What We Do in the Shadows 4x8

1. The sun may have just set,

2. but we're just getting started.

3. Which is fitting because we are in the city that never sleeps.

4. Although, Toby here could use a little more beauty sleep.

5. - Ouch, Bran. - What?

6. Uh, we're twins, remember?

7. Hey, brothers. Can't live with 'em...

8. Uh, I think you forgot to say, "Can't live without 'em."

9. - Who says I forgot? - Uh-oh.

10. Anyway, Bran and I have seen the worst...

11. - Of the worst... - ... of home disasters,

12. but today, we are here in Staten Island...

13. ready to take on our toughest renovation yet.

14. - I'm Bran Daltry. - And I'm Toby Daltry.

15. - And we're... - The Daltry Brothers.

16. - And this is... - Go Flip Yourself.

17. I'm Bran,

18. and this knucklehead over here is my brother Toby.

19. Hey.

20. Now, we may not get along all the time,

21. but one thing we do agree on

22. is turning people's dream homes into reality.

23. Staten Island, New York.

24. Home to the world famous Staten Island Ferry,

25. a blossoming real estate market,

26. and the Daltry Brothers' toughest challenge yet.

27. Yikes, what a mess.

28. Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you knucklehead.

29. Bran, I'm talking about the house.

30. Take a look. You got crumbling statues.

31. - I see them. - You got overgrown lawn,

32. - and... Mm-hmm.

33. What am I smelling? Is that sulfur?

34. Yeah, I'm getting notes of, uh...

35. decomposing animals. Pee-yew-y.

36. Yeah, I think someone should call an exterminator, too.

37. Hey, it's nothing a little brotherly love can't fix,

38. - so... - Whoa.

39. - Look out. Wow. - What is that?

40. That is a big bone.

41. Yeah, I hope the big dog that buried this one

42. - is a friendly fella.

43. Now, the owners of this house have

44. - no idea that here. - Doesn't matter.

45. They were told to keep the door unlocked,

46. so that the "power company" could "check the meter."

47. And y'all know what that means.

48. It's ambush time!

49. - Come on.

50. Okay.

51. Who's ready to get down and dirty

52. and a little bit flirty?

53. What the?

54. - Am I on Go Flip Yourself? - Yes, you are.

55. My name's Laszlo. I'm such a fan.

56. - My name's Bran. Ah. - I know who you are.

57. - Initially, the twins aspect... - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

58. - ... confused me slightly. - It does a lot of people.

59. - And then I watched three seasons... - Yeah?

60. and then I realized that, uh,

61. - you're both very different. - Sure.

62. In posture and personality.

63. We need to fix this house.

64. Tell me about it. I sent my tape in months ago.

65. Bran and Toby certainly have

66. their hands full with the

67. quirky owners and decor of this mixed-up mansion.

68. All right, guys, so little bit of a hiccup out the gates.

69. My brother Toby's a little under the weather,

70. so he's gonna sit this one out.

71. I mean, typical Toby, right?

72. Leaving all the hard work for this guy to do.

73. But when they saw how down we were

74. about Toby taking a sick day,

75. the owners of this house—

76. and I'm just gonna say this about them—

77. they are very spiritual people.

78. They led me and the whole crew on a very special

79. guided meditation, you know, just to re-center us.

80. And you will forget that Toby is dead,

81. and that he was murdered by me.

82. A girl has got to eat.

83. And, instead, you will think

84. that he is just temporarily sick.

85. Hashtag it worked.

86. So, now...

87. we got to get back to the task at hand,

88. and, oh, boy, it's a doozy.

89. Plus, we just want Toby to be proud of this episode

90. when he sees it, after he shakes off the mild flu.

91. When the owners first saw this

92. 8,474-square-foot home,

93. it was love at first sight.

94. And that was so long ago, they say

95. they can't even remember when they first moved in.

96. But since then, things have changed.

97. Railroad employee and part-time graphic designer,

98. - Laszlo... - I wish I could get this

99. printer to work.

100. hates living in this dated house

101. that lacks adequate storage space for him and his nephew

102. - Colin. - Bang!

103. What have I told you about touching my hat?

104. - Pow! - To be blunt,

105. this house is a hole.

106. And I think only Bran and Toby are capable

107. of helping us "embrace our space."

108. - Go on, bugger off. - To quote the brothers themselves,

109. from episode 113,

110. "Midcentury Mess,"

111. "This house is all kinds of

112. Frank Lloyd Wrong."

113. Nandor and Marwa are newlyweds

114. with a passion for cooking,

115. but without enough space

116. - in their cramped kitchen. - Sorry.

117. And they can't seem to agree on how to make

118. their master bedroom their happily ever after.

119. So, yes, we are technically newlyweds,

120. but it feels like we've been together forever.

121. I would describe my style

122. as French country

123. meets shabby chic.

124. And I would describe my style

125. as French country meets shabby chic.

126. But I also like modern.

127. I like to have an indoor sink,

128. a floor that is not dirt.

129. Me, too. I like everything that he likes.

130. So, if he says that we need a change...

131. Change is not always a good thing.

132. I mean, sometimes, you make too many changes,

133. and then, before you know it,

134. you realize what you thought you wanted

135. is, in fact, very annoying.

136. Guillermo and Nadja have their hands full

137. running a successful nightclub,

138. and when they come home to these cramped

139. - living quarters... - Where is the thing?

140. tensions can run hot.

141. The thingy-thing. The thing that controls...

142. - ... the heat at the nightclub. - A thermostat key.

143. - Right? - Yes.

144. It's on a chain around your neck.

145. Nice try.

146. - Whew, this is a big house. - Yeah.

147. Okay, guys, let's talk about

148. design options within your budget.

149. - Great.

150. How much are you guys comfortable spending

151. in order to give this old house a...

152. facelift?

153. All of it. All our life's savings.

154. - Whatever you need, you knucklehead. - You're the knucklehead.

155. - You're the knucklehead. - Who you calling a knucklehead?

156. - Look at this.

157. - Where'd you get that shirt? - What?

158. Where-Where'd you get your shirt?

159. From a shop. Off.

160. Okay, we're getting a little off track here.

161. Let's focus, guys, 'cause, clearly,

162. this living room is not working for anyone.

163. What the is that supposed to mean? Some of us

164. happen to like waterlogged mahogany

165. and soaking wet pillows that smell of cheese

166. - and moldy stuffed bears. Thank you. - Yeah...

167. Clearly, we're not nuts about the full-size tree

168. that fell through the wall.

169. Left a gigantic hole

170. where raccoons and squirrels can just come and go

171. and nest in our furniture, so...

172. I don't know, I don't mind it.

173. As you can see, I gave that a bit of a trim

174. using the Milwaukee M18 Fuel Lithium-Ion chainsaw,

175. used in your commercials.

176. "Milwaukee, nothing but heavy duty."

177. Home renovations can be an emotional process.

178. - Let's do it. - Now, I have to convince the owners that

179. we're not here to destroy their memories,

180. we're here to help them make new ones.

181. Okay, guys, here's what I'm thinking.

182. And, boom, we knock out all the walls.

183. Make an open concept first floor.

184. It's gonna create much better flow and, most importantly,

185. it's gonna bring in tons of natural light.

186. - I love it, it's perfect. - Thank you.

187. - I don't think that's perfect. - And...

188. we can also get rid of this dated and awkward storage

189. and replace it with a master

190. his-and-hers mega-closet. Yeah.

191. - Fantastic. - With custom shelves

192. for all of Nadja's shoes and her doll.

193. Plus, a dedicated hat wall

194. with hat racks for all

195. of Laszlo's dope hats.

196. That cannot be our house.

197. You're right, that cannot be our house.

198. - This fella is the knackers. - Thank you.

199. Now, let's talk about that unfinished attic.

200. I think we should reimagine it

201. as a spacious master suite

202. slash love nest for Nandor and Marwa.

203. It doesn't matter how many changes you make to something.

204. - The novelty eventually wears off. - Mm.

205. - I agree with my husband.

206. But I do like

207. that sign about home being where the wine is.

208. - Okay. There is another option. - Me, too.

209. In this option,

210. you can keep your current bedroom...

211. Mm. - ... and we reimagine the attic

212. as a dedicated "man cave" for Nandor.

213. - Man cave? - Yeah.

214. What is a man cave?

215. Man cave is where you do your man stuff.

216. So, there are no women allowed in this man cave?

217. Hey, it's your space up there,

218. - you do with it what you please. - Great.

219. Guess what? I hate all of that. That attic

220. is full of very precious, treasured memories

221. of us putting all of our trash up there.

222. Also, we do not need a wall of hat hooks.

223. Laszlo only has one hat, and it's bloody cursed!

224. Correction, my darling, I have five hats.

225. I have the one she's referring to,

226. which she doesn't like for some unknown reason.

227. - It's actually very cool. - I'm sure it is.

228. It might be made out of witch skin and has an asshole on it,

229. but I look fantastic wearing it.

230. And another is a yellow ballcap

231. with the message across it,

232. - "Absolut Aces..." - Ooh, where'd you get that?

233. which was a gift from the 2006 movie premiere

234. of the movie

235. - Smokin' Aces. - You know the film?

236. - I love it. It's classic. - Well, I've never worn it.

237. Where you going, Nadja? I got something special for you, too.

238. Check this out. No home would be complete

239. without a serene master bath fit for a queen.

240. I don't care about any of this.

241. Uh, do you care about a gold toilet?

242. Bang!

243. A gold toilet?

244. Queen's got to have her throne, am I right, guys?

245. You can't even take a.

246. I will take a if I want to take a.

247. Stop trying to water down my brand.

248. I've given the owners a lot to think about.

249. Now it's time to let them talk it over.

250. I really don't think

251. this kind of public exposure is good for us.

252. I really think that we should just let these guys

253. paint a wall or two and get them out of here.

254. "These guys"?

255. Bran and Toby are artisans. They're craftspeople.

256. Toby is dead, okay?

257. And it's only a matter of time before someone notices.

258. No, are you not paying attention

259. to my very comprehensive hypnosis?

260. And no one watching this footage

261. will notice that we are vampires.

262. Not the editors,

263. not the editors' assistants,

264. not the sound mixers,

265. not the, uh...

266. Who else is there?

267. Color correctors, current executives,

268. Standards & Practices

269. occasionally looks at a rough cut.

270. A producer's girlfriend named Wendy one time gave notes,

271. and now she gives notes on all the cuts.

272. - Then there are... - Okay, okay, I get it.

273. Yes. All of those nerds, too.

274. Also you will put the bit that I am saying in now

275. as a flashback and then cut back to the main story

276. of whatever else is going on.

277. I don't know.

278. I have a really bad feeling about this.

279. Do you think that home is really "where the wine is"?

280. I want it to be accurate for my man cave.

281. Yes, I agree.

282. There's a surprise.

283. Now, I think we all know what to do.

284. All right, gang, you've had time to think it over.

285. And now it's decision time.

286. Are you ready to "embrace your space"?

287. Or do you want to tell this son of a B to "go flip off"?

288. There's just no storage space for me to do my business.

289. Let me get this... Oh, sorry.

290. A gold toilet?

291. I have a really bad feeling about this.

292. Um...

293. We've decided to...

294. Embrace our space!

295. Yes! That is music to my ears.

296. I promise you're gonna love this place

297. so much more when we're finished with it.

298. And we're gonna up your curb appeal

299. by re-sodding the lawn

300. and the backyard

301. Oh, re-sodding, hey?

302. Y-You're gonna dig up the-the backyard?

303. Yeah, I'm an expert at landscaping.

304. Meanwhile, my brother

305. likes to spend his time manscaping.

306. - Boom!

307. - I don't know what that means, but Toby, right?

308. Yeah, he gets it. All right, what are we doing standing

309. around here? We've got to get to...

310. - Let's go! - Hey! Get to work!

311. This gang, they keep some pretty unusual hours,

312. working for the railroad and owning the nightclub.

313. So we're gonna pull some all-nighters here, you betcha!

314. Yeah!

315. Guillermo, go for it!

316. Yeah, love it!

317. Yeah! Wow!

318. - Hey! - Bran!

319. Wow, man cave really coming together, huh?

320. - Yes. - I'm almost finished over here,

321. then moving onto the door, honey.

322. Don't forget to put the lock on it.

323. You got it, honey.

324. Uh, check out this bar.

325. What?

326. This is an entertainer's dream.

327. Nandor, I want you to picture this right now, okay?

328. The guys are over. They're hanging out.

329. - Okay, I am picturing it. - Mm-hmm.

330. I could be over here at the bar counter.

331. And then one of the guys would come right behind me and...

332. Yeah, mm-hmm.

333. We could put a little skylight in the floor there,

334. and look through it and see Guillermo on the toilet.

335. Oh, no, we don't need a skylight in the bathroom.

336. Nonsense, clear sight lines are what buyers are looking for

337. these days, right, Bran?

338. Hey, who's the host of this show, this guy or me?

339. I love it.

340. You know what I also love? Look at this distressed wood.

341. I mean, it's giving everyone the shabby chic look

342. that I know that you love...

343. - Meets French country. - Thank you very much.

344. And how about the whimsical seating?

345. Have we talked about it yet? I don't think we have.

346. - Get down in it, brother. - This?

347. - That's for you. - No.

348. - This is your throne. - It's not a dog bed?

349. Give it test spin right now. You're gonna love it.

350. - No, he doesn't really get comfortable so eas— - Here we go.

351. - Oh! - How perfect is that?

352. - Pretty perfect, Bran. - Yeah!

353. But the project wasn't a smooth ride from beginning to end.

354. Bran got a call from the City Building Inspector's office

355. about the permits, and the news was... not good.

356. No, no, I understand.

357. It's just that we've done over 150 of these renovations,

358. and this issue has never come up before.

359. Sir, they don't pay me enough

360. to fight with you, okay? I'm sorry,

361. but that's just where the situation currently stands.

362. All right? So you're just gonna have to take it up with—

363. - Son of a B! - Sir?

364. Oh, guys... I'm so sorry to report this.

365. But I just got off the phone

366. with the City Building Inspector's office.

367. - And I've got some bad news. - Bad news?

368. I just got off the phone

369. with the City Building Inspector's office.

370. And I got some bad news.

371. - Bad news? - I'm afraid so.

372. Apparently Guillermo's room does not meet the legal requirements

373. to call it a room. The legal term is

374. "hidey hole" or a "rat's studio."

375. That's okay, I really don't mind.

376. What the does that mean?

377. I'll tell you what the F it means, L-Train.

378. It means that we gotta now reallocate this budget

379. to get Guillermo's room up to code.

380. No, no, no. No one needs to make a big fuss.

381. his room.

382. What the are our options, B-boy?

383. Well, I love the passion. I'm gonna get on that couch,

384. and show you what we got, okay?

385. Open this up, and show you guys what I worked up. Gather in.

386. Now if we eliminate Nadja's gold toilet...

387. - Eat! - Hang on a second.

388. If we eliminate it, we can open up that wall,

389. and create a ventilation system for Guillermo.

390. What the is this, Club Med?

391. We need the gold toilet!

392. Hang on a second, 'cause we're also going to have to...

393. eliminated Nandor's custom sign that says,

394. - "Home is where the wine is." - Get!

395. Because then we could then close the open septic tank,

396. which apparently is pooling underneath Guillermo's bed.

397. Well, I guess if there's no other way...

398. And finally even grouchy Guillermo was grinning.

399. Meanwhile, Marwa's got a surprise

400. that even I haven't seen yet.

401. Only midway through renovations,

402. but Marwa was working around the clock.

403. You think he's ready?

404. - You ready? Let's do it. - Ready.

405. And voilà!

406. Okay, all right.

407. - Wow. - Wow!

408. Wow, wow.

409. Are you looking at this? Incredible.

410. - Wow. - Tiny plant, hello.

411. Look at this, decorative balls?

412. - You can't go wrong with those. I love balls.

413. - I love balls, too. - I love balls, too.

414. And who wants to belly up to the bar?

415. Saddle up, giddy up! Let's get up to the bar.

416. John would've loved those. - Right.

417. I love how the colors

418. on the rug are just playing with the new hardwoods,

419. And then look at the hoop right there.

420. Oh, wow, my own court.

421. Do you like it, honey?

422. Do I like it?

423. I really love it.

424. - Yes! - I think it's so great!

425. Wait! Before you sit down,

426. let me make sure that the beans

427. are in the optimal position for you.

428. Perfect. Can you...

429. make sure I did a good job on the door?

430. I put a special lock on there for you,

431. because I know how much you love your alone time.

432. Looks pretty good to me.

433. The chevron pattern

434. and the wood grain on this thing,

435. it's just beautiful. Okay.

436. - I see you are trying out the, uh, the lock action.

437. It's, uh...

438. - Marwa? - It's soundproof, too.

439. You know, Bran, there was a time

440. me and Marwa, we liked very different things.

441. - Mm-hmm. - But then I made a wish

442. that we would like the same things.

443. Now I think that wish has come true.

444. I also think perhaps that

445. Marwa has been building this man cave for herself.

446. Yeah.

447. Down to the wire. Crew is in there...

448. We're putting the finishing touches on the house

449. for the big reveal, and I cannot wait

450. to show the owners their forever home.

451. All right, you knuckleheads, are you ready

452. to find out

453. if this house is a flip or if it's gonna be a flub?

454. - We're ready to flip. - It's gonna be a flip. it's gonna be a flip.

455. All right, everyone... remove your blindfolds!

456. That is not our house.

457. - That is not our house. - It's not.

458. You're looking the wrong way, that's our neighbor's house.

459. - This way. - Oh, right, got ya.

460. Well?

461. - Hmm. - This looks... the same.

462. All right, guys, what are we waiting for? Let's get inside

463. - and bam, bam, bam! - Let's do it.

464. - Let's go! Let's go!

465. Come on in, and check out

466. your brand new dream home!

467. Yeah!

468. Everybody grab a figurative straw and drink it in.

469. Right?

470. I'm speechless myself, gang.

471. Guys, get in the nooks and crannies. Check it out!

472. Ew...

473. - Huh? - Wait, I thought you said you were going to completely...

474. Bran, I'm starting to think that this flip might be a flub.

475. - What the? - There's still

476. - sewage under my bed. - That was a permitting issue.

477. There's still a tree in the fancy room!

478. Give my Bran boy a chance.

479. What are you talking about? This was his chance!

480. Guys, we're not finished yet.

481. 'Cause the ol' Bran man saved the best for last.

482. Follow me. Come on, gang.

483. You know, I might move in, I love this place so much.

484. Ready?

485. I'm gonna welcome you to your brand-new

486. walk-in closet.

487. - Yeah!

488. This really is the knackers.

489. - Come here. - Bring it in. Ooh!

490. Someone's excited.

491. Wait a second, I thought this was supposed to be

492. a "his-and-hers" closet?

493. Change of plans, sweetie. Live with it.

494. - What the? - Hold on a second.

495. Where the is my witch's skin hat?

496. Who gives a?

497. You mean this witch's skin hat?

498. Oh! Ha-ha!

499. Simon the Devious, I knew it was you.

500. - You bastard. - No, you didn't.

501. Oh,

502. - Bran, do something. What do you want me to do,

503. ya knuckleheads?

504. - That's clever. - I was talking to Bran.

505. You idiot, I am Bran.

506. What have you done with Bran?

507. Bran never existed.

508. It's always been me.

509. - So you mean...? - Yes.

510. You...?

511. Did I create, pitch, sell

512. and produce 150 episodes of Go Flip Yourself

513. for the sole purpose of regaining access

514. to your home here in New York City

515. that I might take what is rightfully mine,

516. this witch's clit of a hat? Yes.

517. Yes, I did.

518. What, all those episodes, all those marathons,

519. all those bedsheet sets

520. in the Daltry Brothers' Daltry Living line?

521. Yes, it was all me. Well...

522. we partnered with Kohl's for the Daltry Living line.

523. - Sellout! - But the rest of it, all me.

524. All that just for stealing my hat?

525. - Yes. - Wow.

526. hell!

527. Well, I had a little help from my friends.

528. You remember my crew?

529. Big Vlad. Blavglad the Exsanguinator.

530. - Oh, these pricks. - Gunthrapple.

531. Wesley Sikes.

532. The Freak Sisters. Mr. '50s.

533. Evil Steve.

534. The wickedly talented Adele Dazeem.

535. - Hello there. - Freakfest Tony.

536. Hi, Tony, nice to see you again.

537. - The Silent One. - Hey, guys, how's it going?

538. Just gonna keep it silent for now, thank you.

539. He Who Shall Not Be Named... but it's Greg.

540. His name is Greg.

541. Desdemona the Shrieker.

542. That guy I still don't know.

543. And of course, the king himself,

544. Elvis.

545. Yeah, I always pretty good with a hammer.

546. - Not very good with friendship. - Traitor!

547. Ronaldo the Elder.

548. There he is, and who could forget

549. Ken the Zombie of my Former Accountant.

550. Yes, he's also

551. the COO of my production company.

552. And of course, my sound guy...

553. Count Rapula.

554. - No... - Oh, not this guy...

555. - No. No!

556. - Okay, very good.

557. Thank you, Count Rapula. I think we all get it.

558. Well, I killed Toby.

559. So looks like one of your crew

560. is dead.

561. Well, actually, Toby wasn't one of our crew.

562. He was a regular guy.

563. He was a Navy flight instructor

564. with... I want to say three?

565. - Three children without a father. - Sad.

566. Well done!

567. Took me a while to get to know him, earn his trust.

568. And then I pitched him the show.

569. And then I paid for him to study

570. design, architecture,

571. - and construction skills. Wait.

572. Why didn't you just find someone who already knew

573. how to build houses?

574. 'Cause for a show like this, it's all about "it factor."

575. You really are the most devious bastard

576. in New York City.

577. Well, we're not in New York City.

578. We're in Staten Island.

579. - Which means you're not worth.

580. You come in here, you pinch my hat, you destroy my house

581. and you con me into spending $2,000

582. - on these poufs. - 2,000...?

583. I like the poufs.

584. Does no one like the poufs?

585. I don't mind the poufs.

586. You see, you're a dickhead 'cause you've just shown

587. your face onscreen, which means this episode, Brainiac,

588. - cannot be televised.

589. Do you have any ideas who my viewers are?

590. They're people in airports and hospital waiting rooms.

591. I once showed a gaping, open asshole

592. for ten seconds,

593. - and I never heard a word about it. - Yes.

594. it was Episode 73, "Ramshackle Ranch," I do believe.

595. - You really watch the show. - I do, yes.

596. - Oh, that means the world to me. - Who cares?

597. Anyway, I've got your witch's hat,

598. and I've got signed release forms from each of you,

599. so you can expect to see this episode

600. airing around the clock about two years from now.

601. - All right, let's roll, crew!

602. - Whoa!

603. Get away!

604. - Go on!

605. Later, losers.

606. Ow! me!

607. - Stupid prick can't even fly. - It's the hat.

608. - It's not the hat. - Reckon that hat's got some bad hoodoo in it, huh?

609. There's nothing wrong with the hat, Elvis!

610. Later, losers— ow!

611. And that's a wrap on the Mixed-Up Mansion.

612. Hello? You can go, too.

613. The job wasn't easy, but the owners couldn't be happier.

614. thought he was dead.

615. I can't believe he came back for that.

616. - What are you doing?

617. You got what you want.

618. - off. - This is disgusting!

619. Okay, but we still need to get

620. the pre-credits button.

621. What makes you think we give a

622. about the pre-credits button?

623. It's just, if you don't, you won't get

624. your full payment for the episode.

625. I think it comes out to, like, $1,200.

626. - Oh, is it? - Ooh, not too shabby.

627. What I will just say

628. is that now that Laszlo's cursed hat is finally gone,

629. the fire that's always going on in the boiler room has gone out.

630. Yes!

631. And the sewage flooding in the basement

632. has dried up somewhat.

633. Thank you, Go Flip Yourself.

634. And I'm pleased to report the raccoons have stopped

635. under the sofa.

636. Well... most of them have.

637. On the next Go Flip Yourself,

638. Bran takes on his toughest challenge yet.

639. And the electric stove top wasn't really

640. working for you, was it Amanda?

641. - I mean, it worked. - And that's why all

642. the real restaurant chefs— say it with me—

643. only cook with gas.

644. Yeah! All right, let's fire

645. this baby up and make some

646. of your world-famous spaghetti, huh?

647. - Let's do it. - Let's do it!

648. Go Flip Yourself.