Who Is America? 1x1

1. Ask not what your country can do for you.

2. Ask what you can do for your country.

3. Mr. Gorbachev,

4. tear down this wall!

5. The only thing we have to fear

6. is fear itself!

7. "Uhh, I don't know what I said. Uhh!"

8. We are going to drain the swamp in Washington, D.C.

9. I want to confront the mainstream media,

10. and I want to take them down, one by one.

11. Hi. I'm Billy Wayne Ruddock,

12. uh, from truthlibrary.org.

13. And I'm here in Washington with Bernard Sanders,

14. uh, to talk about the political situation,

15. see whether we have any common ground.

16. So, let's start with a real hot potato.

17. Do you believe in Obamacare?

18. I thought it was a good start.

19. I don't think it went as far as it should.

20. You believe it should have gone further?

21. Of course. But Obamacare doesn't work.

22. I mean, I know personally.

23. I was a healthy man, and Obamacare came in.

24. I was forced to see a doctor.

25. And suddenly, I had three diseases.

26. Suddenly, I had, uh, diabetes one and two,

27. I had obese legs, and I had chalky deposits.

28. Well, Billy, obviously, I don't know about your —

29. your healthcare. I'm not your doctor.

30. The — The more important question is —

31. and I can answer that question — Sure. Please do.

32. is, should I be paying taxes to make sure

33. that people like yourself with disabilities

34. can live with dignity?

35. What do you think?

36. I prefer to be anally raped rather than give

37. one more dollar to the Treasury.

38. You — May I be personal with you?

39. Please.

40. Are you — You have a disability?

41. No, I don't.

42. This here scooter is to conserve my body's finite energy.

43. What America is supposed to be about

44. is, it's a land of opportunity.

45. Sure. If you describe America —

46. I agree with that. Okay.

47. But what we have now, we have a situation

48. where the top 1/10 of one percent

49. now owns almost as much wealth as the bottom 90%.

50. So there's a lot that has to be done.

51. And the goal is to create a nation

52. that works for all of us, not just the one percent. But if people —

53. Sir, I don't mean to interrupt. No, it's all right.

54. But rather than complain about the one percent

55. or the 0.1%, why not make the rest of America

56. put them into the one percent?

57. Well, if you put everybody into the one percent,

58. it wouldn't be the one percent.

59. Well, no, it still would be.

60. No, it wouldn't be. If I can...

61. If you... The rest of the population, by definition,

62. they're not in the one percent.

63. They're the rest of the population.

64. But if you — All of the population is 100%.

65. All right, so, this is simple math.

66. If you have one percent here, one percent,

67. you have 99%. Yeah.

68. And if you move the nine in there, you have 19.

69. And then you move the other nine there.

70. Well... If you believe in equality,

71. why not have 100% of the people in the one percent?

72. These aren't my figures.

73. This is the International Institute

74. of Scientific Truth and Knowledge.

75. So this has been proven that this can work.

76. Well...

77. This might lead to some increase in the deficit,

78. but, essentially, it is possible.

79. Uh, what is your proposal, Billy? What...

80. That you keep the one percent,

81. but you move the 99% into the one percent.

82. Look, I — And so you have 199,

83. you just move over the nines.

84. You have — The 99% are in the one percent.

85. Billy, I don't know what you're talking about.

86. I-I really don't.

87. [Cain-N'Degeocello] Namaste.

88. I'm Dr. Nira Cain-N'Degeocello.

89. And I'm a cisgender, white, heterosexual male,

90. for which I apologize.

91. Two weeks after the election was stolen

92. from President Hillary Clinton,

93. I managed to get out of bed.

94. I've been cycling through our fractured nation,

95. listening respectfully, without prejudice, to Republicans,

96. with the hope of changing their racist and childish views,

97. to try and heal the divide.

98. I stopped in South Carolina to dine with a couple

99. who suffer from white privilege.

100. I am the, um, county representative

101. of the state Republican Party.

102. And I was a delegate in Cleveland

103. that nominated Mr. Trump and Mr. Pence.

104. And politically, where — where do you stand?

105. I'm a staunch Republican. Mm.

106. The press needs to understand that Donald Trump understood

107. that we needed to bring jobs back to America. Yes.

108. He really understands Washington.

109. And he wants to make America great. Washington is a —

110. And I truly believe he believes that. Yeah.

111. Now, we would traditionally say grace.

112. Is that all right with you?

113. In my household,

114. we normally start with a, uh,

115. First People chant.

116. Uh, may we?

117. Of course. Sure. Yeah.

118. Amen. Amen.

119. Amen.

120. If — If I may say,

121. how do you challenge gender stereotypes in your house?

122. Um, my husband does the sort of traditionally female

123. household roles in our household,

124. just 'cause he's better at it.

125. For example? I do all the laundry.

126. I usually — Since she does all the cooking,

127. I do all the cleanup.

128. I mean, in — in our yurt, the —

129. We try to challenge the gender stereotypes,

130. which, my son, Harvey Milk,

131. is not allowed to urinate standing up.

132. And our daughter Malala — Well, see

133. Hey, hey, don't interrupt. Well, ou— our daughter —

134. Our daughter Malala... Has to urinate...

135. is obliged to urinate standing up.

136. And, sure, she complains.

137. Sure, there's sometimes a mess.

138. Yeah, she's peeing on her feet.

139. So, you force them to have these rules?

140. Well, there are compliance cams in the bathroom to —

141. that myself and Naomi occasionally check.

142. We guide them. We do not enforce them.

143. So, you have compliance cameras in the bathroom

144. that your children — In the bowl, in the bowl.

145. That your children can't urinate in whatever way

146. they feel like they need to?

147. Malala has started menstruating. Mm-hmm.

148. And we're — we're very proud about that.

149. But she's too young to use my partner,

150. Naomi's, uh, recyclable cup.

151. So we came up with a solution,

152. which was for her to free-bleed and —

153. Mm. Not appropriate.

154. No. Not ap— Not app—

155. Honey, don't pass judgment.

156. Mm. Okay.

157. So, w-we found that if we put a cloth on a chair,

158. firstly, it protected the Herman Miller chairs,

159. which we love. Well, I don't blame you.

160. They're great chairs, so that's great.

161. They're fabulous chairs. But, uh...

162. we have Malala sit on a flag

163. and free-bleed.

164. And we — On a flag?

165. Yes, on a flag. It's a teachable moment.

166. Because we teach her about the bloodshed

167. that arose from the creation of our country.

168. The — The interesting thing was,

169. we noticed that when she free-bled

170. on our nation's flag,

171. the American flag started resembling the Chinese flag.

172. And so we've started this menstrual flag program,

173. and it's actually sponsored by the Clinton Foundation,

174. and it's proving to be popular.

175. I do not want you to judge me for this,

176. but there was a time

177. when my partner, Naomi,

178. took a porpoise lover.

179. A — A dolphin that she met in Tulum.

180. A dolphin? Which — Which apparently is —

181. Pardon me? Excuse me?

182. As in a water animal?

183. A mammal that swims in the ocean?

184. Yes. Okay.

185. I found it very difficult being cuckolded by Darwin.

186. I would — I-I —

187. I empathize with those feelings that you have,

188. because I am a little amazed that she would even want to.

189. My first instinct was, let's move to a landlocked state.

190. Oh, get her away from the sea? Sure.

191. How does one compete with...

192. A dolphin?

193. a sea mammal?

194. I mean, if you could have seen me that first time

195. with my flippers on, just trying to...

196. Trying to figure this out.

197. Trying to catch up and trying to compete.

198. You can't.

199. So — But how long did it take you to get past

200. this whole intercession into your relationship? Yes.

201. Well, we had therapy. Mm-hmm.

202. And now we spend three months a year in Oahu.

203. And she has a relationship with another mammal there?

204. I don't ask.

205. On tonight's show,

206. Rick Sherman tries to get representation

207. for his artwork from a gallery

208. in Laguna Beach, California.

209. Hello, there, Rick. I'm Christy.

210. Yeah, Rick.

211. Nice to meet you.

212. Welcome to Coast Gallery. Lovely to meet you.

213. It's a pleasure to have you.

214. So lovely.

215. Thank you so much for, like, agreeing to see me.

216. It's like a dream come true.

217. Yeah. How long were you incarcerated?

218. No, not that long.

219. About 21 years, so... Phew.

220. I didn't do anything bad. Don't worry.

221. You know, I got put inside for a long time

222. 'cause I made one mistake, just 14 times.

223. With perfect candor, believe me,

224. I've done my fair share of things

225. where they could have thrown me in jail.

226. I'll bet they have!

227. No, really? I think we all have on some level,

228. especially underage drinking. Yeah.

229. I mean, et cetera, et cetera. Right.

230. There are so many, you know...

231. My art is the result

232. of my environment.

233. I was a bit naughty. I'm in solitary.

234. So I-I did a dirty protest.

235. Don't mean to — You're a lady, but, you know, I did...

236. Feces on the wall? Fe— Feces on the wall.

237. And it's on the wall.

238. The guards come in. They're furious.

239. And then the guard's about to rub it off, and he —

240. he stops, and he goes, "Wait a minute. That's pretty good."

241. Wow. That's art.

242. "Who done that?"

243. And I think, "Wait a minute.

244. Maybe — Maybe I do have something."

245. So I decided to paint what was in my gut.

246. So, in my art, there's a lot

247. of white and yellow and red

248. and, obviously, a lot of brown.

249. You were taking all the bad stuff,

250. all the stuff you didn't need,

251. everything built up inside your body

252. that would otherwise cause you to become septic,

253. you're releasing it,

254. and then you're turning it into something beautiful.

255. Shall I show you some of the stuff?

256. Okay.

257. Bit nervous.

258. Well, do whatever you got to do.

259. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself.

260. Realize that you've been led here by fate, by destiny.

261. Everything is gonna be fine.

262. Okay.

263. Don't be a twat. Come on.

264. Come on, Ricky. Come on, Ricky.

265. You're a big — You're a big boy.

266. You've got talent. You've got talent. Big boy.

267. Those are two blokes

268. who was in the next cell to me.

269. Well, I think on some level, it's very simple

270. in terms of it being a piece of cardboard,

271. and just some marker, I guess, is what you used.

272. No, no, no. That's my own feces.

273. This is your own fec— Okay, I apologize.

274. I didn't realize we were exactly — Okay.

275. So, you've taken — Yeah, you've taken waste

276. and turned it into a portrayal of life.

277. Uh, they — they seem to definitely have

278. different characters,

279. even from this sort of minimalist rendering

280. in terms of their facial expressions. They did.

281. Well, yeah, he was a burglar, and he was a kiddie fiddler.

282. Did you show these guys this?

283. Yeah, I did.

284. And what was their response, if I might ask?

285. He loved it.

286. He tried to stab me, because he said, "What?

287. You've done this with your shit?"

288. The white on that,

289. I used about 85 lots of ejaculate to it.

290. I didn't have enough white paint.

291. So I collected...

292. collected it from my cell mate.

293. Uh-huh.

294. I would, uh, fel— felicitate

295. his — his phallus... Mm-hmm.

296. in order to extract his white paint.

297. Eventually, he found out...

298. while I was doing it.

299. Oh, he wasn't aware? Wow. Okay.

300. You know, he — he — he reaped his revenge on me

301. in a very brutal way.

302. How did he reap his revenge, if I might inquire?

303. He put a chair leg up my ass.

304. I'm sorry you had to endure that.

305. On the plus side, though, it did give me some red paint

306. that I used for another piece.

307. I have moments of doubt where I think the only thing

308. I'm good for is bashing people on the head.

309. And that maybe I'm mad with this dream of becoming

310. a world-famous artist just by using my shit and cum.

311. Am I?

312. I think we're all mad,

313. and I think we're all normal, at the same time.

314. You know, I mean, I hesitate to use the word,

315. because I don't mean to burden you,

316. but just by virtue of the medium,

317. you know, it's indicative of a sort of genius.

318. What?

319. Christy, as an artist, I find you very inspiring,

320. and you make me feel very creative.

321. I-I actually feel inspiration coming.

322. Well, let's — let's get busy.

323. Do you — Keep producing.

324. Do you mind excusing me for a moment?

325. No.

326. Be back.

327. Well, I guess this is the part

328. where the art gets made. [door opens, closes]

329. Who knew the world was capable

330. of such oxymoronic,

331. paradoxical juxtapositions?

332. I did this for you.

333. Wow.

334. That's — That's pretty spot-on.

335. I feel like I'm looking in the mirror, but —

336. except for the medium.

337. I've even got a glow in my eye.

338. Yeah, that's some of the cum.

339. This brush here, I'm actually collecting pubes

340. from different artists.

341. The — The light-brown one is actually Damien Hirst's.

342. Oh, wow. But Banksy actually sent some.

343. It's the really dark-brown stuff over there.

344. Are you asking me for a sample?

345. Uh...

346. Well. I-I — Just kidding.

347. No, no. Honestly, no, I would be honored

348. if you would give even one hair to that.

349. I'll be honored. I'll be completely flattered.

350. And the — the — the pubic hairs

351. that are on there — Okay, I'll give you one. Sure.

352. Right now?

353. So — Let's try to get a good one here.

354. If you could get a couple, you know.

355. However many you're comfortable with.

356. I feel embarrassed to even ask for one.

357. I offered. You didn't ask.

358. Oh, that is so generous.

359. Wait a minute. It's — I might be able to get a little better.

360. Let me try here. Yeah.

361. But there's six beaut— Okay, here we go.

362. Here's a nice... Oh, hold on.

363. Really appreciate you doing that.

364. My pleasure.

365. My name — Colonel Erran Morad.

366. I am the terrorist terminator.

367. In America, there is big problem of shootings in schools.

368. The NRA want to arm the teachers.

369. This is crazy.

370. They should be arming the children.

371. Yalla! Let's go!

372. To get deadly weapons into the hands

373. of America's schoolchildren,

374. I needed the help of gun-rights hero Philip Van Cleave.

375. My next guest is a gun-rights advocate

376. who says the Bushmaster semi-automatic rifle,

377. the type of rifle that Adam Lanza

378. used to kill 20 children and six more adults,

379. is "a blast to shoot with.

380. Guns are fun."

381. Some of them are much more cool than others."

382. Are you proud of what you said?

383. It's just a fact.

384. In America, there have been a lot of shootings in the school

385. and in the university.

386. What do the liberals say is the reason for this

387. and the solution?

388. Well, they blame it on guns.

389. Yeah, it's crazy, because people —

390. They blame it on the guns? Yes.

391. Meshugge. Yes, it is.

392. We start a program in Israel

393. for kinder-guardians. Okay.

394. We train them from the age 16 down to the age three.

395. Yeah, well, I-I think it would be a — a good idea.

396. We've — We've been pushing something

397. along this line for years,

398. but really haven't gotten any traction with it.

399. We were thinking seventh or eighth grade.

400. You're talking much younger than that.

401. My son was in the very first program.

402. May he rest in peace.

403. Uh, he died doing what I love.

404. Yeah, they haven't quite developed, uh,

405. what we call "conscious," where you —

406. you feel guilty about doing something wrong.

407. That's developing. You're learning right and wrong.

408. If they haven't developed that yet,

409. they could be very effective soldiers.

410. This year, in our state government,

411. they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal

412. for someone four years old to 12 years old

413. to have access to a gun.

414. Oh, we killed — We killed the bill. What?

415. They tried to stop four-year-old children

416. from having access to guns?

417. Yes. Yes.

418. What is the logic that these people come up with?

419. They just think that children, uh, can't handle them.

420. We want three-years-old who are real experts

421. at what they're doing, not three-year-olds

422. who are reckless. Yeah.

423. And we don't teach two-year-olds,

424. because they call it the "terrible twos" for a reason.

425. Yes, there's a reason. Yes.

426. So, I would like you to help me do instructional video

427. for three-year-olds.

428. Okay.

429. Shalom, children.

430. My name Erran Morad.

431. I here to show you that guns, when used responsibly,

432. with training from grown-ups,

433. can help keep you safe in your school.

434. Here to help teach you is Philip Van Cleave.

435. Not every strange man you meet gonna be friendly

436. and non-threatening like me.

437. Today, we're going to teach you

438. how you can stop these naughty men

439. and have them take a long nap.

440. That's right, and that's why you're going to meet

441. a friend of mine.

442. His name is Puppy Pistol.

443. Now, Philip, will you show us how to feed Puppy Pistol?

444. To feed him, take his lunchbox

445. and push it into his tummy, like this.

446. Just remember to point Puppy Pistol's mouth

447. right at the middle of the bad man.

448. If he has a big, fat tummy, point it there.

449. Great!

450. It's fun. Okay.

451. Puppy Pistol is part of a whole group of new friends

452. that your parents can get you called Gunimals.

453. Wouldn't you love to meet this little Gunny Rabbit?

454. He's ready to put the naughty man on a very long time-out.

455. How about the magical Uzicorn?

456. Well, this is one for the girls.

457. It's a lovely little unicorn that you can play with.

458. Dino-Gun can stop an entire crowd of bad men.

459. And, tots, you've got to learn

460. that Dino-Gun eats and spits his candy really, really fast.

461. Rocket Ship RPG will take you to the moon.

462. Or, rather, the bad guys are going to the moon,

463. if they attack your school with a truckful

464. of big, scary fireworks.

465. And introducing BFF,

466. a starter gun for infants 24 months and under.

467. BFF is so easy to fire, even a baby can use it.

468. BFF wants to help you pull the string on a bad guy.

469. Make bang-bang.

470. Now that I had a common-sense training video,

471. it was time to take it to the nation's capital.

472. I just arrived in Washington to see

473. if someone will back my kinder-guardian's program.

474. I needed to find politicians who would fight

475. for the Second Amendment right of toddlers

476. to bear firearms at preschool.

477. So I met with lobbyist Larry Pratt,

478. director of Gun Owners of America,

479. which have 1.5 million brave members.

480. The evil's in our hearts, not in the guns.

481. Do you think the liberals are using these school shootings

482. to further their anti-tragedy agenda?

483. They're trying, but it's —

484. it's not that hard to find a student

485. who does think that way,

486. because that's what they're being taught in the schools.

487. We actually found out that, in schools,

488. it not only important to arm the teachers —

489. important to arm certain gifted children.

490. Oh, that's great.

491. We train from 16-year-old, uh, up to four-years-old.

492. This segment of the conversation

493. would absolutely cause heads

494. to explode here in this country.

495. Not all. Why? Because they will be shot or...

496. Because that they're — they're so prejudiced

497. against young people having guns,

498. and especially in a school.

499. The only thing that stop a bad man with a gun

500. is a good boy with a gun.

501. Yeah. Uh, even a good toddler.

502. Exactly. A toddler. Really.

503. The great thing about toddlers is,

504. they don't have any fear of guns.

505. This fear is really given to you by the media.

506. That's a good point.

507. Well, if they hear somebody shouting, "Allahu Akbar,"

508. they're likely to instinctively go for that gun.

509. We had one problem with this.

510. There was a Muslim gardener who was praying, and he said,

511. "Allahu Akbar," and he got — He got shot.

512. Pray in — Pray in secret.

513. Women need a gun, you know.

514. My wife, she have a gun.

515. And she shot me once.

516. You know, what can I do?

517. I get horny in the middle of the night,

518. but it's not, uh, rape if it's your wife, eh?

519. Right? Right?

520. That probably won't be on the video

521. we send to the Hill.

522. Oh, no, no, no.

523. What do I need in order to introduce this program

524. into America?

525. There are a few members of Congress

526. that, I think, would be as receptive

527. to what you're doing as I have been.

528. I'd be very happy to see if we could get them interested,

529. to set some time aside. Great.

530. Let's see if we can stop these anti-gun people

531. from getting everyone killed. Yeah.

532. Yeah, they've got blood on their hands.

533. Now that I had this Pratt on board,

534. I was welcomed into the halls of Congress,

535. where I sat down with a House representative

536. and outlined my common-sense proposal.

537. Oh, the — the — You want me to say on television

538. that I support three- and four-years olds

539. with firearms?

540. Is that what you're asking me to do?

541. Uh, yes. Hmm.

542. You can... Typically, members of Congress don't just hear a story

543. about a program and then indicate

544. whether they support it or not.

545. I support the kinder-guardian's program.

546. We, in America, would be wise to implement it, too.

547. It's something that we should think about, America,

548. about putting guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens,

549. good guys, whether they be teachers

550. or whether they actually be talented children

551. or highly-trained preschoolers.

552. Maybe having many young people trained and understand

553. how to defend themselves in their school

554. might actually make us safer here.

555. A three-year-old cannot defend itself from an assault rifle

556. by throwing a Hello Kitty pencil case at it.

557. Our Founding Fathers did not put an age limit

558. on the Second Amendment.

559. The intensive three-week kinder-guardian course

560. introduces specially selected children

561. from 12 to four years old to pistols,

562. rifles, semi-automatics,

563. and a rudimentary knowledge of mortars.

564. In less than a month, less than a month,

565. a first grader can become a fire grenader.

566. Toddlers are pure, uncorrupted by fake news or homosexuality.

567. They don't worry if it's politically correct to shoot

568. a mentally deranged gunman.

569. They'll just do it.

570. The science behind this program is proven.

571. At age four, a child processes images 80% faster than an adult,

572. meaning that, essentially, like owls,

573. they can see in slow-motion.

574. Children under five also have elevated levels

575. of the pheromone Blink-182,

576. produced by the part of the liver known as the Rita Ora.

577. This allows nerve reflexes

578. to travel along the Cardi B neural pathway,

579. to the Wiz Khalifa, 40% faster, saving time and saving lives.

580. When it comes to the safety of our children...

581. the way to stop bad guy with a gun...

582. is a good kid with a gun.

583. A good kid with a gun.

584. A good child with a gun.

585. Happy shooting, kids.

586. And how would you define Nira's values

587. or his value system?

588. I-I don't know. Can I be crudely honest?

589. Fucked up.

590. I never knew something so repulsive could be so beautiful.

591. As far as I'm concerned,

592. he just raised the bar for all artists.