Workaholics 1x8

1. - Yo.

2. - Nice.

3. - Let's just get vaped out right now.

4. I'm looking to get weird.

5. Whoa, hey, cool guy.

6. Fedora brother. 7-Eleven hat rack.

7. They've got deals.

8. People forget that they have more than just,

9. you know, old hot dogs.

10. - No. No, no, no.

11. Adam, come on, man. One fedora per crew.

12. - No, I'm pretty sure the more fedoras, the better.

13. 'Cause I look like I'm in a ska band right now,

14. like I'm in Reel Big Fish.

15. - I beg to differ.

16. We're not a house full of Cubans, man.

17. We're white dudes.

18. We got to be careful,

19. 'cause we can be very unfashionable very quickly.

20. - Mrs. Lawler, it's almost after dark.

21. If you dress like that, you're asking for it.

22. Hey, why don't you losers try an organized sport for once?

23. Hey, slow down!

24. This is not the speedway.

25. This neighborhood is on lockdown.

26. Hoo.

27. Honestly.

28. Yeah, hello.

29. Hi, yeah, I want to report a robbery in progress right now.

30. Who am I?

31. I'm the goddamn Neighborhood Watch.

32. Oh, sorry. For legal reasons?

33. Um, it's Anders Holmvik.

34. It's okay, girls.

35. Sheriff Holmvik laid down the law in a major way.

36. Now, why don't we say bye-bye to-

37. - Hey, what did I do to you, Ders?

38. You know, we're more alike than you even know, man.

39. This is not gnar. Not gnar!

40. - Blake's friend and my weed dealer, Karl.

41. - Great, Ders.

42. This is the second time in my life

43. that I just really don't like you.

44. - Now where am I supposed to buy my weed from, huh?

45. 'Cause I'm not gonna get my ass kicked

46. by that high school kid again.

47. - Ugh, how many times do I have to explain this to you?

48. If you see the neighbor's house getting broken into,

49. it's probably just Karl high out of his mind,

50. thinking he's locked out of our house.

51. - I said I'm sorry.

52. - Okay, well, you're not sorry,

53. because you're popping a straight-up bone cone

54. over that damn newspaper.

55. - "The suspect was apprehended after the RCPD

56. was tipped off by eyewitness Anders Holmvik."

57. "Tipped off." "Eyewitness."

58. I'm basically Darkwing Duck.

59. - No, you're basically an idiot,

60. because we blazed the last of our-

61. We blazed the last of our weed,

62. and you know I can't eat unless I've smoked.

63. - Adam Bear needs to eat.

64. - You know that.

65. - I'm gaunt right now.

66. - I think you suckers are just jealous

67. that I'm in the newspaper and- you have a picture

68. of a dude's dick on your computer, man.

69. - Whoa, yeah, you do.

70. You are perverted.

71. - Okay, this is not what it looks like, okay?

72. - Okay. - No, I'm serious.

73. I'm part of the Rancho Cucamonga

74. Justin Bieber Fan Club.

75. - That, I get. The guy's infectious.

76. - Yeah, he has, like, crazy pipes.

77. - Yeah, but this guy, bieberhole69,

78. keeps sending me pictures of his dong because he-

79. well, he thinks I'm a little boy.

80. - Why does he think that?

81. - Well, I tell them that I'm 11

82. so that people don't think I'm, like, old and weird.

83. - That's weird, though. - Well.

84. - That's a good idea. - Hey, guys.

85. - Jillian, hey.

86. Did, uh, bieberhole69 send you one of...

87. - Oh, my God, that guy sends me the most suggestive photos.

88. - What is he suggesting?

89. - Like, little ding-dong competitions.

90. - Ugh. - I know.

91. I'm like, "I'm not in. I don't have one."

92. I say that I'm 11

93. so that people don't think I'm old and weird.

94. - We just talked about that.

95. - I just don't want children to have to be

96. dodging full-grown male penises.

97. - That makes sense to me.

98. - Well, they should be basking in the glory

99. that is J to the Bieber.

100. - Yeah. - And he's got moves.

101. He moves like water, like a water bed.

102. - He does.

103. He's got the best bangs in music since '80s Metallica.

104. - Great bangs. - Oh, my God.

105. He just does this. Fft.

106. He just does swish. - He's a good kid.

107. - The kid is a hell of a talent.

108. - And that is why we're bringing down bieberhole69.

109. - Yes, I am so down.

110. - Yes. - Team Bieber.

111. - Wait. We have to bust this dude?

112. - Yes, Ders. I mean, come on.

113. Imagine this little headline:

114. "Dude Fucking Throws Pervert In Prison Forever."

115. Little picture of you right there.

116. - Okay, that's kind of cool. I'm down with that.

117. Adam, what do you say?

118. - Yeah, count me in.

119. I'm just gonna rip this guy's heart out, right?

120. And just take the heart and suck on a cockle.

121. That came out weird, but I'm gonna do that.

122. I'm sweating right now.

123. Why am I sweating so badly'? - We got to get you some weed.

124. Seriously, you got to just chill out.

125. - Let's bust this butthole surfer.

126. Okay, so I'm just gonna reply to bieberhole69's post, okay?

127. - Oh, dude, you should say, "Hey, I'm ten years old,

128. "but I'm built like an eight-year-old,

129. so come and get it."

130. - No, don't write that.

131. - And then capitalize "come get it."

132. - Don't write that. Listen. - Capitalize it.

133. - These guys need to be romanced, okay?

134. They're extremely lonely people.

135. You got to make them feel special, desired.

136. - They want naughty little boys, dude.

137. So we have to be naughty little boys, okay?

138. If they want peach fuzz, we have to-

139. - No, Adam. They need to be loved, okay?

140. They're trying to regain a lost childhood.

141. - Okay, no, they're looking for peach fuzz-

142. - I got him.

143. He's coming over tomorrow.

144. - What did you say?

145. - I said, um, "I'm ten. Come over tomorrow."

146. Ooh, yeah. Come on, princess.

147. Give it to me. Whoo!

148. We are gonna pulverize this guy.

149. - Shh. Stop. He's here.

150. Come on. Here's the plan.

151. We get him inside, we whup his ass,

152. call the cops, take a picture for the paper,

153. and become heroes to Bieberites everywhere.

154. - He's probably gonna write a song about you, dude.

155. - Oh, man, if he hasn't already.

156. - Hey.

157. - Who are you looking for?

158. - Yo, you know what?

159. I think maybe I have the wrong address, actually.

160. Sorry, bro.

161. Hey, um...

162. is that the Vapetron right there,

163. with, uh, aluminum chassis and combustion chamber?

164. - Yeah. It is.

165. Why'? Do you smoke?

166. - Yeah.

167. But never with the 'Tron.

168. Us either, actually.

169. We... don't have weed right now.

170. It's a real issue in my life.

171. - Well, throw out a flag and push me back ten yards...

172. - What?

173. You just said the magic words.

174. You got beer, video games.

175. What's that thing on your back?

176. - That? Oh, that's just a real gun.

177. Psych. That's a potato gun.

178. - Potato gun? Guys!

179. Meet my new buddy here...

180. who we should not punch.

181. - What up? I'm Topher.

182. Oh!

183. - Oh, man.

184. - Oh, man, Toph. This weed is the realness.

185. - Yeah, that's actually the stuff that, uh,

186. kept me off the team in '04, if you can believe that much.

187. - I can't believe we were at Olympic trials the same time.

188. That's nuts.

189. - Oh, I can believe it,

190. 'cause you were there selling goggles-

191. - So we were there together. - Yes, technically.

192. - Hey, uh, could we get a picture together?

193. - Yeah, if you don't mind if I take a piss

194. off your roof first.

195. - I would mind if you didn't take a piss off our roof.

196. - Oh, man.

197. Oh, yo, I had some tight-ass plans for today,

198. but I knock on the wrong door, and I meet you fellas.

199. Dude, that's balling.

200. - Topher is the man,

201. and he's pissing off our roof right now.

202. That is balling.

203. - He's the baller I was supposed to be.

204. - That's how cool he is.

205. He's not afraid to piss off of a stranger's roof.

206. That's balling.

207. - Yeah, he balls. - He balls, big-time.

208. - Yeah, for sure. - Okay, yes.

209. It's safe to say that he's the ballingest guy

210. we've ever met.

211. But let's not forget why he came here-

212. to butt-ram a boy.

213. So let's focus, please.

214. - It sounds so gross when you say it that way.

215. - Yeah, I forgot he was here to do that.

216. - Gross. - Hey, you guys.

217. What do you say we take this party downtown

218. and go to Club Damnation, huh?

219. - I'm afraid we got some bad news, Topher.

220. - I'm in. Ders?

221. - I just got to get my deep V-neck.

222. - Except you guys got to take off those hats.

223. - There's, like, 50 Beyoncé Knowles in here,

224. and I'm seeing some booty sweat.

225. - Everyone here is a brand whore.

226. And I like it. It's great.

227. Smells like laser tag. - Mm-hmm.

228. - Yeah, it does. That's that smell.

229. - In a good way, though. - Yeah.

230. - Hey, yo, what up, guys?

231. Let me introduce you to my friends.

232. This is Jess, Bree, and over here, we got Shanna.

233. - Hey.

234. - Hi. - Hi.

235. - So where are you girls living at nowadays?

236. - We live at the Penthouse penthouse.

237. - Oh, you do do?

238. - I do do what?

239. - Uh, you said, "Penthouse penthouse,"

240. so I repeated, "do do," 'cause-

241. - Hey, bro, chill out.

242. They live in the Penthouse penthouse.

243. That's just like the Playboy mansion,

244. only this time, it's much more doper.

245. All these pretty chicks running around,

246. penetration and pissing on the floor,

247. if that's what you're into.

248. - Ah!

249. - Oh, and we met Topher at one of the Penthouse parties.

250. - Oh, my God.

251. - You gonna bring them next Saturday?

252. - Maybe if they want to come.

253. - Yeah! - For sure.

254. - I mean, we'll see. - We'll see, yeah.

255. We'll probably be a little busy.

256. Oh, yeah, we might have something

257. we're getting into, checkin' out the-

258. What are you doing?

259. Are you beating my high score on Brick Breaker?

260. Don't you dare. What?

261. Hello. Okay, that's a number.

262. It's, uh-it's official. All right.

263. Ah!

264. - Hey, why don't you guys meet me back at the VIP booth

265. in, like, five minutos?

266. That's Spanish for "minutes."

267. - You're so hot. - Oh, ho, ho, ho!

268. - Ch!

269. Whoa, my God.

270. She just totally touched both my nipples

271. with one hand at the same time.

272. - I like her mouth. - Chill out.

273. It's on, because I told them that you guys were coke dealers.

274. And all three of them have really bad coke problems.

275. - Appreciate it, Toph, but got to check one thing for-

276. Holy moly.

277. She actually gave me her real number.

278. There's a second time for everything.

279. This is real. This is happening.

280. This is my life! This is my life!

281. - Hey, Topher.

282. So how do you know the bouncer?

283. - Oh, Vince?

284. We went to middle schools together.

285. - Wait, uh, schools?

286. - School. Middle school.

287. - Yeah, I- You said "schools."

288. - No, I didn't. School. One school.

289. - Look, Topher, we know what the deal is.

290. Um, or should I call you bieberhole69?

291. - Hey, ladies, you know what?

292. Can you give us a second, please?

293. - Wait. - No.

294. - No, you know what? They need to leave.

295. Can you please excuse us for a second?

296. Thank you very much.

297. - I don't get you, dude.

298. You're, like, handsome as hell.

299. - Thank you.

300. - And you have just swagger for days.

301. You could get those chicks if you wanted.

302. - Okay, thank you. - You're a swagger hound.

303. You take everyone else's swagger.

304. You hound it.

305. - You're a swagger hound. I don't get it.

306. You know? It's, like, wasted talent.

307. It's like if Picasso quit making music

308. and just started fucking little dudes every day.

309. - I'm understanding where you're coming from.

310. You guys are not understanding where I'm coming from, okay?

311. Because it's like,

312. do we really need to talk about this right now?

313. - All we're saying

314. is that you were coming over to our house

315. to bang a little dude.

316. - Yes.

317. I was gonna have sex with a little dude, yes.

318. - Okay, shh. Let's bring it down.

319. Music's loud, not that loud.

320. What if you just had sex with men

321. that were of legal age?

322. - That's a great idea. - I'm not gay, dude.

323. You're offending me.

324. - Gay? You're not gay? But you-

325. I don't know, then. I don't know, then.

326. - Okay, well, you know what I know?

327. Maybe actually you guys aren't ready

328. for the Penthouse penthouse.

329. Maybe that's what's up.

330. Maybe you guys- - No, no, no.

331. - You guys aren't dressed up to standards

332. because of your dorky Canadian outfits.

333. - What? - Maybe that.

334. Maybe I should call- Hey, Vince. Come here.

335. - No! - We're cool, Vince.

336. - Yeah, hey, are we cool?

337. - Yeah, we're good, man. - Oh, oh, we're cool, Blake?

338. - We're fine. - Hey, you know what, Vince?

339. We're good. - Let's chill out.

340. Let's get some more drinks. You got those coupons, right?

341. - Yes, that is what I'm saying.

342. - And let's just make tonight a tight butthole, dude.

343. - Tight butthole. - Tight butthole.

344. - Yeah. Well, you probably shouldn't say it.

345. - No, I know. I was saying-

346. But I'm just saying, your guys' way.

347. - Okay.

348. Mm.

349. - Thank you, you guys.

350. To know that those Beliebers

351. don't have to be bothered by that creep anymore,

352. it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

353. - Yeah, I almost killed that guy.

354. It was pretty dangerous.

355. I stabbed him, like, 35 times in the face

356. and body and neck area.

357. And then they just took him to prison.

358. He was bleeding everywhere in the cop car.

359. It was super sad. - Impressive.

360. - The streets are safe now, Jillian.

361. - Yeah. - Everything's gonna be fine.

362. You know what? We had a good time doing it.

363. - Yeah, it was great. It was a great time.

364. - Well, I'll let my little crime fighters

365. get back to the old Superman cave.

366. But, uh, out of curiosity,

367. what did this creep look like?

368. - You know what? Not creepy at all.

369. Very normal. - Real hunk, actually.

370. He had a dimple. Uh, he was, uh...

371. had long blond dreadlocks.

372. He had, like, a hook for a hand-

373. - Hey. I got lunches for you guys.

374. So, um-

375. Hey, who's that chick right there?

376. - Um, Jillian. Jillian, uh, Topher.

377. Topher, Jillian.

378. - Hey, what up? I'm Topher. I'm friends with the guys now.

379. - So, uh, how do you guys know each other?

380. - Oh, we know each other- - No, we'll tell the story.

381. - 'Cause it's funny. - It's a good story.

382. We'll tell it. We'll tell it.

383. - We met- a little trick of fate-at...

384. - Softball rehearsal. - Rehearsal.

385. - Softball rehearsal. - Yeah.

386. - You guys never told me that you were in a play together.

387. - Yeah. - We're telling you now.

388. - Yeah, it was a huge- it was a success.

389. It was called Soft . . . Pitch.

390. It was kind of like A League Of Their Own, but-

391. - But with dudes. - Yeah.

392. - We're the dudes. - Yeah, we're the dudes in it.

393. Very similar. - Oh, okay.

394. - I'm Geena Davis. - Wow.

395. Did I ever tell you guys about my brief stint

396. as a flying monkey in Wicked

397. at the Toledo Repertory Theater Company?

398. - No, you didn't tell us that. - No?

399. Okay, well, I'll tell you in great detail.

400. They called me "harness bitch" the entire time,

401. which was cool and weird,

402. so I was a little bit 50/50 on it.

403. Oh, shoot. I got to get that.

404. - Shucks.

405. - Right in the middle of the good parts.

406. - Man. - Oh.

407. - That was funny.

408. - All right, Topher, you know what?

409. You cannot be here, man,

410. because that girl is, like, the main reason

411. we To Catch A Predator-ed you.

412. - Hey, you guys know you have

413. a really Victorian attitude towards sex.

414. What do you think that the '60s was all about, dude?

415. - Civil rights?

416. - Yeah, exactly, civil rights, dude.

417. Man, I'm sick of getting persecuted and judged

418. for being a sexual maven, man.

419. I'm not gonna stand for that anymore, man.

420. - Okay, yeah, all right. Let's try an experiment.

421. You love ten-year-old boys, right?

422. - 10 to 12. - Okay.

423. But what's the closest thing...

424. to a ten-year-old boy?

425. They're legal. They're female.

426. They're flexible as hell.

427. - Right? I mean, it's perfect. They're, like, 90 pounds.

428. - Plus, they don't menstruate.

429. - Yeah, and you're not even the creepiest guy here.

430. Check out this dude.

431. - Topher, if you don't jump on them,

432. I will quickly get busy in that foam pit

433. with all of them.

434. - I guess they're okay, like, from the back.

435. - All right, well, you know what?

436. We're gonna hook you up like you hooked us up, bud.

437. Let's do this. - Let's do this.

438. - No way. - Oh, yeah.

439. - Hello, ladies.

440. - Hey. - Hey.

441. - We are big fans of yours. Nice short program.

442. - Ders. Wow, that was rude. I'm sorry.

443. I don't think you're short at all.

444. And our friend over there

445. actually thinks you're really attractive.

446. - Seriously'? - Mm-hmm.

447. - 'Sup?

448. - Oh, my God. He's hot. - Yeah.

449. He's, uh- he's actually single

450. and looking for an adult relationship

451. with a-another adult.

452. - And if he doesn't choose one of you,

453. I'm also single.

454. So if you guys wanted to hang out,

455. I can touch my toes- pretty flexible.

456. - Okay. Down, boy!

457. Uh, honestly, you should give him a shot, though,

458. 'cause, uh“.

459. Where did he go?

460. The boys' locker room. Really'?

461. - How could you bail on that little Sporty Spice, dude?

462. We had an experiment.

463. - I was conducting my own experiment.

464. Look, check it out.

465. - God damn it, dude.

466. - Come on, man, nothing happened.

467. They were brunette.

468. - Okay, how can you totally pull off a fedora

469. and be such a creep at the same time?

470. - Oh, I'm creepy again. Right?

471. - Yes, you are. You're creepy.

472. - Okay, well, maybe you guys are too good

473. to get creepy over at the Penthouse penthouse.

474. Come on, go get the underwear.

475. - Get 'em.

476. - Go get it. - Damn it!

477. - You got- Okay, go! Go. Go.

478. - Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

479. - Body shot, still died.

480. Head shot.

481. Hey, who wants to take over for me?

482. I got to go check my emails.

483. Where can I do that? - Right here.

484. My, uh, laptop's right there.

485. - Oh, thanks, dude.

486. You guys are awesome.

487. - Guys.

488. We got to end this.

489. - What? Dude, no. Just two more days.

490. - Not until we go to the Penthouse penthouse, all right?

491. You weren't leaning against your girl's breasts like I was

492. at Club Damnation.

493. - The Penthouse penthouse is a symbol

494. that we've made it, that we've arrived.

495. We're this close to being cool.

496. - We're this close to seeing pierced vaginae, Blake.

497. And that's it for me. I'll retire after that happens.

498. - Yeah.

499. - What don't you see about that?

500. You don't get it.

501. - Oh. It's Jillian.

502. - Well, then answer the phone. - Answer it.

503. - Think about someone else for once.

504. - Pierced vaginae.

505. - Hello. - Hey, Blake, it's Jillian.

506. - Oh, hey, Jillian. What's up, girl?

507. - Oh, nothing.

508. Hey, I was just calling to double-check

509. about that bieberhole guy.

510. He's in jail, right?

511. - Oh, great, now she's asking about Topher.

512. - So just tell her about Topher. - Lie to her.

513. - Why don't you lie to her?

514. - Why don't you be a better friend and lie to her?

515. - Um, yeah, he's in jail.

516. He's probably nestling up to his cell mate right now.

517. - Hmm. Interesting.

518. Uh, but you know what confuses me?

519. I just logged in to the chat room,

520. and a bieberhole69 asked me to,

521. "pull out my little-boy ding-dong."

522. What's even weirder is that he has his webcam on,

523. and he looks just like your friend from the other day.

524. Even weirder, you guys are standing right behind him.

525. How do you explain that, party boys?

526. - Uh, seriously, Jillian,

527. it's, uh- it's not our fault.

528. It's-it's really a funny story, actually.

529. - Look, I already called the police.

530. They're on their way.

531. Don't let him go.

532. Blake,

533. you've got to ask yourself, are you a true Belieber?

534. I belieb you are.

535. - Hi, guys.

536. Um, I'm actually gonna go do a bunch of errands

537. right now, so...

538. - You know we have to stop you.

539. - Yeah. Yeah. It's cool.

540. Let me just get my fedora

541. and throw all the Vapetron up in the air.

542. - Go. Go, man.

543. - What are you doing?

544. Are you gonna help, or are you just gonna-

545. - If I don't put away our drug stuff,

546. we're gonna go to prison along with Topher.

547. - All right, good call. Double true.

548. Here comes the Neighborhood Watch,

549. motherfucker.

550. - Oh, yeah, baby!

551. Topher

552. this spud's for you.

553. ' Ch!

554. - Ah!

555. Adam, you idiot, you dumb idiot.

556. - My bad.

557. Wait. Stay down.

558. - What? - Stay down!

559. I'm gonna jump you. - No! No!

560. - Oh, no!

561. - Ow.

562. - Oh.

563. - I trusted you. - I'm so sorry.

564. - Sorry, guys. Bros before hos.

565. But, you know, little bros before big bros.

566. - I don't understand. How did you guys catch him?

567. Topher's, like, the fastest guy we've ever met.

568. He's so fast. - He just-

569. - We have cars.

570. - Oh. - Cars, okay, okay.

571. Cool, good idea that we called.

572. - We thought of that, but I just...

573. - You thought you could get away with it?

574. Fuck you!

575. I will fuck your face.

576. That's a promise.

577. Take him away, boys.

578. - Jillian,

579. before you say anything, we're sorry.

580. He was-he was gonna take us to the Penthouse penthouse.

581. - He's the coolest guy we've ever met...

582. besides all that weird little-boy stuff.

583. - Right. - Yeah.

584. We totally get it if you never want to talk

585. to any of us ever again in your whole life.

586. - Hey, I get it.

587. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to the Penthouse penthouse?

588. You can pee on the floor.

589. - Yeah, I know. - That's real, right?

590. - That's what we were saying. - I'd tinkle all over the place.

591. - It's all over, on the carpet...

592. - Hey, GUYS

593. Can I get a picture of you for the paper?

594. - Yes. - Yes!

595. - Yeah, all right. - Of course you can.

596. - Wait. Wait.

597. Can you give the heroes a second?

598. - I tried to tell you guys.

599. - Hey, you're the guy from the shirt, huh?

600. - Probably, man.

601. Probably.

602. - Nice!