1. For most students, the weekend
Copy !req
2. represented two days of fun,
Copy !req
3. freedom, and in the case
of my brother,
Copy !req
4. a chance to ignore
all forms of hygiene.
Copy !req
5. Come on, come on.
Copy !req
6. To me, however, it represented
Copy !req
7. an unwelcome break
from education.
Copy !req
8. Whoo! Thank the Lord!
Copy !req
9. But this wasn't
a typical weekend,
Copy !req
10. because this was the weekend
Copy !req
11. I got to do my parents' taxes.
Copy !req
12. Howdy do, W-2.
Copy !req
13. "If you were not covered
by a retirement plan,
Copy !req
14. but your spouse was,
see the worksheet on page 14."
Copy !req
15. Try and stop me.
Copy !req
16. Mom, I was going through
our expenditures
Copy !req
17. and noticed our grocery bills
are up 12 percent compared
Copy !req
18. to last quarter.
Any idea why?
Copy !req
19. There's a person at the end of
the table that eats for free.
Copy !req
20. There's a person at
the other end of the table
Copy !req
21. that eats for three.
Copy !req
22. I've been buying groceries
for the church food drive.
Copy !req
23. I think that's it.
Copy !req
24. Ooh, I bet I could
write that off,
Copy !req
25. including the gas it took to
drive to the grocery store
Copy !req
26. and then to the church.
Copy !req
27. With all that driving,
maybe she can count
Copy !req
28. her car as a home office.
Copy !req
29. Sounds aggressive, but I like
how you're thinking.
Copy !req
30. None of that is necessary,
it's for charity.
Copy !req
31. What's the point of charity
if there are no tax benefits?
Copy !req
32. Eat your peas.
Copy !req
33. I like how he's thinking.
Copy !req
34. You eat your peas, too.
Copy !req
35. Dad, banking question.
Copy !req
36. What's that, buddy?
Copy !req
37. I noticed there's a check missing.
Copy !req
38. I have a copy of check 128
Copy !req
39. and a copy of check 130,
but 129 isn't there.
Copy !req
40. Yeah,
don't worry about it.
Copy !req
41. But I enjoy worrying;
I find it very relaxing.
Copy !req
42. 'Course you do.
Copy !req
43. I balanced the rest
of the account,
Copy !req
44. and it appears to be
a check for $300.
Copy !req
45. All right, well,
let's just put it down
Copy !req
46. for $300 for miscellaneous.
Copy !req
47. I've never labeled anything
miscellaneous in my life.
Copy !req
48. I'll go ask Mom.
Copy !req
49. Wait.
Copy !req
50. I just remembered.
Copy !req
51. I gave the money to a friend.
Copy !req
52. - Who?
- It doesn't matter who.
Copy !req
53. Why'd you give it to them?
Copy !req
54. They needed it.
It... it's like charity.
Copy !req
55. Ooh, another write-off.
Excellent.
Copy !req
56. Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Copy !req
57. What do you say
we keep this quiet?
Copy !req
58. You mean like a secret?
Copy !req
59. No, no, just, you know,
something between you and me.
Copy !req
60. What about Mom?
Copy !req
61. Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
Copy !req
62. What if Mom needs to know?
Copy !req
63. Okay, it's a secret.
Copy !req
64. Just trust me.
Copy !req
65. It is better for everyone
if she doesn't know about this.
Copy !req
66. But I'm not good
at keeping secrets.
Copy !req
67. It's not hard.
Just keep your mouth shut.
Copy !req
68. But I'm not good
at keeping my mouth shut.
Copy !req
69. Sheldon, all you got to do
is be cool.
Copy !req
70. "Be cool."
Copy !req
71. He might as well have asked me
to fly around the backyard.
Copy !req
72. - Good night, baby.
- Night, Mama.
Copy !req
73. - Love you.
- Love you, too.
Copy !req
74. Oh, hello.
Copy !req
75. I was just brushing my teeth
like I do every night.
Copy !req
76. Nothing new there.
Copy !req
77. You all right?
Copy !req
78. Yes. I'm cool.
Copy !req
79. I'm very cool.
Copy !req
80. Tell Sheldon what cool means.
Copy !req
81. Hush.
Copy !req
82. Sweet dreams.
Copy !req
83. Love you.
Copy !req
84. Love you, too,
'cause you're my mom.
Copy !req
85. You're so weird.
Copy !req
86. More than usual?
Copy !req
87. No, I guess not.
Copy !req
88. Perfect.
Copy !req
89. To avoid looking suspicious,
Copy !req
90. I tried to interact with my mom
as little as possible.
Copy !req
91. Thankfully, it's rude to speak
with your mouth full.
Copy !req
92. You look tired, baby.
Sleep okay?
Copy !req
93. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
94. So how big a tax refund
you think we're gonna get?
Copy !req
95. Mm.
Copy !req
96. - Mornin'.
- Mornin'.
Copy !req
97. I slept in the nude last night.
Copy !req
98. Felt every little breeze.
Copy !req
99. Thank you for sharing that.
Copy !req
100. You're welcome.
Copy !req
101. Fight, you cowards, fight!
Copy !req
102. You fight, Skeletor.
Copy !req
103. Mare, we got any batteries?
Copy !req
104. Look in the drawer
by the refrigerator.
Copy !req
105. There was only
so much food I could eat,
Copy !req
106. so I started avoiding my mother
whenever possible.
Copy !req
107. What are you doing in there?
Copy !req
108. Keeping your secret.
Copy !req
109. You got to pull it together.
Copy !req
110. This is me pulling it together.
Copy !req
111. - Pull harder.
- Find 'em?
Copy !req
112. Yeah.
Got 'em. Thanks.
Copy !req
113. You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed
Copy !req
114. anything off with Sheldon?
Copy !req
115. Uh, no, no, no.
Can't say that I have. Why?
Copy !req
116. He's been awful quiet,
and at the risk of being indelicate,
Copy !req
117. he's gone several days
without a bowel movement.
Copy !req
118. How do you know that?
Copy !req
119. Well, I was worried about him,
Copy !req
120. so I took a look
in his potty journal.
Copy !req
121. He's still keeping
that thing, huh?
Copy !req
122. Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted
the Polaroid camera.
Copy !req
123. Uh, well,
I'm sure he's gonna be fine,
Copy !req
124. uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.
Copy !req
125. - Thank you.
- You got it.
Copy !req
126. - She's gone.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
127. Batteries are in this drawer.
Copy !req
128. We got a problem.
Copy !req
129. I don't know how much longer
Sheldon can hold out.
Copy !req
130. This is why I did not want you
to write a check.
Copy !req
131. Well, I'm sorry,
but I didn't have
Copy !req
132. that kind of cash
lying around.
Copy !req
133. I do not want Mary to find out
about this.
Copy !req
134. Well, what about Sheldon?
Copy !req
135. The kid hasn't pooped in days.
He might pop.
Copy !req
136. Slip a little Metamucil into
his apple juice, he'll be fine.
Copy !req
137. Why don't we just come clean?
Copy !req
138. All right, sure,
we could do that.
Copy !req
139. You could rat me out
to Mary and...
Copy !req
140. I could tell her what you did
at the church picnic.
Copy !req
141. Come on.
Copy !req
142. Now you're just playing dirty.
Copy !req
143. We sink or swim together,
George.
Copy !req
144. We sink or swim together.
Copy !req
145. Grandmas are supposed
to be nice.
Copy !req
146. What went wrong with you?
Copy !req
147. Avoiding my mother
in our own house
Copy !req
148. was proving to be difficult,
Copy !req
149. so it was time
to get creative.
Copy !req
150. Hello. I'd like to book a room
in your hotel.
Copy !req
151. I'd be arriving tonight.
Copy !req
152. No, it's just me.
Copy !req
153. Ooh, a queen bed.
That sounds fancy.
Copy !req
154. And how much
would this room cost?
Copy !req
155. Wow. Is that per month?
Copy !req
156. Per day?
Copy !req
157. By any chance, do you have
a children's rate?
Copy !req
158. We've been friends
for a while now, haven't we?
Copy !req
159. I suppose so.
Copy !req
160. Given that, how would you
feel about a sleepover?
Copy !req
161. Sure. Your mom
lets you watch TV.
Copy !req
162. Jake and the Fatman
is on tonight.
Copy !req
163. I meant we could sleep
at your house.
Copy !req
164. But you'll miss
Jake and the Fatman.
Copy !req
165. Even better.
So what do you say?
Copy !req
166. I'll have to ask my mom.
Copy !req
167. Well, be sure to tell her
I'm clean, I'm well-behaved,
Copy !req
168. and if you don't have
a lot of room,
Copy !req
169. I can fit
in really tight spaces.
Copy !req
170. So, your first sleepover.
Copy !req
171. Pretty exciting, huh?
Copy !req
172. No. It's not exciting,
it's constipating,
Copy !req
173. and I'm only doing it
to avoid Mom.
Copy !req
174. But still,
it's your first sleepover.
Copy !req
175. It's fun stuff.
Copy !req
176. Okay, I know you're having
a tough time with this,
Copy !req
177. but... you're doing great.
Copy !req
178. You spend some time
at Tam's house,
Copy !req
179. you know, clear your head,
and come back home refreshed.
Copy !req
180. And then I can tell Mom?
Copy !req
181. Oh, no, you can
never tell Mom.
Copy !req
182. Wouldn't it be easier
to just be honest?
Copy !req
183. Usually, it would be, but...
Copy !req
184. sometimes the truth
can hurt people.
Copy !req
185. We wouldn't want
to hurt Mom, right?
Copy !req
186. Of course not.
Copy !req
187. Attaboy.
Copy !req
188. Hey, here's a funny prank
you can try tonight.
Copy !req
189. When Tam falls asleep, put some
shaving cream in his hand
Copy !req
190. and then tickle his nose.
Copy !req
191. Why?
Copy !req
192. 'Cause then he'll go to,
Copy !req
193. you know, scratch his nose,
Copy !req
194. and he'll get shaving cream
on his face.
Copy !req
195. And then what?
Copy !req
196. Well... that—that's it.
Copy !req
197. But I'm a guest
in their home,
Copy !req
198. and that doesn't seem
like a very good way
Copy !req
199. to repay their kindness.
Copy !req
200. Never mind.
Copy !req
201. And what if the shaving cream
gets in his eyes?
Copy !req
202. That would sting.
Copy !req
203. Sorry I mentioned it.
Copy !req
204. Also, I didn't bring
my own shaving cream.
Copy !req
205. I'd have to use his dad's,
and that...
Copy !req
206. Forget it!
Copy !req
207. - Hello.
- Hi. You must be Mrs...
Copy !req
208. Tam's mom.
Copy !req
209. I'm Sheldon's dad,
George Cooper.
Copy !req
210. Nice to meet you.
Copy !req
211. Thanks for letting him
spend the night.
Copy !req
212. It's his first sleepover.
He's excited.
Copy !req
213. Actually, I'm quite apprehens...
Copy !req
214. He's really looking forward
to it.
Copy !req
215. Uh, in case something
Copy !req
216. comes up,
just give us a holler.
Copy !req
217. I mean, a call. If you hollered,
we wouldn't hear you.
Copy !req
218. That-that was a joke.
Copy !req
219. Okay, buddy, have fun.
Copy !req
220. Visiting Tam's house
Copy !req
221. for the first time was
an emotional roller coaster.
Copy !req
222. For example, it's traditional
in Vietnamese homes
Copy !req
223. to have gruesome religious
iconography near the entrance.
Copy !req
224. I did not like that.
Copy !req
225. However, it's also customary
Copy !req
226. to not wear shoes
around the house
Copy !req
227. for sanitary reasons.
Copy !req
228. I did like that.
Copy !req
229. Interestingly,
Copy !req
230. one of the main ingredients
in Vietnamese cooking
Copy !req
231. is an extremely pungent
condiment known as fish sauce.
Copy !req
232. I did not like that.
Copy !req
233. But before every meal,
Copy !req
234. it's common for everyone
to wash their hands and face.
Copy !req
235. I did like that.
Copy !req
236. Forks are not customary
in a Vietnamese household.
Copy !req
237. I did not like that.
Copy !req
238. And instead of napkins,
there was one towel
Copy !req
239. for everyone
to share at the table.
Copy !req
240. Seriously,
what are they thinking?
Copy !req
241. I can't help thinking
how odd it is
Copy !req
242. that Shelly volunteered
to go on a sleepover.
Copy !req
243. Oh, I don't know.
Copy !req
244. - Hmm?
- He's growing up.
Copy !req
245. It's natural for a young boy
to want to spread his wings
Copy !req
246. a little bit,
try something new.
Copy !req
247. That's nonsense.
Copy !req
248. Last week,
I brought home
Copy !req
249. the Raisin Bran
with the sugar on the raisins.
Copy !req
250. He almost lost his mind.
Copy !req
251. If you ask me,
Copy !req
252. you're worried
about nothing.
Copy !req
253. Maybe it's me.
Copy !req
254. Maybe I did something
to upset him.
Copy !req
255. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
256. He loves you like crazy.
Copy !req
257. Much more
than he loves this one.
Copy !req
258. - It's true.
- I don't know.
Copy !req
259. I just feel
like something isn't right.
Copy !req
260. Mom!
Copy !req
261. I got my hair stuck
in my zipper!
Copy !req
262. That's the kid you need
to be worried about.
Copy !req
263. Okay, Connie,
why don't we just come clean?
Copy !req
264. - No.
- You heard her.
Copy !req
265. Now she's blaming herself.
Copy !req
266. And Sheldon's so upset
Copy !req
267. he's—he's acting
like a regular kid.
Copy !req
268. - All right, let's tell her.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
269. But first I'm gonna tell her
what you did at the picnic.
Copy !req
270. - Oh, Mary!
- Okay, okay, shh.
Copy !req
271. I don't know how much longer
we can keep this going.
Copy !req
272. I'm willing to find out.
Copy !req
273. So, this game is called
Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.
Copy !req
274. It's pretty fun.
Copy !req
275. There are six kinds
of secret warlords...
Copy !req
276. - Secret warlords.
- It's a secret.
Copy !req
277. It's a secret.
Copy !req
278. Have you noticed anything off
with Sheldon?
Copy !req
279. Something between me
and you.
Copy !req
280. Mom is on a
need-to-know basis.
Copy !req
281. I took a little look
in his potty journal.
Copy !req
282. - It's a secret.
- Several days without
a bowel movement.
Copy !req
283. - Sheldon.
- Secret. A secret.
Copy !req
284. - A secret.
- Sheldon.
Copy !req
285. Did you hear
anything I said?
Copy !req
286. Sorry, I was reliving
a traumatic experience.
Copy !req
287. What do you mean?
Copy !req
288. Tam, I have a secret
that's weighing on me,
Copy !req
289. and I need to tell someone.
Copy !req
290. Okay. Tell me.
Copy !req
291. But I promised I wouldn't.
Copy !req
292. Okay. Then don't.
Copy !req
293. But it's driving me crazy.
Copy !req
294. Too bad you're not Catholic.
Copy !req
295. You could confess
it to a priest.
Copy !req
296. That's a great idea.
Copy !req
297. You're Catholic.
I'll confess it to you.
Copy !req
298. I'm not a priest.
Copy !req
299. I'm not a Catholic.
Copy !req
300. It makes perfect sense.
Copy !req
301. Okay, whenever
you're ready.
Copy !req
302. What are you doing?
Copy !req
303. I'm assuming the position.
Copy !req
304. Okay.
Copy !req
305. Forgive me, Tam,
for I have sinned.
Copy !req
306. This is my first confession.
Copy !req
307. I forgive you, my son.
Copy !req
308. I was doing my parents' taxes
and noticed a check was missing.
Copy !req
309. - I asked my father about it...
- As I walked Tam
Copy !req
310. through the whole
sordid affair,
Copy !req
311. I could feel a weight
lifting off my shoulders.
Copy !req
312. It was a relief
to finally unburden myself
Copy !req
313. of this deception.
Copy !req
314. By the time I reached the end,
Copy !req
315. I felt like a new person.
Copy !req
316. That's the whole story.
Copy !req
317. Cool. Can we play now?
Copy !req
318. And now that my conscience
had been cleared,
Copy !req
319. my colon was ready
to do the same.
Copy !req
320. Excuse me. I need
to use your bathroom!
Copy !req
321. Thank you for letting me sleep
in your bed.
Copy !req
322. My father taught me that
we must always honor our guests
Copy !req
323. and treat them
with the utmost courtesy.
Copy !req
324. The Vietnamese
are a very welcoming people.
Copy !req
325. Yeah, that hasn't
always worked out for us.
Copy !req
326. Do you think
your dad would ever ask you
Copy !req
327. to keep a secret from your mom?
Copy !req
328. Oh, no.
Copy !req
329. He's so honest, it's annoying.
Copy !req
330. Enough talking.
Copy !req
331. Sleep now.
Copy !req
332. She's just annoying.
Copy !req
333. Well, you did it.
Copy !req
334. How was your first sleepover?
Copy !req
335. They feed you any weird food?
Copy !req
336. When I was in 'Nam,
we ate fish soup for breakfast.
Copy !req
337. Sheldon, I'm
talking to you.
Copy !req
338. Well, I'm not talking to you.
Copy !req
339. Okay, what's going on?
Copy !req
340. After having my first
good night's sleep in a week,
Copy !req
341. I woke up
with a fresh perspective.
Copy !req
342. And that is...?
Copy !req
343. It was irresponsible of you
Copy !req
344. to burden me with that secret.
Copy !req
345. Sheldon, we've been
through this.
Copy !req
346. It's complicated.
Copy !req
347. While I may not look up to you
from an intellectual standpoint,
Copy !req
348. I've always looked up
to you as a role model.
Copy !req
349. I can't do that anymore.
Copy !req
350. And don't worry—
we made a deal.
Copy !req
351. I'll continue
to keep your secret.
Copy !req
352. Hey.
Copy !req
353. What's up?
Copy !req
354. Um, I need to tell
you something.
Copy !req
355. What did you do?
Copy !req
356. When Sheldon
was doing our taxes,
Copy !req
357. he noticed a missing check.
Copy !req
358. What did you do?
Copy !req
359. Before I answer,
do you trust me enough
Copy !req
360. to understand
it was for a good reason
Copy !req
361. and j-just leave it at that?
Copy !req
362. What did you do?
Copy !req
363. It's all your mother's fault.
She is a bad person.
Copy !req
364. I've been telling you for years.
Copy !req
365. What did you do?
Copy !req
366. Okay, now,
before I answer that—
Copy !req
367. Just tell me
what you did.
Copy !req
368. I got a DWI.
Copy !req
369. Mom!
Copy !req
370. It's not as bad as it sounds.
Copy !req
371. How is driving drunk not bad?
Copy !req
372. I wasn't exactly driving.
Copy !req
373. I don't follow.
Copy !req
374. I was at the dog track
with Georgie,
Copy !req
375. and I had a few...
Copy !req
376. Georgie?
Copy !req
377. With God as my witness,
Copy !req
378. I've never been to the dog track
in my life.
Copy !req
379. She knows.
Copy !req
380. Oh, I've been
there a bunch.
Copy !req
381. Will someone please tell me
what happened?
Copy !req
382. Okay, me and Meemaw were
in the bar at the track...
Copy !req
383. You took him to a bar?
Copy !req
384. He wasn't drinking.
Copy !req
385. She had a few
too many margaritas,
Copy !req
386. so I drove us home.
Copy !req
387. But you don't have a license.
Copy !req
388. That's why we swapped places
after the cop pulled us over.
Copy !req
389. Oh, dear Lord.
Copy !req
390. I had nothing to do
with this part.
Copy !req
391. - Shut up.
- Will do.
Copy !req
392. I didn't want Georgie
Copy !req
393. to get into trouble,
Copy !req
394. so I got behind the wheel
Copy !req
395. before the cop
walked up.
Copy !req
396. And then I got arrested,
and, uh,
Copy !req
397. he bailed me out.
Copy !req
398. So you all thought
you should keep this from me?
Copy !req
399. - Absolutely.
- 100 percent.
Copy !req
400. Okay, here's what's
gonna happen:
Copy !req
401. You and you
are staying at her house
Copy !req
402. until I say otherwise.
Copy !req
403. One could argue I was
the hero in this story.
Copy !req
404. You went gambling and you drove
without a license
Copy !req
405. and you lied to my face.
Copy !req
406. Heroically.
Copy !req
407. Go.
Copy !req
408. I love everything about this.
Copy !req
409. I'm guessing you're mad at me.
Copy !req
410. Aw, forget about it.
Copy !req
411. I appreciate you not...
Copy !req
412. ratting me out about the picnic.
Copy !req
413. Well, we had a deal.
Copy !req
414. Besides, your marriage
is already hanging by a thread.
Copy !req
415. It is dangling there.
Copy !req
416. All right, well,
I'm gonna turn in.
Copy !req
417. Mmm.
Copy !req
418. Good night.
Copy !req
419. Night!
Copy !req
420. Hello?
Copy !req
421. So, get a load of this.
Copy !req
422. Last church picnic,
your husband
Copy !req
423. snuck in a six-pack,
Copy !req
424. polished off the whole thing,
Copy !req
425. then went to wait in line
for the bathroom...
Copy !req
426. Hey.
Copy !req
427. You got an extra toothbrush?
Copy !req
428. Under the sink, darlin'.
Copy !req
429. Thanks.
Copy !req
430. You got it.
Copy !req
431. So then the big gorilla decides
he doesn't want to wait in line,
Copy !req
432. so he stumbles over
to the church vegetable garden
Copy !req
433. and proceeds to irrigate
the whole damn thing.
Copy !req
434. I've eaten those vegetables.
Copy !req
435. Sweet dreams.
Copy !req