What We Do in the Shadows 5x9

1. Huh.

2. Says here that sour cream is on sale over at Shop Mart.

3. Shut up, Colin Robinson.

4. Knock, knock.

5. Guillermo, there's someone at the door.

6. No, that was me

7. just saying, "Knock, knock."

8. Guillermo, never mind. It was nobody.

9. Mm. Oh, I just came by to remind everyone

10. that tonight is my big art gallery opening

11. of all the paintings I've been working on.

12. Paintings?

13. The intoxicating elixir to the weary mind.

14. Who is the artist?

15. I am.

16. Tell me more about the sour cream sale, Colin Robinson.

17. Wait. You're all coming, right? 'Cause you did RSVP yes.

18. Eh... sort of hard to shuffle things around

19. at this late stage, but let us think on it.

20. This is a really good book, so...

21. Okey doke.

22. Oh!

23. Uh, you received

24. a message in the post

25. from a Perdita Morrigan?

26. Perdita Morrigan?

27. - Yeah. - Oh, the Perdita Morrigan?

28. Who's Perdita Morrigan?

29. Could you read the note?

30. - Hurry it up. Let's hear it. - All right.

31. "Mrs. Morrigan requests the pleasure of your company

32. for a weekend at her ancestral state Morrigan Manor."

33. Morrigan Manor, my love!

34. Perdita Morrigan

35. is the grand dame of

36. vampiric high society in the New World.

37. Yeah. She's the matriarch of one of

38. America's first vampiric families.

39. She came over on the Mayflower.

40. She was there at the Plymouth Colonies

41. during the first winter, when 45 men died.

42. And 23 of those were murders

43. committed by Perdita herself.

44. She just did it...

45. very quietly, and then blamed it on the cold weather.

46. Perdita Morrigan holds a Met Ball after-party

47. that is so exclusive,

48. no one is invited.

49. I mean, I get it.

50. This Perdita is some big shot,

51. but my vampires know how hard

52. I've been working on these paintings.

53. I think they will make the right decision.

54. Guillermo, bring the car around. We are out of here.

55. All right, here we are.

56. Wakey-wakey.

57. Wow, look at this place.

58. Fan-cy.

59. I need to realign my chakras.

60. Oops. Yeah.

61. That's gonna happen.

62. Whew.

63. It means you're doing it right.

64. What's with this silly shit?

65. - Is that stuck on? - Oh.

66. No, I-I thought I'd grow it out for the weekend.

67. Mm. Really?

68. - You can grow a mustache that fast? - Oh, yeah.

69. No, I have to shave, like, three times a day.

70. Not just my face either.

71. - Okay. - Undercarriage, chest, balls...

72. Ooh! We made it.

73. Yes, sorry you had to fly the whole way.

74. It's just there wasn't really

75. - any room in the car. - Yeah.

76. I think it was almost 200 miles.

77. - About that. - Over 200.

78. I have a treat for you.

79. - I brought the paintings. - Oh.

80. I figured if you all couldn't come to the art opening,

81. then the art opening can come to you guys.

82. Oh. Guys?

83. Oh, I get it, you want to look at them inside. Okay.

84. Ooh.

85. Hello?

86. Perdita? Hello?

87. A little dingy.

88. Are you sure the invitation was for this weekend?

89. - Yes! Oh, she left us a note. - A note?

90. It says, "Dear Guests..."

91. That's us.

92. "Welcome to Morrigan Manor.

93. "So sorry not to greet you in person, but please repair

94. "to the drawing room, where I have left

95. a more personal message for you."

96. Well, hello,

97. my darling guests, and also greetings.

98. I beg you, please excuse my absence,

99. - but something has come up... - What?

100. and I won't be joining you this weekend.

101. - Shit. - But please, do enjoy

102. all the amenities

103. my home has to offer—

104. the fencing gymnasium,

105. the hunting grounds, the historic bell tower...

106. Is it me or is this chick hella boring?

107. and of course, the board games room.

108. But be warned—

109. Morrigan Manor can be a treacherous place.

110. You must all watch out for one another,

111. and take care of each other.

112. - Yeah. - You must operate

113. as the family that you are,

114. - not as six individuals... - Six?

115. who only look out for themselves.

116. - Ah. - So, good luck

117. and ciao-ciao for now.

118. What a big fat bummer.

119. But she is known for her extremely busy social schedule.

120. Is anyone concerned about that last part?

121. About Morrigan Manor being treacherous?

122. Not in the slightest. However...

123. sunrise is approaching. Perhaps we should slumber

124. and worry about it later.

125. Good?

126. Now you're talking.

127. - Except for the luggage. - Good night.

128. I was kind of hoping you'd get it unloaded and unpacked,

129. if you don't mind. ASAP. Thank you.

130. I should probably get my paintings from the car.

131. That's okay. I can grab them for you.

132. Thank you, Guillermo. You're so kind.

133. My first thought was to "parry."

134. My second intention, to "riposte."

135. It's just my "point-in-line."

136. That's fencing humor. You'll get used to it.

137. Ah, I see you're enjoying the gymnasium, mm?

138. Yes. What a well-appointed one it is at that.

139. Indeed. Care to go a few rounds, my friend?

140. En garde!

141. Whew!

142. What's wrong?

143. Afraid of a little friendly competition?

144. No. I prefer to practice on my dummy.

145. Oh. Are you sure?

146. Quite sure.

147. Okay. Um...

148. - All right. Have fun. - Ta-ta.

149. Where did you come from?

150. Well, I see sportsmanship is not your forte.

151. You need to be taught a lesson.

152. And then there were two.

153. Well, I've always been partial to a threesome.

154. Shall we dance?

155. Hey, Laszlo, I thought you didn't want a fencing partner.

156. Sorry, can't talk right now. I have my hands full.

157. Here, you forgot this.

158. And you're certain you don't need my help?

159. No, I'm in the zone with these chaps.

160. Now, where were we?

161. Ah, yes.

162. En garde!

163. Take that!

164. And that. Ha!

165. And... that.

166. Like that, do you?

167. Ménage à quatre. Why not?

168. Oh-ho!

169. A bit of the rope-a-dope! To here.

170. Come on, chaps, this is too easy.

171. Ha ha!

172. Is that all you've got?

173. You what?

174. Well, I suppose this gives you

175. what we gentlemen call a sporting chance.

176. Watch your fingers.

177. I learned that in Germany.

178. That, in Afghanistan.

179. Oh, yes.

180. Lovely.

181. Oh, shit.

182. So...

183. the horsies can go up two and over one?

184. I don't know how to play this shit.

185. I thought you'd know how to play this shit.

186. Mm, that's fun.

187. Eesh! Shades of Bacchus.

188. Guess what? We got another message from our hostess.

189. "My staff has prepared a traditional hunt

190. for all of you shortly after moonrise."

191. - Ooh. - "In the meantime,

192. "please enjoy this art show

193. of recent oil paintings."

194. - Perdita wrote that? - Well,

195. I added that last bit.

196. - But I do think you will love these. - No, I won't...

197. because I have never worn those glasses in my life.

198. Has anyone seen Laszlo? I can't find him anywhere.

199. - And it's really not like him. - Oh...

200. - Laszlo's missing, eh? - Yeah.

201. Mm, the game is afoot.

202. You know, this house does have a belfry filled with local bats.

203. Maybe Laszlo went up there.

204. Oh, so like my darling perverted husband,

205. to sniff out the local bordello

206. immediately upon arrival.

207. Could you take me to the belfry?

208. Of course I can. And also, before we go,

209. - would you like to take in? - Uh, you know?

210. I saw some art last year. So I'm good.

211. - This way? - Okay.

212. - Your move. - Yes.

213. Two at once.

214. Inspired.

215. This is the belfry, and where there's a belfry,

216. - there's bound to be— - Bats.

217. Yes, that is so like my Laszlo.

218. Laszlo is so lucky to have someone like you.

219. Someone who cares about him

220. and worries about his well-being.

221. Well, yes, Laszlo is not just my husband,

222. or my number one fuckbuddy, but he is also my best friend.

223. Must be nice.

224. Laszlo, you little pervert,

225. here I come.

226. What the fuck is behind that door?

227. Let me go first, to keep you safe.

228. Be careful.

229. Nadja, help!

230. - Yes, I'm coming. - Help!

231. Here I come. I'm coming to he—

232. It was just my eyes playing tricks on me.

233. It's nothing.

234. Nadja, come back up!

235. Let's look for Laszl— oh.

236. Oh, no.

237. Hurry, Guillermo.

238. That horn signifies

239. the release of the humans.

240. They're getting a head start on us.

241. They must be college athletes.

242. The most challenging prey.

243. Did you catch their scent?

244. - What? - Lead me.

245. No. I'm not a bloodhound.

246. Here. You can catch their scent from this.

247. No, I'm not gonna touch that.

248. Just get your muzzle in there and get a nice big whiff.

249. - No. - You can track them with this.

250. You know what? How about this?

251. You wait here,

252. and I'm gonna go and you wait for my signal.

253. - Okay? - Signal?

254. Yeah. You wait for it, okay?

255. - What's the signal? - You'll see!

256. Look at him go.

257. Guy like that catches a whiff of something musky,

258. he absolutely will not stop.

259. Oh, yeah.

260. I just ran into the woods and then circled back in

261. when Nandor wasn't looking.

262. The key to hunting humans

263. is to divide and then crush.

264. If the humans begin operating in a pack,

265. they can be very formidable.

266. But they're usually too dumb for that

267. and end up just scattering.

268. Guillermo?

269. What have you found?

270. What a good boy!

271. I just don't have the heart to, like, hunt humans.

272. Yet.

273. I know I'll have to do it eventually,

274. but... I'm just not feeling it.

275. Guillermo!

276. Here, boy.

277. - What the fuck? - I'm not going to lie.

278. This is as bad as it looks.

279. It looks pretty bad.

280. What are you even doing all the way out here?

281. I was looking for you.

282. Nadja and Laszlo have disappeared.

283. You're worrying about nothing. It's fine.

284. Okay, let me find a stick,

285. and I will pry your leg from the trap.

286. - A stick, stick, stick, stick, stick. - Oh, no.

287. - What? - They're coming.

288. And they seem to be working as a team.

289. Nandor, if you must leave me behind...

290. - I must. See you. - Oh.

291. Bye.

292. Guillermo! I am in need of your help!

293. Guillermo— oh!

294. - Where is everyone? - Mm.

295. An intriguing question.

296. But perhaps one I should be asking you, no, monsieur?

297. What are you talking about?

298. Quite the "predict-ament"

299. we find ourselves in here tonight,

300. no, Guillermo?

301. Not a soul in sight. Just you and me.

302. "And then there were two."

303. Again, what are you talking about?

304. I know it was you, Guillermo.

305. I know it was you who lured us all here

306. under false pretenses.

307. And it's you who's making everyone disappear

308. - one by one. - What?

309. That's bananas. Why would I even do that?

310. Because you know that Nandor is eventually gonna find out

311. that you went and got yourself turned into a vampire

312. - by someone other than him. - Okay.

313. So, then why not just kill Nandor?

314. Why kill everyone else?

315. Uh...

316. Um, because...

317. we all know your secret.

318. Okay, so then I kill everyone

319. because I want to keep the secret from Nandor,

320. but then I still kill Nandor, too?

321. Huh.

322. Well, maybe I missed a clue.

323. Is it something where the last person alive

324. inherits the house?

325. - No. - Yeah, well, even when I was saying that,

326. that didn't really make sense.

327. Zut alors!

328. - What happened? - Now Nandor is gone.

329. I was caught in a trap and I told him to leave me behind.

330. And he did. Like, really quickly.

331. Like you would think he would say,

332. "No, I'm not going to leave you behind,"

333. just to be nice, but he took off.

334. And then he got swooped up into the trees

335. and I couldn't find him.

336. And then there were three.

337. Can I take a look?

338. It's all right, Guillermo. I'm a vampire.

339. - It'll heal by tomorrow. - You sure?

340. - Does it hurt? - Not much.

341. Let's at least level it up, see what we're dealing with.

342. - Careful. Careful. - All right.

343. That's a lot of blood.

344. Thank you for caring.

345. You know, a small act of kindness can mean so much.

346. And every day, we're given so many opportunities

347. to be kind to someone else.

348. You know, to make them feel included,

349. to make them feel like they're part of the old gang.

350. Doesn't seem like much to ask.

351. But for some people, I guess

352. it's just something they won't do,

353. even though they should know

354. it would mean the world to some other people.

355. Do you know what it's like to know

356. there's a whole group of buddies and no matter what you do,

357. they will never see you as part of that group?

358. I do.

359. For all those years, I was just a familiar.

360. - I always felt like I— - I'm sorry, Guillermo.

361. I wasn't asking you. I was asking him.

362. Ah.

363. The Celtics won. Noice.

364. - Colin. - Yeah.

365. What? Were you saying something?

366. Oh, fuck it. These can't all be clever.

367. - This way. - What's that? Footsteps.

368. What the hell?

369. Finally. Quickly.

370. Someone or something has imprisoned all of us.

371. No, you fucking doughnut. It's her that did it.

372. - Guilty as charged. - What?

373. Tee-hee.

374. And I see you're all taking nicely

375. to your new homes, yes?

376. Solid silver.

377. Ay, fucking silver.

378. Careful.

379. Well, I'm immune to silver, so good luck keeping me in.

380. - Oh, do you have the key? - Touché.

381. What is this despicable torture that you have concocted?

382. But I like to think of it as a lesson, really.

383. An education.

384. Did Perdita put you up to this?

385. Perdita?

386. You mean...

387. Morrigan Manor

388. can be a treacherous place...

389. et cetera, et cetera?

390. - You mean that Perdita? - Witch.

391. - Well done. - It was me the whole time.

392. Yeah, no doy.

393. I-I knew when you shot me from my chair.

394. - Good. - Quite a glass onion.

395. I think Perdita Morrigan

396. is pretending to be The Guide.

397. No, you fucking idiot.

398. She just said that it was her that was doing it.

399. - Who? - Fucking hell.

400. - Let me just say this slowly. - I wouldn't bother.

401. - I'd just carry on. - Should I not?

402. - No. - Yeah.

403. I know that Perdita spends the offseason

404. at her chalet in Gstaad,

405. and that her mansion would be empty.

406. And the perfect place to teach you all

407. a valuable lesson

408. about the importance of being nice to people

409. who maybe aren't part of your core group

410. but who have done a lot of nice things for you

411. and yet you still treat them like shit.

412. Wait, you did all of this

413. instead of just asking us

414. to have a short conversation about your feelings?

415. - Yeah, I guess I did. - Okay, I think you taught them a lesson,

416. - so now we just get them... - No, Guillermo.

417. My lesson has but only begun.

418. You will each

419. spend the rest of your eternal lives here.

420. Close to each other yet kept at a distance.

421. So you will know how you have made me feel this whole time.

422. Always on the outside.

423. And every time I try to get close,

424. - I get burned. - I thought

425. you really liked us.

426. I did.

427. Deeply and desperately.

428. And all I wanted was for you to like me.

429. Instead, you treated me like...

430. an afterthought.

431. I have got absolutely no really close female friends anymore.

432. An annoyance.

433. Oh, nice going, dipshit.

434. A hanger-on.

435. Stand over there and just pretend not to listen.

436. I can do that.

437. An inconvenience.

438. You did R-S-veep "yes."

439. Sort of had to shuffle things around at this late stage.

440. So this is basically a clip show now?

441. Are we Golden Girls?

442. You know, I'm starting to think

443. that this might be all of my fault.

444. This is the hex that I have been cursed with.

445. Oh,

446. my dear Mistress Nadja.

447. - I have good news. - Huh?

448. There is no hex.

449. There never was a hex.

450. I just made you think

451. - there was a hex. - What?

452. - Witch! - Did not have that

453. on my 2023 bingo card.

454. - Why? - So that I could try to help you.

455. So that you would, I don't know,

456. see me as a friend, treat me as a friend.

457. I did say thank you for your help with the hex.

458. - Not once. - I meant to?

459. - You didn't. - Thank you so much.

460. Too late!

461. Even to the bitter end,

462. hoping against hope,

463. I gave each of you one last chance to show me

464. the smallest amount of kindness.

465. And even that was beyond you!

466. No one told us it was a fucking test.

467. W-Wait, why isn't Gumball

468. in here with us?

469. Because Guillermo is the only one out of all of you

470. that has ever shown me any kindness.

471. - Brownnoser. - And yet you all

472. treat him so shabbily

473. that even after all this time of waiting to become

474. one of you...

475. he's forced to give up

476. and take matters into his own hands.

477. Sorry, what?

478. Well, I think, y-you know,

479. I don't think they mean to exclude you.

480. - Guillermo, do not stick up for them. - I'm not—

481. Circling back to "taking matters

482. into his own hands..."

483. Well, I don't think that's the point. The point is,

484. - those paintings are very important. - Well, it kind of is the point.

485. Is anyone else curious about this?

486. Laszlo?

487. Nadja? Curiosity there at all?

488. I-I like this cage.

489. - Colin Robinson? Any... - No, sir.

490. Okay, you know, it kind of feels like

491. there's something going on and everyone knows

492. what it is except me.

493. Awkward.

494. Master.

495. Yes?

496. I, uh...

497. Spit it out.

498. I made a-a big mistake.

499. And I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt...

500. you.

501. I had someone else turn me

502. into a vampire.

503. I-I asked them to do it.

504. Oh, fuck.

505. You asked...

506. someone else?

507. A vampire who was not me?

508. I felt like I had no other choice.

509. You could have asked me.

510. Are you fucking kidding me?

511. I asked you repeatedly for 13 years.

512. Yes, and I was gonna get round to it.

513. I've had a lot on my plate at the moment!

514. - Who? - What?

515. Who was it?

516. I don't think that's really relevant.

517. - It's relevant to me. - It's just, what's done is done.

518. - Guillermo! - Derek.

519. Okay.

520. Well, thank you for being honest with me.

521. - Okay. - I appreciate it.

522. Now I'm going to be honest with you.

523. This is good.

524. I...

525. am going...

526. to kill you,

527. Guillermo.

528. And then quite possibly myself.

529. It all depends

530. on whether I'm still completely

531. and utterly humiliated

532. after I'm done killing you!

533. Whoa-whoa-whoa, if it makes you feel any better,

534. he's only a half-baked vampire.

535. Yes, I know. He has Van Helsing blood.

536. His vampire-killer cells

537. are fighting off his vampire cells with all their might.

538. - Okay. That's what's going on. - Oh, shit.

539. - Fuck. - Another mystery solved.

540. Well, you live and learn, right?

541. Master, if you would just let me talk—

542. You're a dead man!

543. Gizmo, if I was you, I would just, uh,

544. piss off. Stay back there. And in the meantime,

545. where are the documentarians? Behind me?

546. There you are. I say,

547. could you find the tapes

548. from November the 21st, 2022?

549. Yeah. I know she doesn't have, like, a last name

550. or a first name, for that matter,

551. but I-I just think that The Guide is really nice.

552. I'd say she's more than nice, Colin Robinson.

553. She has a tremendous wit

554. and a fantastic backside.

555. That would usually make me very jealous,

556. if I didn't completely agree!

557. And, you know, she's also a very good listener.

558. And once you get used to that voice,

559. she has some very interesting things to say.

560. I have often thought, as I've searched for a wife,

561. that the answer might just be here under my nose

562. the whole time.

563. I think that's enough now, Ryan. You can turn that off.

564. - She gets the point. - Oh.

565. Thank you.

566. That was so lovely.

567. But how come none of you ever said any of this to me?

568. Because we're vampires,

569. my squeaky-voiced,

570. fucking berserk, nutjob, idiot friend.

571. And sometimes we're not too good with the old niceties

572. and kindness towards those we care about.

573. But our hearts...

574. are full of love.

575. He's not wrong.

576. I am so embarrassed.

577. Oh!

578. Don't sweat it, girly. We all make mistakes.

579. Now let-let me out now. Come on.

580. - Okay. - Here we are.

581. Forgive and forget, that's what I say.

582. Now let me out of this cage so I can kill Guillermo.

583. Guess I kind of got in my head

584. - a little bit. - Yes.

585. Yes, I think you did.

586. - Ooh! - Fuck.

587. I've never been able to do that.

588. Now you're just rubbing it in.

589. Very Derek.

590. Master, if I let you out of this cage,

591. do you promise not to kill me?

592. I promise.

593. You mean it?

594. No!

595. What are you doing?

596. I'm giving you a head start, you knob lord.

597. Laszlo, let me out of this cage

598. so I can kill Guillermo!

599. Give me that key!

600. If I were you, I'd run.

601. Run, boy, run!

602. Guillermo...!

603. I have often thought, as I've searched for a wife,

604. that the answer might just be here under my nose

605. - the whole time. - I know.

606. She also has such great style.

607. All those blacks and grays.

608. Oh, I see.

609. I get it. You guys are...

610. trying to get me to hook up with her

611. and so we become a couple

612. and I eventually move out and leave you guys alone. I get it.

613. What? What?

614. We would never do that.

615. Of course not!