Workaholics 1x6

1. - Hung by the chimney with care, fine sir.

2. - Aw. - Oh.

3. - Ch!

4. - Every year!

5. - Wah...

6. What the hell's wrong with you guys?

7. It's the middle of July.

8. Are you drunk or something?

9. - We're just trying to spread

10. some holiday cheer, man.

11. Where's your half-Christmas spirit?

12. And, yeah, we're a little bit drunk, dude.

13. Deal with it. Okay?

14. Let's take it from the top.

15. And a-three and a-two and a...

16. - Aah! Cut!

17. I don't even know what you're doing.

18. - What? I can't hear you guys.

19. - Well, this is the third cat that you've had.

20. I think you should stop getting pets.

21. Yeah, look, I'm gonna have to let you go.

22. Someone just dropped three turds off in my office.

23. - Alice, query. We-

24. - Alice, I heard something about turds.

25. Is there a poop in here?

26. Is that something Oscar handles,

27. or is there a special poop janitor I should call?

28. - What the hell are you guys wearing?

29. - Here's the deal.

30. We are your top earners this month,

31. and we've been here over a year without a vacation.

32. - Yeah, which we don't even mind,

33. 'cause we love working for such a multitalented

34. lady of the evening such as yourself.

35. - Mm-hmm. - Yep.

36. - But we were wondering

37. if maybe we could get two days off

38. to celebrate half-Christmas.

39. It's a bit of a tradition in our household, so...

40. - Yeah.

41. It started, like, four years ago.

42. Blake went out to get some beer,

43. and he came home with a keg full of eggnog.

44. We call it a keg-nog.

45. - Yeah, but we just drank that thick nectar of the gods.

46. We sang, and it got wild,

47. and Adam actually ended up

48. fighting our neighbor's cleaning lady.

49. - It was a good scrap. It was a good scrap.

50. That's how half-Christmas was born.

51. So...

52. - So what do you say?

53. Alice.

54. - What?

55. - Well, she pretty much just talk-to-the-handed us.

56. - Yeah, I definitely agree,

57. but I don't think that's what they call it anymore.

58. - No, she talk-to-the-handed us.

59. Dude, it's a phrase. It's a topical phrase.

60. People say it.

61. - Guys, we can't let that Grinch's negativity

62. split us apart just 'cause we're stuck here.

63. You want to know why?

64. 'Cause the spirit of half-Christmas

65. lives on in all of us.

66. Just like a little baby alien.

67. - Aah.

68. Let's-let's just get some party supplies

69. and do it up in the office.

70. - Sure. It worked for fake Easter.

71. - Yes, it did. - Yeah.

72. - Although if I wake up

73. and my balls are dyed purple this time,

74. I will get Norwegian on you.

75. - Whoa. - Scary.

76. - It means, "I'm gonna eat."

77. - Cool.

78. Well, what do you say we go get some decorations

79. and turn this little office

80. into a magical half-Christmas winter wonderland?

81. - Ooh, let's talk-to-the-handed this office.

82. - I'm serious. I don't think anyone says that.

83. - No, they say it. - Who?

84. - Wrapping paper. Popcorn and string.

85. - Got it. Got it.

86. - Wrapping paper.

87. - I just said I got it.

88. - I know, I'm just checking it twice, homey,

89. 'cause I plan on being naughty.

90. - Hell, no! We won't go!

91. - Wow, what do we got here?

92. - We're on strike for more pay, better hours, insurance.

93. - What?

94. Let me get this straight.

95. All you guys do is stand out here,

96. yell at people, while not working?

97. - And do I smell barbecue'?

98. Because I am not mad at that.

99. - Can we go?

100. Unlike these freeloaders, no offense,

101. we got a job to get back to.

102. - Whoa, look at this guy, huh?

103. Old Saint Dick.

104. It's a pun. I'm good at those.

105. - Look, my dad had a plastics factory.

106. When they went on strike, my family went on hard times.

107. - Yep, here we go.

108. - We had to leave the country club in '95.

109. I went from clay court to ghetto court.

110. - Ha. "Ghetto Court."

111. I'd definitely watch that show.

112. - Quiet in the court! You goin' to prison!

113. - Get out of my court.

114. - Cut it out.

115. I don't have time for this chicanery.

116. - Careful, Ders. They prefer "Hispanic."

117. Don't be racist, man.

118. - Dude, you got to join a book club or read or something.

119. - Oh, I've got to join a book club?

120. - Please do. - I just finished Goosebumps.

121. R.L. Stine. I basically read the whole series.

122. And I'm pretty sure it ends with all the kids

123. getting on a boat, sailing off,

124. and saying, "Strikes are awesome!"

125. Yeah!

126. - I don't know, Ders.

127. I think I'm gonna have to side with Adam on this one.

128. Strikes are frickin' cool!

129. - Can we just get what we came to get

130. and get out of here, please?

131. - Sure. - Thank you.

132. - Excuse me. Pardon me.

133. Ah, make room. Going to a store.

134. I'm so sorry. That was rude.

135. Should have asked you guys.

136. Wrapping paper? Aisle six? Aisle seven?

137. Where's it at?

138. This is good, right?

139. Peter North Pole?

140. It's like a candy cane.

141. - Hi, guys.

142. Look, um, I know that you're big fans of the Dollar Store,

143. but you're gonna have to take all of this down.

144. You're distracting the entire office.

145. - How so?

146. - Next stop...

147. Work Town.

148. - You have ten minutes to take this dumb shit down.

149. - Why are you being such a Scrooge McDuck?

150. - Oh, I'm being a Scrooge McDuck?

151. Because there is no such thing as half-Christmas.

152. - Fine, Alice. You leave us no choice.

153. We're gonna go on strike.

154. - Nobody disses half-Christmas!

155. - We're going on strike.

156. You with us, Ders?

157. - No, thanks. I'm gonna keep my job.

158. - Oh, I should have figured you to be a traitor.

159. Bene-dick Arnold, over here.

160. - You could have said "Benedict Anders."

161. That might have been funnier.

162. - Yeah, fine. I'll do that.

163. Bene-dick Arnold.

164. Fuck. Damn it.

165. - Anyways... - Ar-Anders.

166. - We're gonna be outside. Should you need us.

167. - Stree-ike!

168. - Ooh. Yes.

169. - Whoo!

170. When's this turkey gonna be done, Karl?

171. - Oh, man, so far so good.

172. - Oh, yeah. That is cold as ice.

173. - Well, it's got to cook all the way through, man.

174. - Yeah, okay. - Yeah.

175. - Guess I don't know how turkeys work.

176. - No, you obviously don't.

177. Gonna take it to the roof and use the Sun's heat.

178. It's probably gonna be done in about two days or so.

179. - Cool, that's- that works, I guess.

180. - Um, but I got burgers.

181. - Yeah, we do.

182. - Woke up the burger wolf.

183. - Burger wolf. - The burger wolf.

184. - Woof.

185. - Man, I'm so glad we're not working.

186. I'd be wearing one of those stupid headsets

187. instead of... this cool, leather cowboy hat.

188. - Ooh, cowboy hat.

189. Where'd you get that at?

190. - Trash can, bro.

191. - Really resourceful. - Not bad.

192. - Whoa. Hello. - Oh, mamacita.

193. - Well, here we go.

194. - We might get laid.

195. - Hey, how's it going?

196. - Hey, GUYS

197. What are you striking for?

198. - Oh, religious rights in the workplace, my sister.

199. - Good for you. You got my support, fellas.

200. - Thank you so much.

201. - What kind of work do you do?

202. We're telemarketers!

203. - You fucking cocksuckers!

204. I'm on the "do not call" list,

205. and you fucking faggots keep fucking calling me.

206. Fuck you and your fucking religion.

207. It's called rape! And you got no dicks!

208. You're a bunch of pussies! Burn in hell!

209. - Fuck you.

210. - Hey, loner.

211. - Hey.

212. - I got you some new work buddies.

213. These are some hot, young rookies

214. fresh off the boat from the training program.

215. - Oh, a computer.

216. - Um...

217. - Hello there. Truly a pleasure.

218. - Okay. Okay.

219. It's good to meet you.

220. - Are there any firewall restrictions,

221. or am I, uh, free to use my best judgment?

222. - Yeah.

223. I, um, need you to get them up to speed.

224. Okay? Can you handle that?

225. - Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

226. - Good. - I can handle that.

227. But what about, um, Adam and Blake?

228. - What about them?

229. As far as I'm concerned, they quit.

230. - Craigslist Casual Encounters is blocked?

231. What is this? Fucking North Korea?

232. - My oldest son is a Methodist minister.

233. Now, his son plays on the church softball team.

234. - Jer, if we could just please keep it

235. to what we were talking about-

236. - You didn't let me finish, Anders.

237. - It's pronounced "O n-d e rs. "

238. - I think that's what he said.

239. - No, it wasn't. - I did, Anders.

240. - Go ahead, Jer. Take her home.

241. - So, uh, in this softball league that he plays on,

242. it's run by Lutherans.

243. Because the funny thing...

244. - Jillian. Jillian.

245. Can you talk to me right now about anything?

246. What's going on with Alice?

247. - Nope. No. Busy.

248. Okay, I'm not busy.

249. But I hate that guy's face.

250. And that guy smells like Boston Market.

251. - When do we get our break?

252. I really need to call my sponsor.

253. This office has a lot of triggers, Anders.

254. - It's "On-ders." okay?

255. "On-ders." It's not "An-ders."

256. It never was. I don't know why you guys keep saying it.

257. It's "On-ders."

258. I have an "On" at the beginning of my name.

259. I have a hard "On."

260. - Is it supposed to be chunky?

261. - I don't know.

262. - Wish we had a shot to drop in here.

263. Call it an egg Nagasaki bomb.

264. - Ugh - That'd be good.

265. - I'd do it. I'd do it.

266. - News copters covering the strike, probably, dude.

267. - Yeah. Or Iraq attacking.

268. - Yeah. - Ooh.

269. - Hey, dudes, got some bad news.

270. - Didn't tell you the bad news yet.

271. - It's my new strike thing. It's pretty good.

272. Go again. - You've been replaced.

273. Yeah, there's two massive choads

274. sitting in your seats upstairs.

275. I suggest you just go inside,

276. tell Alice you're sorry,

277. and beg for your job back.

278. - Alice can't replace us.

279. - Does she know we're irreplaceable?

280. - No, you've been replaced. It's already happened.

281. You're getting your final paychecks on Friday.

282. - Oh, that one was kind of real.

283. - Hey, Ders, the turkey's almost done, man.

284. - Hell, no! We won't go! - Hey, bag dude.

285. Just wanted to shank you from the bottom of our hearts,

286. 'cause we lost our jobs.

287. - The advice you gave us,

288. it was, um, well, it was pretty loose butthole.

289. - It was the loosest butthole.

290. It was so loose.

291. - Yeah. I got this.

292. Listen, this whole situation we're in right now,

293. we want to get it back to that...

294. tight butthole area.

295. - Mm-hmm.

296. - You get it?

297. - Well, you want to go on strike,

298. what does your local union boss say?

299. - Huh? - What?

300. - The who? - Your local union boss.

301. - Union boss.

302. Well, we haven't contacted him yet.

303. Secondly, what's a union?

304. - Yeah, it's just, uh, me, this dude,

305. and my friend Karl and his rape van, so...

306. - Yeah, it's a good crew.

307. - Yeah, tight crew. - Real tight crew.

308. - We're cool. - Yeah, we're having fun.

309. We're having fun out there. Eggnog.

310. - Little gang. - Yeah, little keg-nog.

311. - Well, you want to go on strike?

312. Get your coworkers on your side.

313. Then you'll get what you want.

314. - Oh, okay. - Oh, coworkers.

315. - Cool, coworkers. Good plan, dude.

316. All right, crossing the line. Going shopping.

317. - Yeah. Does anybody want a Powerade while we're in there?

318. - Anything under $5, I got you.

319. - Huh? - No?

320. - Croissant? From the bakery?

321. What's up, Jillian?

322. - Oh, hey. Nothing.

323. - J-bell, do you feel that you're satisfied

324. with everything here at TelAmeriCorp?

325. - All I'm saying is, we need some new leads, man.

326. You know, I got a 25-foot pontoon boat I got to pay off.

327. - Hey, well, then it's official, right?

328. You're striking with us, huh?

329. - I want $500,000.

330. - I don't know. Stock options? Is that a thing?

331. - There's no way of knowing,

332. but if it is, we'll put some up around the office.

333. - I want to go to the zoo.

334. - More ashtrays?

335. - We can do that.

336. - Great. Great.

337. - My dog died.

338. Bring my dog back.

339. - I can't promise anything, but, yes, I guarantee it.

340. - Appreciate it.

341. - And that's my granddaughter Margaret.

342. She's a champion archer.

343. Also she makes soup.

344. - Wow, that's a riveting story, Jer.

345. - She makes all kinds of soup.

346. Chicken noodle. Uh, beef noodle.

347. Pig's feet soup.

348. She m-fish. Fish soup.

349. She has won prizes with her soup.

350. Is that your family?

351. - You could say that.

352. - Your wife is beautiful.

353. - Yeah.

354. - Holmvik. - Yes.

355. - It's time to step it up.

356. I need you mobile.

357. - Whoa. Bluetooth Jawbone Thinker?

358. With noise-assassin technology?

359. - Yeah, that's right.

360. - Big deal.

361. - Just wanted to thank you

362. for still being a part of the team.

363. You know, I think you're a regular Derek Jeter,

364. or some sports shit.

365. - You know, guys, some say that luck

366. is preparation meeting opportunity.

367. I say luck is for nerds without Bluetooths.

368. - Aha.

369. - We're not gonna take it anymore, guys!

370. We need to tell corporate to suck it!

371. - Suck it!

372. Oh, sorry. I thought everybody was gonna do that.

373. - No, we totally should.

374. Suck our dicks!

375. - Yeah! Suck our dicks!

376. Suck our dicks!

377. Suck our dicks!

378. - Stay here. Get to work.

379. - Suck our dicks!

380. Suck our dicks!

381. - Get them out of here.

382. - Suck our dicks!

383. ' GUYS. guys. Guys, come on.

384. Just take it back outside right now.

385. - Hell, no, we won't go...

386. back outside.

387. Hell, no! We won't go!

388. Back outside! Hell, no!

389. - Get down! You get-

390. Get down!

391. - Hell, no! We won't go!

392. - I'm a martyr! I am a martyr!

393. - Move! You're going outside!

394. You're going outside right now!

395. Suck our dicks!

396. - Back outside!

397. - Uh, yes, she is, but can you please hold?

398. Great. Thank you.

399. Hi, Alice Murphy's office.

400. No, she's not. Can you please hold?

401. Thank you.

402. Hi. Alice Murphy's office.

403. Yes, Mr. Benson.

404. Just a moment. Please hold.

405. Hey, Alice, it's Mr. Benson on line one from corporate.

406. - Oh, wonderful.

407. Hey, uh, buddy, why don't you stay on the line

408. and then you can see how them big dicks swang.

409. - Okay. Swang!

410. Just a second. I'll put him through.

411. - All right.

412. - Yeah, you can go right through. Okay.

413. - Hello. Hi, Mr. Benson.

414. Yes, everything is just fine.

415. No, no, no, it's not a real strike.

416. Yeah, because they have no idea what a real strike is.

417. No, this is, um...

418. this is not about the "do not call" list.

419. Yeah, because they haven't even seen it.

420. Look, half of these people

421. haven't even graduated high school, okay?

422. They're barely functioning alcoholics.

423. Yeah, okay. Give my best to Ruth.

424. Okay.

425. Hey, buddy.

426. So, um, just between you and me,

427. we're gonna keep all that "do not call" list stuff

428. on the hushety hush, right?

429. - Isn't it kind of illegal

430. to use the "do not call" list to call people?

431. - Yeah.

432. Listen, do you or do you not

433. want to run with the big dogs?

434. - I want to run with the big dogs.

435. - Yeah, you do.

436. And sometimes when you're a big dog,

437. you got to learn how to wear a muzzle.

438. Okay?

439. - Mm-hmm. - We hearing each other?

440. - Yeah, well, you're not hearing me,

441. 'cause I got a muzzle on.

442. - All right.

443. That's what I like to hear.

444. - Yeah. - Good work.

445. - Zip it, lock it, keep it in my pocket.

446. - Morning, scab.

447. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

448. I'm sorry, Anders, but Trix are for kids.

449. And union workers.

450. - Those aren't even Trix.

451. - No, they're the imitation kind

452. that you brought at Traitor Joe's.

453. What?

454. - Traitor!

455. - You know, you could have said Traitor Ders.

456. Been funnier.

457. - What now'? Traitor!

458. You are a traitor! - You're a traitor!

459. - Aah!

460. - Ow, dude.

461. - Take a walk. - Dude, my rotator cuff.

462. - Go back to sniffing Alice's ass, dude.

463. Go! And also give us a ride.

464. - So we're coming.

465. - We're following you right now.

466. You can go ahead and drop us off right here.

467. - Thank you. - Stop.

468. - Thanks for the ride, Ders.

469. - Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

470. - Turn your vehicle around, sir.

471. - Do not let this communist bitch cross this line!

472. - Get off my hood. I'm not a communist.

473. Communists support unions.

474. That's why it's called the Soviet Union.

475. - Is that true?

476. - I don't know. Commie scab!

477. Commie scab!

478. - Get out of my way! Waymond, move!

479. - Commie scab! - Move.

480. - He's a witch! Burn him!

481. - Get away from me.

482. - Wish it didn't have to be like this, Ders.

483. Breaks my heart.

484. On half-Christmas eve, of all days.

485. - I hope you're all proud of yourselves.

486. You're all filthy animals!

487. - Fire in the hole!

488. - Nice try.

489. You know, honestly, I would have-no!

490. - Commie scab! Commie scab!

491. “

492. - Here.

493. I want you to give your friends their last paychecks.

494. Show 'em what team you're rooting for, big dog.

495. - Be my pleasure.

496. - Hey, you're being groomed.

497. Your path to the top is gonna be littered

498. with losers like them, "An-ders."

499. "An-ders."

500. - Six paid personal days off per year.

501. Option to buy into company health insurance?

502. Boring.

503. One milkshake water fountain? Awesome.

504. - Psst. No-bra Friday.

505. - Jillian.

506. Yes, that's a great idea.

507. No-bra Fridays.

508. We're not gonna wear bras on Fridays.

509. - Nope.

510. - And one legit half-Christmas party

511. to be paid for by the company.

512. Yeah.

513. - It's kind of the reason for the season.

514. - I'm really blown away.

515. No, seriously, I think you guys

516. did an amazing job on this list.

517. I'll tell you what we should do.

518. I think you should chop off your dicks

519. and then park them inside your buttholes.

520. - Okay, we'll use that and then negotiate from there.

521. - Negotiate. - Negotiate.

522. - Negotiate. - Negotiations.

523. - As you can see behind me,

524. I have a new dream team.

525. - Anders, I want you to escort them out the building.

526. - I don't think that's gonna be happening.

527. - Did Jamie Foxx and Gabrielle Union

528. just walk in the door?

529. Because someone's breaking all the rules.

530. - Where did you get this?

531. - From the tightest butthole on the block.

532. Anders!

533. - He's got a hard "On."

534. - Yeah, he does.

535. - And I love milkshake water fountains.

536. - Well, this isn't gonna matter, anyway.

537. - Well, why don't you try to explain how you have

538. all your employees calling people

539. on the "do not call" list, mister?

540. - I was just following orders to protect my job, okay?

541. Those numbers came directly from corporate.

542. - Well, then who's gonna protect our jobs, Alice?

543. - Fine, I will give you your jobs back,

544. but you are only getting two paid personal days a year.

545. - How do you say, "I don't think so," in Chinese?

546. Fine.

547. You can have the rest of the day for your stupid party.

548. - What about health insurance?

549. My husband has lupus.

550. - Okay, don't ruin this for everyone, Beverly.

551. You've got yourself a deal.

552. - Ew. God, how have you ever gotten laid?

553. - College was a very drunk time in three girls' lives.

554. Ho! Boom!

555. - Look, everyone. It's snowing.

556. It's a white half-Christmas.

557. - God. - Whoo!

558. - Beautiful.

559. - Heads up, guys. I'm cleaning my grill.

560. - Nice.