1. Nora Ephron once wrote,
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2. "Men and women can't be friends
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3. because the sex part
always gets in the way."
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4. But we're making it work, Love.
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5. Keeping it simple.
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6. We're friends.
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7. Just friends.
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8. Want you to know I wouldn't blame you.
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9. It's a tough scenario
when they go full sorority ho on ya.
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10. Oh, come on. She's...
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11. our boss.
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12. And it's for the best.
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13. Can you imagine what I'd do to Calvin
if we were together?
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14. Or worse, what I might do...
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15. to you?
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16. You leave me gifts every day.
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17. I enjoy them as friendly offerings.
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18. I can't let them mean
anything more because you—
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19. Oh, that is phenomenal.
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20. We still spend time together.
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21. Between your busy work schedule
and volunteering at a soup kitchen...
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22. you could use all the help you can get.
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23. It's not that I don't want you.
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24. We have a connection, something deep.
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25. But the last time I loved someone...
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26. Well, I can't risk repeating history.
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27. So really, this is me protecting you
by being your friend.
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28. You see? This is easy.
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29. Platonic.
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30. Safe.
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31. Just friends.
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32. I don't know, man.
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33. From what you're telling me...
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34. it would be easier
for you and this chick to...
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35. smash.
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36. Don't say "chick."
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37. Lady friend?
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38. You won't tell me her name, so...
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39. You gonna guess or what?
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40. T.
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41. D.
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42. S.
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43. M.
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44. Dude, slow down.
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45. You'll be dead before you kiss the girl.
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46. Hint, it's a place.
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47. Madrid.
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48. So is she pretty?
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49. I'll be back at lunch.
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50. Man, you could talk to me,
the least you could do is talk to me.
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51. You're living under a false name
in a new city,
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52. that's mega-lonely.
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53. Maybe you could use a friend, too.
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54. Like I said, I already have a friend.
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55. I don't think you understand
how friendship works.
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56. Man, I'm just kidding.
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57. How about
a heritage grain bowl for lunch?
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58. Oh, man.
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59. That was great.
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60. Okay.
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61. Hi.
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62. You can play. Just stay close.
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63. - You want to play?
- There you go, go on the slide.
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64. I promise we didn't drag you here just to
watch our child almost bash their face in.
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65. Yeah.
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66. We have news.
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67. - We have a date.
- For the wedding?
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68. - Yes.
- Oh, my God!
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69. When? Where?
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70. - October. It's a formality, obviously.
- It's more than an formality.
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71. - It's gonna be modest.
- It's gonna be huge.
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72. - We're on a budget.
- We're not.
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73. I want to make your cake.
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74. - No.
- No way, no.
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75. That's too much work for you.
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76. Your only job at this wedding
is to drink and dance.
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77. - Yeah.
- Please? I mean, I'll be amazing. It...
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78. Come on, it would mean so much to me. I...
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79. Not to be corny, but...
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80. baking is how I express my love.
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81. - Don't do that.
- Come on, don't break my heart.
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82. - Of course!
- Oh, fine!
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83. - Yes! Yeah-yeah-yeah!
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84. Oh, my God, okay, I am so excited.
I have so many ideas.
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85. And I have all this energy
that I don't know what to do with.
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86. Oh, there it is.
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87. What is where?
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88. You cook when you're happy
and you only bake when you're frustrated.
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89. Let me guess.
Will Bettelheim flaked on you again.
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90. Does he even exist?
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91. And if so, I'm sorry to say it,
but he's obviously not into you.
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92. Yeah, well, that's impossible.
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93. Okay, look, if you're determined
to ignore the red flags,
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94. then, yeah, you've gotta
take your cues from him.
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95. - Or a radical idea: Bumble.
- True.
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96. No.
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97. But the second
you start to feel desperate...
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98. - Ripcord.
- Yeah.
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99. We'll see.
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100. I'm definitely walking the line between
desperate and, you know, shameless.
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101. Will, hope you're not triggered
by the word "moist."
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102. Oh, it's like eating pure sex.
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103. How am I supposed to resist this?
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104. If only the universe
would send me some sign,
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105. some platonic way
to stay in your good graces.
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106. William fucking Bettelheim.
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107. Can I get a different sign?
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108. Love's buns, am I right?
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109. Well,
that's accidentally horrifying.
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110. Your sister's very talented.
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111. Whereas your twin brother
literally reeks of privilege.
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112. Who shows up to work unshowered?
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113. Who shows up anywhere in a kimono?
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114. So, I couldn't help but notice,
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115. you are crushing it.
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116. Like, customers are talking about books.
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117. This is about Love, clearly.
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118. Does he not know I'm not a threat?
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119. But if I might humbly
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120. make one suggestion...
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121. Here it comes, some clumsy version
of "stay away from my sister."
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122. Journals.
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123. You know, the muse strikes like lightning,
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124. and the best ideas are always
the ones that slip away.
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125. You're a writer.
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126. Director-producer, but writer first.
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127. I almost forgot, this is LA.
He's not interested in me,
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128. he needs me to be interested in him.
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129. You know, managing the store
just kinda helps me recharge.
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130. I've got five features in development,
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131. two properties I'm chasing.
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132. Love, I'm not stupid.
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133. This mix of humblebrag and gibberish
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134. is your douchebag brother's attempt
to keep his enemy close.
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135. Annapurna actually is set to produce,
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136. and my dear friend, Daniel Day-Lewis,
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137. is attached to this dope pitch
I've been kicking around.
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138. And last I checked,
family automatically trumps friends
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139. in the social hierarchy.
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140. I need to win this guy over.
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141. But DDL's oeuvre is not about that
four-quadrant hero's journey bullshit.
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142. So I'm, like, birthing the scenes
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143. instead of impaling myself
on the rocks of a three-act structure.
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144. "A good story cannot be devised,
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145. it has to be distilled."
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146. That's Raymond Chandler.
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147. Exactly.
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148. Sport.
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149. Come with me to Harold Night after work.
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150. I'm talent scouting.
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151. An improv show?
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152. I'd rather watch a cat massacre.
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153. That sounds dope.
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154. Incoming... non-ironic brah request
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155. for one William Bettelheim.
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156. Gotta go. Gotta write my morning pages.
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157. Maybe this is good, Love.
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158. A benign thing
that'll deepen our friendship.
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159. Now we share a brah.
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160. He's a social creature.
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161. Never alone, therefore never working.
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162. There you are, cute, innocent...
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163. Where did he go wrong?
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164. Forty wrote and directed
a short film called The Third Twin...
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165. au pair one summer.
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166. Uh, and so Love and I were making
our own breakfast.
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167. that may have won a Grand Jury
prize at Sundance,
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168. and he hasn't done a thing since.
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169. His inspiration evaporated
in a haze of Hollywood parties
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170. and VIP events.
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171. Then at a certain point,
those evaporated too.
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172. Your brother is a sycophantic
fame-grubbing Hollywood has-been,
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173. so of course our first friend date
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174. is in a sea of sweaty,
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175. thirsty Hollywood outsiders.
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176. You can't play that cello in here.
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177. This is daycare.
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178. - Wait, did someone move the symphony?
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179. Young, hungry, and broke,
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180. masquerading as
actors-slash-writers-slash-directors
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181. to take the pain out of being
nannies-slash-baristas
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182. slash-disappointments.
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183. This room is a self-fellating
ouroboros of desperation.
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184. He isn't even watching.
What are we doing here?
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185. You're crazy.
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186. All right, thank you!
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187. - We are Trigger Warning!
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188. But stay in your seats.
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189. We've got a special treat for you.
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190. It's a secret set
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191. from someone you may know.
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192. I knew it.
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193. Henderson!
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194. A-ha! That's who we're here for.
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195. Hendy and I go, like, way back.
I'm— I'm writing this role for him.
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196. - My skirt was pulled up.
- So you're saying Henderson...
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197. All right,
how many of you guys
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198. have seen the movie
and love the movie Love Actually?
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199. - All right, get the fuck out.
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200. I'm serious,
I don't want you laughing at my shit
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201. because then I'll be
second-guessing my taste.
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202. All right? All right, strap in
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203. and get ready for a 15 year old
cultural staple
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204. that's more cancerous
than my actual cancer.
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205. Um... So just, like, five minutes,
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206. I promise, just long enough
for me to reconnect with Hendy.
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207. Okay, hang on a second.
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208. From what you know, is he...
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209. Is he a good guy?
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210. Oh, yeah, he's like, the best.
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211. I mean,
he used to be kind of a party monster.
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212. Um, then the cancer, like,
really set him on, like, a higher path.
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213. Just... Okay.
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214. Jonah, man, long time no see, dude.
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215. Um, I just have
some business with Henderson.
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216. No, no. You've got some balls, Quinn.
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217. Come on, man. Like, you're a manager now.
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218. You're not a bouncer.
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219. I'm— I'm sober now.
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220. Then take Henderson
off your amends tour.
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221. Okay, well, I'm sure
if you just let me speak to him...
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222. What, you're gonna let her through?
What is she? 13?
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223. - Are you serious, man?
- Ellie.
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224. Oh, no.
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225. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it.
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226. Fucking manager.
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227. Five years ago,
that guy was Henderson's weed dealer.
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228. And he would not know talent
if he was choking on its dick.
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229. - Cool.
- Let's just go.
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230. I would follow your brother,
but I think you'd agree,
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231. I need to follow
the unprotected 15-year-old first.
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232. What's up, you need a ride home?
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233. Um, nah, I'm good. I'm a few blocks away.
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234. - No candy from strangers, huh?
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235. Have fun.
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236. - Ellie.
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237. You scared me.
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238. Oh, okay, this cannot be our thing.
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239. What, are you following me?
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240. - No, I was at the show.
- Why?
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241. You're not funny.
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242. I was with a friend.
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243. Listen, I have to ask.
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244. Uh, hanging out with Henderson,
you know, your— your sister has...
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245. history with him.
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246. Oh, my God.
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247. Did Delilah put you up to this?
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248. Yeah, 'course I know she slept with him.
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249. He's one of a hundred,
she's one of a thousand.
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250. - So why are you hanging out with him?
- I'm not.
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251. I'm chasing an internship.
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252. And Delilah's okay with that?
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253. I stole Henderson's email
from her contacts.
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254. Don't you dare tell her.
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255. - Ellie, you know guys like that—
- Guys like what?
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256. Wait, let me guess. She called him a perv.
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257. Know who else she called that?
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258. Half the fucking cast
of Sesame Street, okay?
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259. It's her go-to.
And who do you think you are?
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260. Oh, my God, you're so kind.
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261. You're so protective.
You're like my daddy.
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262. - Is that what you like to hear?
- No.
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263. - Do you want to fuck me, William?
- No.
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264. - No, yeah, of course you do!
- Never mind.
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265. Of course you do!
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266. Everybody wants to fuck the 15-year-old!
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267. Oy, she's precocious, all right.
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268. I'll leave the parenting
to her sister for now.
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269. Especially because
I have caretaking needs of my own.
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270. Cafe Gratitude.
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271. What's the occasion?
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272. You got laid, didn't you?
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273. Tell me everything.
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274. U.
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275. You're an arm away from death.
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276. Serves you right for changing the subject
away from your lady friend.
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277. Well, there's nothing to talk about,
we're still friends.
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278. Still platonic.
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279. But why?
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280. 'Cause her pheromonal effect on you
ceased overnight?
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281. No, it's not that I don't still...
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282. Well, what are you trying to prove?
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283. That I won't repeat history.
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284. With respect...
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285. you need to see a shrink
'cause you are fooling yourself.
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286. Your deal is we're all subconsciously
trying to date our moms over and over.
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287. Patterns are set young,
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288. and all romance is basically
reenacting parental dynam—
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289. What? I'm quoting my shrink.
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290. - Oh!
- And— and he's right.
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291. Both my mom and my fiancée
are very withholding.
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292. I'm sorry, are— are you married?
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293. Engaged.
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294. Her name is Gigi.
She lives in the Philippines.
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295. Is this the one
you sent all your money to?
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296. Yeah, man. I told you I love her.
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297. We met online.
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298. One day, we'll meet in person.
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299. Will, you are 100% disqualified
from giving me relationship advice.
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300. It's Manila.
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301. Well, yeah,
I gave you the biggest hint ever.
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302. Wait, hey, are we just gonna play games
until my meds run out again?
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303. If I have a future at this company,
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304. corner office, natural light.
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305. Transfer to another branch.
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306. When I know,
you will be the first to find out.
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307. Wait, you're not eating?
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308. No. No, the lady friend's a baker.
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309. What?
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310. Stop playing games
and just wife her already.
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311. Hey, and while you're at it,
take her name and give mine back to me.
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312. Hey, Love.
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313. Hey. How's it going?
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314. I'm already drooling.
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315. Shit.
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316. Well, that's embarrassing.
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317. Were— were you expecting something?
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318. What? No. No, I didn't mean...
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319. It's not like I'm owed a muffin.
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320. - A muffin?
- Uh, a strudel.
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321. Maybe a light religieuse.
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322. Oh, great.
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323. Three-hour project,
I'll get right on that.
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324. This is weird, right?
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325. All I meant was that I'm grateful
for whatever I can get.
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326. Which is...
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327. whenever you want.
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328. - Or if you don't—
- You're right, this is weird.
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329. Shit. If I could kiss you right now,
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330. you'd know I meant no harm.
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331. But apparently, friendships
are more fragile than relationships.
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332. I'm sorry.
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333. For what?
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334. I just don't know what you expected.
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335. Sport.
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336. Hi.
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337. So, uh...
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338. Now that I know
you're not a crazy person...
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339. - I gotta ask.
- And here it comes.
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340. What are your intentions with my sister?
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341. Apologize to you, marry you,
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342. send your brother
out of strangulation's reach.
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343. Intentions?
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344. Yeah.
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345. Not to be all like, you know...
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346. but um...
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347. if you were to hurt my sister,
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348. I could make life
very difficult for you at the store.
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349. Love and I are just friends.
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350. Don't get me wrong, she's amazing.
I'm the problem.
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351. I'm kinda getting over some stuff,
you know?
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352. I'm working on myself.
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353. Oh, shit.
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354. Dude, are you...
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355. Are you in recovery?
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356. - Nope.
- Kinda.
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357. Man, me too. Which— which program?
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358. SLAA?
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359. Wait.
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360. Just because I choose to live so openly
does not mean you have to answer that.
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361. I'm in AA, and you know...
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362. for right now...
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363. that's enough.
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364. Thanks, man.
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365. Yeah. You know, I um...
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366. actually have this killer idea
for, like, a psychological thriller
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367. set in the world of celebrity rehab.
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368. Let me guess.
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369. An addiction counselor
turns out to be a celebrity stalker?
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370. Holy shit.
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371. I think you just cracked it.
Are you— are you a writer?
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372. I'm just a reader.
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373. Speaking of Love...
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374. does she seem off to you?
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375. I think I might have offended her.
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376. I wouldn't sweat it.
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377. She's, like, very wound up lately.
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378. She's always baking.
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379. But like...
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380. who bakes for the baker?
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381. You know?
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382. Your brother's right.
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383. I've been taking your talents
and you for granted.
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384. Maybe in my attempt to give you space,
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385. our friendship's become one-sided.
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386. Maybe I can feed you like you feed me.
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387. Don't walk out on me!
Ellie, stop right there!
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388. Are you or are you not
dicking around with Henderson?
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389. Good, Delilah, set her straight.
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390. Are you or are you not spying on me?
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391. You were at his not-so-secret set.
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392. Not exactly discreet.
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393. - How much did you pay Will to follow me?
- What are you talking about?
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394. The house manager texted me.
She's one of my tipsters.
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395. Listen, Ellie...
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396. Henderson is bad news.
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397. - You need to believe me.
- Why?
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398. I don't even know what happened
between you two
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399. because you won't tell me
anything about it.
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400. Maybe because there's nothing to tell.
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401. You're a walking after school special.
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402. Hey, not everything is a story, okay?
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403. You think everyone is damaged
because you're damaged.
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404. Matter of fact, you love damage so much,
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405. you made it your full-time job,
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406. and it turned you ugly.
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407. Oh, hey.
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408. One,
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409. what the fuck are you doing
creeping around my sister?
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410. Two, why the fuck would you not tell me?
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411. Delilah, I ran into her.
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412. The last thing I wanted was any of this,
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413. but so you know,
I actually did try to talk to her,
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414. and she said— she said it was harmless.
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415. Oh, okay. Yeah, good neighboring, okay.
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416. Did you reach her little heart
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417. with your little words?
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418. She's 15, Will!
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419. Doesn't matter what she thinks
because the age of consent is 18.
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420. She said it was an internship.
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421. Really.
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422. How can I help?
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423. Just...
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424. stay the hell out of the way
while I take down the bad man.
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425. What are you gonna do?
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426. Same thing Ronan Farrow does,
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427. except faster and with a personal agenda.
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428. It's only a matter of time
before I Harvey the shit out of Henderson.
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429. I have rumors and sources,
and eventually I'm gonna have evidence.
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430. - Her heart's in the right place.
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431. I just wish I could trust Delilah
to protect her little sister.
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432. More to the point,
I wish I could trust Ellie, period.
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433. Full disclosure,
I put some family-friendly spyware
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434. on the new phone I gave her
to protect myself.
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435. Crazy the lengths parents have to go to
to keep an eye on their kids these days.
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436. - Now, it's going to help me...
- It's a new phone.
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437. protect her.
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438. I wasn't lying, Love. The last thing
I want to be in is her business.
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439. But I meant it when I said
I'll make myself worthy of you.
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440. That means not turning a blind eye
to obvious cries for help from a child.
Copy !req
441. Here's what I've learned so far.
Copy !req
442. Teenagers' inner lives are,
on the outside, boring
Copy !req
443. and borderline nonsensical.
Copy !req
444. In Ellie's defense,
Copy !req
445. she's smarter than her chuckle buddies.
Copy !req
446. Bottom line, though,
Henderson's correspondence
Copy !req
447. seems as benign as the others.
Copy !req
448. She seems to be working for him.
Copy !req
449. He seems to respect her taste.
Copy !req
450. And all of their texts are about films,
Copy !req
451. which brings us to tonight's event:
Copy !req
452. obscure film screening
with a group of mixed-gender adults.
Copy !req
453. Not my idea of a good time,
but, I gotta say, harmless.
Copy !req
454. I think I can stand down,
which is a relief because, frankly,
Copy !req
455. I've gotta focus
on salvaging our friendship.
Copy !req
456. Let's face it, me baking for the baker
Copy !req
457. is a one-way ticket to a kitchen fire.
Copy !req
458. So I'm getting creative
and I owe my inspiration to your brother.
Copy !req
459. Love and I
were making our own breakfast
Copy !req
460. from total junk every morning.
Copy !req
461. Oh, no.
Copy !req
462. I stole it from work.
Copy !req
463. Don't tell my boss.
Copy !req
464. Okay.
Copy !req
465. Fancy!
Copy !req
466. Mm! It smells like absolutely nothing.
Copy !req
467. Well...
Copy !req
468. That, my friend, is where you are wrong.
Copy !req
469. S'il vous plaît.
Copy !req
470. Merci.
Copy !req
471. Et voilà!
Copy !req
472. Chilla Wafers?
Copy !req
473. I have not had this since I was a kid.
Copy !req
474. - Forty put you up to this.
- Kind of.
Copy !req
475. But he neglected to mention
you call them "Chilla Wafers."
Copy !req
476. Oh, yes. This is an art.
Copy !req
477. You take the challah,
you soak it in the cocoa,
Copy !req
478. then you take that wet blob
and you put it between two wafers.
Copy !req
479. - That sounds delicious.
- Will, it is...
Copy !req
480. terrible.
Copy !req
481. - Like, inedible.
Copy !req
482. Please don't actually try this.
Copy !req
483. It's the thought that counts.
Copy !req
484. And so, uh...
Copy !req
485. What is this called?
Copy !req
486. It's breakfast, it's lunch,
sometimes it's dinner.
Copy !req
487. It was the best I could do as a kid.
Copy !req
488. Which, you know, well, uh, it's pathetic.
Copy !req
489. Anyway, try it. Try it.
Copy !req
490. Uh...
Copy !req
491. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
492. I am so sorry.
I did not mean for this to be romantic.
Copy !req
493. Are you kidding?
Copy !req
494. I mean, look at this.
Copy !req
495. Are you a sociopath? I mean—
Copy !req
496. I told you, I'm— This is—
I'm trying to not hurt you.
Copy !req
497. And I told you that's stupid
and giving me zero credit.
Copy !req
498. Okay, I don't—
I don't care what you think you are,
Copy !req
499. I care about your actions, what...
Copy !req
500. what you do.
Copy !req
501. And these mixed signals, I mean...
Copy !req
502. peak shitty.
Copy !req
503. Oh, Love.
Copy !req
504. I'd like to ask if you're okay,
Copy !req
505. but I don't wanna be accused
of hitting on you.
Copy !req
506. What do you care?
Copy !req
507. I don't want the plants
to be over-watered.
Copy !req
508. - Ellie, if something happened to you—
- Oh, my God.
Copy !req
509. Just shut up about Henderson.
Copy !req
510. It's not his fault, okay?
Copy !req
511. - What do you mean?
- We were all watching a movie.
Copy !req
512. There were snacks.
Copy !req
513. I ate...
Copy !req
514. something.
Copy !req
515. Next thing I knew,
I was lying on the balcony.
Copy !req
516. Henderson was a good guy.
Copy !req
517. He chewed Jonah out for the edibles
Copy !req
518. and he even paid for my town car.
Copy !req
519. Ellie, are you saying you don't remember,
like you lost time?
Copy !req
520. Don't.
Copy !req
521. You sound like Delilah.
Copy !req
522. Shit. You can't tell my sister.
Copy !req
523. She'll blow things
way out of proportion. Please.
Copy !req
524. Please don't tell her.
Copy !req
525. Okay.
Copy !req
526. I won't tell Delilah.
Copy !req
527. I'll just have to do
the parenting myself.
Copy !req
528. Tell me how to hack a celebrity.
Copy !req
529. I...
Copy !req
530. require more information.
Copy !req
531. Henderson. An underage girl.
Copy !req
532. Probably dozens.
Copy !req
533. That's all you need.
Copy !req
534. Okay, but hacking?
What are you looking for?
Copy !req
535. Evidence he's a pervert,
something that'll take him down.
Copy !req
536. Are you doing this for the baker?
Copy !req
537. No.
Copy !req
538. I'm trying to protect a kid.
Copy !req
539. No offense, but you don't strike me
as the vigilante type.
Copy !req
540. Which means you're getting something
out of this other than altruism.
Copy !req
541. Like...
Copy !req
542. sense of self-worth?
Copy !req
543. To prove you're a good person?
Copy !req
544. Will...
Copy !req
545. listen to me closely.
Copy !req
546. If you don't quit the faux shrink bullshit
right now and help me,
Copy !req
547. I will know you are a bad person,
Copy !req
548. and I have no trouble
doing bad things to bad people.
Copy !req
549. I...
Copy !req
550. bow to your superior self-justification.
Copy !req
551. I can probably hack the man,
Copy !req
552. but first I require two things.
Copy !req
553. One,
Copy !req
554. the dude's jacktop.
Copy !req
555. No celeb keeps gross shit
on the cloud or their phone
Copy !req
556. since Celebgate 2014.
Copy !req
557. So if he's smart,
he's got a dedicated perv device, hence—
Copy !req
558. Jacktop, okay.
Copy !req
559. What's the other thing?
Copy !req
560. A second laptop.
Copy !req
561. With WiFi.
Copy !req
562. Not a chance.
Copy !req
563. I need to download my tools, man.
Copy !req
564. Unless you know Python, Perl, Lisp—
Copy !req
565. There are ten ways you could send
an SOS with one minute of WiFi—
Copy !req
566. Linux, Nexus, Hashcat...
Copy !req
567. Or I could teach you how to hack.
Copy !req
568. By the time we're done,
your victim will be of legal age.
Copy !req
569. What is going on with you today, huh?
What is this?
Copy !req
570. Don't blame me. You're the one who has
all the time in the world to work out.
Copy !req
571. I've been swamped.
Copy !req
572. I've been managing our parents' store,
Copy !req
573. rewriting my feature,
Copy !req
574. and now I'm in development
on False Promises with Will.
Copy !req
575. It's like Promises in Malibu,
Copy !req
576. but with fake people.
Copy !req
577. Yeah.
Copy !req
578. I get it.
Copy !req
579. Didn't know you two
were spending so much time together.
Copy !req
580. Why are you so prickly about Will, huh?
Copy !req
581. Is something going on?
Copy !req
582. If something's going on,
you should tell me
Copy !req
583. because... twinsparency.
Copy !req
584. You know, it's really funny
Copy !req
585. how you only seem to care
about twinsparency
Copy !req
586. when you have nothing going on.
Copy !req
587. Wow! Wow!
Copy !req
588. Fuck that. Come on.
Copy !req
589. You know I'm just trying to protect you.
Copy !req
590. Why are you all up in my shit today?
Copy !req
591. Because you're avoiding.
Copy !req
592. You keep glomming onto people thinking
that's what's gonna make you successful.
Copy !req
593. Will can't help you.
Copy !req
594. You need to help you.
Copy !req
595. Why don't you just do the work?
Copy !req
596. Or maybe you're threatened
by the possibility
Copy !req
597. that Will and I could become closer
than you ever could.
Copy !req
598. Good game.
Copy !req
599. Yeah, write a script.
Copy !req
600. Fuck.
Copy !req
601. The plan: get in Henderson's house,
Copy !req
602. get jacktop to Will.
Copy !req
603. Not my first rodeo, thank you, Peach.
Copy !req
604. But this one's a celebrity.
Finding his place...
Copy !req
605. Surprisingly easy.
Copy !req
606. Oh, he bought his historic Hollywood Hills
compound from dear friend Judd off-market.
Copy !req
607. Address unlisted, of course,
Copy !req
608. unless you look for Joshua Bunter in LA
voter rolls, which are public record.
Copy !req
609. Libertarian. Fucking sleazebag.
Copy !req
610. Henderson's pad,
built in the 20s, four-bed, three-bath,
Copy !req
611. original tile, shallow-pitched
exposed wood ceilings,
Copy !req
612. and very high walls.
Copy !req
613. Scratch breaking and entering.
Copy !req
614. I need to be invited in.
Copy !req
615. Which means scoring an invite
to a legendary Henderson party.
Copy !req
616. VIP only.
Copy !req
617. It's too bad my dear friend Forty
is non grata.
Copy !req
618. No, I need to befriend somebody
on the edge of fame.
Copy !req
619. Henderson's pre-celeb pals.
Copy !req
620. And what better place to find a nobody
who thinks he's somebody...
Copy !req
621. than the improv crowd.
Copy !req
622. Cross-reference Hendy's Insta tags
with Facebook
Copy !req
623. with people he ats on Twitter
out of his hundred thousand followers,
Copy !req
624. and you find...
Copy !req
625. Freddy.
Copy !req
626. He's my ticket in.
Copy !req
627. But in order to become an insider
in the cult of improv,
Copy !req
628. I've got to speak the lingo.
Copy !req
629. Freddy's whole thing is yes-and.
Copy !req
630. Only gets you so far.
Copy !req
631. Then the game of the scene takes over.
Copy !req
632. God help us.
Copy !req
633. Scenes are built on agreement.
Copy !req
634. Someone makes an offer.
Copy !req
635. Chucky said you want to kiss my peepee
behind the swingset.
Copy !req
636. No matter what, you say, "Yes, and..."
Copy !req
637. Yes, I said that.
Copy !req
638. And...
Copy !req
639. I want him to watch.
Copy !req
640. Which is a great way to indoctrinate
female teammates into Hollywood.
Copy !req
641. You want to be famous? You gotta be game.
Copy !req
642. Someday, if you're lucky enough,
you can say yes-and to Henderson.
Copy !req
643. - All right, guys, that's our show.
Copy !req
644. Thanks for coming.
Copy !req
645. That was great. Good job.
Copy !req
646. I'm glad you could see me up there
'cause you could see me in my element.
Copy !req
647. Nobody advances in this cult
with talent alone,
Copy !req
648. they climb with heat, connections,
Copy !req
649. and for that,
I must channel my dear friend Forty.
Copy !req
650. Hey, Freddy.
Copy !req
651. Yeah.
Copy !req
652. - Great show.
- Oh, thanks, man.
Copy !req
653. - You used to be in WolfJizz, right?
- Oh, yeah, totes.
Copy !req
654. And that team had instant group mind.
Copy !req
655. Totes. I saw you at Del Close
a couple years back.
Copy !req
656. Eugene said you were a must-see.
Copy !req
657. Oh, you know Eugene?
Copy !req
658. He's but the tip
of a second-hand bullshit iceberg.
Copy !req
659. Man, Eugene is the best teacher
Copy !req
660. I've ever had.
Copy !req
661. Such strong initiations.
Copy !req
662. Like, I got to guest spot
a few fuck around shows,
Copy !req
663. and watching him and Billy
and Henderson mind-meld...
Copy !req
664. - It's church.
- They're good, yeah.
Copy !req
665. You know? So I just moved from New York.
Copy !req
666. You and Hendy
used to be on a Harold team, right?
Copy !req
667. Oh, Chudthumper?
You know that?
Copy !req
668. - Yes! Your object work was brilliant.
- That group was crazy.
Copy !req
669. Oh, thanks, man.
Copy !req
670. Hey, uh, speaking of Hendy, you know
about the after-show thing at this place?
Copy !req
671. - No, but it'd be sweet to catch up.
- Yeah, you should come.
Copy !req
672. Gate code is D-I-C-K-S.
Copy !req
673. - Classic Henderson, right?
- Classic.
Copy !req
674. - I'll see you there?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
675. Chudthumper...
Copy !req
676. Well, that was only mildly debasing.
Copy !req
677. Now, all I need
is to slip in and out with a jacktop,
Copy !req
678. unnoticed in a stream of white guys.
Copy !req
679. I know, I'm using my privilege for good.
Copy !req
680. Old sport?
Copy !req
681. What are you doing here?
Copy !req
682. No. No way. Did he follow me?
Copy !req
683. I hit it off with someone at the theater.
Copy !req
684. Did you and Henderson make up?
Copy !req
685. Not yet, but I'm seizing the bull.
Copy !req
686. I'm— I'm doing the work.
Copy !req
687. I'm gonna pitch False Promises
live and in the flesh.
Copy !req
688. So go ahead.
Copy !req
689. Poor bastard didn't even get
an invite.
Copy !req
690. So much for unnoticed.
Copy !req
691. Forgive me, Love,
I've gotta ditch your brother, ASAP.
Copy !req
692. "Dicks." Classic.
Copy !req
693. I want to know who from
the Family got cut from the guest list.
Copy !req
694. Take care. Send me the pic.
Copy !req
695. See that chick?
That's Henderson's agent.
Copy !req
696. - I'm gonna find a bathroom.
- Okay.
Copy !req
697. It's risky to leave Forty
in a force field of anti-sobriety,
Copy !req
698. but I'm not his babysitter.
Copy !req
699. I'm here for Ellie.
Copy !req
700. Tina.
Copy !req
701. Tina.
Copy !req
702. Forty. It's been a minute.
Copy !req
703. Oh, what are you working on these days?
Copy !req
704. I'm so glad you asked.
Copy !req
705. I have got this psycho-sexual thriller
Copy !req
706. set in a, um, a celebrity rehab facility
Copy !req
707. that I think Henderson
would be perfect for.
Copy !req
708. It's real, it's fucked up,
Copy !req
709. - funny, star vehicle—
- Oh, wow. How does it end?
Copy !req
710. Well, you would need to know
the beginning and the middle...
Copy !req
711. Wow, sounds promising.
Copy !req
712. - Yeah, let's set up a meeting and we can—
- No.
Copy !req
713. Mm-mm. No way.
Copy !req
714. Why?
Copy !req
715. Forty, you know when people
talk about having it?
Copy !req
716. You don't have it.
Copy !req
717. It is a combination of talent
and work ethic.
Copy !req
718. And I'm telling you this to help you
Copy !req
719. because you can have ideas
and nothing to say.
Copy !req
720. But here's the silver lining:
Copy !req
721. you're rich.
Copy !req
722. You don't need to struggle.
Copy !req
723. You could, like, finance
indie films or something.
Copy !req
724. You'd be so good. You're so fun.
Copy !req
725. - Think about it, okay?
Copy !req
726. I love you.
I'm trying to protect you. Mwah!
Copy !req
727. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
728. Henderson's inner sanctum.
Copy !req
729. It's so... normal.
Copy !req
730. It's a certain kind of assault,
but bad taste does not a predator make.
Copy !req
731. I wonder how many people Josh alienated
Copy !req
732. as he climbed the mountain
to become Henderson.
Copy !req
733. And how many girls Henderson traumatized
once he had all the power.
Copy !req
734. It's Chekhov's knife.
Copy !req
735. And as soon as we see it,
Copy !req
736. then you know throats are gonna get cut.
Copy !req
737. But we don't know whose,
and we don't know why.
Copy !req
738. Sure, she's—
she's cutting an apple right now,
Copy !req
739. but the audience
is gonna be subconsciously terrified...
Copy !req
740. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
741. for the human apple.
Copy !req
742. It's powerful, man.
Copy !req
743. Old sport!
Copy !req
744. I am pitching False Promises
Copy !req
745. to these fine fuckers,
Copy !req
746. and I'm on page six,
Copy !req
747. which now that I'm saying it out loud,
Copy !req
748. feels like page three.
Copy !req
749. I should leave, I should just leave,
Copy !req
750. go help Ellie, let Forty screw Forty.
Copy !req
751. Sport? Sport.
Copy !req
752. Forty, hey...
Copy !req
753. Forty, your sister's asking for you.
Let's get out of here.
Copy !req
754. No.
Copy !req
755. Boo-oo!
Copy !req
756. Party foul!
Copy !req
757. Tell her— tell her I'm mid-pitch.
Copy !req
758. I'm en fuego. She'll get it.
Copy !req
759. Forty!
Copy !req
760. Please, let me take you home. Come on.
You don't want her to see you like this.
Copy !req
761. - Yo, Captain Buzzkill!
- Why not?
Copy !req
762. This is exactly...
Copy !req
763. what she expects, promise.
Copy !req
764. Do you have any idea how painful it is
Copy !req
765. disappointing someone who is that perfect?
Copy !req
766. You would be surprised.
Copy !req
767. Hey, you know what?
Copy !req
768. You need to be drinking that swill
if you're doing blow.
Copy !req
769. - Get down. Hey, easy, easy.
- Henderson, Henderson.
Copy !req
770. - Yeah, no, I have a pitch for you.
- We got a lot of catching up to do, buddy.
Copy !req
771. All right? But let's just, uh,
not mix business with pleasure.
Copy !req
772. Let's just call Tina and we'll set up
a meet with the both of us.
Copy !req
773. Henderson's trying to help.
Copy !req
774. - No, I'm— I'm good. Let's talk.
- No, no, I know you're good.
Copy !req
775. As a matter of fact,
I'm the one that's tired.
Copy !req
776. Actually... Everybody, guys,
I'm tired, so...
Copy !req
777. All right, whatever.
Fuck you, young people.
Copy !req
778. I'm in my 30s, I'm down a nut,
and I need my eight hours, so good night!
Copy !req
779. Did this guy just tank his own party
Copy !req
780. to make Forty feel better about leaving?
Copy !req
781. - Oh, Henderson, man, I owe you an apology.
- No, shh.
Copy !req
782. - I'm really sorry.
- Hey, hey, hey. You're a delicious prince.
Copy !req
783. Okay?
Copy !req
784. Get home safe.
Copy !req
785. Bygones are bygones.
Copy !req
786. Here, I'll get you to Love's, okay?
Copy !req
787. No, no! No, please, please.
Copy !req
788. I don't— I don't want to go to somewhere
funded by Quinn blood money.
Copy !req
789. Don't— don't you get the curse yet?
Copy !req
790. Okay, okay, then we'll go to mine.
Copy !req
791. - Okay.
- All right?
Copy !req
792. Hey, buddy, do I know you?
Copy !req
793. Will. We, uh— we met at a party, Valley.
Copy !req
794. - Oh, the finger guy, right? Yeah.
- Yes.
Copy !req
795. You're Delilah's friend.
So you know Ellie.
Copy !req
796. Yes.
Copy !req
797. And...
Copy !req
798. she's very smart.
Copy !req
799. Did you just yes-and my small talk?
Copy !req
800. Yes, and I regret it.
Copy !req
801. Hey, keep practicing.
That was really good.
Copy !req
802. She— Ellie is—
Is she your intern or...?
Copy !req
803. Yeah, that kid is so, so smart.
Copy !req
804. Ah, it's the least a privileged
white male asshole can do.
Copy !req
805. Hey.
Copy !req
806. - What did he take?
- No idea.
Copy !req
807. It happened so fast.
Copy !req
808. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
809. I'm really sorry.
Copy !req
810. What did you take?
Copy !req
811. Would you mind putting on some tea?
Copy !req
812. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
813. There you go.
Copy !req
814. Do you think I'm talented?
Copy !req
815. Of course I do.
Copy !req
816. - That's why I push you.
- But...
Copy !req
817. do I have to, like...
Copy !req
818. live in a shitbox like this
to be a real artist?
Copy !req
819. Like...
Copy !req
820. where even are we?
Copy !req
821. Hey.
Copy !req
822. You're with me.
Copy !req
823. Always will be.
Copy !req
824. And that's all that matters.
Copy !req
825. What's the point?
Copy !req
826. Even if I made something really good now,
Copy !req
827. nobody is gonna care about it.
Copy !req
828. That's not true.
Copy !req
829. Whatever you write, I can't wait...
Copy !req
830. to read it
Copy !req
831. 'cause it's gonna come from you.
Copy !req
832. I'm sorry I didn't look after
your brother tonight.
Copy !req
833. It's not your job.
Copy !req
834. It's mine.
Copy !req
835. And Forty's fragile.
Copy !req
836. Life just keeps kicking the shit
out of him.
Copy !req
837. Always has since we were kids.
Copy !req
838. Everybody sees the money.
They don't understand he never...
Copy !req
839. He never had a chance.
Copy !req
840. Oh, when he was little, he was confident.
Copy !req
841. Creative.
Copy !req
842. So sweet.
Copy !req
843. Then, this one summer...
Copy !req
844. the year my parents launched Anavrin,
Copy !req
845. they left us with this...
Copy !req
846. fucking crazy au pair.
Copy !req
847. Forty saw way too much, too young.
Copy !req
848. Now I'm the one
who picks up the pieces because...
Copy !req
849. he needs someone.
Copy !req
850. He's a good person.
Copy !req
851. He just does some bad things sometimes.
Copy !req
852. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
853. That's hard.
Copy !req
854. But that's love.
Copy !req
855. See, this is what I'm talking about.
Copy !req
856. I'm not perfect either.
Copy !req
857. Codependent brother...
Copy !req
858. A widow...
Copy !req
859. You haven't even met my parents yet.
Copy !req
860. You deserve better...
Copy !req
861. than another broken soul.
Copy !req
862. We're all a little broken.
Copy !req
863. Yet some pieces still manage
to fit together.
Copy !req
864. - Shh! He's sleeping.
Copy !req
865. I told you.
Copy !req
866. We have to be quiet.
Copy !req
867. You're a different kind of
woman, Love.
Copy !req
868. This time will be different.
Copy !req
869. I will never hurt you.
Copy !req
870. If anything, we can heal each other,
Copy !req
871. and I promise, I'll never take
your cooking for granted again.
Copy !req
872. Morning, old sport.
Copy !req
873. How do you like your eggs?
Copy !req
874. Sunny side up.
Copy !req
875. And I will try my hardest to accept
Copy !req
876. being in a damn throuple
with your brother.
Copy !req
877. How much longer?
Copy !req
878. Ask the shitty burner you bought.
Copy !req
879. Well, good news,
Copy !req
880. dude was easy to crack.
Copy !req
881. The bad news, the dude was clean.
Copy !req
882. It's impossible.
Copy !req
883. I scrubbed all his files, accounts,
Copy !req
884. search history, Pornhub.
Copy !req
885. Well, I did my job.
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886. If I'm willing to put my faith in Love,
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887. then maybe Ellie deserves the same trust.
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888. She's smart.
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889. How you feeling?
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890. Embarrassed.
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891. Hey, I'm really sorry
I puked in such close proximity to you.
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892. - Ah...
- It was a bad edible.
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893. So gross.
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894. Thanks for not narcing me out.
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895. It's on your list.
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896. A bookseller gets murdered
in the first 20 minutes,
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897. so, uh... if it's too much for you,
I'll understand.
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898. All right, gotta get to Hendy's.
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899. The hustle never stops, William.
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900. You're gonna come home
to the first book on your list.
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901. - It's a hardcover.
- I'm already bored.
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902. For Ellie, something dark,
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903. funny, ambitious,
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904. a break from the dreck
that crosses Henderson's desk.
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905. Bettelheim.
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906. - Oh, speaking of.
- So here is the crusher.
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907. I have been...
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908. giving it some thought,
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909. and I don't think False Promises
is gonna happen.
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910. It's a short story, not a feature film.
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911. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a real shame.
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912. It's okay.
We'll think of something better, right?
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913. A real showcase for Henderson.
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914. My lunch with him
is still on the books for next week, so...
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915. That's great.
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916. Hey, can I ask?
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917. What happened between you two?
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918. You know, I don't actually remember
much of the night in question.
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919. I mean, there was not much at that party
that wasn't in my system.
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920. It was all gonna...
come up eventually, right?
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921. Just wish it hadn't been
all over his secret toy room.
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922. - Secret toy room?
- Yeah.
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923. It's one of those old Prohibition houses
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924. with the hidden speakeasy doors.
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925. Henderson has transformed it
into this whimsical little...
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926. creepy dungeon, I guess.
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927. And I went full Exorcist on that shit,
just like...
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928. You said it's creepy.
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929. Imagine if you collected kids' stuff,
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930. yet also were low-key
a bit of a fucking sadist in the sack.
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931. - That.
- A secret room.
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932. Huh.
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933. I'm disappointed I missed that.
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