Workaholics 3x5

1. So Lance Bass, I think, was originally the star,

2. and then Justin Timberlake, like, knocked him

3. off his throne.

4. Yeah, and he went and started the Backstreet Boys.

5. - No. - Mm-hmm.

6. Well, then who's in the Backstreet Boys?

7. Josh.

8. Joshua? Yeah, Josh was the star of the Backstreet Boys.

9. Dude, and he's still doing it.

10. - Yeah, he's a talent. - He had a single...

11. Homegirl's passed out.

12. Man, I would not be sleeping on the job

13. if I was the self-proclaimed office prankster.

14. Seriously.

15. Especially a week after she put Fluffernutter

16. on my friggin' headset.

17. And spermicide on my doughnut.

18. Those were funny, dude.

19. It's payback time.

20. "Four inches is fine!"

21. What are you idiots doing?

22. I don't have a pulse.

23. Uh... Honeybun?

24. - Quit hogging it. - Yeah, come on.

25. Now just be sure you get all the ghost off of there, all right?

26. - All the ectoplasm. - Ugh.

27. - Oh, gross, dead people. - This is weird.

28. I mean, Homegirl's dead.

29. Office prankster... gone.

30. Well, now that she's dead, I can let you guys know...

31. That I'm the main office prankster.

32. - Okay. - Yeah, no, I did Fluffernutter,

33. spermicide, that's my shib.

34. I cannot believe

35. you would pull that spermicide prank on me.

36. I can't believe you knew exactly what spermicide

37. tasted like. Ugh!

38. It was a wild guess.

39. Have you been deep-throating condoms, just to see if you can?

40. - Mm-mm. - Okay, well, I just think

41. maybe the best thing to do is remember all the great times

42. - that we had with Homegirl. - Right.

43. - That's probably the... - Mmm...

44. We never really talked.

45. Mm, yeah, I don't really remember any amazing times

46. that I had with Homegirl.

47. - Yeah, me neither. - Except for that time when

48. we were just tea-bagging her eye socket a second ago.

49. That was great.

50. But then she ruined it by being a dead lady.

51. - Yeah. - Yeah, she did.

52. That said, still butthurt.

53. - I'm butthurt, man. - You know the one thing

54. easing my butthurtedness is the fact that

55. we're probably gonna have work off tomorrow.

56. Whoa, I didn't even think of that.

57. - Yes, of course we are! - That's awesome.

58. Of course we are, it's a death day.

59. It's like a snow day, but it's a death day.

60. And check this out. I got a Swedish pen pal in town.

61. She's in Vegas right now.

62. Wants to come to Hollywood,

63. which is where I told her we live.

64. - We don't. - Smart, very smart.

65. I know. I can't say Rancho Cucamonga.

66. They don't know what that is. They're from Sweden!

67. They're not gonna know.

68. - Yeah, swedes don't know anything. - Yeah, you gotta say Hollywood.

69. Hey, Ders, is this the same chick that you told us about

70. where you squeezed her boob through her sleeve

71. while watching Gladiator in your friend's basement?

72. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

73. And it was a long sleeve shirt, so where's my dap at?

74. Dude, I need some sleeve boob myself.

75. I'm taking the other chick, too,

76. and I apologize in advance for marrying her.

77. - Whoo, yes. - Nice. Quick on the draw.

78. Dap on the dibs, Demamp.

79. I don't know about dap, actually.

80. But I'm gonna have to say no, because there's only one pure

81. fair way to decide who's gonna be my bro-pilot on this one.

82. 87. 87!

83. 87?

84. - I'm maxed out. 87. - Okay.

85. Okay, that's... that's a pretty high bar, blazer.

86. So that means you only have to put on...

87. None, because I'm choosing you.

88. - No. No! - You... you serious?

89. Yeah, I'm serious, dude. You look like a professional

90. skating celebrity.

91. The Swedish chicks will dig that.

92. Yeah, man! Pro skater, I can do that.

93. No problem. Blaker has a death wish.

94. No, no, no. Adam has a death wish.

95. Well, you should have thought about that when you were putting

96. spermicide on my French cruller.

97. O'Ders rules!

98. Blake, let's dap out of here.

99. No! Oh!

100. That hurts so bad.

101. Hey, Alice?

102. Can we, um, have a minute?

103. Fine.

104. Uh, Homegirl's death, it...

105. It's got us, uh...

106. We're... we're pretty butthurt about it.

107. - Really? - You know, we want to come in

108. tomorrow and just

109. pluck away and do our duty here,

110. but I don't know if I'm gonna sound okay

111. On the phones, because I can't...

112. You see, he just needs a day to grieve...

113. - Yeah. - Have a good cry.

114. We all just need a... Probably a good cry.

115. - Just a day. One day. - You were gonna cry too,

116. - though, right? - No, I'm... I'm probably gonna...

117. See, he's crying too now.

118. Yeah, okay, so if you guys were actually up...

119. Alice! Hey, what's up? I... it's awesome to, eh,

120. run into you here. I was just out there,

121. individually talking with everyone,

122. and we all agree the best way to commemorate Homegirl's life

123. and remember her is by immediately forgetting her,

124. and just working all day tomorrow.

125. Okay, Adam, don't mess this up for me.

126. You know how I am with girls.

127. I'm like a bull in a vagina shop.

128. Blake, it's not my fault

129. you're not a Rico suave dude, okay?

130. - I am a Rico suave... - You are not a Rico suave...

131. Okay, all right, that is enough.

132. Okay, I don't know what you guys are up to,

133. and I certainly don't know what "butthurt" means.

134. But guess what.

135. Death happens, and it's real sad.

136. And we're all still coming into work tomorrow.

137. Yes! We'll ge...

138. Should we not remember Homegirl by at least

139. having some sort of service

140. for friends, and co-workers, and out-of-town guests?

141. - I don't need this. - Oh, yes.

142. That would be very good.

143. Okay, fine. Tomorrow, after lunch,

144. you can have a thing.

145. - Thank you. - Thank you.

146. - We don't need a thing. - Thank you so much.

147. This is not fa... Alice, this is not fair!

148. I am having the worst day out of everyone

149. in this entire office... Except... except maybe Homegirl.

150. We need cookies, flowers, refreshments, beer...

151. - Yes. - Whiskey, oysters, for the,

152. you know, uh, strobe light, and some balloons that say,

153. "welcome to Hollywood."

154. Oh, oh, and a karaoke machine, and extra-large...

155. Extra-medium condoms.

156. I'm not gonna buy those things, Blake.

157. I can swing by my house for that stuff.

158. - All right. - Thank you.

159. You're being timed. Oh, here he is, grumpy bear,

160. "Mr. Salty that he didn't get a date to the dance."

161. I'm not a bear.

162. - I'm a human being. - Okay.

163. I'm just excited to meet your girls.

164. That should be interesting.

165. And just some more cookies.

166. By the way, good call on the danishes.

167. They're Swedish, but they'll probably get it.

168. Man, this place is actually kind of popping.

169. Yeah. Ooh.

170. Yeah, let's get the...

171. - Oh, speaking of the devil. - I'm not the devil.

172. Okay, just give me the bag.

173. I'm not, I'm serious.

174. She's not, she's serious, but she seriously

175. brought some queso!

176. Ho! Buenos nachos.

177. Should you get a little too grief-stricken upstairs,

178. you can always come down here for a stiff one.

179. Those Swedish girls are gonna want a stiff one.

180. But seriously,

181. whenever I'm sad, the only fixer is a mixer!

182. Yup, always saying that.

183. - Sex And The City stuff. - Yeah, that's cool.

184. Yeah, I watched a lot over the summer.

185. Hey, Blake. It's the "goils."

186. Oh, shoot! Okay, okay, okay, I'm ready.

187. I got the board, I've been practicing some tricks.

188. I've got this accent

189. that I'm gonna try out.

190. Oh, you sound fantastic.

191. Don't... we're not gonna do an accent.

192. - Okay, no accent. - Oh, okay.

193. Jillian, no one past that line.

194. - No one. - Except us.

195. - Okay. - And the babes.

196. - Yes. - Oh, okay.

197. Yo... no, you can't come in.

198. Nah, you can come in.

199. There they are!

200. - Hey, hey, you made it. - Welcome to California.

201. Oh, God, I haven't seen you since we were, what, 13?

202. You haven't changed.

203. Eh, wha... really?

204. Yeah, I mean, your sleeves are a little shorter,

205. which I like.

206. Woo-doo-doo-doo-doo!

207. Remember?

208. Um, so we're going into Hollywood, right?

209. Our flight is at 7:00.

210. Right, 7:00. So, since your flight's so soon,

211. we were thinking we could just keep it real around here,

212. in Rancho Cucamonga,

213. which is also known as Hollywood east.

214. I don't know if you knew that, but, you know,

215. if you guys want to go to the old Hollywood... blegh!

216. - Oh, meh. - It stinks. It sucks.

217. This is great. Uh, we can do that later.

218. Um, I doubt you'll want to,

219. because I got a skateboarding celebrity

220. right here for you. Blake Anderson...

221. Champion of the ramp.

222. What's up, Brajettes?

223. Very gnar to meet you.

224. What do you say we ramp things up

225. and, uh, just kind of... oh!

226. Yeah, kick-flip it inside?

227. What are you doing? What are you doing?

228. Oh, I'm landing these tricks, dude.

229. Okay, so, why don't we head into the office party

230. real quick, because Hollywood doesn't really start popping

231. until like 5:30, 6:00 anyway.

232. Yeah, well, that's when David Beckham comes out.

233. You know David?

234. - Uh, let me just... - Oh.

235. - Sorry... it's just... - Ooh.

236. You have to get out of it, sweetheart, all right.

237. - I love skateboarding. - Oh, really?

238. Yeah, I actually own a Wendy's with Shaun White.

239. Oh, wow.

240. All right, welcome, welcome.

241. Who wants a disaronno on the rocks?

242. What... what happened?

243. Whoo.

244. Thank you. Thank you!

245. This goes out to Homegirl's two favorite things...

246. Sex and candy.

247. Let's give it up.

248. Let's give it up. We'll miss you, Homegirl!

249. You're an angel.

250. She was a strong woman.

251. She could lift anything, it was nuts.

252. It was nuts.

253. Ders, Blake?

254. Do you have anything to say about our fallen comrade?

255. Mm-mm.

256. She was nice.

257. Nice? Nice!

258. She was a lot more than nice.

259. She was a... A king of the hill.

260. She was a legend... Of the fall.

261. She was Malcolm, when Malcolm was in the middle.

262. She was an ultimate fighter till the end.

263. I never told her I loved her.

264. I got her pregnant, but she didn't want to have it.

265. And... and now there's nothing left of her.

266. Uh-oh.

267. Ah, it's okay, bud. That's okay.

268. That stuff you just keep to yourself

269. and never tell a soul, all right?

270. Someone died in your office,

271. and you invited us to party here?

272. Yeah, because, uh, in America, we like to celebrate

273. life after death, so...

274. So, we should probably just go take some Jager bombs at the bar

275. in memorandum of Homegirl.

276. Uh-huh, and then we can get back to the VIP lounge.

277. Come on over here.

278. You guys able to sleep yet?

279. Every time I close my eyes I see her face.

280. - Mm-mm. - I tried counting sheep,

281. but they just turned into wooly little Homegirls.

282. And their naying.

283. Naa-ver forget. Naa-ver forget!

284. - Naa... - Jillian, just a bucket

285. - of beers and some whiskey? - All right.

286. - Sorry about that. - Excuse me.

287. I hope you girls weren't planning on leaving,

288. 'cause you guys are my best friends.

289. - Uh... - By the way, my name's Adam.

290. You guys are like a shining light.

291. I'm so sorry to hear about...

292. Homegirl.

293. Yeah, I'm pretty butthurt about it.

294. How did she die?

295. Well, she went peacefully,

296. thank God.

297. But I was there the entire time,

298. and the last thing she said before she passed was,

299. "Adam, you're the best, and I love you the most

300. out of everyone." And then she was gone.

301. Brain tumor.

302. The doctor said it was the size of a p'zone.

303. Oh, wow.

304. My grandmother died from a brain tumor about a year ago.

305. - Really? - It was hard at first,

306. but it gets better.

307. I know I don't know you two very well,

308. but it would help me out a lot

309. if you guys could stick around, just a little bit.

310. Yeah.

311. We can do that.

312. Thank you. Thank you, I'm so emotional right now.

313. I'm so... oh-ho-ho-ho...

314. You know, I probably shouldn't use alcohol to drown the pain,

315. but Homegirl loved century club.

316. 100 shots, 100 minutes.

317. I'm in. Let's do this.

318. Let's do this.

319. It's an American thing.

320. Um, if I could have your attention,

321. I just wanted to let you know.

322. Blake and I have channeled our sadness

323. regarding Homegirl's passing into a charity

324. in Homegirl's name.

325. Homegirl's home for girls without homes.

326. Well I've also made an organization

327. that's gonna raise money to cure brain tumorism.

328. It's called rollerblading across the Americas.

329. Oh, yeah? North and South?

330. And east and west if it'll find a goddamn cure!

331. Okay, well all the money in the world isn't gonna

332. do anything to bring Homegirl back.

333. The only way to keep Homegirl alive

334. is to name stuff after her,

335. like charities or skateboard tricks.

336. - Huh? - Blake.

337. - Uh. - Show 'em.

338. Homegirl!

339. - Whoa. - Forever.

340. You didn't show her much respect by

341. not using her real name.

342. Yeah, well, obviously it's... it's that then.

343. - It's what then? - It's her name... if that was...

344. And what's her name, Ders?

345. She had a name, dude.

346. And her name was Roberta Paulson.

347. Her name was Roberta Paulson.

348. Her name was Roberta Paulson!

349. Guys...

350. Her name is Roberta Paulson!

351. How do you say seance in Swedish?

352. Uh...

353. Then let us have...

354. Alice, you've got to shut it down now.

355. What?

356. Homegirl's wake. Shut it down, now. Please.

357. Nobody's butthurt. Not anymore.

358. We're all, uh, we're all butthealed.

359. Yup, our butts are the picture of perfect health.

360. - Praise... praise the butt-God. - The wake has to keep going.

361. Her kids are on the way over with some kind of video will.

362. Whoa. Whose video will?

363. Is it like a cool little droid dude?

364. No, it's like a video with last words or wishes.

365. Wait, no, but Adam's up there going out of control

366. on the mic device. He was singing a song,

367. and I don't know what he's gonna do next.

368. Ders. No, video will, that's a great idea.

369. You know, it would've been cool if it was a robot.

370. Video will?

371. Video will. What's up?

372. Mr. Nate Dogg. Are you there?

373. I just have but one question for you, Mr. Nate Dogg.

374. How do I make it into heaven?

375. Oh. Oh!

376. Ay yay. Ay yay.

377. Smoke weed every day.

378. Luckily, I do, so I guess I'm going to heaven.

379. I feel now would be a good time to contact Homegirl.

380. Can we leave? I want to see Ben Affleck

381. at the wax museum.

382. You know what? Screw Homegirl.

383. It's time to contact your dead grandmother.

384. Guys, again, sorry to interrupt,

385. but I'm pretty sure I have something way more important

386. than whatever Adam's convinced you he's doing.

387. Oh, is it cartoons?

388. Oh, thank God. All I need is a good cartoon

389. to take my mind off of things.

390. Is it Doug? Is it Hey, Arnold?

391. No, no, Jillian, it's not cartoons, okay?

392. - If it was, it'd be Beetlejuice. - Makes sense.

393. But it's something, uh, a little more meaningful.

394. It's Homegirl's video will.

395. - Here we go. - Hey, y'all. It's me.

396. If you're watching this, I'm a goner.

397. But don't let that get you down.

398. I think those are wise words. Let's liven things up.

399. Do you guys wanna take care of your drinks?

400. Yeah, because the longer you're sad,

401. the longer I'm gonna spend in hell.

402. So don't be so darn butthurt.

403. - Mm. - Amen to that, girl.

404. I'd like to say a special thank you to all

405. you at Telamericorp,

406. but mostly to Anders and Blake.

407. Oh, did you hear that?

408. They are just two gentlemen,

409. and not only are their hearts tender,

410. but I would guess to say that

411. their penises are pretty tender too.

412. - Whoa, did you hear that? - So you might want to put

413. 'em in your mouth and find out.

414. - I'd be having babies with 'em... - Aha!

415. I thought I knew it wasn't really her for a second.

416. Just have sex with Blake and Anders,

417. not Adam, 'cause he's sad and stupid.

418. No! No, be sad.

419. - Be sad and butthurt. - No.

420. - Be butthurt and sad. - Be happy and sex with Blake.

421. He just said to have sex with... no, she...

422. You see what he was doing?

423. He was face-timing. This was a lie.

424. - No, no. - This is a lie.

425. No, no, no, no, Adam, don't do this.

426. I need this! I just wanna screw these two

427. swedes together like Ikea furniture.

428. No, no, you declared war on me when you didn't

429. draft me to be part of your Hollywood double date, okay?

430. So quit trying to make everybody happy,

431. so you can get physical with those sexy foreigners.

432. But you know what?

433. Sadness is the real key to evoke

434. - passion and sexuality. - No, happiness!

435. - It's happiness. - It's sadness!

436. Oh, no, no, no, you don't.

437. Blake! Cut him off!

438. - Everyone... - I'll do it a cappella.

439. Blake, you need to destroy his sound system.

440. Adam! He's strong... Help me, Ders.

441. Dudes! Dudes!

442. You guys!

443. This is... um... Homegirl's son Craig and daughter Marlene.

444. God, I love your mom.

445. Loved, 'cause she's dead.

446. 'Cause, I'm kind of the main office prankster.

447. Second, of course, to Roberta.

448. Who's Roberta?

449. Your... mom. Your mom, Roberta.

450. Our mother's name was Kristy Howard-Clark.

451. What?

452. - Was it? - Kristy Howard-Clark.

453. I've never heard that name before.

454. So you didn't really know this woman at all either?

455. No, but, like, what is knowing, nowadays?

456. Okay, who are they... Who are you?

457. We're leaving.

458. We just wanted to see the goddamn Hollywood sign,

459. and you ruined our last day in America.

460. You're not gonna throw out our years of pen palling

461. back and forth over one crazy day?

462. I wrote you for two years.

463. After middle school, you were writing with my little brother.

464. For ten years I was writing to your little brother?

465. Okay, that... that can't be true. I told him I loved him.

466. - That doesn't make me... - It does.

467. I had you for two years. And the sleeve!

468. Unbelievable, I can't believe mom worked with such idiots.

469. But she made us promise we'd show you this video

470. if she ever prematurely passed away.

471. Hello, everyone.

472. It's me, Kristy. The main office prankster.

473. Thank you for all the wonderful years at Telamericorp.

474. I cherish them,

475. and I cherish you.

476. Jillian, you were always there to listen.

477. I don't think we ever spoke.

478. Montez, thank you for letting me borrow

479. your Wayne's World DVD. Sha-wing!

480. And bill, I had the baby. She's in Phoenix.

481. - Phoenix! - And finally,

482. - Anders, Blake, and Alan... - Alan?

483. The other office pranksters.

484. I wanted to show you a painting I made for your cubicle.

485. I'm so proud of it, and I hope that it brightens your day.

486. - She was a painter? - I don't know.

487. It's right over here.

488. Psych!

489. Can't unsee this!

490. I'm the main office prankster for life, you motherfuckers.

491. This doesn't affect me. I've seen a lot of porno,

492. - this doesn't affect me. - Still got it.

493. - Okay, uh, wow. - Oh.

494. I-I guess the tumor had more effect than we knew, um...

495. The truth is we hadn't seen mom in three years.

496. We had a Thanksgiving where she kept

497. calling my dog the "n" word.

498. Oh, we're just real busy. I teach, so...

499. We understand, you know. Parents.

500. Right? Everybody?

501. Yeah, yeah. Turns out your mom's actually pretty cool.

502. I think we're all pretty butthurt that she's dead.

503. And the fact that she showed the entire office her titties

504. proves that she's the co-main office prankster,

505. tied with me, obviously.

506. - Craig, can we, please? - Yeah, uh, thanks everyone.

507. You're welcome, Greg.

508. All right, everybody get back to work, now, please.

509. Where's Homegirl?

510. Oh, jet set, you're next.

511. Jillian, show me your breasts.

512. And that's real.