1. Hey, dude, I don't remember
the password. Let me in.Copy !req
2. I think someone's following me.Copy !req
3. Who?Copy !req
4. Get in here.
It's the doc crew.Copy !req
5. You, too. Come on.Copy !req
6. When I ran away from Nandor,Copy !req
7. I didn't really know
where to go.Copy !req
8. Guillermo!Copy !req
9. So I just flew
for hours and hours.Copy !req
10. Which was a little cool becauseCopy !req
11. that was the longest
I've ever stayed a bat.Copy !req
12. But also not coolCopy !req
13. because I knew Nandor was tryingCopy !req
14. to track me down to kill me.Copy !req
15. Eventually, I just went
to Derek because...Copy !req
16. I had no one else to turn to.Copy !req
17. I've just been laying low,Copy !req
18. hiding for who knows how long.Copy !req
19. I wish they had Bravo here.Copy !req
20. I think there was a van
tailing me, they may have beenCopy !req
21. - tailing you, too.
- Derek, that was them.Copy !req
22. Whoa.Copy !req
23. - You guys are good. Respect.
- Derek, just promise meCopy !req
24. you haven't told anyone else
that I'm here.Copy !req
25. Guillermo, who would I tell?
Literally. My neighbor Chad?Copy !req
26. Because... yes, actually,
I did tell Chad.Copy !req
27. This is serious, okay?Copy !req
28. My master is actively
trying to kill me.Copy !req
29. Did you bring my meat?Copy !req
30. Yes, burgers, extra rare,
just like you asked.Copy !req
31. I tried hypnosis on the cashier
so I could get them for free.Copy !req
32. Turns out, I'm bad at it.Copy !req
33. So, um,
I don't know if you use VenmoCopy !req
34. or maybe you're a Zelle guy...Copy !req
35. These are not raw.Copy !req
36. I can taste that they've
kissed the grill, Derek.Copy !req
37. - Sup, bitch?
- What the hell are you doing here?Copy !req
38. Did anyone see you? Get inside.Copy !req
39. No, and it wouldn't
matter if they didCopy !req
40. because, hello,
I'm in disguise.Copy !req
41. Stop dancing, get inside.Copy !req
42. How did you find me?Copy !req
43. Your friend Derek told me
where you were hiding.Copy !req
44. I paid him a little visitCopy !req
45. earlier today, see?Copy !req
46. So, that was you.Copy !req
47. Who did you think it was?Copy !req
48. She told me her name
was Detective Policeman.Copy !req
49. That's funny.Copy !req
50. I'm gonna need you to do me
a favor, buddy.Copy !req
51. Can you go to the market and
get me some raw, raw meatCopy !req
52. and make sure you don't
tell anyone where I'm at.Copy !req
53. - Can you do that?
- Can do, can do.Copy !req
54. - Thank you, buddy.
- Okay, great.Copy !req
55. - Okay. Thanks so much.
- See you guys in a minute.Copy !req
56. Idiot.Copy !req
57. Guillermo. Sit.Copy !req
58. You simply cannot talk
to the vampire who turned youCopy !req
59. with such disrespect.Copy !req
60. That is a sacred relationship.Copy !req
61. You have to protect him.Copy !req
62. Like we protect the Baron
and the Sire.Copy !req
63. If anything was to happen
to that stupid man,Copy !req
64. the effects for you, my friend,
would be catastrophic.Copy !req
65. Yes.Copy !req
66. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
spoken to Derek like that.Copy !req
67. I'm just a little bit on edge
with the whole, you know—Copy !req
68. Nandor trying to kill you thing.Copy !req
69. - Awkward.
- Which, by the way, um...Copy !req
70. Any progress on that end?Copy !req
71. Uh, yeah, um, a little.Copy !req
72. - You talked to him?
- Yeah.Copy !req
73. - Yeah?
- Yeah.Copy !req
74. What'd he say?Copy !req
75. Nandor, come on.Copy !req
76. I'm gonna murder him!Copy !req
77. Maybe if I write him a letter...Copy !req
78. Yeah, like if you wrote him
a suicide note,Copy !req
79. and actually followed through
on it,Copy !req
80. then that would
probably cool him down.Copy !req
81. Wow. They're really
going at it, aren't they?Copy !req
82. Why did I do this?Copy !req
83. Look, relationships evolve.Copy !req
84. Like me and those Antipaxon
people who work at the diner.Copy !req
85. At first, I was just using them
to get rid of my hex.Copy !req
86. But then it turned out...Copy !req
87. I really like hanging out
with those guys.Copy !req
88. I know you didn't mean...Copy !req
89. I know you didn't meanCopy !req
90. for things to turn out this way,Copy !req
91. but I think it's timeCopy !req
92. you need to accept—
You know what?Copy !req
93. Hang on,
I cannot take this anymore!Copy !req
94. Yeah!Copy !req
95. It's hard, you know.Copy !req
96. To know that you've done something,Copy !req
97. that you messed up
but you can't...Copy !req
98. fix it and...Copy !req
99. And she's joined them.Copy !req
100. Night after night, I hunt.Copy !req
101. I cannot rest until Guillermo
has taken his last breathCopy !req
102. and I feel his bones
crunch under my boots.Copy !req
103. So I've been watching
the one placeCopy !req
104. I know he will
return to eventually...Copy !req
105. Panera Bread.Copy !req
106. I've got you now.Copy !req
107. He can run,Copy !req
108. but he cannot run far.Copy !req
109. Because he has very short legs.Copy !req
110. Guillermo, now you will die.Copy !req
111. I-I didn't do anything.Copy !req
112. Those that betray me will pay
the ultimate price, Guillermo.Copy !req
113. And this disguiseCopy !req
114. that has slightly altered
your appearanceCopy !req
115. does not fool me.Copy !req
116. I'm not Guillermo!
I'm not Guillermo!Copy !req
117. I'm Patton Oswalt. I'm an actor.Copy !req
118. - Patton Oswalt?
- Yeah.Copy !req
119. - An actor?
- Yes!Copy !req
120. What would I know you from?Copy !req
121. - I was in Ratatouille.
- Is that a movie?Copy !req
122. It's... It was animated.Copy !req
123. I was the voice of a rat.Copy !req
124. - I prefer live action.
- Uh...Copy !req
125. Do you know John Slattery?Copy !req
126. I don't know him personally,
I know of him.Copy !req
127. - He seems really cool.
- He is.Copy !req
128. Yes, I-I'm gonna pass out...Copy !req
129. Oh...Copy !req
130. My apologies, Patton Oswalt.Copy !req
131. You are respectful,
unlike Guillermo.Copy !req
132. I have been lying
in wait for himCopy !req
133. on the top of
that building there.Copy !req
134. It's only a matter of timeCopy !req
135. before he returns
to Panera Bread,Copy !req
136. like a gazelle
to his watering hole.Copy !req
137. And when he does, I will strike.Copy !req
138. Are you sure it's
that Panera Bread?Copy !req
139. - What do you mean?
- There's a lot of Panera Breads.Copy !req
140. They're... They're all
over the city.Copy !req
141. Shit.Copy !req
142. Who is it?Copy !req
143. - Gigi?
- Hello.Copy !req
144. What are you doing here?Copy !req
145. - How did you find me?
- Oh, I just...Copy !req
146. took a map of Staten Island
and laid it over a gridCopy !req
147. and looked for any motel
that shared a squareCopy !req
148. with an Arby's, a party store
or a sweater shop.Copy !req
149. Well, I'm not near
any of those things.Copy !req
150. Yeah, I know,
so I just asked Nadja.Copy !req
151. Great. What do you want?Copy !req
152. First off, I just want
to wish you good luck.Copy !req
153. You're a nice enough guy
caught in a bad sitch.Copy !req
154. I-I don't think any of us were
hoping for this outcome for you.Copy !req
155. Thank you.Copy !req
156. Secondly, I am here to conduct
your exit interview,Copy !req
157. from your job as a familiar.Copy !req
158. And also your life, so...Copy !req
159. Have a seat. I don't want to
take up too much of your time,Copy !req
160. I know it's valuable.Copy !req
161. Because
there's so little of it left.Copy !req
162. Okay.Copy !req
163. Familiar exit interview,
10:47 p.m.,Copy !req
164. Colin Robinson
conducting interview.Copy !req
165. Um, Mr. de la "Cruzz,"Copy !req
166. what's prompting you
to leave your job?Copy !req
167. Nandor trying to kill me.Copy !req
168. And... what was your salary
as a familiar?Copy !req
169. Oh, I don't get paid.Copy !req
170. No, but honestly,
for this to work,Copy !req
171. I kind of need
a ballpark figure.Copy !req
172. $500, $550 a week?Copy !req
173. - I don't get paid.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
174. And do you think
we can get away withCopy !req
175. not paying the next person?Copy !req
176. Okay. This interview's over.Copy !req
177. Interview concluded by subjectCopy !req
178. who was cooperative
and at times almost articulate.Copy !req
179. Okay, thank you.Copy !req
180. This is just from me.Copy !req
181. It was nice having you
in the house.Copy !req
182. Thanks, Colin.Copy !req
183. "Jay Sturkel, Quarter Four
Sales Leader, 1977."Copy !req
184. I got it at estate sale,
but y-you get the drift.Copy !req
185. - Congratulations.
- Thank you.Copy !req
186. I think what bugs me the mostCopy !req
187. is that I have given
Guillermo my friendship.Copy !req
188. This is a gift
I do not give to just anyone.Copy !req
189. Uh, you know, friendship
has to be... earned.Copy !req
190. How is your, um...Copy !req
191. - Turkey Bacon Bravo.
- Yes.Copy !req
192. It is, it's good.Copy !req
193. And I usually get
the bread bowls here—Copy !req
194. I think what it isCopy !req
195. is that I thought Guillermo
had earned it.Copy !req
196. You are a good listener,
Patton Oswalt.Copy !req
197. You know, it's funny
because something like thisCopy !req
198. happened with me a couple years
ago with my manager, we—Copy !req
199. - Shh. Just listen.
- Oh...Copy !req
200. We are not talking
about you right now,Copy !req
201. are we, Patton Oswalt?Copy !req
202. - No, we're not.
- Mm.Copy !req
203. - So, go on.
- Thank you.Copy !req
204. Who is it?Copy !req
205. Housekeeping.Copy !req
206. - I should ask how you found out where—
- Shh, shh.Copy !req
207. What?Copy !req
208. I'm guessing you're content
with your...Copy !req
209. toilet paper situation?Copy !req
210. Yes, thank you.Copy !req
211. All right.Copy !req
212. Then I will...Copy !req
213. leave you to watch
the television for the evening.Copy !req
214. And I will say... goodbye.Copy !req
215. - Sit down.
- What's going on?Copy !req
216. I must apologize, Gizmo,
I feel like I've let you down.Copy !req
217. All those science experiments,Copy !req
218. they were nothing
but a blind alley.Copy !req
219. Laszlo, you tried your best.Copy !req
220. No, there's been something I...Copy !req
221. You-you should probably
put something onCopy !req
222. that's a bit louder than this.Copy !req
223. Otherwise, it won't
drown our voices out.Copy !req
224. That's better.Copy !req
225. I've known you since
you were a young familiar.Copy !req
226. And I may have been hard
on you in the past,Copy !req
227. and, uh...Copy !req
228. Could you put something that...Copy !req
229. is as loud but less percussive?Copy !req
230. Sport, yes, that's better.Copy !req
231. And I say,
does that thing have any...Copy !req
232. programs of the adult variety?Copy !req
233. Uh, I suppose, yeah.Copy !req
234. There you go.Copy !req
235. You were saying?Copy !req
236. Sorry?Copy !req
237. - You were saying?
- Yes.Copy !req
238. I was saying...Copy !req
239. I've known you since you were...Copy !req
240. a young fa...Copy !req
241. What do you think
they're gonna do?Copy !req
242. - Yeah, Laszlo—
- Yes, yes,Copy !req
243. s-sorry, since you
were a young familiar.Copy !req
244. And, uh, I'm about
to tell you something nowCopy !req
245. that I've never told
anyone else before.Copy !req
246. - L-Laszlo?
- Good grief.Copy !req
247. You were going
to tell me somethingCopy !req
248. - you never told anyone before...?
- Shh.Copy !req
249. You might have
to give me a minute.Copy !req
250. So, yeah, even Laszlo came by.Copy !req
251. If I would've known how...Copy !req
252. my last couple of days
would play out,Copy !req
253. how the last couple of months...Copy !req
254. I would've never asked
Derek to turn me.Copy !req
255. It's not that
I don't want to die,Copy !req
256. and trust me, I really,
really don't want to die,Copy !req
257. but I'm just more afraid
of losing the vampires.Copy !req
258. My friends.Copy !req
259. I always figured if I got
turned into a vampireCopy !req
260. that it would...
bring me closer to them.Copy !req
261. But it's just left me
feeling more alone than ever.Copy !req
262. Nandor, can I ask you
a question?Copy !req
263. Yes, Patton Oswalt.Copy !req
264. Your friendship with Guillermo
is very special, right?Copy !req
265. I thought it was.Copy !req
266. And I bet...Copy !req
267. killing a friend...Copy !req
268. would really hurt.Copy !req
269. I imagine it would be
one of the worst feelingsCopy !req
270. a person could have.Copy !req
271. So, what if you...Copy !req
272. repair the friendship?Copy !req
273. - You repair it—
- So you're sayingCopy !req
274. that I should not kill
my former friend?Copy !req
275. - Uh, yes, you-you—
- This is your suggestion?Copy !req
276. Well, you know, you rebuild—Copy !req
277. After hearing my tale
of deceit and betrayal?Copy !req
278. All that betray me
must be destroyed.Copy !req
279. - Wait, wait—
- Goodbye, Patton Oswalt.Copy !req
280. He does make
a good point, though.Copy !req
281. arm, and a block of—Copy !req
282. Of course.Copy !req
283. Hi. I just came by
to pay you my condolences.Copy !req
284. "Sorry for your loss
of your life."Copy !req
285. Is there anyone who doesn't
know that I'm here?Copy !req
286. Well, I'm usually the last one
to know, so probably not.Copy !req
287. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
288. And then I also brought
some friendsCopy !req
289. who wanted to say goodbye.Copy !req
290. Hiya, Daddy.Copy !req
291. - Hey.
- Guide lady said you're going offCopy !req
292. - to a big, beautiful...
- Hey, big guy.Copy !req
293. farm in the sky.Copy !req
294. - Can we come?
- Oh...Copy !req
295. - No, buddy.
- Aw.Copy !req
296. There's no room at the farm.Copy !req
297. "In the death of a good man,Copy !req
298. eternity is seen looking
through time."Copy !req
299. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.Copy !req
300. Okay.Copy !req
301. So— Oh.Copy !req
302. Sorry.Copy !req
303. Hola, Ma.Copy !req
304. Hello, Guillermo.Copy !req
305. I've been looking for you.Copy !req
306. Where are you?Copy !req
307. Oh, I'm right here having a nice
conversation with your mother.Copy !req
308. In her apartment.
Where she lives.Copy !req
309. My mother has nothing
to do with this.Copy !req
310. If you touch her, I swear...Copy !req
311. Well, you know where I am.
Why don't you come over hereCopy !req
312. and we can discuss
what happens next.Copy !req
313. - I have to go.
- Bye, Daddy.Copy !req
314. Have you checked out already?
Or is it okay if we hang here?Copy !req
315. He's not coming back.Copy !req
316. Ah, come on, you stupid...Copy !req
317. - Get away from her.
- Guillermo.Copy !req
318. I'll be back, okay?Copy !req
319. ¿Cómo está, mijo?Copy !req
320. - Hey, Mami.
- Mwah.Copy !req
321. Don't be long, Sylvia.Copy !req
322. Still want to see
the photographs of GuillermoCopy !req
323. in this gotico phase.Copy !req
324. You can kill me if you want,Copy !req
325. but you leave her
out of this, okay?Copy !req
326. Oh, I know I could kill you.Copy !req
327. And you'd deserve it.Copy !req
328. But I have decided not to.Copy !req
329. Yeah, well, I don't believe you.Copy !req
330. No, of course you don't.Copy !req
331. But something happened
recently and...Copy !req
332. it's made me change my mind.Copy !req
333. - Oh, yeah? What?
- My friend Patton Oswalt.Copy !req
334. He passed away quite suddenly.
And, um...Copy !req
335. it didn't feel good
losing a friend.Copy !req
336. How do I know
you're telling the truth?Copy !req
337. Because I give you
my word as a vampire.Copy !req
338. - Not good enough.
- Then I give you my word...Copy !req
339. as a warrior.Copy !req
340. "If I'm lying...Copy !req
341. then kill me now."Copy !req
342. Then it is settled.Copy !req
343. You'll come home with me, alive.Copy !req
344. Mami, no!Copy !req
345. Wow, that worked.Copy !req
346. - Mm?
- Hmm?Copy !req
347. We return with news.Copy !req
348. I no longer plan
to kill Guillermo.Copy !req
349. - Yay.
- Yay.Copy !req
350. He will live here
in this house, with us,Copy !req
351. as an equal.Copy !req
352. - As a vampire.
- Boo.Copy !req
353. Where once we were four,
we are now five.Copy !req
354. I think your math is off.Copy !req
355. If I had known Gizmo was
going to stay with us,Copy !req
356. I would've said just kill him
and be done with it.Copy !req
357. Where is he going to sit?Copy !req
358. I-I'm not giving up my seat.
So where is he going to sit?Copy !req
359. Hold on a second. Gizmo cannot
fully become a vampireCopy !req
360. due to his Van Helsing blood.Copy !req
361. Laszlo, Laszlo,Copy !req
362. with all your experiments
and your notetaking,Copy !req
363. and your weird-ass,
hybrid freaks,Copy !req
364. you never thought of
the simplest solution.Copy !req
365. - Which is?
- You never got GuillermoCopy !req
366. to drink human blood.Copy !req
367. - Wait. Y-You never thought of that?
- Shut up.Copy !req
368. - I don't think I can do this.
- You must.Copy !req
369. Or else you'll be
eternally frozenCopy !req
370. in this painful, unending limbo.
Now drink.Copy !req
371. Come on, Guillermo.Copy !req
372. - Drink, bitch.
- Yeah, drink it, bitch.Copy !req
373. - Yes.
- Drink it.Copy !req
374. - Swallow it all.
- Drink. Drink.Copy !req
375. - Suck on it, baby. Come on, drink!
- Swallow it.Copy !req
376. - Drink. Drink.
- Oi, drink.Copy !req
377. - Drink. Drink.
- Drink it.Copy !req
378. Take it like a man.Copy !req
379. Fangs.Copy !req
380. - Wow
- Ah.Copy !req
381. I've never felt more alive.Copy !req
382. I really should've
thought of that.Copy !req
383. I'm a vampire.Copy !req
384. I'm a vampire!Copy !req
385. - I'm a vampire!
- Yahoo.Copy !req
386. Yep.Copy !req
387. Nicely done.Copy !req
388. One sip of bloodCopy !req
389. and he's like Cornholio over here.Copy !req
390. Yes.Copy !req
391. He likes that.Copy !req
392. Ooh.Copy !req
393. Behold what I've become.Copy !req
394. Yes, yes, we've all been there.Copy !req
395. Why are we all
sitting on our asses?Copy !req
396. Let's do something!
What do we do next?Copy !req
397. Get a broom.Copy !req
398. Now, we hunt!Copy !req
399. I'm sorry, Mommy needs to eat.Copy !req
400. Hunt, hunt, hunt!Copy !req
401. Hunt, hunt!Copy !req
402. FOMO.Copy !req
403. Which reminds me,Copy !req
404. what's the fastest way
to become a millionaire?Copy !req
405. You start as a billionaire
and buy a winery.Copy !req
406. Just a little
wine humor for you.Copy !req
407. Oh.Copy !req
408. Sommeliers are
a dying breed...Copy !req
409. Oh. I've eaten too much.
I feel sick.Copy !req
410. Go on, Guillermo.Copy !req
411. I bonked this one on the head
just for you.Copy !req
412. They're much easier
to drain and killCopy !req
413. when they're not
wriggling around.Copy !req
414. Oh, no, I-I'm actually
not that hungry.Copy !req
415. Okay, well, FYI, if you leave
them hanging around too longCopy !req
416. when they're unconscious,
their blood, it loses its zing.Copy !req
417. I've never killed anyone before.Copy !req
418. I mean, I guess dozens
of vampires.Copy !req
419. And I did bring humansCopy !req
420. to the vampires
so they could kill them.Copy !req
421. And I've dismembered,Copy !req
422. like, a ton of dead bodies.Copy !req
423. But back at the restaurant,
that was a real living person.Copy !req
424. And when I leaned in to take...Copy !req
425. I could...Copy !req
426. smell their shampooCopy !req
427. and all I kept thinking wasCopy !req
428. this guy was at CVSCopy !req
429. just sniffing away
all these shampoosCopy !req
430. and says, "Eh, I think
I'll get this oneCopy !req
431. because it reminds me of where
I used to go camping as a kid."Copy !req
432. I can't do this, I'm sorry.
Could we...Copy !req
433. I can't—Copy !req
434. Just as I feared.Copy !req
435. Guillermo is not cut out
to be a vampire.Copy !req
436. I will fix.Copy !req
437. You summoned me?Copy !req
438. Yes, I wish for Guillermo—Copy !req
439. Eh, eh, you ran out
of wishes a long time ago.Copy !req
440. Have you just been
carrying me around?Copy !req
441. Maybe.Copy !req
442. Yeah.Copy !req
443. Okay, well...Copy !req
444. Nice to see you again.
You can, uh...Copy !req
445. Can't I stretch
my legs a little?Copy !req
446. I wish I could help you,
but, uh...Copy !req
447. - That's very funny.
- Get in the fucking lamp.Copy !req
448. I didn't even know there
was a special ceremony for...Copy !req
449. Wait, what was the ceremony
called again?Copy !req
450. The Ceremony
of Vampiric Transmogrification.Copy !req
451. - Oh.
- Don't be nervous,Copy !req
452. we have all been through it.Copy !req
453. Well, is it scary?Copy !req
454. Nothing you cannot handle.Copy !req
455. The ancient ceremony will help
hasten you along your path.Copy !req
456. It is time.Copy !req
457. Are you ready?Copy !req
458. I am.Copy !req
459. Hey.Copy !req
460. Derek is here, too?Copy !req
461. Yes. Fucking guy.Copy !req
462. But ancient ritual dictates
that he must be present.Copy !req
463. - Come on.
- Hey, everyone.Copy !req
464. Hello.Copy !req
465. - Derek.
- Hey.Copy !req
466. Vampires all, gather we here
in the dark of night?Copy !req
467. We do.Copy !req
468. - We have made of ourselves a circle?
- The circle—Copy !req
469. - The circle unbroken.
- Unbroken.Copy !req
470. We gather here
in a circle unbrokenCopy !req
471. at the crossroads
between life and death.Copy !req
472. Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you prepared?Copy !req
473. I am.Copy !req
474. Guillermo de la Cruz,
are you of sound mindCopy !req
475. and strong of body?Copy !req
476. I am.Copy !req
477. A choice will be made.Copy !req
478. This choice can only
be made by you.Copy !req
479. We vampires here
are only witnesses.Copy !req
480. Mistress of Ceremony,
prepare the flames.Copy !req
481. That's me.Copy !req
482. Nicely done.Copy !req
483. Guillermo de la Cruz,
I will now ask you one question.Copy !req
484. The answer must come
from your heart.Copy !req
485. For this is the last timeCopy !req
486. you get to make
this final choice.Copy !req
487. - Do I make myself clear?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
488. The question is:
Would you rather be a human...Copy !req
489. or vampire?Copy !req
490. A human.Copy !req
491. As I predicted.Copy !req
492. It's not that I don't
want to be a vampire,Copy !req
493. - I really, really do.
- Sure.Copy !req
494. It's all the killing.Copy !req
495. You can spare us the details,
it's fine.Copy !req
496. You want to be a human,
there's no shame in that.Copy !req
497. - We're gonna make it happen.
- Wait, what?Copy !req
498. Mistress of Ceremony,
distribute the hoods.Copy !req
499. That's me again.Copy !req
500. - You're doing a great job.
- Thank you, Derek.Copy !req
501. - Can I get a smaller—
- They're unisex.Copy !req
502. - It's a one size fits all situation? Okay.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
503. Do I get a hood, or...Copy !req
504. - Hurry it up.
- I have one for you, too.Copy !req
505. Thank you.Copy !req
506. We blind ourselves
that none may witness.Copy !req
507. Hoods on, everyone.Copy !req
508. Very nice.
Proceed to position two.Copy !req
509. I'm sorry,
w-what's position two?Copy !req
510. Just as you are, Derek,
that's fine.Copy !req
511. - Wait, what?
- It is the only way, Guillermo.Copy !req
512. - W-Won't I die, too?
- No.Copy !req
513. You'll go back to how you were
when you were turned.Copy !req
514. You'll just get a month older
really quickly.Copy !req
515. There's got to be another way.Copy !req
516. There's no other way.Copy !req
517. It is the only way.Copy !req
518. - I can't do this.
- Knew it.Copy !req
519. I'm sorry, can't do what?
What am I missing?Copy !req
520. Just keep that hood on, Derek.
You're doing great.Copy !req
521. Thank you.Copy !req
522. You want me to do it?Copy !req
523. - I don't know.
- I do.Copy !req
524. Give me that.Copy !req
525. - Guillermo, you okay?
- Whoa!Copy !req
526. - Um...
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
527. Everything's kind of blurry.Copy !req
528. I think I need my old glasses.Copy !req
529. - Here.
- Thank you.Copy !req
530. Well, that was fun.Copy !req
531. Can we turn the regular lights
on now, please?Copy !req
532. Oh, sure. Can somebody
help me pick up all theseCopy !req
533. hoods and robes?Copy !req
534. Eh, just leave them.
Garfield will pick 'em up later.Copy !req
535. I must say, the, uh,
the banners are a lovely touch.Copy !req
536. You know, I like them, too.Copy !req
537. What do they mean?Copy !req
538. I don't know,
to be honest, Baron.Copy !req
539. I just wanted something
that looked cool and creepy.Copy !req
540. Very nice, yes.Copy !req
541. We have a sitter waiting at home,Copy !req
542. - so we're gonna head out.
- Good evening.Copy !req
543. - Kalinychta.
- Bye.Copy !req
544. Anyone up for
a game of parcheesi?Copy !req
545. Maybe a movie.Copy !req
546. - I'm zonked.
- The Brothers McMullin?Copy !req
547. That wasn't even
a real ceremony, was it?Copy !req
548. No.Copy !req
549. I found the robes in a box
in the attic and, uh...Copy !req
550. the candles I think we got
from a Home Depot?Copy !req
551. I'm sorry, Guillermo.Copy !req
552. It was the only way
for you to figure outCopy !req
553. what you actually wanted.Copy !req
554. It was a horrible
and hard decision.Copy !req
555. I think you made
the right choice.Copy !req
556. I know.Copy !req
557. Now, if you wouldn't mind
clearing up Derek's corpseCopy !req
558. before sunrise,
that would be great.Copy !req
559. It's all right,
I'll give you a hand.Copy !req
560. Thanks, Laszlo.Copy !req
561. - You take the bag, I'll take Derek.
- Okay.Copy !req
562. Come on, old chap.
You better get the door.Copy !req
563. Mr. Necromancer?Copy !req
564. And you have the necessary
items requiredCopy !req
565. for the procedure to succeed?Copy !req
566. He means the cash.Copy !req
567. Yeah, it was almost all
the money I gave DerekCopy !req
568. to turn me into a vampire.Copy !req
569. He only spent like $270
on "vampire clothes"Copy !req
570. that he got from Hot Topic.Copy !req
571. You don't need to count it.
It's all there, necromancer.Copy !req
572. I should trust youCopy !req
573. when you when you show me
no respect for meCopy !req
574. or my beguiling powers?Copy !req
575. Respect? For a fraud?Copy !req
576. But you've seen
my methods succeed.Copy !req
577. I've seen your magic.
It has a fraudulent vibe.Copy !req
578. Okay, okay.
Boys, why don't we focus?Copy !req
579. He's doing his scatting shit.Copy !req
580. Yah!Copy !req
581. Get in, you dirty bastard!Copy !req
582. Derek...Copy !req
583. What's up, dude?Copy !req
584. All right. Begone with ya.Copy !req
585. He's all yours.Copy !req
586. But, uh, if you're worried
about taking care of him,Copy !req
587. we do have a new offer.Copy !req
588. Of course you do.Copy !req
589. - For a nominal fee...
- Here he goes.Copy !req
590. a rehousing option.Copy !req
591. - Topher!
- No.Copy !req
592. What the fuck?Copy !req
593. Who calls... Topher?Copy !req
594. What's this "Thriller" shit?Copy !req
595. JK.Copy !req
596. Oh, it's that guy.Copy !req
597. - Topher!
- Yeah, baby. Sup, guys?Copy !req
598. How you doing, Guillermo?Copy !req
599. Topher, you look, uh...Copy !req
600. - You look like shit.
- Well, I'm au naturel, babe.Copy !req
601. I've had some work done.Copy !req
602. You know, I'm still undead,Copy !req
603. but I'm making
the most of it, man.Copy !req
604. Once you get used
to the zombie body,Copy !req
605. you can actually learn
to talk normal again.Copy !req
606. Like this. Pretty cool, huh?Copy !req
607. - He just does the accent for the tourists.
- Eh, you know.Copy !req
608. Take 'em for an arm and a leg.Copy !req
609. Yeah, man.Copy !req
610. Who we got here?Copy !req
611. - Der. Ek.
- Oh, hey, look at that.Copy !req
612. Yeah, he's trying.Copy !req
613. It's gonna take him
a couple monthsCopy !req
614. to learn how to use
the ol' mouth again.Copy !req
615. But in the meantime,
the more the merrier.Copy !req
616. Hey, Derek. How would you
like to join a gangCopy !req
617. of crazy motherfuckers
just like yourself?Copy !req
618. There's always room
for a new friend.Copy !req
619. - Friend?
- Yeah. Friend!Copy !req
620. High five!Copy !req
621. Oh, yeah, takes a second.Copy !req
622. - Come on, buddy.
- Whoa!Copy !req
623. Easy, Derek.Copy !req
624. Hey, boys, set a place at the
table for our new friend Derek!Copy !req
625. Hey, you like eating
human flesh?Copy !req
626. Oh, you will.Copy !req
627. Very... cool.Copy !req
628. - Bye, Derek.
- Bye, Derek.Copy !req
629. Do you take Venmo?Copy !req
630. Venmo? I take cash,
hard cash or gold coin.Copy !req
631. Or Zelle.Copy !req