Whose Line Is It Anyway? 5x6

Directed by

Kearran Giovanni as Self • Jonathan Mangum as Self

Guests: comic Jonathan Mangum, plus actor Kearran Giovanni.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

2. On tonight's show,

3. up and at 'em,

4. Wayne Brady!

5. The early bird gets the worm

6. Kathy Greenwood!

7. Rise and shine,

8. Colin Mochrie!

9. And...

10. uh, just give me ten more minutes,

11. Ryan Stiles!

12. I'm your host Drew Carey.

13. Come on, let's have some fun.

14. Oh, hello, everybody. How you doin'?

15. Thank you very much. Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

16. The show where everything's made up

17. and the points don't matter.

18. That's right, the points are just like a great spam recipe.

19. Who cares one way or the other, about the points?

20. Uh, we got a lot of show to get to.

21. Let's get it started with a game called

22. "Questions Only." This is for all four of you.

23. Kathy and Wayne, you're gonna start a scene.

24. But they can only speak in questions,

25. and here's the scene.

26. The scene is, it's in, in an alternative version of The Wizard of Oz,

27. Dorothy arrives in Munchkinland,

28. where things have taken a turn for the worse.

29. It's kind of a little contest to see who can stand here the longest.

30. Take it away, "Questions Only."

31. Can you tell me where I am?

32. Don't you recognize me?

33. Huh, are you The Cowardly Lion?

34. How 'bout we skip over to my house,

35. for a little dinner?

36. Are you trying to seduce me?

37. Where's your dog?

38. Can't you get me back to Kansas?

39. You willing to pay the price?

40. Why not?

41. Oh, I didn't expect that.

42. Ever see a Munchkin this big?

43. Listen, can you help me or can't you?

44. Who's askin'?

45. - Don't you know who I am?

46. Who?

47. Do you represent the Lollipop Guild?

48. Do you have a subpoena?

49. Are you ready to go out and strike?

50. For what?

51. Don't, don't you get...

52. Don't you know what you do?

53. Do I have to tell everything?

54. You're not some sort of union scab, are you?

55. You're... crazy.

56. Are there any job openings for flying monkeys?

57. Do you have any experience?

58. Are you a red bum or a blue bum?

59. Would you believe that I'm neither?

60. Do you have any experience?

61. How 'bout four years of tormenting travelers

62. on the yellow brick road and...

63. uh, hurling...

64. Nice try.

65. Did you just drop another tab

66. Did I do it over there or over there?

67. Are you gonna help me get home?

68. Can you help me get a brain?

69. Would you get off my back?

70. Do you know what's it's like to have a pole

71. shoved up your butt for three years?

72. Why, yes I do know what it's like to have a pole

73. shoved up my butt.

74. Now, let's go on to a game called "Newsflash."

75. This is for Ryan, Kathy and Colin.

76. Uh, Ryan and Kathy are gonna be two news anchors in a studio.

77. Colin's going out on the field as a field reporter,

78. covering a breaking news story.

79. As you can see,

80. here in the studio audience,

81. he's standing in front of a thing,

82. we call it a green screen.

83. He can't see what's behind him, at all.

84. It's all gonna be a big guessing game with him

85. based on suggestions that Kathy and Ryan are gonna give him so,

86. take it away, Kathy and Ryan.

87. You can have the Lexus, I'm taking the dog.

88. Oh, you ba...

89. Well, you shouldn't have messed around...

90. We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

91. We now go out into the field where ace reporter,

92. Colin Mochrie is on the scene.

93. Colin, can you hear us?

94. How you doin'?

95. Well, as you can see, things are slowing down a bit.

96. Colin, what brings you here?

97. - Well, this. Mmm-hmm.

98. This seemed to be happening,

99. so I thought I'd come along and...

100. just look at it for a while.

101. Something seems to be developing right now.

102. I think this story is about to break.

103. - Colin...

104. you seem really pumped by this story.

105. Oh, incredibly.

106. I am so excited about this entire...

107. thing right here.

108. I can stand and watch this for days.

109. I am so glad I am a part of this story.

110. This is very interesting right here.

111. Colin... - Yes?

112. Along the same vein,

113. - let me pose another question. - All right.

114. Oh, God!

115. You're really displaying a lot of strength,

116. staying there and remaining calm.

117. Well, of course I'm gonna be calm.

118. Of course, this entire thing could explode at any minute.

119. But I am here to make sure

120. things stay at an even keel.

121. Colin... - Yes?

122. A question on everyone's mind... - Yes?

123. Man or woman?

124. Why don't we just let a picture say a thousand words right now?

125. Maybe you should just knock off, get a six-pack

126. and head on back to the studio.

127. You know what, I'm gonna hang out with these people

128. 'cause they seem to be having... and I have the same clothes.

129. Oh, no.

130. No, no.

131. What were you watching?

132. A body-building contest.

133. - Yes!

134. I gotta say, Ryan, one day when you least expect it,

135. some big body-building chick's gonna leap out

136. in front of you and kick your ass.

137. You made fun of me, you made fun of me.

138. I don't know.

139. But a thousand points and some body oil to all of you.

140. Now, let's go on to a game called

141. "Song Styles."

142. This is for Wayne, with Laura Hall,

143. Linda Taylor and Cece Worrall.

144. Laura Hall, Linda Taylor and Cece Worall.

145. You there in the back, what do you do for a living?

146. - I work for UPS. - You work for UPS. What's your name?

147. - Naomi. - Naomi. Come on down here, Naomi.

148. Say hi to Wayne Brady.

149. There you go, miss. Go and have a seat.

150. Hey.

151. How you doin', ma'am?

152. Wayne, this is Naomi.

153. She works for, uh, UPS.

154. And you're gonna do a song to her, make up a song.

155. Uh, but everybody else is gonna help you out.

156. Right, guys, come down and get your wigs.

157. Uh, got 'em all. The Mets shirt, yeah, that's yours.

158. Oh. Oh, I don't have one.

159. - I guess... There's one there for you, Wayne.

160. - Oh! - No, there's one, Wayne.

161. - Thank you. How 'bout that, huh?

162. Linc, Julie, get down here right away, we got a big situation over here.

163. Hey!

164. Boy, this brings back memories.

165. Ryan looks like that dude from Room 222.

166. - Bernie. Bernie, yeah. Yeah, Bernie, from Room 222.

167. Uh, so anyway, you're gonna sing, uh...

168. Hey, Mr. Kotter, what's happening?

169. So, anyway, what's gonna happen is, uh...

170. you guys are gonna sing a song.

171. Yeah.

172. You're gonna do a 70s disco number.

173. And the other ones are gonna do back-up, uh, dancing

174. behind you while you do the 70s disco number,

175. to Naomi. Just take it away.

176. Yeah!

177. Yeah! Naomi, everybody, Naomi!

178. Thank you, Naomi.

179. You know who you look like?

180. No.

181. You look like Sideshow Bob.

182. I'll bet I do.

183. I look like Earle when he gets arrested on Cops all the time.

184. Remember that from...

185. - Uh, that was great. What's your problem?

186. Thank you. We'll be right back with more

187. Whose Line Is It Anyway? right after this, don't go away.

188. Hey, welcome back.

189. Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

190. The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

191. So, hey, great news during the, uh, during the commercial.

192. I just replaced Rice-A-Roni as The San-Francisco Treat.

193. - Oh. - Oh!

194. Uh, we're gonna get the show going with a game called...

195. "Infomercials" for Ryan and Colin.

196. Uh, you're gonna be two guys doing an infomercial about a new miracle product.

197. But they have to use all the items in this box,

198. as part of the pitch to sell the product.

199. Now, what I need from the audience

200. is I need you to suggest to me

201. a bad habit or personal problem

202. that could be cured by a miracle product.

203. Nail biting.

204. Oh, crowd favorite.

205. So, we're gonna use biting nails.

206. Uh, it's a nail-biting cure that you're gonna sell to us.

207. Take it away.

208. Put the kids to bed, get out the credit cards,

209. it's time to shop, shop, shop!

210. - Do you bite your nails? - Who doesn't?

211. Sometimes I chew half my fingers off.

212. Well, if you're starting to chew on the old toenails,

213. it's time to get help!

214. Hey, it happens.

215. That's right, you know,

216. nail-biting can be cured with simple techniques

217. that you can get in the drugstore.

218. But why go that way,

219. when you can buy our complicated product.

220. And it only seems complicated,

221. but in fact, it's as easy as falling off a horse...

222. underwater.

223. - Hey, Colin. - Yes?

224. Let's see that nail.

225. This is the nail we're talking about, right here.

226. Take a look at that.

227. No, the other nail, the other nail.

228. - First of all...

229. Before you start the technique,

230. you can do nothing with a stiff finger.

231. You must relax the finger.

232. Give the finger a massage.

233. Make it feel loose.

234. It's gettin'... Oh, yeah, droopin'.

235. Now we're ready.

236. Now the blood has reached the cuticle.

237. It is time to start the process.

238. Cuticle, that's a funny word.

239. Depending on how big the nail is,

240. you may wanna do it over this.

241. It's really up to you.

242. That's right, Colin.

243. And not just cutting your nails, isn't just for looks,

244. it's for sanitary reasons as well.

245. You know, evil things lurk under the nails.

246. - That's right. - Here's something magnified 1000 times.

247. Do you want this under your nail?

248. And if you chew that...

249. that ends up in your mouth,

250. goes down to your stomach and expands.

251. And then, comes out of you.

252. And then your dog eats it.

253. You want that?

254. This product will not help you play basketball.

255. Hey, Colin, what's that?

256. I don't know!

257. I don't know. What was that?

258. Well, Colin...

259. okay.

260. Colin, a lot of people don't wanna see

261. what's going to happen with their nails

262. if it's being professionally done by somebody else.

263. Remind you of anyone you know?

264. Yeah.

265. That's why this is important.

266. Colin cannot see what's going on now.

267. Sorry that's kinda sticky, isn't it?

268. And it removes the unsightly few hairs you have left on your forehead.

269. And when you're done with it...

270. What would this possibly have to do with

271. cutting your cuticles?

272. - Good question. - Ryan...

273. Well...

274. It doesn't actually have to do with the cutting process, Colin.

275. It has to do with the buffing process

276. after the nails are cut to get them looking shapely.

277. Simply put your nail into the polishing...

278. Ow, ow, ow.

279. Ow, ow, oh, that feels good.

280. We're ready to hook you in.

281. That was just a little side gag to relax you.

282. Now, Colin...

283. We have to get those nails dry after they're buffed.

284. How do you suppose we're gonna do that?

285. With the easy blow tube.

286. That's right.

287. Insert your fingers into the easy blow tube.

288. Get a friend, a very...

289. - Good. - ... special friend,

290. to come and help blow your finger.

291. - Is it dry? - Ooh, that is warm.

292. - Oh, they're dry. - They are done.

293. Uh, that was a thousand points to everybody.

294. Congratulations on such a fine job, Ryan and Colin.

295. Hey, what do you know?

296. It's time for my, one of my favorite games on Whose Line.

297. "Scenes From A Hat."

298. Now, what happens is,

299. before every show we ask the audience

300. to write down suggestions for some things

301. that our performers have to act out for us.

302. I'm gonna pick 'em out at random. We'll see how many they can do.

303. Starting with...

304. Uh...

305. "If lessons in love and sex

306. were taught in the style of Sesame Street."

307. Abierto.

308. Cerrado.

309. Now, it's time to look at Big Bird.

310. [in song-song voice] One of these things,

311. doesn't belong.

312. The letter "h".

313. All right.

314. "Jeopardy! questions where the Whose Line cast members are the answers."

315. I'll take, uh, people who sit behind the desk

316. - and do nothing for 500, please.

317. Uh...

318. I'll take reasons why the letter "h" will keep me up for years to come,

319. - for 400.

320. Uh...

321. I'll take people whose head is a solar plate for a sex machine.

322. "Bad things to say as you're about to kiss her."

323. I was once part of the letter "h".

324. We'll be right back

325. for more on Whose Line Is It Anyway? right after this.

326. Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

327. Tonight's winner, Kathryn Greenwood.

328. Kathryn Greenwood's the winner tonight.

329. And, uh...

330. we're gonna do a game for you called "Hoedown"!

331. Our favorite game in the whole world. "Hoedown"!

332. With Laura Hall on the piano.

333. Laura Hall.

334. Uh, what I need from the audience

335. is a suggestion of something you wanted to be when you grew up.

336. An astronaut! A police officer.

337. Police officer.

338. Police officer. We're gonna do "The Police Officer Hoedown".

339. Take it away.

340. We'll be right back with more of Whose Line right after this, don't go away.

341. Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

342. Tonight, we're gonna end the show

343. with everybody reading the credits for you.

344. So I want you to read the credits

345. as if you were all bodybuilders,

346. in a high-pressure competition.

347. Thanks for watching, everybody. Good night.

348. Dan Patterson.

349. Drew Carey.