1. Living in a small Texas town,
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2. a few things are guaranteed:
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3. Someone nearby
will have chickens...
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4. - George...
- Yeah?
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5. Go shoot those chickens.
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6. everyone will know
your business...
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7. You sure you want
to eat that?
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8. Why not?
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9. I heard your triglycerides
are through the roof.
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10. Who told you that?
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11. My brother plays poker
with your doctor.
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12. but on the brighter side,
in a small Texas town,
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13. people take care of each other.
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14. Oh, I'm so sorry.
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15. You know that
Veronica Duncan girl?
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16. - The one that Georgie likes?
- Yeah.
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17. I was thinking about having her
stay here for a couple days.
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18. Was it Georgie's birthday
or something?
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19. No.
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20. She's just having a rough time
at home.
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21. What's going on?
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22. Her mother's boyfriend
has a drinking problem,
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23. and... things have been
getting out of hand.
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24. You waited till I had a beer
to tell me
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25. - this story, didn't you?
- You always have a beer.
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26. So, good news.
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27. We're gonna have a houseguest
for a couple days.
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28. Oh, not Aunt Ruth.
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29. Her beard is very scratchy.
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30. My sister doesn't have a beard.
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31. - Did she shave it?
- It's not Aunt Ruth!
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32. It's Veronica Duncan.
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33. And while she's here,
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34. I expect y'all to be
on your best behavior.
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35. Why are you looking at me?
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36. Was I?
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37. Yeah, and you still are.
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38. Where is she going to sleep?
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39. She can have my room.
I'm fine on the couch.
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40. Thank you.
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41. Why is she staying with us?
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42. Because she needs to be out
of her house for a few days.
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43. - Why?
- Because her family
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44. is dealing with
some personal business.
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45. What personal business?
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46. Well...
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47. I heard her mama's
boyfriend is a drunk.
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48. Where did you hear that?
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49. Mom told you outside
and I heard it.
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50. Let's sweat!
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51. I plan on it, Richard.
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52. Oh, yeah!
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53. Hello?
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54. Did you know that word "hello"
wasn't used as a greeting
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55. until the invention
of the telephone?
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56. - Hi, John.
- To end a phone call,
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57. it was suggested to say,
"That is all."
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58. Is that all, John?
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59. No, I wanted to invite you
to dinner tomorrow night.
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60. Great. Where we going?
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61. I can't tell you that.
It's a surprise.
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62. You want to give me a clue
so I'll know how to dress?
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63. Well, dress as if you were going
to a Mexican restaurant.
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64. Oh, we're going to Puerta Roja.
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65. I can't tell you that,
it would ruin the surprise.
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66. John, you do realize that I'll
be the one driving us there.
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67. Fine, we're going to Puerta Roja,
but everything else is a surprise.
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68. That is all!
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69. One more time! Come on!
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70. Sorry, Axl.
You'll be back.
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71. - What are you doing?
- Documenting.
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72. This may never happen again.
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73. What's in there?
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74. - Don't open it.
- But what's in there?
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75. Don't open it.
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76. Are you
wearing cologne?
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77. No.
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78. Georgie, I have the olfactory
senses of a polar bear.
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79. They can smell a seal
through three feet of ice.
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80. Mind your business.
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81. He's exhibiting Zahavian
signaling theory.
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82. Is that from Star Trek?
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83. No, biology.
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84. He's trying to communicate
his more desirable qualities
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85. in order to attract Veronica.
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86. Too bad he doesn't have
any desirable qualities.
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87. Be the Danza. Be the Danza.
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88. - Be the Danza.
- What a doofus.
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89. Hey there.
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90. Thank you for having me,
Mrs. Cooper.
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91. Hey, Veronica.
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92. - Hi.
- Let me take your bag.
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93. - Are you wearing Old Spice?
- Don't worry about it.
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94. Here, let me
show you around.
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95. Oh. O-Okay.
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96. Of course you remember
the living room,
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97. where we have
our prayer group.
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98. Oh, my Lord...
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99. And this is the dining room.
That's where we'll dine.
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100. But in the mornings,
we dine in the kitchen.
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101. Of course,
if you'd like a snack,
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102. that'd be in the
refrigerator or the pantry.
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103. - You know, where
your snack foods would be.
- Sure.
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104. Washer, dryer.
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105. Plus, we got those
little sheets that smell nice
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106. and fight
static cling.
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107. - And here's our
entertainment room.
- Hey, guys.
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108. - Hi.
- Hello.
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109. We don't have cable,
but we do have
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110. all three major
broadcast networks.
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111. Here's the bathroom,
for hygiene and whatnot.
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112. And... here's where
you'll be sleeping.
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113. Did I take your room?
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114. Yes, but I'll be on the couch,
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115. which is right near
the TV and the kitchen,
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116. so I'm peachy.
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117. Hello. I'm John Sturgis.
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118. We have a reservation.
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119. Follow me.
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120. Was a reservation
really necessary?
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121. I didn't want to take
any chances.
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122. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
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123. I sit in that seat.
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124. You sit here.
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125. Oh, uh, okay.
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126. What's going on?
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127. Don't you remember?
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128. John, I don't even remember
where I just parked.
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129. I'm recreating our first date!
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130. The same restaurant,
the same table,
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131. the same jacket.
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132. Different eyelashes,
though, because
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133. they regenerate
every two to three months.
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134. Mine are the
same, actually.
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135. They're fake.
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136. I wanted this night
to be special
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137. because it's the one year
anniversary of that date.
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138. Is that a thing that people
our age celebrate?
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139. No idea.
I've never been this age before.
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140. And I've never dated anyone
for a whole year.
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141. Well...
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142. Happy anniversary.
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143. Sorry for the mess.
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144. I emptied out this drawer
so you can put your stuff away.
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145. Where are
your clothes?
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146. I threw most of them out.
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147. You didn't have
to do that.
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148. It's okay.
They were old and full of holes.
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149. And it worked out great.
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150. I found some firecrackers
and a bag full of my baby teeth.
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151. Thank you.
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152. Oh. I also hung a cross
over the bed for you.
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153. It's just Popsicle sticks
and glitter. I glued it together
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154. in Sunday school
when I was a kid.
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155. Is—is it too much?
I can take it down.
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156. No, it's—
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157. it's really sweet.
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158. Why are you crying?
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159. Did Georgie bring up
your unfortunate home life?
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160. Uh, no.
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161. Good. My mom said not to,
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162. so that you
would be comfortable.
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163. Thank you.
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164. Are you comfortable?
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165. And I remember
how cute you looked
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166. in your little pearl snap
shirt with your bolo tie.
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167. Well, I'd say it wasn't
my first rodeo, but it was.
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168. Thank you for
a wonderful year.
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169. - To many more.
- To many more.
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170. Which leads me
to the final surprise
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171. of the evening.
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172. - What are you doing?
- Hang on, I don't want
to spoil the surprise.
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173. Getting down on one knee,
it makes it pretty damn clear.
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174. Surprise!
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175. Connie, will you
do me the honor
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176. of being my wife?
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177. Oh, John, I don't know.
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178. How can you not know?
It's a binary decision.
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179. It's more complicated
th-than that.
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180. I don't see why.
We're compatible.
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181. - I know.
- We enjoy each other's company.
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182. - I know.
- And we've become extremely
proficient in the bedroom.
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183. There's very little
wasted effort.
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184. John, sit back down
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185. and lower your voice.
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186. Little help?
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187. - Down is easier than up.
- Sure.
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188. Thank you, God,
for this food we're about to receive,
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189. and for the nourishment
of our bodies, and bless
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190. the hands that prepared it.
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191. And an extra special thank you
for allowing us
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192. to share our home
with our friend Veronica.
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193. - Amen.
- Oh, yeah.
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194. That's a big amen on that one.
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195. All right, everybody, dig in.
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196. Would you like a dinner roll?
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197. Mmm. Sure.
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198. I find it really
rounds out the meal.
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199. - Mom?
- Yes, honey?
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200. Do I have to sit downwind
of Georgie's cologne?
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201. So, Veronica, I understand
that you're a junior?
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202. Mm. Yes, sir.
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203. Do you have any plans
for after high school?
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204. I'm hoping for a
scholarship to Baylor
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205. - so I can get a teaching degree.
- Mm.
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206. I like kids.
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207. Really? Kids? Ugh.
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208. You're so tall and pretty.
You should be Vanna White.
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209. How can she be Vanna White?
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210. Vanna White is Vanna White.
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211. Fine. She can be Vanna Blue.
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212. See? This is the kind
of nonsense you have
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213. to deal with
when you're around kids.
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214. He does have a point.
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215. No. I-I love this.
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216. We never eat dinner
together at my house.
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217. You eat alone?
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218. Mostly. Yeah.
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219. Lucky duck.
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220. John...
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221. I've already been
married once.
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222. I wasn't really planning
on ever doing it again.
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223. Why not?
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224. I was somebody's wife
for a long time.
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225. I just like being...
Connie Tucker now.
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226. Not Mrs...
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227. somebody else's name.
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228. Well, what if I took your name?
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229. John Tucker, it sounds great.
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230. Like a football player
or an astronaut.
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231. You're missing the point.
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232. I just think it's important
for people to know
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233. that we're an official couple.
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234. We don't have to be married
for that.
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235. Buy a billboard,
take an ad out in the paper.
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236. I understand. Thank you.
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237. Are we good?
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238. Yes.
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239. But if I should
pre-decease you...
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240. I want you to have the ring.
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241. - Fine.
- It'll be in the...
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242. top right corner
of my dresser drawer.
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243. Got it.
Under my tube socks.
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244. Veronica.
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245. Veronica.
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246. Come in.
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247. Hey, Sheldon, what's up?
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248. I printed out
my bathroom schedule.
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249. I can't speak for anyone else
in this family,
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250. but you can count on it
being occupied
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251. during these times.
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252. Thank you.
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253. This is very helpful.
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254. I know.
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255. Is there anything else?
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256. There is, but...
I'm not allowed to ask about it.
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257. Oh, it's okay.
You can ask me anything.
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258. Oh, good.
I don't like cats,
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259. but I share
their curious nature.
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260. What do you want to know?
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261. Your mom has a boyfriend.
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262. - Yeah.
- Where's your father?
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263. I don't know.
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264. Why do you not know?
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265. Well, he left
when I was really young
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266. and I never
heard from him again.
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267. And why are you staying here?
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268. My mom's boyfriend
isn't very nice.
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269. I understand.
My sister isn't very nice.
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270. So you get it?
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271. I do, thank you.
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272. Okay, well,
talk to you later.
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273. But not between
7:00 and 7:12.
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274. Yup, I see it right here.
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275. So... how about
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276. I make us a pot of tea
and we'll get cozy?
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277. Sure, sounds good.
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278. Just make yourself comfy,
I'll—I'll be right back.
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279. Mint tea?
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280. Or would you like to go crazy
and have a little hibiscus?
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281. Ah, damn it.
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282. Buddy, they let you out?
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283. Yeah,
but they let Charles in.
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284. Hey, can I join you?
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285. Sure.
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286. What you watching?
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287. Charles in Charge.
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288. It's kind of like Who's the Boss?
but with Chachi.
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289. They should have called it
Chachi in Charge.
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290. Chachi in Charge.
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291. That's three cha's. I like it.
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292. Georgie, you're so funny.
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293. Really?
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294. Not everybody gets me.
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295. I get you.
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296. Uh-oh.
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297. Oh, Mom. If you're sleeping
with the man,
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298. you should be married to him.
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299. Why do I come here?
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300. I got to find
a cooler chick to talk to.
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301. You know I'm right.
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302. I know no such thing.
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303. It's my life,
I don't have to do
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304. anything 'cause
I'm "supposed to."
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305. I do it because I want to,
and right now,
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306. I don't want to, end of story.
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307. - Good morning.
- Can I get you
some breakfast, honey?
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308. Yes, please.
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309. How was your anniversary date
with Dr. Sturgis?
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310. You knew about that?
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311. - Yes.
- So you knew
he was gonna propose?
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312. Propose? No, that's wonderful.
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313. Although it's a little disconcerting
he didn't tell me.
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314. I thought we were
closer than that.
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315. Well, we're not
getting married any time soon.
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316. You should. You're old.
You don't have many years left.
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317. I really need to meet
a whole new group of people.
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318. Hey, what you doin'?
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319. Helping your mom with laundry.
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320. Oh, yeah. That's usually my job.
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321. Uh, maybe when you're done,
we can go down to the mall
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322. and hang out.
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323. Oh, I promised your sister I'd
take her out for some girl time.
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324. Maybe I can come along.
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325. Then it wouldn't be girl time.
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326. No, not entirely,
but it would be mostly.
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327. Take a hint, dummy.
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328. Greetings.
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329. You've reached Dr. John Sturgis.
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330. Leave a message
and I'll be in touch.
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331. Thank you very much.
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332. Hey, that rhymed.
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333. John, I know you're there.
Pick up.
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334. If you don't pick up,
I'm gonna get really mad.
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335. I'm getting really mad.
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336. Call me back.
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337. Sorry, I know this isn't
the most fun thing in the world.
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338. I was happy just riding
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339. in the front seat of your car.
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340. You probably hear this a lot,
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341. but you're, like,
princess pretty.
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342. I don't know about that.
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343. But you are definitely
princess material.
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344. Well, until I'm allowed
to wear makeup,
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345. this is as hot as I get.
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346. You don't need makeup.
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347. I hope you're right.
Mom says I have to wait till I'm 16.
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348. Mm. That'll get here
sooner than you think.
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349. Sure doesn't feel like it.
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350. Don't be in a rush.
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351. Honestly...
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352. - I'd rather be your age again.
- Really?
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353. Yeah.
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354. Being a grown-up is, uh...
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355. complicated.
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356. Maybe if we make
a wish at the same time
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357. we could switch places.
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358. - You think?
- It's worth a try.
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359. Okay.
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360. What do we need to do?
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361. We close our eyes
and at the exact same time say,
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362. "I wish I could switch places."
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363. Ready?
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364. One... two... three.
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365. I wish I could switch places.
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366. Well?
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367. I'm still here. You?
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368. - Same.
- That's too bad.
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369. I really wanted to drive home.
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370. - Can I anyway?
- Sure.
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371. - Really?
- No.
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372. Please, can we keep her?
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373. No, we cannot keep her.
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374. We don't have a dog
'cause of Sheldon.
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375. Why can't I have Veronica?
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376. I'm not participating
in this conversation.
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377. We could give Sheldon
to Veronica's mom.
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378. Like a trade.
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379. I'll get it, Mrs. Cooper.
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380. Look how helpful she is.
Come on!
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381. Out.
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382. What do you want?
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383. Grab your stuff,
Your mama wants you home.
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384. Yeah, well,
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385. when she wants me to come home,
she can call me.
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386. Damn it, Veronica.
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387. I'm in no mood.
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388. What's going on?
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389. I'm taking her home.
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390. She's not going
anywhere with you.
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391. - What'd you say?
- Clint, stop.
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392. You mind
putting down my kid?
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393. We were just playing around.
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394. This is my mom's
boyfriend, Clint.
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395. Hello, Clint.
What can we do for you?
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396. I'm here to pick up Veronica.
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397. Come on.
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398. You want to go with this man?
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399. No, sir.
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400. You heard her.
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401. Thanks for stopping by.
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402. You really want to mess with me?
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403. Sure.
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404. Why not?
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405. What's going on out there?
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406. - You might want
to call the police.
- Why?
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407. There's a bum
sleeping on our front porch.
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408. What's this?
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409. "Connie Tucker
is proud to announce
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410. that she is sweet
on Dr. John Sturgis and they are
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411. officially a romantic couple."
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412. Oh, boy!
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413. I'm back in business!
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