1. A few times a year,
there was a dedicated day
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2. where my school was closed.
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3. This allowed
the teachers to catch up
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4. on their administrative duties.
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5. While I was normally against
a break from learning,
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6. I did applaud the Medford
faculty's commitment
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7. - to our education.
- Oh, man.
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8. - How great is this place
without kids in it?
- I heard that.
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9. On one of those
days, I got to spend time
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10. with my mom at herjob.
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11. Did you write that?
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12. - You betcha.
- Instead of puns,
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13. have you considered composing
a humorous palindrome?
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14. It's a phrase that reads
the same backwards as forwards.
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15. For example,
"Do geese see God?"
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16. Trust me. Both ways.
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17. Come inside.
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18. Some other good ones
are radar, level, kayak.
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19. That's a funny word. Kayak.
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20. Never get me in one.
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21. So what's the plan?
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22. How will I be entertained
all day?
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23. I thought you could be
my little helper.
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24. I prefer executive assistant.
Carries more weight.
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25. Fine. You stay here.
I'm gonna go talk to Pastor Jeff.
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26. - Mom.
- What?
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27. "Mom" is also
a palindrome. M-O-M.
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28. Good morning, Peg.
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29. Any morning you wake up
is a good morning.
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30. Okay.
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31. Come in.
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32. Good morn—
oh, it's dark in here.
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33. Uh-huh.
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34. Everything okay?
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35. Mm-hmm.
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36. I need you to use your words.
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37. My marriage is over.
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38. Mm-hmm...
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39. We don't even sleep
in the same bed anymore.
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40. In the '50s,
people had separate beds.
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41. Lucy and Ricky did it.
Their marriage worked.
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42. I—I'm sure
it's just a rough patch.
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43. Boy, I hope so.
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44. Well, if there's any way
I can make your life easier,
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45. you let me know.
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46. Thank you, Mary.
I really appreciate it.
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47. Oh, I almost forgot, um,
Sheldon's here with me today.
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48. Great.
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49. Hey, little man.
How you doing?
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50. You smell like cigarettes.
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51. You're fun.
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52. Do you know what this binder is?
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53. It's a record of donations
people make to the church.
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54. This data could
easily be transferred
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55. into a computerized spreadsheet.
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56. Why isn't it?
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57. No idea.
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58. You also smell
like mothballs and Ben-Gay.
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59. Bye.
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60. I hope you don't mind,
I invited Pastor Jeff for dinner.
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61. That's fine.
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62. I was talking to your father.
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63. What's the occasion?
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64. No occasion,
just thought it'd be nice.
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65. His wife coming, too?
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66. No. Just him.
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67. They having problems?
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68. He's just coming to dinner.
That's all.
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69. You two having problems?
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70. - Are we?
- No.
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71. Pastor Jeff's wife
is so much prettier than him.
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72. It's like Barbie
married a turtle.
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73. Hey. Here's a fun idea:
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74. How about you and Sheldon
have dinner
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75. - at Meemaw's tonight?
- All right.
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76. They are a
weird-looking couple.
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77. You want to eat
at my mom's, too?
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78. Oh, come on. You got eyes.
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79. Pastor, would you like
to lead us in grace?
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80. I'd be honored.
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81. Heavenly Father,
thank you for this food.
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82. I pray that it nourishes
and strengthens us,
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83. and bless Mary for preparing it.
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84. And thank you
for the Coopers
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85. who have invited me
into their loving home.
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86. They are
a shining example
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87. of what a marriage can be.
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88. One that I hope
to have again someday.
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89. - Amen.
- And please give
me the strength...
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90. Sorry.
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91. The strength to walk this road
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92. with unconditional love
and joy in my heart.
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93. Amen.
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94. - Amen.
- Amen.
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95. Well, let's eat!
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96. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
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97. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
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98. Dang, this place is nice.
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99. That's because it was
supposed to be a date.
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100. Cool. My first date.
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101. Meemaw, I've been going through
the church records,
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102. and I noticed you haven't made
a donation in quite a long time.
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103. Why are you going
through the records?
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104. I'm an executive assistant.
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105. - Good for you.
- You see,
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106. God and I have a deal.
And when he helps me win big
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107. at the casino,
I give him a cut.
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108. And lately, he has
not been holding up
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109. his part of the bargain.
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110. "Steak aw poyver with fritties"?
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111. - It's French.
- Oh.
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112. What's a crock monster?
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113. It's a croque monsieur,
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114. and it's really just a grilled
cheese sandwich with ham.
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115. I want that.
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116. There's lemon in this water.
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117. So, uh, who do you
think the Oilers
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118. are gonna take in the draft?
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119. Oh, I don't
really follow sports.
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120. I'm just gonna eat.
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121. What's he doing here?
Y'all getting a divorce?
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122. No. No, he's just
here for dinner.
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123. Oh. Welcome, Your Holiness.
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124. I thought you were hanging
out with Veronica tonight.
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125. We were supposed to,
but then she invited a bunch
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126. of her choir friends over,
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127. and it turned
into a stupid Bible study.
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128. - No offense.
- None taken.
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129. - Hmm.
- Honestly,
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130. I do not understand
the female mind.
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131. Do something.
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132. Georgie, why don't you go eat
dinner in front of the TV?
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133. No, it's all right. Sounds like
Georgie's having trouble
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134. navigating the perilous waters
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135. of a relationship.
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136. Believe me, I can understand.
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137. You having problems
with your hot wife?
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138. Maybe I'll go eat by the TV.
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139. I'm liking my crock monster.
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140. Mmm. Me, too.
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141. I can't taste anything
after the lemon water.
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142. I'm glad y'all
are having a good time.
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143. You're welcome.
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144. Where are we having
dinner tomorrow?
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145. Nowhere.
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146. Dr. Sturgis and I are going to
Louisiana, do a little gambling.
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147. So a donation could
be forthcoming?
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148. Don't jinx me.
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149. It's my first time
going to a casino.
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150. It's amazing. There's bright
lights and bells and buzzers
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151. and people yelling.
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152. Ugh.
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153. Veronica says
I'm the nicest guy she knows.
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154. She also says she only wants
to date nice guys.
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155. - Does that mean
she wants to date me?
- I bet she doesn't.
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156. No, she does not.
Doesn't make any sense.
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157. Nothing they do
makes any sense.
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158. - I know...
- At least he's not crying anymore.
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159. Devil's got something
to do with it.
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160. Mary, George, I can't
thank you enough for this.
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161. It was our pleasure.
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162. So, Pastor, are you gonna try
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163. and talk things out with Selena?
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164. Well, we're really
not on speaking terms,
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165. so I'll just be heading back to
my office, sleep on the couch.
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166. That's ridiculous.
He can stay with us, can't he?
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167. Uh, I guess that'd be okay.
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168. - Of course it would.
- Oh.
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169. I couldn't possibly impose.
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170. Sure you could.
In fact, you can take my room.
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171. Well, y'all are too kind.
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172. - Hello.
- Oh.
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173. Did y'all have a good time?
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174. - Yes.
- It was great.
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175. Oh, Mom, Pastor Jeff is
gonna be spending the night.
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176. If the kids could
sleep at your place?
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177. No. Bye.
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178. George.
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179. What? What's wrong?
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180. The pastor's up making tea.
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181. What, you want me to blow on it?
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182. Go talk to him.
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183. About what?
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184. I don't know.
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185. Maybe you could give him
a male perspective
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186. on relationship issues.
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187. How about this?
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188. What if I close my eyes
and pray on it?
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189. Hey.
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190. Oh, hi. I hope
I didn't wake you.
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191. Uh, no, no.
Just get—getting some water.
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192. Can I fix you some chamomile?
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193. No, thanks.
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194. So...
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195. Tough times, huh?
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196. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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197. Hey, uh,
does the Bible say anything
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198. about heartache and such?
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199. Psalm 147, verse three:
"The Lord healeth
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200. the broken in heart,
and bindeth up their wounds."
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201. Well, there you go-eth.
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202. Except I'm feeling kicked
in the nethers right now,
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203. and he sure is taking
his sweet time with the healing.
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204. He takes his sweet time
about a lot of things.
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205. Uh, not that I'm complaining.
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206. You know, his will, not mine,
etcetera.
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207. You know, one thing
I can say is that
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208. having a happy marriage
is—it's hard work.
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209. Oh, I know.
As the pastor, people come to me
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210. with relationship problems
all the time.
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211. Bet you hear some juicy
ones, huh?
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212. "Juicy" doesn't begin
to describe it.
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213. - Oh... give me a sample.
- I can't.
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214. There's strict pastor-flock
confidentiality.
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215. Sure. Sure.
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216. Mm.
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217. Mary doesn't tell you
things about us, does she?
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218. I'm... not at liberty to say.
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219. But she does, doesn't she?
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220. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
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221. These people clearly don't know
what ten percent means.
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222. What are you talking about?
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223. This is the list
of all the people who belong
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224. to the church
and how much money they donate.
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225. Dorothy and Fred Nelson
gave a dollar last week.
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226. - So?
- They own the Piggly Wiggly.
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227. They can afford
to give much more.
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228. Weird.
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229. You say "Piggly Wiggly"
and suddenly I'm hungry.
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230. Really? You're drinking
in the morning now?
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231. What? Oh, look at that.
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232. Felt later.
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233. Hey, I haven't seen the pastor.
He go home?
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234. He hasn't come out
of Georgie's room.
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235. Maybe he found
Georgie's magazines.
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236. He's a man of God.
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237. You're adorable.
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238. I have stories.
Come back here.
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239. - It's my favorite table.
- Oh, hey, Connie.
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240. Hi, Felicia.
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241. Chip me for a deuce.
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242. How's your daughter doing?
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243. Oh, surgery went great.
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244. Thanks for asking.
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245. Her daughter got
kicked by a horse.
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246. - They had to pin a
couple of bones together.
- Oh, my.
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247. She won't be stealing
any more horses
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248. for a little while.
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249. - Your usual, Connie?
- Yeah.
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250. John, you want something?
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251. I would like a Fresca, please.
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252. - Got it, hon.
- Connie.
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253. Duke-North Carolina's
about to start. Want a piece?
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254. Yeah, baby. Give me the
points on Duke for a nickel.
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255. - All right.
- A nickel.
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256. That's a silly bet.
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257. It's 50 bucks.
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258. A thousand nickels.
Less silly.
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259. I must say, uh...
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260. this is a side of you
I've never... seen before.
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261. You're all right with it,
aren't you?
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262. Oh, sure.
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263. When are you gonna
give that man your $50?
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264. Don't worry about it.
Hit me.
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265. I'm a little worried.
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266. Pastor Jeff?
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267. Everything all right in there?
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268. Oh, yeah.
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269. I've just been praying,
napping, crying.
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270. I like to mix it up.
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271. Well, how's it going?
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272. Good, actually.
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273. I have this feeling inside
that I should head home.
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274. Well, then you got to honor
that feeling. That's God.
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275. You're right.
You want to come with?
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276. Do you really want me there
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277. while you patch things up
with your wife?
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278. She's less likely to throw any
steak knives if we have company.
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279. Um... if you think
it'll help, I suppose...
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280. Great, let's hit it.
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281. Oh...
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282. Hello, is this
the Nelson residence?
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283. Oh, good.
I'm Sheldon Cooper,
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284. the executive
assistant secretary
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285. at the First Baptist
Church of Medford.
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286. I'm looking through
our donation records,
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287. and I've noticed that
you've tapered off a bit.
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288. Well, yes, your children's
education is expensive,
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289. but so is running a church.
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290. Oh, boy!
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291. I'll be sure to tell the pastor.
Goodbye.
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292. That earned a sip of Yoo-hoo.
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293. Okay. Who's next?
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294. Wendy and Bill Mackenzie.
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295. Of Mackenzie Chevrolet?
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296. Now those are what we call
"deep pockets."
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297. Pat here, double the ten,
and split the aces.
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298. Connie.
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299. I found an old-fashioned
malt shop where we can
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300. have milkshakes
and listen to the jukebox,
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301. like I never did
in high school.
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302. Yeah, great.
Not now, John.
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303. Okay, well, I was just hoping
we could do something together.
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304. For God's sake, John.
I'm getting my ass kicked here!
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305. I'm sorry.
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306. Oh, Felicia,
you're killing me.
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307. Chip me another deuce.
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308. Hello?
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309. Selena?
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310. Ooh. Big TV, fancy.
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311. "Con amor, Selena."
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312. Which means?
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313. "Life is too short
to be married to a loser.
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314. I'm leaving you.
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315. Love, Selena."
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316. "Love, Selena"?
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317. Well, that's kind
of a mixed message.
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318. Yeah.
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319. Oh, I couldn't tell you
how much to give.
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320. But I can tell you
the Stuckeys stepped up
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321. for a thousand dollars.
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322. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
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323. Well, you need to give
what's comfortable for you.
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324. And of course,
I don't need to remind you,
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325. it's entirely tax deductible.
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326. And at the next
pancake breakfast,
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327. you can hold
your head high.
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328. Thank you.
That's very generous.
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329. Goodbye.
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330. The pancake line closed it.
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331. We are so going to heaven.
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332. I don't understand why God
would tell me to go home
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333. just to find out
my wife left me.
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334. Not that he needs me
to defend him,
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335. but in God's defense,
he didn't say she'd be there.
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336. Mary, I hate to say this,
but I think it's time
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337. for me to move on.
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338. I thought even as a teenager,
I'd been called
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339. to preach the word of God,
but maybe that was just my ego.
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340. Maybe I'm not meant to do this.
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341. - Don't say that.
You're a great preacher.
- Thank you.
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342. But it's clear.
I need to trod a new path.
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343. Well, what would you do,
trodding-wise?
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344. I don't know.
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345. Maybe work with my hands
amongst men, on an oil rig,
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346. or a fishing trawler.
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347. I also know how to blow glass.
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348. I could turn a pretty penny
at swap meets.
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349. - Those all sound like solid options.
- Mm-hmm.
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350. Oh, red light, red light!
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351. Oh, phooey.
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352. Tell you what, Jody.
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353. Why don't you go upstairs
to your daddy's bedroom,
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354. and see how much
is in his wallet?
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355. Don't worry, it's not
stealing if it's for God.
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356. - What are y'all up to?
- Just helping Mom with
some church work.
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357. Well, aren't you two great kids.
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358. We like to think so.
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359. Really? That much?
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360. I think I need
to apologize.
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361. - I know you do.
- I'm very sorry.
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362. Sometimes when things
aren't going my way,
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363. I just get a little cranky.
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364. - May I ask you a personal question?
- Sure.
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365. Does your gambling
constitute a problem?
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366. Not today. Bam!
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367. Come on. Let me
take you out to dinner.
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368. Don't forget that
you promised Sheldon
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369. if you won,
you'd donate to the church.
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370. You want to see me
get cranky again?
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371. - No, I don't.
- Well, let's go strap on
some bibs and eat lobster.
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372. Whoa!
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373. So you're over at First
Baptist Church, huh?
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374. Yes, Officer.
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375. I'm new in this area.
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376. I've been looking
for a church.
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377. Well, you're in luck.
It's a wonderful congregation,
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378. and this man right here
is our beloved pastor.
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379. Oh. Are you his wife?
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380. Oh, no, I'm church secretary.
He's actually single.
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381. - Well, technically...
- He's single.
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382. Well, I'll try
to come by sometime.
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383. Tomorrow's Sunday.
He'll be speaking.
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384. All right. Maybe I'll
see y'all tomorrow.
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385. You have a nice day.
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386. Aren't you gonna
give me a ticket?
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387. Do you want a ticket?
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388. He does not.
Thank you, Officer.
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389. - Pastor?
- Yeah?
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390. You were saying
you don't understand
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391. why God told you to go home.
You get it now?
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392. Think I do.
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393. Welcome, church.
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394. I pray you all had a blessed
and prosperous week.
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395. I'm excited
to share with you
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396. what the Lord put on
my heart for today.
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397. I'm surprised you're here
this morning.
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398. Hey. I got to
support my pal.
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399. The renewal of faith
is something that happens
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400. over and over.
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401. - When you have faith...
- You need to move fast, Officer.
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402. He's not gonna be on
the market for long.
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403. - Roger that.
- For so many months,
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404. our little parish
has been struggling financially.
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405. But by the grace of God
and his provision,
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406. we have received the most
donations in church history!
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407. Praise Jesus!
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408. Praise Jesus!
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409. So it's all Jesus?
We don't get any credit?
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410. - We need to start our own church.
- They don't pay taxes.
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411. It's a very sound
business model.
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412. Say amen when
you get there, huh?
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