1. TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.
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2. Now I am a woman
of the workforce,
I crave the weekends.
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3. It's just a chance to relax
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4. away from Cannon Capital's
meetings and memorandums
and electronic mails.
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5. What is all this shit?
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6. Laszlo!
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7. My darling.
Do both these eyes
look hazel to you?
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8. I think it's important
my monster has a matching set.
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9. You have turned our home
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10. into Jack the Ripper's
recycle bin.
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11. I thought you had finished
creating your freaky monster
sex doll man.
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12. My darling, if I am to maintain
my freaky sex doll monster man,
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13. as you inaccurately call him,
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14. it's important
I have an adequate supply
of spare body parts.
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15. But what are these?
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16. Uh, they're hearts.
They're livers.
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17. They're spleens.
They're kidneys.
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18. That's a cat's arsehole.
I've no idea what that is.
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19. Whatever. Just get them gone.
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20. Mmm. All right.
- Come on, chop-chop.
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21. There's no room in this house
for all the things I need
to get done.
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22. It's fine.
I'll pick those up later.
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23. I have had enough.
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24. There are too many
useless ball sacks
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25. lying around the house
with you and Nandor.
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26. We cannot deal
with all this extra shit.
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27. My darling,
I have everything under control.
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28. - Oh, do you?
Absolutely.
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29. - Then what are those?
- Feet.
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30. Perhaps Laszlo was trying
to tell you the game is afoot.
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31. Shut up, Guillermo.
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32. Nandor, does it not concern you
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33. that you are sat
on top of a bag of noses?
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34. I
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35. I thought it was a cushion.
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36. I fell in the bloody pile
of torsos again.
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37. - Oh, no! No, no, no!
Ugh. Pick me up.
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38. - Laszlo! I mean it!
Oh, get it off me.
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39. Just find a place
to store all of this human crap.
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40. All right, my darling.
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41. But where do you suggest?
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42. The small space under the stairs
where Guillermo used to live.
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43. We never figured out
what to do with it
since he moved into the shed.
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44. Actually, that space
has already been occupied.
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45. What the shit gives you
the right to take over
that space, Nandor?
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46. Guillermo was my familiar.
And B: I have already done it.
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47. And so it begins.
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48. First, Nandor unilaterally gives
my garden shed to Gizmo.
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49. A shed I lovingly converted
into a temple of self-worship
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50. or some might call it
a "Jack Shack."
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51. No. This has to end now.
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52. Otherwise, Nandor will
take over the house entirely.
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53. A slope slippier
than a whore's saddle. Mmm.
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54. If you had wanted
the space under the stairs,
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55. you would have taken
the space under the stairs.
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56. Yeah, well, I do want the space
under the stairs.
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57. And I intend to take the space
under the stairs. For all my
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58. To keep the body parts
in order.
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59. Yes.
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60. Hey.
Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.
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61. I just want to let you know
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62. that you guys
are out of hot water.
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63. Hold your horses, Noeël Coward.
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64. You can tell your ex-boss
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65. that this house
is not a dictatorship.
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66. Yes.
- No, I don't wanna get involved.
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67. You guys figure it out, okay?
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68. And how do you propose
we do that?
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69. I don't know. Take a vote.
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70. Good idea, Guillermo.
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71. Hey, everyone,
let's have a vote.
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72. Okay, I'm gonna go.
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73. Nandor, that is a great idea.
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74. - Uh
- Let's take a vote.
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75. All those in favor
of giving Laszlo dominion
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76. over Guillermo's old space
under the stairs
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77. to use as a storage facility
for his bodily parts.
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78. Yes, and all my sex stuff.
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79. And maybe some wanking.
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80. Okay, raise hand.
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81. And all those in favor
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82. of it remaining
the sovereign territory
of Nandor
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83. for his exclusive use
as a home gymnasium,
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84. which only Nandor can use,
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85. raise your hands.
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86. - No.
- It is settled.
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87. Two to one. Ha!
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88. Bad luck, Blackadder.
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89. I demand a recount.
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90. Sorry, the people have spoken.
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91. Don't tarnish your legacy,
Nandor.
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92. Hear me out. Nadja.
A gym only I can use,
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93. - hmm?
- Fuck off.
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94. Laszlo, still thinking about it?
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95. No, not even a little.
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96. Yes, don't be a little bitch,
Nandor.
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97. What can I say? I lost.
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98. Another time, I would
just seize the territory,
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99. but I grow weary of the fight.
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100. Perhaps it is time
for this old cowboy
to just hang up his spurs
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101. and go fuck himself
right up the pooper.
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102. - Okay, fine.
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103. I shall clear out my StairMaster
and booty bands by tomorrow.
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104. Good.
And also, give Laszlo his
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105. This is not good.
Not good at all.
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106. So I regularly use
our network of vents
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107. to gather intel on my housemates
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108. and I've recently uncovered
a troubling development.
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109. Well, it's finally happening.
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110. I'm being
forced out of the house.
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111. Over the years,
I've kept extensive records
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112. detailing the power rankings
within the house.
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113. Who's hot, who's not.
Who's chic, who's weak.
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114. Who's fly, who's shy.
Who's ballin', who's stallin'.
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115. Up here, you have Nandor,
then Nadja, then Laszlo.
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116. And down here, Guillermo,
until recently.
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117. And over here, is your baby boy,
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118. Colin Robinson,
who is going down.
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119. I've been able
to hold on to my place
in the house
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120. due to a delicate dance.
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121. Not unlike Henry Kissinger's
triangular diplomacy.
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122. Nadja and Laszlo represent
one stalwart alliance.
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123. Nandor and Guillermo the other.
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124. My lone wolf status afforded me
a position of power.
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125. A tiebreaker.
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126. The Harold Prince
to their Stephen Sondheim
and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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127. But the power dynamics
have now shifted.
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128. Now that Guillermo
has left the house,
Nandor is a broken man.
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129. And I fear
it's just a matter of time
before he goes over
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130. to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance
for good
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131. and they decide to kill me
and quarter my body
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132. to share as sick souvenirs
amongst themselves.
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133. Or worse,
I have to go apartment hunting.
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134. Come on. You know you want to.
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135. - I'm not moving back
into the house.
Fine.
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136. - But will you at least talk
to Nandor?
- I don't think me talking to him
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137. is gonna make a difference.
He's not gonna listen
to me either.
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138. - Well, you didn't let me finish.
- Sorry.
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139. Uh, what I was saying
before you cut me off
and didn't let me finish was,
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140. - maybe if you were
to talk to Nandor
- Mm-hmm.
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141. I could walk by or something
and he'd see me
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142. and he'd be like,
"Oh, there's Colin Robinson.
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143. I should really form an alliance
with him."
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144. You know, to get out
of having to talk to you.
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145. Okay. Good night.
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146. - I appreciate you
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147. playing my favorite song
to cut the tension,
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148. but I don't think
it's gonna help me
solve this problem.
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149. Doesn't hurt though.
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150. Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor,
don't talk to Nandor.
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151. I don't care, all right?
Just leave me out of it.
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152. - Hypnotize him for all I care.
- Oh. That's ridiculous.
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153. Everyone knows
you can't hypnotize a vampire.
They always have their guard up.
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154. Well, then hypnotize him
when he's asleep.
Like I'm trying to be.
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155. Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
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156. Can you do that
somewhere else, please?
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157. Well, I-I-I like
the ambient noise.
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158. Oh. Let's take it again.
Uh, three, two
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159. Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
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160. - I have to find out.
Colin.
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161. Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.
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162. What's up?
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163. Hear me now
and believe me later.
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164. You are a fierce warrior.
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165. I am a fierce warrior.
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166. You must stand your ground.
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167. Stand my ground.
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168. Your only ally
is Colin Robinson.
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169. Are you sure?
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170. Yes, you love Colin Robinson.
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171. That sounds wrong, but okay.
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172. All right.
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173. Laszlo, is that chair
totally necessary?
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174. It's taking up a lot of room.
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175. Well, how else
can I sit and review
my stored items of science?
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176. Is that a box of pornography
in front of you?
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177. No, anatomical textbooks.
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178. The collective works
of Doctors Flynt and Guccione.
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179. - Hey.
Have either of you seen Nandor?
- Oh. He's probably oversleeping.
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180. Without his home gym room,
he has very little to live for.
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181. Cool, cool, coolio.
I'm just gonna go for a walk.
Just a normal walk.
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182. Okay.
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183. I know what you're
going to do with that chair.
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184. You're going to sit in it
and stroke yourself,
reading your filth.
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185. Perhaps I will.
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186. I'm sorry, my darling.
Would you like a hand?
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187. Yes, I'd actually love one.
Well, take your pick.
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188. We've got a bunch of them.
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189. Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m.
Time to rise and oh!
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190. Colin Robinson.
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191. Some of them
are just too long
to fit in as one piece.
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192. That's what my gran said.
Ugh.
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193. I am back from my walk.
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194. - Who fucking cares?
- Give a fuck.
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195. I saw Nandor out in the hallway.
He'll be in in a sec.
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196. Uh-huh.
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197. What the hell?
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198. What the dick is he saying?
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199. Oh. Hold on.
I have a translation app here.
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200. I have conquered
officially the room
beneath the stairs
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201. - in the name of Al Quolanudar.
- No one's conquered anything.
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202. What the fuck
is he talking about?
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203. And I could not have conquered
the room beneath the stairs
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204. without Colin Robinson,
my primary ally
within this fortress.
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205. We take what we wish,
and defend it unto death.
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206. Oh.
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207. You heard what he said,
ding-dongs.
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208. This is our house now,
and if you don't like it,
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209. you can eat my ass.
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210. Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.
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211. It is plain to see,
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212. something very strange
is going on with Nandor.
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213. He's being competent
and assertive.
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214. Much different
to the soaking-wet simp
we are used to.
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215. I'm not gonna stand around
while these two tits
bugger about.
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216. I do important science in there
three times a day.
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217. - Nandor,
get the fuck out of there.
No, thank you.
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218. - You heard the lady. Fuck off.
- Wow.
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219. - Oh, good!
Look who just sashayed in.
- "Shasay" away.
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220. No, no, no. We're facing
a bit of a contretemps.
We need your help.
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221. Why don't you just
all share the room?
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222. My husband needs it
for his body parts!
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223. We had a fucking vote on it,
you idiot.
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224. Quiet.
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225. I have a fair
and equitable solution
to propose.
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226. Okay, then.
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227. Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.
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228. Mmm.
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229. Yeah.
So he set the house on fire.
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230. Turns out
his equitable solution was,
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231. "if I can't have
Guillermo's room,
then no one can have it."
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232. Or something like that.
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233. It's hard to tell
because he also
set my phone on fire.
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234. Boy, did we mess up.
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235. We? No, there's no "we."
This is all you.
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236. Who convinced me
to sleep-hypnotize him? You.
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237. What? I didn't do, oh.
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238. - Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe.
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239. Why don't you
sleep-hypnotize him
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240. to go back to the way
that he was before?
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241. Yeah, I want to,
but my phone melted.
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242. - Well, then get a new phone.
Oh, my God.
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243. That's not good.
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244. I would get a new phone,
but I kind of wanna wait
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245. until the new one's released
next year.
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246. I mean, there's nothing worse
than updating your devices
in the off-cycle.
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247. Apple seems to be
on an autumn release time frame.
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248. Okay. You know what?
How about this?
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249. We use my translation app.
And then after that, I'm out.
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250. Okay. Type in, "You will return
to yourself as you were before."
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251. - Great.
- Okay.
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252. That should get him
back to normal.
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253. Time to go
to bed, buddy. Come on.
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254. And after this,
no more sleep hypnosis!
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255. Let's hit the hay, buddy.
Copy !req
256. Sleep hypnosis?
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257. Is such a thing even possible?
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258. When you awake,
you will be much tidier.
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259. Tidier.
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260. Neater and cleaner.
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261. You will not be able
to tolerate a single mess.
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262. Neater. Tidier.
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263. Everything in its right place.
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264. I love you, Mommy.
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265. Oh.
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266. Whoa.
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267. Very good, my love.
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268. Oh, Marmaduke.
You are something else.
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269. You know,
they don't live as long,
the-the bigger dogs.
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270. Oh.
- Hey, man. I was reading that.
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271. Well. Not now, you're not.
I'll have to iron it now.
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272. What is your major malfunction?
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273. FMJ, 1987.
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274. - Bloody savage.
- Sheesh.
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275. We shall never be belligerent.
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276. But we shall be as firm
in defending our system
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277. as they are in expanding theirs.
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278. I think we can all agree
that is very well-spoken.
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279. That sounds
kind of like a threat to me.
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280. This is not a threat,
this is a statement of policy.
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281. But we are done arguing
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282. over the shitty little room
under the stairs, correct?
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283. I have never been a quitter.
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284. "But as president,
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285. I must put the interests
of America first."
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286. What the fuck
is he talking about?
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287. "Nobody will ever write a book,
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288. probably about my mother."
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289. So, yes,
I sleep-hypnotized Nandor
again last night.
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290. Just to get him back to normal.
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291. I will return to myself
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292. And while
I was messing around in there,
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293. I thought,
why not improve on the original?
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294. - Basically, just like this guy.
- This guy.
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295. Charismatic.
A student of Realpolitik.
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296. Nobody will ever write a book,
probably about my mother.
Copy !req
297. But, yeah, I think I may have
sleep-hypnotized Nandor
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298. into Richard Nixon.
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299. For 16 years,
since the Hiss case,
you've had a lot of fun.
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300. A lot of fun. You've had
an opportunity to attack me.
Copy !req
301. And I'd like to think I've given
as good as I've taken.
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302. - Colin Robinson.
- Hmm?
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303. Have you done something
to Nandor's brain somehow?
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304. No. No, I don't think I did.
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305. Hmm.
- Nandor, listen to me.
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306. Has Colin Robinson
done something to your head?
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307. People have got to know
whether their president
is a crook.
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308. Well, I'm not a crook.
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309. No, no, don't come in.
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310. Whatever it is, I don't care.
Copy !req
311. - Are you okay?
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312. - Do you wanna talk about it?
Come on.
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313. - Okay. What is it?
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314. - "You know what it was."
- What?
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315. "It was a little
Cocker Spaniel dog
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316. in a crate he sent
all the way from Texas.
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317. Black and white, spotted.
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318. And our little one, Trisha,
the six-year-old.
Copy !req
319. She named it Checkers."
Copy !req
320. Wait, isn't this,
like, a Richard Nixon speech?
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321. "Our kids, they love that dog,
and I just want to say this.
Copy !req
322. Right now, regardless
of what they say about it,
we're gonna keep it."
Copy !req
323. Did Colin Robinson
sleep-hypnotize you
Copy !req
324. so you're only able to speak
like Richard Nixon?
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325. I will not put the blame
on subordinates.
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326. I'll take that as a yes.
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327. Would you like me
to help undo it?
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328. Sock it to me.
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329. And you'll go back
to the Nandor from before.
Copy !req
330. Just a regular vampire.
Copy !req
331. What is this?
Copy !req
332. Sleep hypnosis?
Is such a thing even possible.
Copy !req
333. Your camera's filthy.
Copy !req
334. Packages.
I hope it's my electric kettle.
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335. No. Here we go.
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336. No. It's, uh, all addressed
to Laszlo Cravensworth.
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337. It's weird.
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338. I wonder how he even figured out
how to use Prime.
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339. What, uh
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340. Ah.
Copy !req
341. What's going on here?
Copy !req
342. My parcels from the Amazon.
Thank you for ordering,
Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
343. Lord Laszlo's wish
is my command.
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344. All hail Lord Laszlo.
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345. Solvents and sponges
for everyone.
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346. May I just say
you look fabulous, Baron.
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347. Flatterer.
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348. You know, but it turns out
that these little scallywags
Copy !req
349. do more than just
keep me young in spirit.
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350. They also secrete
a wonderful healing cream.
Copy !req
351. Look, I'm almost back to normal.
Copy !req
352. The Sire extracts milk from them
every evening.
Copy !req
353. So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
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354. Apparently, yes.
Copy !req
355. I kid you. Everybody knows
about sleep hypnosis.
Copy !req
356. Do you think
you could hypnotize them back?
Copy !req
357. Can I, the supreme
all-powerful vampire,
hypnotize them?
Copy !req
358. - Obviously.
- Okay.
Copy !req
359. Why don't you hand me
your very smart telephone
Copy !req
360. and I can record my hypnosis.
You can play it for them later.
Copy !req
361. But do not listen
lest you become
hypnotized yourself.
Copy !req
362. How about noise canceling?
Copy !req
363. Ah. Now I'll do the recording,
if you put on
your ear buddy phones.
Copy !req
364. Okay.
Copy !req
365. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
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366. Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally
in these things.
Copy !req
367. Okay.
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368. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
Copy !req
369. - You like it? Yeah, okay. Great.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
370. Okay.
So now I will do the recording.
Copy !req
371. - Oh. Okay.
Copy !req
372. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
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373. and everything ye have known.
Copy !req
374. Okay.
Let me listen to that back.
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375. I always sound so nasally
in these things.
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376. Uh-huh.
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377. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
Copy !req
378. - Great.
I'll just take the phone back.
- Not-Not so fast.
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379. I still need
to do the recording.
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380. Oh. I see what's going on here.
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381. Be quiet.
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382. Come on.
Copy !req
383. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
Copy !req
384. Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
Copy !req
385. Hmm.
Copy !req
386. - Good. You guys are finally up.
- Up with the lark.
Copy !req
387. That was the best sleep
I've had in ages.
Copy !req
388. Indeed, good sir.
Copy !req
389. Nandor the Relentless,
by the way.
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390. I don't believe
I caught your name.
Copy !req
391. Leslie Cravensworth.
You may call me
Mr. Cravensworth.
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392. Mister Cravensworth.
Copy !req
393. And who's that?
I have no idea.
Copy !req
394. So, it seems that, uh,
The Baron's hypnosis
Copy !req
395. not only made them forget
about their hypnoses
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396. Relentless, you say?
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397. - Yes.
- Must be my lucky day.
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398. but it also made them forget
that they had
ever met each other
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399. because, of course it did.
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400. Nadja of Antipaxos.
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401. Mmm.
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402. Nice to meet you. Nadja.
- I say. Hello.
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403. Hello. I'm Colin Robinson.
Who-Who are you, boners?
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404. I say. Hello.
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405. Yeah, I think I'm gonna like
living here just fine.
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406. Apart from the fact
that I'm disoriented,
slightly afraid
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407. and don't know who you are.
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408. Nice little nest
we've got here, huh?
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409. Oh, yes.
Look at this chandelier.
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410. - Surely could hold a sex net.
- Sex net.
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411. Check out
this little space back here.
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412. Oh, yes.
Look at this nice little space.
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413. Perfect for a place to hang out.
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414. Now we're talking.
- I was thinking the same thing.
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415. I mean, it's a bit small.
It would only really be good
for a solo pursuit.
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416. If I may be so bold, I think
I would like to set up shop here
if that is okay.
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417. Sorry.
But no, you may not be so bold
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418. because I myself was hoping
to set up shop just here, so—
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419. Well,
if I might be bolder still.
I'd like to wank there.
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420. See, I was thinking
of just having an area
that I could stand in.
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421. Well.
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422. So who the fuck is gonna get
that space under the stairs?
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423. - Me. I am.
- I guess you do your wanking
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424. I should have a safe space.
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425. Hello, everyone.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
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426. I need to tell you something.
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427. I just want
to say sorry that I haven't
been around lately.
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428. But I have been working closely
with your old roommate
Jerry the Vampire
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429. on his big, fantastic plan
to conquer all of North America.
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430. - Who?
- Come on.
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431. You know Jerry the Vampire,
your old roommate.
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432. Super slumber guy, tall.
He's got a round face.
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433. I don't know
who is who or what is what.
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434. But I am loving
this ditzy blonde.
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435. - Sleep hypnosis.
- Hypnosis.
I was trying to tell you.
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436. Oh, yes.
Sleep hypnosis
is a very real thing.
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437. I learned that my first week
of Vampire Council
sleepaway camp.
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438. Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.
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439. Enchanted. Have we met before?
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440. If we had, I'm sure
I would have remembered.
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441. Anyways,
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442. it is quite easy to undo.
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443. You have never
been sleep hypnotized.
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444. Neither of you have ever
been sleep hypnotized.
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445. Never, ever. Hush, little baby.
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446. Done. Done. Done.
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447. I just had the strangest dream.
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448. You were there, Laszlo.
And you were there, Nandor.
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449. But we didn't know each other.
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450. - Oh. Was I there?
- No.
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451. Knock, knock. Sorry,
I was knocking for a while
and just let myself in.
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452. Guillermo de La Cruz.
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453. - We know.
- No shit, Geronimo.
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454. Oh, good.
You saw my resume.
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455. I'm here for an interview
with Nandor.
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456. I saw the ad on Craigslist.
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457. Half-bed, no bath,
light housework required.
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458. I think I can handle that.
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459. So apparently, Guillermo
likes to listen to podcasts
while he falls asleep.
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460. Unfortunately for him,
he must've listened
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461. to the Baron's hypnosis message
on loop,
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462. over and over again,
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463. instead of his usual
Real Housewives
from bumfuck wherever recap.
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464. Oh.
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465. - Guillermo, is it?
- Yes.
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466. Nice to meet you.
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467. I am Nandor. Shall we?
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468. - Hi.
Good luck.
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469. And at Panera Bread,
I was responsible for closing
and opening of the shop.
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470. - Impressive.
- Thank you.
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471. I was wondering
if I could ask you something.
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472. Sure.
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473. You guys are
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474. - You know.
- What?
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475. You guys are vampires, right?
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476. Yes.
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477. I knew it. That is so awesome.
I had a feeling. Just
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478. I didn't even see your fangs
until now.
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479. That is so cool.
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480. I know you couldn't put that
in the ad, obviously.
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481. - Well, yeah.
- I was just I
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482. I've always fantasized
about being one.
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483. - A vampire, that is.
- Mmm.
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484. When I was little,
I begged my mom for a cape.
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485. She didn't have
the money for it,
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486. but somehow
she found a way of making one.
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487. And I put that cape on,
and I just fantasized
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488. about what it would be like
to fly all over the world.
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489. No one picking on you.
Live forever.
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490. I was a pretty shy kid,
so I didn't have
a lot of friends.
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491. I'm sure
you can understand that.
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492. Not really.
I was rich and a jock.
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493. Yeah. That makes sense.
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494. But I can imagine.
It must have
been very, um, hard.
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495. It's okay.
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496. I don't wanna jump the gun here,
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497. but I would love
to be your familiar.
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498. - But I do wanna ask.
- Mmm.
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499. If I
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500. Or your familiar—
Whoever you choose.
It's your choice
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501. Sure.
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502. - did a really great job
- Mmm.
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503. and did everything
you ever asked of them,
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504. - would you ever—
- Make you a vampire?
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505. Yes.
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506. I must confess,
I am a little tempted
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507. to keep Guillermo as he was
the very first time
he came to me.
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508. I will dehypnotize him
later tonight.
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509. But, for now, I will let him
have one last sleep
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510. in his little room
under the stairs.
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511. I forgot how loudly he breathes.
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512. So in the end,
we figured out
the best solution.
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513. Share the room.
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514. Share the room.
- Share the room.
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