What We Do in the Shadows 6x4

1. But one might ask,

2. "What happens after we conquer the tristate area?"

3. To which I say, first thought, best thought.

4. We head west.

5. Quick question, how long will this presentation take?

6. Well, okay, I did plan a lunch midway through,

7. right out there in the foyer.

8. Ah, ring, ring. Terribly sorry, Jerry. I must take this.

9. Hello? Really?

10. You need me now, you say?

11. Do excuse me. I'll be straight back, I promise.

12. I can tell you're not holding a telephone.

13. Immediately? Ah!

14. All right, person on the end of this mobile.

15. It's not a phone.

16. - He said, "Ring, ring." - Yes.

17. - There's no cord. - Wake up.

18. We'll press forward.

19. Great presentation, Jerry.

20. Unfortunately, me and Nandor have a 9:00 p.m. on the books.

21. - So... thank you so much. - Yes.

22. Okay, uh...

23. Bye then.

24. Bye.

25. Thought you guys actually

26. were taking the vampire domination seriously this time.

27. - We are. - We are, Jerry.

28. - Yeah? - Just not right now.

29. Great. So now I'm talking to the ghost doll

30. and the energy vampire.

31. - Hi. Colin Robinson. - Right.

32. Can you just take it from the top?

33. I am loving my job at Cannon Capital Strategies.

34. Every day, I am greasing the filthy wheels of commerce

35. and learning the dark arts of corporate America,

36. all the while, secretly helping Guillermo rise through the ranks here.

37. I have had to go above and beyond at times

38. to, you know... Oh, my God, he's choking.

39. help these dogs really appreciate Guillermo.

40. - Look at that. - Nice.

41. - Oh, my God. - Yes.

42. Guillermo saved his life. - Yes.

43. But I think they are coming around.

44. Hey, Nadja. Jordan's making a big announcement in 15 minutes.

45. So don't go anywhere, okay?

46. Hey, Jimmy, there you are.

47. You see how he talks like the little piss king of everything now?

48. Oh. No rest for the wicked.

49. Things are going really well for me here.

50. To be considered an important part of the team is refreshment for my spirits.

51. It reminds me of the old Al-Quolanudarian folktale

52. of the humble sheepherder who was secretly a prince.

53. One day, the people here are gonna be very surprised to learn

54. that the janitor who scoops out their hangover vomit from wastepaper bins

55. is in fact a very powerful warrior.

56. There he is. What's up, Andy?

57. So someone took a shit on the toilet seat again.

58. I will fix.

59. All right, listen up!

60. I got the big news.

61. It's official.

62. We have acquired Hancock and Sons. Yeah!

63. This is a name that is synonymous with classic American style,

64. and it's got insane brand equity out the ass.

65. - Yo! Yeah! - No, it's just a stellar,

66. stellar acquisition.

67. I'm so proud of you guys.

68. And special kudos to the motherfucking

69. - LBO team over here. - Oh, no!

70. - Killing it. Let's party! - You, you!

71. Yeah!

72. - All right. Pop it up. - Yeah!

73. - Yeah. All right. - Business!

74. - Money! - Back to work, every—

75. - Jordan. Congratulations. - You ready for those...

76. Thank you.

77. Jordan! To you, Jordan! - Yeah!

78. - We did this. Yeah! - So, basically,

79. we license the Hancock and Sons name to the highest bidder

80. who make the clothes super cheap in Asia,

81. which is a great job for a third-world kid.

82. And then all the factories that we close down in the US

83. get converted into, like, drug clinics.

84. Pretty clever if you think about it.

85. - Hey, Guillermo! - Yes, master...

86. - Yes, Jordan? - Hey. Oh... I didn't know you were on film.

87. Cool kicks, dude.

88. Hey, did you get my spot at Gage and Tollner?

89. Yeah, you got it. 7:30, window seat.

90. Okay, I'm gonna actually need you to make that 8:00.

91. - Okay. - And I may not go at all.

92. - All right. - So make a note.

93. - Okay. - Hey, level up, bro.

94. - Level up. - There it is.

95. - No, we don't explode. We fist... - No? Sorry. Yeah.

96. Yeah, we'll keep working on it.

97. Hot tip. This little ding-dong is partner material.

98. - Trust me. - What? No. It's easy when you have

99. - a cool boss like Jordan. - Shut the fuck up!

100. I've learned so much from him.

101. He's, um... Well, I hear he's quite the dealmaker.

102. - Thank you very much. - So I kind of see him now

103. more as a mentor.

104. He can also be very demanding.

105. What the fuck is this, huh? What the fuck is that?

106. Pick it up. Get the hell out.

107. Goddamn it.

108. But, you know, nothing I'm not used to.

109. - Hey, Guillermo. - Yep?

110. Yeah, one more thing.

111. You know that janitor you're kind of friendly with?

112. The one that's getting in everyone's face all the time? Andy?

113. I don't know. Maybe Nandor?

114. - That's it. - Yeah. I don't know him.

115. You know, every time the son of a bitch comes in my office to empty the trash...

116. - Mm-hmm. - ... he starts up a ten-minute conversation.

117. - I'll talk to him. - No, no. Fire him.

118. Looks good to me. We should, uh, try him out on the road.

119. See how he does at a quinceañera or something.

120. You'll do no such thing.

121. This creature was created for shit work, and shit work it will do.

122. Laszlo, Sean is here.

123. - Fuck. - Laszlo?

124. Hello, my darling. Tell him I'll be right up.

125. He's already on his way down.

126. Shit. Cover him up.

127. Well, you're wrong, Laszlo.

128. This monster could do so much more than just shit work.

129. Well, I'll be the judge of that.

130. Night night, little buddy. See you later.

131. - Whoa. - Seanay!

132. Oh, what the fuck is this place?

133. Some sort of torture chamber?

134. No, no, no. Welcome to the laundry room.

135. Smells like scrambled eggs and piss.

136. Well, Nadja insists that we use an organic detergent.

137. It's cool. Cool. So you guys still work at the railroad, right?

138. Of course we do. Yeah, I work at the railroad.

139. Me too.

140. For a few years now, we've had to tell Sean that we work at the railroad.

141. Which explains the rather odd hours we keep.

142. He usually doesn't ask questions,

143. which is good because we don't know dick about the railroad.

144. So that's a... It's a pretty cool job.

145. It's about the coolest.

146. The railroad is a great company.

147. Sean's not what you would call curious.

148. Well, I just got shitcanned from the TSA.

149. Charmaine's been on my ass about asking

150. if, I don't know, you know, maybe I could get an interview with the railroad.

151. But fuck me, you know.

152. You want an interview, you got it.

153. - Seriously? - Yeah.

154. - Oh, that's awesome. - Anything for a friend.

155. You're the best friend I've ever had in my life.

156. I swear to you guys,

157. I am not gonna let you down.

158. Not even you, Dilbert.

159. I gotta tell Charmaine right now.

160. - Shit. - We don't actually work at the railroad.

161. Yes, I do know that.

162. Just hypnotize the guy so he forgets about the interview.

163. I wish I could. He's almost brain-dead.

164. He's hypnotized out.

165. He's a proper idiot.

166. Doesn't know his ass from his elbow. I mean, he really is stupid.

167. But he's my friend. I can't let him down.

168. Hey, elevator box don't go-go.

169. You need to press one of the buttons, Sean.

170. There we go.

171. Good gravy.

172. Yo, Big G.

173. - What is that, tea? - Yeah.

174. Okay.

175. I need you to book the back room at Modus for Friday night.

176. We're gonna go ham on some steaks with the whole team.

177. - That includes you. - Really?

178. Yeah. You're special to me, ding-dong.

179. - Okay. - Look at that smile.

180. You earned it, bro.

181. What the fuck?

182. Hey, the fuck is he still doing here?

183. I told you to fire that hippie.

184. Oh, yeah. I've been so swamped. I haven't got around to—

185. Yeah, yeah. We're all swamped.

186. If you're not ready to step up, I need to know, like, right now.

187. I'm ready.

188. Hi.

189. Welcome to the Staten Island and Southwestern Railroad.

190. We brainstormed several ways out of our Sean dilemma,

191. but in the end, the simplest plan was the best,

192. which was to rent an entire corporate office floor

193. and hire a bunch of actors to pretend they're working at a railroad office.

194. Christine, we're gonna need more phones.

195. Derryberry, not West Brighton. Derryberry.

196. Now, you two are gonna be in an office romance.

197. You know, I wanna really feel the tension.

198. Do I get extra for that?

199. Uh, no, you don't. You're lucky to even be here.

200. Don't overthink it, guys.

201. Pretend you work at the railroad.

202. Sometimes you look at a clock. Sometimes you look at a map.

203. You're always angling for some workmen's comp

204. so you can sit on your big butts.

205. That's the dream of a railroad worker.

206. Guillermo! What is cracking, my friend?

207. You know, just crushing it, climbing up that ladder.

208. - You know how it is. - I do.

209. I am also making arrangements in the friendship department.

210. So, here's the thing.

211. Jordan has asked me to tell you—

212. Advice from the great Jordan. Do tell.

213. Well, Jordan has asked me to tell you—

214. Did I win employee of the month?

215. He wants me to tell you that he thinks you should...

216. blend in more with the background.

217. - The background? I— - Kinda be more invisible.

218. Invisible?

219. Yes, of course.

220. You know, as a powerful warrior,

221. I'm not so used to tamping down my natural air of cold command.

222. Such a personality can cast a long shadow.

223. - That's it. - Thank you for the advice, Guillermo.

224. It'll be as if I'm not even here.

225. Okay.

226. Give me another fact.

227. Our trains specialize in moving units.

228. All right. Well, how many units?

229. - 2,000 units. - That's big.

230. Oh, engines. They run on electric or diesel?

231. Uh, electric diesel and I'll throw in some steam.

232. - Sounds like low emissions. - Strictly nocturnal.

233. I'm gonna love this company.

234. What a lovely surprise!

235. Seany, what is going on here?

236. Laz is prepping me for my interview with the railroad tomorrow.

237. - Could I borrow you, my Velvet King? - If you must.

238. Husband and wife business, you know.

239. Don't worry about it. Go over my resume.

240. You idiot. There is no railroad.

241. Well, that's why we built one.

242. You built a railroad?

243. Well, not the whole thing, just the office.

244. So you could give Sean a job?

245. Of course not. There is no job.

246. So we could give Sean an interview,

247. build his confidence.

248. After this, he'll be getting jobs left, right and Chelsea.

249. I don't remember working at Kinko's.

250. Laszlo,

251. Sean is very lucky to have a friend

252. who is as big and generous in his brains as he is in his knickers.

253. Yes.

254. You, uh, think I should get,

255. like, a conductor's hat or something?

256. Of course I will miss the easy camaraderie of an office environment.

257. But such is the curse of powerful men.

258. - What's up, gangsta? - What's up? What!

259. At least I am helping Guillermo.

260. - You all good, man? - What's he doing?

261. You good?

262. All right. I gotta go.

263. - All right. - I'll see ya.

264. Of course it hurt a little,

265. but I was reminded of when I was a warlord.

266. I would always discourage nonsexual fraternization amongst the men.

267. Whoa, this is one hell of a busy office.

268. And this is just the night shift?

269. Well, here at the railroad, we like to keep rolling.

270. I see what you did there.

271. - Are you ready? - I'm ready as I'll ever be.

272. Oh, hey, listen, I'd like to say hi to Nandor while I'm here, you know.

273. Yeah, I don't think that'll be possible. He's very busy at the moment.

274. There he is. Now, we'll just move on in here.

275. - Oh, yeah. - You're about to meet Mr. Smith.

276. Now, he's a tough nut to crack, a man of few words.

277. - Just relax and be yourself. - Yeah.

278. If I tell you to leave that office, then get out of the office.

279. What do you do?

280. - Get out of the office. - You got it.

281. - Oh, why it's Laszlo and Sean. - Yes.

282. Mr. Smith, this is the man we were telling you about.

283. Sean Rinaldi, meet Greg Smith, president of the SISR.

284. He had a little fender bender over the weekend.

285. We're not gonna need that.

286. I wouldn't be so sure.

287. Greeting.

288. Hey, thank you for the opportunity.

289. Damn, that's an interesting grip, huh?

290. We decided to kill two cats with one arrow,

291. meaning Sean gets his interview,

292. and the monster gets to show that he's a smart, cool dude.

293. Who Sean?

294. That's a great question.

295. Who is Sean Rinaldi?

296. Well, I'm a hard worker, a team player.

297. Why Sean railroad?

298. Boom. Another great question.

299. I will hold you responsible if today turns into carnage.

300. - It won't. - It might.

301. I think to me,

302. the Staten Island and Southwestern Rail

303. isn't in the business of transportation.

304. It's in the business of dreams.

305. - Sorry, I gotta ask, man. - Hmm?

306. What's your fucking deal? Where do you even come from?

307. Oh, uh, well, I'm from Staten Island, but I was raised in the Bronx.

308. No, motherfucker.

309. I mean, you were pushing the mail cart two weeks ago, and now you're an analyst?

310. Like, what the fuck's up with that?

311. Well, a junior analyst, but yeah, guess I'm pretty good at my job.

312. Pretty fucking great at it, more like it.

313. Yeah.

314. No, no. But seriously, bro, Jordan, he thinks you're the shit, man.

315. - Really? - That's right.

316. Yeah, yeah. No lie.

317. And then I say, "Not my problem."

318. Cheers to you, motherfuckers.

319. Cheers.

320. Let's do this!

321. Go again. Let's go again.

322. Come on, you know you want it. Let's go!

323. Bring 'em round. Bring 'em around.

324. Yes. Yeah.

325. - Wow, dude. - Yeah.

326. It goes small, then it goes...

327. Hey, hey. Listen up. Listen up.

328. I got something to say. I wanna get this off my chest.

329. Make it real quick, then we'll go back to the partying.

330. Looking at everybody at this table,

331. some of you guys are not gonna be here in a couple of months.

332. I get that. Because of performance levels.

333. But for most of you, I love this group so much.

334. I am so proud of this team.

335. - Pussy. - I will knock you out, motherfucker.

336. Shut the fuck up. Trying to get through this.

337. You know, this isn't something I'm comfortable doing, being nice.

338. But I wanna say it. You guys work so damn hard.

339. And if you know anything about me,

340. you know that everything I do here is for my wife and my kids, right?

341. And having said that, fuck 'em.

342. This is my fucking family, right here!

343. Guillermo. Get the fuck up here.

344. Get up here. Guillermo de la fucking Cruz.

345. This kid shows up early, stays late.

346. Works his ass off, never complains.

347. And I love it.

348. And I love you. Welcome to the family, my brother.

349. Let's hear it for Guillermo!

350. I may look wistful, but that is the look all generals have

351. when they hear the enlisted men carrying on.

352. Let them sing and boast.

353. It is better that I keep my distance.

354. Guillermo, let's go!

355. Well, I don't wanna take up any more of your time, Mr. Smith,

356. except to say that I believe in the power of rail.

357. And not just for the economics of this great country,

358. but for the entire planet.

359. It's one of the reasons that I think I make a great fit.

360. 'Cause I'm young, I'm dumb. I'm a fool—

361. Greg Smith stop you there.

362. Yeah.

363. Shit, I shouldn't have made the joke.

364. Railroad more than get freight A to B point.

365. - It more than business for money profit. - Yeah.

366. - It about connect people. - Yeah.

367. It about bring folk together.

368. Yeah. I couldn't agree more.

369. Greg Smith like cut of Sean jib.

370. Welcome to railroad.

371. All right.

372. I am so proud right now.

373. I-I told you he could do more than just grunt work.

374. Yeah, but you know he wasn't actually supposed to hire Sean.

375. Yeah.

376. So, uh, how many days do I get off?

377. Fair enough. But he didn't kill anyone.

378. I cannot believe you hired him,

379. let alone made him a vice president.

380. What? I think Sean will make a fantastic vice president.

381. Me like cut of Sean jib.

382. Yeah. I couldn't agree more, Monster.

383. He's super qualified, and he's incredibly charismatic.

384. I mean, damn Sean for being so good.

385. What's up, motherfuckers?

386. "Motherfuckers"? Shouldn't you be shitting in your shed?

387. No. Me and Jordan and the LBO team went out for steak...

388. - Ugh. - ... because we closed

389. on the Hancock and Sons deal.

390. Oh, Hancock and Sons. That's a quality shirt.

391. Not anymore.

392. We just bought it for the brand and the land.

393. The rest of it can go fuck itself.

394. - Ooh. - No, no. Not fuck itself.

395. Like Jordan said, this is a net positive for the consumer to get a cheaper product.

396. That is just a nice way of saying

397. that you get rich off the bones of the old workers.

398. You don't know what you're talking about. You know why?

399. Because you are not on the team.

400. Bitch, I am the team.

401. I built you up from a nobody in the mail room.

402. I was told at my onboarding

403. that nobody is a nobody at Cannon Capital Strategies.

404. It is not right that this insolent little shed-dweller

405. should ever claim to be better than me.

406. Whatever, Nadja, 'kay?

407. Yeah, maybe you did help me get a few steps ahead.

408. But you know what? You're not that great.

409. In fact, that whole office is made up of tiny little shed-dwellers.

410. Jordan loves me because I crush it,

411. and you're all sitting around with your dicks in your hands.

412. Why not? It's our house.

413. Those pencil dicks will rue the day they ever overlooked me.

414. Okay. So let's wait for their counter,

415. but be prepared to be very aggressive with them,

416. because I've seen this before.

417. - Okay? - Yeah.

418. What else do we have on the agenda? I know there's some more—

419. Which of you sons of bitches wants to live in a mansion?

420. Yeah, I think you're in the wrong meeting there, Elvira.

421. - Okay? This is the LBO team. - Sorry.

422. I thought this was the team with dicks so big they wiped the floors.

423. But if you're too busy sucking each other off, I can go elsewhere.

424. Hang on. I'll bite. Before I fire you. What do you... What do you got?

425. Do you like trains? 'Cause I know your mom does.

426. And this is too big even for her wide-set legs.

427. Staten Island and Southwestern Railroad, absolutely creaming with assets.

428. - Open season. - Yeah, this might be something.

429. Well, how's it feel?

430. Like I belong, right?

431. What do I do now? Call a meeting? Make a spreadsheet?

432. The world's your oyster.

433. You're higher up on the org chart than we are.

434. - I am? - Oh, yeah. You're a VP.

435. Laszlo's a deputy senior director,

436. and I'm a, uh, railroad consultant.

437. - Marone. That's a lot of responsibility. - Yeah.

438. We should do something official. Let's go check out the trains.

439. That's a great idea. Let's go and check out the trains.

440. - There are no trains. - I know that.

441. I just don't wanna disappoint Sean.

442. Maybe we can tell him the trains were stolen?

443. He's not gonna believe a preposterous lie like that.

444. Wait a minute. What's Nadja doing here?

445. Well, here we are.

446. You can see for yourself how active and alive and real it is.

447. Ah, my darling. What a pleasant surprise. Who are your guests?

448. Uh, us business banker types are very interested in

449. the Staten Island Southwestern Railway with a view to purchase.

450. Am I right, my guys?

451. I'm so sorry. Is this a joke?

452. - What are you even pointing at? - What?

453. There's nothing even on this paper.

454. And on the other side it just says train over and over again. You see that?

455. This computer is fake. It's made of plastic.

456. Is this a fucking prank or something? Is this a prank show?

457. - Are you fucking with us? - 'Cause that would be funny.

458. No, no. No. This is actually a tremendous, good business deal.

459. Very ruthless stuff.

460. And we're gonna be drunk on gold.

461. It's all right, my darling. They've sussed it.

462. The office is bullshit.

463. It was done just for the benefit of my friend, Sean.

464. - Well, that explains it. - Sean.

465. Yeah, and who the fuck is Sean?

466. Sean is my best friend. He means everything to me.

467. So you brought us to Staten Island for some straight bullshit?

468. Pretty much, yeah. And it'd be great

469. if you fellas just played along.

470. - He's a nice guy. - Yeah, I don't think so.

471. This is fucking mental.

472. - Jordan is gonna be so pissed. - I don't care about Jordan!

473. My husband spent $3,000 on this place.

474. It was actually $3,500.

475. Hold up.

476. - This whole floor went for 35 hundo? - Only for the month.

477. Shit. That's way below market value, even in Staten Island.

478. - Got eyes on that market, guys. - That's good.

479. - That's crazy. - They're probably part of a family trust

480. where they all hate each other and wanna cash out.

481. This is a family in crisis. Let's go.

482. Yes. Fuck yeah. Yes. Yes.

483. Even though there was no railroad, the real estate was very "undervalued."

484. Yeah. Plus, that real estate girl I've been fucking,

485. she told me Staten Island, it's the new Bushwick.

486. Yes!

487. I may not know what any of that means, but it makes no difference.

488. I still made it happen.

489. Good work. Let's go, Magda.

490. You might've just saved your job. Yeah.

491. My darling wife Nadja not only proved her mettle with the financiers,

492. but she also solved the Sean dilemma.

493. He got a job at the railroad.

494. - Come and take a walk with me. - Yeah.

495. The railroad went under as railroads often do.

496. - Are you fucking kidding me? - Beyond my control.

497. I'm taking my train, which my grandpa gave me.

498. This place doesn't deserve me. I'm leaving.

499. So do me a favor. When you're putting those decks together,

500. I just want you to double check

501. to make sure all the valuation spreads are...

502. What the fuck, dude?

503. I thought I told you to fire that weird janitor.

504. - Yeah. No. I know, but— - I don't wanna hear it, okay?

505. Just get it done.

506. I don't wanna fire Nandor.

507. But it's like Jordan said, it's about being the right fit.

508. Fuck.

509. And maybe that's what we were. Or weren't.

510. Nandor couldn't make me a vampire, and I can't make him a janitor.

511. Okay. This is why they pay you the money.

512. Nandor, hey. Busy?

513. Um, just doing some light cleaning.

514. Please, take a seat.

515. Great.

516. It feels good to take some weight off the old tootsies.

517. - Yeah. A break is good. - What is cracking?

518. - You know. Same old, same old. - Mmm.

519. You know, I noticed that Jordan is starting to show a real special confidence

520. in you, Guillermo, and he's wise to do so.

521. - Thank you. - I mean it.

522. I think you will do very well here.

523. - I think so too. Which is why— - I'm proud of you.

524. Okay. You know, there's no easy way of saying this, so I'm just gonna say it.

525. Say what?

526. That we, as a company, need to downsize.

527. Downsize. What is downsize?

528. - Sounds exciting. - Nah.

529. It's when you have to let people go.

530. It's not Jimmy, is it?

531. No, it's not Jimmy.

532. Whew. Jimmy is my number one bro.

533. No, I'm telling you because you're the one that we have to let go.

534. You're firing me?

535. Yes, but if you think about it,

536. it's the best thing that could ever happen to you.

537. I just want you to know that it was not my decision.

538. It's fine. I'll just, um...

539. I'm so sorry.

540. Good luck, Guillermo.

541. Good luck, Nandor.

542. Excuse me.

543. You know what, I'm great. It's been a positive experience.

544. Guillermo, he's like a baby bird,

545. like a little falcon looking for his first bit of prey.

546. He has to prove himself.

547. So, no, I am in no way, shape or form humiliated by the fact that I have

548. just been fired by my own... by my former...

549. You know what? I...

550. Yes.

551. Excuse me.

552. Please.

553. I said please!

554. I'll always treasure my brief time at the railroad.

555. There you go.

556. I came away from it knowing that I got value.

557. Fuck, fuck.

558. Sean Rinaldi is a hot commodity.

559. Wish me luck.

560. You know which way to the Sean Rinaldi interview?

561. I mean, I'm still seeking similar VP positions in the transportation sector,

562. but till one of those comes along,

563. I'm gonna keep my hand in right here at TaskRabbit.

564. 'Cause this guy is gonna be okay.