Who Is America? 1x6

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.

2. Ask what you can do for your country.

3. Mr. Gorbachev,

4. tear down this wall!

5. The only thing we have to fear

6. is fear itself!

7. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

8. The middle of the last century in Europe

9. saw millions of people embrace the most evil ideology

10. the world has ever known.

11. It was called Liberalism.

12. This cancer is making a comeback.

13. There is a resurgence of fanatics

14. spewing their vile doctrine of tolerance and equality.

15. I hunted down one of them, Jill Stein,

16. who was pedaling some Soros-funded conspiracy theory

17. called global warming.

18. Hi. - Hi.

19. - Great to meet you, ma'am. - Billy.

20. Billy Wayne? - Well, Dr. Billy Wayne.

21. - Dr. Billy Wayne. - Dr. Billy Wayne Ruddock.

22. - Wonderful. - Wonderful.

23. Wonderful to meet you. - And I'm Dr. Jill Stein.

24. Let's talk about global warming.

25. Do you believe it exists, or to use its proper name,

26. climax change?

27. Climate change.

28. Um, so I'm a scientist.

29. It's pretty clear from the science that,

30. um, climate is changing.

31. Temperature is cyclical.

32. You got to admit that.

33. Well, if you look at the graph, actually,

34. you do see a little bit of this up and down.

35. But it's generally trending up.

36. Well, I don't know if I agree with that.

37. You know, temperature goes up and down.

38. I mean, look at January.

39. It's lower, and then it goes up a little bit in April.

40. In July, it's really hot, you know.

41. The liberals will be freaking out,

42. saying we need to by a Tesla from Lena Dunham.

43. No, hey. Relax.

44. November and December, it's down again.

45. Okay.

46. It's clearly a pattern, you know.

47. You're demonstrating that the seasons change.

48. Seasons have always been changing

49. throughout the course of the year.

50. So temperature has always been cyclical.

51. Uh, well that talks about over one year.

52. So, but you agree with that.

53. - Oh, that's not an issue. - Oorah!

54. 'Cause you can show this every year

55. for as long as humans have been around.

56. Look at that.

57. - Yeah. - It's clearly a pattern.

58. But, you know, like, I really am a scientist.

59. Do you agree that there is an increase in hurricanes?

60. You cannot show, at this point,

61. that there's been an increase in the number of hurricanes.

62. However, there is an increase

63. in the intensity of the hurricanes.

64. There's a lot of evidence that the CIA

65. was weaponizing weather.

66. They would fly out helicopters

67. over the last 16 years

68. into the ocean,

69. um, helicopters with whisks on,

70. and thereby create a hurricane.

71. Billy, you can't create a hurricane

72. by stirring the air up.

73. Do you know what actually creates hurricanes?

74. This is gonna convince you.

75. This is purchased from a verified seller on eBay.

76. $112, not including shipping.

77. But you don't know what his credentials are.

78. You know, you don't know what his documents are.

79. I do. 94.6%. He was a certified seller.

80. Well, that just means that he actually

81. comes through on his sales. - It means his evidence is true!

82. Why can't you see the truth?

83. Next, I went to Washington

84. to confront ex-presidential candidate Howard Dean,

85. to pose the most important political question

86. the fake news media are too scared to ask.

87. Aah!

88. Do you believe Hillary is actually a woman?

89. Because there is— - I know.

90. There's a lot of— lots of ideas floating around.

91. And, you know, I know her.

92. Well, how do you explain that?

93. How do I explain what?

94. Lookie here.

95. How do you explain that?

96. I explain that as maybe the trouser presser did a lousy job.

97. Who knows?

98. You think the trouser presser created a perfect penis?

99. Oh, who knows? I mean, really.

100. I can't go here. I can't do it.

101. I just— and, you know, we're not gonna find out

102. 'cause we're— you know, we're not gonna examine her, so.

103. What about this? This was a CIA file.

104. It was a hidden shot.

105. She's in a man's urinal, urinating like a man.

106. Yeah. I— It's—

107. You can't handle the truth.

108. Well, I think it's far more likely...

109. I mean, what is she holding there?

110. Why is there a stream?

111. There is a stream coming from something.

112. And it is unbelievably—

113. I could make up a picture of Donald Trump in drag.

114. So you're telling me that is fake news?

115. I believe it is.

116. Governor, have you seen her lady parts?

117. I have not.

118. Isn't that convenient?

119. My name, Sergeant Corporal Erran Morad.

120. In the US, there are 3.7 million home invasions every year.

121. So today, I'm gonna teach a housewife

122. and her pussy husband how to fist the burglar.

123. Yalla, let's go.

124. - Hello. - Hello. Erran Morad.

125. - How are you? Gretchen Rossi. - Good.

126. Thank you for coming to our home.

127. - Hi. I'm Slade. - Good to meet you.

128. I'm Gretchen Rossi, and you guys probably know me

129. from "The Real Housewives of Orange County."

130. I'm Slade Smiley, and I like to sleep with housewives.

131. That's true, right? - That is so inappropriate.

132. So, now we find out, eh, your threat level.

133. - Okay. - So, you are a very

134. beautiful woman. - Thank you.

135. I'm sure there are a lot of people saying mean things

136. or who are jealous of your beauty and talent,

137. who are saying things on the Internet about you.

138. Yes. A lot, yes, definitely.

139. And, Slade, I have seen you on the show.

140. A lot of people hate you.

141. So what kind of things do they say to you?

142. Um, what do they call me?

143. They say s— - You mean the—

144. - Girly boy, or— - No, they call you douchebag.

145. They say douchebag.

146. - Do they mock you for your hair? - They have, yes.

147. And they mock your clothes, I expect?

148. Yes.

149. Did anyone ever call you a

150. What's that?

151. It's a— like a girly-man.

152. Oh. I told you about when she said the word "faggot."

153. - Oh, yes. - Talking about your shoes.

154. You know where the main assassination is,

155. when you want to assassinate?

156. - In the bathroom. - Probably bathrooms, yeah.

157. When you, uh, go and do a

158. do you open the window?

159. Sometimes, but I don't know 'cause—

160. You, I imagine, is one wipe?

161. Clean, no smell? - Yeah.

162. They will find your weakness.

163. With him, it is that he do a

164. in the toilet that is so bad

165. that he open the window. - Right.

166. Sometimes the window gets opened, yes.

167. - Okay, this is a problem. - Yeah.

168. So you have to change your diet.

169. You have to make it so that you don't open the window.

170. - That you don't open the window. - Yeah.

171. You, I'm sure, can eat anything.

172. Yeah, I can, yeah. I'm pretty good.

173. - There's not a— - No. No.

174. - Yeah. - There's no smell.

175. - Yeah. - I imagine.

176. No. Unh-unh.

177. So if they know that Slade at 8:00 in the morning

178. go to the toilet and do a huge

179. and he's wiping for ten minutes with his hairy

180. then they will attack the beautiful wife.

181. Yes.

182. You need to think like the terrorist.

183. - Right. - And they are— are they stupid?

184. - No. - No.

185. They are more intelligent than you and certainly you.

186. Yeah.

187. What you want to do is to surprise.

188. Surprise the attacker. - Right.

189. Music is often a way to distract them.

190. - That's interesting. - Yeah.

191. So we do a simulazia,

192. a simulation now that you are the attacker.

193. Okay.

194. Okay. Slade, your turn.

195. I have no musical talent.

196. Doesn't play anything.

197. - No. - So, the body is, uh, flabby.

198. - Yes. - The strength is not enough,

199. and there is no knowledge of musical instrument.

200. Yes.

201. By the time I'm done with this,

202. he's gonna try and get me to leave you.

203. I worked in the army also as a seducer.

204. - Mm-hmm. - It take three years of learning

205. how to make a woman climax.

206. But I'm sure Slade is very good, too.

207. Just say yes.

208. - Stop. - Okay.

209. Yes, he's just fine.

210. If you are scared at any point, this is my card.

211. Thank you so much.

212. We appreciate that.

213. Lock the door.

214. I'm Dr. Nira Cain-N'Degeocello,

215. author of

216. "Masculinity And Other Hate Crimes".

217. Two weeks after the election was stolen

218. from President Hillary Clinton,

219. I managed to get out of bed.

220. I've been cycling through our fractured nation

221. to try and heal the divide.

222. Eight months ago, I went through

223. the misogynistic and shameful process

224. of impregnating my female partner, Naomi.

225. In order to make amends,

226. for two months I wore an empathy belly.

227. Just the physical challenge of having 30 extra pounds

228. on you at the end of pregnancy,

229. I think it's important for men to be able to sympathize

230. with women going through that.

231. [Cain-N'Degeocello] I finally decided to go through

232. the sexist act of childbirth myself.

233. Um, often both parents go through their own process.

234. The male goes their own route of not wanting to process at all,

235. or just numbing themselves.

236. I feel if men could empathize with women

237. and the birthing process,

238. that the world problems would be cured.

239. Yeah.

240. Why not give birth from a male uterus,

241. through our birth canal?

242. I have been preparing my passage

243. to give birth.

244. So, let me understand this.

245. So you are anally inserting

246. an equivalent child into the anus?

247. Is that what you're telling me?

248. Yes.

249. I started with a Sharpie pen up there,

250. and I've been expanding very, very slowly

251. over the past six to seven months.

252. It can have, like, big implication.

253. You can have, like, infection.

254. That's, like, serious stuff.

255. Well, everything that has been inserted

256. there has been sterilized.

257. You can sterilize as much as you want.

258. You're interfering with a process.

259. Well, currently, I have here, a doll.

260. So the plan is to put this in my momb, my male womb.

261. I have a doula who is going to remove it

262. during a birthing experience.

263. Wow.

264. I feel I can support you throughout the process.

265. Thank you.

266. Please.

267. Oh, oh, oh.

268. Oh, oh.

269. Oh, okay.

270. There you go.

271. Oh, oh.

272. Oh.

273. Okay. - Yeah?

274. I hear that it is possible

275. to have sexual experiences during birth.

276. Is that true?

277. The stories that you hear and the experiences are,

278. um, orgasmic.

279. I mean, it's giving birth to life.

280. Could we bring in the doula, Maria?

281. Yeah, absolutely.

282. Maria?

283. Hola. - Hola.

284. Perhaps we begin the birth,

285. because I am concerned after eating a spicy breakfast

286. that I might be giving birth to twins.

287. Well, if that happens, it happens.

288. If more comes out,

289. then we'll just have to be prepared for that.

290. Do you feel ready?

291. Yes.

292. I want it out.

293. Let's begin the birth.

294. Stay focused on your breath.

295. Is it— what is it?

296. What's the gender?

297. Let me see it.

298. What happened?

299. Where's the head?

300. Where's— Where's the head?

301. Where's the head, Maria?

302. Is it on the floor?

303. Is the head on the floor?

304. No.

305. Is the head still in?

306. Is the head still in, Maria?

307. I think it's inside.

308. Uh-oh. Can you get the—

309. The head.

310. Maybe go in with a finger and kind of bring some oil

311. so that you can lubricate him. - Sure, yeah. Yeah.

312. Wait a minute.

313. How do you feel?

314. I feel like crying.

315. Why? Because you—

316. Because the baby's beautiful, but it doesn't have a head.

317. Maria?

318. Uh, maybe another oil is better.

319. Uh, just only this I had.

320. Another is not.

321. Maria, that is not used in this culture.

322. - That's for machines. - That's for machines.

323. I'm not a machine.

324. Can you take the head out?

325. I no want him to feel into pain.

326. Oh. She doesn't want you to hurt.

327. She is always like this.

328. She never wants to do anything.

329. It's the same around the year.

330. I often say, "This is dirty."

331. And she never does what I tell her.

332. So she's not really a doula. She is a cleaning lady.

333. Maria, I'm going to call Immigration

334. if you don't put your hand up there.

335. So your hand is either going up my man's womb,

336. or it's going in a pair of handcuffs.

337. Oh, no.

338. I think I got it.

339. Be careful.

340. Please, he is hurting.

341. - I'm in pain. - Maria.

342. My hand is stuck.

343. I do my best.

344. Your hand is stuck?

345. Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull.

346. Maria, please pull.

347. You have to—

348. This is how far I could support you guys.

349. Thank you. That was beautiful.

350. - Thank you for the experience. - Thank you.

351. We go out this way? Hold on.

352. Oh.

353. I'm Billy Wayne Ruddock,

354. and I am fascinated with health care and health issues.

355. I'm very, very excited to have a discussion

356. with Dr. Francis Collins,

357. who is the Director of the Institutes of Health.

358. So, tell me a bit about yourself, please.

359. I'm a physician.

360. I'm trained in internal medicine.

361. But most of my career, I've been involved in medical research.

362. I'm now the Director of the National Institutes of Health,

363. which is the largest supporter

364. of medical research in the world.

365. Why are big agriculture putting chemicals

366. into our food to make people transgender?

367. I know of no evidence that food influences

368. people's interest in transgender changes.

369. That may be something that people are saying,

370. but I know of no evidence to suggest that.

371. I started to think about this,

372. because I started growing titties.

373. And I started looking at the food that I was eating.

374. And I realized that over 78% of it

375. contained trans fats.

376. And so, big agriculture was trying to turn me into a trans.

377. Let me unpack some of that, 'cause there was a lot

378. of what you just said. - Please.

379. And part of it is just this word, "trans."

380. "Trans" just means it's across from, it's different than.

381. So the idea that people talk about trans fats,

382. it turns out those aren't particularly good for you

383. because they give you heart attacks.

384. Because of the shock of the gender change.

385. Because they influence this whole process

386. of building up plaques in your arteries

387. that give you heart attacks and strokes.

388. Has nothing to do with gender.

389. So, AIDS— let's just talk about this.

390. This is a really important one.

391. Do you believe that AIDS exists?

392. I do.

393. I decided to do my own experiment to find out

394. whether this was a myth from big pharma.

395. And I drew two bits of blood.

396. One was my own blood,

397. and one I paid $12 to a homeless man

398. with "AIDS."

399. And they look exactly the same.

400. I wanted to make sure that it was

401. a proper scientific experiment.

402. There were no external factors.

403. - Yeah. - So I took the blood from him,

404. and then I used exactly the same needle

405. and then took my own blood.

406. Whoa, wait a minute.

407. Didn't you worry about using the same needle

408. that had just been in his arm?

409. I did it intentionally so there would be no discrepancy

410. and no dispute in the scientific community.

411. You just put yourself at risk.

412. Put myself at risk of what?

413. By sharing a needle with somebody who's HIV-positive?

414. How do you think drug addicts catch HIV?

415. It's by sharing needles.

416. The needle was the same, but the tube was completely clean,

417. using a flame and extremely hot water.

418. Did you flame the needle in-between using it

419. for him and using it for yourself?

420. No, no, no. I flamed the tube to ensure...

421. - But not the needle. - ... the tube had no scientific

422. residue of falumpinous or gluttonous product.

423. You might want to wait six weeks and then have a test,

424. and see if you turned positive. - Positive?

425. Well, if I'm positive that's fine, no?

426. I mean, positive for HIV.

427. I don't know what the chances are.

428. Again, it's gonna depend a lot

429. on whether your homeless donor of that blood sample

430. was on treatment or not. - No, no, no.

431. I'm sorry. I'm not HIV-positive.

432. Sharing needles is a very effective way to get it.

433. On tonight's show,

434. during his 21 years behind bars,

435. Rick Sherman taught himself to cook

436. while working in the kitchen of his maximum-security prison.

437. Now that he's free, Rick is trying to make it

438. as a chef in the world of high-end cuisine.

439. Tonight, he faces the ultimate test,

440. preparing a three-course meal for food critic Bill Jilla...

441. Interviewing the newest upcoming superstar, Chef Massimo.

442. editor of DinnerReviews.com,

443. who has been told Rick's prison-themed cuisine

444. has the potential to earn a Michelin star.

445. This is a nod to my background in prison,

446. a medley of baked beans on toast,

447. 'cause the baked beans and the toast

448. are classic staples of the prison diet.

449. We have cheddar, gochujang, and marmite.

450. Hmm.

451. Incredible.

452. - Oh, thank you, sir. - Wow.

453. That was cheddar? - Yes.

454. Coming through with that crunch on the toast.

455. Great combination.

456. Thank you so much.

457. So, this dish is inspired by a true story.

458. When I was inside, I needed some veal.

459. Obviously, we couldn't get it.

460. So I used the services of a prisoner

461. called Andy "The Mule" Newman.

462. He smuggled in some veal in the way

463. that he traditionally did, in a prophylactic condom,

464. so to speak, uh, in his buttocks.

465. And it was the most tender veal I'd ever tasted.

466. And essentially, the veal would be massaged

467. every time he walked.

468. Like the Kobe beef process.

469. So that inspired this dish,

470. which is a veal anally aged

471. for eight days in a prophylactic.

472. And it's a strawberry-flavored condom

473. to give it that kind of summery feel.

474. Please, enjoy.

475. Okay, there we go.

476. - Brilliant! - Jackpot.

477. Jackpot, really coming out.

478. Mmm. This is straight from the heart.

479. - Well, nearby. - Juicy, moist.

480. I'm a big fan of braised meats.

481. But in fact, I will say that this is the best braised veal

482. I've ever had in my entire lifetime.

483. As soon as I cut into the prophylactic,

484. there was a juice that just burst out.

485. A true artist... - Fuck!

486. and an amazing chef.

487. This is a very special dish,

488. and I want to give you some background.

489. I was in jail, and it was my cell-husband's 65th birthday.

490. I wanted something special for him, so I said,

491. "What do you want?" He goes, "Kobe beef."

492. So I said, "How can I get Kobe beef?"

493. I contacted, again, Andy "The Mule" Newman.

494. I said, "What can you get?" And he comes out.

495. I cook up this beef.

496. Kevin absolutely adored it.

497. He goes, "It's better than any Kobe I've ever had before."

498. We come out the next morning,

499. and the whole prison yard are laughing at us.

500. It turns out it was a practical joke on us.

501. The Lewisham Boys were this gang outside.

502. There was a snitch called Keith "The Hands" O'Connell.

503. They were taking him out, and they knocked him off.

504. They chopped a bit of his loin off and sent it through to us.

505. They go, "That wasn't Kobe beef.

506. That was Kobe Keith."

507. But I realized, "Oh, my goodness.

508. There's this wonderful-tasting animal.

509. It's the human."

510. Anyway, once I got outside, you know,

511. I can't go around killing people no more.

512. Not that I ever did.

513. Or did I?

514. I started trying to source meat from around the world

515. that was human, but ethical, you know.

516. And a few years ago, the Chinese started a program

517. where, you know how people donate their organs?

518. Well, they can donate their flesh.

519. So I give you my pièce de résistance.

520. This is a filet of vegetarian-fed Chinese dissident

521. and a cauliflower purée.

522. Please enjoy.

523. Mmm.

524. Butter. It's, like, butter-soft.

525. Who needs a knife?

526. It's melting on my palate.

527. I do not even need to chew it.

528. And do you know why?

529. Their dissidents in China

530. are kept in such narrow spaces

531. that they become fatty over the years.

532. Mmm.

533. But it would be a great honor for the family

534. to actually have somebody respected in the West,

535. seen as enjoying their son, Chun Fi.

536. Would it be possible to just say how delicious their son is?

537. - Sure. - To the Lao family.

538. To the Lao family, thank you very much.

539. It's truly an honor and pleasure.

540. This is Chun Fi's loin that I'm enjoying very much.

541. And thanks to Chef, who did a wonderful job preparing it.

542. It's just simply melting on my palate.

543. How does Chun Fi taste?

544. Superb.

545. I must say, I was terrified about doing

546. my first tasting in America.

547. This is your first tasting in America?

548. I'm blown away, for lack of—

549. It's an American term.

550. Of course, I know. I've heard it before.

551. It means just being very excited.

552. - Yeah. - Thank you so much.

553. An honor and a privilege.

554. It's all mine.

555. Same here, mutual.

556. Ooh, OMGWhizzBoy.

557. And I'm here with Jan Brewer.

558. She was former governor of Arizona.

559. Former governor Jan Brewer is with us.

560. How will he do tomorrow? - He will win!

561. Very exciting!

562. Amazing.

563. It is Shopkins.

564. Season five, world vacation.

565. Do you want to open this one?

566. I'm gonna try.

567. Oop!

568. OMG.

569. Oh. "I am Fizzy Fireworks.

570. I do not know how to tie my shoelaces.

571. But please, can I have a semi-automatic gun?

572. I think I would be very good at shooting people."

573. Uh, a certain kind of machine gun, you can.

574. Certain machine guns are off grounds.

575. They ought not to be, though.

576. How old are you?

577. "Me, I'm 21.

578. But I've got a mental age of 3."

579. But the majority of people aren't mentally ill,

580. and they're not running around— - "Oh, I'm not mentally ill.

581. I just want to ethnically cleanse

582. all the limited-edition Shopkins."

583. Well, that's crazy.

584. "Oh, but can I still buy a machine gun, please?"

585. Yes, you can.

586. "Hooray!"