Workaholics 2x2

1. - Oh... good morning.

2. Oh!

3. - Oh, my brain is.

4. - Look at this dude.

5. - Oh, Blake, how long have you been up, man?

6. - Blake! Blake!

7. - I'm up. I'm up.

8. I'm up.

9. Good morning.

10. - Ugh...

11. our house smells like sweaty taint.

12. Smells exactly like sweaty taint.

13. - That might be your upper lip, man.

14. - Good one. Burn! You're burnin' me.

15. - Uh-uh. Seriously.

16. Like, do you not remember

17. smearing the poo moustache

18. and calling yourself Adolf Shitler?

19. - I remember that. That was-

20. That was weirdly early in the night, actually.

21. That was-that was fun.

22. - I mean, what time did everything even end?

23. - Who said it ended?

24. Hey, what's up, fellas?

25. Now, I know your bellies ready for some of this Eggs Tyrone.

26. It's off the chain, baby!

27. You ready to fill them stomachs up

28. with some hot cheese and eggs?

29. - What up?

30. - Oh, man, this is cold-blooded.

31. Y'all changed overnight.

32. - That's what we do. We change. Okay.

33. - Oh, hello. Don't slam it, dude.

34. - I'm never drinking again.

35. - We said the same thing last week.

36. - I want to die. - No, you don't.

37. That's just the hangover talking.

38. We should just drink more. It'll make us feel better.

39. - No, I'm not 16. I can't drink like that anymore.

40. - Oh, come on, Blakeypoo.

41. Have a beer for Mama. Have a beer for-

42. - No, get that away. I'll puke if I smell it.

43. - Guys, I have a headache, so quiet.

44. - Whoa-ho-ho! Blon-ders in the building!

45. Oh.

46. - What-ders?

47. - Take a peeksy.

48. - Oh, my- Aah!

49. Oh, my God, is that real?

50. Did you do this to me? - No.

51. Oh, now I remember.

52. Remember last night,

53. he kept talking about Jared Leto from Fight Club?

54. - Oh, yeah!

55. - And here we are.

56. - My God, I was. Okay.

57. All right, all right. That's it. That's it.

58. I've put my career in jeopardy for the last time.

59. We've got to stop drinking.

60. - What? - Yeah.

61. You know what? You're right.

62. Let's do it. Let's-let's do it.

63. Let's make sure we don't have one of those weird problems.

64. - Yeah. - Quit drinking?

65. Wha- I-I-I don't-

66. I can't even- I'm-

67. - I'm sorry.

68. If you probably couldn't handle it, then we'll do it.

69. That's fine.

70. - No, I could han- I can quit.

71. I'm not drinking right now.

72. Fully in control of my addiction, so...

73. - Cool. How long are we thinking?

74. Maybe, like...

75. - A month? - Like, two days.

76. - Two days?

77. - If I wasn't so drunk right now, I'd smack you.

78. - A week. - A week.

79. - Totally sober for a week. What do you guys say?

80. - This is me saying yes.

81. - All right. Deal? - Deal.

82. - Yeah. - Okay.

83. Let's do it, then.

84. Let's make a pinkie promise, make this official.

85. - All right. - Do we have to?

86. - Come on, now. Get in here, you two.

87. - Get up in the mix.

88. - I actually like it.

89. Mmmmmmwah!

90. - I don't think this is gonna be that hard, right?

91. We just do what we do... whenever we do what we do

92. but without drinking.

93. - Think about it.

94. That's someone's child,

95. a father's daughter.

96. - Judging from the C-section scar,

97. I'd say she's a mother herself.

98. Sweetie, have you had lunch today?

99. - $9 for a ginger ale?

100. Haven't they heard of night construction?

101. Like, they're being so rude out there.

102. - No, sir, I'm not a country music fan either.

103. Just personally...

104. - This is Reba, and these are her hits.

105. - Hello.

106. Can you stop? I just lost a sale.

107. What are you even doing?

108. - I'm making an app

109. that translates farts into English.

110. - That's great. So what's your business model?

111. Are you gonna program it?

112. Do you even have a target demo that you're thinking of?

113. - Well, I don't think that Fartsi needs one of those

114. once the blog buzzes gets to it.

115. Canoe, or small boat.

116. - I'm friends with a nine-year-old boy.

117. This is great.

118. - And I'm, like, great friends, apparently,

119. with Ric Flair, so that's cool too.

120. Whoo!

121. - Guys, I know that we're all struggling

122. with our sobriety right now.

123. I really feel we should go cold turkey.

124. - I don't think that's what they mean by that.

125. - No. - No, what do you mean?

126. That's exactly what it means.

127. Dr. Drew said the best way to quit drinking

128. is by going cold turkey.

129. And he's a doctor, so why would you question... doctors?

130. - So true. - What's up with your headset?

131. - What's up, uh, with your old face, Anders?

132. - No... - Or should I say "Blon-ders"?

133. That's funny. Why don't you go back in your area?

134. - I just saw you lick your microphone.

135. - No, you didn't. - What is that?

136. - This is my office space! - Is that-

137. - You're intruding my office space right now.

138. - Oh, my God, that's booze! - Get out of here!

139. - No, that's booze. - Stop it!

140. - Oh, lookee here.

141. Mr. Cold Turkey put a mini booze bottle in his headset?

142. - I really like your ingenuity, but...

143. destroy ze prototype.

144. - Gladly. - No, that's my-

145. You know how many minutes of tinkering that took me?

146. It took me, like, seven minutes to make.

147. - We took an oath, all right?

148. - Yeah. You're not special.

149. - I am special.

150. That's why I took all those special classes

151. in high school.

152. Why do you think you can boss me around, huh...

153. Slim Shady?

154. - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - I'm a big boy, Slim Shady.

155. - I'm not Slim Shady. - That's a trigger word.

156. That's a trigger.

157. - I'm Marshall Mathers or something even cooler.

158. - You know what? I don't give a shoot.

159. I'm gonna go back to work, eat my cold turkey,

160. and beat this addiction like the boss that I am.

161. Psych!

162. Oh! What?

163. There's a boss move!

164. - That's it! - Hey, hey!

165. - I'm the boss! - Okay, look.

166. All right, I know this is really tough for us-

167. like, bizarrely tough for us-

168. but I know something that can cool us out.

169. Check it out. I got some Dank William Juniors.

170. Got it from Karl.

171. Two nugs for my two best buds. Let's-

172. - Sober means sober, okay?

173. No weed, no booze, no nothing.

174. - Yeah, if I can't drink, you can't smoke weed.

175. - Right. - What?

176. - Unless we want to smoke weed.

177. We should smoke weed, I feel.

178. - No! - Let's smoke some weed.

179. - I'm so sorry, but we're not doing this!

180. We took an oath! Just go back to work.

181. - You destroy something of mine,

182. I destroy something of yours.

183. - Oh-ho! Guess what. I also destroy your stuff.

184. - Yep. That's right. - I'm gonna destroy-

185. Oh, that's my stuff. - I'm gonna take this.

186. And I'm gonna just...

187. get rid of your stuff, you stupid dummy!

188. - Hi.

189. - Before you can say anything, you should know

190. that we're in the process of going sober right now,

191. so that's why we're, "Aah."

192. - I didn't realize that.

193. How long has it been since your last drink?

194. - Um, it's going on, like, 20 hours.

195. - Good job. - Well, I can, um...

196. I can understand what you guys are going through.

197. I'm actually two years sober myself.

198. - Whoa. - Whoa! Ugh! Wow.

199. Wow, sounds like you had a real problem.

200. - We're not trying to go sober sober.

201. We're just trying to-

202. - We're just kind of pumping the brakes,

203. you know, doing the Hollywood cleanse.

204. - Yeah. Yeah, we are.

205. - We drank, like, a weird amount,

206. but, like, it'd be weirder to stop.

207. - Yeah, that would be weird.

208. - Straight-edge people are weird.

209. - Okay, here's the deal.

210. You're gonna clock out,

211. and you're gonna go see Eric in HR.

212. Then you're gonna take a substance-abuse course

213. before you can start working again.

214. - I don't know if we necessarily need

215. to take a substance-abuse course-

216. - Or I can fire you.

217. - Wow, we just dodged a bullet.

218. - She definitely could have axed the Brothers McMuffins.

219. That's us. - Oh, cool.

220. - We don't have a substance-abuse problem.

221. If anything, we have a Subway abuse problem.

222. We destroy $5 foot-longs. - Yeah, we do.

223. - I don't know, man.

224. Maybe we do have a substance-abuse problem.

225. - Yeah, well, I don't know. Maybe we do.

226. Maybe we don't. I don't know.

227. You know? I'm not the king of substance abuse.

228. All I do know is, I got to go pinch out a growler,

229. and it's a furious beast.

230. So I'm gonna go do that... - Okay.

231. - And I'll see you guys at the headshrinker's office.

232. - Dude, hurry up. We're supposed to be there now.

233. - Yeah, I'm gonna go hurry up my bowel movement

234. so I'm not two minutes late for some fake-ass class.

235. Yeah!

236. Yeah, Blon-ders, that's a good idea.

237. That's a good- That's a good idea.

238. - Dude, Adam better hurry up.

239. It's like, the guy never listens to me.

240. - ChapStick.

241. - Okay, I'm going to sock you in the mouth

242. if you don't cut it out with that crap!

243. - It's not crap. It's farts. - Whoa! TMI.

244. That stands for too much information.

245. - Oh, we weren't even-that's- - Oh, I don't care.

246. Come on, have a seat. Not this one.

247. - Okay.

248. - A little BG on me: I do HR-

249. means human resources- here at TAC.

250. My name is Eric Rossdale.

251. Some people call me "Cool Eric."

252. They called me that once. Some young people too.

253. Some young-some- One young person did that.

254. I love people.

255. To say that another way,

256. I love people!

257. That one's got a little more fun to it, doesn't it?

258. Okay, we are here today...

259. - Uh... - Why are you pointing at him?

260. - Help out with substance abuse-

261. Well, I'm just trying to bring everybody into it.

262. Help out with substance abuse.

263. Okay? And how do I do that?

264. Well, one way is to work through this workbook,

265. start to finish.

266. We do every single drill in this thing.

267. I sign a piece of paper saying you've cleaned up your act,

268. but more importantly, we have dug out

269. the roots of your addiction.

270. And you're looking at me like, "What happened to that guy

271. we called cool two seconds ago?"

272. He's right here. How 'bout this instead?

273. How 'bout we fire up some Step Brothers on the Blu-ray,

274. We chill out a little bit-

275. How does that sound to you?

276. - Yeah, that sounds... awesome. - Yeah.

277. - Okay, great.

278. Before we start, let me do some attendance, if that's okay.

279. Uh, Black Anderson.

280. - Uh, I-I think that's me.

281. - Oh, terrific.

282. Oh, 'cause of the curly hair, like a black man.

283. That's fun.

284. Anders Holmvik.

285. - Yeah, right here. - Yeah, Norwegian.

286. - Yeah. - Yeah. Hvordan går det?

287. - Oh, is that- No, I don't speak...

288. - Hvordan går det? - Much of the language.

289. - Oh. Oh, you should.

290. Oh, no, it's a beautiful country.

291. And Adam Demamp.

292. - Actually, Adam's running a little-

293. - Uh, I am Adam.

294. - Well, I hope you like sandwiches, Adam,

295. 'cause I got a backpack full of 'em.

296. Well, they're kind of hot 'cause they were in my backpack.

297. This is a tuna. That's made out of tuna.

298. This is a slightly hotter tuna.

299. - What is that? Oh.

300. - And I've got a hot, hot tuna coming through.

301. Okay. And I'll turn off the lights.

302. - Dude, where's Adam?

303. - I don't know, but he's gonna be pissed.

304. He loves this movie.

305. - Oh, oh, oh, oh.

306. Oh, oh!

307. Oh!

308. - Goooooal!

309. Pendejos.

310. - Adam gets it.

311. - Whoo-hoo-hoo!

312. Thank you, thank you.

313. You guys deserve some of the credit.

314. I deserve a little bit more, but thank you very much.

315. - Hey, nice shot, buddy. Have a beer.

316. Hello. No. I'm good.

317. I'm in a sober pact with my buddies.

318. It's pretty dumb. I hate it. But I can't.

319. However you say no in Spanish,

320. that is what I'm saying to you, my Mexican friend.

321. - What, you one of them straight-edge weirdos?

322. - No.

323. Maybe just a little sip, right?

324. Maybe.

325. - Go!

326. - Well, we all have- Whoa. Everything-

327. What's happening? Should I pause it?

328. Ooh, must have been the bad tuna.

329. - I am Adam.

330. - You hold it right there, bud.

331. - Well, well, look who's too good for his friends.

332. Buddy, if you want to ditch on the class,

333. I get that, but we took an oath!

334. - Yeah, we did our secret pinkie promise.

335. You had your finger in my mouth.

336. - No, I know that. Slow your mouth down, okay?

337. I didn't break any oath.

338. So don't even go there, okay?

339. - No, you're the one who's going there.

340. We're here. You're there.

341. - No, I'm here. You're there.

342. You've been up there the whole time.

343. You don't know what's going on out here.

344. I didn't drink anything. - Well, we're here now!

345. - Oh, you didn't drink anything? - No! He handed-

346. He passed me the beer. I didn't drink-

347. - What about that little thing you had on your head, huh?

348. I feel like I'm at the doors of the labyrinth

349. and everything he's saying is a lie.

350. - Yeah. - Is that how we're gonna do?

351. Guess what. I'm gonna do this right now.

352. - No, you put it down. Adam, give me that beer.

353. - I'm just gonna shoot him with this nail gun.

354. Is there a safety on this? - Hey, put it down.

355. - I'm not gonna kill him, just in the knee.

356. - Oh, and it's gonna be so good too.

357. This is such a dumb plan!

358. - Get down right now!

359. - Hey, you put that beer down. - I'm drinking it now.

360. - Drop the beer, man! - Don't-

361. - We're doing this for you, you moron!

362. I'm doing this for your-

363. - Oh, we got it. - I'm trying to help you.

364. - You see, Adam, the thing about this stuff is...

365. it's poison.

366. It really is.

367. - No. What are you doing?

368. God, don't you guys have any restraint?

369. You should see yourselves. It's pathetic.

370. Okay? We're done with this beer. Let's go back to work.

371. - Drop that.

372. - Agh!

373. - Oh, great.

374. You guys want it, you got it.

375. - Oh, funky butt-lovin'!

376. - Did he just say, "Funky butt-lovin'"?

377. - Yeah.

378. - I've gotta be honest with you guys.

379. I'm a little confused right now, okay?

380. 'Cause one minute, we're having fun,

381. and the next minute I got a cerveza in the face.

382. Do you not like Step Brothers?

383. - No, it's great. Funny movie. - It's awesome.

384. - You guys and Diego got to watch Step Brothers?

385. - Yeah. But guess what. It's off.

386. And you can forget about the deleted scenes too,

387. because we're going back to the workbook.

388. - Oh. - Come on, don't be bogus.

389. - And you don't clock back in to work

390. until you've gone through every exercise.

391. And that means you're not gonna get paid

392. until you do this right.

393. Okay, so exercise one.

394. Oh, art therapy. This'll be fun.

395. All right, I want you to draw a picture of your addiction.

396. Okay, so what does addiction look like to you?

397. - Addiction. Get it?

398. A dick shin.

399. Next-level Far Side stuff, dude.

400. - Keep it up, funny guys.

401. But I'm not going anywhere!

402. Next exercise is to write a letter to yourself

403. five years from today.

404. - And once all 25 of the Demamp spawn

405. have grown up and graduated from sculpture school...

406. - Not a real thing. - It is.

407. We'll pick the best one to make a statue of our body,

408. and then Nike will probably buy it...

409. - Probably not.

410. - And make all their mannequins exact replicas of it,

411. because our body is the perfect human form-

412. - You're fat.

413. - Yeah, you guys are as funny as the step brothers, aren't you?

414. Except guess what.

415. The step brothers don't have a drinking problem.

416. Okay, so next exercise, number 11,

417. finish my sentences.

418. This one is pretty... - Self-explanatory.

419. - Yes, but I haven't actually-

420. - You haven't actually had sex with an animal? Okay.

421. - Yeah, but we got to stick-

422. - Our butt cheeks together and clap our hands?

423. - All right, you know what? I don't want to-

424. - Do this exercise?

425. - Yeah, neither do I. Let's not do it.

426. - Okay. You're welcome.

427. - And the last one is sock puppets.

428. I know. I know it sounds ridiculous.

429. But you're not getting paid until you do it.

430. Plus, it says it's a lot of fun.

431. On the other hand, it is a sock puppet saying that.

432. I don't know if you can really take his word for it.

433. Okay, those are... great, actually.

434. So let's use 'em. - This is so dumb.

435. I'm not gonna do this.

436. - Dude, it's not about you. Okay? Sock up.

437. - Use the puppet.

438. - Fine. This is dumb.

439. Almost as dumb as not drinking for an entire week.

440. - Everything you don't want to do is dumb.

441. - And Fartsi's a genius idea!

442. - Yeah. For once, Adam's right, Blake.

443. It's time you grew up and put your time towards

444. something that's worth something to somebody

445. anywhere on this planet.

446. - Get him!

447. - Don't tell me what to do.

448. You're not the boss of me, you fake-ass grown-up.

449. - Ooh!

450. - Oh, I'm sorry, maybe if you weren't so immature,

451. I wouldn't have to hold your hand

452. and wipe your ass for you.

453. - Okay, that was one time.

454. And I told you, I've never been camping before.

455. - Hey, guys, why don't we talk about me now?

456. - Oh, of course. Who could forget you?

457. I love how it takes us to quit drinking

458. to remember how selfish

459. Adam "The Main Attraction" Demamp really is.

460. - Oh, I like how you're using that nickname

461. to hurt my feelings, but guess what, Anders.

462. - Yeah? - I love it.

463. And I'm gonna use it all the time now.

464. - Do you ever stop talking?

465. - Yeah, Blake, I'll agree.

466. But at least he knows

467. how to write a rent check on time, like an adult.

468. - Mm-hmm. - Oh. You want me to grow up?

469. Yeah, I'm immature. I'm real immature.

470. But I'm immature because I know, when I grow up,

471. it means I'm gonna be that much closer

472. to moving away from you guys

473. and marrying girls and stuff.

474. - Come on, man, don't say that.

475. - No.

476. He's right.

477. I'm sorry too.

478. I know I can be self-centered sometimes, but...

479. I never heard "no" growing up.

480. Now that I've logged 10,000 hours of being a brat,

481. I'm just a total self-serving outlier,

482. and that's not how Adam "The Main Attraction" Demamp

483. wants to live!

484. - Oh, man. Adam, look.

485. It's hard to say no to that face.

486. It's a cute one. - It is.

487. - Thank you.

488. - I know I can be controlling sometimes,

489. but it's just because I care about you,

490. and I want the best for you.

491. But sometimes I don't know what's best.

492. And that- that scares me.

493. - Life... is... scary.

494. - I know that I can tell you guys this

495. and you won't judge me.

496. I... like... you guys!

497. - I like you too, man!

498. I like you. Let's stop fighting.

499. - Let's stop fighting. I like you guys!

500. I like you guys!

501. - Wow. That was intense.

502. This book works.

503. I mean, you guys made actual progress today.

504. And it was because of...

505. - Us. - Me!

506. I got to- Congratulations. You pass.

507. - Really? - Cool. Thank you so much.

508. - Thanks, Cool Eric.

509. - Yeah, just leave your puppets at the door,

510. and here's your release form.

511. - You are cool. - Thanks.

512. Um, actually, is it cool if I keep mine?

513. - Yeah, me too. - Yeah.

514. - I keep all puppets.

515. - That was, uh... weird.

516. - Yeah.

517. Being sober makes you really see things

518. the way they really are.

519. - So... what now?

520. - Whoo! - Whoa!

521. Drinks for my buddies!

522. - All right. - Send 'em down.

523. - Sendin' 'em down.

524. That means "thank you"!

525. I'm making an app that translates farts.

526. - Oh, baby, that sounds amazing.

527. Now, give big mama some money.

528. - All right, now, you got to do it right, okay?

529. Let's graze the skin.

530. Then put it under the strap.

531. See the goose bumps?

532. - Oh, she's feeling you, dude.

533. I don't even mind the pregnancy scars.

534. - Hell, I like 'em. - Those are cool!

535. - These chicks get it! - Yeah!

536. - Let's hear it for Eunice.

537. And coming to the stage now,

538. the seductive Karen.

539. Get at it, boys.

540. - That guy is awesome! - Yeah.

541. - Take my money. - What's he doing?

542. - Oh, dude! Aah! You are awesome!

543. You should come to our house and party,

544. and bring Eunice and all these awesome chicks.

545. - Heil, Shitler!

546. - Cool, cool. Definitely.

547. - Shitler party, Shitler party, yeah.

548. - Wow, I don't know what that means!

549. - Nice.

550. Retail subrip by jeem.