Who Is America? 1x5

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.

2. Ask what you can do for your country.

3. Mr. Gorbachev,

4. tear down this wall!

5. The only thing we have to fear

6. is fear itself!

7. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

8. I don't remember!

9. On tonight's show, Rick Sherman tries to make it

10. in the world of electronic dance music.

11. Welcome to Miami, my brother. Good to finally meet you, man.

12. Have a seat, man. Make yourself at home.

13. Let's, uh — Let's chop it up.

14. So I started — You know, I had two years left.

15. And I thought, "Am I gonna waste my time here in jail?"

16. I thought, "No, I'm gonna make an EDM track."

17. So that's what I did.

18. I went around and I recorded things 'round jail.

19. So I'm gonna get to hear this track?

20. Yeah, you want to hear it?

21. Can you tell me what the different, like,

22. claps and basses and all that —

23. Yeah. So one of the riffs about 35 seconds in,

24. it's, like, a dinner hall mess tray

25. smashing off someone's head.

26. And then, a lot of the basses and the synth

27. and the twanging of the springs under the top bunk.

28. Hey, hey.

29. Then we got like, toilet flushes, people, like, vomiting.

30. You know, pissing, whatever.

31. This is a buggery. This is the buggery.

32. Is that you?

33. - What's that? - Is that you?

34. Uh...

35. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was.

36. But you know what? So what?

37. You know, we've got someone being stabbed.

38. You know, I didn't do the stabbing.

39. Sorry, mate, I'm gonna stab you.

40. It's for a song.

41. It's a tragedy when someone gets stabbed,

42. but the good thing is I was there to record it.

43. And so, in a way, they've given their life to art.

44. I mean, if it's happening, might as well capture it.

45. Exactly.

46. Watch your fucking teeth.

47. I never saw a fucking thing, mate.

48. I never saw a fucking thing.

49. I think that's a masterpiece, man.

50. Kept me, like, at the edge of my seat.

51. You're joking. You're just mocking me.

52. No, no. Actually sounds very, like, UK, too.

53. - I like that. - Sure.

54. Well, they're all — All the people doing the stabbing

55. and the sodomy are all British.

56. That's awesome, man. I'm really interested in this.

57. If you're okay with it, I'd like to put you, like,

58. in an actual, real booth in a stage,

59. and I would love to hear this dropped.

60. - That is amazing. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

61. Are there gonna be girls at the club?

62. Yeah, yeah. It's usually girls at the club.

63. Girls do love deejays, man.

64. Oh, really? No, that's what I've heard.

65. - Yeah.

66. - What for? What, like — - And deejays love deejays.

67. And this — Yeah, yeah, yeah.

68. Once, you know, you break the ice,

69. you're good, man. You're back in the game.

70. - Break a what? - Break the ice, you know?

71. Oh, I thought you'd break her eyes.

72. No, no, no, not "break her eyes."

73. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that.

74. If I make all the calls,

75. I'll definitely find a party that matches this sound.

76. And I'm definitely gonna get it out there.

77. That would be amazing. Brilliant.

78. - Later, my brother. - Amazing.

79. His whole story is extreme.

80. His music's extreme.

81. So I really think the scene really needs stuff like that.

82. Two days later, Jake called.

83. He'd scored an opportunity for Rick, now renamed DJ Solitary,

84. to perform at Sway,

85. one of Florida's most influential nightclubs.

86. - Jake! - My man!

87. How's it going?

88. - What's going on, my brother. - Hey, how are you?

89. - Hello. - Wow!

90. - Hey! - Wow, that's amazing.

91. Wow, they're, like, real — real girls.

92. - Yeah, they're real girls. - Yeah, we're real girls.

93. Whoa, amazing. Whoa.

94. So the question is, man, you ready for tonight or what?

95. Yeah, right. Jake said that deejays gets BJs.

96. What's a BJ? What's a BJ?

97. Can you please tell him what a BJ is?

98. - Oh. - A blow job.

99. - Oh, like fellatio? - Yes, like fellatio.

100. - Oh, oh, yeah. - Deejays get BJs.

101. - For sure. - Not necessarily from me,

102. but in general, deejays get BJs.

103. Oh, no, no, no, I'm not assuming at all it would come from you.

104. I'm a bit nervous 'cause I ain't been around many dolly birds.

105. My mom always said, you know,

106. "You're so ugly that you'd just go out and start robbing."

107. And then, once I got caught, she said,

108. "Luckily, you're so ugly that no one's

109. actually gonna ever touch your posterior."

110. But the joke's on her

111. 'cause I actually got sodomized almost every day.

112. We got something special for you tonight.

113. We got DJ Solitary making his United States debut.

114. Give it up for DJ Solitary!

115. Here we go!

116. I fucking love him.

117. I love him! You did a great job.

118. I was crying. I'm so proud of you.

119. - Oh, thank you so much. - You did so good.

120. I need more of that. I need more DJ Solitary.

121. - Give me another one. - Oh, great.

122. BJ or no BJ?

123. Not from me, but I can find you somebody.

124. - Oh, great. That would be great. - I'll keep my eyes open.

125. We are going to drain the swamp

126. in Washington, D.C.

127. There is a secret society that I've found

128. called the American Cancer Society.

129. Liberal elites are raising money

130. to give Americans cancer.

131. I'm here with Corey Lewandowski.

132. He was the campaign manager

133. for President Donald J. Trump.

134. And so he helped get elected

135. the greatest president we've had

136. whose gonna be looking after the interests of the common man.

137. Corey. Good job, Corey.

138. Donald Trump's campaign manager,

139. Corey Lewandowski,

140. charged for alleged simple battery of a female reporter.

141. I read today about a 10-year-old girl with Down syndrome

142. who was taken from her mother and put in a cage.

143. - Womp, womp. - I read about a — a —

144. Did you just say, "Womp, womp"?

145. Is Donald Trump a racist, or is he the least racist man alive?

146. I can tell you this, I had the privilege of standing

147. and sitting next to candidate Trump

148. and now the president for thousands of hours

149. over my tenure running his campaign.

150. Never, ever, ever did I ever hear him utter

151. a racist word in his life, ever.

152. I mean, if he was a racist,

153. why would he have moved into a black man's house?

154. No, that's the people's house. Look, the White House —

155. No, but he didn't rebuild it, didn't say,

156. "I'm not gonna move in there," didn't knock it down.

157. The president doesn't look at race. Never has.

158. - Of course. - It's a non-issue to him.

159. I wanna say, with Charlottesville,

160. where people attacked our president,

161. why should the president pick a side

162. between anti-fascist and fascist?

163. He's the president of all people.

164. There is a place and a time

165. to disagree with people everywhere, okay?

166. You don't have to agree with people.

167. Wait, you have to respect them, and you can't be attacking them.

168. Exactly, you can't be —

169. you can't be attacking honest, fascist people

170. who just want to express their right to start a genocide.

171. That is their right.

172. Look, I don't know about that, but what I do know is this —

173. All right, okay.

174. If the law says that people can do a peaceful protest,

175. they should be allowed to do that.

176. Listen, I do not hate Jews. I am not an anti-yosemite.

177. In fact, some of my very good friends hate Jews.

178. Now let's talk about mainstream media.

179. - Mm-hmm. - Shouldn't we be worried about

180. who really owns the media?

181. I don't know who owns it.

182. I mean, I think it's the shareholders who own it.

183. PBS.

184. PBS.

185. This may be public broadcasting, but look at that.

186. if you move those bits and shrink them...

187. it shows the proof that they are owned

188. by the biggest force in politics.

189. I don't know what that is.

190. That is smoking marijuana.

191. Why?

192. Because they are owned by the Rastafarian lobby.

193. I wouldn't know anything about that.

194. The Rastafarian lobby were behind a lot

195. of the military decisions of the last 30 years.

196. The invasion of Iraq

197. was because the Rastafarian lobby,

198. their leader,

199. General Robert Marley,

200. suggested that they had over —

201. I think they developed over 45,000 buffalo soldiers,

202. these dread-locked Rastas who were marching through Africa

203. into the heart of America.

204. And then the plan was to take them into Iraq.

205. I don't know if that qualifies as conclusive evidence,

206. but, you know, I've never seen that before.

207. I'm not sure.

208. Let's talk about one thing they accuse Donald Trump of —

209. Donald J. Trump, the president.

210. They accuse him of being a misogynist.

211. Donald Trump said, "There is no one

212. who respects women more than me."

213. Is that the truth, or is it a lie?

214. Look, his actions demonstrate that that's true.

215. - Of course! - And the fact that —

216. He's a — He's basically a feminist.

217. Now, look, the American people are so smart.

218. They don't believe it anymore.

219. They don't believe the fake news which has been there —

220. That's true. I wanna give people out there evidence.

221. Here he is with the president of Germany.

222. Look where his eyes are — looking straight in the eyes.

223. He's not looking at the titties.

224. He's looking straight at the eyes,

225. which is what a feminist would do.

226. Looks like a person who respects a lot of people.

227. What about when he said of Miss Venezuela,

228. he called her "Miss Piggy."

229. Is that sexist?

230. Look, I think the president was reacting to something

231. that he wanted to react to, but —

232. I know also, Miss Piggy is the most powerful

233. and admired of all the Muppets.

234. She's not a weak woman. I mean, Miss Piggy —

235. Yeah, I don't know about that.

236. Beautiful! You look great.

237. What's popping? This is Mahbod, AKA "Ma boo."

238. That's my hip-hop name.

239. Okay, love. Love.

240. Show me love.

241. They are the founders of RapGenius.

242. I kid you not, Jesus came down and he told us, "What's up."

243. And he told us that this is gonna be the biggest site.

244. The sunglasses are kind of my trademark.

245. - Yeah, I love the — - People who know tech,

246. they, like, know that, like, the RapGenius guys,

247. - they wear sunglasses. - Oh, cool.

248. That's like, what we're known for.

249. The reason I like that you wearing the sunglasses

250. is that it is, how you say, "cool."

251. - Yeah. - Cool. Like, it is really cool.

252. - Yeah. - Like a black guy cool.

253. - Yeah. - Do something like a black guy.

254. Really black guy now.

255. The face — black guy.

256. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

257. This face. You gotta mean business.

258. Okay, really tough. Really tough.

259. Pop, pop, pop. Pop.

260. Okay, black guy.

261. We want to show that you're, like,

262. a great guy, as well,

263. that you made money in terms of the Internet.

264. But also, like, you help people.

265. So we're gonna replace this guy just with a green screen

266. and our view as if you were there, like,

267. helping feeding children in Sudan.

268. Of course, the show is —

269. We open the show is sponsored by Nobu.

270. Okay, yeah, tip the sushi more to me.

271. You know what? I want to make you a bit more sexy.

272. I want to make you hot guy, you know?

273. Okay, so you are saving another baby.

274. Okay, beautiful.

275. In the camp, in the refugee camp.

276. Beautiful, while giving sushi.

277. Okay, really give the sushi.

278. We're hoping we're gonna get sponsorship from Clarisonic.

279. So just offer these. So just hold the baby and that.

280. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Really serious.

281. Okay, heroic. Heroic.

282. Okay.

283. A little thing.

284. You want to have a couple minutes

285. to make yourself a little — the pee-pee a bit bigger.

286. - The camera... - Yeah.

287. it takes off a couple of inches.

288. - Sure, yeah. - You want to make yourself...

289. Just put it down.

290. - Very good. - Okay, just push it down a bit.

291. It's okay. Adjust it a little bit.

292. A bit further down. Okay, great. Great.

293. Okay, so we're looking good. It looks beautiful.

294. Okay. Okay. Bye, bye, bye.

295. It's not — They're suggesting we should use black babies.

296. - Okay. - Okay, the black babies.

297. Okay, quickly. Sit down.

298. - It's fine. - Okay.

299. Okay, use the black babies.

300. Okay, fantastico change.

301. Okay, we go fast, okay? Sorry, sorry to rush you.

302. Okay, quick, quick, quick, quick.

303. Hi. It's OMGWhizzBoyOMG.

304. Oh, cutesy, cutesy.

305. I'm here doing some unboxing with my new BFF,

306. Sheriff David Clarke.

307. Thank you. I appreciate it.

308. Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke

309. meeting with Donald Trump this afternoon.

310. There's no police brutality in America.

311. We ended that back in the '60s.

312. Four people have died in his jail in Milwaukee County,

313. including an infant.

314. We now going to talk about issues

315. while we are doing the unboxing.

316. So let's talk about the dangerous people

317. who marched in Charlottesville, or as they're called "Antifa."

318. What are they like?

319. Antifa is an anarchist group, all right?

320. They promote chaos.

321. So they come in. Again, this is not protest.

322. When you start trashing buildings,

323. breaking into buildings, stealing stuff —

324. Amazing!

325. It's Mackenzie Maple Donut! Dab. Dab.

326. Jazz hands!

327. Tell me about Antifa.

328. Should I join them?

329. - Uh... - Can I join Antifa?

330. Mackenzie Maple Donut, do not join Antifa.

331. They — They support killing of police officers.

332. They support disorder.

333. So if you were the sheriff in the '30s in Germany

334. and the anti-fascists were marching,

335. the Antifa were marching,

336. what would you have done to stop them?

337. Well, you have to act aggressively.

338. When I say that, you have to use force to disperse the crowd.

339. You have to be willing to arrest people, take then to jail.

340. Exactly. It's a shame that there weren't brave sheriffs

341. like you around in Germany in the '30s,

342. because you could have protected the fascists

343. and let them speak their mind a bit clearer,

344. and then things could have been done a bit quicker.

345. Well, you don't want to take sides.

346. When you say, "Protect the fascists."

347. You don't want to take sides.

348. Of course. Particularly not in Germany in the '30s.

349. Okay, let's have a look. OMG, big, big fun.

350. "Hey, Sheriff," says, SharkBait007.

351. Deplorable Don, "Sheriff, if I am 32,

352. is it legal to date a 14-year-old in Alabama?"

353. Absolutely not.

354. Okay, so you have the answer there.

355. Now it's "smell your fingers" time.

356. Will you smell your fingers? Because you had them —

357. - Mm-hmm. - Do your fingers smell of box?

358. No, they smell sweet.

359. My fingers smell like my sister after she been roller skating.

360. Wow, I'm not going there.

361. Oh, no, unfortunately,

362. she was murdered three years ago.

363. Oh, that's terrible.

364. I know, and they didn't find who did it

365. because they didn't look in the lake.

366. Wow.

367. Jazz hands! Sheriff Clarke, jazz hands.

368. Hands up.

369. My name Brigadier Erran Morad.

370. Radical Islam is on the rise.

371. It would be America's number-one cause for terror

372. if not for patriotic white men

373. who have been forced to do more and more mass shootings.

374. The only solution is my training course.

375. Yalla. Let's go.

376. - This is Daniel Roberts... - Yes.

377. who is the founder of the Youth Shooters of America.

378. Dan Roberts, an avid gun enthusiast for 30 years.

379. There is nothing exceptionally high-powered about an AR-15.

380. What David Hogg and Emma Gonzalez

381. have said repeatedly smacks of emotional blackmail.

382. The man just shot 600 people!

383. What are you going to do about it?

384. We're not going to do much of anything, hopefully.

385. How did you get to overcome your instinct

386. and be able to shoot the youth?

387. Well, I haven't done that.

388. What we do is teach and promote youth shooting sports.

389. You shoot the youth for sport?

390. No. No, in the United States,

391. there are several different disciplines

392. of competitive shooting.

393. So it is to train?

394. It's to promote safe use with kids.

395. But there's something wrong with the culture

396. that we can't talk about kids being around guns.

397. It is crucial to have the guns in the schools.

398. Yes, absolutely. I absolutely agree with you.

399. Well, one time in my nephew class,

400. a man come in, shouts, screaming at them.

401. The kids take out guns. Bang, bang, bang.

402. That substitute teacher did not stand a chance.

403. Right, right.

404. Two of the classmates shot, but mistake can happen.

405. And it saved more lives than it harmed.

406. Exactly. Have you ever been in a terrorist attack?

407. No.

408. I have been in 14,

409. and I have started three.

410. Wow.

411. What happen in a terror attack?

412. It's chaos.

413. And what the natural instinct?

414. - Is to retreat. - To be quiet.

415. - Yeah. Yeah. - The voice retreat.

416. So we will have a conversation now but shouting.

417. You must use your voice as a weapon.

418. - Okay. - Are you ready to do this?

419. Yes!

420. - How are you? - Fine!

421. - What did you do today? - Drove here!

422. - How many children you have? - Two!

423. - What are they? - Boy and a girl!

424. - Do you love them? - Absolutely!

425. What is the cutest thing about your daughter?

426. Her smile!

427. What is the cutest thing about the other child?

428. His dimples!

429. - What do you do to relax? - Read a book!

430. What kind of book you find most relaxing?

431. Tom Clancy!

432. Why is it so interesting?

433. Getting inside the characters!

434. Good.

435. Who do you think is the most likely age of terrorist?

436. 15 to 25.

437. 23% in the Middle East is done by children.

438. That's tough.

439. Now I will show you how to defend from a suicide diaper.

440. Wow.

441. We are in a shopping center.

442. One of these baby is wearing a suicide diaper.

443. We take the diaper off. We put it in the trash can.

444. We close. And then we go on the floor.

445. The bomb is going to go off in 10 seconds.

446. Ready? Go!

447. 10... nine... eight... seven... six...

448. five... four... three... two... one.

449. Go! Bang!

450. Why did you put that baby in the trash can?

451. Because I wanted to get the bomb to as safe a place as I could,

452. more than anything else.

453. This baby didn't have the bomb.

454. Okay.

455. Please do not put the wrong baby in the trash can.

456. - No, that would be a bad thing. - In the Mossad —

457. I mean, not in the Mossad. We prefer to remove the bomb

458. and put that away and save the baby if we can.

459. Sure.

460. Because we found out that some of them

461. do not really believe in the ideology.

462. And not all of these babies are Jihadi.

463. Right.

464. Okay, now I am going to teach you

465. how to survive a beheading.

466. Oh, okay, I'm very interested.

467. I survive two beheading.

468. Wow. I want to know how to do this, sir.

469. - There is only one defense. - Okay.

470. - You want to learn it? - Absolutely.

471. The only vulnerable point is the groin.

472. So I am going to attack the groin.

473. Really?

474. Do you want to have somebody remove your manhood?

475. Right, right.

476. - Do you want to? - No, of course not.

477. - You bite, you have him. - Right.

478. Don't let go until you are safe.

479. Right.

480. One time, I had my attacker's

481. in my mouth for four hours and 40 minutes.

482. Right, right.

483. By the end of the attack, I let him live.

484. Wow.

485. In the four hours and 20 minutes

486. I had him in my mouth, something happened in his mind.

487. Now he have given up terror.

488. He have separated from his wives.

489. And he's running a PR company in Turkey.

490. - Right. - Okay, so what you are doing

491. is you identify the target.

492. So we go slow. You identify the target.

493. I put up the sword.

494. I am talking, and now you attack.

495. Nobody move!

496. Drop your weapons! Stay cool!

497. Everybody to the outside!

498. - What? - Move to the outside!

499. Stay cool!

500. Everybody drop the weapon.

501. - Go, go. - Drop 'em now!

502. Everybody stay where you are!

503. Okay.

504. Don't follow us, or you're next!

505. Don't move! Walk!

506. Walk! Walk!