Whose Line Is It Anyway? 1x9

1. - GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY,

2. AND WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

3. ON TONIGHT'S SHOW, LUXURY ITEM — WAYNE BRADY.

4. EVERY HOME SHOULD HAVE ONE — JEFF DAVIS.

5. BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE — COLIN MOCHRIE.

6. AND EVERYTHING MUST GO — RYAN STILES.

7. AND I'M AISHA TYLER.

8. LET'S MAKE SOME STUFF UP.

9. WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

10. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING'S MADE UP

11. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

12. NOW, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE,

13. THE IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER HERE

14. IS THAT EVERYTHING THE PERFORMERS DO TONIGHT

15. IS COMPLETELY MADE UP OFF THE TOP OF THEIR HEADS

16. AND BASED ON SUGGESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE

17. AND THESE CARDS THAT I HAVE RIGHT HERE.

18. THEY HAVEN'T BEEN GIVEN ANY HINTS AS TO WHAT'S COMING.

19. IT'S AMAZING TO WATCH AND A LOT OF FUN,

20. SO LET'S GET STARTED.

21. OUR FIRST GAME IS CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT."

22. THE GAME IS FOR ALL FOUR OF OUR PERFORMERS.

23. NOW, BEFORE THE SHOW, WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE

24. TO WRITE DOWN SCENES

25. THEY'D LIKE TO SEE ACTED OUT BY OUR PERFORMERS,

26. AND I'VE GOT THE BEST ONES IN THIS HAT,

27. WHICH IS PINK 'CAUSE I'M A GIRL.

28. I'M GONNA READ THEM OUT, AND WE'RE GONNA SEE

29. HOW MANY THE PERFORMERS CAN ACT OUT.

30. - YOU GUYS READY? - YEAH.

31. - WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN?

32. - LET'S DO IT.

33. - "UNLIKELY CARTOON CHARACTERS

34. TO CAMEO IN AN ADULT MOVIE."

35. - [ As Scooby-Doo ] RUH-OH!

36. OH. OH.

37. HOO-HOO!

38. ENTER, STAGE RIGHT.

39. THAT'S ALL, FOLKS.

40. BE VERY, VERY QUIET.

41. - "WEIRD THINGS TO HAPPEN..."

42. "... AT A DOCTOR'S EXAM."

43. I GUESS I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE.

44. THAT'S A RECTAL THERMOMETER.

45. - ALL RIGHT, WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED WITH YOUR EXAMINATION.

46. I'M JUST GONNA NEED YOU

47. TO TRANSPORT A COUPLE PACKAGES FOR ME.

48. YOU WANT TO GO TO MEXICO, RIGHT?

49. - I'M SORRY.

50. YOU HAVE A CREAMY CENTER.

51. - YOU TOOK THE LAXATIVE EARLIER?

52. OKAY, WOULD YOU LIE ON YOUR STOMACH?

53. ALL RIGHT.

54. PULL!

55. - THAT'S THE CREAMY CENTER.

56. - YEAH, I KNOW.

57. - "THINGS THAT YOU MIGHT REGRET SAYING ON A FIRST DATE."

58. - JUST DID IT.

59. - I AM JUST CRAZY ABOUT YOU, LORNA.

60. I MEAN, I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

61. I'm so crazy about you.

62. I'M SO CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

63. - SO, UH, IS YOUR MOTHER SEEING ANYONE?

64. IS YOUR FATHER SEEING ANYONE?

65. - BUY ME SOMETHING.

66. - CREAMY CENTER? - BIGGER.

67. - AH, HOP IN THE TRUNK — I MEAN THE FRONT, THE FRONT, THE FRONT.

68. HOP IN THE FRONT.

69. - SO, UH, YOU MIND IF MY FRIENDS COME ALONG?

70. - YEAH!

71. - DO NOT GO AWAY.

72. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

73. WITH MUCH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" RIGHT AFTER THIS.

74. - WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

75. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP

76. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

77. AND NOW LET'S PLAY A GAME CALLED "DUBBING,"

78. AND THIS IS A GAME FOR WAYNE, COLIN, AND RYAN,

79. AND IS ALSO GONNA INCLUDE OUR SPECIAL GUEST —

80. TV STAR AND BOXING CHAMP LAILA ALI.

81. SO, THE WAY THIS IS GONNA WORK

82. IS THAT COLIN, RYAN, AND LAILA ARE GONNA ACT OUT A SCENE,

83. BUT, LAILA, YOU'RE NOT GONNA ACTUALLY SPEAK, OKAY?

84. ALL YOUR LINES ARE GONNA BE PROVIDED BY WAYNE,

85. SO ALL YOU HAVE TO DO

86. IS JUST MOVE YOUR MOUTH WHEN WAYNE TALKS.

87. TRY TO FOLLOW ALONG WITH WHATEVER HE SAYS.

88. YOUR SCENE IS THE FLIRTATIOUS FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER COLIN...

89. IS TAKING PICTURES OF SUPERMODEL LAILA

90. WHEN HER JEALOUS MODEL BOYFRIEND RYAN

91. ANGRILY KICKS DOWN THE DOOR AND CONFRONTS THEM.

92. YES. GO.

93. OH, YOU ARE GIVING ME SO MUCH.

94. I CAN BARELY STAND IT.

95. HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE?

96. BECAUSE IF THEY DID, THEY DIDN'T USE THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF WORDS.

97. - OOH. HOW BEAUTIFUL DO YOU THINK I AM?

98. OOP! OOH.

99. - WELL, LET ME JUST HOLD MY CAMERA AND SEE WHAT DEVELOPS.

100. - OOH. - YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIF—

101. HI. - OH.

102. - SO...

103. - I'M SORRY. WHAT IS THIS?

104. - USUALLY, MY WIFE KICKS IN THE DOOR FOR ME.

105. WHAT DO WE HAVE GOING ON HERE?

106. - RAHEEM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

107. - I'M SORRY. WHO IS THIS SKINNY THING?

108. - THIS IS MY HUSBAND, RAHEEM.

109. WELL, SOON-TO-BE HUSBAND.

110. BUT YOU KNOW THAT I'M JUST MODELING.

111. I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING UNTOWARD.

112. - YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO A WATER PARK,

113. AND I FIND YOU HERE WITH HIM?

114. - I CALL MY SPACE "THE WATER PARK."

115. SHE WAS NOT LYING, YOU SCRAWNY PIECE OF BEEF.

116. - I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE IN THE NUDE.

117. PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

118. - LISTEN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW I WORK!

119. - DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME?

120. - I WANT TO BE WITH —

121. - I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU. - OH, ALL RIGHT.

122. - IT'S SO HARD TO DECIDE.

123. IT'S SO HARD TO DECIDE BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY ONE

124. THAT REALLY CAN PUT UP WITH MY NARCOLEPSY.

125. - YOU CAN'T WAKE HER UP. YOU CAN'T WAKE HER UP.

126. I KNOW THE CODE WORD. CHICKEN!

127. - ONLY ONE THING WAKES HER UP, AND THAT'S "CHICKEN."

128. - WOW.

129. - THE WORD "CHICKEN."

130. - THE ACTUAL WORD — YES, I UNDERSTAND.

131. - I THINK PERHAPS YOU HAVE THE NARCOLEPSY

132. BECAUSE YOU ARE WITH HIM.

133. WITH ME, YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP.

134. I WILL TAKE YOU AROUND THE WORLD TWICE.

135. - OH, LIFT ME UP IN YOUR ARMS AND TAKE ME.

136. LIFT ME — LIFT ME IN YOUR ARMS.

137. - I SEE.

138. OHH.

139. - HUGE THANKS TO LAILA ALI, EVERYBODY.

140. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THAT WAS TERRIFYING.

141. 1,000 POINTS TO COLIN'S BACK DOCTOR.

142. EXCELLENT. - PERFECT.

143. - ALL RIGHT, NEXT, WE'RE GONNA PLAY A GAME CALLED "PROPS."

144. RYAN AND JEFF, HERE ARE YOUR PROPS.

145. COME AND GET THEM.

146. THANK YOU.

147. AND, WAYNE AND COLIN, THESE ARE FOR YOU.

148. EXCELLENT.

149. NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL WITH THIS GAME —

150. YOU JUST HAVE TO USE YOUR PROPS

151. IN AS MANY INTERESTING WAYS AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

152. LET'S START WITH RYAN AND JEFF.

153. - LET ME GIVE YOU A HINT. IT AIN'T HEAVEN.

154. - ARR, BILLY!

155. - CAPTAIN, I'M PICKING UP SOMETHING ON OUR SENSORS.

156. - EIGHT BALL IN THE SIDE POCKET.

157. - ANAKIN.

158. NO.

159. - I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE DIED HAPPY.

160. - YOU MUST BE ARIEL.

161. "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK."

162. - ARR, REDBEARD.

163. - WELL, DOCTOR, I WAS RUNNING, I DIDN'T SEE THE WALL...

164. BECAUSE MY BREASTS WERE TOO BIG.

165. - ELTON JOHN, TABLE FOR ONE.

166. - YABBA-DABBA-DOO!

167. - JOIN ME AFTER THE BREAK

168. FOR MORE HILARIOUS GAMES FROM THE GUYS

169. ON "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

170. - WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

171. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP

172. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

173. NOW, NEXT UP IS A GAME CALLED "GREATEST HITS,"

174. AND THIS IS A GAME FOR ALL FOUR OF OUR PERFORMERS.

175. WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR

176. ON PIANO AND GUITAR.

177. RYAN AND COLIN ARE TWO TV VOICE-OVER ARTISTS

178. TALKING ABOUT THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM.

179. - OH! - YES.

180. AND WAYNE AND JEFF ARE GONNA SING

181. SNIPPETS OF THE SONGS ON THAT ALBUM.

182. NOW, I NEED A SUGGESTION FROM THE AUDIENCE HERE.

183. SO, COULD YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING

184. THAT CONCERNS YOU WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER?

185. I FEEL LIKE I'M HEARING "ACNE."

186. "ACNE" SEEMS TO BE COMING UP.

187. I, SADLY, AM STILL WORRIED ABOUT ACNE NOW, SO, YES.

188. A MORTGAGE AND ACNE — GREAT COMBINATION.

189. ALL RIGHT, SO, THE NAME OF YOUR ALBUM IS "SONGS OF ACNE."

190. TAKE IT AWAY.

191. - WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO THE CW REMAKE

192. OF "GRUMPY OLD MEN"

193. WITH JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND A FETUS IN JUST A SECOND.

194. - OH.

195. AND WE'VE ASSEMBLED SIX SONGS ON 84 CDs ALL ABOUT ACNE.

196. - WELL, ACNE CAN ACTUALLY STRIKE YOU AT ANY AGE.

197. MANY PEOPLE THINK IT JUST HAPPENS TO TEENAGERS,

198. BUT I KNOW THAT MANY OLD PEOPLE GET IT, TOO.

199. - THAT'S TRUE.

200. YOU KNOW, COLIN,

201. IF ERIN MORAN MARRIED SCOTT BAIO,

202. WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

203. - OLD NEWS.

204. - NO, SHE WOULD MARRY CHACHI —

205. "MARRY-ACHI" — MARIACHI — THAT'S OUR FIRST MUSIC STYLE.

206. AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK

207. OF MARIACHI MUSIC ALL ABOUT ACNE,

208. I THINK OF THE MARIACHI SONG

209. THAT WAS ON THE TOP OF THE HISPANIC CHARTS

210. FOR OVER FIVE WEEKS STRAIGHT,

211. THAT MARIACHI-ACNE HIT "POP IT."

212. - AHA! - AHA!

213. - GRACIAS, GRACIAS.

214. iESPERA!

215. POP IT. POP IT, PAPI.

216. - OUR APOLOGIES TO THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.

217. - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

218. IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE TALKING IN TONGUES.

219. - I'M SPEAKING FRENCH.

220. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT, BEING FROM CANADA.

221. - THAT WAS NOTHING LIKE FRENCH.

222. - STILL NOT FRENCH.

223. - NOT EVEN CLOSE.

224. "LES MISéRABLES."

225. - NOTHING. - "MES LISéRABLES."

226. - NOT ONE WORD.

227. WELL, TOO BAD,

228. 'CAUSE THIS NEXT SONG IS FROM "LES MISéRABLES."

229. IT'S THAT HUGE "LES MISéRABLES" HIT,

230. "OILY CHEEKS."

231. - DON'T GO AWAY.

232. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

233. WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

234. RIGHT AFTER THIS.

235. - WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

236. THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP

237. AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.

238. AND NOW WE ARE GONNA PLAY A GAME CALLED "HELPING HANDS."

239. THIS IS A GAME FOR COLIN, RYAN, AND OUR STAR GUEST,

240. TV STAR AND BOXING CHAMPION LAILA ALI.

241. YAY.

242. SO EXCITING!

243. ALL RIGHT, SO, IN THIS GAME,

244. RYAN AND LAILA ARE GONNA ACT OUT A SITUATION,

245. BUT RYAN CANNOT USE HIS OWN ARMS,

246. AND SO COLIN IS GONNA PROVIDE THEM FOR HIM.

247. OKAY, THE SCENE YOU'RE GONNA BE ACTING OUT

248. IS THAT RYAN IS LAILA'S GRIZZLED TRAINER

249. HELPING HER PREPARE FOR HER FIRST BIG FIGHT.

250. TAKE IT AWAY.

251. - KID, YOU GOT A BIG FIGHT COMING UP.

252. - YES. YES, I DO. - YOU'RE 34-0 AND RIGHT NOW.

253. AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE OUR FIRST LOSS.

254. - NO, DON'T WANT TO LOSE.

255. - HOW'S THE NUTRITION BEEN? - EXCELLENT.

256. - WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING? - EGGS.

257. - NO! EGGS ARE BAD!

258. - EGGS ARE BAD?

259. - IF THEY'RE BAD FOR CHICKENS, THEY'RE BAD FOR US.

260. - OKAY, SO WHAT SHOULD I EAT?

261. - PASTA'S ALWAYS GOOD.

262. YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THE PASTA.

263. - A WHOLE BOWL OF PASTA?

264. - OH, YEAH, A WHOLE BOWL. I EAT IT BY THE HANDFUL.

265. - OKAY. OKAY.

266. OKAY, COACH, SAVE ME SOME FOR ME.

267. - I BARELY GOT ANY IN MY MOUTH.

268. I'M NOT GONNA USE A FORK, THOUGH.

269. - SAVE SOME FOR ME. SAVE SOME FOR ME.

270. I'M THE FIGHTER. OH, THANK YOU.

271. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

272. - YOU'RE NOT GONNA CHOW DOWN WITH ME?

273. - NO, NO, NO. I'LL LET YOU DO THAT.

274. I WANT TO KEEP MY STOMACH, YOU KNOW, EMPTY.

275. I GOT TO TRAIN. - GOOD IDEA.

276. - OKAY. SO, WHAT NEXT? WHAT NEXT? WHAT DO YOU GOT?

277. - WELL, WE GOT TO GET THE ENERGY GOING,

278. SO WE'LL MAKE SURE —

279. WHAT WE'LL DO...

280. WE'RE GONNA MIX YOU UP AN ENERGY DRINK.

281. 'CAUSE YOU NEED THE EXTRA ENERGY.

282. FIRST, WE'LL GET THE SPAGHETTI OUT OF EVERYTHING.

283. OKAY. WE'LL GET — THERE WE GO.

284. NOW, WE TAKE — WE TAKE THIS,

285. AND WE TAKE THE PLASTIC CONTAINER HERE.

286. POUR JUST A LITTLE BIT OF WATER IN THERE,

287. JUST A LITTLE BIT.

288. ALL RIGHT, THEN WE TAKE OUR MAGIC POWDER —

289. OUR MAGIC ENERGY POWDER.

290. RIGHT — RIGHT HERE. I BARELY COULD REACH IT.

291. POUR A LITTLE BIT IN. OH, GOD.

292. SHAKE IT UP.

293. HERE YOU GO. GIVE IT A TRY.

294. - DO I NEED TO DO ALL THIS?

295. I MEAN, I CAN FIGHT. I CAN PUNCH.

296. - WELL, I MIXED IT FOR YOU. ARE YOU SCARED TO DRINK IT?

297. - NO, I'M NOT SCARED.

298. - DO YOU WANT YOUR COACH TO DRINK A LITTLE?

299. - YES. YOU DRINK IT. YOU DRINK IT.

300. SHOW ME. SHOW ME. MAKE ME BELIEVE.

301. - ALL RIGHT, I WILL.

302. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

303. IS THAT GOOD?

304. - MMM. TANGY.

305. - YOU'RE THE BEST COACH, MAN.

306. YOU ARE THE BEST. - WOW! THAT WAS GOOD STUFF.

307. ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA WORK OUT A LITTLE.

308. I'M GONNA PUT ON THE BIG PUNCH-ME-IN-THE-HAND THINGS.

309. YOU PUT ON YOUR GLOVES.

310. - THE MITTS. THE MITTS. YOU WANT ME TO PUT THESE ON?

311. - ARE THESE CALLED MITTS? - YES.

312. - I'M JUST TESTING YOU. I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE CALLED.

313. I'VE BEEN IN THE BUSINESS FOR 34 YEARS!

314. - I KNOW YOU HAVE. YOU'RE THE MAN.

315. - I USED TO BE A BOXER MYSELF! - OKAY.

316. - BOXED UNDER THE NAME OF "SATURATED FATS."

317. ALL RIGHT. GET YOUR GLOVES UP.

318. NOW, LET —

319. I'M NOT GONNA HOLD THESE ANYWHERE NEAR MY FACE.

320. - OKAY. THAT WOULD BE SMART.

321. - RIGHT.

322. ALTHOUGH, WHEN YOU FIGHT,

323. I WANT YOU TO HIT PEOPLE IN THE FACE.

324. BUT NOT ME. - OKAY, I WON'T.

325. - OKAY, NOW, I'M GONNA BE MOVING THESE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME,

326. SO IT'S GONNA BE TOUGH FOR YOU.

327. WHAT'S THIS ONE OVER HERE? WHAT DO WE DO OVER HERE?

328. DO WE PUNCH IT? DO WE HIT IT OVER HERE?

329. WHERE DO WE HIT? I DON'T KNOW.

330. WHERE IS IT?

331. SEE? YOU'RE NOT PREPARED! - YOU'RE CONFUSING ME.

332. - YOU HAVEN'T THROWN A PUNCH YET. - YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

333. - JUST LET ME FEEL ONE.

334. OH, HO, HO.

335. LET'S PUT THOSE DOWN RIGHT NOW.

336. - WE'RE ALL DONE WITH THAT?

337. - BANANAS!

338. BANANAS HAVE ALL KINDS OF GOOD PROTEIN IN THEM.

339. - IS THIS — DO I REALLY NEED ALL OF THIS?

340. - WE PEEL THE BANANA.

341. ALL RIGHT, NOW, HERE'S THE THING.

342. A LOT OF PEOPLE CAN EAT A BANANA A LITTLE BIT AT A TIME,

343. BUT THAT DOESN'T SHOW DEDICATION.

344. OH, NO, I WOULDN'T EAT IT LENGTHWISE.

345. OH, I ALMOST LOST A BIT OF IT.

346. ALL RIGHT, WATCH YOUR COACH CAREFULLY.

347. WAIT. I'M STILL TALKING.

348. ALL RIGHT, TIME ME.

349. - TIME YOU? - GO.

350. - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.

351. OKAY, BUT WHAT DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BOXING?

352. - DON'T GO AWAY.

353. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

354. WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?"

355. RIGHT AFTER THIS.

356. - WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" —

357. WHERE THE WINNER OF TONIGHT'S SHOW

358. IS ALL FOUR OF YOU LOVELY GENTLEMEN, YES.

359. YOU'RE DELIGHTFUL TO A MAN.

360. AND I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS OUT

361. AS IF YOU ARE IN A BOXING-TRAINING CLASS

362. TAUGHT BY OUR GORGEOUS GUEST STAR, LAILA ALI.

363. GENTLEMEN, READ THE CREDITS.

364. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

365. - OKAY. IT'S DAN PATTERSON. - START BOXING.

366. - NO, I SAID ONE PUNCH.

367. ONE PUNCH.

368. - RYAN STILES!

369. - RYAN STILES! RYAN STILES!

370. - TWO PUNCHES — ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX!

371. - SARAH! - EWAN PHILLIPS.

372. - SPEED BAG, SPEED BAG, SPEED BAG.

373. - I AM THE CHAMPION!

374. - WHAT'S THIS? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

375. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

376. - I'M THE GREAT WHITE HOPE!

377. - LET'S GET READY TO READ THE CREDI-I-I-TS!

378. - DING, DING, DING, DING!

379. STEPHANIE!

380. OH, I THINK I PULLED SOMETHING.

381. —Captions by VITAC—