Whose Line Is It Anyway? 4x1

1. GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME

2. TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

3. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, SIT UP AND BEG — WAYNE BRADY.

4. ROLL OVER — JEFF DAVIS.

5. HERE, BOY — COLIN MOCHRIE.

6. AND BAD DOG — RYAN STILES.

7. HEY, I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.

8. COME ON DOWN. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

9. THANK YOU. HI, EVERYBODY.

10. I THANK YOU FOR THAT APPLAUSE,

11. AND MY AGENTS THANK YOU FOR THAT APPLAUSE.

12. WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

13. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

14. THAT'S RIGHT. THE POINTS ARE LIKE

15. THE PART OF THE "VICTORIA'S SECRET" CATALOG

16. WHERE THEY SELL THE PANTS.

17. WE GOT A LOT OF SHOW TO GET TO.

18. LET'S GET STARTED WITH A GAME CALLED "REMOTE CONTROL."

19. THIS IS FOR EVERYBODY. WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE AND LINE UP?

20. BEFORE WE GET GOING, LET'S HAVE A SUGGESTION

21. FOR A TYPE OF BARNYARD ANIMAL.

22. CHICKEN.

23. COW.

24. CHICKEN. CHICKEN, CHICKEN, CHICKEN.

25. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IN THIS GAME IS I'M GOING TO PRETEND

26. I'M WATCHING TELEVISION AND I'M FLICKING BETWEEN THE CHANNELS,

27. AND THE PERFORMERS ARE EACH GOING TO BE A CHANNEL.

28. WAYNE, YOU ARE "SOUTH PARK."

29. JEFF, YOU ARE A TV EVANGELIST.

30. COLIN, YOU'RE A GAME SHOW NETWORK, THE GAME SHOW NETWORK,

31. AND, RYAN, YOU'RE "THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW."

32. AND THEY'RE ALL GOING TO BE TALKING

33. ABOUT THE SAME THING —

34. CHICKENS.

35. SO TAKE IT AWAY, WAYNE. YOU'RE GOING TO START.

36. HEY, I LOVE TO EAT CHICKEN.

37. I LIKE CHICKEN WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING.

38. I LIKE CHICKEN.

39. YEAH! I LIKE CHICKEN, BUT CHICKEN DON'T MAKE ME FAT.

40. CHICKEN MAKE ME BIG-BONED.

41. RYAN.

42. SO YOU FIGURE IT'S JUST OKAY TO GO OUT AND GET LAID.

43. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

44. JEFF.

45. NOW LISTEN HERE, CHICKEN.

46. THIS IS A CHICKEN THAT HAS BEEN STRICKEN AND NOT ABLE TO FLY.

47. I'M GOING TO HEAL YOU, CHICKEN,

48. AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO FLY,

49. BUT YOU HAVE TO FLY BY FAITH, CHICKEN.

50. COLIN.

51. OH, I'M SORRY. YOU DIDN'T CLUCK IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.

52. WAYNE.

53. NOW, NOW, CHILDREN. THERE'S ENOUGH CHICKEN

54. FOR EVERYONE TO GO AROUND.

55. JUST GRAB THE CHICKEN AND BRING IT ON INTO THE SCHOOL.

56. WELL, I DON'T LIKE CHICKEN THAT MUCH.

57. AIN'T THAT RIGHT, MR. HAND?

58. THAT'S RIGHT. CHICKEN MUST DIE. CHICKEN MUST DIE.

59. JEFF.

60. OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO... CHICK-EMIAH 2:3 —

61. AND THE LORD SAID UNTO THE CHICKENS OF ISRAEL,

62. THOU HAST BEFOWLED THE EARTH.

63. RYAN.

64. JERRY, I'VE BEEN PLUCKING THAT CHICKEN TWO YEARS NOW,

65. AND MY WIFE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.

66. COLIN.

67. WHEEL... OF... POULTRY! ALL RIGHT —

68. RYAN.

69. AND NOW FOR MY FINAL THOUGHT —

70. COLIN.

71. I'M SORRY. THE ANSWER WAS CLUCK GOBBLE.

72. CLUCK GOBBLE — "GONE WITH THE WIND." ALL RIGHT.

73. WAYNE.

74. I LIKE CHICKEN FRICASSEE,

75. CHICKEN BREAST, CHICKEN HAM BONE,

76. A LITTLE BIT OF CHICKEN SOUP, CHICKEN MEAL, CHICKEN BROTH,

77. CHICKEN ICE CREAM, CHICKEN CAKE —

78. OH, YEAH, I LIKE CHICKEN CHEESY POOFS SOMETIMES,

79. BUT THAT REALLY DON'T MAKE THAT MUCH SENSE.

80. I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

81. I LIKE CHICKEN STEAK, CHICKEN MEAL,

82. CHICKEN POTPOURRI, BUT ONLY ON WEDNESDAYS,

83. AND SOMETIMES WHEN KYLE COMES OVER,

84. HIS MOM WON'T LET HIM EAT CHICKEN

85. 'CAUSE KYLE'S MOM IS A BIG — SHE'S A BIG FAT —

86. THAT WAS FANTASTIC. OF COURSE, YOU KNOW

87. THIS IS NOT A GAME SHOW. THE POINTS DON'T MATTER,

88. BUT TONIGHT — $100 BILLS FOR EVERYBODY WHO WINS A GAME.

89. WAYNE, YOU'RE THE WINNER. $100 BILLS TO YOU.

90. THERE YOU GO — $100.

91. LET ME SEE THAT.

92. IT'S REAL.

93. LET ME SEE.

94. IT'S ACTUALLY REAL.

95. LET ME SEE THAT. IT'S NOT A REAL...

96. $100 BILL TO WHOEVER WINS A GAME.

97. THAT'S NOT A REAL $100 BILL.

98. HA HA HA.

99. OKAY, LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "LET'S MAKE A DATE."

100. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU. JEFF IS GOING TO BE APPEARING

101. ON A DATING-TYPE SHOW. RYAN, COLIN, AND WAYNE ARE

102. CONTESTANTS HOPING TO BE PICKED BY JEFF,

103. BUT THEY'RE NOT THE KIND OF PEOPLE YOU'D EXPECT

104. BECAUSE WE GAVE EACH OF THEM A DIFFERENT CHARACTERISTIC

105. OR IDENTITIES ON THESE CARDS HERE.

106. NEVER SAW THE CARDS BEFORE, AND, JEFF,

107. YOU'RE GOING TO QUESTION THEM AND TRY TO GUESS WHO THEY ARE.

108. YES, I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU, COLIN.

109. COLIN IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW,

110. I JUST CAN'T TELL YOU.

111. CANNOT WAIT — OH. WELL, THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.

112. UH, OH, MY GOD. GO AHEAD, JEFF.

113. HELLO, BACHELORS.

114. OH, HI.

115. OKAY.

116. HELLO.

117. BACHELOR NUMBER ONE...

118. BACHELOR NUMBER ONE...

119. BACHELOR NUMBER ONE —

120. STRANGELY ENOUGH, YOU ANSWERED MY QUESTION

121. AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK IT.

122. BACHELOR NUMBER TWO, I HAVE EXPENSIVE TASTES.

123. WHERE WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON OUR FIRST DATE?

124. WAIT A SEC. WAIT A SEC.

125. OKAY, I'M READY.

126. THEY SAY IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US.

127. THEY SAID IT'S ALL WRONG.

128. CAN I GET SOMETHING HERE?

129. CAN I GET A LITTLE EMOTION?

130. JUST A LITTLE SOME— I'LL BE IN MY TRAILER.

131. BACHELOR NUMBER THREE?

132. YEAH.

133. UM, I DON'T LIKE BACHELOR NUMBER TWO

134. BECAUSE ON OUR FIRST DATE HE'S GOING TO KISS OTHER MEN.

135. WHERE WOULD YOU TAKE ME ON OUR FIRST DATE?

136. WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE YOU —

137. OH, YOU'RE BACK, ARE YOU?

138. LET ME TELL YOU.

139. YOU ARE A SLICE OF SOMETHING SPECIAL.

140. YEAH, YOU'RE REALLY — OH. OH, HO HO HO.

141. I ENJOYED THE KISS.

142. BACK TO BACHELOR NUMBER ONE. BACHELOR NUMBER ONE,

143. YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOU TALK A LOT.

144. UH, WHAT WORDS WOULD YOU WOO ME WITH?

145. WOW.

146. BACHELOR NUMBER TWO?

147. I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO SCENE 51.

148. YEAH?

149. NEVER MIND. BACHELOR NUMBER THREE...

150. JEFF, HAVE YOU ANY IDEA

151. WHO THE HELL THEY ARE?

152. I HAVE SOME IDEA. UH —

153. ANYBODY WANT MINTS BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER? MINTS?

154. PASS THOSE DOWN. MIGHT WANT TO PASS THOSE DOWN TO EVERYBODY.

155. I BELIEVE WAYNE IS, UH, I DON'T KNOW THE NAME,

156. BUT THAT BASS YOU MOUNT ON THE WALL AND SINGS?

157. YES!

158. YES. YES.

159. UH, BACHELOR NUMBER TWO COLIN IS A MOVIE ACTOR

160. WHO KISSES EVERYBODY IN EVERY SCENE THAT HE'S IN.

161. KIND OF — CLOSE ENOUGH. YEAH, HE HAS TO KISS WAYNE.

162. AND RYAN WAS A WHOLE ROW

163. OF DEATH ROW INMATES OR PRISON INMATES.

164. YEAH — EXCITED TO SEE COLIN. YEAH. EXACTLY.

165. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

166. COLIN?

167. COLIN, ANOTHER $100 HERE, BUDDY.

168. THANKS.

169. THAT'S JUST DIRTY MONEY NOW.

170. HA HA HA.

171. HOW BAD YOU WANT IT, MOCHRIE? COME ON. GET YOU DIRTY MONEY.

172. HE KISSED REALLY NICE...

173. UH, YEAH.

174. FOR A DUDE.

175. I DON'T THINK THE TONGUE WAS NECESSARY, BUT...

176. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT

177. "WILL & GRACE" WAS THE GAYEST SHOW ON TV...

178. ALONG COMES "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

179. HEY, NOW, WE ALL GOT THESE ON.

180. AAH! AAH!

181. THANKS, FOLKS. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

182. "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RIGHT AFTER THIS. DON'T GO AWAY.

183. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

184. THE SHOW THAT PAYS PEOPLE JUST TO GOOF AROUND.

185. THAT'S RIGHT.

186. THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, BUT THE $100 BILLS SURE DO.

187. LET'S KEEP THE SHOW GOING WITH A GAME

188. CALLED "SOUND EFFECTS." THIS IS FOR RYAN AND COLIN.

189. WHY DON'T YOU COME UP HERE, RYAN AND COLIN?

190. LET ME GO OVER HERE, RIGHT BEHIND THE CAMERAMAN.

191. HELLO. HOW ARE YOU? HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

192. CHARLENE.

193. WHAT IS IT?

194. CHARLENE.

195. CHARLENE. NICE TO MEET YOU, CHARLENE.

196. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

197. MICHELLE.

198. CHARLENE AND MICHELLE, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON DOWN HERE,

199. CHARLENE AND MICHELLE?

200. FOLLOW ME RIGHT OVER HERE.

201. STAND RIGHT HERE AND HERE.

202. OH, YEAH!

203. HI, COLIN.

204. HOW ARE YOU?

205. WHERE'S MY, UH... OKAY, HERE YOU GO.

206. HERE'S A MICROPHONE FOR YOU AND A MICROPHONE FOR YOU.

207. NOW, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, CHARLENE AND MICHELLE,

208. YOU'RE GOING TO DO A SCENE WITH RYAN AND COLIN.

209. RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO DO A SCENE FOR US,

210. AND YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR THE SCENE FOR THEM.

211. CHARLENE, YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR COLIN,

212. AND, MICHELLE, YOU'RE GOING TO DO THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR RYAN.

213. IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY FUN.

214. YOU GET TO BE PART OF THE SHOW. YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.

215. THE SCENE IS RYAN IS A HUSBAND,

216. AND COLIN IS HIS HEAVILY PREGNANT WIFE.

217. YOU'RE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK WHEN COLIN SUDDENLY GOES INTO LABOR

218. AND HAS TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL. YOU'RE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK

219. WHEN YOU GO INTO LABOR AND YOU HAVE TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL.

220. YOU GUYS ARE DOING THE SOUND EFFECTS.

221. TAKE IT AWAY WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

222. EMPTY.

223. MAYBE THIS ONE.

224. A SILENCER.

225. YEAH. SHOOT STRAIGHT, HONEY.

226. ALL RIGHT.

227. OH, THERE'S GUM IN THERE.

228. YEAH.

229. HOW ARE YOU?

230. YOU KNOW, I... MAYBE IF WE DO

231. A LITTLE MORE WALKING, IT WILL GET THE PROCESS GOING.

232. LET'S GO ON THE ROLLER COASTER. THAT'LL GET THE BABY GOING.

233. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO ON THE BIG SCREAM A-WHIRL A-NOISE.

234. WHOO.

235. I DIDN'T SEE THE BIG SCREAM A-WHIRL A-NOISE.

236. IT'S THE LOUDEST ROLLER COASTER IN THE WORLD.

237. ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THAT?

238. I'M READY.

239. ALL RIGHT. TWO, PLEASE.

240. EXCUSE ME.

241. OKAY. HANG ON.

242. SHH... BOOM.

243. OKAY.

244. MY WATER BROKE!

245. WHAT?

246. THAT WAS MY WATER BREAKING.

247. HERE ON THE RIDE?

248. YEAH.

249. AND WE'RE STUCK AT THE TOP.

250. WHAT A TIME FOR YOUR WATER TO BREAK.

251. WELL, IT WASN'T LIKE I WAS PLANNING THIS

252. NINE MONTHS AGO, MISTER...

253. ALL RIGHT. RELAX. WAIT A MINUTE.

254. I BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN THE BAG. I'VE GOT THE GLOVES.

255. HA HA HA.

256. YOU BROUGHT THE LAUGHING GLOVES.

257. BING. HA HA HA.

258. OH. ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO NEED HOT WATER,

259. BUT WE'RE ON TOP —

260. OH, THAT WAS HANDY. THANK YOU.

261. WOW.

262. WHAT A FRIENDLY SEA GULL.

263. HA HA. ALL RIGHT, SIT BACK. WAIT.

264. I THINK I SEE THE HEAD.

265. OH, ISN'T IT SMART?

266. OKAY, PUSH, HONEY. BREATHE. BREATHE.

267. HA HA.

268. COME ON. HERE IT IS. IT'S COMING.

269. IT'S THE COPS!

270. NO, DON'T SHOOT. DON'T SHOOT.

271. NO COP'S GOING TO KEEP MY BABY FROM COMING IN THIS WORLD.

272. OH, LOOK. THERE'S A LADDER. WHY DON'T WE JUST CLIMB DOWN?

273. COME ON.

274. ALL RIGHT.

275. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

276. ALL RIGHT. TAXI! TAXI!

277. EVERYONE'S — PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON.

278. EVERYONE'S SCREAMING AT YOU

279. WITH A BABY HANGING OUT OF YOU LIKE THAT. TAXI!

280. I'LL WHISTLE.

281. I THINK IT SCREECHED TO A HALT, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN.

282. JAM!

283. YOU SAT ON A COCKATOO.

284. OH.

285. ALL RIGHT, TAKE US TO THE HOSPITAL — QUICK.

286. OH, THAT WAS QUICK.

287. BAM!

288. OHH...

289. YOU OKAY?

290. SOMEONE SHOT ME.

291. WHY WOULD SOMEONE SHOOT ME?

292. I DON'T KNOW.

293. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

294. THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

295. OH, THAT MADE ME HAPPY.

296. OH. OH, WELL, LET'S GIVE IT TO THE GIRLS, HUH?

297. LET'S GO DOWN THERE. HERE YOU GO.

298. AW.

299. SHE WAS THE MOTHER, RIGHT?

300. OH... I'M SORRY.

301. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO.

302. DID YOU WANT THAT BACK?

303. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO THAT —

304. YOU WANTED THAT BACK AT THE END OF THE SHOW?

305. NO, YOU SAVED ME $200. I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO THAT,

306. AND NOW I DON'T HAVE TO.

307. HEY, THAT WAS OUR MONEY.

308. NOW LET'S GO ON TO A REALLY GOOD GAME.

309. UH, IT'S CALLED "DOO-WOP." THIS IS FOR JEFF, WAYNE, AND COLIN

310. WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL, LINDA TAYLOR, AND CECE WORRALL.

311. WHAT I NEED,

312. UH, SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE, GIVE ME A WOMAN'S NAME.

313. JOY.

314. PEGGY.

315. PEGGY. I HEARD PEGGY.

316. NOW GIVE ME, UH, SOMEBODY OVER THERE, GIVE ME A HOBBY.

317. TAXIDERMY.

318. TAXIDERMY.

319. SO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE SINGING A DOO-WOP SONG,

320. AND I WANT YOU TO SING THE SONG

321. ABOUT PEGGY WHO DIED TRAGICALLY IN A FREAK TAXIDERMY ACCIDENT.

322. TAKE IT AWAY WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

323. THAT WAS FANTASTIC.

324. FOR ME?

325. YEAH. THERE YOU GO. $100 FOR YOU.

326. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT WAS — THAT WAS GREAT, COLIN.

327. I LOVE THE WAY YOUR CHEEKS GO...

328. THANK YOU.

329. YOU DIDN'T SEE IT FROM BEHIND, THOUGH.

330. THEY'RE ON THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD. IT'S JUST...

331. I'M SAYING IT'S A GIFT.

332. YEAH.

333. YEAH, YOU'RE LIKE THAT GUY IN THE WIND TUNNEL. YOU KNOW...

334. AW, NOBODY WANTS...

335. THAT'S MY DOLLAR!

336. YEAH, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, FIND OUT WHO THE WINNER IS.

337. DON'T GO AWAY.

338. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

339. TONIGHT'S WINNER — JEFF DAVIS.

340. JEFF DAVIS IS OUR WINNER TONIGHT.

341. HA HA HA.

342. MAN, HE'S GOOD.

343. HE IS SO GOOD. NO, THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE WINNER, BABY.

344. NOW WE'RE GOING TO DO A GAME FOR YOU CALLED "PROPS."

345. JEFF, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US OUR PROPS?

346. THAT'S FOR WAYNE AND COLIN,

347. AND THESE ARE FOR RYAN AND MYSELF,

348. AND WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS WE'RE GOING TO GO BACK AND FORTH

349. AND THINK OF AS MANY IDEAS WITH THESE PROPS AS WE CAN,

350. STARTING WITH... WAYNE AND COLIN.

351. ANIMAL! ANIMAL!

352. IF YOU'LL LOOK UNDER THE MICROSCOPE,

353. DR. JOHNSON,

354. YOU'LL SEE WHY YOUR SPERM IS HAVING TROUBLE.

355. NEXT WEEK AT THE FORUM!

356. OH, YEAH, BROTHER! OH, YEAH, BROTHER!

357. YOU CAN'T GET THESE, BROTHER!

358. HERE WE ARE IN THE CLEAN AND JERK.

359. IT'S WORTH ALL THE GOLD.

360. AND HE'S — HE'S ALMOST GOT IT. HE'S GOT IT.

361. HE'S UP FOR THE GOLD.

362. I'M AN OUT-OF-WORK DR. SEUSS CHARACTER.

363. I WILL WORK FOR MONEY. I WILL WORK FOR HONEY.

364. I WILL WORK FOR YOU. DOODLE-DOODLE-DO.

365. AHH-OOH-GA!

366. THIS WAS A HARD STONE TO PASS.

367. LET ME TELL YOU. THIS IS A HARD STONE TO PASS.

368. THE METEOR!

369. COME OVER HERE AND GIVE YOUR AUNT ETHEL A BIG HUG.

370. THANKS FOR WATCHING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK...

371. WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE."

372. HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

373. TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW

374. WITH EVERYBODY READING THE CREDITS.

375. I WANT YOU ALL TO TELL US WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO

376. WITH YOUR $100 BILLS.

377. THANKS FOR WATCHING, EVERYBODY. GOOD NIGHT.

378. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND WARNER BROS. INC.

379. I'M GOING TO GIVE MINE TO MARK LEVESON. HE NEEDS IT.

380. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY $100 BILL.

381. I DIDN'T REALLY GET ONE.

382. THIS IS ONE I FOUND ON COLIN'S CHAIR.

383. I'M GOING TO GIVE $100 TO THE ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR

384. SO I CAN GET SOME GOOD SHOTS.

385. I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS TO DREW CAREY.

386. HE HAD TO SING A HOEDOWN, AND IT'S NOT EASY TO SING A HOEDOWN.

387. I'M GOING TO GIVE IT BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.

388. I'M GOING TO GIVE MINE TO THE HAIR WOMAN RACHEL.

389. WHY?

390. I DON'T KNOW.