What We Do in the Shadows 6x10

1. Welcome to the quarterly report with yours truly,

2. me.

3. All right. So investments by sector...

4. Things are going really great at work.

5. I feel like I finally found what I'm meant to do in life.

6. Jimmy.

7. - Does anyone ever call you Big Red? - No.

8. And it feels really great to finally be, you know, appreciated.

9. Let's go.

10. - Out. - Out.

11. - Oh! - Fuck!

12. I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

13. Everything is coming up Guillermo.

14. Fuck you too.

15. Okay. All my best to Patrice. Bye.

16. - Dude, that move you made on Salazar. - Mmm.

17. Holy shit. How did you know that we should short that?

18. You know someone over there?

19. Just did my research. Just leave it at that.

20. You know what I say,

21. you do whatever you can get away with, right?

22. And don't use that.

23. That's the kinda shit that we look for in our full-time analyst.

24. Mr. Nelson was saying he's very pleased

25. - with your work. - What?

26. You could be moving up here real quick, G.

27. - Oh. - In fact,

28. tomorrow night, we should have a little rager here

29. and toast to your badass self.

30. Think about preppin' a speech

31. 'cause I got something special planned for you

32. that you are gonna love.

33. Invite some friends, huh?

34. - Yeah. - You do have friends, don't ya?

35. - Yeah. Okay. I got tons of friends. - Cool, I wanna meet 'em!

36. So I'll be making a speech

37. and you would all be attending as my friends.

38. Well, friends as in your friends or someone else's?

39. Someone else's feels better.

40. Ah, I would be attending as a valued Cannon Capital employee,

41. not your friend.

42. Okay, you know what? Forget it. Forget I even asked.

43. Nonsense. I will also be attending as a former employee.

44. And don't worry, I will not be "triggered"

45. by returning to the corridors I once kept so very tidy

46. as chief supreme janitor.

47. I think you were just a regular janitor.

48. And I too shall attend, for your soiree shall be the perfect debut

49. - for my completed Cravensworth's Monster. - Oh.

50. It's been a rocky road, but as you can see,

51. he's quite the handsome chap.

52. And far smarter than Nandor.

53. - What the fuck? - Yeah.

54. I don't know, Laszlo. I mean,

55. the last time we took him around other people,

56. he popped Jerry's head like a swollen tick.

57. Jerry did pretty much deserve that.

58. And he's promised not to do it again.

59. Stand up. Come round here.

60. If you're going to insist on bringing him,

61. he simply must wear trousers.

62. Not tonight, Josephine.

63. All right, it's official.

64. You are swagged out.

65. - Will Laszlo like? - Do you like?

66. Laszlo master. What would Laszlo like?

67. Okay. You know, you and I don't have to go to this party, Monster.

68. I mean, we could stay home and binge watch a season of USOT.

69. United States of Tara.

70. No. Laszlo say we go party.

71. But is that what you want?

72. Want make Laszlo proud.

73. Do you want to make me proud?

74. Laszlo master.

75. Yeah, all right.

76. - Hey you, guys. - Oh!

77. Today everyone is talking about the man of the hour.

78. Whatever you heard, don't believe it. None of it's true.

79. Come on! We heard the Salazar short was all you.

80. Uh... Yeah, that part is true. You can believe it.

81. - I believe 'em. I'm a believer. - Oh, yep!

82. Oh. Excuse me for a moment. You made it!

83. - Look at this! It's the friends! - Yeah.

84. - They're real. Pinch me. - Pinch.

85. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

86. - Sorry. - Don't mind the cameras here.

87. We're making a little promotional documentary

88. about Cannon Capital in, what we like to call, the Cannon way.

89. - So you'll get used to 'em. - Jordan.

90. Ah. Yes, Nan... Nancy?

91. - Yeah. - Leave it with me.

92. I say my perfectly normal friend here needs to take a piss.

93. - Ah. - Where would he do that?

94. Toilet now.

95. - Uh, just down the hall on the left. - Thanking you. Come on.

96. Come on. It's to the left.

97. Maybe I'm trippin' out here,

98. but isn't that the guy that beat the fuckin' shit out of you? Bald guy?

99. - What? I don't think so. - Looks like him.

100. - Mmm. Mm-hmm. - And... Hey, you.

101. Weren't you a janitor here?

102. Ha. I get that a lot. No, that was, um, uh...

103. my slow-witted brother who looks a lot like me,

104. but he's a completely different guy.

105. - Well, small world, huh? - Yeah.

106. But, listen. Sorry we had to let your brother go.

107. It just wasn't a good culture fit, you know?

108. Sure, sure.

109. I guess he just didn't make the grade, so...

110. I'm glad I'm not that guy.

111. You tellin' me. So, what do you do?

112. I used to command armies in the Middle East.

113. - Top secret stuff. - Sure. Yes.

114. Like Mossad?

115. - Gesundheit. - Guillermo, shots! Come on.

116. - Oh, no. - You're taking two shots!

117. - He's taking some shots! - Set him up, Jimmy.

118. Okay. But I'll be right back. I'll be right back though.

119. So how do you know Guillermo?

120. Oh, he used to be my right-hand man for many years.

121. Man, I wish I had four Guillermos, right?

122. Really lightened my load around here.

123. I wish I had two Guillermos.

124. Then you could have one. I would have one.

125. And then the two Guillermos could become friends or even lovers.

126. And I could say like, "Hey, Guillermo, go fuck yourself."

127. And then he could do that.

128. Okay, well...

129. - Cut that. - Nice meeting you.

130. - There he is. - Oh, yeah.

131. No. I cannot wait to start working with you.

132. All right. Take care.

133. No, you take care.

134. How about we both take care? Stop it. Okay. Bye.

135. What?

136. I have just been offered an incredible new job.

137. But is Guillermo gonna be okay without you watching over him the whole time?

138. - Doing what? - Remember?

139. The reason you started working here in the first place?

140. Oh, right! I guess I completely forgot about that.

141. Oh, well. Fuck it.

142. He's doing fine, isn't he?

143. I certainly am.

144. I must admit, I am sad to be leaving Cannon Capital.

145. I never quite figured out what it is we actually do here.

146. Lamps?

147. Making and/or selling really enormous lamps?

148. But... there's a lot more work

149. to be done before I can truly celebrate.

150. Unfortunately, when you are quitting your job in human world,

151. you have to burn all of your bridges at your workplace.

152. It is a very mysterious human custom.

153. I think that they do it so that their coworkers

154. that they leave behind will not miss them so much.

155. It's sort of sweet.

156. I do not fully understand this tradition,

157. but as they say in ancient Callipraxos...

158. Which means "fuck up as much shit as possible."

159. Yeah, they were a really destructive society.

160. What's he saying?

161. - It's Latin, you pricks. - I knew that.

162. Hey, why don't we take a break

163. and see how many pizza rolls we can get in your mouth?

164. Laszlo happy?

165. No. Recite pi to the fiftieth point.

166. 3.1416?

167. Five! Five!

168. What are you doing? He's not having any fun.

169. Of course he is. He's having a great time.

170. He's the life of the party.

171. No, he's not.

172. And I don't appreciate you trotting him out like some dancing bear.

173. Well, I don't give a monkey's what you appreciate.

174. He's as happy as a horse.

175. I suggest you go and get yourself a cocktail.

176. You get yourself a cocktail.

177. - Seven. - Did he get it?

178. - Yes. - Of course he did.

179. He's the best, that's why. Come out here.

180. Gather around, everyone. I want you to watch this.

181. That's it. Out you come. Fast as you can.

182. Turn the music on.

183. He likes this one.

184. I mean, he's no Patrick Swayze, but he can dance.

185. Pretty good, right? That's it.

186. I stop now?

187. No, no. You stop when I damn well tell you.

188. He never gets tired. He can do that all night.

189. Oh, Cathy. I've been meaning to tell you,

190. your spreadsheets are absolute hogshit, girlie.

191. It's, like, are you numerically demented or something?

192. And Brock,

193. your fiancée has been cheating on you with your brother for ages.

194. I'm gonna miss you both so much.

195. Shit.

196. Oh, hi. Have you seen Jordan?

197. Someone broke the glass in conference room B.

198. - Lisa, my favorite. - Oh, come on.

199. - Your voice is incredibly deep... - Yes.

200. and nasal and grating.

201. And your whole vibe,

202. it's like you crave love 'cause you never had it as a child,

203. like, where were your parents?

204. You're really hard to be around.

205. I said I wouldn't cry!

206. That's not your desk.

207. Not anymore. It's not.

208. Very cool.

209. A water closet in your office?

210. - Oh, yeah. - You ever get tempted to, you know,

211. just sit at your desk

212. and whip it out and see if you can piss right into the toilet?

213. No, but I'll have to give that a try.

214. We don't need to be talking about piss in front of my boss.

215. Ease up, G.

216. I'm always telling Guillermo that he works too hard.

217. He's always here. I gotta watch out for this guy.

218. Otherwise, one day, it'll be him behind this desk,

219. - right? - No. No.

220. My mini me. My mentee. My right-hand man.

221. He used to do a similar thing for me.

222. - We called it shit work. - Ah.

223. - Same, same. - No, not the same.

224. For one, I actually get something from working here.

225. Well... why don't we take a little breath here?

226. - Yeah. - How about you go get me a beer?

227. - Get yourself some too. - Got it, boss.

228. And one for me.

229. Really? You want a beer too?

230. Yes, Guillermo. I would like a beer

231. on the rocks.

232. - Just go get the beers. - Yeah.

233. It's always a fucking discussion with this guy.

234. It was the same when he worked for me, you know? So argumentative.

235. - Mm-hmm. - Always talking back

236. like some kind of needy child.

237. Exactly. Just, like, do what I fucking say.

238. Yes, like a servant.

239. Those were your words, not mine.

240. Sure. Sure.

241. But you do value Guillermo as a part of the team, right?

242. Let me tell you something. You gotta have at least one guy

243. who would do anything to make you happy.

244. Neediness is a great motivator.

245. He was always needing something.

246. - Food. Water. - Yeah.

247. A new brush for my hair.

248. Classic beta shit, right?

249. So, how do you deal with the beta shits?

250. Well, probably the same way you do.

251. Smile, and a little speck of hope,

252. and they will do anything you need them to do.

253. I mean anything.

254. But, I mean, you wouldn't take advantage of Guillermo like that, right?

255. No. Officially, no.

256. I have grown suspicious of Guillermo's beloved Jordan.

257. I'm not sure that he has Guillermo's best interests at heart.

258. But surely, a true leader would never dream

259. of treating a loyal underling with such contempt.

260. That's point.

261. It's simply not done.

262. Would you excuse me for a moment, Jordan? I just...

263. I gotta make sure that Guillermo isn't putting too many rocks in my beer.

264. No, seriously, man, I feel like everyone's having kids now.

265. It's, like, gross.

266. Sorry, I don't wanna hang out with babies all the time.

267. Yeah. What about you, man? You want kids?

268. Uh... kids? What am I made of? Money?

269. - Give me that. That's my man. - Nice.

270. - That's what I'm talking about. - Fight! Danger!

271. - Oh! - Sorry!

272. No sweat, man.

273. We're just gonna go get this cleaned up, like, away from here.

274. What the fuck happened there?

275. You were doing well with the wankers.

276. - Mistake. - I should damn well say so.

277. Chill your tits, Laszlo.

278. You chill your tits. My monster, my rules.

279. But he has feelings.

280. Feelings? He's a monster.

281. He'll have feelings when I tell him to have feelings.

282. Toilet.

283. - What a surprise. - Now, see what you've done?

284. "I feel like I finally found a place where I belong.

285. And I wanna specially thank Jordan

286. for seeing something in me that perhaps I didn't see"--

287. Guillermo, I must speak with you urgently.

288. No, not right now. I'm practicing my speech.

289. Guillermo, I do not trust this man Jordan nor his intentions for you.

290. Of course.

291. - Of course what? - Things are finally looking up for me.

292. I have a purpose, a future.

293. And here you are, trying to ruin it all, 'cause why?

294. - 'Cause you're jealous? - I'm trying to help you.

295. You've never believed in me, never encouraged me.

296. You just let me sit and stew

297. and wonder endlessly why I wasn't good enough.

298. That does not sound like something I would do.

299. And Jordan is not like you.

300. I'm about to get promoted to full-time analyst,

301. and here you are trying to tear it all down like you always do

302. when I have something special in front of me.

303. All right, everybody, circle up. Come on, bring it in.

304. Now, you know how much I hate public speaking, but you guys...

305. - Guillermo— - No.

306. This is how it's supposed to be.

307. You work hard and you get rewarded.

308. And if you don't like that, you don't have to be a part of my life.

309. We just made a sizable chunk of change shorting Salazar.

310. - Let's hear it. Yeah! - Yeah!

311. But there is one person that I really gotta shout out.

312. He's the reason why we're all here tonight.

313. Cannon's visionary founder, Mr. Gene Nelson!

314. A legend in our midst! Yeah.

315. Don't let me interrupt you, Jordan.

316. Tonight's about you and your stellar team.

317. Well, you know what, sir? It is a team.

318. I'm always saying to the people here

319. that we are like the Avengers of Wall Street, right?

320. We got the, of course, Captain America back there.

321. And Black Widow with Spider-man right there.

322. And Raj, you know you are my Thor, baby, dropping that hammer.

323. And who else?

324. I guess Groot. So solid. And... Huh!

325. Well, what does that make me? Who brings everybody together?

326. - Tony Stark. - Tony Stark. I'll take it.

327. Let's raise a glass to Mr. Nelson.

328. Let's keep this rager raging.

329. - Hey, Jordan. I thought you were... - Thanks, buddy.

330. - What about my... - Hey, Mr. Nelson. VIP area...

331. Thank you so much for that, Jordan.

332. But I will make a real announcement.

333. Sadly, my time here at Cannon Capital Strategies

334. is coming to an end.

335. I know. Let your tears out, it's okay.

336. But I got an offer I couldn't refuse

337. from a very exciting new company,

338. and I think they really wanted me

339. because all I had to do to get the job

340. was send them ten thousand dollars in cash

341. along with some photographs of my feet.

342. Wait, what?

343. - Headhunted! - Yeah!

344. So, now all I need to do is convince 15 more people to join me.

345. - Who's in? - Uh, you just got scammed.

346. Yeah, enjoy your totally real, new job, bitch.

347. - What? - And if they're not hiring,

348. - I'm sure the Ren Faire is. Great outfit. - Oh, yeah.

349. - I've got a new job— - Leave Nadja alone!

350. Relax. Oh, I don't want another head.

351. - I swear to fuck. - Calm down.

352. Dick.

353. Thanks a lot, asshole.

354. You behave like an animal.

355. Come on. Stop beating yourself up.

356. Laszlo mad at me.

357. No, he's not mad at you.

358. You were just exhibiting classic party behavior.

359. Who cares if you get loose as a goose?

360. I monster.

361. You are not a monster.

362. You are a cool dude.

363. Shit. Your staple's leaking.

364. All right. I'm gonna call you next week. Thanks for coming by.

365. Hey, Jordan. Can I talk to you?

366. Sorry. Old man Nelson was going on and on,

367. but his nurse/wife got him out of here,

368. - so, what's up? - Uh...

369. I was just wondering why you didn't let me go up there

370. and give my speech?

371. I'm so— I'm sorry. It slipped my mind.

372. With Mr. Nelson being here, it was crazy.

373. I just didn't want things to get too confusing for everybody.

374. It's just that you asked me to prepare a speech

375. and I thought you were happy with the work that I've been doing.

376. I am happy. I'm thrilled.

377. In fact, I got you something

378. that's way better than a stupid shout-out and a speech.

379. Something that you've earned.

380. Wait right here.

381. It's happening.

382. Close your eyes.

383. Here we go. Ta-da! Open 'em up.

384. Just a little thank you for all the hard work that you do around here.

385. We make a hell of a team, don't we?

386. Wow. Thank you.

387. - Hmm. - Um...

388. Just put it right there on your desk. It'll look nice.

389. It's just a...

390. I just thought that maybe you were going to give me a promotion?

391. No, no, I... I can't promote you until you're ready.

392. It'll happen when the time is right.

393. How much time would that be, just, hypothetically?

394. Oh, I don't know. Ballpark a couple of years.

395. You can't rush paying your dues, Guillermo.

396. No.

397. No.

398. - No! - Whoa!

399. When the time is right? I already wasted so much time!

400. What's your fucking damage, bro?

401. My damage is, I'm tired of being strung along and I'm not doing it anymore!

402. Really?

403. Well, maybe you should check your attitude and remember

404. that you're talking to your fucking boss.

405. You're the person that helps actually important people

406. get their shit done.

407. You're not a killer. You gotta know your fucking place.

408. Excuse me?

409. Dude, that's company property.

410. - You know who you're fucking with? - I'm sorry.

411. I don't think you know who you're fucking with.

412. - Oh, no, no. Nandor. - No.

413. Nandor, put him down. Nandor, no.

414. You're maybe more successful and rich and smart and better looking

415. and have a generally cooler vibe than him.

416. But you do not get to speak to him like that.

417. - Okay, just-just put him down please. - Put me down.

418. I cannot have you speaking to Guillermo this way.

419. Drop him! Now.

420. Fine.

421. You know what? You're right.

422. I'm not a killer. But I know a way to hurt you even worse.

423. I think I'll give a call to the Securities and Exchange Commission.

424. Yes!

425. - What is that? - Don't worry about it.

426. Bullshit. What? You're gonna come at me?

427. You openly talk about insider trading constantly.

428. Oh, yeah? Well, how are you gonna prove it?

429. Yeah, bro, it's my documentary.

430. It's his documentary.

431. Yeah. Over the years, I've learned that you gotta protect yourself.

432. Hey, take a look at this.

433. And information is a great way of doing that.

434. - All right, you got all that? - Yes.

435. Now delete it.

436. - Why? - Dude, no paper trail.

437. It's cool. The SEC guy is a total pussy. He's not gonna do shit.

438. People love telling me things.

439. Maybe it's my face or that they don't know I'm in the room.

440. Either way, I keep receipts.

441. And I'm not talking just about the CVS ones.

442. It's his documentary.

443. Cut. Cut. Cut!

444. Well, that was a bust.

445. It looks like I'm back to the drawing board

446. with Cravensworth's Monster.

447. - I'm not Cravensworth's Monster. - What are you then?

448. - Robinson's Monster. - Huh.

449. Don't be so preposterous.

450. Well, you were really hard on the poor guy in there.

451. And what was he doing? He was just cutting it up with the guys.

452. He cried in the bathroom.

453. He even had Nadja's back without popping that guy's head.

454. Face it, we created a monster with real emotions.

455. I, for one, am jazzed.

456. - Jazz. - Yeah.

457. I suppose you have a point. And between us, Colin Robinson,

458. we will force the entire scientific community to eat shit.

459. - Well, we've gotta. - Yeah.

460. I love both my fathers.

461. - Of course you do. - Sure you do.

462. Now kiss.

463. I'm, uh...

464. - What-What was that? - Kiss, Daddies, now.

465. No, I don't think that's gonna happen.

466. I don't know. I mean, we could.

467. We still have 7 floors to go.

468. He really takes after his daddy.

469. Horny little freak.

470. All right. Let's get out of this shithole.

471. - Yes. - Absolutely.

472. Fair enough.

473. Well, usually, it's kind of a one-person thing.

474. Give me your hand. Careful.

475. After you.

476. Wow. What a night!

477. Yeah. I feel like it could've gone better for me.

478. The way the two of us just took down that evil guy like that.

479. This must be what it feels like to do a good deed.

480. I feel so... so... charged up!

481. Fuck these guys!

482. Oh, shit!

483. Yeah! Suck it.

484. - Go, Nandor! - This feels incredible.

485. You know, it also make me wonder

486. what else we could accomplish together.

487. I'm not going back to being your familiar.

488. I'm not talking about you being my familiar, Guillermo.

489. Look, I will always be killing people because I'm a vampire.

490. It's what we do. But what if I was more picky?

491. If I use my powers for good.

492. - To bring justice to this unjust world. - Oh.

493. You mean like Batman.

494. I don't know who that is.

495. But also, I was thinking, why not create a secret underground lair.

496. And, I would have my very own young sidekick.

497. Like Robin.

498. I don't think robbing people is a good idea.

499. - I don't know. - You don't know.

500. You do know! This is why we've been brought together.

501. It's not for me to make you a fucking vampire.

502. Fuck all that shit.

503. But for us to create an unbreakable alliance.

504. To help people in this broken society.

505. Some shit like that.

506. Face it, Guillermo. You're never gonna be just a normal human guy.

507. You don't belong with them.

508. You belong with us.

509. But I'm not a vampire.

510. No, you're not. You're something even cooler.

511. You are a warrior.

512. Okay. Let go of my hand now.

513. - It's a bit clammy. - Sorry.

514. What else can I throw at that building?

515. I'm done with that pinstripe pit of corporate despair.

516. - You were only there for an hour, Laszlo. - That was enough.

517. I had a great time. Got myself a souvenir.

518. So did I.

519. Oh, no. Is that Lisa?

520. She really was my favorite.

521. Well, good night.

522. I'll be in the shed if you guys—

523. Guillermo? Where are you going?

524. Get back here.

525. We've got things to discuss.

526. First on the agenda, let's talk capes.

527. What if we wear them on our fronts?