Whose Line Is It Anyway? 2x24

1. GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

2. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW — "YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE" WAYNE BRADY,

3. "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANCING" CHIP ESTEN,

4. "YOU ARE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS" COLIN MOCHRIE,

5. AND "YOU DID A BAD, BAD THING" RYAN STILES.

6. I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.

7. COME ON DOWN. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

8. HELLO.

9. WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYW?",

10. THE SHOW WHERE — THANK YOU, RYAN —

11. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP

12. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

13. THAT'S RIGHT, POINTS ARE LIKE,

14. I DON'T KNOW, SPY SATELLITES OVER CANADA.

15. WHY DO WE BOTHER? DON'T MEAN A DAMN THING.

16. WHAT HAPPENS IS THESE GUYS COME UP,

17. THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYTHING UP FOR YOU

18. RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF THEIR HEADS,

19. AND THEN WE GIVE THEM POINTS AT THE END OF EVERY GAME —

20. I DON'T KNOW WHY —

21. AND WE PICK OUR SO-CALLED WINNER AT THE END OF THE SHOW.

22. THE WINNER GETS TO DO A LITTLE SOMETHING SPECIAL,

23. AND THE LOSER HAS TO LOAD THE MULE.

24. LITTLE HINTS FOR YOU, LITTLE THINGS TO COME.

25. WE'RE GOING TO START THE SHOW OFF

26. WITH A GAME CALLED "SUPERHEROES."

27. COLIN, YOU'RE GOING TO START.

28. RYAN, CHIP, AND WAYNE ARE GOING TO COME IN.

29. COLIN'S AN UNLIKELY SUPERHERO.

30. THEY'RE GOING TO NAME EACH OTHER'S SUPERHERO NAMES

31. AS THEY COME IN.

32. WHAT WE NEED FIRST IS AN UNLIKELY NAME OF A SUPERHERO.

33. CHEESEMAN.

34. CHEESEMAN.

35. YEAH, CHEESEMAN'S GOING TO BE OKAY.

36. WHAT KIND OF CRISIS WOULD WE BE DEALING WITH TODAY?

37. WE'RE OUT OF SPAM.

38. OUT OF SPAM, I LIKE THAT ONE.

39. OUT OF SPAM.

40. CHEESEMAN, WE'RE OUT OF SPAM.

41. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

42. MMM. THAT'S GOUDA.

43. HOLY CURDS!

44. IT LOOKS LIKE SPAM HAS RUN OUT

45. ALL OVER THE WORLD.

46. WHAT CAN I DO?

47. I'LL NEED MY SUPERFRIENDS QUICKLY,

48. OR SLOWLY.

49. SORRY I'M LATE.

50. AH, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE,

51. RANDOM-ACTS- OF-VIOLENCE BOY.

52. SORRY, THAT WAS RATHER RANDOM.

53. I'M HERE.

54. THANK GOD!

55. THANK GOD, CAPTAIN LIMBO.

56. MISSED ME.

57. MISSED AGAIN.

58. MISSED AGAIN.

59. HA HA!

60. SORRY I'M LATE.

61. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, CAPTAIN HUGS-A-LOT.

62. MM-HMM.

63. NOW WHAT CAN I DO? WHAT CAN I —

64. OHH.

65. WE — OHH.

66. WE'RE OUT OF SPAM! WE'RE OUT OF SPAM!

67. OUT OF SPAM? I'LL RUN TO THE STORE.

68. I KNOW THE GUY.

69. I'LL GIVE HIM A BIG HUG AND GET CANS FOR EVERYONE.

70. I LOVE YOU.

71. I'LL GO CHECK UNDER THE TABLE.

72. GOT TO GO. SORRY ABOUT WHAT I DID EARLIER.

73. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

74. WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE CRISIS IS AVERTED.

75. I'LL GO DOWN TO THE SCHOOLYARD

76. AND GIVE CHILDREN ALL OF THE CHEESE I HAVE,

77. BUT — OH, NO, I DON'T GIVE EDAM.

78. EDAM IS A CROSSWORD PUZZLE CHEESE.

79. YES, EXACTLY.

80. 2,000 POINTS FOR ALL OF YOU

81. FOR MAKING THE WORLD SAFE...

82. FOR SPAM.

83. NICE TO KNOW WE CAN RAISE OUR CHILDREN

84. IN A WORLD FREE OF SPAM BANDITS.

85. NOW LET'S GO TO A GAME CALLED "TITLE SEQUENCE."

86. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.

87. LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR ARE GOING TO HELP THEM.

88. WAYNE AND CHIP ARE GOING TO SING

89. A TITLE SONG TO A MADE-UP TV SITCOM,

90. AND RYAN AND COLIN ARE GOING TO ACT OUT

91. THE OPENING SEQUENCE.

92. WHAT WE NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE —

93. WE NEED THE NAME OF AN UNLIKELY SITCOM

94. BASED ON, LIKE, TWO UNLIKELY ROOMMATES.

95. "SCHOOLGIRL AND SATAN."

96. "SCHOOLGIRL AND SATAN." OKAY, GREAT.

97. WHAT WAS THE OTHER SATAN ONE THAT WAS —

98. JUST WAITING FOR SCHOOLGIRL.

99. CAN I HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER

100. WHEN THE SHOW IS OVER?

101. "SATAN AND THE SCHOOLGIRL."

102. YEAH, HONEY, I'D LOVE TO PLAY THAT GAME WITH YOU.

103. SO, WAYNE AND CHIP,

104. LET'S HEAR THE TITLE SONG TO THE HIT ABC SITCOM

105. "SATAN AND THE SCHOOLGIRL."

106. COMING THIS FALL —

107. "SATAN AND THE SCHOOLGIRL."

108. I SMELL A SPIN-OFF.

109. LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SCEN FROM A HAT."

110. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.

111. NOW, BEFORE THE SHOW,

112. WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN

113. SUGGESTIONS FOR THINGS THEY'D LIKE TO SEE,

114. AND WE PUT A BUNCH IN THIS HAT —

115. THE GOOD ONES, NOT THE CRUMMY ONES.

116. I'M GOING TO READ THEM

117. AND SEE HOW MANY THE PERFORMERS CAN ACT OUT.

118. LET'S START WITH

119. "ODD DEFINITIONS FOUND IN WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY."

120. REPTILE — SEE LAWYER.

121. CIGAR — PRESIDENTIAL AIDE.

122. PRACTICAL JOKE — SEE FOOLING SOMEONE.

123. FOOLING SOMEONE — SEE PRACTICAL JOKE.

124. PRACTICAL JOKE —

125. ALL RIGHT.

126. "INAPPROPRIATE THINGS TO DO WITH A LOVED ONE'S ASHES."

127. IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

128. IN THE SAME VEIN,

129. "BAD THINGS TO SAY

130. TO SOMEONE ON THEIR DEATHBED."

131. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR STEREO?

132. PEEKABOO!

133. PEEKABOO!

134. PEEKABOO!

135. ABOUT THAT 20 BUCKS YOU OWE ME...

136. IT'S ME — DEATH.

137. JUST KIDDING.

138. SO WHEN DO YOU THINK JANE WILL BE READY TO DATE AGAIN?

139. OH, BOY.

140. "THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ON YOUR TV SCREEN."

141. DREW CAREY NAKED, WRESTLING CHIMPANZEES.

142. "PRIZES YOU'D LIKE TO FIND IN YOUR CEREAL BOX."

143. PAMELA ANDERSON.

144. "BAD SONGS TO SERENADE HER WITH."

145. WHO?

146. HER.

147. ANY SPECIAL SOMEONE.

148. "LINES YOU SHOULD NOT OPEN A SERMON WITH."

149. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

150. HOW'S IT HANGING?

151. LET'S GET READY TO GOSPEL!

152. OKAY, THAT'S IT.

153. WE'RE GOING TO SEE A COMMERCIAL.

154. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

155. LET ME ASK THE AUDIENCE A QUESTION —

156. WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

157. TOO BAD 'CAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?",

158. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP

159. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

160. THAT'S RIGHT.

161. THE POINTS ARE LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

162. SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

163. NOW LET'S MOVE ON TO A GAME CALLED "NARRATE."

164. THIS IS FOR COLIN AND RYAN.

165. YOU'RE GOING TO ACT OUT A FILM NOIR SCENE

166. AND NARRATE FOR EACH OTHER TO THE STYLISTIC MUSIC

167. THAT WE ALREADY SELECTED,

168. AND WHAT WE'D LIKE FROM THE AUDIENCE

169. IS AN UNLIKELY PLACE,

170. JUST AN EVERYDAY PLACE PEOPLE MIGHT MEET.

171. COFFEE SHOP.

172. OH, GAS STATION. SORRY, WE HAVE A WINNER.

173. SO, YOU'RE AT A GAS STATION,

174. AND GO AHEAD AND START THE SCENE.

175. HE HAD THE KIND OF FACE ONLY A MOTHER COULD LOVE...

176. IF THAT MOTHER WAS BLIND IN ONE EYE

177. AND HAD THAT SORT OF MILKY FILM

178. OVER THE OTHER ONE.

179. YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

180. BUT STILL, HE WAS MY IDENTICAL TWIN.

181. IT HAD TAKEN ME EIGHT YEARS

182. TO TRACK HIM DOWN TO THIS GAS STATION.

183. JED, IT'S ME — PHIL.

184. I RECOGNIZED THE VOICE,

185. AND I WAS LOOKING RIGHT UP HIS DRESS.

186. I KNEW WHO IT WAS.

187. LONG TIME, NO SEE.

188. YEAH, LAST TIME I SAW HIM,

189. HE TRIED TO MURDER ME.

190. BUT WHEN YOU KILL SOMEONE BY CHOPPING OFF THEIR HEAD,

191. ROLLING THEM UP IN A CARPET, AND BURNING IT,

192. YOU'D BETTER MAKE SURE THEY'RE DEAD.

193. WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

194. I CAME BY FOR MY PART OF THE INHERITANCE.

195. NICE GAS STATION YOU OPENED UP.

196. THANKS.

197. APPARENTLY HE'D FORGOTTEN

198. WHY HE WAS KICKED OUT OF TOWN

199. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

200. THE SHERIFF CAUGHT HIM GIVING HIS WIFE A LUBE JOB

201. IN LATE NOVEMBER.

202. I WASN'T GOING TO BRING IT UP AGAIN.

203. I KNEW IT WAS A TOUCHY SUBJECT WITH HIM.

204. HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE THE LUBE JOB.

205. HEY!

206. COME ON! WHAT THE HELL?

207. NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN!

208. SORRY, IT SLIPPED.

209. I OVERREACTED,

210. BUT THAT WAS JUST TO KEEP HIM OFF GUARD

211. FOR WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO DO NEXT.

212. YOU OWE ME $100,000.

213. AHH!

214. YEAH, IT HURT,

215. BUT I WASN'T GOING TO LET HIM SEE THAT.

216. I WAS GOING TO PLAY IT COOL

217. LIKE I ALWAYS DO.

218. WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

219. AND NOW I'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING

220. I SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO.

221. TAKE IT EASY WITH THE RIVET GUN.

222. YOU AIN'T GOING TO RIVET NO ONE.

223. WHAT HE DIDN WAS —

224. KNOW WAS OR WAS KNOW -

225. WAS THAT I WAS DYSLEXIC.

226. THAT'S EACH 1,000 YOU POINTS FOR.

227. THAT MADE SENSE TO ME.

228. MADE SENSE TO ME.

229. NOW LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "GREATEST HITS."

230. THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU

231. WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL, LINDA TAYLOR,

232. AND ANNA WANSELIUS.

233. COLIN AND RYAN ARE TV ANNOUNCER GUYS,

234. AND THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM

235. THEY'RE TRYING TO SELL.

236. WAYNE AND CHIP ARE GOING TO TRY

237. TO SING THE SONGS THESE GUYS THROW OUT.

238. WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE

239. IS SOMETHING YOU LOOK TO FIND IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

240. OH, I HEARD PIZZA.

241. OKAY, PIZZA. WE'LL DO PIZZA.

242. PIZZA PARLOR IT IS.

243. SO, THE NAME OF YOUR ALBUM

244. IS "SONGS OF THE PIZZA PLACE."

245. WE'LL BE BACK TO OUR LOW-BUDGET MUSICAL COMEDY

246. "THREE BRIDES FOR A BROTHER"

247. IN JUST A SECOND.

248. YOU KNOW, AS LONG AS THERE'S BEEN CHEESE

249. AND SMALL SALTY FISH, THERE'S BEEN PIZZA.

250. PEOPLE HAVE LOVED IT FOR CENTURIES,

251. OR HUNDREDS OF YEARS AT LEAST.

252. YOU KNOW, COLIN, AN INTERESTING FACT

253. IS PIZZA WAS DISCOVERED —

254. OR MADE FIRST, NOT DISCOVERED,

255. 'CAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE UNDER A ROCK OR SOMETHING —

256. MADE FIRST HERE IN AMERICA

257. AND NOT IN ITALY AS MOST PEOPLE THINK.

258. I KNEW THAT.

259. FUN FACT.

260. YOU KNOW, WE'VE PUT TOGETHER

261. ALL THE SONGS ABOUT PIZZA THAT WE COULD FIND —

262. AND THAT'S 30 OF THEM — ON THIS 2-CD SET.

263. YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A COLLEGE STUDENT,

264. I USED TO GO TO THE ALPS,

265. WHERE I LEARNED HOW TO YODEL

266. AND RESCUE PEOPLE STUCK IN THE SNOW,

267. AND THAT'S WHY THIS NEXT SONG

268. HOLDS A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

269. THAT YODELING COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG —

270. "MOZZARELLA- LA-LA-LA-LA-LA."

271. WHOO-HOO!

272. OH, THAT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES

273. OF PEOPLE BEING TRAPPED IN THE SNOW

274. AND HAVING TO EAT EACH OTHER.

275. GOOD TIMES.

276. I WAS IN COLLEGE DURING THE '60s.

277. THERE WAS A LOT OF PROTESTS AROUND,

278. BUT I WAS TOO BUSY ORGANIZING PEP RALLIES,

279. AND THAT'S WHY THIS NEXT SONG —

280. OH, I STUDIED, TOO. STUDIED VERY HARD.

281. I DIDN'T GET VERY FAR. LOOK.

282. YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE.

283. OH, THANKS.

284. BUT STILL, WHEN I HEAR THIS COLLEGE FIGHT SONG,

285. I JUST MELT,

286. AND THAT SONG, OF COURSE, IS "PIZZA HECK OUT OF YOU."

287. YEAH!

288. WHOO-HOO!

289. WHOO-HOO!

290. WHOO-HOO!

291. HEY, COLIN.

292. YES, RYAN?

293. YOU THINK $60.95 IS TOO MUCH TO ASK

294. FOR A CD SET LIKE THIS?

295. CERTAINLY NOT.

296. THAT'S WHAT IT IS, THEN — $60.95.

297. YOU KNOW, COLIN,

298. GROWING UP IN THE '40s AS I DID,

299. THERE'S ONE SONG THAT'S CLOSE TO MY HEART

300. TO THIS DAY.

301. IT'S A DOO-WOP HIT.

302. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER IT.

303. NO, I DON'T.

304. I DON'T EITHER.

305. IT'S A DOO-WOP HIT, AND ITS TITLE IS —

306. OH, THE ANTICIPATION IS INCREDIBLE.

307. I BET IT'S GOING TO BE SO HILARIOUS.

308. OH.

309. HAVE I TOLD YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE WORKING WITH YOU?

310. IT'S THAT DOO-WOP HIT "KEEP THE BUCK."

311. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

312. HEY, THAT'S GREAT.

313. WHEN WE COME BK, THE WINNER GETS TO DO

314. A LITTLE SOMETHING SPECIAL WITH ME.

315. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

316. TONIGHT'S WINNERS — RYAN AND COLIN.

317. RYAN AND COLIN WERE WINNERS.

318. THEY'RE GOING TO DO A GAME WITH ME

319. CALLED "90-SECOND ALPHABET."

320. WE HE TO DO A SCENE FOR YOU

321. IN 90 SECONDS,

322. AND WE HAVE TO USE THE WHOLE ALPHABET

323. STARTING WITH WHAT LETTER?

324. "Q."

325. "Q," STARTING WITH "Q."

326. WHEN WE GET BACK TO "Q," IT ENDS.

327. WHAT'S THE SCENE?

328. YOU GUYS ARE AT A ZOO.

329. TOURIST COUPLE COLIN AND DREW RUSH UP TO ZOO KEEPER RYAN

330. TO REPORT THAT ANIMALS ARE ESCAPING, AND GO.

331. QUICK, ANIMALS ARE ESCAPING!

332. REALLY?

333. SURE, LOOK.

334. TENS OF THEM,

335. JUST RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE WILD.

336. USUALLY I JUST SWEEP UP,

337. BUT I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

338. COME BACK!

339. VIPERS!

340. THEY'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS.

341. WINGED VIPERS.

342. XAVIER HOLLANDER ONCE TOLD ME

343. THAT WHENEVER ANIMALS ESCAPE,

344. YOU SHOULD PLAY IT COOL, AND THEY'LL COME BACK.

345. YES, AND WHAT ELSE DID SHE SAY?

346. ZOUNDS, MAN, TELL US!

347. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.

348. BOY, YOU'RE NO HELP!

349. COW! THERE'S A COW!

350. DEAR, DEAR, DEAR, COWS ARE FINE.

351. EVERY COW IN THIS PLACE HAS BEEN VACCINATED,

352. DON'T FEAR.

353. FEAR? I DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF IT.

354. GOOD.

355. HEY, WHAT'S A COW DOING IN A ZOO

356. IN THE FIRST PLACE?

357. WHAT KIND OF ZOO IS THIS?

358. I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

359. THIS IS A VERY STRANGE ZOO.

360. "JUST VERY STRANGE ZOO."

361. I NEVER NOTICED THE SIGN BEFORE.

362. KINKY, HUH?

363. LIKE WE'VE NEVER SEEN SOME KIND OF SCAM LIKE THIS BEFORE.

364. I WANTY MONEY BACK.

365. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT BACK.

366. NO.

367. OH, REALLY?

368. PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE ME TO CALL THE MANAGER?

369. BOB?

370. "YES?"

371. QUEER KIND OF A THING JUST HAPPENED.

372. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

373. MORE "WHOSE LINE" RIGHT AFTER THIS.

374. WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

375. WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW TONIGHT

376. WITH CHIP AND WAYNE READING THE CREDITS.

377. I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS

378. AS TWO PREACHERS HARANGUING THE CONGREGATION

379. ABOUT THEIR MANY SINS.

380. SEE YOU LATER, EVERYBODY.

381. NOW, MANY OF YOU HAVE SINNED LIKE DAN PATTERSON.

382. AND RYAN STILES 3:15 SAYS YOU SHOULDN'T.

383. MARK LEVESON HAS BEEN DRUNK EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE.

384. DAN CUTFORTH IS A FORNICATOR.

385. CHARLES ESTEN AND RYAN STILES —

386. THEY ARE SINNERS, SINNERS!

387. PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND PRAY FOR BRUCE BAUM.

388. TO YOU, AND TO YOU.

389. AND BRUCE SOLBERG — HE IS THE LIGHT. AMEN.

390. — Captions by VITAC — www.vitac.com.

391. CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND WARNER BROS. INC.