Whose Line Is It Anyway? 3x1

Directed by

Cedric the Entertainer as Self • Gary Anthony Williams as Self

Cedric the Entertainer; guest comic Gary Anthony Williams.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME

2. TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" ON TONIGHT'S SHOW —

3. THIS IS THE FIRST FISH I EVER CAUGHT — WAYNE BRADY.

4. I GOT THIS ONE DOWN IN MEXICO — KATHY GREENWOOD.

5. I CAUGHT THIS ONE UP IN CANADA — COLIN MOCHRIE.

6. AND, HEY, WAVE YOUR HAND IN FRONT OF THIS ONE.

7. HE SINGS AND TELLS JOKES — RYAN STILES.

8. I'M DREW CAREY, YOUR HOST.

9. COME ON DOWN. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

10. HELLO.

11. HELLO. GOOD EVENING,

12. AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?",

13. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP

14. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, JUST LIKE TWINKIES LIGHT.

15. THEY DO NOT MEAN A THING.

16. THESE GUYS ARE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE,

17. THEN WE GIVES THEM THESE STUPID POINTS,

18. WE PICK A FAKE WINNER,

19. AND THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH ME.

20. THE LOSER GETS A HAPPY MEAL,

21. AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT McDONALD'S.

22. SO LET'S GET THE SHOW STARTED

23. WITH A GAME CALLED "WEIRD NEWSCASTERS."

24. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.

25. COLIN, YOU'RE THE ANCHOR OF A NEWS SHOW.

26. KATHY, YOU'RE THE CO-ANCHOR.

27. YOU'RE COLIN'S NAGGING, OVERBEARING WIFE.

28. WAYNE, YOU'RE DOING THE SPORTS.

29. YOU ARE THE MUNCHKINS FROM "THE WIZARD OF OZ."

30. AND RYAN IS THE WEATHERMAN,

31. AND RYAN'S GOING TO SHOW US

32. WHY HE'S KNOWN AROUND THE STATION

33. AS "MR. SEXUAL HARASSMENT."

34. MAN, WHERE DO WE GET THESE IDEAS?

35. WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE MUSIC, COLIN, TAKE IT AWAY.

36. WELCOME TO THE 6:00 NEWS.

37. I'M YOUR ANCHOR, HORST YOU RODE IN ON.

38. OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

39. DISASTER STRUCK A CEILING FAN CONVENTION TONIGHT

40. WHEN THE SCHEDULED ENTERTAINMENT,

41. DR. LINGUINE AND HIS TRAMPOLINING SHEEP,

42. HIT THE FLOOR.

43. ACCORDING TO ONE EYEWITNESS, EVERYTHING WAS FINE

44. UNTIL ONE EXTREMELY HIGH BOUNCE,

45. AND THEN THE SHEEP HIT THE FAN.

46. AND NOW OVER TO MY LOVELY, LOVELY CO-ANCHOR —

47. SARAH BELLUM. SARA.

48. WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU ANYTHING?

49. YOU DON'T LISTEN TO A WORD I SAY ANYWAY.

50. WELL, DEAR, I —

51. IF YOU'D JUST DO WHAT I ASK YOU TO DO.

52. LIGHT BULBS AREN'T FIXED,

53. THE LAWN IS GROWING UP WEEDS —

54. DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY.

55. OH, THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,

56. DOE-EYED "FEEL SORRY FOR ME"

57. THAT GOT ME TO MARRY YOU.

58. AND WHAT A LOSER I WAS TO DO IT.

59. WELL, THANK YOU FOR THAT ENLIGHTENING STORY.

60. THANK YOU FOR NOTHING, BUDDY.

61. THANK YOU.

62. AND NOW OVER TO SPORTS WITH ABDULA OBLONGATA.

63. IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

64. THAT BASEBALL GAME WAS GOING ON AS SCHEDULED,

65. WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN

66. A BIG HOUSE CAME AND KILLED THE PITCHER.

67. HA HA HA HA HA HA!

68. HA HA HA HA!

69. BACK TO YOU, BIG GUY.

70. THANK YOU, ABDULA.

71. THIS JUST IN — HELIUM PRICES UP.

72. WELL, AT LEAST SOMETHING IS.

73. WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE WEATHER.

74. LET'S GO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING

75. THIS WEEK IN THE WEATHER WITH LEE BIDO.

76. LEE? WEATHER.

77. OH, I'M SORRY. AHEM.

78. WELL, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE WEATHER.

79. AS YOU CAN SEE,

80. WE'VE GOT A HUGE COLD FRONT

81. COMING UP FROM THE SOUTH,

82. AND TWO LITTLE COLD FRONTS ON THE EAST.

83. WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING?

84. THINGS ARE GOING TO GET REALLY, REALLY HOT.

85. AND WE GOT TWO COLD FRONTS

86. MOVING IN FROM THE WEST, THE CENTERS BEING

87. THE TROPICAL POINT RIGHT HERE.

88. SO LATER ON IN THE WEEK,

89. THINGS ARE GOING TO GET A LITTLE WET —

90. REALLY MOIST, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

91. ARE YOU GOING TO LET HIM DO THIS?

92. BACK TO YOU.

93. YOU'RE GOING TO LET HIM TALK TO ME THAT WAY?

94. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

95. LITTLE WEAK LITTLE LOSER OF A — YOU'RE PATHETIC,

96. AN EMBARRASSMENT.

97. OOPS, DROPPED MY POINTER.

98. OH, YEAH.

99. WELL, THAT'S ALL THE NEWS WE HAVE.

100. JOIN US TOMORROW FOR THE 6:00 NEWS.

101. GOOD NIGHT.

102. THAT WAS GREAT.

103. I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU GUYS TIME-LIFE POINTS FOR THAT.

104. THAT'S ONE POINT A MONTH FOR THE REST

105. OF YOUR STINKIN' LIFE.

106. LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SONG STYLES."

107. THIS IS FOR WAYNE,

108. WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.

109. UH...

110. HA HA HA HA.

111. HE'S LOOKING AROUND LIKE,

112. "I WONDER WHERE DREW WENT. OH!"

113. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

114. MAUREEN.

115. WHAT DO YOU DO?

116. I WORK FOR A TEEN MAGAZINE.

117. WHICH ONE?

118. TEEN STYLE.

119. SHE'S A WRITER FOR TEEN STYLE.

120. COME ON DOWN HERE, MAUREEN.

121. ARE YOU A CONTRIBUTING EDITOR OR SOMETHING?

122. I'M THE EDITOR.

123. YOU'RE THE EDITOR OF TEEN STYLE?

124. OH, MY GOD. COME AND SAY HI TO MAUREEN.

125. HI, MAUREEN. HAVE A SEAT.

126. TEEN STYLE!

127. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

128. MAUREEN'S THE EDITOR OF TEEN STYLE.

129. HOW DO I LOOK, BABY?

130. COME ON, TELL ME, HUH?

131. MAN, IF YOU CAN'T HIT THIS ONE OUT OF THE PARK,

132. I DON'T KNOW.

133. YOU'RE GOING TO SING A SONG TO MAUREEN,

134. WHO IS THE EDITOR OF TEEN STYLE MAGAZINE,

135. AS SISQO...

136. WOW. OKAY.

137. WHO, JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW,

138. IS FAMOUS FOR "THE THONG SONG."

139. SO TAKE IT AWAY.

140. WHAT'S UP, MAUREEN?

141. HOW YOU DOING, BABY?

142. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, GIRL,

143. WHEN YOU PUT ME IN YOUR MAGAZINE.

144. KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

145. SISQO THE DRAGON. LOOK AT THAT.

146. I'M SO SORRY.

147. THANK YOU, MAUREEN.

148. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

149. THANKS. THAT WAS LOVELY.

150. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

151. ALL RIGHT.

152. HEY, 10 EXTRA POINTS FOR PUTTING THE STOOL BACK.

153. HOORAH.

154. HOORAH. LET'S GO ON TO A GAME NOW

155. CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT."

156. THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES.

157. WE HAVE THE AUDIENCE WRITE DOWN SUGGESTIONS,

158. AND ONE OF THE THINGS WE HAVE THEM WRITE DOWN

159. IS SCENES THEY'D LIKE TO SEE.

160. THEY'RE GOING TO ACT OUT AS MANY AS THEY CAN,

161. STARTING WITH "BAD THINGS TO DO DURING AN EARTHQUAKE."

162. GEE, TIME TO SPLIT THAT ATOM.

163. A VASECTOMY DOESN'T HURT.

164. "GRAFFITI FOUND IN THE WHITE HOUSE RESTROOM."

165. FOR A GOOD TIME, JUST TRY THE NEXT DOOR TO THE LEFT.

166. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A CUBAN.

167. YOU MUST BE AT LEAST THIS HIGH

168. TO RIDE THE RIDE.

169. "REJECTED NAMES FOR BRAS."

170. FLAT AND FLAPPY.

171. NEW — NIP UPS.

172. PULLEY BOYS.

173. THE NEW WONDER BLUB-BLUB-BLUB.

174. MILK DUDS.

175. "UNFORTUNATE WEDDING NIGHT CONFESSIONS."

176. OR JUST — HA HA.

177. JUST USE YOUR OWN IF YOU HAVE TO.

178. HA HA.

179. UM...

180. I'M DREW CAREY.

181. AAH!

182. I'M SORRY.

183. THAT'S OKAY.

184. HEY, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR NEW SHOW, MAN.

185. HA HA.

186. "INAPPROPRIATE COMPLIMENTS TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER."

187. YOU ARE LOOKING HOT.

188. ARE YOU WEARING A MILK DUDS?

189. YOU ARE?

190. I'M GOING TO GET YOU ALL FOR THIS.

191. "WHAT DREW CAREY'S THINKING RIGHT NOW."

192. I WISH RYAN WAS STANDING ON THIS SIDE

193. SO I COULD LOOK AT HIS ASS.

194. HEY, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE"

195. RIGHT AFTER THIS.

196. DON'T GO AWAY.

197. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

198. WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

199. YOU KNOW WHAT WE FOUND OUT DURING THE BREAK?

200. THEY FOUND WATER ON MARS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

201. ANOTHER BOTTLE OF $4 IMPORTED WATER.

202. LET'S GO ON TO A GAME — OH, THIS IS A GREAT GAME.

203. I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

204. IT'S CALLED "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?"

205. IN THIS GAME, RYAN AND COLIN

206. ARE GOING TO BE TWO EASILY OFFENDED GUYS

207. WHO KEEP TAKING OFFENSE

208. AT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON SAYS.

209. IT'S CALLED "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?"

210. COLIN IS BEING FITTED FOR A SUIT BY RYAN.

211. TAKE IT AWAY WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.

212. LET ME JUST GET THAT LAST MEASUREMENT THERE.

213. THANK YOU. I NEED THIS FOR THE WEDDING.

214. I NEED IT REALLY QUICKLY, IF I CAN.

215. IT COULD TAKE ABOUT A WEEK TO DO.

216. SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

217. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT I'M SO BIG,

218. MY BUM IS SO BIG, YOU NEED TO ORDER

219. TO VARIOUS COUNTRIES FAR AWAY

220. TO GET ENOUGH MATERIAL TO MAKE A PAIR OF PANTS

221. SO I CAN FIT MY INCREDIBLY OBESE BUTTOCKS

222. INTO A PAIR OF YOUR SPECIALLY MADE

223. LITTLE SUITS?

224. NO, I MEAN I'M THE ONLY ONE WORKING HERE THIS WEEK.

225. OH, OKAY.

226. OH, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

227. I'M JUST WONDERING ABOUT THE COLOR.

228. IT SEEMS KIND OF DARK.

229. I WONDER IF I COULD HAVE A LIGHTER COLOR,

230. MAYBE A LIGHT BLUE.

231. SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

232. I DON'T KNOW COLORS? I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUITS?

233. I WAS SOME UNEMPLOYED GUY BEGGING FOR MONEY

234. AND THEY THREW ME IN HERE TO TRY TO FIT PEOPLE?

235. YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SUITS?

236. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

237. YOU THINK THE DARK, THEN?

238. I'LL GO WITH THE DARK.

239. I'M SORRY, I...

240. I THOUGHT WE'D PUT A DOUBLE-BREASTED ON YOU

241. BECAUSE IT WOULD LOOK NICER, I THINK.

242. HA HA HA HA HA!

243. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

244. ARE YOU SAYING DOUBLE-BREASTED

245. BECAUSE I SHOULD BE WEARING SOME MILK DUDS OR SOMETHING?

246. BECAUSE I HAPPENED TO WEIGH A LITTLE MORE

247. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, AND THEN LOST SOME WEIGHT,

248. THAT I'M STRETCHY IN THE NIPPLE AREA,

249. AND SO NOW MY BREASTS FLAP

250. LIKE TWO LARGE WINGED SOCKS

251. FLAPPING IN THE WIND EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NO WIND

252. AND I SHOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO KEEP MY BREASTS IN

253. SO THEY DON'T POKE PEOPLE'S EYES OUT?

254. IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?

255. NO, I'M JUST SAYING THEY'RE ON SALE.

256. REALLY? HOW MUCH?

257. $38.99.

258. $38.99? OKAY. WELL, I'LL HAVE THAT, THEN.

259. I'LL TAKE THAT.

260. SO I HAVE THE SUIT, I HAVE THE SHOES,

261. MAYBE A NICE HAT

262. WITH A NICE RIBBON OR A BIG HANDKERCHIEF.

263. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

264. I'M A GUY WHO CAN WEAR A HAT, HUH?

265. LOOK AT THE TALL FREAK,

266. PROBABLY CAN'T FIT A HAT ON THAT HUGE MELON OF HIS?

267. IT'S GOING TO SLIP DOWN OVER MY HEAD

268. AND DOWN MY SCRAWNY NECK ONTO MY SHOULDERS

269. AND I'LL LOOK LIKE SOME CARTOON CHARACTER?

270. YEAH, ACTUALLY, THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY.

271. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

272. THANK YOU. MAN, I LAUGHED SO HARD,

273. I ALMOST BUSTED OUT OF MY MILK DUDS.

274. OKAY, LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS."

275. KATHY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOSTING A PARTY,

276. WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN HERE?

277. WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE THE GUESTS.

278. WE'VE GIVEN EACH OF THEM A STRANGE QUIRK OR IDENTITY,

279. AND, KATHY, YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHAT THEY ARE.

280. I'LL BRING YOU IN WITH THE DOORBELL.

281. OKAY.

282. HI!

283. GREAT.

284. HA HA. WELL...

285. HIS MAJESTY ENJOYS YOUR 2-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

286. EXCUSE ME. GOSH, YOU'RE FUN AT A PARTY.

287. HI.

288. HI, HOW ARE YOU?

289. I'M GREAT. COME ON IN.

290. I'M HUNGRY.

291. ARE YOU? WELL, WE'VE GOT FOOD HE—

292. AH, EXCELLENT.

293. GOT SOME CHEESE TO GO WITH THE HAM?

294. YEAH, UH...

295. YOU MUST NOT LET YOUR GUESTS DEVOUR THE CHIEF.

296. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING LEANER?

297. EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE.

298. HELLO, COME ON... IN.

299. OH, SOMEONE'S WORN THE SAME THING I HAVE.

300. WELL, I-I'M SORRY.

301. I-I JUST — YOU KNOW —

302. IT'S THE FINEST FORM OF FLATTERY, ISN'T IT?

303. OH, IS IT? IS IT REALLY?

304. I DON'T THINK SO. I'M PUTTING ON STREISAND.

305. EXCELLENT! A SUB.

306. WHOEVER THAT WAS, DO IT AGAIN.

307. MM.

308. YOU'RE SPEAKING MY LINGO, BIG MAN.

309. TOM-TOM PAPA.

310. TOM-TOM PAPA TO YOU.

311. HE WISHES YOU TO MARRY HIM.

312. WE MUST PERFORM THE CEREMONY.

313. OH!

314. LISTEN, IT'S GREAT HAVING, UH...

315. WHOEVER THAT IS, NEVER STOP.

316. IT'S GREAT HAVING THE ENTIRE "LION KING" SHOW

317. HERE AT MY PARTY.

318. NO.

319. DOES THIS LOOK LIKE SOMETHING

320. FROM "THE LION KING"?

321. IT LOOKS SOMETHING LIKE — FROM A FASHION SHOW?

322. IF YOU WERE A TOP SUPERMODEL...

323. A SUPERMODEL WORKING THEIR WAY DOWN?

324. I DON'T THINK SO.

325. WELL, IF YOU'RE RuPAUL, THEN, OR —

326. CLOSE ENOUGH.

327. [ SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE ]

328. IN OUR COUNTRY THEY DO NOT WEAR MILK DUDS.

329. YOU SHOULD LET YOURS FREE.

330. WELL, UM...

331. I-I-I'M SURE YOU COME FROM SOME STRANGE ISLAND,

332. UH, TRIBE, AND I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE WITH YOUR CHIEF.

333. UM...

334. OKAY.

335. NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

336. BUT YOU JUST STAY AWAY.

337. GOT ANY FRIES?

338. OKAY, YOU'RE VERY HUNGRY, YOU'RE A BIT OF A PIG,

339. AND YOU LIKE EATING PEOPLE'S BUTTS.

340. OH, IT WAS SO EASY.

341. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

342. DON'T GO AWAY.

343. HELLO, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

344. TONIGHT'S WINNER — KATHY GREENWOOD.

345. KATHY GREENWOOD'S THE WINNER, AT THE DESK THERE.

346. WE'RE GOING TO DO A GAME CALLED "THE IRISH DRINKING SONG,"

347. AND WHAT IT IS IS WE MAKE UP A DRINKING SONG

348. ONE LINE AT A TIME,

349. AND WHAT WE NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE

350. IS, BY APPLAUSE, WHO DO YOU WANT US TO SING ABOUT?

351. RYAN...

352. COLIN...

353. WAYNE...

354. DREW.

355. SO AN IRISH DRINKING SONG ABOUT ME, ONE LINE AT A TIME,

356. WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL ON THE PIANO. TAKE IT AWAY.

357. HA HA HA.

358. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

359. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

360. WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW

361. WITH SOMEBODY READING THE CREDITS,

362. AND THAT SOMEONE'S GOING TO BE KATHY AND COLIN.

363. KATHY, YOU ARE A BAD-TEMPERED FILM STAR

364. COMPLAINING TO ANGRY DIRECTOR COLIN ABOUT YOUR COSTARS.

365. WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

366. I'VE HAD IT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

367. I'M NOT WORKING WITH MARK LEVESON ANYMORE.

368. I WORK WITH RYAN STILES. YOU THINK THAT'S EASY?

369. DON'T YELL AT ME. WITHOUT ME, YOU'VE ONLY GOT TOM PARK.

370. IF I HAD DREW CAREY,

371. THIS WOULD BE GOING OFF WITH NO PROBLEMS AT ALL.

372. YOU WANT ME TO WALK? I'LL TAKE RAY MILLER WITH ME.

373. TAKE YOUR ENTIRE ENTOURAGE WITH EVE McGORRILL, EVERYONE.

374. FINE. JULIE RHINE, COME WITH ME, BABY.

375. OH, I WISH YOU WOULD — THEN MARK MATTHEWS

376. WOULD PUT THIS PRODUCTION ON THE MAP.

377. I QUIT!

378. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND WARNER BROS. INC.