Who Is America? 1x7

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.

2. Ask what you can do for your country.

3. Mr. Gorbachev,

4. tear down this wall!

5. The only thing we have to fear

6. is fear itself!

7. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

8. I don't remember!

9. We are going to drain the swamp

10. in Washington, D.C.

11. I believe that the mentally ill need guns,

12. because they are the people who are most bullied.

13. I am, uh, Billy Wayne Ruddock.

14. I'm here with Barney Frank, who was a congressman

15. and who now is no longer a congressman. True.

16. I believe you are from

17. a different political perspective than me.

18. So let me ask you.

19. Do you accept that Donald J. Trump

20. is the greatest president this country has ever known?

21. Oh, not — not — not — not at all.

22. - What? - The answer is, no, not at all.

23. As of now, very little in public policy has changed.

24. - Fake news. - What's fake news?

25. You think he is, I think he isn't.

26. Fine. Well, let's agree to disagree.

27. So, we're gonna talk about something

28. that might be difficult for you, something called facts, and —

29. Again, w-what —

30. Th-That's a sort of gratuitous insult.

31. I did come hoping to have a relaxed conversation,

32. and you seem to me to be somewhat on edge about this.

33. Not at all. Oh, well —

34. I'm extremely relaxed. And I'm comfortable.

35. - Okay. I, uh — - I brought my own chair.

36. CNN, the Communist News Network,

37. put out a myth which was called Vaginal-gate,

38. where they scurrilously tried to imply

39. that the President had said horrendous things about women,

40. which was completely untrue!

41. Oh, you think the tape was false?

42. Yes, I do. And I have proof.

43. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do.

44. I think that's deluded. What's your proof?

45. Deluded? Well, that is — that is an insult, sir.

46. - Yes, it's meant to be. - That is meant to be an insult?

47. - Yes. - Well, let me show you.

48. - Hold on, sir. - I'm not going anywhere.

49. What are you — What are you worrying about?

50. Access Hollywood.

51. What actually happened was they edited the sound.

52. It was a longer conversation that was edited down.

53. Okay, but did he not say "grab 'em by the pussy"?

54. He did not. Billy Bush was talking

55. about a rat infestation that he had.

56. This, sir, is the undoctored, unedited audio —

57. - Where'd you get it? - From RealNewsKansas.org.

58. - Okay. - Hear it, sir, please.

59. Don't immediately dismiss it.

60. Yeah, that's her, with the gold.

61. I got a real problem with mice in my house.

62. How do I pick them up?

63. Grab 'em. Okay.

64. But I'm thinking of purchasing a cat

65. to catch those mice.

66. Do you think I should purchase a cat?

67. Buy the pussy.

68. - That doesn't make any sense. - "Grab them."

69. Yeah, I think you've — I think that's a fabrication.

70. - How is that a fabrication? - Because somebody fabricated it.

71. - Look, I got to tell you — - You heard it. That is evidence.

72. That is black-and-white!

73. This is — The fabrication what you played,

74. it doesn't make sense.

75. No, I don't believe that Donald Bu—

76. Donald Trump was giving Billy Bush advice

77. about how to catch rats.

78. So, let's talk about crooked Hillary.

79. Did you support her in her nefarious plan

80. to take over the presidency?

81. I supported her in her, uh, plan

82. to be elected to the presidency.

83. - So, did you support her? - I just said yes.

84. Do you at least admit, Congressman Frank,

85. that Hillary Clinton was running a pedophile ring

86. underneath the pizza — Oh, thank you. That is —

87. the pizza restaurant right here in Washington?

88. No, I'm glad that you said that, because —

89. Thank you. Will you agree to that? And I appreciate that.

90. No, I'm not shaking hands on that, because...

91. Well, that's rude. it's a despicable lie.

92. How do you respond, sir, to this proof?

93. This is a receipt from the very same pizza parlor.

94. Ping Pong Comet. Do you agree?

95. I — It's a receipt from Ping Pong Comet.

96. What's the proof that it's part of a child-pornography ring?

97. It says "CHILD" and, next to it, "FREE."

98. Yeah. They were giving away children for free.

99. That is sick. At least —

100. They were not giving away children, sir.

101. That meant that the children came in for free,

102. not that the children were given away for free.

103. This is purchased from eBay, sir, from eBay,

104. from a seller who is 94% ratified.

105. If you were in the process of running a ring,

106. you wouldn't have a printed receipt to give out

107. as proof of your criminality, But what "CHILD FREE" means —

108. That is how stupid the Clintons are.

109. I'm — I'm not gonna put...

110. But do you at least admit that North Korea controls the news?

111. I'll take that as a yes.

112. Today, the biggest terror threat in America

113. comes from radical liberals called Antifa.

114. These Nissan Leaf -driving vegans

115. are dangerous...

116. too dangerous for me alone.

117. I'm gonna need some backup. Yalla. Let's go.

118. I think there's blame on both sides,

119. and I have no doubt about it.

120. What about the alt-left?

121. They came charging at the, as you say, the alt-right.

122. Do they have any semblance of guilt?

123. I need a warrior to help me on my mission,

124. so I go to America's heartland

125. to pick one of three contestants,

126. all of whom have already proven their courage

127. by anonymously attacking

128. women, immigrants, and homos on the Internet.

129. There are at least 50 documented terrorist training camps

130. in the continental United States.

131. What is the most dangerous terror group

132. in the United States?

133. - I don't know. - Antifa.

134. - Antifa. - Yes.

135. Who are Antifa?

136. They're the anti-fascists.

137. They want to take down everything

138. that our current president is doing right.

139. What will happen if they have their way

140. and get rid of fascists?

141. How will America be?

142. We will be— become a shithole country.

143. We know that Antifa are planning something.

144. Who is brave enough

145. to tackle these anti-fascist terrorists?

146. - I will. - I will.

147. I've been thinking about it a lot.

148. Train me, equip me, I'll do it.

149. To infiltrate Antifa,

150. we have to know how to walk and talk,

151. eat and even smell like a liberal.

152. How long do you cook quinoa for?

153. Couldn't tell ya.

154. - I don't know what that is. - Nine minutes.

155. What is the recommended rear tire pressure

156. of the Nissan Leaf?

157. 32 pounds per square inch.

158. - 35. - 35.

159. It's actually 35 to 36, but...

160. - Good. I like the detail. - Yeah.

161. There is a television show here — Girls.

162. I don't — I don't —

163. - I'm not even familiar with it. - Yeah.

164. There is a lead actor called Lena Dunham.

165. - She is a liberal. - Yes.

166. They like to use this as a code word.

167. They say, "Ah, what's your favorite episode of Girls?"

168. Oh, okay. So kind of like an introduction.

169. You don't have to learn all of it. Learn one.

170. Season two, episode shalosh.

171. In this one, Hannah gets to know her neighbor, Laird.

172. Meanwhile, Marnie meets

173. her old artist flame, Booth Jonathan,

174. who take her home to show her the studio.

175. Dude, what's your favorite episode of Girls?

176. Gosh, I like season two, episode three.

177. Good. Okay. So, let's do introduction.

178. You pretend to be liberal. Go.

179. Dude, what's your favorite episode of Girls, man?

180. Oh, I like season one, episode six.

181. What is your favorite episode?

182. I like season two, episode three.

183. She — She did a bunch of stuff on the thing.

184. She met her neighbor downstairs, and, uh —

185. What was the neighbor called?

186. - Lost it. - Bang! Out!

187. - He is an infiltrator. - Yep.

188. Remember, the neighbor downstairs is called Laird.

189. Laird. - Good.

190. What else happened in this episode?

191. She went to her ex-flame's studio apartment.

192. - And what was his name? - Booth Jonathan.

193. And who went?

194. - Anna. - No!

195. Laird. Laird is the downstairs neighbor.

196. That went with Jonathan —

197. - Marnie! - Oh, Marnie.

198. - Marnie, Marnie. - Marnie.

199. Convince me you are a liberal.

200. What's your favorite episode of Girls?

201. Season one, episode seven.

202. What is your favorite episode of Girls?

203. Mine's season two, episode three.

204. What happens in it?

205. That's where, uh, An— Hannah

206. meets her, uh, downstairs neighbor, Laird.

207. And, uh, Maria meets her — her —

208. Oh, shit.

209. - Marnie. - Marnie.

210. Marnie!

211. - Say after me. Marnie. Marnie.

212. Say it ten times.

213. Marnie. Marnie. Marnie. Marnie.

214. Marnie. Marnie. Marnie. Marnie.

215. Marnie. Marnie.

216. Enough. That's eleven.

217. What is the aim of the MeToo Movement?

218. - To take over the world. - Of course.

219. And what will they do

220. when they take over the world, these feminists?

221. - Kill all the men. - Of course.

222. So, one thing that the liberal men are is what?

223. Oh, they're such pussies.

224. One thing that you will have to learn

225. how to do as a liberal man

226. is to give other men compliments.

227. Convince me that you liberals

228. by giving each other compliments.

229. Hi, Cody. My name's Glenn.

230. I love the way your shirt fits you.

231. Thank you. I love the way you smell.

232. I love your hair, too, the way it looks,

233. the way it just hangs just above your ears.

234. Well, thank you. I love your legs.

235. Yeah, your clothes fit you nice.

236. You have the best chest and shoulders I've ever seen.

237. Love your eyes, man.

238. - Yeah, I love those cheeks. - Mm-hmm.

239. In case there are radical lesbians

240. that we need to go undercover as,

241. I need you to know real information about lesbians

242. so that you can be one of them.

243. - Are you ready to learn? - Yes.

244. Describe the typical clothes of the lesbian.

245. Flannel shirt, short hair, uh, men's jeans, men's —

246. Just T-shirts and just trying to look like a guy.

247. 37% of lesbian dress like Charlie Chaplin.

248. Why, we don't know.

249. So, we are going to learn some phrases

250. in case you have to be a radical lesbian tomorrow.

251. That's what we're here to do.

252. "I hate penises." Repeat after me.

253. I hate penises.

254. Say it like you believe it.

255. - I hate fucking penises. - Good.

256. How do you think a lesbian will greet each other?

257. - Never put any thought into it. - A hug?

258. "I just seen that fucking asshole

259. with a penis down there. How you doing?"

260. Good. Pretend to be a lesbian.

261. Is there any good pussy-tail going on around here?

262. Pussy-tail? What is pussy-tail?

263. Sorry. I-I was gonna say "tail," not "pussy."

264. Okay. And what do you think about the male genitals?

265. I hate penises. I really, really do.

266. Okay. Convince me you are a lesbian.

267. Um, you know, the toughest thing for me was coming out

268. when I was at my folks' house, when I was about 18 years old.

269. - You like penises? - Oh, hell, no.

270. That's why I'm down here looking for some little action,

271. a little pussy action.

272. I hate penises.

273. So, I want you now — we do a role-ing play.

274. They are suspicious.

275. In order to convince them that you are a radical liberal,

276. you will have to be able to show disrespect

277. to the man we all admire most.

278. Yeah, that will be hard. But I will do it.

279. I hate that son of a bitch. Man, he golfs every day.

280. He doesn't get his shit done, talks down.

281. He's prejudiced against anybody that comes to the country,

282. just a fat out-of-shape motherfucker.

283. Are you really liberal? I'm suspicious. Prove it.

284. I hate this piece of shit.

285. Just bend him over and fuck him,

286. piece of fucking shit. Prove you don't like him.

287. Prove that you really are a liberal.

288. Fuck you, bitch. To the manhood. Fuck you.

289. Good. Next.

290. Ahh, yeah, yeah!

291. Yeah, titty-fuck you, motherfucker.

292. Yeah, take that shit, huh? You likin' it?

293. I think you are pro-Trump.

294. - Yeah, huh? - Yeah.

295. Okay. What happens if they say, "We are not convinced"?

296. Yeah, spread those, baby. Yeah, take that shit, dude.

297. Yeah.

298. Yeah, yeah. Come here.

299. Yeah. Come on, dude. Yeah.

300. Oh, how's that feel, Mr. Trump?

301. Where are those taxes, by the way?

302. Now that the training is finished,

303. it was time to choose my partner.

304. Cody, you are going home.

305. I am sorry.

306. Darren. You are going home.

307. Glenn was perfect for the mission.

308. So with his training complete,

309. it was time to fly to the most dangerous

310. terrorist gathering in the world —

311. the Women's March in San Francisco!

312. So, there is important development.

313. Overnight, we have received new intel.

314. There is a radical lesbian cell from New York.

315. They have developed a special type of diaper.

316. The diaper have hormone-um in it.

317. When the baby wear this diaper,

318. it will turn the baby into a trans-gander.

319. The local Berkeley Antifa

320. will mass-produce this diaper

321. and put it into every Republican store.

322. That's genocide.

323. The local Berkeley Antifa cell... Yes.

324. are expecting to meet these two radical lesbians.

325. Uh-huh.

326. Nobody is going to come here.

327. - You know why? - Why?

328. Because they missed their flight, somehow.

329. Oh, oh! Oh, okay.

330. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's good.

331. - Mm-hmm, that's good.

332. Mm-hmm.

333. This give us the opportunity to go under the covers.

334. You will play Dr. Deborah Levine.

335. Oh.

336. She is the genius who have created this hormone.

337. Mm-hmm.

338. I will be playing

339. Dr. Levine's partner of 12 years, Sandra.

340. Okay.

341. My name is Dr. Deborah Levine.

342. And Sandra. We are lesbians.

343. We have — I know. I could tell. Sorry. Oh, good, good.

344. I didn't mean to be judgy.

345. We will, number one,

346. convince them that we are radical lesbians

347. using everything that I taught you.

348. Hmm.

349. So, we were going to drive with our Nissan Leaf,

350. which has, uh, the tire pressure.

351. Oh, yeah. 35 to 36 pounds per square inch.

352. So, uh, do you like Girls, the TV show?

353. - No. - Oh.

354. Uh, we love it.

355. Our favorite episode is, uh —

356. Oh. Well, you told me yours, but I kind of disagree,

357. 'cause I like season two, episode three.

358. Oh, yes.

359. Yeah. That's where, uh, Hannah met her down—

360. finally met her downstairs neighbor.

361. - Laird. And, uh — - Yeah, Laird.

362. And he had a friend that he introduced to, uh, Marnie.

363. He takes her up to the studio.

364. I guess they hit it off pretty good, because —

365. Yes.

366. To know if they are the members of the cell,

367. we will say this phrase — it is a code word —

368. "I'm not wearing any panties."

369. "I'm not wearing any panties."

370. - Understood? - Yes.

371. - The code word. - Yeah.

372. Okay. All right.

373. You know, I'm not wearing any panties.

374. Oh, this is San Francisco, man. Yeah.

375. Half the people here aren't wearing them.

376. - Sure. - That's right. All right.

377. After we have convinced them that we are radical lesbians,

378. we will put a tracking device on their back.

379. This is the tracking device.

380. - Understood? - Yes.

381. Excuse me, buddy. How'd you say —

382. How'd you say you walked up there? Huh?

383. How'd you say you walked up there?

384. Just use your eyes. Right there in the front.

385. Right there where people are speaking.

386. - Thank you. - Come on, dear.

387. You want me to tag her?

388. I want to tell you something, all right?

389. - Yes. - You did brilliantly, amazing.

390. - Thank you. Thank you. - Now, listen.

391. This is the app that allow us to track them.

392. - Uh-huh. - What you don't know

393. is in the transmitter that we put on their back,

394. there is a small explosive device.

395. Okay.

396. - Small enough to... - To disable them?

397. to create a fatal heart attack.

398. This is the location of the young man in the dark jacket.

399. - Yeah. - Okay, you know the one?

400. - Yes. - The real liberal?

401. - Yes. - He got it coming to him.

402. - Yes. - So just press the two fingers.

403. It will detonate the explosive on his back.

404. Press.

405. Congratulation. You are hero.

406. You foiled the terror plot. I hope.

407. I've never, uh, participated in someone's death.

408. - Really? - Well —

409. But you are so good at it. You are a natural.

410. - I feel a little queasy. - Don't worry.

411. Can we move around a little bit?

412. Yeah, sure. Let's walk around. Let's go in the march.

413. And if we come across the corpse, just walk past him.

414. You know, I've really had a fantastic time. You know —

415. It's been a wonderful experience for me.

416. It's really just been such a wonderful day,

417. beautiful weather.

418. - It is. - Look at the people here.

419. They are the lowest of the low.

420. I agree. I've never seen so much sickness.

421. - Is your hand on my ass? - Yes.

422. - Oh, good. For the cover. - Yeah.

423. What did you think of these people

424. that we were surrounded by?

425. - Crazies. Crazy. - They are crazy.

426. The terrifying thing about these liberals

427. is how easy it is

428. to radicalize them and turn them into killers.

429. Yes. Well, they're little lambs.

430. I'd be the butcher before I'd be the sheep.

431. The interesting thing about today

432. is it felt like it started off as an act,

433. me and you as a lesbian couple. Yes.

434. - By the end, it felt real... - It did.

435. like there was a connection.

436. Right. A lot of people bought it.

437. There was a woman who said, uh —

438. We said we are lesbian, and she said, "Yeah, obviously."

439. - Yes, uh-huh. Right. - Did you kill her or not?

440. I can't remember.

441. Uh, she was the, uh —

442. Was she the long-haired, short, heavy one?

443. No, a — an older one. Did you blow her up or not?

444. I can't remember now.

445. We worked hard. Now let's celebrate.

446. Laird? I'm not asking for anything.

447. That guy looks like he has leprosy.

448. - Good one. - Uh-huh.

449. - Very good-quality writing. - Yes.

450. - Mind if I put the arm over? - No, go ahead.

451. - Just in case somebody walk in. - Uh-huh.

452. Do you happen to know where I can procure some cocaine today?

453. So, um, have you had time to think about maybe,

454. uh, moving to Israel and —

455. It's a confusing thought for me right now.

456. I have not thought it completely through.

457. What, you have not thought moving to Israel — in with me?

458. Yes. Yeah.

459. It's a confusing thought, just leaving my family.

460. Sure. I mean, I-I would probably leave my wife for you.

461. Well, listen. You did, uh, great.

462. I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

463. Until the next time.

464. You come back around, look me up.

465. - Thank you. Kiss or no? - No.

466. To good friends.

467. To good friends. Hopefully, new friends.

468. - Yeah, I hope so. - Yeah.

469. I actually — You know what?

470. Let me introduce my girlfriend,

471. and then we talk a little business.

472. - Okay. - Uh, Christina?

473. Sit down, sit down.

474. Very good.

475. - Uh, hey, hey, hey, hey. - Huh?

476. O.J.

477. - ... O.J. - O.J.?

478. Buffalo Billah.

479. - Buffalo Billah! Buffalo Billah!

480. Buffalo Billah?

481. Buffalo Billah. Football, Americano.

482. I-I played a long time ago.

483. O.J. Simpson! Naked Gun. Uno, due, tre!

484. "Naked Gun."

485. - But it doesn't matter. - Uhh. I am so embarrassed.

486. It doesn't matter. But they're funny movies.

487. O.J.! YA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!

488. - Oh! Mamma mia! O.J.! - O.J.

489. She knows that. Oh, Jesus.

490. - O.J.! Oh, my God! - Lord, help me. Help me.

491. Oh! Mamma mia! Mwah!

492. O.J.! LA-LA-LA-LA!

493. YA-LA-LA-YA-LA-LA! OHH-LA-YA-LA-LA!

494. - So nice to meet you! - And a pleasure meeting you.

495. - Okay. - Oh, my God.

496. I'm so — I'm so sorry.

497. She saying you're very handsome.

498. - Well, thank you. - It's okay. You can —

499. - She's gorgeous. - Yeah, okay. You can enjoy her.

500. Just don't, uh, don't — YA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!

501. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

502. "No, no, no, no, no, no."

503. We're gonna talk business now.

504. - Gorgeous. - She's gorgeous.

505. But sometimes I wanna kill her, you know?

506. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

507. I wanna send her on a private helicopter tour

508. over the Grand Canyon.

509. - Whoopsie-daisy! - Oopsie-daisy.

510. Oopsie-daisy. BA-BA-BA!

511. Stop. Stop.

512. No, no, no.

513. Maybe I send her on a bungee jump, you know, where —

514. Oh, the cord! BA-HA-HA-HA!

515. Cord — Cord extra-long?

516. - Cord extra-long. Oh! Bang! - "Oh, it was too long."

517. Oh, hey, hey, hey, how was I to know

518. that it was extra-elasticated?

519. No, but I've been — I've been very unlucky in love.

520. My ex-wife —

521. You seem lucky in love to me.

522. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But I don't love her.

523. Sometimes she — Sometimes I want to completely kill her.

524. Stop! Stop.

525. If I do, you introduce me to Cochran.

526. Yeah. Johnnie.

527. Well, I would have to introduce you in the afterlife.

528. What, you didn't kill him, too, did you?

529. Stop, man! Jesus Christ, man!

530. Listen.

531. My business partner is Sheikh Mansour...

532. Yeah. He wants a one-on-one just with you and him.

533. And he's obsessed about

534. what happened the night with the wife.

535. - Yeah. - And he wants you to tell him.

536. - What wife? - The one you shot.

537. Well, first of all, she wasn't my wife. Oh.

538. We had been divorced and separated for two years.

539. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

540. - Except that I didn't do it. - I didn't know.

541. Well, if he's obsessed, hey, look.

542. We want you to be 100% truthful how you got away with it.

543. - That's what he wants to know. - Hey! Hey, hey.

544. - I didn't get away with nothing. - Yeah, yeah, I didn't get away

545. with anything with my wife, either.

546. She committed suicide.

547. - Look. Stop. - She got depressed,

548. and she put herself into a bagful of rocks

549. and then managed to drag herself into the sea.

550. And you weren't charged, so good for you.

551. Me and you, we got something in common.

552. We both, uh, how you say — lady killers.

553. You know, it's not what it sounds like.

554. In Italian, it translates to, uh,

555. somebody who, uh, murders women.

556. No, I didn't kill nobody.

557. Oh, I didn't, either! I didn't, either!

558. What I hate about the press is you make one tiny, little slip,

559. and that's all they remember you for.

560. Yeah. You're not the O.J. the touchdown.

561. You're not the O.J. the movie star. Yeah.

562. You kill, uh, two silly people,

563. and suddenly, you are O.J. the murderer.

564. Stop. Stop.

565. You wanna have — You wanna have some cheese?

566. - No, I'm fine. - Should I hide the knives?

567. Hide the knives! O.J. is in town!

568. No, no.

569. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"