1. - There's definitely
something in there.Copy !req
2. - Okay, just
tell me what happened.Copy !req
3. - Well, I was watching
Hell Date as usual last night,Copy !req
4. and I was eating pretzel rods,
and I passed out.Copy !req
5. So I think I, like,
rolled on oneCopy !req
6. and it broke off
in my ear or something.Copy !req
7. - Or maybe I've just beenCopy !req
8. punching you
in your sleep, dude.Copy !req
9. Did you think about that maybe?Copy !req
10. - That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
11. - Oh, it makes more sense
than you even know, Anders.Copy !req
12. - Well, so have you then?Copy !req
13. - Okay.
- Maybe.Copy !req
14. - All right, just stay still,Copy !req
15. because I definitely
see something in there.Copy !req
16. - Well, get it out!
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
17. Just take some deep breaths.Copy !req
18. Adam, can you hand me
those tweezers, please?Copy !req
19. - What do you need
tweezers for, man? Just...Copy !req
20. - Tweeze me.
- Thank you.Copy !req
21. All right now, just hold still.Copy !req
22. I don't wanna
rupture any vessels.Copy !req
23. - What?Copy !req
24. - Oh, sweet Jesus.Copy !req
25. - What?
What is it?Copy !req
26. What's in there?Copy !req
27. What is it?
What? What is it?Copy !req
28. - It's a baby cockroach!Copy !req
29. - No, sir, it's not
just a washcloth.Copy !req
30. This zips into
your utility belt.Copy !req
31. And if you're on a boat,
it goes overboard, it floats.Copy !req
32. I know you're not a child, sir.Copy !req
33. Well, maybe we shouldn't
be doing business.Copy !req
34. Well, that's fine.
Fine.Copy !req
35. No, okay, well, I guess
we're not doing business.Copy !req
36. - Check out our house,Copy !req
37. it looks like
a total circus tent.Copy !req
38. - Ugh, that looks like
a poisonous death trap, dude.Copy !req
39. - How's that?Copy !req
40. - If I were a kid, that's
exactly where I would hide.Copy !req
41. Instead of, like,
making awesome circus tentsCopy !req
42. that kids wanna hide in,Copy !req
43. they should just write
"Homework Store" on it,Copy !req
44. or "Homework Town."Copy !req
45. Kids don't wanna
go to Homework Town.Copy !req
46. Dead kid problem solved.Copy !req
47. - Yeah, or then we'd have
some dead, really smart kids.Copy !req
48. - Well, maybe if you guys
didn't treat our houseCopy !req
49. like the piss ditch
at Burning Man,Copy !req
50. we wouldn't have
to get it fumigated.Copy !req
51. - Ders,
you're the bedtime maniacCopy !req
52. who passes out with pretzelsCopy !req
53. and wakes up
with little brain bugs.Copy !req
54. - Nevertheless, we have nowhere
to sleep for three days.Copy !req
55. - Come on, guys,
this is our chanceCopy !req
56. to take that camping trip
we've never talked about.Copy !req
57. - Yeah, let's buckle up
for some high-speed bro bondage.Copy !req
58. - Yeah, it's free, it's fun,Copy !req
59. and you just might
learn something.Copy !req
60. - Excuse me,
could you move this boxCopy !req
61. so I can get to the outlet?Copy !req
62. - No prob, Bob.Copy !req
63. - It's Bret.Copy !req
64. - No sweat, Bret.Copy !req
65. - Whoa.
- Whoa!Copy !req
66. - Look at this.Copy !req
67. Finally found a T-shirt
that's gonna houseCopy !req
68. those bodacious C cups
of yours, Ders.Copy !req
69. Come on, give me
a little shake, baby.Copy !req
70. Come on, mama.
Shake it for us.Copy !req
71. Yeah!
- Shake it, shake it, shake it.Copy !req
72. - Yeah.
- How does he do that?Copy !req
73. - Uh, magnificent.
- Whoa, whom!Copy !req
74. - And let's give one
to Bret here.Copy !req
75. It's a parting gift.
Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
76. - Thank you.
- You earned it.Copy !req
77. - Oh, that's how
it's gonna be, huh?Copy !req
78. This nerd show up
for one day to do my job.Copy !req
79. I'm here every day.Copy !req
80. Y'all never
gave me a T-shirt.Copy !req
81. - Montez, that's because
you're not an I.T. guy.Copy !req
82. - Okay, I'm not an I.T. guy.Copy !req
83. All right, who took that
pornado off his computer, hmm?Copy !req
84. Who sent y'all
all them dope web videos?Copy !req
85. Remember
that Chocolate Rain, huh?Copy !req
86. where the penguin fell
through the ice?Copy !req
87. - Yeah.
- Remember that one?Copy !req
88. And that Leroy Jenkins joint?Copy !req
89. That was next level.Copy !req
90. - Yeah, that was good,Copy !req
91. but it came out,
like, five years ago, so...Copy !req
92. - You don't respect
the classics.Copy !req
93. What's next?
He gonna buttfuck Mozart?Copy !req
94. - Ew.
- Here you go.Copy !req
95. - I appreciate it.Copy !req
96. Waymond, look what they gave me.Copy !req
97. Nuh, ah! That's not for you.
Come on.Copy !req
98. You always trying to
get stuff that's not yours.Copy !req
99. - That was nice of you.
- Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
100. - Good job.
- Oh!Copy !req
101. - You okay?Copy !req
102. - Here, spit it out.Copy !req
103. - Are you ready to go
camping tonight, brother?Copy !req
104. - Roger that, Ranger Rick.
We are all set.Copy !req
105. Got those 'shrooms from Karl
that he brought from Chico.Copy !req
106. I'm talking brain melter.Copy !req
107. - I don't even know
if I wanna do any.Copy !req
108. - What?
- I'm scared.Copy !req
109. You know what?
I'll do a couple.Copy !req
110. - Ha-ha!
That's my guy.Copy !req
111. - One or two.
Not too many, though.Copy !req
112. I wanna be appropriate
with those, for sure.Copy !req
113. - Wanna do some right now?
- HeyCopy !req
114. - Hey, dickholes.
- Alice, hey.Copy !req
115. - So I don't know
if you heard this or not,Copy !req
116. but there's been
a series of burglariesCopy !req
117. in cars in the area.Copy !req
118. Anyway, we're gonna be
beefing up security,Copy !req
119. so I just wanted
to let you know that.Copy !req
120. - I hope they don't put
any language alarms in,Copy !req
121. because you cuss a lot.Copy !req
122. - You won't need
too much extra security,Copy !req
123. because we've already got
Sirs Vei and Lance right here.Copy !req
124. Surs... veillance, vey.Copy !req
125. - What the fuck does that mean?Copy !req
126. - Anyways, I could
walk you to your car tonightCopy !req
127. if you were worried
about the burglars.Copy !req
128. - Wow.
Adam, that would be-Copy !req
129. actually, that
would be really great.Copy !req
130. - Really'?Copy !req
131. - No, you fuckhead.
Of course not.Copy !req
132. Ah.Copy !req
133. - You think walking to my carCopy !req
134. with a four-foot
12-year-oldCopy !req
135. is really gonna
spook away any bad guys?Copy !req
136. I don't think so.
- Four-foot-tall 12-year-old...Copy !req
137. I can bench-press 220,
so whatever.Copy !req
138. - Just shut up, Adam.
- Right on.Copy !req
139. - Hey.Copy !req
140. - And it turns out
the whole entire camp...Copy !req
141. was haunted.Copy !req
142. - Oh.
That was scary!Copy !req
143. Bro, you totally just
N. Mike Salomon-ed me.Copy !req
144. - N. Mike.
Now he's a real storyteller.Copy !req
145. - Dude, tell that story again.Copy !req
146. But this time...Copy !req
147. on 'shrooms.Copy !req
148. - Ooh. Okeydoke.Copy !req
149. - Please don't;
I don't need to hear aboutCopy !req
150. how some guy is getting raped
with a buzz saw again.Copy !req
151. - Uh, it was a chainsaw, Ders.Copy !req
152. How's a ghost gonna rape
someone with a buzz saw?Copy !req
153. Idiot.Copy !req
154. - Either way, come get some
of Karl's grody toadstools.Copy !req
155. - Yum.
- Mmm.Copy !req
156. - Mmm.
- Mmm.Copy !req
157. - Ders, you want in on this?Copy !req
158. - I think Ders should
maybe take a little naparoo,Copy !req
159. let us wolves howl
at the moon like we do.Copy !req
160. - A-ow!Copy !req
161. I'm a coyote with sunglasses.Copy !req
162. - Yeah, you are.
Woof.Copy !req
163. - Okay, first of all, dickheads,
I'm not going to bed.Copy !req
164. It's 7:45.Copy !req
165. And secondly, why do you thinkCopy !req
166. I would let you drink
all my KahluaCopy !req
167. and not expect me to wantCopy !req
168. some of your drug stuff
in return?Copy !req
169. - This will make
your brain go all like...Copy !req
170. and you can't handle that.Copy !req
171. - Adam, I can do a drug, okay?Copy !req
172. I can drop 'shrooms.Copy !req
173. Plus, I don't wanna
babysit you guys all night.Copy !req
174. - Hey, Adam...
Ders can have one.Copy !req
175. A little doggy, a little pup.Copy !req
176. But, hey, don't you
flip out on me.Copy !req
177. I don't want you
just throwing 'bows, okay?Copy !req
178. Gotta be cool.Copy !req
179. - Blake, I'm a pretty cool guy.Copy !req
180. Get with the showgram.Copy !req
181. - To me, they taste
like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.Copy !req
182. Minus the cinnamon.Copy !req
183. And the crunch as well.Copy !req
184. - Oh, my God,
you guys do these a lot?Copy !req
185. 'Cause they're gross.Copy !req
186. It tastes like what I thinkCopy !req
187. Rumpelstiltskin
might taste like.Copy !req
188. - They're good, right?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
189. Do your legs feel like puddings?Copy !req
190. - Swimming in
the swimming pool of life.Copy !req
191. - Imagine this is the nucleus,Copy !req
192. and we're all little neurons.Copy !req
193. - Are we in the lighthouse?Copy !req
194. - Will you take
this world by storm?Copy !req
195. - A' Star A'Copy !req
196. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
197. - This one goes out to
the late, great John Candy, mon!Copy !req
198. - We are the bobsled team.Copy !req
199. - Mamasay, mamasah, macoosah.Copy !req
200. - Am I tripping, or did
I just see two dudes in there?Copy !req
201. - We've got company.Copy !req
202. - Take it down.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.Copy !req
203. - Ow, who is that? Adam?
- That's okay.Copy !req
204. - Go, go, go.
- Let it down easy.Copy !req
205. Let her down easy.
- Shh, quiet.Copy !req
206. - There are actual
robbers here right now!Copy !req
207. Is anyone gonna
help me deflate this?Copy !req
208. - Oh, so now you wanna go
on a magic carpet ride, huh?Copy !req
209. - I just wanna have
a plan to get out of here.Copy !req
210. - We could start robbing
the place ourselves,Copy !req
211. and then when we see
the burglars we can be like,Copy !req
212. 'What are you guys doing here?
You guys are burglaring this?Copy !req
213. I thought
we had this today."Copy !req
214. - Are you insane?
I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
215. - Ugh.
Get over yourself.Copy !req
216. - What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
217. - Okay, no.
All right?Copy !req
218. Because I'm pretty sureCopy !req
219. we have broken more laws
than the burglars.Copy !req
220. We're trespassing.Copy !req
221. I did some things
in the girls' bathroomCopy !req
222. I shouldn't talk about,Copy !req
223. and we have a ton of drugs.Copy !req
224. - Do we?
I can take care of that for us.Copy !req
225. Teamwork for my friends.Copy !req
226. - Okay, is that the smartest
thing to do right now?Copy !req
227. Get more 'shroomed out?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
228. Ders, this is our night
at the museum, okay?Copy !req
229. And this exhibit,
he's coming to life.Copy !req
230. - How many 'shrooms
have you dropped?Copy !req
231. - A lot.
- How many?Copy !req
232. How many 'shrooms
have you dropped?Copy !req
233. How many 'shrooms have
you dropped?Copy !req
234. - A lot.
- Hey, I've got it.Copy !req
235. It's so obvious.
It's so simple.Copy !req
236. They'll never see it coming.Copy !req
237. Let's walk right out
the front door.Copy !req
238. - Blake!Copy !req
239. You're the smartest guy I know.Copy !req
240. You're like Bo Jackson.
- Adam...Copy !req
241. Inside voices.Copy !req
242. - Oh, my God, we're dead.
We're dead, we're dead.Copy !req
243. - We're not gonna
get murdered, Ders.Copy !req
244. We're not gonna
get stabbed repeatedlyCopy !req
245. in the face and body,
and left for dead.Copy !req
246. - Adam, the entire building
is locked down.Copy !req
247. The front door's
the only way out.Copy !req
248. I think one of those guys
had a gun on his person.Copy !req
249. - No, that's it.
It's so obvious; it's so simple.Copy !req
250. They'll never see it coming.Copy !req
251. We go through the biggest
front door of them all...Copy !req
252. the roof.Copy !req
253. Let's go.Copy !req
254. Shh.Copy !req
255. - Okay, cool,
where's the fire escape?Copy !req
256. - Well, there is no fire escape,Copy !req
257. but maybe you've heard
of the classic taleCopy !req
258. by . . . who wrote Rapunzel?Copy !req
259. - What are you talking about?Copy !req
260. - Whatever, I'll jump.
I don't care, dude.Copy !req
261. - Please do.
- No, no, I'm serious.Copy !req
262. Like, we should ponytail
our clothes together,Copy !req
263. and Rapunzel down.Copy !req
264. - You mean rappel.
- No, Rapunzel.Copy !req
265. Actually, curiously,Copy !req
266. that's where the word
"rappel" comes from.Copy !req
267. "Rapunzel."
- No, it's not.Copy !req
268. But that's not
a bad idea; I'm in.Copy !req
269. - Are you guys cold?Copy !req
270. What?
They're Spanx, all right?Copy !req
271. Haven't been
to the gym a lot lately,Copy !req
272. and they keep me tight.Copy !req
273. - Is that why you're flexing?Copy !req
274. - I'm not flexing
right now, dude.Copy !req
275. Are you flexing?
- Definitely not flexing.Copy !req
276. - You're flexing for sure.
- No, you're flexing.Copy !req
277. - No, you're flexing, dude.
- I'm not flexing right now.Copy !req
278. - I'm a stress eater.Copy !req
279. And I've been eating
a lot lately,Copy !req
280. so I need Spanx.Copy !req
281. - Okay, yes.
- Are you okay with that?Copy !req
282. - You're stress eating
some high-class boomers.Copy !req
283. I need you focused.Copy !req
284. - Fine,
I'm the best thrower anyway.Copy !req
285. - No, no, no, no.
Don't, don't, don't!Copy !req
286. What are you doing?
- Stop!Copy !req
287. Stop!
Stop, Stop!Copy !req
288. Stop it, Adam!
Stop!Copy !req
289. Sto-you're
not listening!Copy !req
290. - We should start bringing
guns to work, man.Copy !req
291. Then we wouldn't have
this issue, like, ever.Copy !req
292. We would just be like,
"You're robbing us?"Copy !req
293. - Yeah, absolutely.Copy !req
294. Guns are at least,
or two-handed swords.Copy !req
295. - Sword?
Cut me, bro.Copy !req
296. Cut me-
bro.Copy !req
297. - Shut up.Copy !req
298. Are you trying to get me killed?Copy !req
299. - Are you flexing again?
- No.Copy !req
300. - You look like you are.Copy !req
301. - I'm not flexing right now.
You are.Copy !req
302. - Yeah, I always am.Copy !req
303. And you need to take
some time out of your dayCopy !req
304. and work on your body,Copy !req
305. 'cause it's
an embarrassment, bro.Copy !req
306. - Come on, let's go.
We're not safe here anymore.Copy !req
307. - Whoa.
I just got an awesome idea.Copy !req
308. - Stop it.Copy !req
309. Those 'shrooms you made me takeCopy !req
310. are making me
sick to my stomach.Copy !req
311. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, brother.Copy !req
312. Those 'shrooms
were all you, buddy.Copy !req
313. - Ders, succumbing
to peer pressure.Copy !req
314. What's new, Ders?
- I don't do that.Copy !req
315. - What's new, Ders?
- We have to get out of here.Copy !req
316. We have to go!
- Can fly in this thing.Copy !req
317. - Adam, you can't fly.Copy !req
318. - I'm like one of those dragons
from Avatar, remember?Copy !req
319. They flew on them.
They were like...Copy !req
320. - Shh!
Stop.Copy !req
321. Adam, stop.Copy !req
322. Adam, I cannot
handle this anymore.Copy !req
323. I'm gonna go wait
in the bathroom.Copy !req
324. Stop it.Copy !req
325. I'm going to the bathroom.Copy !req
326. - Bye-bye.
TTYL.Copy !req
327. LOL. JK.Copy !req
328. - Give me the stapler.Copy !req
329. Not about to be
the only guy without it.Copy !req
330. - How many?
- Two.Copy !req
331. There you go again,
overachieving.Copy !req
332. Miss you, dude.Copy !req
333. - Ahh.Copy !req
334. Oh, man,
that's cool-looking.Copy !req
335. God damn it.Copy !req
336. - I got you, baby.Copy !req
337. - Whoa.Copy !req
338. Dude, he just sent me
a picture of a knife.Copy !req
339. I think he might
really be in trouble.Copy !req
340. - Oh, my God,
a photo of a knife?Copy !req
341. Terrifying.Copy !req
342. I've got about
two more hours on this,Copy !req
343. and then we'll get to go home.Copy !req
344. Okay?
Believe in me.Copy !req
345. - Adam, you know our motto.Copy !req
346. No Ders left behind.Copy !req
347. - The thing about Ders is...Copy !req
348. he's supposed to die tonight.Copy !req
349. I'm on a real spiritual high
right now, brother.Copy !req
350. Real high.Copy !req
351. It's the prophecy.Copy !req
352. It was foretold, like,
a 1,000 years before dinosaurs.Copy !req
353. - And as cool as that sounds,Copy !req
354. how awesome would it be
to deny the prophecy'?Copy !req
355. - Let's do it for the dinosaurs.Copy !req
356. - What does that mean?Copy !req
357. - I think that means
let's go save Ders.Copy !req
358. - All right.
- Okay.Copy !req
359. - Well, well, well.Copy !req
360. The server room.
What are these guys up to?Copy !req
361. - Jackpot.Copy !req
362. - This is bigger
than we thought.Copy !req
363. No, please don't cut me.Copy !req
364. You came back.Copy !req
365. I almost just killed you.Copy !req
366. - Are you okay?Copy !req
367. - I've been nothing but worried.Copy !req
368. - I shouldn't
have left you guys.Copy !req
369. You guys are my rocks.Copy !req
370. Thank you.Copy !req
371. Look, we are not safe here.Copy !req
372. - No one's safe.Copy !req
373. They got in the server room,
hacked into the networks.Copy !req
374. - I know I'm really high
right now, guys,Copy !req
375. but I don't think
I'm exaggeratingCopy !req
376. when I say this goes all
the way up to the vice presidentCopy !req
377. of the continental
United States of America.Copy !req
378. - Biden.Copy !req
379. How are we
gonna get out of here?Copy !req
380. - We aren't.Copy !req
381. We've gotta
stand up for justice.Copy !req
382. We're gonna protect what's oursCopy !req
383. and take back what we never had,Copy !req
384. because if the History Channel
taught us anythingCopy !req
385. besides the culture
of ice road trucking,Copy !req
386. it's that history defines men
by moments and shit.Copy !req
387. And gentledudes,
this is our moment.Copy !req
388. Because if we don't learn
from History Channel...Copy !req
389. we're doomed to repeat
History Channel.Copy !req
390. - Let's go kill these dudes.Copy !req
391. - I didn't cry for no reason.Copy !req
392. - Okay, so what are
we looking at here?Copy !req
393. - This is the burglar buster.Copy !req
394. It's basically the Eliminator
from American Gladiators,Copy !req
395. mixed with all the cool
laser parts from Entrapment-Copy !req
396. you know, the
Catherine Zeta-Jones vehicle.Copy !req
397. - Yeah, it's a classic.Copy !req
398. But how do we know
this is going to work?Copy !req
399. - Because it was designed
by the best.Copy !req
400. - I'll get on the P.A.
to get their attention.Copy !req
401. Then using Adam as bait,Copy !req
402. we lure them
through our gauntlet.Copy !req
403. First up, the Lazer Jungle.Copy !req
404. - What's that supposed to do?Copy !req
405. - Physically?
Nothing.Copy !req
406. But mentally...
total destruction.Copy !req
407. - Ooh, I like that.Copy !req
408. - Then Adam triggers the
Water Jug Pendulums of Death,Copy !req
409. driving them into...Copy !req
410. our Ether-Net,Copy !req
411. which, you guessed it,
is a net of ethernet cables.Copy !req
412. And if these guys happen
to be super-shredder statusCopy !req
413. and get through all of that,Copy !req
414. then I'll be there with
our Last Line of Defense:Copy !req
415. just plain old
sharpened broomsticks,Copy !req
416. just like that scene
in Braveheart.Copy !req
417. - All right, let's do this.Copy !req
418. - We're doing it.Copy !req
419. - Warning.Copy !req
420. You have activated
the laser alarm system.Copy !req
421. These are not laser pointers.Copy !req
422. They're real lasers
that burn through human flesh.Copy !req
423. You're probably like...
lasers in an office buil...Copy !req
424. Anyways, you should be
really freaked out.Copy !req
425. Adam, that's your cue.Copy !req
426. - Leroy... Jenkins!Copy !req
427. - God damn it, Leroy.Copy !req
428. - Sorry.
I had to do it.Copy !req
429. I'm kind of a maverick,Copy !req
430. and I just don't
give a shoot, you know?Copy !req
431. You guys feel me, though, right?Copy !req
432. - I feel you.
You're like my new hero.Copy !req
433. - Maybe we should tie them up.Copy !req
434. - Okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
435. - So you thought
you could just come in hereCopy !req
436. and throw down on our turf?Copy !req
437. On our turf?
That's what you thought?Copy !req
438. - I guess you guys
forgot to expectCopy !req
439. the unexpected!Copy !req
440. - Like I said,
I'm with tech support.Copy !req
441. I met you, like, six hours ago.Copy !req
442. This is my part-
this is my partner, Corey.Copy !req
443. - Oh, very clever.Copy !req
444. So you come in during the dayCopy !req
445. hidden in plain sight
to case the joint.Copy !req
446. - You are not
gonna get the codes.Copy !req
447. But you will tell us
what Joe Biden's after.Copy !req
448. - What does Joe Biden want?Copy !req
449. - Please, just don't hurt us.Copy !req
450. - Us hurt you?Copy !req
451. That's hilarious;
we're not the onesCopy !req
452. dropping knives in bathrooms.Copy !req
453. That's right.
I was in there watching you.Copy !req
454. - I carry a knife with me
because I was sexually assaultedCopy !req
455. in a mall food court
last spring.Copy !req
456. Sorry I like to feel protected.Copy !req
457. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
458. - We're just here
to reboot the system.Copy !req
459. We can't-we can't
do it during the dayCopy !req
460. when the servers are in use.Copy !req
461. - Right!
- Yeah.Copy !req
462. Okay! Like I can't
test your little lie, buddy?Copy !req
463. I can just open up
a program right here-Copy !req
464. holy shit, this is fast.Copy !req
465. Did you install
Snow Leopard for PC on this?Copy !req
466. - No way, let me see.
- This is good.Copy !req
467. - Wow, look at all those tabs.Copy !req
468. - Wait, are you printing
and watching a video?Copy !req
469. - I don't know
what I'm doing right now.Copy !req
470. - Um, so hey, um...Copy !req
471. our collective bad.Copy !req
472. I could've sworn you had a gun.Copy !req
473. Nope, that's a pager.
You still got one of those.Copy !req
474. - That's a common mistake.Copy !req
475. So...Copy !req
476. do you guys like 'shrooms?Copy !req
477. Yes, please.Copy !req
478. - Nice.Copy !req