Whose Line Is It Anyway? 3x12

1. GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY,

2. AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

3. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW — YABBA DABBA WAYNE BRADY.

4. I TAWT I TAW A CHIP ESTEN.

5. THAT'S DESPICABLE COLIN MOCHRIE.

6. AND BLOW ME DOWN RYAN STILES,

7. AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.

8. COME ON DOWN. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

9. HELLO.

10. OH, MY GOD, IT'S DREW CAREY!

11. YAY, DREW.

12. WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

13. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP

14. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER. THAT'S RIGHT.

15. THE POINTS ARE AS WORTHLESS AS THE PHRASE

16. CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM.

17. THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE

18. RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THEIR HEADS.

19. THEN AFTER EVERY GAME I GIVE THEM THESE FAKEY POINTS.

20. AT THE END OF THE SHOW WE PICK A FAKE WINNER.

21. THE WINNER GETS TO SIT AT MY DESK AND DO NOTHING,

22. AND THE LOSER

23. HAS TO TEACH GEORGE W. BUSH TO SAY "SUBLIMINAL."

24. LET'S GET ON, UH, LET'S GO ON WITH A GAME CALLED —

25. YEAH, SPEAKING OF GUYS WHO CAN'T TALK.

26. LET'S START THE SHOW

27. WITH A GAME CALLED "SUPERHEROES."

28. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU. HA HA.

29. YOU'RE GOING TO ACT OUT A SCENE

30. AS UNLIKELY SUPERHEROES. COLIN IS GOING TO START,

31. SO WE'RE GOING TO THINK OF A NAME FOR HIM,

32. AND THE OTHERS ARE GOING TO NAME EACH OTHER

33. AS THEY COME IN — TRY TO SCREW EACH OTHER UP.

34. WHAT WE NEED IS AN UNLIKELY SUPERHERO NAME FOR COLIN.

35. STAPLE GUN KID.

36. THE STAPLE GUN KID,

37. AND WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY FOR THE STAPLE GUN KID?

38. OUT OF STAPLES!

39. NO PAPER. OKAY.

40. UH, SO THERE'S NO PAPER, STAPLE GUN KID.

41. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

42. WHOA! HOLY SHARP THIS!

43. THERE SEEMS TO BE A CRISIS IN THE WORLD.

44. THERE'S NO PAPER.

45. OH, IT DOESN'T SEEM THAT BAD,

46. BUT, NO, IT COULD BE HORRIBLE.

47. WHAT WILL I STAPLE TOGETHER

48. WHEN I WRITE MY SCRIPT FOR "GEPETTO 2"?

49. I HOPE MY SUPER FRIENDS GET HERE SOON.

50. OH, THANK YOU. SORRY I'M LATE.

51. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE,

52. MALFUNCTIONING ROBOT WITH AN ATTITUDE BOY.

53. I COULDN'T GET IN YOUR DOOR.

54. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR DOOR?

55. LOOK, THERE'S NO PAPER IN THE WORLD.

56. IS THAT MY PROBLEM?

57. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

58. I'M SORRY.

59. YOU SEEM TO BE MALFUNCTIONING.

60. I GOT HERE JUST IN TIME.

61. THANK GOD, THE RICHARD SIMMONS KID.

62. BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE FAT!

63. YOU'RE FAT!

64. COME ON, WORK THE ARMS, WORK THE ARMS!

65. YOU WORK YOUR OWN ARMS. I DON'T NEED THIS.

66. IF I COULD FORM A FINGER, I'D GIVE YOU ONE.

67. I WILL DEAL YOU A MEAL SO QUICKLY YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN.

68. SORRY I'M LATE.

69. OH, THANK GOD. IT'S THE "SOUTH PARK" KID.

70. YEAH, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU CALL ME FOR?

71. OH, MY GOD.

72. YOU KILLED KENNY!

73. HE ATE TOO MUCH, AND YOU ARE REALLY FAT.

74. HEY, SHUT UP!

75. I'M NOT FAT. I'M BIG-BONED ANYWAY.

76. PAPER — WE'RE OUT OF PAPER.

77. HEY, I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

78. WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN TO THE STORE

79. AND GET SOME PAPER YOURSELF?

80. WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

81. OW! OW!

82. WELL, ANOTHER CRISES AVERTED.

83. OH!

84. 1,000 POINTS TO EVERYBODY BUT COLIN FOR THAT ONE.

85. COLIN, I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR POINTS —

86. I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM HIS POINTS AFTER THE SHOW.

87. I'M GOING TO SING THEM TO YOU.

88. I LOVE YOU.

89. WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. YOUR SHIRT IS TOO LOUD.

90. WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

91. NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME —

92. I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

93. NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "DUET."

94. THIS IS FOR CHIP AND WAYNE

95. WITH LAURA HALL, LINDA TAYLOR,

96. AND CECE WORRALL.

97. FOLLOW ME AND I'LL PICK YOU. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

98. LEYNA.

99. LEYNA, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

100. I'M A CAMP COUNSELOR.

101. COME ON DOWN HERE, LEYNA. LEYNA IS A CAMP COUNSELOR.

102. HAVE A SEAT. I WAS A CAMP COUNSELOR.

103. REALLY?

104. YEAH, IN AKRON, OHIO, WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

105. THE SOAPBOX DERBY CHAMP STAYED THERE EVERY YEAR.

106. IT WAS REALLY EXCITING,

107. AND, UH, LOT OF MONEY IN THAT.

108. OH, YEAH.

109. YEAH.

110. YOU MAKE TONS OF MONEY BEING A CAMP COUNSELOR.

111. SO, UH, LEYNA IS A CAMP COUNSELOR,

112. AND YOU'RE GOING TO SING A SONG TO HER

113. IN THE STYLE OF THE MUNCHKINS,

114. SO, UM, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,

115. TAKE IT AWAY.

116. SHE'S COME FROM ACROSS THE SEA...

117. TO CAMP TO HELP ME.

118. SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT SHE'S DOING

119. WHEN SHE TEACHES US CANOEING.

120. SHE'S A COUNSELOR.

121. LORRRR.

122. WELCOME.

123. OH, BUT YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD COUNSELOR.

124. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

125. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

126. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

127. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

128. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

129. WELCOME TO THE CAMP.

130. THANK YOU, LEYNA.

131. THANK YOU, LEYNA. THANK YOU.

132. I LIKE THAT LAST LITTLE TABLEAU AT THE END.

133. THAT WAS NICE.

134. THAT WAS TWO MARRIED GUYS

135. CLINGING TO THAT LAST BIT OF HOPE.

136. "HONEY, I WAS ACTING."

137. NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME — THIS IS A REALLY GOOD GAME —

138. CALLED, UH, "GOOD COP, BAD COP,"

139. FOR WAYNE, RYAN, AND COLIN.

140. NOW WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE —

141. SOMEBODY FROM THIS SECTION OF THE AUDIENCE

142. TELL ME THE LAST THING THAT BROKE DOWN IN YOUR HOUSE.

143. DISHWASHER.

144. DISHWASHER. OKAY, DISHWASHER.

145. SO WHAT HAPPENED

146. IS WAYNE HAS CALLED RYAN AND COLIN OVER TO HIS HOUSE

147. TO REPAIR THE DISHWASHER.

148. THEY DON'T KNOW THAT RYAN AND COLIN

149. USED TO BE PARTNERS ON THE POLICE FORCE WHO EMPLOYED

150. THE GOOD COP/BAD COP METHOD OF INTERROGATION.

151. RYAN WAS THE GOOD COP. COLIN WAS THE BAD COP.

152. THAT'S WHAT WAYNE DOESN'T KNOW. TAKE IT AWAY.

153. I HOPE THOSE GUYS ARRIVE SOON.

154. HEY!

155. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!

156. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

157. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

158. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, LET ME HANDLE THIS!

159. HI, I'M INSPECTOR PHILIPS.

160. I UNDERSTAND YOUR DISHWASHER BROKE DOWN.

161. WELL, LET ME HAVE A LOOK AT IT, WOULD YOU?

162. I HAD A BIG PARTY LAST NIGHT.

163. I GOT TO ASK YOU ONE THING. COME OVER HERE, IF YOU WILL.

164. YOU DON'T THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE OVERLOADED IT, DO YOU?

165. WELL, I'M NOT SURE. I MEAN, IT WAS A BIG —

166. YOU'RE NOT SURE OR YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

167. YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

168. HEY, HEY!

169. AAH!

170. NOW DO YOU REMEMBER?

171. TAKE IT EASY, FELLOW.

172. I HAD A BIG PARTY!

173. HEY, HEY, LOOK, I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT,

174. BUT I NOTICE

175. THE PLACE WHERE YOU PUT YOUR DETERGENT THAT YOU CLOSE,

176. IT SEEMS TO BE STUCK.

177. WHAT? WHAT?

178. YOU SHOULD'VE CHECKED IT.

179. WELL, I DIDN'T BECAUSE MY WIFE IS AWAY.

180. I NORMALLY — NO, NO, NO!

181. NO, NO, HEY, HEY!

182. NOW DO YOU REMEMBER?

183. STEP BACK. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

184. I DIDN'T MEAN IT.

185. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

186. I JUST PUT THE PLATES IN IT.

187. YOU PUT THE PLATES IN

188. AND YOU PUT THE DETERGENT IN.

189. I NORMALLY DON'T. MY WIFE DOES IT.

190. AND YOU SET IT FOR A SHORT WASH, DIDN'T YOU?

191. 'CAUSE THERE'S NOT MANY PLATES IN THERE.

192. DID YOU SET IT FOR A SHORT WASH?

193. I THOUGHT THE LONGER —

194. I THOUGHT YOU SET IT FOR A SHORT WASH.

195. I JUST DIDN'T KNOW.

196. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT HAVE, BUT...

197. NO! PLEASE! ENOUGH!

198. OH, BIG POT.

199. WHOA! HEY, HEY, HEY!

200. LOOK, WHEN HE GETS A BIG POT IN HIS HAND,

201. I CAN'T CONTROL HIM.

202. I DIDN'T MEAN — I JUST — CAN'T YOU JUST FIX IT?

203. IT'S JUST A DISHWASHER.

204. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US FIX IT.

205. OKAY.

206. WHY DON'T WE GET INSIDE AND TAKE A LOOK AT IT?

207. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET INSIDE?

208. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO? YOU'RE ASKING ME QUESTIONS?

209. WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.

210. MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS ON THE INSIDE.

211. NO!

212. NICE WORK.

213. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE"

214. RIGHT AFTER THIS. DON'T GO AWAY.

215. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

216. AND, BOY, YOU KNOW, WE GOT A SISTER SHOW COMING OUT.

217. WE GOT A SPINOFF OF THIS SHOW.

218. IT'S FROM THE FORD MOTOR COMPANY

219. AND FIRESTONE TIRES.

220. IT'S CALLED "WHOSE FAULT IS IT ANYWAY?"

221. LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SOUND EFFECTS."

222. THIS IS FOR RYAN AND COLIN.

223. I'M GOING TO GO OUT TO THE AUDIENCE.

224. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PLEASE?

225. KIMBERLY.

226. KIMBERLY, WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OUT HERE?

227. KIMBERLY, SAY HI TO ONE OF THESE GUYS.

228. SAY HELLO.

229. SAY HELLO TO THESE GUYS,

230. AND LET ME WALK AROUND TO THIS SIDE.

231. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PLEASE?

232. ASHLEY.

233. ASHLEY. COME ON DOWN HERE, ASHLEY.

234. SAY HELLO TO COLIN,

235. RYAN, AND KIMBERLY.

236. STAND RIGHT OVER HERE.

237. WE'LL GIVE YOU A MICROPHONE,

238. AND, ASHLEY, HERE IS YOUR MICROPHONE.

239. KIMBERLY AND ASHLEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HELP US OUT.

240. UH, THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO DO A SCENE FOR US,

241. AND YOU'RE GOING TO PROVIDE THE SOUND EFFECTS.

242. KIMBERLY IS GOING TO PROVIDE THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR COLIN,

243. ASHLEY IS GOING TO PROVIDE THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR RYAN.

244. THE SCENE IS RYAN IS NOAH,

245. AND COLIN IS...

246. HIS WIFE.

247. MRS. NOAH — YEAH.

248. COLIN KNOWS HIS ROLE IN EVERY SCENE.

249. THEY GET THE MESSAGE TO BUILD AND LOAD THE ARK

250. JUST BEFORE THE BIG STORM HITS.

251. YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO THE SOUND EFFECTS FOR THEM.

252. WHAT WAS THAT?

253. WHAT?

254. WHAT WAS THAT, DEAR?

255. I'M SORRY.

256. OH.

257. I'M EXPECTING RAIN SOON.

258. WHY? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

259. I'M HUNGRY.

260. REALLY?

261. WELL, GO COOK UP ONE OF THOSE GOATS FOR US.

262. THERE'S THREE OVER THERE ANYWAY.

263. I HATE WHEN THEY MAKE THE NOISE

264. JUST AS YOU CUT THEIR HEAD OFF.

265. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COLLECT TWO OF EVERY ANIMAL

266. AND GET THEM ON THE ARK I'M ABOUT TO BUILD

267. BEFORE THE RAIN STARTS,

268. AND WE HAVEN'T GOT MUCH TIME,

269. SO I'M GOING TO BUILD A VERY SMALL ARK.

270. DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?

271. GET SOME LUMBER FOR ME, WOULD YOU?

272. I'LL JUST CUT DOWN THIS TREE.

273. DON'T USE THE HOSE. USE THE AX.

274. ALL RIGHT.

275. WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE EVER DONE IT BEFORE!

276. I'LL DO IT!

277. MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT THE BLADE ON.

278. CRICK, CRICK, CRICK, CRICK, CRICK, CRICK.

279. I GOT A CRICK.

280. OH, YOU GOT IT.

281. ALL RIGHT, NOW GO ASSEMBLE ALL THE ANIMALS.

282. I WANT ALL OF THEM.

283. ALL RIGHT.

284. MOO!

285. DUCKS! OH, OKAY, COWS! BOY, THOSE COWS ARE BOSSY.

286. DO YOU KNOW THE ANIMALS?

287. THEY'RE BOSSY, THE COWS. THEY KEEP BUTTING IN LINE.

288. WAS THAT THUNDER?

289. BOOM!

290. NO, NO.

291. I THINK IT WAS THE BAND NEXT DOOR PRACTICING FOR...

292. I THOUGHT I FELT A DROP OF RAIN.

293. Kimberly and Ashley: TINKLE, TINKLE, TINKLE, TINKLE...

294. GOOD, YOU GOT THE MICE. GET THEM ABOARD.

295. OH, HERE COME SOME HIPPOS.

296. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

297. WE BETTER GET SOME THROAT LOZENGES.

298. RIGHT.

299. I HAVEN'T GOT TIME FOR THE ARK.

300. JUST PUT THEM ON THE LOG. THEN WE'LL FLOAT AWAY.

301. WON'T WE NEED A BIGGER LOG?

302. WHO'S NOAH AND WHO'S NOAH'S WIFE?

303. I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

304. GIVE US A KISS.

305. OH, YEAH. OH, OH, OH, OH.

306. OH, OH, OH, OH.

307. IF YOU NOTICE,

308. I'VE BEEN PRACTICING MY VENTRILOQUISM

309. SO I CAN TALK WHILE WE'RE KISSING.

310. THAT'S GREAT.

311. ALL RIGHT, ALL THE ANIMALS SEEM TO BE ABOARD EXCEPT...

312. THE UNICORN.

313. GO FIND TWO UNICORNS.

314. LOOK — LOOK AT THE SHEEP

315. WITH A CONE ATTACHED TO ITS HEAD.

316. HE'S TRYING TO FOOL US.

317. GOOD ENOUGH. GET IT ON.

318. OH, THAT'S THUNDER.

319. BOOM!

320. THAT TIME IT WAS.

321. IT WAS.

322. WE'VE GOT THEM ALL.

323. WE BETTER HURRY. THE WIND IS PICKING UP.

324. I HOPE THAT'S THE WIND.

325. QUICK — ONTO THE LOG!

326. DON'T SIT ON ANY OF THE ANIMALS.

327. MEOW!

328. WOOF!

329. YOU CAN'T SIT ANYWHERE WITHOUT —

330. OH, NO, WHAT ARE YOU — OH, MY GOD!

331. IT'S FLOATING OFF BY ITSELF.

332. WE HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING AWAY NOW.

333. LOOK — THAT!

334. WHAT IS THAT?

335. NO, I MEANT THE THING BESIDE IT.

336. THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. I GUESS WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

337. WELL, THAT SEEMS AWFULLY HARSH.

338. I GUESS IT'S THE WAY THE LORD INTENDED IT,

339. RIGHT, MY LORD?

340. [ Ashley using a gruff voice ] YEAH.

341. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

342. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

343. THANK YOU.

344. I ESPECIALLY ENJOYED THE VOICE OF GOD.

345. HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?

346. SO LET'S MOVE ON TO A GAME CALLED —

347. I'M JUST WARMING YOU UP

348. 'CAUSE NOW YOU HAVE TO DO THE "IRISH DRINKING SONG"

349. WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL ON THE PIANO.

350. OF COURSE, HOW COULD I MISS YOU

351. WITH THAT TOP YOU'RE WEARING?

352. SPARKLE, SPARKLE, SPARKLE, SPARKLE, SPARKLE.

353. LIBERACE'S SISTER.

354. I'M SORRY.

355. ARE THE LIBERACES HERE TONIGHT?

356. JEEZ. OH, MAN.

357. WHAT, DO YOU KNOW HIM? QUIET DOWN.

358. WHAT I NEED

359. FROM THIS SECTION OVER HERE

360. IS SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY YOU'D REALLY LOVE TO BE.

361. DW CAREY!

362. GOD!

363. DREW CAREY. ALL RIGHT.

364. REMEMBERING WHO SIGNS THE CHECKS AROUND HERE,

365. LET'S HEAR

366. THE IRISH DRINKING SONG ABOUT DREW CAREY.

367. HA HA HA HA!

368. THAT WAS GREAT.

369. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE."

370. DON'T GO AWAY.

371. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

372. TONIGHT'S WINNER — COLIN MOCHRIE.

373. COLIN MOCHRIE IS THE WINNER.

374. I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED EITHER.

375. SOME KIND OF MIX-UP.

376. HE'S GOING TO SIT AT THE DESK AND RELAX,

377. AND THE REST OF US ARE GOING TO DO "PROPS" FOR YOU.

378. THAT'S FOR YOU AND RYAN.

379. SERIOUSLY? THIS IS FOR ME AND RYAN.

380. THAT'S FOR YOU GUYS.

381. I HAVE 100 IDEAS FOR BOTH OF THEM, BUT, OH, WELL.

382. WHAT WE HAVE TO DO IS WE HAVE TO GO BACK AND FORTH

383. AND THINK OF AS MANY IDEAS AS WE CAN USING THESE PROPS,

384. STARTING WITH WAYNE AND CHIP.

385. IF WE WERE THINNER, WE'D BE DRY.

386. ROSE, ROSE, I...

387. MY HEART WILL GO ON!

388. TODAY'S SHOW BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NUMBER EIGHT.

389. AND THERE'S YOUR COTTON CANDY.

390. I WONDER WHAT IT'S LIKE UP THERE ON THE LAND.

391. YOU MUST TELL THE ENGLISH TO LEAVE NOW...

392. WHILE I MAKE THE BUTTER.

393. UH, WHAT'S UP, DOC?

394. OUI, I AM FROM FRANCE.

395. I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS RING. IT'S ONE CARROT.

396. OH, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE"

397. RIGHT AFTER THIS.

398. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

399. TONIGHT COLIN AND CHIP

400. ARE GOING TO READ THE CREDITS FOR YOU.

401. I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS

402. AS TWO CHORUS LINE GIRLS IN REHEARSAL

403. BITCHING ABOUT THEIR JOBS. GOOD NIGHT.

404. MY DOGS ARE BARKING.

405. I'M TELLING YOU,

406. THAT DAN PATTERSON IS AFTER OUR JOBS.

407. OH, MY GOD, BRUCE GOWERS.

408. KICK! HIGHER, HIGHER!

409. I GOT A CRAMP!

410. KIM KILLINGSWORTH SAID THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS!

411. DO THE SPLITS RIGHT NOW!

412. OH, DEAR — OW!

413. OH, NO, SHE'S DOWN, SHE'S DOWN!

414. GET MICHELLE PERSHING. SHE KNOWS WHAT TO DO.

415. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND WARNER BROS. INC.