What We Do in the Shadows 5x7

1. As you know,

2. Gizmo is in a perpetual twilight...

3. between being a human and a vampire.

4. "Not a human, not yet a vampire,"

5. to paraphrase one of your contemporary

6. musical troubadours.

7. Now, I've turned my attention to isolating

8. the genetic marker which is slowing his transformation.

9. It's a very complex scientific procedure

10. where I mix his DNA

11. with the DNA of stray animals

12. just to see what shakes.

13. So, I began by fusing him with a swine.

14. All very good.

15. And a frog— Frog not so happy,

16. but it's just a frog.

17. This beaker for the dog,

18. and this one for you.

19. - Mm. - Oh, shit.

20. I just realized I got those the wrong way around.

21. - My mistake. - What do you mean, that—

22. That's a big mistake. Am I gonna be okay?

23. You'll be fine. I just need another urine sample.

24. - Urine sample? For— - To refill the beakers.

25. - Ha-ha! - Laszlo's been in there for three days

26. - and three nights now. - Success!

27. I think he's on the verge of a breakthrough.

28. Aw, shit.

29. Well?

30. I don't know how to put this lightly,

31. but you're fucked.

32. And while we're being blunt,

33. you are what the scientific community

34. refer to as a lost cause with no hope whatsoever.

35. So... that's it? You're just gonna give up on me?

36. I'm not gonna give up on you,

37. I'm gonna give up on the experiments.

38. And I'd like you to do one thing for me.

39. Anything. Whatever you want.

40. What are those?

41. Those— well, they're just some of the results

42. of my experiments with your DNA.

43. Kill them.

44. These are words for "money"

45. in America.

46. So I have been teaching a class

47. in Little Antipaxos on

48. assimilating to America.

49. I have been helping them master everyday skills

50. such as language proficiency.

51. Whoa! Hey, I'm walkin' here!

52. Learn better driving etiquette, you piece of shit!

53. I just spilled my coffee!

54. Write it down.

55. Typical American industries.

56. Films, newspapers, beef.

57. Write it down.

58. And I told them the words

59. to the colonial patriot hymn,

60. which is the song of the nation.

61. Also,

62. a very important day, which is

63. the annual turkey sacrifice.

64. Okay, so, welcome to Thanksgiving.

65. When we are not eating we are paying respects

66. to the bird— touching it, blowing it kisses.

67. Keeping very low, on three.

68. One, two, three.

69. And then acknowledge the onion.

70. It all started when The Guide discovered a new detail

71. about this ancient hex that's been ruining my life.

72. Give me that.

73. "For those you've burned, you must atone."

74. And that's when I figured it out.

75. So, back in my Antipaxos, there was only

76. one school that everyone went to.

77. School wasn't easy for anyone, but especially not me.

78. All the other children said I was too noisy,

79. so I was always made to sit outside.

80. And then one day,

81. somebody burned down the school.

82. And that person was me.

83. Nobody died, but no one ever learned

84. anything ever again.

85. My fellow villagers

86. never forgave me.

87. Which is why I believe doing a school

88. for my fellow little Antipaxons will maybe be a way

89. to reverse this motherfucking hex!

90. - Whose... - These freaks of nature

91. are a result of my DNA recombinations.

92. In layman's terms, they're tiny Gizmos.

93. Created for the diagnosis of your vampiratus interruptus.

94. These creatures are-are me?

95. Pretty much, yeah, I mean,

96. you can tell by the irritating way in which they behave.

97. Get the fuck off.

98. That one there

99. came from one of your stool samples and a pig.

100. This one, from a cheek swab and a dog.

101. And I believe you've met these chaps before.

102. - Oof. - Ugh.

103. - Do we have to kill them? - I'm afraid so.

104. Their continuous existence is too painful reminder

105. of my failings as a scientist.

106. Ah, and that one— now that's a complete mistake.

107. Some wool from one of your hideous sweaters

108. got in the petri dish,

109. and there you go. But between you and I,

110. kill that one first.

111. In conclusion, the two steps to creating a bank account are

112. one, go to bank, two, open account.

113. Write that down.

114. - Ooh, ooh! - Ooh.

115. I asked Nandor and Colin Robinson

116. to come with me on the first day because

117. I didn't want the class to look too empty.

118. But now I cannot get those two tits to leave.

119. It's not the best school class

120. I've ever attended,

121. even though it's the only one.

122. How was your weekend?

123. Same old, same old.

124. I hear that, asshole.

125. I thought we'd learn more

126. about history, like warriors

127. and killing and pillaging,

128. but I guess we got to get through the boring stuff first.

129. I used to audit a lot of night school

130. classes. Fiction writing, mostly. I once

131. did a poem that I titled

132. An Ode to My Father's Masculinity.

133. Easy drain.

134. How many people did you have sex with this weekend?

135. - Seven. - One.

136. No! Water cooler does not talk.

137. Write that down.

138. Oh, so stupid. I give up.

139. I'm starting to think that

140. maybe I'm not very good at this.

141. No, I... I can't.

142. I can't do this. I can't

143. hurt an innocent creature... Ew.

144. Get off, get off, get off.

145. I could just probably call an exterminator

146. or animal control because, technically,

147. you are vermin, so...

148. Wow, you do look like me.

149. Is teaching

150. actually going to help me

151. lift this fucking hex?

152. You are struggling.

153. Oh, fantastic. Another disgruntled student.

154. You have a troubled energy about you.

155. A dark presence looms.

156. Do you know about the hex?

157. Ever since you have come here, you have brought with you

158. a very dark, spectral

159. specter.

160. It's like a hex, if you will.

161. And what is your name,

162. crispy, old, wizened crone?

163. Oh, my name's Helen.

164. Hel— Oh, just Helen. That's it. Just Helen?

165. - Helen the Magic Woman. - And you can help me

166. rid myself of this disgusting hex?

167. Yes.

168. I am so sorry, class, but something has come up.

169. Colin, Nandor, one of you is the teacher now! Go!

170. - I can't say I am surprised - I am the teacher

171. - by this turn of events. - and you will listen to me now.

172. - I have been known to, - I am an expert in—

173. um...

174. Okay.

175. I think I have gotten this.

176. A gray egg from a red turkey,

177. a petal of wolfsbane...

178. Magic can be a very

179. strange and confusing thing,

180. which is why I do not fuck with it.

181. a snake's nose...

182. But if this sorceress

183. can fix me, then hell yes, I'm all in.

184. Is there anything else you require for this magic potion?

185. I will need an eye of newt,

186. a black cat's whisker

187. and a chocolate glazed from the Dunkin' on Forest Avenue.

188. What is this, uh,

189. an enchanted forest or something?

190. It is a pastry shop.

191. - Oh. - They sell what in these modern times

192. are called doughnuts.

193. A doughnut?

194. - Why would you need a doughnut? - Normally,

195. I would require you to retrieve the sweetest flower

196. - from the peak of Mount Juktas. - Oh.

197. But honestly, it tastes a lot like a doughnut, so...

198. I'll get on with this. Goodbye, hex.

199. Come on, get inside. Let's go. Okay.

200. No, I don't know what the next step is,

201. but it's definitely not killing them.

202. Maybe to the zoo?

203. Uh... the park? I could drop you guys at the park, huh?

204. A good run in the park would do me a world of good.

205. You can talk.

206. Many of us can. I apologize

207. for not telling you sooner, I just

208. didn't want to...

209. shock you.

210. A question: what is the most important

211. knowledge...

212. one can possess?

213. History.

214. And where did human history begin?

215. The great empire of Al Qolnidar rose to power

216. in what the Western world calls 1262.

217. But we're gonna forget about that

218. and just call it the year O.

219. Whatever, man. History is subjective.

220. I mean, teach what you want,

221. but just know that history

222. is written by the oppressors.

223. One of the biggest and most

224. commonly-used energy drains imaginable

225. is being

226. the cool teacher.

227. I used to have a bumper sticker that said,

228. "I rather be reading Bukowski."

229. It was pretty rad.

230. Uh, I have a little gift for you guys.

231. Some condoms.

232. I want you guys to be healthy out there.

233. You don't have to be in love to wear the glove.

234. - Right, Lorraine? - Colin Robinson

235. has tricked my pupils into thinking

236. that they are learning.

237. Meanwhile, I have not heard the word "history"

238. or Al Qolnidar mentioned once.

239. Let me tell you about Hamlet.

240. A prince of a castle.

241. You wince, but his hassle

242. was the death of... his daddy.

243. A baddy? No.

244. But sad he was

245. when the lad said, "Egad,"

246. a prince driven mad, ya boy got had.

247. What is even worse is that he keeps sitting up

248. on the desk with his legs crossed

249. so that everyone can see his nut

250. hanging out his short.

251. You can talk?

252. You're, like, real people?

253. Why didn't you tell me you could talk?

254. I guess we can be shy sometimes.

255. What, you open up to people right off the bat?

256. Well, no, not usually, I guess I take a second,

257. yeah, but—

258. - I made an oopsie, Daddy. - No, no one's Daddy.

259. But Daddy Gemerno,

260. - the oopsie is getting bad. - Oh, shit.

261. Ugh, what'd you eat?

262. Uh, listen, Daddy, I kind of

263. - made the froggie pregnant. - What?

264. - I want raw meat. - Da-da, my oopsie's really bad.

265. - Da-da. - What's the plan, Daddy?

266. - Come on! - I want to go outside.

267. Shh, shh, shh, shh! Stop talking. I got to think, I got to think.

268. Laszlo wants me to, you know, get rid of you.

269. What means "get rid of"?

270. - Um... - Our elders spoke of a prophecy

271. of the one true Guillermo who saves us.

272. What are you talking about? Elders? Who-who are your elders?

273. He was born 15 minutes before me.

274. Hello, young one.

275. - Rest easy, all. Guillermo will save us. - Daddy, Daddy.

276. - Ain't that right, Daddy? - I don't want to die.

277. Shh! Stop, stop, stop, stop talking.

278. Fine. I'll save you.

279. - Yeah! - Thank you, Daddy.

280. - But you can't tell Laszlo, okay? - Agreed.

281. Is this all of you guys?

282. - Where's-where's Binky? - Who?

283. Binky's the most fragile among us.

284. He lives in the koi pond.

285. Find him, Guillermo.

286. Okay, fine, I'll find him. I'll find Binky.

287. And you're all gonna stay put

288. a-and not make a noise.

289. All right?

290. Do not think your bravery will go unnoticed.

291. See her? This fetching bitch

292. is my beautiful daughter.

293. - You may lay with her. - No, I'm good.

294. - I'm gonna take this gun. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

295. - We love you, Daddy. - I'll be back.

296. Daddy!

297. Helen, I'm home!

298. So, I think I got everything.

299. One monkey paw.

300. - Great... - Tears on a woman's love letter.

301. Oh. Okay, so we're going straight for the doughnut.

302. Oh, I'm so sorry, they only had

303. vanilla glazed with rainbow sprinkles.

304. What am I supposed to do with this?

305. Could you not use that for your

306. magic potion?

307. Has to be chocolate or...

308. You think I can put this in my big bowl?

309. Do you mean a cauldron?

310. Yes. That is the word.

311. You're gonna have to go back out.

312. Of course, yes.

313. And why don't you also grab me

314. three Boston creams,

315. three chocolate glazed, four jelly

316. and five glazed crullers.

317. - What else? - Do you think you might want

318. more of witchy, spooky stuff?

319. Uh, maybe, after we get the Dunkin' sorted.

320. I don't know much about hexes

321. or how to get rid of them, obviously.

322. Maybe the doughnut is something to do with the circle of life?

323. Also, Helen said she had this magic wand

324. for thousands of years.

325. But I'm pretty sure I saw her go outside

326. and pick up a stick from the ground.

327. - It was, like, a "crullan." - Cruller.

328. - "Crewlour." - Cr-uller.

329. "Crew-row-row... row-row-ler."

330. Close enough.

331. What the fuck... Gizmo? What are you

332. doing in there— are you wanking?

333. - No! What? - Well, I wouldn't judge you if you were.

334. I wank in there all the time. 30 minutes ago, to be precise.

335. No. Actually, I'm trying to catch one of your abominations.

336. Listen, I understand this kind of thing

337. is not for the faint of heart.

338. So if you don't have the balls for it,

339. - I don't mind stepping in. - No.

340. - I-I have the balls for it. - Good.

341. - Get out of my shed. - Oh, you're gonna go and...

342. - And wank. - Yeah.

343. - Yes! - Okay.

344. - And shut the door. - Shut the door.

345. Okay.

346. Binky.

347. Hey, buddy. Come on.

348. Come on.

349. Whoa, Nelly!

350. Daddy, what is "wank"?

351. Uh, just a second.

352. I almost have it.

353. Oh, I'm in the wrong spot.

354. Hold on.

355. There.

356. So, what did we just learn about sound waves?

357. Yeah. Lenore.

358. When will learn about, uh,

359. starting mortgage?

360. Right after I play

361. "Nightswimming" by R.E.M.

362. - Uh, let's see— - Colin Robinson,

363. what are we doing outside?

364. Having class on the quad, man.

365. Kind of a college tradition.

366. I catch your drift, though.

367. How about we get the old blood pumpin'

368. with some hacky sack?

369. That's not cool.

370. We are going to the history museum.

371. - Who's with me? - Museum? Is inside?

372. Yes. Very much so. Follow me!

373. - Oh. - Who here has seen Garden State?

374. There's a song in it that I'd love for you guys

375. to listen to by The Shins.

376. This is from the Dunkin'

377. on Forest and Broadway. I said it must be

378. - Forest and South. - What? How can you even tell?

379. Hello! I'm a magic woman. I can tell everything.

380. I will need a dozen more

381. from the Forest and South location.

382. Are you kidding me?

383. How many donuts do you need, lady?

384. Oh!

385. Oh, Magic Woman, what is happening?

386. Oh, the hex. It grows more powerful

387. with each passing moment.

388. - Oh, no. - Oh, you must fetch me one last thing.

389. Yes, yes, anything.

390. A dozen powdered Munchkins.

391. Powder represents the ashes of your ancestors.

392. I will get you a dozen powdered Munchkins.

393. Stay with me, Helen!

394. Oh.

395. Piss!

396. What are you doing? Come on!

397. And you will not call the police about us

398. being here while the museum is closed.

399. The entire history of Staten Island!

400. - Look at this. - This is a recreation

401. of the 19th century immigrant experience,

402. based on old travel chests

403. that were never claimed from the customs house.

404. This fellow is wearing traditional

405. Al-Qolnidarian gown.

406. This is exactly the kind of outfit I wore

407. on my journey to America.

408. And I do so love

409. that this is from the immigrant's perspective.

410. So accurate, down to the underwear.

411. Those look very much like a pair I used to own.

412. Wait a minute.

413. Those are a pair I used to own!

414. How did these fuckers get my stuff?

415. Donut wench, I need a dozen powdered Munchkins,

416. and make it quick.

417. - A hex is killing my friend. - Okey dokey.

418. $5.07 for the Munchkins,

419. and I'll ignore the other stuff.

420. Wait— Wait, hang on, that is her.

421. That is my friend. How do you know Helen?

422. Um, I guess I know her from, like,

423. harassing me and my co-workers.

424. That's mainly how.

425. Hang on. Helen Johnson?

426. I thought her name was Helen the Magic Woman.

427. Something here stinks of a snake's shit.

428. I have your Munchkins.

429. We need to have a little chat.

430. What is this? Why does it say Helen Johnson

431. when your name is Helen the Magic Woman?

432. I, um, never told you my full name,

433. which is Helen "the Magic" Johnson.

434. The hex is playing tricks on you.

435. This is textbook hex.

436. The solution is a strawb—

437. No! Ugh!

438. Wait!

439. You have no idea what it's like

440. to not be allowed back to the one place

441. you feel at home.

442. I do know what it is like

443. to be driven from the only place

444. you have ever called home,

445. just as I was driven out of my village.

446. It ain't great.

447. My hex may not have been lifted,

448. but with a little hypnosis,

449. at least Helen's has been.

450. Welcome home, sweet freak, Helen "the Magic" Johnson.

451. You "doughnut" need to be sad anymore.

452. "This immigrant probably came from a small village

453. "in the Near Middle East, one

454. "with a particularly weak army, based

455. on their inferior weaponry."

456. What? Those are my travel weapons.

457. "Also inside was a well-worn good-luck amulet.

458. "The Atlantic Crossing was terrifying to most uneducated

459. "travelers of the day, and they sought comfort

460. in superstitions—"

461. I was not terrified of shit.

462. And I don't even know what an amulet is.

463. That is a key chain given to me by my mommy.

464. It also says that the immigrant

465. was a talented writer.

466. - It does? - "Stories about sexual escapades

467. while flying in the sky."

468. That's right— sky fucking.

469. Glad to see they've acknowledged

470. some of the cool shit that I've done.

471. "It's a rare example of early erotic fiction."

472. Fiction? This is not fiction.

473. - This is my diary! - "It is likely that, unable

474. "to find a sexual partner,

475. "the immigrant bided his time imagining one.

476. "The crude and improbable descriptions

477. "of his intercourse

478. "furthermore suggests

479. - "this individual - Don't say it!

480. never had sex."

481. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

482. I know it's tough, Gizmo, but it must be done.

483. Steady thy hand and become death.

484. But wait till I'm gone. I don't want to be covered

485. in brains and shit.

486. Au revoir.

487. Bye.

488. Shh.

489. There we go.

490. Thank you so much, Guillermo.

491. Hey, no one's dying on my wa—

492. Oh!

493. No. No, drop it. Drop it!

494. Sorry about that.

495. Hello.

496. I thought you might want this

497. key ring that your mommy gave you.

498. I stole it from the museum.

499. Is this how history is going to remember me,

500. Colin Robinson,

501. if it is going to remember me at all?

502. Well, I also took the liberty

503. of rearranging the museum display.

504. "This immigrant was a very feared

505. "and very cool ancient warrior

506. "who set the world's record for having the most constant

507. - sexual intercourse"? - Sexual intercourse.

508. "Often while flying, and he was never scared of boat rides."

509. You're shitting me.

510. Whatever, you know? Uh, history is a construct.

511. Thank you, Colin Robinson.

512. You are not just a cool teacher.

513. You are also a cool friend.

514. Awkward moment.

515. Okay.

516. Just remember: never be seen by the staff.

517. - You're only safe with the old people. - Okay.

518. - I understand. - Yes, we understand.

519. So I just dropped them off at a retirement home

520. that my tía works at.

521. She's always saying the residents

522. are really lonely and love company.

523. - Who has B-1? B-1? - Yeah. B-1.

524. And it was super easy to get the paperwork

525. for an emotional support animal.

526. They'll be happy here,

527. I think.

528. I hope.

529. I decided to keep Binky because he's happy here.

530. Gizmo, what are you doing out there?

531. Having a wank?

532. Ah, good man. Carry on.

533. Hey, buddy.