1. - There's definitely
something in there.Copy !req
2. - Okay, just
tell me what happened.Copy !req
3. - Well, I was watching
Hell Date as usual last night,Copy !req
4. and I was eating pretzel rods,
and I passed out.Copy !req
5. So I think I, like,
rolled on oneCopy !req
6. and it broke off
in my ear or something.Copy !req
7. - Or maybe I've just beenCopy !req
8. punching you
in your sleep, dude.Copy !req
9. Did you think
about that maybe?Copy !req
10. - That doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
11. - Oh, it makes more sense
than you even know, Anders.Copy !req
12. - Well, so have you then?Copy !req
13. - Okay.
- Maybe.Copy !req
14. - All right,
just stay still,Copy !req
15. because I definitely
see something in there.Copy !req
16. - Well, get it out!
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
17. Just take
some deep breaths.Copy !req
18. Adam, can you hand me
those tweezers, please?Copy !req
19. - What do you need
tweezers for, man? Just...Copy !req
20. - Tweeze me.
- Thank you.Copy !req
21. All right now,
just hold still.Copy !req
22. I don't wanna
rupture any vessels.Copy !req
23. - What?Copy !req
24. Oh, sweet Jesus.Copy !req
25. - What?
What is it?Copy !req
26. - What's in there?Copy !req
27. What is it?
What? What is it?Copy !req
28. - It's a baby cockroach!Copy !req
29. - No, sir, it's not
just a washcloth.Copy !req
30. This zips into
your utility belt.Copy !req
31. And if you're on a boat,
it goes overboard, it floats.Copy !req
32. I know you're
not a child, sir.Copy !req
33. Well, maybe we shouldn't
be doing business.Copy !req
34. Well, that's fine.
Fine.Copy !req
35. No, okay, well, I guess
we're not doing business.Copy !req
36. - Check out our house,Copy !req
37. it looks like
a total circus tent.Copy !req
38. - Ugh, that looks like
a poisonous death trap, dude.Copy !req
39. - How's that?Copy !req
40. - If I were a kid, that's
exactly where I would hide.Copy !req
41. Instead of, like,
making awesome circus tentsCopy !req
42. that kids wanna hide in,Copy !req
43. they should just write
"Homework Store" on it,Copy !req
44. or "Homework Town."Copy !req
45. Kids don't wanna
go to Homework Town.Copy !req
46. Dead kid problem solved.Copy !req
47. - Yeah, or then we'd have
some dead, really smart kids.Copy !req
48. - Well, maybe if you guys
didn't treat our houseCopy !req
49. like the piss ditch
at Burning Man,Copy !req
50. we wouldn't have
to get it fumigated.Copy !req
51. - Ders,
you're the bedtime maniacCopy !req
52. who passes out
with pretzelsCopy !req
53. and wakes up
with little brain bugs.Copy !req
54. - Nevertheless, we have nowhere
to sleep for three days.Copy !req
55. - Come on, guys,
this is our chanceCopy !req
56. to take that camping trip
we've never talked about.Copy !req
57. - Yeah, let's buckle up
for some high-speed bro bondage.Copy !req
58. - Yeah, it's free,
it's fun,Copy !req
59. and you just might
learn something.Copy !req
60. - Excuse me,
could you move this boxCopy !req
61. so I can get to
the outlet?Copy !req
62. - No prob, Bob.Copy !req
63. - It's Bret.Copy !req
64. - No sweat, Bret.Copy !req
65. - Whoa.
- Whoa!Copy !req
66. - Look at this.Copy !req
67. Finally found a T-shirt
that's gonna houseCopy !req
68. those bodacious C cups
of yours, Ders.Copy !req
69. Come on, give me
a little shake, baby.Copy !req
70. Come on, mama.
Shake it for us.Copy !req
71. Yeah!
- Shake it, shake it, shake it.Copy !req
72. - Yeah.
- How does he do that?Copy !req
73. - Uh, magnificent.
- Whoo, whoo!Copy !req
74. - And let's give one
to Bret here.Copy !req
75. It's a parting gift.
Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
76. - Thank you.
- You earned it.Copy !req
77. - Oh, that's how
it's gonna be, huh?Copy !req
78. This nerd show up
for one day to do my job.Copy !req
79. I'm here every day.Copy !req
80. Y'all never
gave me a T-shirt.Copy !req
81. - Montez, that's because
you're not an I.T. guy.Copy !req
82. - Okay, I'm not an I.T. guy.Copy !req
83. All right, who took that
pornado off his computer, hmm?Copy !req
84. Who sent y'all
all them dope web videos?Copy !req
85. Remember
that Chocolate Rain, huh?Copy !req
86. What about that GIFCopy !req
87. where the penguin fell
through the ice?Copy !req
88. - Yeah.
- Remember that one?Copy !req
89. And that
Leroy Jenkins joint?Copy !req
90. That was next level.Copy !req
91. - Yeah, that was good,Copy !req
92. but it came out,
like, five years ago, so...Copy !req
93. - You don't respect
the classics.Copy !req
94. What's next?
He gonna buttfuck Mozart?Copy !req
95. - Ew.
- Here you go.Copy !req
96. - I appreciate it.Copy !req
97. Waymond,
look what they gave me.Copy !req
98. Nuh, ah! That's not for you.
Come on.Copy !req
99. You always trying to
get stuff that's not yours.Copy !req
100. - That was nice of you.
- Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
101. - Good job.
- Oh!Copy !req
102. - You okay?Copy !req
103. - Here, spit it out.Copy !req
104. - Are you ready to go
camping tonight, brother?Copy !req
105. - Roger that, Ranger Rick.
We are all set.Copy !req
106. Got those 'shrooms from Karl
that he brought from Chico.Copy !req
107. I'm talking brain melter.Copy !req
108. - I don't even know
if I wanna do any.Copy !req
109. - What?
- I'm scared.Copy !req
110. You know what?
I'll do a couple.Copy !req
111. - Ha-ha!
That's my guy.Copy !req
112. - One or two.
Not too many, though.Copy !req
113. I wanna be appropriate
with those, for sure.Copy !req
114. - Wanna do some right now?
- HeyCopy !req
115. - Hey, dickholes.
- Alice, hey.Copy !req
116. - So I don't know
if you heard this or not,Copy !req
117. but there's been
a series of burglariesCopy !req
118. in cars in the area.Copy !req
119. Anyway, we're gonna be
beefing up security,Copy !req
120. so I just wanted
to let you know that.Copy !req
121. - I hope they don't put
any language alarms in,Copy !req
122. because you cuss a lot.Copy !req
123. - You won't need
too much extra security,Copy !req
124. because we've already got
Sirs Vei and Lance right here.Copy !req
125. Surs... veillance, vey.Copy !req
126. - What the fuck
does that mean?Copy !req
127. - Anyways, I could
walk you to your car tonightCopy !req
128. if you were worried
about the burglars.Copy !req
129. - Wow.
Adam, that would be-Copy !req
130. actually, that
would be really great.Copy !req
131. - Really'?Copy !req
132. - No, you fuckhead.
Of course not.Copy !req
133. - Ah.Copy !req
134. - You think
walking to my carCopy !req
135. with a four-foot
12-year-oldCopy !req
136. is really gonna
spook away any bad guys?Copy !req
137. I don't think so.
- Four-foot-tall 12-year-old...Copy !req
138. I can bench-press 220,
so whatever.Copy !req
139. - Just shut up, Adam.
- Right on.Copy !req
140. - Hey.Copy !req
141. - And it turns out
the whole entire camp...Copy !req
142. was haunted.Copy !req
143. - Oh.
That was scary!Copy !req
144. Bro, you totally just
N. Mike Salomon-ed me.Copy !req
145. - N. Mike.
Now he's a real storyteller.Copy !req
146. - Dude,
tell that story again.Copy !req
147. But this time...Copy !req
148. on 'shrooms.Copy !req
149. - Ooh. Okeydoke.Copy !req
150. - Please don't;
I don't need to hear aboutCopy !req
151. how some guy is getting raped
with a buzz saw again.Copy !req
152. - Uh, it was
a chainsaw, Ders.Copy !req
153. How's a ghost gonna rape
someone with a buzz saw?Copy !req
154. Idiot.Copy !req
155. - Either way, come get some
of Karl's grody toadstools.Copy !req
156. - Yum.
- Mmm.Copy !req
157. - Mmm.
- Mmm.Copy !req
158. - Ders,
you want in on this?Copy !req
159. - I think Ders should
maybe take a little naparoo,Copy !req
160. let us wolves howl
at the moon like we do.Copy !req
161. - A-ow!Copy !req
162. I'm a coyote
with sunglasses.Copy !req
163. - Yeah, you are.
Woof.Copy !req
164. - Okay, first of all, dickheads,
I'm not going to bed.Copy !req
165. It's 7:45.Copy !req
166. And secondly,
why do you thinkCopy !req
167. I would let you drink
all my KahluaCopy !req
168. and not
expect me to wantCopy !req
169. some of your drug stuff
in return?Copy !req
170. - This will make
your brain go all like...Copy !req
171. and you can't handle that.Copy !req
172. - Adam, I can
do a drug, okay?Copy !req
173. I can drop 'shrooms.Copy !req
174. Plus, I don't wanna
babysit you guys all night.Copy !req
175. - Hey, Adam...
Ders can have one.Copy !req
176. A little doggy,
a little pup.Copy !req
177. But, hey, don't you
flip out on me.Copy !req
178. I don't want you
just throwing 'bows, okay?Copy !req
179. Gotta be cool.Copy !req
180. - Blake,
I'm a pretty cool guy.Copy !req
181. Get with the showgram.Copy !req
182. - To me, they taste
like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.Copy !req
183. Minus the cinnamon.Copy !req
184. And the crunch as well.Copy !req
185. - Oh, my God,
you guys do these a lot?Copy !req
186. 'Cause they're gross.Copy !req
187. It tastes
like what I thinkCopy !req
188. Rumpelstiltskin
might taste like.Copy !req
189. - They're good, right?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
190. Do your legs
feel like puddings?Copy !req
191. - Swimming in
the swimming pool of life.Copy !req
192. - Imagine
this is the nucleus,Copy !req
193. and we're
all little neurons.Copy !req
194. - Are we in the lighthouse?Copy !req
195. - Will you take
this world by storm?Copy !req
196. - Ch, my God! Oh, my God!Copy !req
197. - This one goes out to
the late, great John Candy, mon!Copy !req
198. - We are the bobsled team.Copy !req
199. - Mamasay, mamasah,
macoosah.Copy !req
200. - Am I tripping, or did
I just see two dudes in there?Copy !req
201. - We've got company.Copy !req
202. - Take it down.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.Copy !req
203. - Ow, who is that? Adam?
- That's okay.Copy !req
204. - Go, go, go.
- Let it down easy.Copy !req
205. Let her down easy.
- Shh, quiet.Copy !req
206. - There are actual
robbers here right now!Copy !req
207. Is anyone gonna
help me deflate this?Copy !req
208. - Oh, so now you wanna go
on a magic carpet ride, huh?Copy !req
209. - I just wanna have
a plan to get out of here.Copy !req
210. - We could start robbing
the place ourselves,Copy !req
211. and then when we see
the burglars we can be like,Copy !req
212. 'What are you guys doing here?
You guys are burglaring this?Copy !req
213. I thought
we had this today."Copy !req
214. - Are you insane?
I'm calling the cops.Copy !req
215. - Ugh.
Get over yourself.Copy !req
216. - What the hell
are you doing?Copy !req
217. - Okay, no.
All right?Copy !req
218. Because I'm pretty sureCopy !req
219. we have broken more laws
than the burglars.Copy !req
220. We're trespassing.Copy !req
221. I did some things
in the girls' bathroomCopy !req
222. I shouldn't talk about,Copy !req
223. and we have a ton of drugs.Copy !req
224. - Do we?
I can take care of that for us.Copy !req
225. Teamwork for my friends.Copy !req
226. - Okay, is that the smartest
thing to do right now?Copy !req
227. Get more 'shroomed out?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
228. Ders, this is our night
at the museum, okay?Copy !req
229. And this exhibit,
he's coming to life.Copy !req
230. - How many 'shrooms
have you dropped?Copy !req
231. - A lot.
- How many?Copy !req
232. How many 'shrooms
have you dropped?Copy !req
233. How many 'shrooms have
you dropped?Copy !req
234. - A lot.
- Hey, I've got it.Copy !req
235. It's so obvious.
It's so simple.Copy !req
236. They'll
never see it coming.Copy !req
237. Let's walk right out
the front door.Copy !req
238. - Blake!Copy !req
239. You're the smartest guy
I know.Copy !req
240. You're like Bo Jackson.
- Adam...Copy !req
241. Inside voices.Copy !req
242. - Oh, my God, we're dead.
We're dead, we're dead.Copy !req
243. - We're not gonna
get murdered, Ders.Copy !req
244. We're not gonna
get stabbed repeatedlyCopy !req
245. in the face and body,
and left for dead.Copy !req
246. - Adam, the entire building
is locked down.Copy !req
247. The front door's
the only way out.Copy !req
248. I think one of those guys
had a gun on his person.Copy !req
249. - No, that's it.
It's so obvious; it's so simple.Copy !req
250. They'll
never see it coming.Copy !req
251. We go through the biggest
front door of them all...Copy !req
252. the roof.Copy !req
253. Let's go.Copy !req
254. Shh.Copy !req
255. - Okay, cool,
where's the fire escape?Copy !req
256. - Well, there is
no fire escape,Copy !req
257. but maybe you've heard
of the classic taleCopy !req
258. by . . . who wrote Rapunzel?Copy !req
259. - What are
you talking about?Copy !req
260. - Whatever, I'll jump.
I don't care, dude.Copy !req
261. - Please do.
- No, no, I'm serious.Copy !req
262. Like, we should ponytail
our clothes together,Copy !req
263. and Rapunzel down.Copy !req
264. - You mean rappel.
- No, Rapunzel.Copy !req
265. Actually, curiously,Copy !req
266. that's where the word
"rappel" comes from.Copy !req
267. "Rapunzel."
- No, it's not.Copy !req
268. But that's not
a bad idea; I'm in.Copy !req
269. - Okay.Copy !req
270. - Are you guys cold?Copy !req
271. What?
They're Spanx, all right?Copy !req
272. Haven't been
to the gym a lot lately,Copy !req
273. and they keep me tight.Copy !req
274. - Is that why you're flexing?Copy !req
275. - I'm not flexing
right now, dude.Copy !req
276. Are you flexing?
- Definitely not flexing.Copy !req
277. - You're flexing for sure.
- No, you're flexing.Copy !req
278. - No, you're flexing, dude.
- I'm not flexing right now.Copy !req
279. - I'm a stress eater.Copy !req
280. And I've been eating
a lot lately,Copy !req
281. so I need Spanx.Copy !req
282. - Okay, yes.
- Are you okay with that?Copy !req
283. - You're stress eating
some high-class boomers.Copy !req
284. I need you focused.Copy !req
285. - Fine,
I'm the best thrower anyway.Copy !req
286. - No, no, no, no.
Don't, don't, don't!Copy !req
287. What are you doing?
- Stop!Copy !req
288. Stop!
Stop, Stop!Copy !req
289. Stop it, Adam!
Stop!Copy !req
290. Sto-you're
not listening!Copy !req
291. - We should start bringing
guns to work, man.Copy !req
292. Then we wouldn't have
this issue, like, ever.Copy !req
293. We would just be like,
"You're robbing us?"Copy !req
294. - Yeah, absolutely.Copy !req
295. Guns are at least,
or two-handed swords.Copy !req
296. - Sword?
Cut me, bro.Copy !req
297. Cut me-
bro.Copy !req
298. - Shut up.Copy !req
299. Are you trying
to get me killed?Copy !req
300. - Are you flexing again?
- No.Copy !req
301. - You look like you are.Copy !req
302. - I'm not flexing right now.
You are.Copy !req
303. - Yeah, I always am.Copy !req
304. And you need to take
some time out of your dayCopy !req
305. and work on your body,Copy !req
306. 'cause it's
an embarrassment, bro.Copy !req
307. - Come on, let's go.
We're not safe here anymore.Copy !req
308. - Whoa.
I just got an awesome idea.Copy !req
309. - Stop it.Copy !req
310. Those 'shrooms
you made me takeCopy !req
311. are making me
sick to my stomach.Copy !req
312. - Whoa, whoa, whoa,
brother.Copy !req
313. Those 'shrooms
were all you, buddy.Copy !req
314. - Ders, succumbing
to peer pressure.Copy !req
315. What's new, Ders?
- I don't do that.Copy !req
316. - What's new, Ders?
- We have to get out of here.Copy !req
317. We have to go!
- Can fly in this thing.Copy !req
318. - Adam, you can't fly.Copy !req
319. - I'm like one of those dragons
from Avatar, remember?Copy !req
320. They flew on them.
They were like...Copy !req
321. ' Shh!
Stop.Copy !req
322. Adam, stop.Copy !req
323. Adam, I cannot
handle this anymore.Copy !req
324. I'm gonna go wait
in the bathroom.Copy !req
325. - Stop it.Copy !req
326. I'm going to the bathroom.Copy !req
327. - Bye-bye
TTYL.Copy !req
328. LOL. JK.Copy !req
329. - Give me the stapler.Copy !req
330. Not about to be
the only guy without it.Copy !req
331. - How many?
- Two.Copy !req
332. There you go again,
overachieving.Copy !req
333. Miss you, dude.Copy !req
334. - Ahh.Copy !req
335. Oh, man,
that's cool-looking.Copy !req
336. God damn it.Copy !req
337. - I got you, baby.Copy !req
338. - Whoa.Copy !req
339. Dude, he just sent me
a picture of a knife.Copy !req
340. I think he might
really be in trouble.Copy !req
341. - Oh, my God,
a photo of a knife?Copy !req
342. Terrifying.Copy !req
343. I've got about
two more hours on this,Copy !req
344. and then
we'll get to go home.Copy !req
345. Okay?
Believe in me.Copy !req
346. - Adam,
you know our motto.Copy !req
347. No Ders left behind.Copy !req
348. - The thing about
Ders is...Copy !req
349. he's supposed to die
tonight.Copy !req
350. I'm on a real spiritual high
right now, brother.Copy !req
351. Real high.Copy !req
352. It's the prophecy.Copy !req
353. It was foretold, like,
a 1,000 years before dinosaurs.Copy !req
354. - And as cool as that sounds,Copy !req
355. how awesome would it be
to deny the prophecy?Copy !req
356. - Let's do it
for the dinosaurs.Copy !req
357. - What does that mean?Copy !req
358. - I think that means
let's go save Ders.Copy !req
359. - All right.
- Okay.Copy !req
360. - Well, well, well.Copy !req
361. The server room.
What are these guys up to?Copy !req
362. - Jackpot.Copy !req
363. - This is bigger
than we thought.Copy !req
364. No, please don't cut me.Copy !req
365. You came back.Copy !req
366. I almost just killed you.Copy !req
367. - Are you okay?Copy !req
368. - I've been
nothing but worried.Copy !req
369. - I shouldn't
have left you guys.Copy !req
370. You guys are my rocks.Copy !req
371. Thank you.Copy !req
372. Look, we are not safe here.Copy !req
373. - No one's safe.Copy !req
374. They got in the server room,
hacked into the networks.Copy !req
375. - I know I'm really high
right now, guys,Copy !req
376. but I don't think
I'm exaggeratingCopy !req
377. when I say this goes all
the way up to the vice presidentCopy !req
378. of the continental
United States of America.Copy !req
379. - Biden.Copy !req
380. How are we
gonna get out of here?Copy !req
381. - We aren't.Copy !req
382. We've gotta
stand up for justice.Copy !req
383. We're gonna
protect what's oursCopy !req
384. and take back
what we never had,Copy !req
385. because if the History Channel
taught us anythingCopy !req
386. besides the culture
of ice road trucking,Copy !req
387. it's that history defines men
by moments and shit.Copy !req
388. And gentledudes,
this is our moment.Copy !req
389. Because if we don't learn
from History Channel...Copy !req
390. we're doomed to repeat
History Channel.Copy !req
391. - Let's go kill these dudes.Copy !req
392. - I didn't cry
for no reason.Copy !req
393. - Okay, so what are
we looking at here?Copy !req
394. - This is
the burglar buster.Copy !req
395. It's basically the Eliminator
from American Gladiators,Copy !req
396. mixed with all the cool
laser parts from Entrapment-Copy !req
397. you know, the
Catherine Zeta-Jones vehicle.Copy !req
398. - Yeah, it's a classic.Copy !req
399. But how do we know
this is going to work?Copy !req
400. - Because it was designed
by the best.Copy !req
401. - I'll get on the P.A.
to get their attention.Copy !req
402. Then using Adam as bait,Copy !req
403. we lure them
through our gauntlet.Copy !req
404. First up,
the Lazer Jungle.Copy !req
405. - What's that
supposed to do?Copy !req
406. - Physically?
Nothing.Copy !req
407. But mentally...
total destruction.Copy !req
408. - Ooh, I like that.Copy !req
409. - Then Adam triggers the
Water Jug Pendulums of Death,Copy !req
410. driving them into...Copy !req
411. our Ether-Net,Copy !req
412. which, you guessed it,
is a net of ethernet cables.Copy !req
413. And if these guys happen
to be super-shredder statusCopy !req
414. and get through
all of that,Copy !req
415. then I'll be there with
our Last Line of Defense:Copy !req
416. just plain old
sharpened broomsticks,Copy !req
417. just like that scene
in Braveheant.Copy !req
418. - All right, let's do this.Copy !req
419. - We're doing it.Copy !req
420. - Warning.Copy !req
421. You have activated
the laser alarm system.Copy !req
422. These are
not laser pointers.Copy !req
423. They're real lasers
that burn through human flesh.Copy !req
424. You're probably like...
lasers in an office buil...Copy !req
425. Anyways, you should be
really freaked out.Copy !req
426. Adam, that's your cue.Copy !req
427. - Leroy... Jenkins!Copy !req
428. - God damn it, Leroy.Copy !req
429. - Sorry.
I had to do it.Copy !req
430. I'm kind of a maverick,Copy !req
431. and I just don't
give a shoot, you know?Copy !req
432. You guys feel me,
though, right?Copy !req
433. - I feel you.
You're like my new hero.Copy !req
434. - Maybe we should
tie them up.Copy !req
435. - Okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
436. - So you thought
you could just come in hereCopy !req
437. and throw down on our turf?Copy !req
438. On our turf?
That's what you thought?Copy !req
439. - I guess you guys
forgot to expectCopy !req
440. the unexpected!Copy !req
441. - Like I said,
I'm with tech support.Copy !req
442. I met you, like,
six hours ago.Copy !req
443. This is my part-
this is my partner, Corey.Copy !req
444. - Oh, very clever.Copy !req
445. So you come in
during the dayCopy !req
446. hidden in plain sight
to case the joint.Copy !req
447. - You are not
gonna get the codes.Copy !req
448. But you will tell us
what Joe Biden's after.Copy !req
449. - What does
Joe Biden want?Copy !req
450. - Please,
just don't hurt us.Copy !req
451. Us hurt you?Copy !req
452. That's hilarious;
we're not the onesCopy !req
453. dropping knives
in bathrooms.Copy !req
454. That's right.
I was in there watching you.Copy !req
455. - I carry a knife with me
because I was sexually assaultedCopy !req
456. in a mall food court
last spring.Copy !req
457. Sorry I like
to feel protected.Copy !req
458. - I'm sorry.Copy !req
459. - We're just here
to reboot the system.Copy !req
460. We can't-we can't
do it during the dayCopy !req
461. when the servers
are in use.Copy !req
462. - Right!
- Yeah.Copy !req
463. Okay! Like I can't
test your little lie, buddy?Copy !req
464. I can just open up
a program right here-Copy !req
465. holy shit,
this is fast.Copy !req
466. Did you install
Snow Leopard for PC on this?Copy !req
467. - No way, let me see.
- This is good.Copy !req
468. - Wow, look at all those tabs.Copy !req
469. - Wait, are you printing
and watching a video?Copy !req
470. - I don't know
what I'm doing right now.Copy !req
471. Um, so hey, um...Copy !req
472. our collective bad.Copy !req
473. I could've sworn
you had a gun.Copy !req
474. Nope, that's a pager.
You still got one of those.Copy !req
475. - That's a common mistake.Copy !req
476. So...Copy !req
477. do you guys like 'shrooms?Copy !req
478. Yes, please.Copy !req
479. - Nice.Copy !req