Whose Line Is It Anyway? 7x1

Directed by

Chris Hardwick as Self • Charles Esten as Self

Guests: comic Charles Esten and TV host Chris Hardwick. Games performed: Questions (with Hats), Moving People, Song Styles, Scenes from a Hat, Helping Hands.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. (Drew) 'Good evening, everybody, and welcome to'

2. '"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"'

3. 'On tonight's show'

4. '"Man of Steel," Brad Sherwood.'

5. '"Leaps tall buildings," Wayne Brady.'

6. '"Faster than a speeding bullet," Colin Mochrie.'

7. 'And their trusted sidekick Ryan Stiles.'

8. I am your host, Drew Carey. Come on down let's have some fun.

9. Hey, hello.

10. Welcome to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

11. The show where everything is made up

12. and the points don't matter. That's right.

13. The points are like what your girlfriend says

14. when the game is on.

15. Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah.

16. Let's get started with a game called "Superheroes."

17. This is for everybody. "Superheroes."

18. Brad is gonna start.

19. 'What I need is, uh'

20. this section over here, give me a name

21. of an unlikely superhero.

22. (Drew) 'What?'

23. - Captain Clean. - Tom Arnold.

24. Tom, Tom Arnold.

25. Tom Arnold. No, just Tom Arnold.

26. I think that's really funny. You're gonna be, uh..

27. superhero.. Hi, Tom, how you doing?

28. This is gonna be Superhero Tom Arnold

29. and, uh..

30. Uh, somewhere over here there's a..

31. Tell me what crisis there is in the world.

32. (female #1) 'Shortage of ceramic.'

33. No ceramic.

34. (Drew) 'Shortage of ceramic.'

35. So, what's gonna happen is, he's gonna start out

36. as this, uh, unlikely superhero

37. and they're gonna name each other as they come in.

38. Try to screw each other up.

39. 'They're all gonna be different superheroes.'

40. Brad, you are Tom Arnold

41. and there's a shortage of ceramic in the world.

42. What are you gonna do?

43. Okay, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake.

44. Uh, I can't remember if I'm still famous or not.

45. Oh, am I famous? Uh, uh, ooh, uh, uh.

46. Uh, I gotta do something crazy.

47. I gotta get arrested or marry

48. another really famous fat girl.

49. Ah-ah, ah. Let's see, uh, uh.

50. Uh, oh, my God, we're out of, uh, ceramic.

51. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

52. Well, well, I can break my giant Buddha

53. of Roseanne up into pieces.

54. No, that won't work. Uh!

55. Oh, if only I still did drugs.

56. Ooh, gosh!

57. What am I gonna do? Oh, I'm sweating.

58. Maybe I'll have some more caffeine.

59. - Ah! - Sorry, I'm late.

60. And may I just say you deserve every penny you made.

61. Oh, I just wanna say, good thing you're here.

62. The guy who channels the spirits of farm animals.

63. - Welcome to my house. - Oh..

64. Hey! You look like Roseanne.

65. Oh!

66. Huh, looks like I got here in the knick-knack of time.

67. Ooh, yes. Ooh.

68. Thank God you're here, Captain Streaker.

69. Ooh.

70. Hey, you look like Roseanne.

71. That looks like my ex-wife's butt, only smaller.

72. Sorry, I'm.. Ha, ha, ha.

73. Hey, it's cold in here.

74. - Very cold. - It's really cold.

75. Thank God you're here, the man who mimics everyone

76. while under caffeine.

77. Hey, you look like my wife.

78. That's really fucking annoying.

79. He's so funny. Ha, ha, ha.

80. Ah, I gotta go register my weapon.

81. Small caliber.

82. Ooh. Ah.

83. Hey..

84. he just laid an egg, kinda like my career.

85. You know, if you had a black wig, you'd kinda look like my..

86. I would not look like Roseanne if I had a black wig.

87. But how about now?

88. I was talking about his most recent ex-wife.

89. Oh, thank you very much. That was great.

90. And, uh, hi, Tom, wherever you are.

91. Nice.. Hope-hope you're enjoying the show.

92. Let's go on to a game called, "Film Dub."

93. It's for four of you.

94. (Drew) '"Film Dub." All four of you. "Film Dub".'

95. Uh, these guys are in front of these monitors here.

96. 'Cause, uh, we're gonna show them a piece of film.

97. 'We've taken the sound out of it.'

98. 'And they have to make up their own dialogue'

99. 'to the scene we're gonna give them.'

100. The scene I'd like you to improvise is

101. "One day at the doctor's office."

102. (Ryan) 'Do we really need all these people in here?'

103. 'It seems like a lot of doctors.'

104. 'That guy's not even a doctor. He's a baker.'

105. (Wayne imitating woman) 'Listen you're delirious because of your ailments.'

106. 'You just have to listen to me. I'm a professional.'

107. (Ryan) 'Aah! Aah!'

108. 'Ah ho ra ho ra ho ra.'

109. 'Aah! Aah!'

110. (Brad) 'When do we get a chance to cut him open, huh?'

111. - 'I want—' - 'What's wrong?'

112. (Colin) 'Uh.. Oh!'

113. (Wayne) 'You been.. You've apparently eaten too many sea monkeys.'

114. (Ryan) 'I don't remember..'

115. (Wayne) 'I don't know what's wrong?'

116. 'You, you really should chew them better.'

117. (Ryan) 'Aah! No wonder I've got the trots.'

118. - 'That's right.' - 'Oh, why my lips so badly—'

119. - 'Aah!' - 'I want a refund!'

120. (Colin) 'I just wanted my warts removed.'

121. (Brad) 'Hey, you look like Roseanne.'

122. (Wayne) 'Oh no! Please. Throw the torch.'

123. (Colin) 'Oh! Oh, no! I don't smoke.'

124. (Wayne) 'Aah!'

125. (Colin) 'Aah! Oh, I'm so drunk.'

126. Thousand points a piece. That was wonderful.

127. Oh, you're just throwin' away the points now.

128. Yeah. Well, we got 'em. Might as well share 'em.

129. Let's go on to a game called..

130. Let's go on to a game called, "Infomercials."

131. For Ryan and Colin.

132. Uh, now what I need from the audience

133. 'is a suggestion of a personal problem'

134. 'that you have that would be approved by miracle products.'

135. Somebody from over here.

136. - 'Yeast infection.' - 'Deo!'

137. (Drew) 'Body odor.'

138. Body odor. Body odor.

139. Body odor. Body odor. Body odor.

140. What's gonna happen is, uh, you're gonna be selling me

141. a body odor improvement product.

142. And you have to use the items that are in the box to sell it.

143. And you're on an, infomercial. Take it away, Ryan and Colin.

144. It's four o'clock. And it's time to shop, shop, shop.

145. - I'm Billy. - I'm Bob.

146. And we're here to talk to you about..

147. (both) Ooh, body odor!

148. - Hey.. Go ahead. - Oh, go ahead!

149. Body odor is something that attacks everyone.

150. But it's not something you have to live

151. with for the rest of your life.

152. That's right. There's many ways to deal with this.

153. Of course there's the old way

154. where you get your family to wear these.

155. Then you know this is the 21st century.

156. Sure, there's easy ways around it. You can wear this.

157. Sure, you can have one of these

158. and breathe above where the body odor is.

159. But that doesn't help other people. Does it?

160. Hey, what you got there?

161. This is a model it shows you how body odor travels.

162. (Ryan) 'Huh!'

163. - Say this is the armpit. - Uh-huh.

164. The odor moves its way over to the nose.

165. It can go everywhere into the nose.

166. Pee-you.

167. That's right, what we have to do is stop it in its track

168. before it leaves the armpit and gets to your nose.

169. That's right.

170. But that's hard to do

171. 'cause you can't see body odor, can you?

172. Unless you magnify it 5000 times.

173. These are the little body odor bumps.

174. This is where the smell comes from.

175. These little body odor bumps are called B-O-B's or Bob's.

176. Phone us. Give us a call.

177. Don't delay, 'cause if you keep that body odor..

178. .. this is the only kind of girl you're gonna be dating.

179. Ooh, you smell bad, but I love you. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

180. - We don't want that, do we? - No.

181. Ryan, why don't you explain this?

182. Alrighty.

183. Some people have problems after they lose their body odor.

184. Hey, where'd it go? I feel lonely, different.

185. Life's not the same.

186. That's why we will store some

187. of your old body odor in this tube.

188. Hey, that's the old me.

189. Don't know what the hell this is?

190. And finally, this is your world with body odor.

191. This is your world without body odor.

192. Oh, man.

193. I'm sorry, girl. He didn't mean to do that.

194. Okay, thank you very much, we'll be right back with more

195. "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" right after this. Don't go away.

196. Welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

197. the show where things are made up and points don't matter.

198. Hey, time to congratulate our very own Colin Mochrie

199. for being named "People" magazine of Canada's

200. "Sexiest man alive."

201. If you don't believe me drive up to Canada

202. and check for yourself.

203. (Drew) 'We're gonna continue the show'

204. with a game called..."Party Quirks."

205. 'Brad is the host.'

206. 'And that one's not for you, Brad.'

207. 'On these cards are these guys'

208. 'We're givin' them each with a strange quirk identity.'

209. 'Brad has to guess what this quirk identity is.'

210. I know, it's great. I got them right here too.

211. They're hilarious. Uh, why don't you line over there.

212. 'I'll bring you one at a time into the party'

213. 'that Brad's throwing.'

214. And with the doorbell, Brad whenever you're ready, start.

215. Hmm, what do I do? I fiddle-faddle.

216. Ooh, finally! I've been here for an hour and a half.

217. - Hello. Hi! - Hi!

218. Hey, great party. Great party! This is really cool.

219. Good to see ya. Good to see ya. Nice to see ya. Nice to see ya.

220. Nice to see ya. Nice to..

221. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Nice to..

222. Yeah! Whoo! Mind if I get some beer?

223. I don't think I want any other party guests.

224. Oh, alright! Hello!

225. What a, what a fun party. Uh, oh, let me..

226. Hello! Hello, come on in.

227. Stop ringing the doorbell.

228. Hand over your money or I'm gonna blow off my head.

229. That, that seems, seems like a win-win situation.

230. I'll just.. I'll take it back from you when you're dead.

231. Hey-hey, you're opening my TV. What a..

232. Have you met my friend? And him? What a great party.

233. I'm gonna go upstairs and take a nap.

234. You guys just have a good time.

235. Oh, I should probably identify—

236. This one is too tall. Another dance whirl.

237. You've probably met my narcoleptic robot friend.

238. No. Close, but—

239. Recharged by my love.

240. No, recharged by what?

241. By, by kissing.

242. (Drew) 'People's what?'

243. Kissing people heads and faces.

244. Yes.

245. Do you have anymore vodka?

246. Well, it's.. Have you met my friend..

247. - Ugh! Aah! - My friends..

248. This is a note on the back of one of my personalized checks.

249. Here's my license if there's a problem.

250. This says eggs, butter, cheese.

251. You can have everything in the fridge.

252. Have you met the dancing Mikhail Gorbachev?

253. (Drew) 'Yes..'

254. Russian ballet dancer. Close enough.

255. And you must be America's dumbest criminal.

256. Here's your driver's license. Congratulations.

257. That was fantastic.

258. Wow! That was great!

259. Let's go on to a game called..."Greatest hits."

260. This is for everybody with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.

261. It's for everybody. Everybody on the show.

262. We got this. We got it.

263. Uh, one of you from the audience.

264. This end section over here.

265. Uh, what you wanted to be when you grew up?

266. - Truck driver. - President.

267. Uh, president!

268. So, it's songs of the president. Take it away, Ryan and Colin.

269. Hi, we'll be right back to Jerry Vandyke, Jerry Vale, Jerry Louis

270. and Jerry the cartoon mouse

271. and Anton Chekhov the Jerry Orchard

272. in just a second.

273. But first, have we got the deal for you?

274. You know as long there's been presidents

275. there have been songs celebrating the Presidents.

276. One there was even a dance.

277. Yeah, there was, uh, dance for-for John Adams.

278. It was called the John Adam's dance. It didn't go very far.

279. You, you didn't sleep well last night.

280. No, I'm very tired.

281. (Colin) 'You know..'

282. I'm doing the John Adams.

283. You know a few years back, there was a new wave of music

284. and, uh, I was first to get

285. my metaphorical surfboard and go on that new wave.

286. Ooh, that's a big word for a Canadian.

287. Yeah.

288. If you want I can talk slower.

289. Anyway, one of the first people running that crest of new wave..

290. Let-Let the wind just go over the metaphor.

291. Great.

292. As of course the talking heads.

293. Oh.

294. I know, yeah.

295. And who can forget that great talking heads tune.

296. That White House is big.

297. - Hey, Carl. - Yeah.

298. What comes to mind when I

299. mention you, me and our wives?

300. Yes, yes. I'm talking about swing.

301. One of my favorite music styles of all time.

302. And many a nights I danced away to that big swing hit

303. "I'm lying, he's lying, we're all lying."

304. (Drew) 'Thank you very much, we'll be right back'

305. to find out who the winner is, don't go away.

306. Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

307. Colin is the winner tonight. Colin Mochrie from Canada.

308. And what we did from before during the break

309. is we got Jordy here a student from Australia.

310. (male #1) 'Jody.'

311. - Jody? - 'She's not American.'

312. Thought you said Jordy.

313. - 'Oh, I'm sorry.' - It's my accent.

314. - 'And we got Jody.' - 'Jody.'

315. - She's from.. Yeah. - Jody.

316. She's from Australia.

317. We got her. She's a student from Australia.

318. We got her to sit on the stool.

319. And with Laura Hall, Linda Taylor, we're gonna sing

320. a 300 love way..

321. We're gonna sing a Broadway love song to her.

322. That's a different scene.

323. - We're gonna sing— - That's a different game, Drew.

324. Broadway love song to her. It's a strange 300 Broadway.

325. Star, with the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.

326. 'And uh..'

327. And this section over here, give us a suggestion.

328. When I touch your blank.

329. Kangaroo. Sounds great.

330. Alright, touch your kangaroo.

331. To Jody, one word at a time. Thanks, folks.

332. Is it kangaroo or is it kangara?

333. - Kangaroo. - Kangara.

334. - Thank you so much. - Thanks, Jody.

335. We'll be right back with "Whose Line" after this. Hey my hug.

336. Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

337. Tonight I picked Ryan and Colin to read the credits for you.

338. And I want you guys to read the credits

339. as the worlds dumbest criminals.

340. Thanks for watching, everybody. Goodnight.

341. We're suppose to read the credits right.

342. - No. - Let's take the TV.

343. Okay.

344. Danny Breen.

345. - Read it while I run. - Hey, wait.

346. - There's a guy with a gun - What?

347. The guy with the gun.

348. - I'm taking the TV. - I got his gun.

349. Shoot yourself.