1. - Good evening.
I'm Randall Park.
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2. Candidate Dwayne Johnson
finds himself embroiled
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3. in controversy today
over the announcement
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4. of his vice presidential
running mate,
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5. General Monica Jackson.
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6. As a West Point cadet,
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7. General Jackson wrote
a weekly humor column
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8. for the school newspaper called
"Just Joking,"
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9. where she offered up
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10. "witticisms
of mass destruction."
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11. Yeah.
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12. - Randall, we have vetted
General Jackson thoroughly,
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13. and I've seen her column.
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14. - Even this one
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15. where she calls
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan
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16. "a weak cup of Kofi"?
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17. - Look, clearly she's not
my running mate
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18. for her sense of humor.
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19. She's here because we have a
shared vision for the country.
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20. - Well, as someone who's
familiar with comedy
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21. from my acting days,
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22. I know how polarizing
it can be.
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23. Amy Polarizing.
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24. That's good!
- Yeah.
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25. - That is good.
Get in here.
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26. That's good.
- Okay.
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27. Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
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28. - Awesome.
- Uh, where you going?
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29. We still have an interview,
I think, right?
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30. - Oh, oh, sorry.
No, I-I-I just got excited.
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31. - Caught up in the moment.
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32. - Yeah.
- It was a good joke.
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33. - Thank you, thank you.
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34. Anyway, so certain factions
are calling on you
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35. to choose a new running mate,
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36. saying that Jackson
lacks the credibility
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37. to be vice president.
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38. - Look, she's still my partner
in this thing,
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39. and I don't leave
my partners behind.
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40. - Mm.
- Hopkins taught me that one.
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41. - Hopkins.
- Yeah.
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42. - Yes, yes, Hopkins, Hopkins.
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43. Your costar
in "The Scorpion King," right?
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44. - No one named Hopkins
on that one.
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45. - Right, no, no.
That's not Hopkins.
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46. Hopkins was...
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47. - You know, Randall,
it might be easier
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48. is I just told you the story.
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49. - Right.
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50. 1991, I was playing football
for the University of Miami.
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51. - So I've been open
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52. about how badly I handled
my first semester of college,
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53. getting injured and almost
flunking out of school.
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54. I was spending the off-season
rehabbing
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55. and getting myself back
on track
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56. and ready for a new season
with new teammates.
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57. - You Dwayne Johnson?
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58. - Yeah, who's asking?
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59. - Warren Sapp,
freshman tight end.
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60. - Future bench-press
record holder.
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61. - Oh, you think you got it?
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62. - Man, get your Sharpie ready.
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63. Okay, freshman.
- I don't want no excuses.
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64. I know you already been
working.
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65. - Don't worry.
You won't hear any.
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66. - Uh-huh.
Let's get it.
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67. This is so easy.
- So easy.
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68. - I'm thinking about what
I'm about to have for lunch.
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69. - I wish I had a book.
I'd start reading it.
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70. I was feeling strong,
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71. couldn't wait
for the next season to start.
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72. My parents were so excited,
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73. they even watched tapes
of our practice scrimmages.
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74. - Whoo-hoo!
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75. - Something happen
on that play?
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76. - Yes, Dewey didn't get hurt!
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77. - Ooh, you know!
- Yeah, you like that, Dewey?
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78. What about this?
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79. You know
what those grades mean?
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80. You're still
on academic probation.
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81. - Coach O, how did you
get my grades?
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82. Aren't they private?
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83. - Nothing's private
from me, son.
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84. This ain't no joke now.
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85. Not only do you need to get
these grades up,
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86. you need to show the school
your appreciativeness
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87. to even letting you play.
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88. - Like compliment them
on the renovations
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89. they made
to the administration building.
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90. - You are making me
so mad, Dwayne.
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91. No!
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92. You need to volunteer.
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93. Do something to help
the university.
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94. Show them your dedication
to the school
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95. goes beyond football.
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96. Here.
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97. Call this guy.
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98. Tell him you want to help out
with campus security.
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99. This is real important, Dewey.
You can't mess this up.
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100. - Uh, Coach, this is your card.
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101. - What?
Oh.
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102. Kind of looks like me,
don't it?
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103. Yeah, I found that
on the clip art.
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104. There, that face.
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105. - While I was doing
whatever I had to
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106. to keep playing football,
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107. my grandmother was returning
to the U.S.
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108. after years of exile in Samoa.
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109. - Could you take
your hat off, please?
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110. - Why?
- It's obscuring your face.
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111. - Are you hitting on me?
- Ma'am.
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112. - Fine.
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113. - And where are you
coming from?
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114. - Where am I coming from?
Hell, that's where.
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115. For almost two years in Samoa,
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116. I was homeless and sleeping
on people's couches,
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117. and at night, I would stare
up in the stars,
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118. thinking about getting back
to my family,
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119. and then one day I heard
from my daughter.
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120. She told me that my grandson
had found a way
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121. to get me back
into the country.
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122. My prayers had been answered.
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123. - Okay, so,
under "countries visited,"
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124. I'm just gonna put Samoa.
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125. - Idiot.
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126. Stupid.
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127. - Okay, wait.
I'm confused.
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128. How did you get her back
into the country
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129. if she was deported
by the federal government?
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130. - Let's just say that I found
a little loophole in the law,
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131. and she became a citizen again.
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132. - Can I ask
a follow-up question?
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133. - I wouldn't.
- Just a quick one.
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134. Was Hopkins somehow involved
in all that?
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135. - No, he wasn't.
I hadn't met Hopkins yet.
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136. I was about to.
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137. Coach's contact pulled through
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138. and helped me get a job
in campus security
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139. in a department called
"Phone Services."
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140. - You'll be checking
the emergency phones on campus
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141. to make sure
they're operational.
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142. - Okay, so I just have to—
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143. - Don't worry,
I'm gonna have one
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144. of our most experienced techs
train you.
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145. Hopkins!
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146. - Hopkins!
- Hopkins!
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147. - That's Hopkins.
- That's Hopkins.
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148. Come on, give me some.
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149. All right, yes!
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150. - Where you going? We're still
doing the interview.
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151. - Oh, that's right.
You're totally right.
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152. That's right.
- That's right.
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153. There we go.
- Okay, sorry about that.
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154. - It's okay.
- Just got excited.
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155. - It's Hopkins.
- Hopkins!
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156. - Hopkins, this is your new
partner, Dwayne Johnson.
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157. - I don't need a partner.
I'm good, thanks.
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158. - This isn't a choice, Hopkins.
This is an assignment.
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159. - Get somebody else
to take him.
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160. I've got seniority,
for God sakes.
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161. - Come on.
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162. Show Dwayne the ropes.
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163. - Just eight months
to graduation.
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164. - So we just check
the phone and—
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165. - Okay, here's the deal.
None of that matters.
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166. All right?
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167. We write our names on that
sign-in sheet every morning,
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168. get the list of phones
we're supposed to check,
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169. then go home and watch movies
until it's time to sign out.
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170. - What?
But Justin said that—
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171. - He has to say that,
but he knows the deal.
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172. We look out for each other.
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173. Now that I've told you,
you're a part of that circle.
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174. - Look, this job is keeping me
on the football field.
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175. If you're messing with my
chances to get to the NFL,
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176. I will kill you.
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177. - Just take it easy, big fella,
all right?
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178. Just follow my lead,
and everything will be fine.
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179. The only thing I need to know
is, do you like action movies?
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180. - Of course I like
action movies.
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181. - Then welcome to the greatest
scam in college history.
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182. - Whoa!
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183. - Yo, you sure about this?
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184. We just watch movies
and then go back and sign out
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185. at the end of our shift?
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186. You sure we don't have
to check any campus phones?
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187. - Look here, man.
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188. I used to check the phones
like a good soldier
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189. my first few months here,
and you know what I found?
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190. They worked.
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191. If they don't,
somebody'd tell us.
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192. We're entirely unnecessary.
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193. Trust me, I've been doing this
a long time, almost a year.
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194. This flick is good.
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195. Not as good
as Schwarzenegger's—
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196. best action star of all time.
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197. - No, Stallone, all day.
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198. - This isn't a debate.
It's a fact.
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199. - It's a fact that my guy
could take your guy
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200. via land, sea, air, and time.
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201. - Say your daughter gets
kidnapped
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202. by a Latin American dictator.
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203. - Okay.
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204. - You can send one guy
to save her—who do you pick?
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205. - Rambo.
- Mm-mm.
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206. He's experienced
in tropical environments.
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207. He's escaped a P.O.W. camp.
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208. He knows how to deal
with a loose cannon.
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209. - Rambo knows Vietnam.
He doesn't know South America.
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210. And, yeah, he escaped
a P.O.W. camp,
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211. but he lost his best friends
in the process.
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212. - 'Cause he was double-crossed!
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213. - Schwarzenegger
doesn't make excuses.
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214. - Oh, but I'm sure you will
for "Red Sonja."
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215. - Two beautiful foreigners
with swords getting revenge?
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216. I don't see a problem.
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217. - Ooh!
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218. - Here we are!
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219. Why are these so heavy?
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220. - It's the wood
for my carvings.
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221. - So we have a surprise.
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222. We've called some
of the old crew,
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223. and they're all coming to town.
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224. We're throwing you a barbecue
this weekend.
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225. - Who's gonna man the grill?
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226. - Why is that everyone's
first question?
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227. Who cares who mans the grill?
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228. - Ah, Dewey.
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229. I can't wait to see him.
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230. - Won't be long
before you're able to see him
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231. play football on TV
on Saturday.
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232. - You hear that, High Chief?
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233. You're grandson, big star,
playing football on TV.
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234. How much he get paid?
- Nothing.
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235. - They don't get paid
in college.
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236. - Stupid.
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237. You made me bore the High Chief
with stupid news?
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238. You know how busy he is
in Heaven?
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239. - You son of a bitch.
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240. - He's no Stallone,
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241. but your guy Schwarzenegger
can deliver a catchphrase.
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242. - Hell, yeah, he can.
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243. Get to the chopper.
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244. - Get to the chopper.
- Get to the chopper.
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245. - Get to the chopper!
- Get to the chopper!
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246. - Oh, there it is, there it is.
It's coming, it's coming.
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247. - Oh!
- Yes!
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248. - Watch this.
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249. - Oh!
- Aah!
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250. - Kill me!
I'm here!
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251. Come on, do it now!
Kill me!
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252. - Aah!
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253. - You have to cut
the ground wire.
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254. It's the blue wire
with the white stripe.
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255. - Yes!
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256. - You see, the mud
is what protects you.
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257. - No, I don't—I would've
seen him regardless.
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258. - It's invisibility.
You would not have seen him.
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259. - Bro, you don't know my power.
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260. - Says here all the phones
are in working order.
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261. You sure about that?
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262. - Of course we're sure.
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263. - I was gonna say,
"We have 'Total Recall.'"
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264. - Here you go.
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265. - That's hilarious.
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266. - Have a good one.
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267. You guys better hope
those phones are working.
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268. That was Amanda Chavez from HQ.
She's doing quality control.
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269. - What do you mean
quality control?
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270. - She's checking the phones.
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271. She's got your checklist,
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272. and she's gonna make sure
it's accurate.
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273. - You said no one ever checks.
- They don't.
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274. They never do.
- Well, they are now.
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275. Amanda Chavez is checking
your work,
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276. and if anything's off,
we're all screwed.
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277. - Oh, I can't mess this up.
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278. My football career, my life
is on the line.
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279. - And I'm saving up
for a Sega Genesis.
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280. - Then you need to get
to those phones
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281. before Amanda Chavez does.
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282. Do not screw this up!
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283. God help us if Chavez is
wearing her comfortable heels.
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284. - Move, move, move, move!
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285. - Whoa!
- Excuse me!
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286. - Hey!
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287. - Sorry, sorry!
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288. - She's halfway
to the first phone.
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289. - How are we gonna beat her
there without her seeing us?
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290. - What if we go this way?
- Jump the arboretum wall?
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291. That bitch is eight feet high!
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292. - Or we could go
through the natatorium.
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293. - Pool. Man, the lifeguards
will make us walk.
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294. - Well, the arboretum
or the natatorium?
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295. - Um...
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296. - The arboretum
or the natatorium?
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297. Make the call!
- The arboretum!
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298. - Okay.
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299. All right, It works.
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300. Hey, Hopkins, look.
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301. - What's she doing over there?
- She changed her route.
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302. She's headed to the phone
by the library.
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303. - Damn it!
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304. It doesn't make any sense.
Why would she do that?
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305. - We're dealing
with a loose cannon.
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306. - She's heading to the phone
on the other side
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307. of that plaza.
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308. She's almost there.
What do we do?
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309. - I got an idea.
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310. You move those cones and
reroute that band to block her.
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311. I'm gonna cut through the
building to beat her there.
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312. - Oh, uh...
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313. - It's up to you now, Johnson.
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314. - Today we're gonna be talking
about electromagnetic force.
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315. Excuse me, can we help you?
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316. - Uh, no need, all good.
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317. - What is your name?
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318. - Warren Sapp!
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319. - Hopkins.
- What?
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320. - Put your feet down.
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321. - Oh.
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322. - Thank you, baby.
- Thank you.
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323. - I know this sounds crazy,
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324. but I think I might grill up
some peaches.
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325. - Is she making peach burgers?
- Mm-hmm.
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326. - Lia, you wouldn't believe
how much beef jerky
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327. they make me eat when I shoot
one of those commercials.
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328. Guess how much.
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329. - A hundred pounds?
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330. - A hundred p—
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331. No, now, that is a crazy amount
of jerky.
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332. 38 sticks, yeah.
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333. - Ooh.
- 38.
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334. - I once ate 38 eggs in a day.
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335. - Ah, well, there ain't no
money in eggs, my brother,
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336. but beef jerky did pay
for my Lambo
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337. Ooh, yeah!
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338. - Billy Crystal told me to buy
two Lamborghinis
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339. and use them as roller skates.
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340. - I'm so glad
you called me, Lia.
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341. I didn't think you were ever
gonna forgive me
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342. for going with Greg Yao.
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343. - It's funny.
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344. I used to care about things
like that,
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345. but my time in Samoa...
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346. - Mom, you get the first burger
off the grill.
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347. - Thank you, darling.
I'm not hungry.
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348. - You okay, Lia?
You don't seem like yourself.
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349. What's the matter?
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350. Me.
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351. I'm the matter.
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352. In Samoa,
I had a lot of time to think,
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353. and I realized the most
important thing is family.
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354. Nothing else matters.
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355. Now that I've come home,
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356. I see how I failed my family.
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357. - Mama, you didn't fail us.
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358. - I wanted to keep
Peter's dream alive.
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359. His business was our legacy,
and I didn't do that.
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360. He shouldn't have left it
to me.
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361. - Oh, no, don't say that.
- Don't say that.
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362. - No, it's true.
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363. I mean, we live
in a two-bedroom apartment
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364. in Tonka.
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365. - Tampa.
- Lia.
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366. You gave me a place to stay
when I had nowhere else to go.
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367. I'll never forget that.
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368. - Playing cards in your kitchen
was some
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369. of the best times of my life.
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370. - Auntie, you loaned us money
and helped us get started,
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371. remember?
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372. - And I completely
betrayed you,
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373. but you still found it
in your heart
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374. to welcome me back
to the family.
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375. - When Peter was alive,
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376. I never did see
the wrestling business as his.
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377. - He needed you, Baba,
same as you needed him.
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378. - Peter would have been proud
of the way you fought for us.
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379. - To Lia and Peter.
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380. Lia and Peter.
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381. - Thank you, boys.
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382. Now, can someone get me
a hamburger?
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383. I'm starving.
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384. - Mom, your hamburger's
right here!
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385. - Oh, right, right, right.
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386. You know, I am full on the love
and the well wishes.
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387. - Who wants the peach burger?
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388. Come on, Randy,
you get in there.
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389. - Got eyes on Chavez.
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390. She stopped for a coffee break
at the student center.
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391. We should have plenty of time
to check this last phone.
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392. - Let's get it done, son.
We got this.
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393. - No!
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394. - Hopkins, can you hear me?
- Aah!
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395. - Hopkins!
- I hear you, man!
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396. It's my leg, not my ears!
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397. - Come on, get up.
- I can't.
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398. My leg is busted.
Just go, all right?
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399. Just leave me.
- I'm not gonna leave you.
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400. Would Tango leave Cash?
- You can't risk it.
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401. You need this job for football.
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402. - And you, you need
that Sega Genesis.
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403. Now come on.
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404. Phone Services.
I'm commandeering this cart.
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405. - Johnson, no, don't do it!
Don't do it! Are you crazy?
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406. Look out, look out!
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407. Oh!
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408. - Yes!
- We did it.
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409. - Oh, man, I'm thinking we
need to frame this.
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410. Wait.
What the hell is that?
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411. There's one more phone,
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412. and it's in the student center.
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413. - That's why Chavez
went there first.
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414. She wasn't on a coffee break.
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415. - She went to check that phone.
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416. You need to get to it
before she does.
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417. - There's no way.
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418. The path goes all the way
around the quad.
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419. It'll take ten minutes.
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420. - Not if you cut across
on foot.
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421. I've got my walkie.
I'll be with you the whole way.
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422. - Phone steam ahead.
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423. - What?
- It's word play.
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424. She hasn't checked it yet.
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425. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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426. Damn it!
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427. Hopkins.
Hopkins, you there?
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428. - Johnson, what's happening
in there?
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429. - The phone is dead.
I don't have much time.
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430. Chavez is almost done
with her coffee.
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431. - Hang on, Johnson.
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432. Come on, pick up the phone.
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433. - Emergency Services,
this is Justin.
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434. - Justin, it's Hopkins.
We've got a broken phone.
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435. What do we do?
- I don't know.
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436. It could be a million things.
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437. - Just give us a fix, damn it!
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438. - Okay, look, nine times
out of ten, it's the wiring.
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439. Try to unscrew
the receiver end.
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440. - Johnson,
unscrew the receiver.
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441. - Right.
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442. - Okay.
- What's next?
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443. - There should be
four connected wires—
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444. blue, white, orange, and black.
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445. Do you see those?
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446. - Do you see four wires?
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447. Blue, white, orange, and black.
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448. - Yes, but the blue one
and the orange one
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449. aren't connected to anything.
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450. - The blue one
and the orange one
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451. aren't connected to anything.
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452. - Okay, blue wire goes
to the battery.
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453. Orange one goes
to the terminal strip.
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454. - Blue wire to the battery,
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455. orange one
to the terminal strip.
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456. - Wait,
what's the terminal strip?
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457. Isn't that the shady strip club
by the airport?
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458. - Damn it, she's heading over.
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459. - Johnson?
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460. Johnson!
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461. - Hopkins!
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462. Okay.
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463. Blue wire to the battery.
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464. Which one's the battery?
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465. You got this, Johnson.
Here goes nothing.
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466. We did it!
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467. - Whoo! Ha ha!
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468. - Yes!
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469. Heard the Gulf War
is going well.
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470. - Whoa, that was intense.
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471. - Bet your ass
it was intense, Randall.
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472. My life has been intense.
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473. That's why I surround myself
with people I trust.
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474. When times are tough,
you don't get rid of them.
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475. You weather out the storm
together.
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476. - So is Hopkins
still in your life?
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477. - Oh, yeah!
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478. Yeah, we're
in a football pool together.
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479. - That's beautiful.
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480. - So before we go,
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481. do you have any final thoughts
about General Jackson?
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482. - I know without hesitation
that when the chips are down,
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483. I want General Monica Jackson
by my side.
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484. She is a fighter, she's tough,
and she never gives up,
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485. and I have her back.
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486. And when we need it most,
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487. she's gonna have
America's back as well.
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488. - General Jackson,
how much does it mean
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489. to hear Mr. Johnson defend you
through these tough times.
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490. - It means that we have
a presidential candidate
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491. with integrity and character.
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492. And I can't think of a better
person to lead our country.
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493. And all this chatter
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494. about my college
newspaper column
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495. has really got my comedy juices
flowing again.
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496. - What?
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497. - Here's my top ten reasons
why Dwayne Johnson
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498. would be a great leader.
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499. Number ten—
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500. he will never take you
for granite.
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501. Number nine—he rocks.
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502. Number eight—
- How many more are there?
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503. - Eight.
- Right.
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504. - Power to the pebble.
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