Who Is America? 1x2

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.

2. Ask what you can do for your country.

3. Mr. Gorbachev,

4. tear down this wall!

5. The only thing we have to fear

6. is fear itself!

7. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

8. Erev tov. My name, Captain Erran Morad.

9. Today, we learn defense from radical Islam terror.

10. Picture the scene.

11. You are chained to a radiator, naked with a bag over your head.

12. All of a sudden, terrorists break in and kidnap you,

13. completely ruining your birthday party.

14. Yalla. What we waiting for?

15. Let's go.

16. My name Erran Morad.

17. I was in the Mossad for—

18. I mean, I was not in the Mossad for 13 years.

19. I here to teach you Krav Maga. Who are you?

20. My name is Jason Spencer.

21. I'm a state representative in the Georgia General Assembly.

22. That's the House of Representatives.

23. Jason Spencer, a Republican,

24. threatened his former Democratic colleague

25. after she criticized his support

26. of Confederate monuments on Facebook.

27. Representative Jason Spencer says his bill

28. is definitely in response to mass terrorists.

29. House Bill 3 would make it illegal

30. for people to conceal their faces in public.

31. I don't call it a burka ban.

32. I call it an anti-masking statute.

33. - Okay. - Okay, because—

34. - Politically correct. - Because in the United—

35. Well, to win in the legal system,

36. you cannot— you cannot be against the First Amendment.

37. See, this is how the Muslims in the country

38. are using our First Amendment against them.

39. You have to fight fire with fire.

40. Yeah, so do you know how to spot the difference

41. between somebody who is a terrorist in a burka

42. and the normal woman in a burka?

43. I cannot tell.

44. - We have developed a technique. - Mm-hmm.

45. Do you want to know how to do this?

46. Sure. Absolutely.

47. We take a selfie stick,

48. and we take a photo underneath.

49. It is the same that you do with the car.

50. Mm-hmm.

51. These are photos that I took.

52. Mm-hmm.

53. Look at these. This was a man.

54. - Yeah. - What is that?

55. It looks like a Glock.45. Yeah.

56. You recognize this guy?

57. I recognize the gun.

58. I do not know whether this is a woman

59. or a man with a explosive.

60. We pretend to be

61. a Chinese tourist...

62. because the Chinese are always taking selfie.

63. Okay.

64. Convince him or her that you are Chinese. Go.

65. Konnichi wa.

66. Red Dragon.

67. Beijing. Hong Kong.

68. Hong Kong. Sushi.

69. Ah, I see there. Is this a Red Dragon?

70. Do you speak Chinese?

71. Ho Chi Minh City.

72. Thank you. Thank you.

73. Red Dragon, chopstick.

74. Sushi, sushi.

75. Good. Let's look at the picture.

76. It's not a terrorist.

77. Because of who you are,

78. you could be the victim of kidnapping by ISIS.

79. You have two second to attract attention.

80. How do you attract attention?

81. You start screaming.

82. Take your clothes off.

83. In America, there is one forbidden word.

84. It is the N-word.

85. Now, I am going to be the terrorist.

86. You have three seconds to attract attention.

87. Go!

88. Nigger! Nigger! Nigger! Nigger!

89. Wait! Are you crazy?

90. The N-word is nooni, not this word.

91. This word is disgusting.

92. Got it.

93. ISIS are scared of being seen as homo.

94. - You know what it mean, homo? - Yeah, yeah.

95. If your buttock touch them,

96. it mean they have become a...

97. Homosexual.

98. Now I am going to teach you

99. how to use your buttocks to intimidate ISIS.

100. Hmm.

101. Show me the buttock. No, trousers down.

102. Okay. Go.

103. America!

104. Good.

105. One more time, but louder with "America."

106. America!

107. Good.

108. We say in the Mossad— I mean, not in the Mossad—

109. "If you want to win, you show some skin."

110. Okay.

111. Okay. Show it to me.

112. Now try to touch me.

113. I'll touch you.

114. I'll touch you with my buttocks!

115. I'll touch you!

116. You better drop the gun, or I'll touch you!

117. USA!

118. Okay. Stop. You have to remind me,

119. "If I touch you, you will become a homosexual."

120. Okay.

121. Okay? Now try to touch me. Go!

122. Ah! Ah! Ah!

123. Go, go, go, go, go!

124. Ah!

125. Go! Go, go!

126. Ah! Ah!

127. USA!

128. USA, motherfucker.

129. Okay, Jason, you show me your weapon.

130. Go.

131. I'll touch you! I'll make you a homosexual!

132. You drop that gun right now! USA!

133. - Okay. - USA!

134. Look at me. Okay.

135. Lovely.

136. Ah, beautiful.

137. Welcome back to "The Bachelor:

138. The Women Tell All."

139. Joining me on the hot seat, Corinne,

140. easily one of the most polarizing figures

141. we've ever had on the show.

142. Why do we have to worry about her?

143. It's always like, "Corinne, Corinne, Corinne."

144. I'm sick of talking about Corinne.

145. I wish that all the Corinne was done and over with.

146. Charity is very important to you.

147. Um, so in just a little bit, we're going to do—

148. We want to show that you are involved in a charity,

149. so we want to do a little thing to say

150. that you are helping Sierra Leone with Ebola.

151. - Okay. - Fantastico.

152. Yeah.

153. We put you in here, no one's gonna know

154. - it wasn't you. - Oh.

155. And then we green screen, and it looks beautiful.

156. And it's great for the charity.

157. Okay, C, look a little bit more to me now. Okay.

158. Looking a bit happy. Okay.

159. Yeah, I think because it's flopping down,

160. this bit needs to go up,

161. so we put someone in green, green screen,

162. and then we put them back in.

163. Okay. Oh, oh, great.

164. Put more, more desiring, vulnerable, vulnerable.

165. Okay. I love it.

166. Look at me now. All right.

167. Laugh. Okay, beautiful.

168. So we hope that we have the sponsorship from Miu Miu,

169. so it's okay you...

170. So just hold here.

171. Beautiful. With the Fendi glasses, okay.

172. So beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

173. That's it.

174. So charity is so important to you.

175. Um, I hear that you helped some of the kids with Ebola

176. in Sierra Leone, right?

177. Yes. Yes, of course.

178. Helping is really important to me, so...

179. You know, some celebrities went there

180. and didn't do anything.

181. You went there, and you actually helped

182. carry some of the sufferers around.

183. How did you get into that?

184. You know, it was one of those things

185. where I kind of just...

186. did it.

187. How long were you in Sierra Leone

188. fighting this Ebola crisis?

189. Um, I was there for about a week.

190. - Oh, amazing. - Yeah.

191. It's great.

192. Uh, it's possible you say you were there for a month?

193. Because the thing was about three months, so—

194. Okay. Yeah, but they're gonna know that I wasn't there.

195. No, no, no. We are—

196. I run the charity, so don't worry.

197. Okay.

198. How long were you there in the Sierra Leone

199. helping with the Ebola?

200. I was there for about a month.

201. Oh, that's amazing.

202. That's beautiful because I heard

203. there was one very brave thing that you did.

204. There was a warlord in Sierra Leone,

205. and he wanted to do a massacre.

206. And apparently, he recognized you,

207. and, uh, you can tell us the story.

208. He was going to do a massacre of this village,

209. and what happened?

210. - Um, so, he recognized me. - Wow.

211. And he was a really big fan, so—

212. Oh, amazing.

213. I know.

214. Um, he was just, you know, really nice, actually,

215. and he was really surprised to see me.

216. I was surprised he knew who I was, and...

217. Yeah, it was just really humbling.

218. What did he say? Did he say, "Oh, oh!"

219. - Did he freak out? - Yeah.

220. He was, like, really excited and freaking out,

221. so, I mean, it was good

222. because, um, I saved 6,000 people.

223. It's beautiful because I hate it

224. when these people is just about their Instagram.

225. It's just about themself.

226. - Yeah. - Tell me more.

227. What did you say when he recognized you?

228. What did you say to him?

229. I said, "Yes, it's me,"

230. and, um, I was like, "It's so nice to meet you,"

231. and, you know, I feel like because I was so kind back

232. and I was so positive back, you know, it really helped

233. with the whole massacre situation, so...

234. We are going to drain the swamp

235. in Washington, D.C.

236. He is the least-vain person in the world.

237. I mean, ask anybody at Trump Tower, Trump Casino,

238. any of the Trump resorts, Trump University,

239. Trump steak houses or Trump Air.

240. It's never about him.

241. I'm sitting with Ted Koppel,

242. and I'm here in Washington.

243. What do you think about all the fake news

244. that's around at the moment?

245. Uh, I think it's one of the great threats to democracy.

246. Well, I agree with you.

247. What we're witnessing is liberal elites

248. who are trying to bring down

249. the most popular president we've had in recent times.

250. When you say the most popular,

251. he lost the popular vote by 3 million votes.

252. - You know that? - That is fake news.

253. The liberal media,

254. which I believe you are a part of,

255. spread the lie that there were less people

256. at Donald Trump's inauguration than there were at Obama's,

257. and that is a plain lie.

258. You happen to be wrong, but that's okay.

259. Well, let's look at the evidence.

260. Let's look at real evidence.

261. Okay.

262. That is a photo.

263. Excuse me.

264. May I see that?

265. Yeah, that's a photo.

266. That is a photo of Donald J. Trump's inauguration.

267. It appears to be that, yes.

268. Well, look at the time, sir, 11:56 p.m.

269. 11 hours and 56 minutes after the inauguration started,

270. there were still—

271. His supporters were packed in there.

272. It's a daytime picture.

273. What is 11:56 p.m.?

274. Would you concede

275. that 4 minutes before midnight is nighttime?

276. It was an eclipse.

277. Well, an eclipse would mean it was dark, not light.

278. - Not if it was a solar eclipse. - Of course if it was—

279. No, if it was a solar eclipse, it means it would be light.

280. No, it means it would be dark.

281. A solar eclipse is when the moon covers the sun.

282. - No, a solar eclipse is when— - Solar—

283. the sun covers the moon.

284. That is a lunar eclipse.

285. How— Excuse me.

286. - That's not an— - Fake news.

287. That's not an issue of opinion.

288. - You were— - In your opinion.

289. Not in my opinion.

290. There are certain things that actually are factual.

291. Yes, and th-th-those things

292. that I'm trying to show you, Mr. Koppel.

293. What are you trying to show me?

294. You're showing me a picture

295. of inauguration day at daylight

296. with someone holding up a sign that says 11:56 p.m.

297. That is a White House official clock.

298. What do you mean a White House official clock?

299. I've never heard of such a thing.

300. What is a White House official clock?

301. Well, let me say Obama's inauguration.

302. You think there were more people there, do you?

303. I do think there were more people there, yes.

304. Well, I have evidence to the contrary.

305. Do you agree that that is the Obama inauguration?

306. I'm inclined to believe that it was.

307. I have no reason to disbelieve you.

308. - Go ahead. - Thank you.

309. If we zoom in

310. with 35 magnification,

311. then we see

312. that these are dummies.

313. Somewhere between 68% and 69%--

314. - I mean— - Don't shut it down, sir.

315. I mean no disrespect to you, but this is a waste of time.

316. Shalom. Colonel Erran Morad here.

317. Today, I took a 40-minute break from fighting terror

318. to meet one of the world's greatest humanitarians.

319. It is a great honor to be next to a real mensch,

320. Dick Cheney. Shalom.

321. Well, thank you.

322. It's good to be with you today. I look forward to the program.

323. You started so many wars—

324. Afghanistan, Iraq one and Iraq two.

325. Which was your favorite war and why?

326. Oh, I think it was what we did in Desert Storm.

327. I really do.

328. I never thought of it as having a favorite war. The—

329. Of course, but you got to enjoy it, too.

330. Yeah, sure. I-I loved being Secretary of Defense,

331. um, especially in wartime,

332. especially during Desert Storm...

333. It's fun.

334. when we had the capacity, you know, to—

335. I deployed half a million men and women to the Gulf.

336. Fantastic.

337. - And... - Fantastic.

338. we had stealth technology.

339. We had the precision-guided munitions.

340. Of course.

341. We had all of this capability that we developed,

342. and, uh, some of it was used for the first time.

343. What do you think Iraq would have been like

344. if you didn't liberate it?

345. Would it have been a breeding ground

346. for terrorists and unstable?

347. Mm, I think it would have been.

348. Yes. Um...

349. I— We felt that it was, um,

350. an important strategic interest.

351. I have killed some terrorists.

352. How does it feel being the king of terrorist killers?

353. I mean, you killed 100,000 actual terrorists

354. and about 700,000 potential terrorists.

355. Well, I— it was never personal.

356. - I mean, I wasn't... - Of course!

357. in the same position you are,

358. where, um, it was "kill or be killed."

359. We wanted to see more of you.

360. We wanted to get rid of Bush and see more Dick.

361. Was that ever your aim?

362. No, never was.

363. And what about your family, your wife?

364. Did your wife want to see more Dick?

365. Well, she wasn't eager for me to go back into politics.

366. We'd had a great run,

367. and it was never an objective of hers.

368. Why is it that people don't give you enough credit

369. for the many ways that you improved

370. interrogation and humane torture?

371. Well, you'd have to ask them.

372. I...

373. We had a lot of very good people working for us.

374. Torturers, or...?

375. - Uh, interrogators. - Sure, sure.

376. Yeah. We don't call it torture.

377. What do you call it?

378. Enhanced interrogation is what we call it.

379. My neighbor in Tel Aviv is in jail for murder,

380. or as we call it,

381. - enhanced tickling. - Mm-hmm.

382. You know, whether you call it enhanced tickling or murder,

383. it still the same thing.

384. Yeah.

385. To prepare for the interview,

386. I Googled "Dick and torture,"

387. and a whole lot of strange contraptions came up.

388. But these are nothing to do with you.

389. No. I haven't seen that. I'll have to do that.

390. I'd like to see that, how they treated it.

391. Yeah, there were— I Googled it,

392. and there were contraptions with spikes and constraints.

393. One was a kind of rod that goes deep inside the pubic—

394. No.

395. Were these anything to do with you?

396. No, we didn't do anything like that.

397. Waterboarding was the most physical we got.

398. Waterboarding is not torture.

399. I once waterboarded my wife.

400. Mm-hmm.

401. She was cheating on me and I needed to find out with who,

402. - so I waterboarded her. Uh-huh.

403. It turned out she was not cheating, but now I know

404. - to trust her words. - Mm-hmm.

405. And actually, she is a lot more compliant ever since.

406. Mm-hmm.

407. Well, I didn't have that problem.

408. I heard one time while hunting,

409. there was a man who tried to attack you,

410. and you had to shoot him in the face?

411. No.

412. Well, that's a bit of a, uh, distortion.

413. We were hunting, um, quail with shotguns.

414. You were hunting the Vice President Quayle?

415. Well, it wasn't vice-presidential quail.

416. It was— There's Vice President Quayle,

417. whose name is Q-U-A-L-E,

418. and then there's quail,

419. and it is the birds that we hunt.

420. And which one were you trying to kill?

421. - Birds. - Okay.

422. He came up on my right, and a bird flushed.

423. And I turned on the bird and fired,

424. and— but it did hit him with bird shot,

425. dusted him basically with bird shot.

426. - You did it by mistake? - It was a mistake.

427. It was an accident.

428. Yeah. Come on. You are not some schmuck

429. who is going to shoot a friend in the face.

430. What did he do? Did he try to shtup your wife?

431. No, no, no.

432. You don't shoot somebody accidentally.

433. Come on. I know you.

434. I did. In this case, I did.

435. Oh, okay.

436. It's okay if I just get a quick Dick pic?

437. Do you want me to send you the Dick pic?

438. - Sure. - Okay, great.

439. - Yeah. - Thank you.

440. Is it possible to sign my waterboard kit?

441. - Sure. - Thank you.

442. Find a space that...

443. - Well, right here... - Yeah.

444. "To Erran"...

445. I don't know, something funny like,

446. "Good watering," or...

447. Fantastic.

448. - There you go. - Fantastic.

449. Thank you so much.

450. I got Netanyahu, Ariel Sharon.

451. I got Demi Lovato.

452. - She's a brilliant singer. - Uh-huh.

453. I just find her voice fantastic.

454. Well, that's a first.

455. That's the first time I've ever signed a water bottle

456. used for waterboarding, very valuable.

457. Everybody knows about the tragedy

458. of a child soldier in Africa,

459. but what we don't know is that the real tragedy

460. is how underfunded and undertrained they are.

461. Many are not very effective killers at all

462. and are, in fact, more child than soldier.

463. We want to change this

464. so that they can be fighting well into puberty.

465. That's why we want you to join our program

466. and adopt a child soldier.

467. You will have a chance to support them

468. through their childhood

469. and pay for their training, equipment, and even ammunition.

470. Have a look at the great work we do.

471. This is T'Kembe.

472. Look at him two months ago— tragic—

473. but take a look at him now.

474. Since he was adopted by Jessica Simpson,

475. his life is much better.

476. How can you help? It's simple.

477. For just $18 a month,

478. you will get a message from your child soldier

479. telling you about their progress.

480. For example, "Today, we burned down a village

481. and launched a grenade at a hospital."

482. For just $21 a month, you can get them a bayonet attachment

483. and a grenade launcher.

484. Without the grenade launcher,

485. they have to get very close to refugee camps to throw it.

486. Remember, when you launch a grenade, you launch a dream.

487. One look into the eyes of a child soldier

488. when he gets a new launcher,

489. and you instantly know it's all worthwhile.

490. Act now, and you'll receive the handmade drawing

491. of how that child used your gift.

492. Tomorrow's veterans helping today's child soldiers

493. for a better tomorrow today.

494. Namaste.

495. I'm a self-hating white male,

496. and my name is Nira Cain-N'Degeocello.

497. Two weeks after the election was stolen

498. from President Hillary Clinton, I managed to get out of bed.

499. I've been cycling through our fractured nation

500. to try and heal the divide.

501. Kingman, Arizona— once a bustling mining town

502. and home of civil rights activist Timothy McVeigh,

503. now a depressed habitat for voters

504. clearly still mourning the tragedy

505. of Hillary's election loss.

506. What could be better to lift their spirits

507. than news of an exciting new urban development

508. that I decided to tell them about

509. at a town-hall meeting I called?

510. Who wants to see

511. huge economic growth here?

512. - Everybody. - Right.

513. Who wants to see an investment

514. of $385 million?

515. Guess what? You guys are going to get it.

516. I'm here to tell you that Kingman has been chosen

517. as the location of a brand-new,

518. state-of-the-art mosque.

519. - Mm. - What?

520. A state-of-the-art what?

521. I know some of you are thinking,

522. "Okay, this is just another typical mosque."

523. This, guys, is going to be

524. the world's largest mosque

525. outside of the Middle East.

526. Just the word alone scares you.

527. To me, when I hear the word "mosque," I think of terrorism.

528. Is— Is there a need for this in Kingman?

529. Yes, there is.

530. - How? Why? - How? What?

531. Your town will become a hub for tourism from—

532. for Muslims around the world.

533. Can I get a, "Whoop, whoop"?

534. No.

535. We don't want that shit here.

536. If you bring in Muslims, we might have a problem.

537. We probably will have a problem.

538. We'll all be moving out of this state.

539. Okay. Let's...

540. Before we make up our minds,

541. let's take a closer look... We've made up our minds.

542. - ... at this wonderful mosque. - We've made up our minds.

543. The Imam Zayed Wahabi Mosque of Kingman.

544. Oh, my God.

545. You guys will have the choice between two different designs.

546. This is the first design. This is design one.

547. And this is design two.

548. What the hell are you asking?

549. So who here supports design one?

550. Nobody!

551. Okay, so you're all for design two?

552. - Neither! - We said no!

553. We don't want either one!

554. Okay, so let me ask you, sir.

555. You don't like this construction.

556. Tell me about your dream mosque.

557. There is no dream mosque!

558. - We don't want a mosque! - We don't want a mosque!

559. A mosque is for Muslims.

560. Mosque— As soon as you said "mosque," you ruined it.

561. Where is the money coming from?

562. It's not going to be paid for by you.

563. It's primarily going to be paid for by the Saudi government...

564. Of course.

565. the Clinton Foundation...

566. That's a big fucking mistake right there.

567. You should have never brought that up.

568. She's a piece of work.

569. Around here, that's even worse than the mosque.

570. Okay, listen. Can everybody be calm?

571. Can everybody be calm? This is not a big deal.

572. - This is just a building. - It's a huge deal!

573. - It's a building. - It's not a building.

574. It's a fucking terrorist mosque!

575. What? Okay. Let me a-address terrorism.

576. Rest assured, I share your concerns,

577. and we will do everything we can

578. to protect these Muslims from it.

579. The mosque will have fortified walls,

580. and there will be barricades to keep the—

581. Yeah, yeah, to keep the Muslims safe inside.

582. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

583. Why would we want them safe inside

584. when we don't even want them in our town, period?

585. Well, i-it would be to protect the worshippers

586. from any, uh, violent racists.

587. It's— It's not us that's causing the violence.

588. It's them.

589. Oh, no, no, no. Did you—

590. I— I didn't imply anybody here is racist.

591. - Of course not. - I am.

592. I'm racist toward Muslims.

593. Let me continue, and then I—

594. That would probably look good in a fire.

595. Well, it would be made out of stone,

596. so it won't be able to burn.

597. So that's one of the anti-terrorist measures.

598. I really believe by the end of this presentation,

599. you guys are going to be completely convinced.

600. - You're wrong. - I doubt it.

601. Let me show you how your town would change.

602. - Unh-uh. - Oh, hell no.

603. You're fucking kidding me, right?

604. You change the name on that,

605. and I guarantee you're gonna have a fight on your hands.

606. There ain't a goddamn thing about that we like.

607. Can we hear from some of the Muslims in this room?

608. How do you feel about it, sir?

609. - Are you a Muslim? - No.

610. - There's no Muslims here. - There is no Muslims here.

611. Oh, there are no Muslims here at all?

612. This town is lucky to have black people in it.

613. Yeah, of course you're lucky to have black people.

614. They add a lot to the society.

615. - Thank you, sir.

616. Finally, somebody who appreciates...

617. - No, no, no. - ... multiculturalism.

618. You're totally missing— You totally missed—

619. - Sir, you are completely right. - No, no.

620. The benefit of having African-Americans...

621. No. You're not hearing me out.

622. means a more diverse... - You're not hearing him.

623. Thank you, sir. Don't be ashamed.

624. He's saying there's black people in Kingman

625. that aren't welcome there either,

626. but we tolerate them.

627. Okay.

628. One thing I do in Bend, Oregon, is, sometimes,

629. when there there is an atmosphere of tension,

630. which there is here, I use music to alleviate the tension.

631. There is a wonderful song that I use that relaxes people,

632. and it's from the Xhosa Tribe in South Africa.

633. It goes like this.

634. I'm not into that. I gotta go.

635. There ain't nothing calming about that at all.

636. I listened enough to that

637. when I worked at Texaco with— and I don't...

638. Pardon me, where— where are you going?

639. You are triggered, and you are feeling some anger.

640. You're pulling the trigger harder now.

641. We don't want to hear that shit.

642. You really think this is calming us?

643. This will calm if you close your eyes.

644. It's not calming us! It's pissing us off!

645. Close your eyes.

646. I understand exactly why there was told no weapons here.

647. Yes! - Why is that, sir?

648. Because you come down here and open your mouth

649. and say this kind of shit in front of us, Arizonites,

650. somebody is going to get hurt.

651. Well, I'm going to write that down.

652. All you damn sand niggers over in the Middle East,

653. we are tired of you coming to America,

654. and we are tired of you trying to threaten us.

655. We will cut off your dick.

656. You understand?

657. We will take your dick, and we will shove it in your mouth,

658. pull it off, and put it in your mouth.

659. How are you going to rape children and women

660. without a dick?

661. I'm Jason Spencer.

662. I'm an elected official in the state of Georgia.

663. I'm a State Representative and member

664. of the Georgia General Assembly.