1. Nora Ephron once wrote,Copy !req
2. "Men and women can't be friendsCopy !req
3. because the sex part
always gets in the way."Copy !req
4. But we're making it work, Love.Copy !req
5. Keeping it simple.Copy !req
6. We're friends.Copy !req
7. Just friends.Copy !req
8. Want you to know I wouldn't blame you.Copy !req
9. It's a tough scenario
when they go full sorority ho on ya.Copy !req
10. Oh, come on. She's...Copy !req
11. our boss.Copy !req
12. And it's for the best.Copy !req
13. Can you imagine what I'd do to Calvin
if we were together?Copy !req
14. Or worse, what I might do...Copy !req
15. to you?Copy !req
16. You leave me gifts every day.Copy !req
17. I enjoy them as friendly offerings.Copy !req
18. I can't let them mean
anything more because you—Copy !req
19. Oh, that is phenomenal.Copy !req
20. We still spend time together.Copy !req
21. Between your busy work schedule
and volunteering at a soup kitchen...Copy !req
22. you could use all the help you can get.Copy !req
23. It's not that I don't want you.Copy !req
24. We have a connection, something deep.Copy !req
25. But the last time I loved someone...Copy !req
26. Well, I can't risk repeating history.Copy !req
27. So really, this is me protecting you
by being your friend.Copy !req
28. You see? This is easy.Copy !req
29. Platonic.Copy !req
30. Safe.Copy !req
31. Just friends.Copy !req
32. I don't know, man.Copy !req
33. From what you're telling me...Copy !req
34. it would be easier
for you and this chick to...Copy !req
35. smash.Copy !req
36. Don't say "chick."Copy !req
37. Lady friend?Copy !req
38. You won't tell me her name, so...Copy !req
39. You gonna guess or what?Copy !req
40. T.Copy !req
41. D.Copy !req
42. S.Copy !req
43. M.Copy !req
44. Dude, slow down.Copy !req
45. You'll be dead before you kiss the girl.Copy !req
46. Hint, it's a place.Copy !req
47. Madrid.Copy !req
48. So is she pretty?Copy !req
49. I'll be back at lunch.Copy !req
50. Man, you could talk to me,
the least you could do is talk to me.Copy !req
51. You're living under a false name
in a new city,Copy !req
52. that's mega-lonely.Copy !req
53. Maybe you could use a friend, too.Copy !req
54. Like I said, I already have a friend.Copy !req
55. I don't think you understand
how friendship works.Copy !req
56. Man, I'm just kidding.Copy !req
57. How about
a heritage grain bowl for lunch?Copy !req
58. Oh, man.Copy !req
59. That was great.Copy !req
60. Okay.Copy !req
61. Hi.Copy !req
62. You can play. Just stay close.Copy !req
63. - You want to play?
- There you go, go on the slide.Copy !req
64. I promise we didn't drag you here just to
watch our child almost bash their face in.Copy !req
65. Yeah.Copy !req
66. We have news.Copy !req
67. - We have a date.
- For the wedding?Copy !req
68. - Yes.
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
69. When? Where?Copy !req
70. - October. It's a formality, obviously.
- It's more than an formality.Copy !req
71. - It's gonna be modest.
- It's gonna be huge.Copy !req
72. - We're on a budget.
- We're not.Copy !req
73. I want to make your cake.Copy !req
74. - No.
- No way, no.Copy !req
75. That's too much work for you.Copy !req
76. Your only job at this wedding
is to drink and dance.Copy !req
77. - Yeah.
- Please? I mean, I'll be amazing. It...Copy !req
78. Come on, it would mean so much to me. I...Copy !req
79. Not to be corny, but...Copy !req
80. baking is how I express my love.Copy !req
81. - Don't do that.
- Come on, don't break my heart.Copy !req
82. - Of course!
- Oh, fine!Copy !req
83. - Yes! Yeah-yeah-yeah!Copy !req
84. Oh, my God, okay, I am so excited.
I have so many ideas.Copy !req
85. And I have all this energy
that I don't know what to do with.Copy !req
86. Oh, there it is.Copy !req
87. What is where?Copy !req
88. You cook when you're happy
and you only bake when you're frustrated.Copy !req
89. Let me guess.
Will Bettelheim flaked on you again.Copy !req
90. Does he even exist?Copy !req
91. And if so, I'm sorry to say it,
but he's obviously not into you.Copy !req
92. Yeah, well, that's impossible.Copy !req
93. Okay, look, if you're determined
to ignore the red flags,Copy !req
94. then, yeah, you've gotta
take your cues from him.Copy !req
95. - Or a radical idea: Bumble.
- True.Copy !req
96. No.Copy !req
97. But the second
you start to feel desperate...Copy !req
98. - Ripcord.
- Yeah.Copy !req
99. We'll see.Copy !req
100. I'm definitely walking the line between
desperate and, you know, shameless.Copy !req
101. Will, hope you're not triggered
by the word "moist."Copy !req
102. Oh, it's like eating pure sex.Copy !req
103. How am I supposed to resist this?Copy !req
104. If only the universe
would send me some sign,Copy !req
105. some platonic way
to stay in your good graces.Copy !req
106. William fucking Bettelheim.Copy !req
107. Can I get a different sign?Copy !req
108. Love's buns, am I right?Copy !req
109. Well,
that's accidentally horrifying.Copy !req
110. Your sister's very talented.Copy !req
111. Whereas your twin brother
literally reeks of privilege.Copy !req
112. Who shows up to work unshowered?Copy !req
113. Who shows up anywhere in a kimono?Copy !req
114. So, I couldn't help but notice,Copy !req
115. you are crushing it.Copy !req
116. Like, customers are talking about books.Copy !req
117. This is about Love, clearly.Copy !req
118. Does he not know I'm not a threat?Copy !req
119. But if I might humblyCopy !req
120. make one suggestion...Copy !req
121. Here it comes, some clumsy version
of "stay away from my sister."Copy !req
122. Journals.Copy !req
123. You know, the muse strikes like lightning,Copy !req
124. and the best ideas are always
the ones that slip away.Copy !req
125. You're a writer.Copy !req
126. Director-producer, but writer first.Copy !req
127. I almost forgot, this is LA.
He's not interested in me,Copy !req
128. he needs me to be interested in him.Copy !req
129. You know, managing the store
just kinda helps me recharge.Copy !req
130. I've got five features in development,Copy !req
131. two properties I'm chasing.Copy !req
132. Love, I'm not stupid.Copy !req
133. This mix of humblebrag and gibberishCopy !req
134. is your douchebag brother's attempt
to keep his enemy close.Copy !req
135. Annapurna actually is set to produce,Copy !req
136. and my dear friend, Daniel Day-Lewis,Copy !req
137. is attached to this dope pitch
I've been kicking around.Copy !req
138. And last I checked,
family automatically trumps friendsCopy !req
139. in the social hierarchy.Copy !req
140. I need to win this guy over.Copy !req
141. But DDL's oeuvre is not about that
four-quadrant hero's journey bullshit.Copy !req
142. So I'm, like, birthing the scenesCopy !req
143. instead of impaling myself
on the rocks of a three-act structure.Copy !req
144. "A good story cannot be devised,Copy !req
145. it has to be distilled."Copy !req
146. That's Raymond Chandler.Copy !req
147. Exactly.Copy !req
148. Sport.Copy !req
149. Come with me to Harold Night after work.Copy !req
150. I'm talent scouting.Copy !req
151. An improv show?Copy !req
152. I'd rather watch a cat massacre.Copy !req
153. That sounds dope.Copy !req
154. Incoming... non-ironic brah requestCopy !req
155. for one William Bettelheim.Copy !req
156. Gotta go. Gotta write my morning pages.Copy !req
157. Maybe this is good, Love.Copy !req
158. A benign thing
that'll deepen our friendship.Copy !req
159. Now we share a brah.Copy !req
160. He's a social creature.Copy !req
161. Never alone, therefore never working.Copy !req
162. There you are, cute, innocent...Copy !req
163. Where did he go wrong?Copy !req
164. Forty wrote and directed
a short film called The Third Twin...Copy !req
165. au pair one summer.Copy !req
166. Uh, and so Love and I were making
our own breakfast.Copy !req
167. that may have won a Grand Jury
prize at Sundance,Copy !req
168. and he hasn't done a thing since.Copy !req
169. His inspiration evaporated
in a haze of Hollywood partiesCopy !req
170. and VIP events.Copy !req
171. Then at a certain point,
those evaporated too.Copy !req
172. Your brother is a sycophantic
fame-grubbing Hollywood has-been,Copy !req
173. so of course our first friend dateCopy !req
174. is in a sea of sweaty,Copy !req
175. thirsty Hollywood outsiders.Copy !req
176. You can't play that cello in here.Copy !req
177. This is daycare.Copy !req
178. - Wait, did someone move the symphony?Copy !req
179. Young, hungry, and broke,Copy !req
180. masquerading as
actors-slash-writers-slash-directorsCopy !req
181. to take the pain out of being
nannies-slash-baristasCopy !req
182. slash-disappointments.Copy !req
183. This room is a self-fellating
ouroboros of desperation.Copy !req
184. He isn't even watching.
What are we doing here?Copy !req
185. You're crazy.Copy !req
186. All right, thank you!Copy !req
187. - We are Trigger Warning!Copy !req
188. But stay in your seats.Copy !req
189. We've got a special treat for you.Copy !req
190. It's a secret setCopy !req
191. from someone you may know.Copy !req
192. I knew it.Copy !req
193. Henderson!Copy !req
194. A-ha! That's who we're here for.Copy !req
195. Hendy and I go, like, way back.
I'm— I'm writing this role for him.Copy !req
196. - My skirt was pulled up.
- So you're saying Henderson...Copy !req
197. All right,
how many of you guysCopy !req
198. have seen the movie
and love the movie Love Actually?Copy !req
199. - All right, get the fuck out.Copy !req
200. I'm serious,
I don't want you laughing at my shitCopy !req
201. because then I'll be
second-guessing my taste.Copy !req
202. All right? All right, strap inCopy !req
203. and get ready for a 15 year old
cultural stapleCopy !req
204. that's more cancerous
than my actual cancer.Copy !req
205. Um... So just, like, five minutes,Copy !req
206. I promise, just long enough
for me to reconnect with Hendy.Copy !req
207. Okay, hang on a second.Copy !req
208. From what you know, is he...Copy !req
209. Is he a good guy?Copy !req
210. Oh, yeah, he's like, the best.Copy !req
211. I mean,
he used to be kind of a party monster.Copy !req
212. Um, then the cancer, like,
really set him on, like, a higher path.Copy !req
213. Just... Okay.Copy !req
214. Jonah, man, long time no see, dude.Copy !req
215. Um, I just have
some business with Henderson.Copy !req
216. No, no. You've got some balls, Quinn.Copy !req
217. Come on, man. Like, you're a manager now.Copy !req
218. You're not a bouncer.Copy !req
219. I'm— I'm sober now.Copy !req
220. Then take Henderson
off your amends tour.Copy !req
221. Okay, well, I'm sure
if you just let me speak to him...Copy !req
222. What, you're gonna let her through?
What is she? 13?Copy !req
223. - Are you serious, man?
- Ellie.Copy !req
224. Oh, no.Copy !req
225. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it.Copy !req
226. Fucking manager.Copy !req
227. Five years ago,
that guy was Henderson's weed dealer.Copy !req
228. And he would not know talent
if he was choking on its dick.Copy !req
229. - Cool.
- Let's just go.Copy !req
230. I would follow your brother,
but I think you'd agree,Copy !req
231. I need to follow
the unprotected 15-year-old first.Copy !req
232. What's up, you need a ride home?Copy !req
233. Um, nah, I'm good. I'm a few blocks away.Copy !req
234. - No candy from strangers, huh?Copy !req
235. Have fun.Copy !req
236. - Ellie.Copy !req
237. You scared me.Copy !req
238. Oh, okay, this cannot be our thing.Copy !req
239. What, are you following me?Copy !req
240. - No, I was at the show.
- Why?Copy !req
241. You're not funny.Copy !req
242. I was with a friend.Copy !req
243. Listen, I have to ask.Copy !req
244. Uh, hanging out with Henderson,
you know, your— your sister has...Copy !req
245. history with him.Copy !req
246. Oh, my God.Copy !req
247. Did Delilah put you up to this?Copy !req
248. Yeah, 'course I know she slept with him.Copy !req
249. He's one of a hundred,
she's one of a thousand.Copy !req
250. - So why are you hanging out with him?
- I'm not.Copy !req
251. I'm chasing an internship.Copy !req
252. And Delilah's okay with that?Copy !req
253. I stole Henderson's email
from her contacts.Copy !req
254. Don't you dare tell her.Copy !req
255. - Ellie, you know guys like that—
- Guys like what?Copy !req
256. Wait, let me guess. She called him a perv.Copy !req
257. Know who else she called that?Copy !req
258. Half the fucking cast
of Sesame Street, okay?Copy !req
259. It's her go-to.
And who do you think you are?Copy !req
260. Oh, my God, you're so kind.Copy !req
261. You're so protective.
You're like my daddy.Copy !req
262. - Is that what you like to hear?
- No.Copy !req
263. - Do you want to fuck me, William?
- No.Copy !req
264. - No, yeah, of course you do!
- Never mind.Copy !req
265. Of course you do!Copy !req
266. Everybody wants to fuck the 15-year-old!Copy !req
267. Oy, she's precocious, all right.Copy !req
268. I'll leave the parenting
to her sister for now.Copy !req
269. Especially because
I have caretaking needs of my own.Copy !req
270. Cafe Gratitude.Copy !req
271. What's the occasion?Copy !req
272. You got laid, didn't you?Copy !req
273. Tell me everything.Copy !req
274. U.Copy !req
275. You're an arm away from death.Copy !req
276. Serves you right for changing the subject
away from your lady friend.Copy !req
277. Well, there's nothing to talk about,
we're still friends.Copy !req
278. Still platonic.Copy !req
279. But why?Copy !req
280. 'Cause her pheromonal effect on you
ceased overnight?Copy !req
281. No, it's not that I don't still...Copy !req
282. Well, what are you trying to prove?Copy !req
283. That I won't repeat history.Copy !req
284. With respect...Copy !req
285. you need to see a shrink
'cause you are fooling yourself.Copy !req
286. Your deal is we're all subconsciously
trying to date our moms over and over.Copy !req
287. Patterns are set young,Copy !req
288. and all romance is basically
reenacting parental dynam—Copy !req
289. What? I'm quoting my shrink.Copy !req
290. - Oh!
- And— and he's right.Copy !req
291. Both my mom and my fiancée
are very withholding.Copy !req
292. I'm sorry, are— are you married?Copy !req
293. Engaged.Copy !req
294. Her name is Gigi.
She lives in the Philippines.Copy !req
295. Is this the one
you sent all your money to?Copy !req
296. Yeah, man. I told you I love her.Copy !req
297. We met online.Copy !req
298. One day, we'll meet in person.Copy !req
299. Will, you are 100% disqualified
from giving me relationship advice.Copy !req
300. It's Manila.Copy !req
301. Well, yeah,
I gave you the biggest hint ever.Copy !req
302. Wait, hey, are we just gonna play games
until my meds run out again?Copy !req
303. If I have a future at this company,Copy !req
304. corner office, natural light.Copy !req
305. Transfer to another branch.Copy !req
306. When I know,
you will be the first to find out.Copy !req
307. Wait, you're not eating?Copy !req
308. No. No, the lady friend's a baker.Copy !req
309. What?Copy !req
310. Stop playing games
and just wife her already.Copy !req
311. Hey, and while you're at it,
take her name and give mine back to me.Copy !req
312. Hey, Love.Copy !req
313. Hey. How's it going?Copy !req
314. I'm already drooling.Copy !req
315. Shit.Copy !req
316. Well, that's embarrassing.Copy !req
317. Were— were you expecting something?Copy !req
318. What? No. No, I didn't mean...Copy !req
319. It's not like I'm owed a muffin.Copy !req
320. - A muffin?
- Uh, a strudel.Copy !req
321. Maybe a light religieuse.Copy !req
322. Oh, great.Copy !req
323. Three-hour project,
I'll get right on that.Copy !req
324. This is weird, right?Copy !req
325. All I meant was that I'm grateful
for whatever I can get.Copy !req
326. Which is...Copy !req
327. whenever you want.Copy !req
328. - Or if you don't—
- You're right, this is weird.Copy !req
329. Shit. If I could kiss you right now,Copy !req
330. you'd know I meant no harm.Copy !req
331. But apparently, friendships
are more fragile than relationships.Copy !req
332. I'm sorry.Copy !req
333. For what?Copy !req
334. I just don't know what you expected.Copy !req
335. Sport.Copy !req
336. Hi.Copy !req
337. So, uh...Copy !req
338. Now that I know
you're not a crazy person...Copy !req
339. - I gotta ask.
- And here it comes.Copy !req
340. What are your intentions with my sister?Copy !req
341. Apologize to you, marry you,Copy !req
342. send your brother
out of strangulation's reach.Copy !req
343. Intentions?Copy !req
344. Yeah.Copy !req
345. Not to be all like, you know...Copy !req
346. but um...Copy !req
347. if you were to hurt my sister,Copy !req
348. I could make life
very difficult for you at the store.Copy !req
349. Love and I are just friends.Copy !req
350. Don't get me wrong, she's amazing.
I'm the problem.Copy !req
351. I'm kinda getting over some stuff,
you know?Copy !req
352. I'm working on myself.Copy !req
353. Oh, shit.Copy !req
354. Dude, are you...Copy !req
355. Are you in recovery?Copy !req
356. - Nope.
- Kinda.Copy !req
357. Man, me too. Which— which program?Copy !req
358. SLAA?Copy !req
359. Wait.Copy !req
360. Just because I choose to live so openly
does not mean you have to answer that.Copy !req
361. I'm in AA, and you know...Copy !req
362. for right now...Copy !req
363. that's enough.Copy !req
364. Thanks, man.Copy !req
365. Yeah. You know, I um...Copy !req
366. actually have this killer idea
for, like, a psychological thrillerCopy !req
367. set in the world of celebrity rehab.Copy !req
368. Let me guess.Copy !req
369. An addiction counselor
turns out to be a celebrity stalker?Copy !req
370. Holy shit.Copy !req
371. I think you just cracked it.
Are you— are you a writer?Copy !req
372. I'm just a reader.Copy !req
373. Speaking of Love...Copy !req
374. does she seem off to you?Copy !req
375. I think I might have offended her.Copy !req
376. I wouldn't sweat it.Copy !req
377. She's, like, very wound up lately.Copy !req
378. She's always baking.Copy !req
379. But like...Copy !req
380. who bakes for the baker?Copy !req
381. You know?Copy !req
382. Your brother's right.Copy !req
383. I've been taking your talents
and you for granted.Copy !req
384. Maybe in my attempt to give you space,Copy !req
385. our friendship's become one-sided.Copy !req
386. Maybe I can feed you like you feed me.Copy !req
387. Don't walk out on me!
Ellie, stop right there!Copy !req
388. Are you or are you not
dicking around with Henderson?Copy !req
389. Good, Delilah, set her straight.Copy !req
390. Are you or are you not spying on me?Copy !req
391. You were at his not-so-secret set.Copy !req
392. Not exactly discreet.Copy !req
393. - How much did you pay Will to follow me?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
394. The house manager texted me.
She's one of my tipsters.Copy !req
395. Listen, Ellie...Copy !req
396. Henderson is bad news.Copy !req
397. - You need to believe me.
- Why?Copy !req
398. I don't even know what happened
between you twoCopy !req
399. because you won't tell me
anything about it.Copy !req
400. Maybe because there's nothing to tell.Copy !req
401. You're a walking after school special.Copy !req
402. Hey, not everything is a story, okay?Copy !req
403. You think everyone is damaged
because you're damaged.Copy !req
404. Matter of fact, you love damage so much,Copy !req
405. you made it your full-time job,Copy !req
406. and it turned you ugly.Copy !req
407. Oh, hey.Copy !req
408. One,Copy !req
409. what the fuck are you doing
creeping around my sister?Copy !req
410. Two, why the fuck would you not tell me?Copy !req
411. Delilah, I ran into her.Copy !req
412. The last thing I wanted was any of this,Copy !req
413. but so you know,
I actually did try to talk to her,Copy !req
414. and she said— she said it was harmless.Copy !req
415. Oh, okay. Yeah, good neighboring, okay.Copy !req
416. Did you reach her little heartCopy !req
417. with your little words?Copy !req
418. She's 15, Will!Copy !req
419. Doesn't matter what she thinks
because the age of consent is 18.Copy !req
420. She said it was an internship.Copy !req
421. Really.Copy !req
422. How can I help?Copy !req
423. Just...Copy !req
424. stay the hell out of the way
while I take down the bad man.Copy !req
425. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
426. Same thing Ronan Farrow does,Copy !req
427. except faster and with a personal agenda.Copy !req
428. It's only a matter of time
before I Harvey the shit out of Henderson.Copy !req
429. I have rumors and sources,
and eventually I'm gonna have evidence.Copy !req
430. - Her heart's in the right place.Copy !req
431. I just wish I could trust Delilah
to protect her little sister.Copy !req
432. More to the point,
I wish I could trust Ellie, period.Copy !req
433. Full disclosure,
I put some family-friendly spywareCopy !req
434. on the new phone I gave her
to protect myself.Copy !req
435. Crazy the lengths parents have to go to
to keep an eye on their kids these days.Copy !req
436. - Now, it's going to help me...
- It's a new phone.Copy !req
437. protect her.Copy !req
438. I wasn't lying, Love. The last thing
I want to be in is her business.Copy !req
439. But I meant it when I said
I'll make myself worthy of you.Copy !req
440. That means not turning a blind eye
to obvious cries for help from a child.Copy !req
441. Here's what I've learned so far.Copy !req
442. Teenagers' inner lives are,
on the outside, boringCopy !req
443. and borderline nonsensical.Copy !req
444. In Ellie's defense,Copy !req
445. she's smarter than her chuckle buddies.Copy !req
446. Bottom line, though,
Henderson's correspondenceCopy !req
447. seems as benign as the others.Copy !req
448. She seems to be working for him.Copy !req
449. He seems to respect her taste.Copy !req
450. And all of their texts are about films,Copy !req
451. which brings us to tonight's event:Copy !req
452. obscure film screening
with a group of mixed-gender adults.Copy !req
453. Not my idea of a good time,
but, I gotta say, harmless.Copy !req
454. I think I can stand down,
which is a relief because, frankly,Copy !req
455. I've gotta focus
on salvaging our friendship.Copy !req
456. Let's face it, me baking for the bakerCopy !req
457. is a one-way ticket to a kitchen fire.Copy !req
458. So I'm getting creative
and I owe my inspiration to your brother.Copy !req
459. Love and I
were making our own breakfastCopy !req
460. from total junk every morning.Copy !req
461. Oh, no.Copy !req
462. I stole it from work.Copy !req
463. Don't tell my boss.Copy !req
464. Okay.Copy !req
465. Fancy!Copy !req
466. Mm! It smells like absolutely nothing.Copy !req
467. Well...Copy !req
468. That, my friend, is where you are wrong.Copy !req
469. S'il vous plaît.Copy !req
470. Merci.Copy !req
471. Et voilà!Copy !req
472. Chilla Wafers?Copy !req
473. I have not had this since I was a kid.Copy !req
474. - Forty put you up to this.
- Kind of.Copy !req
475. But he neglected to mention
you call them "Chilla Wafers."Copy !req
476. Oh, yes. This is an art.Copy !req
477. You take the challah,
you soak it in the cocoa,Copy !req
478. then you take that wet blob
and you put it between two wafers.Copy !req
479. - That sounds delicious.
- Will, it is...Copy !req
480. terrible.Copy !req
481. - Like, inedible.Copy !req
482. Please don't actually try this.Copy !req
483. It's the thought that counts.Copy !req
484. And so, uh...Copy !req
485. What is this called?Copy !req
486. It's breakfast, it's lunch,
sometimes it's dinner.Copy !req
487. It was the best I could do as a kid.Copy !req
488. Which, you know, well, uh, it's pathetic.Copy !req
489. Anyway, try it. Try it.Copy !req
490. Uh...Copy !req
491. I'm sorry.Copy !req
492. I am so sorry.
I did not mean for this to be romantic.Copy !req
493. Are you kidding?Copy !req
494. I mean, look at this.Copy !req
495. Are you a sociopath? I mean—Copy !req
496. I told you, I'm— This is—
I'm trying to not hurt you.Copy !req
497. And I told you that's stupid
and giving me zero credit.Copy !req
498. Okay, I don't—
I don't care what you think you are,Copy !req
499. I care about your actions, what...Copy !req
500. what you do.Copy !req
501. And these mixed signals, I mean...Copy !req
502. peak shitty.Copy !req
503. Oh, Love.Copy !req
504. I'd like to ask if you're okay,Copy !req
505. but I don't wanna be accused
of hitting on you.Copy !req
506. What do you care?Copy !req
507. I don't want the plants
to be over-watered.Copy !req
508. - Ellie, if something happened to you—
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
509. Just shut up about Henderson.Copy !req
510. It's not his fault, okay?Copy !req
511. - What do you mean?
- We were all watching a movie.Copy !req
512. There were snacks.Copy !req
513. I ate...Copy !req
514. something.Copy !req
515. Next thing I knew,
I was lying on the balcony.Copy !req
516. Henderson was a good guy.Copy !req
517. He chewed Jonah out for the ediblesCopy !req
518. and he even paid for my town car.Copy !req
519. Ellie, are you saying you don't remember,
like you lost time?Copy !req
520. Don't.Copy !req
521. You sound like Delilah.Copy !req
522. Shit. You can't tell my sister.Copy !req
523. She'll blow things
way out of proportion. Please.Copy !req
524. Please don't tell her.Copy !req
525. Okay.Copy !req
526. I won't tell Delilah.Copy !req
527. I'll just have to do
the parenting myself.Copy !req
528. Tell me how to hack a celebrity.Copy !req
529. I...Copy !req
530. require more information.Copy !req
531. Henderson. An underage girl.Copy !req
532. Probably dozens.Copy !req
533. That's all you need.Copy !req
534. Okay, but hacking?
What are you looking for?Copy !req
535. Evidence he's a pervert,
something that'll take him down.Copy !req
536. Are you doing this for the baker?Copy !req
537. No.Copy !req
538. I'm trying to protect a kid.Copy !req
539. No offense, but you don't strike me
as the vigilante type.Copy !req
540. Which means you're getting something
out of this other than altruism.Copy !req
541. Like...Copy !req
542. sense of self-worth?Copy !req
543. To prove you're a good person?Copy !req
544. Will...Copy !req
545. listen to me closely.Copy !req
546. If you don't quit the faux shrink bullshit
right now and help me,Copy !req
547. I will know you are a bad person,Copy !req
548. and I have no trouble
doing bad things to bad people.Copy !req
549. I...Copy !req
550. bow to your superior self-justification.Copy !req
551. I can probably hack the man,Copy !req
552. but first I require two things.Copy !req
553. One,Copy !req
554. the dude's jacktop.Copy !req
555. No celeb keeps gross shit
on the cloud or their phoneCopy !req
556. since Celebgate 2014.Copy !req
557. So if he's smart,
he's got a dedicated perv device, hence—Copy !req
558. Jacktop, okay.Copy !req
559. What's the other thing?Copy !req
560. A second laptop.Copy !req
561. With WiFi.Copy !req
562. Not a chance.Copy !req
563. I need to download my tools, man.Copy !req
564. Unless you know Python, Perl, Lisp—Copy !req
565. There are ten ways you could send
an SOS with one minute of WiFi—Copy !req
566. Linux, Nexus, Hashcat...Copy !req
567. Or I could teach you how to hack.Copy !req
568. By the time we're done,
your victim will be of legal age.Copy !req
569. What is going on with you today, huh?
What is this?Copy !req
570. Don't blame me. You're the one who has
all the time in the world to work out.Copy !req
571. I've been swamped.Copy !req
572. I've been managing our parents' store,Copy !req
573. rewriting my feature,Copy !req
574. and now I'm in development
on False Promises with Will.Copy !req
575. It's like Promises in Malibu,Copy !req
576. but with fake people.Copy !req
577. Yeah.Copy !req
578. I get it.Copy !req
579. Didn't know you two
were spending so much time together.Copy !req
580. Why are you so prickly about Will, huh?Copy !req
581. Is something going on?Copy !req
582. If something's going on,
you should tell meCopy !req
583. because... twinsparency.Copy !req
584. You know, it's really funnyCopy !req
585. how you only seem to care
about twinsparencyCopy !req
586. when you have nothing going on.Copy !req
587. Wow! Wow!Copy !req
588. Fuck that. Come on.Copy !req
589. You know I'm just trying to protect you.Copy !req
590. Why are you all up in my shit today?Copy !req
591. Because you're avoiding.Copy !req
592. You keep glomming onto people thinking
that's what's gonna make you successful.Copy !req
593. Will can't help you.Copy !req
594. You need to help you.Copy !req
595. Why don't you just do the work?Copy !req
596. Or maybe you're threatened
by the possibilityCopy !req
597. that Will and I could become closer
than you ever could.Copy !req
598. Good game.Copy !req
599. Yeah, write a script.Copy !req
600. Fuck.Copy !req
601. The plan: get in Henderson's house,Copy !req
602. get jacktop to Will.Copy !req
603. Not my first rodeo, thank you, Peach.Copy !req
604. But this one's a celebrity.
Finding his place...Copy !req
605. Surprisingly easy.Copy !req
606. Oh, he bought his historic Hollywood Hills
compound from dear friend Judd off-market.Copy !req
607. Address unlisted, of course,Copy !req
608. unless you look for Joshua Bunter in LA
voter rolls, which are public record.Copy !req
609. Libertarian. Fucking sleazebag.Copy !req
610. Henderson's pad,
built in the 20s, four-bed, three-bath,Copy !req
611. original tile, shallow-pitched
exposed wood ceilings,Copy !req
612. and very high walls.Copy !req
613. Scratch breaking and entering.Copy !req
614. I need to be invited in.Copy !req
615. Which means scoring an invite
to a legendary Henderson party.Copy !req
616. VIP only.Copy !req
617. It's too bad my dear friend Forty
is non grata.Copy !req
618. No, I need to befriend somebody
on the edge of fame.Copy !req
619. Henderson's pre-celeb pals.Copy !req
620. And what better place to find a nobody
who thinks he's somebody...Copy !req
621. than the improv crowd.Copy !req
622. Cross-reference Hendy's Insta tags
with FacebookCopy !req
623. with people he ats on Twitter
out of his hundred thousand followers,Copy !req
624. and you find...Copy !req
625. Freddy.Copy !req
626. He's my ticket in.Copy !req
627. But in order to become an insider
in the cult of improv,Copy !req
628. I've got to speak the lingo.Copy !req
629. Freddy's whole thing is yes-and.Copy !req
630. Only gets you so far.Copy !req
631. Then the game of the scene takes over.Copy !req
632. God help us.Copy !req
633. Scenes are built on agreement.Copy !req
634. Someone makes an offer.Copy !req
635. Chucky said you want to kiss my peepee
behind the swingset.Copy !req
636. No matter what, you say, "Yes, and..."Copy !req
637. Yes, I said that.Copy !req
638. And...Copy !req
639. I want him to watch.Copy !req
640. Which is a great way to indoctrinate
female teammates into Hollywood.Copy !req
641. You want to be famous? You gotta be game.Copy !req
642. Someday, if you're lucky enough,
you can say yes-and to Henderson.Copy !req
643. - All right, guys, that's our show.Copy !req
644. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
645. That was great. Good job.Copy !req
646. I'm glad you could see me up there
'cause you could see me in my element.Copy !req
647. Nobody advances in this cult
with talent alone,Copy !req
648. they climb with heat, connections,Copy !req
649. and for that,
I must channel my dear friend Forty.Copy !req
650. Hey, Freddy.Copy !req
651. Yeah.Copy !req
652. - Great show.
- Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
653. - You used to be in WolfJizz, right?
- Oh, yeah, totes.Copy !req
654. And that team had instant group mind.Copy !req
655. Totes. I saw you at Del Close
a couple years back.Copy !req
656. Eugene said you were a must-see.Copy !req
657. Oh, you know Eugene?Copy !req
658. He's but the tip
of a second-hand bullshit iceberg.Copy !req
659. Man, Eugene is the best teacherCopy !req
660. I've ever had.Copy !req
661. Such strong initiations.Copy !req
662. Like, I got to guest spot
a few fuck around shows,Copy !req
663. and watching him and Billy
and Henderson mind-meld...Copy !req
664. - It's church.
- They're good, yeah.Copy !req
665. You know? So I just moved from New York.Copy !req
666. You and Hendy
used to be on a Harold team, right?Copy !req
667. Oh, Chudthumper?
You know that?Copy !req
668. - Yes! Your object work was brilliant.
- That group was crazy.Copy !req
669. Oh, thanks, man.Copy !req
670. Hey, uh, speaking of Hendy, you know
about the after-show thing at this place?Copy !req
671. - No, but it'd be sweet to catch up.
- Yeah, you should come.Copy !req
672. Gate code is D-I-C-K-S.Copy !req
673. - Classic Henderson, right?
- Classic.Copy !req
674. - I'll see you there?
- Yeah.Copy !req
675. Chudthumper...Copy !req
676. Well, that was only mildly debasing.Copy !req
677. Now, all I need
is to slip in and out with a jacktop,Copy !req
678. unnoticed in a stream of white guys.Copy !req
679. I know, I'm using my privilege for good.Copy !req
680. Old sport?Copy !req
681. What are you doing here?Copy !req
682. No. No way. Did he follow me?Copy !req
683. I hit it off with someone at the theater.Copy !req
684. Did you and Henderson make up?Copy !req
685. Not yet, but I'm seizing the bull.Copy !req
686. I'm— I'm doing the work.Copy !req
687. I'm gonna pitch False Promises
live and in the flesh.Copy !req
688. So go ahead.Copy !req
689. Poor bastard didn't even get
an invite.Copy !req
690. So much for unnoticed.Copy !req
691. Forgive me, Love,
I've gotta ditch your brother, ASAP.Copy !req
692. "Dicks." Classic.Copy !req
693. I want to know who from
the Family got cut from the guest list.Copy !req
694. Take care. Send me the pic.Copy !req
695. See that chick?
That's Henderson's agent.Copy !req
696. - I'm gonna find a bathroom.
- Okay.Copy !req
697. It's risky to leave Forty
in a force field of anti-sobriety,Copy !req
698. but I'm not his babysitter.Copy !req
699. I'm here for Ellie.Copy !req
700. Tina.Copy !req
701. Tina.Copy !req
702. Forty. It's been a minute.Copy !req
703. Oh, what are you working on these days?Copy !req
704. I'm so glad you asked.Copy !req
705. I have got this psycho-sexual thrillerCopy !req
706. set in a, um, a celebrity rehab facilityCopy !req
707. that I think Henderson
would be perfect for.Copy !req
708. It's real, it's fucked up,Copy !req
709. - funny, star vehicle—
- Oh, wow. How does it end?Copy !req
710. Well, you would need to know
the beginning and the middle...Copy !req
711. Wow, sounds promising.Copy !req
712. - Yeah, let's set up a meeting and we can—
- No.Copy !req
713. Mm-mm. No way.Copy !req
714. Why?Copy !req
715. Forty, you know when people
talk about having it?Copy !req
716. You don't have it.Copy !req
717. It is a combination of talent
and work ethic.Copy !req
718. And I'm telling you this to help youCopy !req
719. because you can have ideas
and nothing to say.Copy !req
720. But here's the silver lining:Copy !req
721. you're rich.Copy !req
722. You don't need to struggle.Copy !req
723. You could, like, finance
indie films or something.Copy !req
724. You'd be so good. You're so fun.Copy !req
725. - Think about it, okay?Copy !req
726. I love you.
I'm trying to protect you. Mwah!Copy !req
727. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
728. Henderson's inner sanctum.Copy !req
729. It's so... normal.Copy !req
730. It's a certain kind of assault,
but bad taste does not a predator make.Copy !req
731. I wonder how many people Josh alienatedCopy !req
732. as he climbed the mountain
to become Henderson.Copy !req
733. And how many girls Henderson traumatized
once he had all the power.Copy !req
734. It's Chekhov's knife.Copy !req
735. And as soon as we see it,Copy !req
736. then you know throats are gonna get cut.Copy !req
737. But we don't know whose,
and we don't know why.Copy !req
738. Sure, she's—
she's cutting an apple right now,Copy !req
739. but the audience
is gonna be subconsciously terrified...Copy !req
740. Oh, shit.Copy !req
741. for the human apple.Copy !req
742. It's powerful, man.Copy !req
743. Old sport!Copy !req
744. I am pitching False PromisesCopy !req
745. to these fine fuckers,Copy !req
746. and I'm on page six,Copy !req
747. which now that I'm saying it out loud,Copy !req
748. feels like page three.Copy !req
749. I should leave, I should just leave,Copy !req
750. go help Ellie, let Forty screw Forty.Copy !req
751. Sport? Sport.Copy !req
752. Forty, hey...Copy !req
753. Forty, your sister's asking for you.
Let's get out of here.Copy !req
754. No.Copy !req
755. Boo-oo!Copy !req
756. Party foul!Copy !req
757. Tell her— tell her I'm mid-pitch.Copy !req
758. I'm en fuego. She'll get it.Copy !req
759. Forty!Copy !req
760. Please, let me take you home. Come on.
You don't want her to see you like this.Copy !req
761. - Yo, Captain Buzzkill!
- Why not?Copy !req
762. This is exactly...Copy !req
763. what she expects, promise.Copy !req
764. Do you have any idea how painful it isCopy !req
765. disappointing someone who is that perfect?Copy !req
766. You would be surprised.Copy !req
767. Hey, you know what?Copy !req
768. You need to be drinking that swill
if you're doing blow.Copy !req
769. - Get down. Hey, easy, easy.
- Henderson, Henderson.Copy !req
770. - Yeah, no, I have a pitch for you.
- We got a lot of catching up to do, buddy.Copy !req
771. All right? But let's just, uh,
not mix business with pleasure.Copy !req
772. Let's just call Tina and we'll set up
a meet with the both of us.Copy !req
773. Henderson's trying to help.Copy !req
774. - No, I'm— I'm good. Let's talk.
- No, no, I know you're good.Copy !req
775. As a matter of fact,
I'm the one that's tired.Copy !req
776. Actually... Everybody, guys,
I'm tired, so...Copy !req
777. All right, whatever.
Fuck you, young people.Copy !req
778. I'm in my 30s, I'm down a nut,
and I need my eight hours, so good night!Copy !req
779. Did this guy just tank his own partyCopy !req
780. to make Forty feel better about leaving?Copy !req
781. - Oh, Henderson, man, I owe you an apology.
- No, shh.Copy !req
782. - I'm really sorry.
- Hey, hey, hey. You're a delicious prince.Copy !req
783. Okay?Copy !req
784. Get home safe.Copy !req
785. Bygones are bygones.Copy !req
786. Here, I'll get you to Love's, okay?Copy !req
787. No, no! No, please, please.Copy !req
788. I don't— I don't want to go to somewhere
funded by Quinn blood money.Copy !req
789. Don't— don't you get the curse yet?Copy !req
790. Okay, okay, then we'll go to mine.Copy !req
791. - Okay.
- All right?Copy !req
792. Hey, buddy, do I know you?Copy !req
793. Will. We, uh— we met at a party, Valley.Copy !req
794. - Oh, the finger guy, right? Yeah.
- Yes.Copy !req
795. You're Delilah's friend.
So you know Ellie.Copy !req
796. Yes.Copy !req
797. And...Copy !req
798. she's very smart.Copy !req
799. Did you just yes-and my small talk?Copy !req
800. Yes, and I regret it.Copy !req
801. Hey, keep practicing.
That was really good.Copy !req
802. She— Ellie is—
Is she your intern or...?Copy !req
803. Yeah, that kid is so, so smart.Copy !req
804. Ah, it's the least a privileged
white male asshole can do.Copy !req
805. Hey.Copy !req
806. - What did he take?
- No idea.Copy !req
807. It happened so fast.Copy !req
808. I'm sorry.Copy !req
809. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
810. What did you take?Copy !req
811. Would you mind putting on some tea?Copy !req
812. I'm sorry.Copy !req
813. There you go.Copy !req
814. Do you think I'm talented?Copy !req
815. Of course I do.Copy !req
816. - That's why I push you.
- But...Copy !req
817. do I have to, like...Copy !req
818. live in a shitbox like this
to be a real artist?Copy !req
819. Like...Copy !req
820. where even are we?Copy !req
821. Hey.Copy !req
822. You're with me.Copy !req
823. Always will be.Copy !req
824. And that's all that matters.Copy !req
825. What's the point?Copy !req
826. Even if I made something really good now,Copy !req
827. nobody is gonna care about it.Copy !req
828. That's not true.Copy !req
829. Whatever you write, I can't wait...Copy !req
830. to read itCopy !req
831. 'cause it's gonna come from you.Copy !req
832. I'm sorry I didn't look after
your brother tonight.Copy !req
833. It's not your job.Copy !req
834. It's mine.Copy !req
835. And Forty's fragile.Copy !req
836. Life just keeps kicking the shit
out of him.Copy !req
837. Always has since we were kids.Copy !req
838. Everybody sees the money.
They don't understand he never...Copy !req
839. He never had a chance.Copy !req
840. Oh, when he was little, he was confident.Copy !req
841. Creative.Copy !req
842. So sweet.Copy !req
843. Then, this one summer...Copy !req
844. the year my parents launched Anavrin,Copy !req
845. they left us with this...Copy !req
846. fucking crazy au pair.Copy !req
847. Forty saw way too much, too young.Copy !req
848. Now I'm the one
who picks up the pieces because...Copy !req
849. he needs someone.Copy !req
850. He's a good person.Copy !req
851. He just does some bad things sometimes.Copy !req
852. I'm sorry.Copy !req
853. That's hard.Copy !req
854. But that's love.Copy !req
855. See, this is what I'm talking about.Copy !req
856. I'm not perfect either.Copy !req
857. Codependent brother...Copy !req
858. A widow...Copy !req
859. You haven't even met my parents yet.Copy !req
860. You deserve better...Copy !req
861. than another broken soul.Copy !req
862. We're all a little broken.Copy !req
863. Yet some pieces still manage
to fit together.Copy !req
864. - Shh! He's sleeping.Copy !req
865. I told you.Copy !req
866. We have to be quiet.Copy !req
867. You're a different kind of
woman, Love.Copy !req
868. This time will be different.Copy !req
869. I will never hurt you.Copy !req
870. If anything, we can heal each other,Copy !req
871. and I promise, I'll never take
your cooking for granted again.Copy !req
872. Morning, old sport.Copy !req
873. How do you like your eggs?Copy !req
874. Sunny side up.Copy !req
875. And I will try my hardest to acceptCopy !req
876. being in a damn throuple
with your brother.Copy !req
877. How much longer?Copy !req
878. Ask the shitty burner you bought.Copy !req
879. Well, good news,Copy !req
880. dude was easy to crack.Copy !req
881. The bad news, the dude was clean.Copy !req
882. It's impossible.Copy !req
883. I scrubbed all his files, accounts,Copy !req
884. search history, Pornhub.Copy !req
885. Well, I did my job.Copy !req
886. If I'm willing to put my faith in Love,Copy !req
887. then maybe Ellie deserves the same trust.Copy !req
888. She's smart.Copy !req
889. How you feeling?Copy !req
890. Embarrassed.Copy !req
891. Hey, I'm really sorry
I puked in such close proximity to you.Copy !req
892. - Ah...
- It was a bad edible.Copy !req
893. So gross.Copy !req
894. Thanks for not narcing me out.Copy !req
895. It's on your list.Copy !req
896. A bookseller gets murdered
in the first 20 minutes,Copy !req
897. so, uh... if it's too much for you,
I'll understand.Copy !req
898. All right, gotta get to Hendy's.Copy !req
899. The hustle never stops, William.Copy !req
900. You're gonna come home
to the first book on your list.Copy !req
901. - It's a hardcover.
- I'm already bored.Copy !req
902. For Ellie, something dark,Copy !req
903. funny, ambitious,Copy !req
904. a break from the dreck
that crosses Henderson's desk.Copy !req
905. Bettelheim.Copy !req
906. - Oh, speaking of.
- So here is the crusher.Copy !req
907. I have been...Copy !req
908. giving it some thought,Copy !req
909. and I don't think False Promises
is gonna happen.Copy !req
910. It's a short story, not a feature film.Copy !req
911. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a real shame.Copy !req
912. It's okay.
We'll think of something better, right?Copy !req
913. A real showcase for Henderson.Copy !req
914. My lunch with him
is still on the books for next week, so...Copy !req
915. That's great.Copy !req
916. Hey, can I ask?Copy !req
917. What happened between you two?Copy !req
918. You know, I don't actually remember
much of the night in question.Copy !req
919. I mean, there was not much at that party
that wasn't in my system.Copy !req
920. It was all gonna...
come up eventually, right?Copy !req
921. Just wish it hadn't been
all over his secret toy room.Copy !req
922. - Secret toy room?
- Yeah.Copy !req
923. It's one of those old Prohibition housesCopy !req
924. with the hidden speakeasy doors.Copy !req
925. Henderson has transformed it
into this whimsical little...Copy !req
926. creepy dungeon, I guess.Copy !req
927. And I went full Exorcist on that shit,
just like...Copy !req
928. You said it's creepy.Copy !req
929. Imagine if you collected kids' stuff,Copy !req
930. yet also were low-key
a bit of a fucking sadist in the sack.Copy !req
931. - That.
- A secret room.Copy !req
932. Huh.Copy !req
933. I'm disappointed I missed that.Copy !req