1. Darling, are you okay?Copy !req
2. Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
3. Something is wrong with Laszlo.Copy !req
4. It has been like this
a few weeks now.Copy !req
5. He just sits in the library,
staring off into space.Copy !req
6. I have never seen him
like this before.Copy !req
7. Ah, Laszlo,
I've just been reading this bookCopy !req
8. about the Battle
Of Quiberon Bay.Copy !req
9. Could you explain to me
the difference betweenCopy !req
10. an Endymion-class frigate
and a brigantine?Copy !req
11. Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
12. I fear I am to blame.Copy !req
13. Laszlo is so worried
about this hexCopy !req
14. that is ruining my eternal lifeCopy !req
15. that he is emotionally depleted.Copy !req
16. Sadly, I think it isCopy !req
17. because
his world has been rockedCopy !req
18. by the fact
that I am in such a good place.Copy !req
19. Actually,
I keep having these dreamsCopy !req
20. where I'm a small child,Copy !req
21. and Laszlo is... my daddy.Copy !req
22. Oh, that is actually because
that did happen, Colin Robinson.Copy !req
23. I think I would remember
Laszlo wiping my bottom.Copy !req
24. It's 'cause he did.Copy !req
25. Though, to be fair, that...Copy !req
26. that is what's happening
in-in the dream.Copy !req
27. - Ew.
- Please stop.Copy !req
28. Laszlo?Copy !req
29. Yeah, it's my fault.Copy !req
30. Laszlo's been working so hard
to figure outCopy !req
31. why I'm not
a full vampire yet.Copy !req
32. And Laszlo hates defeat, so,Copy !req
33. I think it's broken his brain.Copy !req
34. Laszlo, I just want youCopy !req
35. to know that it's okay.Copy !req
36. - You did your best.
- Gizmo?Copy !req
37. Ah. Yes.
Yes, I'm here for you.Copy !req
38. Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
39. Even his libido is out of whack.Copy !req
40. I mean, we are down to, like,
only 16 fucks a week.Copy !req
41. We are down to just three.Copy !req
42. I can't even get enough
of a rise out of himCopy !req
43. for a mini-drain.Copy !req
44. Oh, good Lord. Ooh!Copy !req
45. Does the limited warranty cover
the power cord, or justCopy !req
46. - the main unit itself?
- Ooh, I have been hammering so hardCopy !req
47. - on these big nails.
- Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.Copy !req
48. - Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure.
- Ooh. Ooh.Copy !req
49. Let's pound some rivets, baby.Copy !req
50. Look what I found.Copy !req
51. A big box of ships
and pornography.Copy !req
52. Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
53. Ugh. Anything?Copy !req
54. there are no stupid ideas,Copy !req
55. just stupid people.Copy !req
56. What do we know about Laszlo?Copy !req
57. Guillermo, you spendCopy !req
58. a lot of your life
being very miserable and sad.Copy !req
59. Do you have any ideas?Copy !req
60. - Okay.
- Is it all right if I pitch an idea?Copy !req
61. What about
if we threw Laszlo a roast?Copy !req
62. Right? Where we all give
funny speeches about Laszlo,Copy !req
63. kind of tease him a little bit,Copy !req
64. and it just makes him so happy
for some reason?Copy !req
65. - Hold on! I've got one.
- Yes?Copy !req
66. Nope. Lost it.Copy !req
67. What if—Copy !req
68. hear me out on this—Copy !req
69. what if we threw Laszlo a roast?Copy !req
70. Love that idea!Copy !req
71. Now, this is an idea I like!Copy !req
72. - I just said that.
- How did you think of that?Copy !req
73. - I said it so loud.
- Well done, Colin.Copy !req
74. No peeking, cheeky.Copy !req
75. Surprise!Copy !req
76. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official roastCopy !req
77. of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!Copy !req
78. Yes, Laszlo,
this night is for you.Copy !req
79. Just look at this crowd!Copy !req
80. We gathered allCopy !req
81. the people that love you
into this one room.Copy !req
82. And then when we saw
all the empty chairs,Copy !req
83. we decided to take some randos
in off the street to fill them!Copy !req
84. So many illustrious guests
here on the dais tonight.Copy !req
85. And also Colin Robinson.Copy !req
86. You got me. I got got.Copy !req
87. Our neighbor Sean is here.Copy !req
88. - Hey-yo!
- Don't worry. We hypnotized himCopy !req
89. so he's not gonna remember
anything tomorrow.Copy !req
90. - Seanie.
- Seanie.Copy !req
91. I see the great Baron Afanas
is here this evening,Copy !req
92. restored to his original
splendor, thank goodness.Copy !req
93. For a couple of years,
the baron looked a lot likeCopy !req
94. if George Hamilton had had sex
with some pork rinds.Copy !req
95. - Hmm.
- I see that The Guide is also here.Copy !req
96. So, everyone, please join meCopy !req
97. in saluting the man of the hour,Copy !req
98. the one, the only
Laszlo Cravensworth.Copy !req
99. We've known each other
so many, many years, you know.Copy !req
100. We can practically finish
each other's hand jobs.Copy !req
101. Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
102. We are just getting started.
It is your roast.Copy !req
103. A one, a two,
a one, two, three, four.Copy !req
104. It's Laszlo's roast.Copy !req
105. - It is his...
- Roast.Copy !req
106. - It's Laszlo's...
- Roast!Copy !req
107. We'll be back right after this.Copy !req
108. If you think
the missionary position involvesCopy !req
109. lying on top of a missionary,Copy !req
110. you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!Copy !req
111. If the first thingCopy !req
112. you look for
in a woman is your dick,Copy !req
113. you might just be...Copy !req
114. a Laszlo Cravensworth!Copy !req
115. Hey!Copy !req
116. If you think ejaculating
onto the pillow countsCopy !req
117. as "cooking your wife dinner,"
you might just be...Copy !req
118. A Laszlo Cravensworth.Copy !req
119. Women can be funny.Copy !req
120. Ooh.Copy !req
121. Some describe LaszloCopy !req
122. as a man of arts and letters.Copy !req
123. I can think of a couple
of letters to describe Laszlo.Copy !req
124. "F" and "W."Copy !req
125. Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."Copy !req
126. Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and...Copy !req
127. I think I'm just goingCopy !req
128. to tell a story.Copy !req
129. A story called
"The Aristocrats."Copy !req
130. Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed
to say the name till the end.Copy !req
131. Forget I said the name of it.Copy !req
132. Um, anyway, a father,
a mother, a sonCopy !req
133. and a daughter walk
into a talent agent's office.Copy !req
134. And the... the father says,Copy !req
135. "Boy, have I got an act
for you!"Copy !req
136. Uh, and the talent agent says,
"Well, let's see it then."Copy !req
137. Oh, and-and
there's a... a dog.Copy !req
138. Uh, the family dog.
That's important to note.Copy !req
139. Up next, we have a manCopy !req
140. who knows more about roasting
than his beloved Arby's.Copy !req
141. - Hmm?
- When this guy starts roasting a vampire,Copy !req
142. you better bring a bun,
and also some ketchup.Copy !req
143. I don't get it.Copy !req
144. I did whisper
to the baron thatCopy !req
145. it was Guillermo
who opened the doorCopy !req
146. that let the sun come in to burn
his body into bits, you know,Copy !req
147. a few years ago becauseCopy !req
148. he didn't know
what the joke was.Copy !req
149. And I was trying to help him,
'cause being left out of a joke,Copy !req
150. it sucks.Copy !req
151. So give it up for an expertCopy !req
152. on raking 'em over the coals,Copy !req
153. or should I say the foyer rug...Copy !req
154. Okay, okay. Thank you.Copy !req
155. And then I did also mentionCopy !req
156. that Guillermo had
Van Helsing lineage.Copy !req
157. That one just slipped out.Copy !req
158. So, we are all here tonight
to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.Copy !req
159. Cravensworth? I'm more like,Copy !req
160. Cravensworth-less.Copy !req
161. Might I say a word or two?Copy !req
162. Yes, absolutely, Baron.
Please vacateCopy !req
163. the microphone for the baron.
Please welcome a manCopy !req
164. who knows quite a lot
about... sick burns.Copy !req
165. Baron Afanas.Copy !req
166. Look at this festive assembly.Copy !req
167. All of us,
gathered here together,Copy !req
168. chuckling at jokes
and silliness.Copy !req
169. And jackanapery.Copy !req
170. I guess there's only one thing
left to say.Copy !req
171. What is this shit?Copy !req
172. Very good.Copy !req
173. You call yourselves vampires?Copy !req
174. Bah. This entire evening
has been nothing butCopy !req
175. a pageant of insipid nonsense.Copy !req
176. Yes.Copy !req
177. Worshipping at the altar
of your own mediocre frivolity.Copy !req
178. A jester's hollow dance.Copy !req
179. And who is laughing?Copy !req
180. Yeah!Copy !req
181. Vampires are supposed to haveCopy !req
182. blood orgies
and slaughter circles.Copy !req
183. Gah! You have all gone soft.Copy !req
184. You even invited humans
to this asinine affair.Copy !req
185. All right, you know what?
Sean is cool.Copy !req
186. He's a good time.
I take that one back.Copy !req
187. But everything else is
an embarrassmentCopy !req
188. to the very word "vampire."Copy !req
189. Baron, we just wereCopy !req
190. trying to, you know,
cheer up Laszlo a bit.Copy !req
191. He just hasn't
been himself lately.Copy !req
192. Vampires do not need
cheering up!Copy !req
193. We vampiresCopy !req
194. are not cheerful creatures.Copy !req
195. We sit, and we brood,
for centuries on end,Copy !req
196. plotting the demise of our foes
and innocent bystanders alike!Copy !req
197. Oh, okay, I guess we didn't reallyCopy !req
198. - see it like that—
- Uh!Copy !req
199. And the worst part?Copy !req
200. I find out only tonightCopy !req
201. that you have all been keepingCopy !req
202. secrets around here,
have you not?Copy !req
203. For years, I now know
that you have been harboringCopy !req
204. a vampire killer...Copy !req
205. right here
under your own roof...Copy !req
206. Uh...Copy !req
207. who, in fact,
tried to kill me.Copy !req
208. What? What vampire—Copy !req
209. Do not insult my intelligence!Copy !req
210. So, vampire killer.Copy !req
211. Do you have anything
to say for yourself?Copy !req
212. Well, I, uh—Copy !req
213. It doesn't matter
what you have to say! Seize him!Copy !req
214. Run!Copy !req
215. Baron, show him mercy!Copy !req
216. Let us give you
the very simple explanation!Copy !req
217. - Guillermo.
- Guillermo.Copy !req
218. Are-are you o—Copy !req
219. - Behind you.
- What?Copy !req
220. - Ooh.
- Laszlo?Copy !req
221. - Laszlo!
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
222. Baron, stop!Copy !req
223. - It was just a mix-em-up!
- A whoopsie-daisy!Copy !req
224. Stay out of this!Copy !req
225. Gah!Copy !req
226. - Don't film this.
- Okay.Copy !req
227. - Hey, guys.
- Not now!Copy !req
228. Oh, I just wanted
to take a quick momentCopy !req
229. to apologize
for telling the baronCopy !req
230. that it was Guillermo
who burned him to a crisp.Copy !req
231. - Not now.
- That's on me.Copy !req
232. - Are you done?
- Sorry.Copy !req
233. You know what, Nandor? I think
let's just sit this one out.Copy !req
234. Let them two sort it out
between themselves.Copy !req
235. Hmm?Copy !req
236. Ah...Copy !req
237. You are forgetting that
Guillermo is a vampire killer.Copy !req
238. Which means he could kill
the baron.Copy !req
239. We are direct descendants
of the baron's vampiric line,Copy !req
240. which means we would all die.Copy !req
241. Maybe it wouldn't be
such a bad thingCopy !req
242. - if we ended up dying?
- Wh... Are you okay?Copy !req
243. Yeah.Copy !req
244. I've just been going
through a lot lately.Copy !req
245. So... Fine.Copy !req
246. if we want to live, then yes,
I do have a plan.Copy !req
247. Guillermo?Copy !req
248. Nadja, anything?Copy !req
249. No!Copy !req
250. No sign of Gizmo or the baron.Copy !req
251. Wait. Hang on. Hey!Copy !req
252. Come here, you little shit!Copy !req
253. Shit.Copy !req
254. - What?
- I got him!Copy !req
255. Meet me out front!Copy !req
256. She's got him! I'm coming!Copy !req
257. - You got Guillermo?
- No. The baron.Copy !req
258. Are you telling me
Baron Afanas cannot fightCopy !req
259. his way out of a burlap sack?Copy !req
260. I think he's injured.Copy !req
261. We had quite the scuffle
in there.Copy !req
262. How badly is he hurt?Copy !req
263. - There you are.
- Because if he dies...Copy !req
264. - Yes, we know.
- Oh, shut up, Guillermo.Copy !req
265. Guillermo, help me.Copy !req
266. These two imbeciles,
they are trying to kill me.Copy !req
267. You know, if you help
the baron, he might forgive you.Copy !req
268. Yeah. Okay, Baron.
I want to help you.Copy !req
269. - But you have to promise not to hurt me.
- Yes.Copy !req
270. - I promise. Please.
- Okay, then.Copy !req
271. Let's just get you out of here.
You're gonna be safe.Copy !req
272. And...Copy !req
273. All right, dudes.Copy !req
274. Now what?Copy !req
275. Yoo-hoo?Copy !req
276. Baron?Copy !req
277. We've got the little
motherfucker, Baron!Copy !req
278. Nicely done.Copy !req
279. And now? Leave him to me.Copy !req
280. Baron, we ask that you show
Guillermo mercy.Copy !req
281. No! Ow.Copy !req
282. What is the meaning of this?Copy !req
283. - Sorry.
- Terribly.Copy !req
284. So,
to review again, Baron...Copy !req
285. - Mm-hmm.
- ... you agree thatCopy !req
286. when Guillermo opened the doorCopy !req
287. and fried you by the sun,Copy !req
288. he did not know that you were
inside at the time?Copy !req
289. I do.Copy !req
290. Great. And, Guillermo,Copy !req
291. you accept,
even though it was an accident,Copy !req
292. that the baron has every right
to be very madCopy !req
293. at the fact that
he got fried by the sun?Copy !req
294. I-I do.Copy !req
295. I will accept your apology
if you will acceptCopy !req
296. the fact that I'm still
going to kill you.Copy !req
297. - What? No. No.
- Guillermo, he is tryingCopy !req
298. - to meet you in the middle here.
- Come on.Copy !req
299. It's like he doesn't even want
this to be resolved.Copy !req
300. By my killing him.Copy !req
301. No, I do want this
to be resolved, but—Copy !req
302. Okay, you know what?
Let's take a hard five.Copy !req
303. Guillermo, I will take a carafe
of your finest blood.Copy !req
304. Ah, yes. Okay.
I will fetch.Copy !req
305. Baron Afanas?Copy !req
306. Yes, snake?Copy !req
307. I can't help
my vampire hunter lineage,Copy !req
308. but I want you to know
that I have renounced it.Copy !req
309. And how did you do this?Copy !req
310. Guillermo?
This is dangerous territory.Copy !req
311. I...Copy !req
312. got turned into a vampire.Copy !req
313. You...Copy !req
314. are a vampire?Copy !req
315. Guillermo is a vampire?
Did everybody else know this?Copy !req
316. Delicious. Ah!Copy !req
317. Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse
betrayal of your own kind.Copy !req
318. Oh, I like it a lot.Copy !req
319. And kudos to Nandor.Copy !req
320. Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,Copy !req
321. a vampire killer,
into a vampire?Copy !req
322. Oh! Oh, that is a big get.Copy !req
323. I must congratulate him
when he returns.Copy !req
324. Well, see, that's the thing.Copy !req
325. It wasn't Nandor that turned me.Copy !req
326. What?Copy !req
327. Oh, it was that vampire
named Derek.Copy !req
328. How could you do such a thing?Copy !req
329. I've just been
waiting for this a long time,Copy !req
330. and yeah,
it's still a bit sticky, but—Copy !req
331. Oh, "sticky"?Copy !req
332. I think it is a bit more
than just "sticky."Copy !req
333. It is a devastation.
A violation.Copy !req
334. A humiliation!Copy !req
335. A shame from which neither you
nor Nandor shall ever recover.Copy !req
336. I know, I know, and that's
exactly why I haven't told him.Copy !req
337. And I would appreciate it
if none of youCopy !req
338. tell him, either.Copy !req
339. You know me,
I'm-I'm like a vault...Copy !req
340. with stuff.Copy !req
341. Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell
anyone anything.Copy !req
342. In fact, I'd very much likeCopy !req
343. to be excluded
from this narrative.Copy !req
344. Me, too. I should go.Copy !req
345. Guillermo, you and I?
We are good.Copy !req
346. - Oh.
- You all have much graver mattersCopy !req
347. to discuss here,Copy !req
348. and I want no part of
what might transpire if—Copy !req
349. Here we go!
Blood for the vampires.Copy !req
350. - Baron.
- Mm.Copy !req
351. And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.Copy !req
352. - Thank you.
- So, what did I miss?Copy !req
353. Mm?Copy !req
354. Oh, Guillermo and I haveCopy !req
355. called a truce.Copy !req
356. A truce? So, you are not
killing him, then?Copy !req
357. Well, I will not be the oneCopy !req
358. to take this
familiar's life tonight.Copy !req
359. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
360. Good to hear.Copy !req
361. So good, in fact,
I propose a toast.Copy !req
362. To the baron, to Guillermo,Copy !req
363. to the work
we have achieved tonight.Copy !req
364. Cheers!Copy !req
365. - Oh, that's sweet.
- May I?Copy !req
366. Mm.Copy !req
367. If I could have a moment
alone with Guillermo?Copy !req
368. - Alone.
- Mm.Copy !req
369. Yeah, no, please.Copy !req
370. - Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes, thank you, Baron.Copy !req
371. Thank you.Copy !req
372. Guillermo, vampire to vampire...Copy !req
373. A secret like this,Copy !req
374. it will not stay hidden forever.Copy !req
375. It is best that
Nandor hears it from you.Copy !req
376. - I know.
- Mm.Copy !req
377. But...Copy !req
378. what do you think he'll do?Copy !req
379. Probably kill you.Copy !req
380. Then himself.Copy !req
381. That is what I would do.Copy !req
382. - Right.
- Mm.Copy !req
383. You know, it's funny,
I did all this becauseCopy !req
384. I want to be a vampire,
a great vampire.Copy !req
385. - Like Nandor, like you.
- Oh...Copy !req
386. Your heart is
in the right place, my boy.Copy !req
387. And please know
that I am rooting for you, hmm?Copy !req
388. - To not get killed.
- Oh. Thank you.Copy !req
389. - But... these things happen.
- Well, I hope not.Copy !req
390. Can't afford another accident
on my watch.Copy !req
391. No! No!Copy !req
392. - Guillermo, no! No, no!
- Ah, no!Copy !req
393. Well, things were almost okay.Copy !req
394. But now, not so much.Copy !req
395. As soon as the sun sets
and the baron is awoken,Copy !req
396. he is going to track
Guillermo down until he isCopy !req
397. very much, well...Copy !req
398. - Dead.
- Shut up.Copy !req
399. I'm sure he will be safe.Copy !req
400. And dead.Copy !req
401. Sunset approaches.Copy !req
402. Is it me, or does he look like
a shriveled-up nutsack?Copy !req
403. - Laszlo? Any ideas?
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.Copy !req
404. Oh, good evening.Copy !req
405. - Baron, listen. Guillermo is—
- Oh, where was I?Copy !req
406. Ah, yes.
About to kill Guillermo, yes.Copy !req
407. Baron, I... I beg mercy.Copy !req
408. I know that Guillermo has made
some mistakes.Copy !req
409. He nearly killed you twice.Copy !req
410. - Mm.
- And he's even massacredCopy !req
411. an entire theater of vampires.Copy !req
412. Wait, what?Copy !req
413. But he did so
to defend his master.Copy !req
414. Whatever Guillermo's
flaws may be,Copy !req
415. he has always been loyal to me.Copy !req
416. - Has he?
- Yes, Baron.Copy !req
417. Mm...Copy !req
418. Has he, though?Copy !req
419. Yes, Baron, he has.Copy !req
420. You are certain of—Copy !req
421. Yes! I-I am.Copy !req
422. Well, I would just say
it is complicated,Copy !req
423. but we can discuss this further
after I kill him, yes?Copy !req
424. Now, where would he run?Copy !req
425. I will need Guillermo's scent.Copy !req
426. I say, Baron,Copy !req
427. if you're looking for Gizmo,
he's not here.Copy !req
428. You'll find him
in the toolshed.Copy !req
429. That's where he goes
to hide and wank.Copy !req
430. Thank you.Copy !req
431. Why would you say that?Copy !req
432. Well, why delay the inevitable?Copy !req
433. Plus, I was sick of
hearing you lot waffle on.Copy !req
434. If you'll excuse me...Copy !req
435. Guillermo!Copy !req
436. Well, at least he died
doing what he loved:Copy !req
437. beating off in the toolshed.Copy !req
438. Oh...Copy !req
439. Oh, no.Copy !req
440. Oh...Copy !req
441. Okay, now I'm starting
to feel a little bad.Copy !req
442. But on the bright side,
he-he was just a familiar.Copy !req
443. He was not just a familiar.Copy !req
444. He was my bodyguard.Copy !req
445. He was the best man
at my wedding.Copy !req
446. He was my friend.Copy !req
447. Okay, yes, yes.
It is all very sad.Copy !req
448. But I think we should now
get him in the groundCopy !req
449. before he starts to stink.Copy !req
450. Laszlo, can you come
and help carry this, please?Copy !req
451. - That's not Gizmo.
- What do you mean it's not Gizmo?Copy !req
452. What I mean is...Copy !req
453. it's not Gizmo.Copy !req
454. - What are you doing?
- Stand aside.Copy !req
455. Laszlo,
what are you doing?Copy !req
456. Laszlo, I do not think
we need to eat him.Copy !req
457. Ooh, yeesh!Copy !req
458. Stop that! Stop that!Copy !req
459. Eesh.Copy !req
460. Does Gizmo have gills?Copy !req
461. - You mean lungs?
- I mean gills.Copy !req
462. So he can breathe underwater.Copy !req
463. And does he have
an amphibious egg sac?Copy !req
464. - Maybe?
- He never said. Uh... I never asked.Copy !req
465. He wore a lot of layers.Copy !req
466. It was hard to see what was
going on under all that.Copy !req
467. - Oh!
- Oh!Copy !req
468. Why do his eyes look like that?Copy !req
469. It's not Gizmo.
It's a byproduct ofCopy !req
470. my scientific experimentation
gone awry.Copy !req
471. So, where is
the real Guillermo, then?Copy !req
472. Fucked if I know.
Excuse me, my darling.Copy !req
473. - Hmm?
- Ah, you know what?Copy !req
474. I will let him go.Copy !req
475. After all of that?Copy !req
476. I was going on and on
about all of youCopy !req
477. and how you've gone soft.Copy !req
478. Deep down...Copy !req
479. it is I who have gone soft.Copy !req
480. - What?
- No.Copy !req
481. - Ridiculous.
- Let us be candid here.Copy !req
482. I live in the suburbs of
New Jersey.Copy !req
483. In a two-bedroom craftsmanCopy !req
484. with a breakfast nook.Copy !req
485. - Oh, hello.
- None of my neighborsCopy !req
486. live in fear of me.Copy !req
487. I have a dog.Copy !req
488. A hellhound, but I get it.Copy !req
489. Good boy.Copy !req
490. But what about the Sire?Copy !req
491. Two ancient legendary vampires.Copy !req
492. At this point,
we are more like roommatesCopy !req
493. than roommates
who viciously murder humansCopy !req
494. together, you know?Copy !req
495. It can be lonely,
this American dream.Copy !req
496. What the fuck is that?Copy !req
497. - Laszlo!
- What is it now?Copy !req
498. Huh. Well,
that one's clearly pregnant.Copy !req
499. It's hard to believe
I'll never see Guillermo again.Copy !req
500. I hope he is okay out there.Copy !req
501. Pretty sure I told him
to dust in here.Copy !req
502. Fly like the wind,
my little friend.Copy !req
503. Guillermo! You're here.Copy !req
504. I just figured this would beCopy !req
505. the last place
the Baron would look.Copy !req
506. - Is he still looking?
- No, no. But hang on.Copy !req
507. We've had one mix-up
already today.Copy !req
508. How do I know
you are the real Guillermo?Copy !req
509. Master, it's me.Copy !req
510. What is Guillermo's last name?Copy !req
511. De La Cruz.Copy !req
512. But I doubt I'm the only one
who would know that.Copy !req
513. You'd be surprised, but fine.
It's a gimme.Copy !req
514. How does Guillermo do my hair
on formal occasions?Copy !req
515. - Half up, half down.
- Also known as...?Copy !req
516. Half down, half up?Copy !req
517. Ah, so close.Copy !req
518. I was looking for
"Saratoga split."Copy !req
519. The Saratoga Split.Copy !req
520. - I should have known that one.
- Last one.Copy !req
521. The first day that
Guillermo became my familiar,Copy !req
522. he gave me a card.Copy !req
523. What did that card say?Copy !req
524. It said...Copy !req
525. "To be a vampire is my dream.Copy !req
526. "But to be your familiarCopy !req
527. "will be my honor.Copy !req
528. Thank you for this opportunity."Copy !req
529. Close enough.Copy !req
530. Okay, you're the real Guillermo.
Excuse me.Copy !req
531. I can't believe
you remember that.Copy !req
532. We have a long history, Guillermo.Copy !req
533. I imagine that I know you better
than almost anyone.Copy !req
534. Enough to know when you have
been keeping a little secret...Copy !req
535. from me? Hmm?Copy !req
536. Is there something
you'd like to tell me?Copy !req
537. I... I d—Copy !req
538. You made a fart in my coffin,
didn't you?Copy !req
539. I made a fart
in your coffin.Copy !req
540. See? I know you better
than anyone. Boop.Copy !req
541. So it seems that
everything worked out?Copy !req
542. Kind of?Copy !req
543. To be honest,
I can't really keep track ofCopy !req
544. whatever the fuck
is going on around here.Copy !req
545. But I did find a new home forCopy !req
546. these disgusting
little Guillermo toads,Copy !req
547. so there's that.Copy !req
548. As you can see, I came home
from Staten IslandCopy !req
549. with a bit more than just
a charred-up body.Copy !req
550. Vampire says, "Freeze."Copy !req
551. This charming litter of mutants.Copy !req
552. Show your fangs.Copy !req
553. I did not say, "Vampire says!"Copy !req
554. It's given the Sire and meCopy !req
555. so much that we can do together.Copy !req
556. And thanks to Guillermo,Copy !req
557. for the first time
in a long time...Copy !req
558. Hello.Copy !req
559. I am terrifying again.Copy !req
560. I suppose
with the right company,Copy !req
561. it can be beautiful,
this eternal existence.Copy !req
562. Eh. Not all of them make it.Copy !req
563. I just wish you would
talk to me, Laszlo.Copy !req
564. Yes, yes.
Very good, thank you.Copy !req
565. I mean,
is it something I've done?Copy !req
566. Is this hex thatCopy !req
567. I've been cursed with
that hangs all around meCopy !req
568. made me, in your eyes,
like an uggo or something?Copy !req
569. Oh, yes! That's it.Copy !req
570. - What's it?
- Despite the frequent interruptions,Copy !req
571. I've been sat here
trying to decideCopy !req
572. if I should organize my booksCopy !req
573. alphabetically by author,
or by title.Copy !req
574. But you've been sat here
for three weeks.Copy !req
575. Time well-spent, I think.
And I've decided—Copy !req
576. you'd be pleased to know—
author.Copy !req
577. First thought, best thought.Copy !req
578. Have I missed anything good?Copy !req
579. No!Copy !req
580. This guy.Copy !req