What We Do in the Shadows 6x2

1. To create new life from dead human parts.

2. The brass ring of all scientific pursuits.

3. I first tried building a man to take my place

4. when I was drafted in to fight your American Civil War.

5. Thing is, I ended up going there myself. Had a fantastic time.

6. Good food, good fellowship.

7. I restarted the project several times over the years.

8. When I took up judo,

9. when my band needed a drummer, and during the piggyback craze of the 1980s.

10. But I never damn well finished it.

11. Always set my sights just too high.

12. But if repetition is the father of progress,

13. then call me Big Papa.

14. So technically that does rhyme with orange.

15. Ugh. Good gravy. What smells so bad in here, and can I please have some?

16. No, you may not.

17. This is a proprietary amniotic bath of my own invention for my new man.

18. I intend to reanimate once dead human flesh into my own modern Prometheus.

19. Like, uh, Dr. Frankenstein.

20. I don't know who that is.

21. Dr. Frankenstein from the book and the countless movies.

22. No, I've never heard of him. What I'm doing is completely original.

23. I shall call him Cravensworth's Monster, and he shall be our new familiar.

24. Well, you know I love a weekend build. I can go get my Phillips-head.

25. Fantastic. As you can see, all my heads are fucked.

26. If you can persuade your friend Phillip to part with his, then we're in business.

27. I start a new job today.

28. Kind of a funny story, actually.

29. I'll make this quick, 'cause I'm running late.

30. So, I'm at Panera Bread.

31. I get this call from this guy named Rob. He's over at Cannon Capital.

32. Now, he's yelling profanity.

33. A lot of bad words about his order that we got wrong.

34. I'm so sorry. Sam!

35. He's, like, a regular. He always gets the same thing.

36. The Napa Almond Chicken sammie.

37. Sorry about the yelling.

38. He got the Green Goddess, which are different sandwiches.

39. If you know, you know.

40. So I offer to correct it and bring it down here myself.

41. I meet Lamar in the lobby, he's from the mail room,

42. and we start chatting and he asked me if I graduated high school.

43. And I say, "Yeah." And he says, "How much do you make at Panera?"

44. And I tell him and he says, "How'd you like to make $3 more an hour?"

45. And I say, "What?"

46. And, well, fairy-tale ending, I'm a finance guy now.

47. I mean, it's only the mail room, but still.

48. It's a start.

49. No. No, no, you can't come in with me. This is like a job-job, like, a real job.

50. I'll just see you back home.

51. Telephone!

52. Colin Robinson, come over here. We have progress I need you to observe.

53. How do you do, sir?

54. - Shit!

55. Observe with your eyes, not your hands, Colin Robinson.

56. - It's fine, I'll get it. - I'll leave you to it.

57. Hello? No, Guillermo does not live here anymore. He lives in the shed.

58. Oh, you are Guillermo. Guillermo, now is not a good time.

59. Laszlo's new jack-off machine has malfunctioned.

60. It's not a jack-off machine.

61. Why don't you call back in a week? Thank you.

62. Ugh! Who is cooking meat pies?

63. - Oh. Of course. A jack-off machine. - Yes.

64. - It's not a jack-off machine. - It could be.

65. Why would I make myself another jack-off machine

66. when I have a perfectly good one I built 100 years ago?

67. Anyway, my darling, I haven't got time to sit here and shoot the shit with you.

68. Colin Robinson and I are very busy.

69. Well, I don't want to be here anyway. It stinks.

70. Ah! Hold that lift.

71. Keep up the good work, Jacob.

72. Colin Robinson, I need you to check the electric current.

73. Uh, how do you want me to do that?

74. Put your finger in the tank.

75. Do not put your whole hand in there. Just your finger.

76. Okay.

77. Ha! Fantastic.

78. Hey, I just wanna let you know I'm borrowing your iron

79. 'cause I wanna look sharp for work tomorrow.

80. For my new job.

81. - You are not at Panera? - No.

82. Cannon Capital Strategies. We're a smallish private equity firm.

83. It's pretty complicated stuff.

84. And your job there is collecting irons?

85. No, I'm gonna go iron, then I'm gonna go to bed because I don't have time for this.

86. Nandor, Guillermo has a big-time, big boy, big-dick job.

87. I do not like this at all.

88. He will be amongst his own kind. He'll be fine.

89. No, Nandor, he won't. He has been here for 15 years with the easy ride from us.

90. And now, when the pressure gets too much for him, who is he going to blame?

91. Us, for casting him out of paradise.

92. A couple of years back,

93. I heard about a familiar in Queens, retired from the old vampire game.

94. - Hmm. - Got herself a studio apartment.

95. She could not handle the shock of returning to the regular human world.

96. Two months later, she comes back, kills all of the vampires in her old house.

97. - Guillermo's gonna kill us all.

98. Good golly, you'd think a so-called man of science

99. would have a better way of checking for an electrical short.

100. Colin Robinson!

101. Well, back to the grindstone. Coming! Coming!

102. Superstructure is sound, bones are good,

103. and the nerves are literally made of steel.

104. Yeah, but what about the head? You kinda need a head.

105. - Goggles. - Okay.

106. Don't you worry about the head, me old fruit. I've got a perfect one.

107. Our mule shall have the visage of a prince.

108. - Oh, Rock Hudson. - Rock Hudson, is that his name?

109. - Yeah. - Rock Hard-son, more like.

110. That'd be great. Problem is, uh, he's dead. Been dead for years.

111. - Really? Yeah.

112. Do you know if someone had the foresight to have preserved his head?

113. - I doubt it. - Barbarians.

114. That puts us on the back foot. We need a hot head.

115. Yeah, from a cool dude.

116. He doesn't have to be cool. The head is purely decorative.

117. Now, what's the most expedient way of examining a wide variety of heads

118. before selecting one for removal and transplant?

119. I'm actually certified for all the rideshare services.

120. I mean, you talk about a quick and easy energy drain. This is the job.

121. And you swear this is the best way to find a usable human head?

122. Mmm. There he is. I like his smile.

123. - Hi. For Doug? - You got it.

124. - Hop in. - Oh, man.

125. Oh, I-I didn't order a-a group ride.

126. I don't love his ears.

127. All right. You heard the fella. Hit the bricks, Doug.

128. - What? - Fuck the fuck off.

129. Get away from the car.

130. I do have feelings, believe it or not. I-I get lonely.

131. Would you say you're kind of an emotional guy?

132. Hey.

133. The problem with making new friends is that 99% of people are insipid cretins.

134. Hi. For Cecil?

135. What the fuck's in his mouth?

136. - Adult braces. - No.

137. Seriously?

138. But if I could literally make a new friend from scratch...

139. Do you cry at Good Will Hunting

140. Hmm, no.

141. Okay. Get the fuck out.

142. How do you like them apples?

143. Call me a softy, but that's what I'm looking for

144. in a head that's gonna be severed off and attached

145. to a body made up of cadaver parts.

146. Your pack.

147. Good sir.

148. Nancy. How did you get in here? This is a place of business.

149. You're gonna get me fired. Get out.

150. Hey, team. Will you bring it in for a sec here?

151. You may have noticed, uh, some cameras roaming around.

152. I'd like everybody to ignore them.

153. These guys are making a documentary about innovations in global finance,

154. and guess who makes the perfect subject?

155. Say it with me.

156. Cannon Capital Strategies.

157. So, please, at least try to look like you're busy, okay?

158. - I'm looking at you, Jimmy.

159. One of the most interesting things about Cannon Capital is,

160. even though we're located here in Manhattan,

161. we're best known for our work in China and Japan and South Korea.

162. And so to do business in those time zones, we have to work nights...

163. which makes for some pretty weird hours.

164. Uh, but if you wanna compete in the Asia markets,

165. you've got to work Asia hours, and we do.

166. That sounds fun.

167. Yeah. And it's not just the music. Latin jazz has a whole culture.

168. The musicians, they always greet each other with hugs

169. and sometimes they come hug the audience members.

170. There's no such thing as an Irish goodbye at a Latin jazz club.

171. - Pull over.

172. Yeah, he's friendly.

173. I'd say he's a tasty bit of eye candy.

174. I like that he's outgoing and easy to talk to.

175. It doesn't matter about that. He's just a donkey.

176. - Well. - I'm not wild about his infatuation

177. with Latin jazz, but I can find that area of the brain and just eliminate it.

178. - How do you do that? - Just get an ice pick and wiggle it about.

179. Hmm.

180. Let's get home. Hello.

181. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, can I have a word?

182. Did you fix the flat?

183. Well, Bill, it's a good-news, bad-news situation.

184. The good news is, you don't have to pay for the ride.

185. Okay. What's the bad news?

186. Oh, hey. Uh, I can actually take Jordan's mail.

187. - Oh, okay. - I'm his assistant, Wendy.

188. Oh, hey, Wendy. I'm Guillermo.

189. - Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

190. - You know, I started in the mail room too. - Oh, really?

191. Guillermo must excel at this new job

192. because if it doesn't go as smoothly as he hopes,

193. that little bouncing bitch will blame us for his failings,

194. and then he will kill us.

195. After that, it was just knowing what Jordan wants

196. before he knows what he wants, so...

197. Wow, that's pretty good advice.

198. Someone needed to take action,

199. and that someone, as usual, is me.

200. I was kind of an assistant myself for a little bit.

201. I mean, not for a little bit. For a while. But, you know, it's always weird to like...

202. Wow, she is quick.

203. Also, I needed a new project.

204. And now I get to try out my regular human behavior.

205. Since switching to medium roast, I'm sleepin' so much better.

206. Uncanny!

207. Wendy took off again.

208. So, it would be great if I could get you to hop on to Jordan's desk.

209. Wow. Really?

210. So, it turns out that the finance world is a lot easier than Panera Bread.

211. I guess the powers that be heard that I was absolutely crushing it...

212. in the mail room, and now I'm an assistant.

213. Since the time of the great philosophers,

214. man has dreamed of bringing life to a lifeless vessel.

215. - Spitting in the face of his creator... Mm-hmm.

216. - ... thus becoming a creator himself. Mm-hmm.

217. Which brings me to alchemy.

218. Yeah, yeah. Just flip the switch.

219. Here. Oh.

220. He's just a little excited.

221. Pain too much. Kill me.

222. Flip the switch!

223. Don't be hasty. Let's hear him out.

224. Flip the fucking switch, Colin Robinson!

225. Huh? I... It's hard to hear with everything going.

226. - Do you want me to flip the...

227. Yeah!

228. Oh.

229. Sorry, I couldn't... I just couldn't hear.

230. That was amazing. Moving around and everything.

231. Now I remember why I've abandoned this project.

232. The sudden jolt of total consciousness is too much,

233. even for the dullest of brutes.

234. And the creature's response to such a sensory overload is violence.

235. Pity.

236. W-What are you... No, Laszlo, don't.

237. This is not a conversation, Colin Robinson.

238. This creature will destroy us, so we must destroy it first.

239. Sometimes a scientist must admit defeat. Them's are the breaks.

240. Uh, what else? We got Adrian Bellamy from the Essex Fund coming in later today.

241. You ready to reel in that whale, Ryan?

242. - You know it, baby. - You set 'em up, I knock 'em down.

243. Here's the deal with Bellamy. He's very particular.

244. Copy. - I want everybody in this room

245. to be on their A game.

246. - Of course. - Yeah.

247. If we do not want Guillermo to crack,

248. then his progress in the human world must be monitored.

249. So someone needed to take action.

250. And as usual, that someone is me.

251. So, let's just show him a lot of attention.

252. You got it.

253. I have to... I have to go. Sorry. Excuse me.

254. Doesn't matter.

255. Nandor, what the hell are you doing here?

256. I am patrolling for spills. Such is my janitorial duty.

257. This is my life and my job. You can't be here.

258. But I am an employee of Cannon Capital now, which makes us coworkers.

259. Excuse me.

260. You know, the only time I set the bar as low as you, Gary,

261. is for limbo.

262. - You kill me.

263. Mmm. Mama's go-go juice.

264. Nadja?

265. - Oh, shit. - You're here too.

266. Someone needed to keep a close eye on you.

267. Yes, that was my thinking also.

268. What a merry mix-up.

269. Spill o'clock. Excuse me.

270. So you could pick any job, Nandor, and you went with janitor.

271. Yes. What's wrong with that?

272. There are many things I've learned as a janitor at Cannon Capital.

273. The key to making money on Wall Street is to keep a tidy office.

274. Nobody wants cold coffees on their desk,

275. so empty them while they're still hot.

276. There's nothing wrong with being a janitor.

277. - I get to wander the corridors freely.

278. Everyone loves greeting Jan-Dee.

279. I'm gonna ask you both... No, I'm gonna tell you.

280. Go back to Staten Island because I just recently got a big promotion

281. and I can't have you two messing it up.

282. Hmm. I wonder how you got that big promotion.

283. Straight from the mail room to Jordan's desk

284. just because Wendy stopped showing up.

285. Huh.

286. Make no mistake, Guillermo.

287. Without me, you are the cow that carries the corpses to the burn pit.

288. With me, you are the prize pig who gets to eat with the mayor

289. and his big-titted wife.

290. Yes. And I have also helped with Guillermo's ascension.

291. No, you haven't. You clean up shit.

292. - And piss. Enough.

293. All right? Enough. Just leave me alone.

294. I don't need your help to succeed. Leave me alone.

295. - Ungrateful. - Hey.

296. He is clearly flailing. We need to keep coming here.

297. Yes, he needs us now more than ever.

298. I couldn't stop thinking about the Monster.

299. Laszlo was a little too quick to give up on him.

300. So I decided to take matters into my own hands.

301. You'll get what I mean by that joke in a second.

302. It's really good. Yeah, just wait.

303. I've been doing some independent research, and I've come to the realization

304. that the Monster's acting up and smashing things

305. is a result of a faulty body part,

306. namely, his hand... his hands.

307. Now you know what I-I meant earlier in my interview

308. when I said "into my own hands."

309. Uh, the joke I had made.

310. This guy was a recreational baseball player.

311. One home run, two doubles and a walk.

312. What the fuck are you doing?

313. Just give me a chance. All right?

314. That thing is far too dangerous.

315. It's not perfect, but I can train him. I know I can.

316. I've learned so much about science just hanging around you.

317. Another young scientist inspired.

318. First, Mr. Oppenheimer,

319. and now Colin Robinson.

320. Exactly. I just... I need a little more time.

321. If it's time you want, then time you shall have.

322. I fear this damn fool doesn't understand the dangers or the risks.

323. But every scientist has gotta learn each lesson for himself.

324. If he's not careful, I fear this whole thing could turn into a Monster Mash

325. or worse still, a graveyard smash.

326. Welcome, Mr. Bellamy.

327. - Hey. Uh... - Oh.

328. Never mind the cameras.

329. We're just getting some behind-the-scenes videotape for Herb Allen

330. for his next conference in the Sun Valley.

331. Cathy, my love, could you plop Mr. Bellamy in Conference Room A, please?

332. - Sure. - Thank you very much.

333. Very good. Plop we go.

334. Ry-Dog, where the hell have you been? Bellamy's here already, man.

335. These fucking fobs.

336. Hey, Bryce. Wanna pause the sudoku and get on this shit?

337. I'm sorry.

338. Untwist your knickers, my love.

339. Bellamy is on 25, Conference Room B.

340. - Go up. Hurry. Shoo. - Uh... Yep.

341. You can do this, Ry-Dog. I believe in you.

342. This little bitch.

343. Stop touching things.

344. Adrian Bellamy, aka the whale.

345. You have five minutes to learn everything about him

346. and then meet him in Conference Room A.

347. Don't fuck it up.

348. Bellamy. Seriously? Huh.

349. Wait. No. I need that.

350. Take two.

351. Nice and easy. Easy-breezy.

352. You know, having a secret handshake with a close buddy

353. has always been a dream of mine.

354. There, there. All right.

355. - No.

356. - Ow. Ow.

357. - Ow. Ow!

358. Don't worry. It... It hurts worse than it looks.

359. - Gotta get back on the horse though.

360. Giddyap. Whew. Yeehaw!

361. Hook 'em Horns. Take three.

362. Mr. Bellamy. I'm sorry. Have you been waiting long?

363. I am so sorry about that.

364. Let me, uh... Let me refresh your drink here.

365. Don't know what's taking Ryan so long. I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

366. Yeah, I love to get hydrated at work,

367. especially if I'm gonna get sloshed tonight...

368. at, uh, Zero Bond.

369. You club?

370. Yeah. Yeah, I love to club.

371. You can learn a lot from someone's Instagram.

372. Like Mr. Bellamy, he loves partying at Zero Bond.

373. If I'm not clubbing, I'm here.

374. If I'm here, I'm not clubbing. So I'd rather be clubbing.

375. Loves commenting on supermodels' posts.

376. - Total smoke show. - Oh, yeah.

377. - And she's got the... - Yes, sir.

378. Loves the clean lines of the new Rivian.

379. Oh, and he also, uh, tags his ex-wife in all his kids' pictures

380. because, you know, they're on good terms.

381. That's nice.

382. Next month, you, me and a clay court in Montauk.

383. You got it. Oh.

384. Adrian. Hi. How we doing in here?

385. Good. Excited to see what you got for me.

386. - Yeah. - Hey.

387. He's gonna be in the meeting, yeah?

388. - Well, I— - Need at least one guy

389. who knows what the fuck he's talking about.

390. All right, whatever you say.

391. Good. - You're in.

392. Oh, good. Sure.

393. She said, "That's why you're not allowed in the sauna anymore."

394. Good to have you down here, man. - Absolutely.

395. I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow to follow up. It's been a real pleasure.

396. - Sounds good. G-Man. - Boom.

397. We gotta get you out to the island too.

398. Good. - What was your name again?

399. - Guillermo. - Guillermo.

400. Well, congratulations, Guillermo. You've just replaced Ryan.

401. You're an analyst, bud. The fuck is he anyway?

402. Hey, Ryan. Where the fuck are you?

403. Have you guys seen Ryan? The fuck is that guy, right?

404. I'm sure he's over here, bud.

405. Oh.

406. What the— - Oh, hey, guys. Sorry, Ryan here is, um...

407. Yeah, he's-he's been going hard on the Adderall for a while now.

408. Hey, you can't use this. All right?

409. You do not have my permission to use this footage.

410. Delete the file if you're watching this.

411. - Ryan. Hey. Wake up, bro. Come on. - Yeah.

412. - Hey, Jordan, say no more. - Huh?

413. I will take care of this. I'm on it. I will get rid of Ryan.

414. Oh, great. Let him down easy, all right?

415. He's getting married in a couple months.

416. I will do this now. Not your problem.

417. Okay. Well, thanks. I like you.

418. Yeah.

419. Oh.

420. What's not to like?

421. Are you kidding me?

422. Come on.

423. Do you know how hard it is to get blood off of unsealed marble?

424. I'm not hearing the words, um, "Thank you."

425. I told you I don't need your help, all right?

426. I wanna earn my way up the ladder.

427. So, I killed some rando with an overpriced MBA so you could get in the room.

428. Which I didn't ask you to do. I didn't ask you to do that.

429. But you were the one that impressed the rich large whale, huh?

430. And Jordan noticed.

431. - That's kind of true. - See?

432. Yeah, I was pretty annoyed at first that Nadja

433. and Nandor completely ignored me and came back to Cannon...

434. It's better.

435. but I decided to let them stay if they promise no more funny business.

436. Like murder.

437. Bye-bye, Ryan.

438. Going back into the human world can be so overwhelming.

439. So many things to get used to.

440. And it's kind of nice to see a familiar face.

441. Familiar.

442. "Welcome to the big show." Ed Sullivan.

443. I think you will be pleasantly surprised by how far the Monster has come.

444. Uh, Monster, can I have you come out here, please?

445. Oh, let's get ready to see what the, uh, Monster can do now!

446. Fantastic. Monster, can we have a, uh, friendly introduction out of you?

447. Friend. Friend. Friend.

448. - Employer, but very close.

449. Oh, I'd never say I'm on par with Laszlo as a scientist.

450. But I-I do think I have one quality that the old pistol lacks,

451. which is patience.

452. So, I just took some time and met the Monster where he was at.

453. - Come on, buddy.

454. You know, turn down the volume and listen to his tempo,

455. which happens to be a Latin jazz rhythm.

456. - That is a book. - Book.

457. That is a magnifying glass.

458. Magnify.

459. - Uh, doodad. - Doodad.

460. Jar of brains or bull's testicles.

461. - That's just a light.

462. - You gotta let them learn by doing. - Light.

463. - Huh? - That is a Tesla coil.

464. Don't. Yeah. Don't.

465. Some people say I'm an acquired taste, and, I don't know,

466. maybe the Monster just needed someone to know that he is too.

467. - Good job.

468. - And now on to the pièce de résistance.

469. I believe that with time and care,

470. I have removed the Monster's impulse to harm.

471. Observe.

472. Hmm. Now we're getting serious.

473. The Monster will now delicately hold this mouse gently

474. in his hand without crushing him.

475. Protection over pain.

476. That's a remarkable start, Colin Robinson.

477. I'll admit I was skeptical,

478. but you've turned this experiment from shit to champagne

479. and yourself into a man of science.

480. With our combined efforts, we can take this Monster to the top.

481. So, we can keep him?

482. - Oh, yes. - Oh. Awesome sauce.

483. Great work, fellas. Well done.

484. Oh, don't you do that.

485. I bid you gents good evening.

486. Good night.

487. - You did great. Mmm, did great.

488. - Oh, what's in your mouth? Oh, no.

489. No, Monster. Out.

490. Ew. Well, it's okay. Even monsters make mistakes...

491. No, Monster. Leave it.

492. - Monster, leave it. Ugh.

493. Screw it. Monster can have a mouse as a treat,

494. but we're not making a habit of it.