Whose Line Is It Anyway? 5x1

Directed by

Tony Hawk as Self • Heather Anne Campbell as Self

Guest comics Tony Hawk and Heather Anne Campbell.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Good evening, everybody,

2. and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

3. On tonight's show...

4. Knows Whoopi Goldberg, Wayne Brady!

5. Admires Whoopi Goldberg, Colin Mochrie!

6. Has a crush on Whoopi Goldberg, Ryan Stiles!

7. And, is Whoopi Goldberg! Whoopi Goldberg!

8. I'm your host Drew Carey.

9. Come on down, let's have some fun.

10. Bam!

11. Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

12. That's right, the points are like a Canadian coin

13. in an American vending machine.

14. I think you know who I'm talking about.

15. Thanks, Whoopi Goldberg, for doing the show.

16. Whoopi Goldberg's on the show tonight.

17. Man, great to have you. It really is a thrill.

18. If you never saw the show before, what happens is,

19. these guys are gonna make up everything you see,

20. right off the top of their heads.

21. It's gonna be an amazing thing to see.

22. suggestions that we're gonna get from the audience,

23. it's really fun. Let's get the show going.

24. I'll show you how it works with a game called "Questions Only."

25. This is for all four of you. Whoopi and Wayne are gonna start.

26. But, this is a trick. They can only speak in questions.

27. It's also a good game to play at home with your mom

28. if you don't tell her you're playing this game.

29. You can only speak in questions.

30. And I'll buzz you when one of you is wrong.

31. And the other one takes their place.

32. And we'll see who does the best.

33. The scene is, "It's the last night

34. on an international singles cruise."

35. Questions Only. Take it away.

36. Could you leave me alone?

37. Is that the color purple?

38. Are you Helen Keller?

39. Are you trying to diss Del Monaco Delrique?

40. Aren't you pushing it just a little far, mister?

41. Don't you want some of this?

42. Didn't I have that and threw it out?

43. Wasn't it just a little on the wee side?

44. - Yes.

45. You want some of this?

46. Are you crazy?

47. Would I care if I knew?

48. Don't you think it's too late?

49. Don't you want to feel a pleasure

50. that only one other woman has felt?

51. Is that the one who died?

52. Who's to know 84 orgasms can kill ya?

53. Are you telling me...

54. that you had 84 orgasms

55. and this is what I have to look forward to?

56. Oh, don't you know it's not the package?

57. Has someone lied to you?

58. What are you saying?

59. Don't you think if I could,

60. I would with you?

61. Why are you fighting this?

62. Do you think I'm fighting?

63. Don't you know I can read your eyes?

64. How's it feel to kiss a woman for a change?

65. You had the 1,000 points,

66. until Colin slipped you a tongue.

67. So 1,000 points to Colin.

68. - Mmm-mmm. Good. - You gave him his chance. Yeah, I know.

69. Little of that Canadian bacon

70. that everyone heard so much about.

71. Put it on a bun, that's right.

72. Canadian bacon on a bun.

73. Oh, now we're going on to a great game.

74. It's called "Two Line Vocabulary."

75. This is for Ryan, Whoopi and Colin.

76. - Ah, come on up here.

77. Now what's gonna happen is,

78. uh, they're gonna do a scene but they can only, uh,

79. Colin can say anything he wants,

80. The scene is, "Colin is the leader of the last few members

81. of a space colony on Mars."

82. - Yeah. Well,

83. - just like he is here. - Is he a man or a woman?

84. - Doesn't say. Doesn't say.

85. - If I was gonna guess, woman. Okay.

86. Uh, "They're under attack from enemy aliens

87. and desperately trying to work out a plan."

88. Ryan, the only things you're allowed to say

89. are, "What is that?" and, "I'm really in the mood."

90. "What is that?" and "I'm really in the mood."

91. Whoopi, your lines are,

92. "Have you thought this through?"

93. and "That's impossible."

94. Uh, great game to play with your parents on a rainy day.

95. Take it away.

96. All right, people. Stay together.

97. Remember, these aliens are tricky.

98. What is that?

99. Well, no, but,

100. as your leader, it must appear as though I have.

101. That's impossible.

102. - Yes!

103. - It's not impossible! - What is that?

104. That's your finger. It's all right, it's all right!

105. We all have them!

106. Now remember, once these things get close to you,

107. their things come out,

108. they suck your brain and you become a robot.

109. Oh, I'm really in the mood.

110. - I know.

111. I'm not in the mood, either!

112. That's why we gotta stop them!

113. - Have you thought this through? - Yes!

114. That's why I brought the gun!

115. What is that?

116. That's impossible!

117. It's a gun!

118. It's not! All right!

119. You have your gun.

120. Here, this one's for you.

121. - What is that? - It's a gun!

122. It's like yours, except smaller!

123. - I'm really in the mood! - Okay!

124. - That's impossible. - It's not impossible.

125. Why are you so negative?

126. Have you thought it through?

127. Look!

128. What is that?

129. All right, you're right.

130. I should be calm.

131. - I'm your leader. - I'm really in the mood.

132. - That's impossible. - I didn't...

133. It's not impossible.

134. If he thinks he's in the mood, let him do it.

135. - Have you thought this through? - Look!

136. You ask me that one more time,

137. I'm ripping your face off!

138. - That's impossible. - I...

139. - All right!

140. Thank you. That'll be, uh...

141. 1,000 points for everybody. That was great.

142. I feel like I should give my points back on that one.

143. No, that's okay. You got it.

144. I just don't know.

145. You know, sometimes you get points

146. you didn't think you deserve, but other times,

147. you think you deserve points and you didn't get any.

148. - Okay. Then I'll keep my points.

149. So take them when you can get them is what I'm saying.

150. - I gotcha. Yeah.

151. - This is for, uh...

152. Wayne, Whoopi, here's your props.

153. Here's your props.

154. And the idea of this game is, uh,

155. they have to go back and forth and think of as many

156. fun things as they can to do with these props.

157. As quick as they can, starting with Ryan and Colin.

158. I raise you three peanuts.

159. - Could you pop this for me?

160. Welcome to the Gigantic Tea restaurant.

161. - Ah, thank you.

162. Wow, check her out.

163. Jurassic Park.

164. Wow, you Zulu chicks are hot.

165. Psst!

166. All right. What? Come on now.

167. You late.

168. Buzz the damn buzzer!

169. Come, Boy Wonder! To the Bat Mobile!

170. Welcome back to the Tiny Person Olympics.

171. Don't ask me how.

172. Just get me out of the mail box!

173. - Oh!

174. Ow!

175. Are you swinging your nuts again?

176. We'll be right back with more Whose Line

177. right after this. Don't go away!

178. Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

179. The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

180. We're gonna keep the show going with a game called... Oh, this is a good one.

181. "Living Scenery." This is for all four of you,

182. Ryan and Colin are gonna act out a scene.

183. Ryan and Colin are gonna act out a scene for us.

184. However, since we don't have any real props to work with tonight,

185. Wayne and Whoopi are gonna stand in

186. and become the various props in the scene.

187. Thanks a lot for volunteering.

188. Uh...

189. Ryan, Colin, your scene is,

190. "Ryan is trying to impress his girlfriend Colin...

191. at the carnival,

192. as they try out the rides and play the games."

193. You're at a carnival. Take it away.

194. - Having fun yet? - Yes, dear.

195. Love of my life. Sweetie.

196. - Hey. - Yeah?

197. Let's go through the Tunnel of Love.

198. Come on, kitty.

199. Uh...

200. - That was fun. - Yeah.

201. - Gee...

202. - I thought there was more to it than that. - Yeah.

203. Hey, you want me to win you a prize?

204. - Oh, yeah.

205. - Nothing. - Oh.

206. Wait, I have to make a phone call.

207. Hi, yeah.

208. I'm gonna be there at the finals.

209. I was just phoning a friend.

210. I said I might see them later.

211. - I'd love to. - All right.

212. Oh, I got one that straps over my shoulder.

213. This one's got padding in the back.

214. - Ah! Oh! - Ah! That was fun!

215. Man!

216. I'm just going to sit on the bench.

217. - All right.

218. - There you go. - Wow!

219. Mmm! That's nummy!

220. Whoo!

221. It's time for the Big Bear Jamboree.

222. Welcome to the Big Bear Jamboree.

223. - I'm here with all our good friends

224. and you can watch us pee.

225. Aye.

226. I don't remember that before.

227. Let's go somewhere else. This is freaking me out.

228. You can watch all your friends...

229. - Oh, look, it's Crazy Ted. - Yeah.

230. Oh, look, the swing machine.

231. Oh, man!

232. - Let's go on the swings! - All right.

233. - Oh, it's Crazy Ted again.

234. Crazy Ted?

235. 1,000 points to Colin for putting his butt

236. on Whoopi Goldberg's head.

237. I couldn't believe it.

238. Oh, man.

239. - Speaking, yeah...

240. - Crazy Ted. - Crazy Ted.

241. That's Crazy Ted. I just want some soup.

242. Why you so stingy?

243. Can't I just clean your window?

244. All right, let's go on to a game... I love this game.

245. It's called "Helping Hands."

246. This is for Ryan and Whoopi.

247. You're gonna act out a situation here.

248. But Ryan can't use his own arms.

249. Colin is gonna be the arms for Ryan.

250. Yes, yes. The scene is,

251. - Ryan...

252. Ryan is a, uh, cold-blooded pirate captain.

253. That's good enough. This will do, yeah, yeah. - Okay, sure.

254. And who is showing new recruit Whoopi

255. how to be a pirate.

256. Take it away.

257. Arr, you must be the new recruit.

258. Well, welcome aboard. What be your name?

259. Ah, Whoo.

260. - Whoo.

261. - Arr, nice to meet you, Whoo. - Arr.

262. Let me show you how things work around this ship, Whoo.

263. Aye.

264. How about we have a little drink first?

265. - Yeah. - Aye!

266. Grab your grog! Your grog. Your grog. Right there!

267. Here's a toast to the men at sea.

268. He be you, and he be me.

269. It's open, I guess.

270. - Ooh, hey, that's real. - It is!

271. No, no!

272. Arr, Captain.

273. Yeah, ye arr.

274. You've got a big spot down around your thigh.

275. That's where the mighty white whale bit me

276. four years ago.

277. - One, two, three, four. - Can you describe...

278. Describe him for me, Captain.

279. If I can use these bananas to describe the whale for you.

280. Bananas, bananas, bananas. There we go!

281. - Right.

282. That's what he did to my leg right there!

283. I've got a confession to make.

284. This ain't a real hook.

285. I use it to impress the ladies.

286. - Oh, yeah.

287. Cap...

288. No.

289. Grog! Grog!

290. Arr!

291. Arr!

292. Have you met my little bird Polly?

293. My bird.

294. - My bird. - You mean the one to the left there?

295. Not that little bird, no!

296. - Oh, you killed her. I killed her. - She looks dead.

297. Why? Why? Why?

298. Captain, when are we gonna...

299. When am I gonna learn how to eat like a pirate?

300. Oh! Grab yourself...

301. Well, let's have a look.

302. I see food on the table.

303. Right! Grab yourself...

304. a stick. A stick of flesh to you.

305. Well, I am a vegetarian, Captain.

306. But I'd be sure loving to see how you eat a big old

307. - thing like that. Yeah, I would. - Oh, you would, would ye?

308. Right! Here we go!

309. Arr, Captain. We don't have much time.

310. Do you think you could eat faster?

311. - Arr! Oh!

312. Wait! Wait.

313. Let me play a little song to you to describe

314. what being a pirate's like.

315. Aye.

316. We'll be right back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

317. Don't go anywhere.

318. Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?

319. The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

320. Uh, we're gonna keep the show going.

321. with a game called "Three-Headed Broadway."

322. And this is for Wayne, Whoopi and Ryan.

323. - With Laura Hall and Linda Taylor.

324. Wayne, Ryan and Whoopi...

325. Wayne, Ryan and Whoopi are gonna make up a Broadway song

326. as if they are a strange three-headed Broadway star.

327. They're gonna make up the song one word at a time

328. with the help of Laura and Linda.

329. And they're gonna make up a song about me.

330. So I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna have a seat on the stool.

331. And I need you guys to complete this sentence,

332. "When I think about your blank."

333. Pants!

334. Pants!

335. Pants. - Pants.

336. I don't know.

337. We'll be right back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?

338. Don't go anywhere.

339. Hey, everybody. Uh, welcome back.

340. Tonight, we're gonna have everybody read the credits for you to end the show.

341. Uh, I'd like you to read the credits as

342. "rowdy bachelorettes out on the town

343. the night before Whoopi's wedding."

344. - Thanks a lot, everybody. Good night.

345. Dan Patterson is so yummylicious!

346. Shooters! Shooters!

347. Three, two, one!

348. Whoa!

349. Steve Blum!

350. Oh, is he gonna be there?

351. Oh, look, it's Ray.

352. Alison Sideris, is she gonna be there?

353. I'm gonna be sick.

354. - I can't even... - Oh, oh! Hilda's gonna be sick.

355. - Oh, God.

356. What? Yeah.