What We Do in the Shadows 4x10

1. Baby Colin is miserable,

2. and it's a mystery to me.

3. Seems like only yesterday when he danced and sang and was

4. full of joys and smiles.

5. Now he barely talks to me.

6. And when he does, it's very unpleasant.

7. Shit. Have you got enough toys on the floor?

8. I say, can you take the headphones off?

9. My headphones are on.

10. Yeah, I know. Can you take them off?

11. Just for one second.

12. Hold on. What?

13. I was thinking, why don't we hop the fence at the zoo

14. and see if those baby rhinos have grown

15. - since the last time we - Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now.

16. looked at them.

17. Thank you.

18. Why are you still here?

19. - Okay. Uh... - Huh?

20. I know he has the body of a man now,

21. but it was literally last week when he was but a small boy.

22. And I've read all the relevant literature

23. on the trials and tribulations of being a young person,

24. but it's provided me with no guidance at all.

25. He doesn't even enjoy his playdates anymore.

26. - He's really had quite the growth spurt, hasn't he?

27. Ain't that the truth, Alison? You see, he's on the cusp

28. - of that awkward age.

29. - No, I'm on base. I'm on base!

30. Dylan!

31. Dylan said that the staircase

32. was base, and I was touching base, but he hit me anyway!

33. - It wasn't fair! - It's all right.

34. I wish you were dead, Dylan!

35. - No, no, come on. No, you don't. - Yes, I do!

36. It's like he's half kid, half adult.

37. It's okay.

38. I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson

39. and he sounds like Colin Robinson, but mentally

40. - he's all over the place. - So, you're gonna hold the bat.

41. - Why? - As the other parental figure in his life,

42. I thought I'd have the opportunity to teach him things.

43. Swing! All right!

44. - Okay. It's okay. I'll get it. - It just happened so fast.

45. Just...

46. So you really want to look at the ball, okay?

47. - I did look at the ball. - The only thing that seems to give him

48. any joy these days and has done since he learned to walk

49. is hammering holes

50. in his old room in the basement.

51. Now, I've tried to stop him,

52. but it seems like a healthy release

53. for this seemingly relentless

54. and unwarranted anger.

55. Now that we don't have Baby Colin as our big draw,

56. the nightclub has just gone to a big steaming shit!

57. - I wouldn't say "shit," but... - Well, I would.

58. And we still don't have even close to enough money

59. - to repair the house. - But we're not giving up.

60. She's full of ideas, this one.

61. I am. I still think we should try

62. that all-vampire freestyle rap battle again.

63. It's no good. Vampires are too hotheaded.

64. And then there was

65. the human improvisational comedy troupe.

66. Okay, so, to get us started,

67. first we're gonna need a suggestion.

68. Suck each other's dicks!

69. - Yeah! - Seems like vampires

70. just don't get improv comedy.

71. Because it's not funny.

72. More like a location.

73. Suck each other's dicks

74. - in outer space!

75. You know, I really thought

76. that Laszlo showcasing his new songs

77. would be a big hit.

78. - Come on, join in, you stupid... - Fuck off, Laszlo!

79. But we're still making a little bit of income.

80. Yes, a little trickle.

81. - But we're really scraping

82. - the bottom - Shh.

83. of the old desperate barrel at this point.

84. A lot of bachelorette parties.

85. And then we worked so hard

86. on the haunted house.

87. Seemed like a slam dunk.

88. It's like, did they just order the costumes off of Amazon?

89. - Yeah, let's get out of here.

90. Children's birthday parties are now, unfortunately,

91. our biggest draw.

92. Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs!

93. Upstairs out-of-bounds!

94. I got you!

95. This one!

96. He keeps cheating me!

97. It's just a phase. He'll grow out of it.

98. Well, at the rate he's growing,

99. he should have grown out of it already.

100. Well, at least he's not a boring energy vampire.

101. I'd rather he was boring than this insolent monster.

102. With respect,

103. the trouble is that neither of you know how to speak

104. to the younger generation in their own language.

105. What, and you do?

106. Some of my finest soldiers

107. were just teenagers.

108. It was essential to communicate

109. with them in their own lingo—

110. or gutter patois, if you will—

111. to inspire and motivate them

112. onto the battlefield

113. because we'd usually put the youngsters at the front.

114. - And they would instantly

115. be mowed down by the attacking army.

116. So they were always a little

117. reluctant to stand there.

118. - You know what? I will fix.

119. We're fucked.

120. Watch and learn.

121. Very cool tunes.

122. I, too, get off on rocking out

123. to cool tunes like these.

124. - But you know,

125. there's more to life than just...

126. - Dude. - But you know,

127. there's more to life than just

128. rocking out to cool tunes.

129. - Like what? - Ah,

130. you're probably too young to grok

131. what I'm trying to lay down.

132. One of the all-time

133. coolest ways of rocking out is to be nice and polite

134. to your housemates and to your elders.

135. Wow. R-Really?

136. A-A-And you think this could work for me?

137. I... I do.

138. Thanks, man.

139. Uh, thank you for blessing me

140. with these pearls of wisdom.

141. You are very welcome...

142. man.

143. You see?

144. You just have to know how to speak their language.

145. If anyone complains, that's when you can kill them.

146. And I was wondering... Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja.

147. - Oh. - May I introduce to you

148. to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum?

149. - Hmm. - Oh.

150. Mr. Barnum was just giving me some great advice

151. - about bringing in the crowds. - Mm-hmm.

152. Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us just one moment.

153. Okay, thank you.

154. P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago.

155. - Is he a vampire? - Yeah, don't ask me to explain.

156. Well, I feel like I must ask you to explain.

157. - Ah, it's no big deal. - Well, I'm your boss,

158. so do you want me to use my loud voice?

159. - Hi, guys. - Oh, for... - Oh, hi.

160. Uh, hey, uh, sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting.

161. - You are. - Oh.

162. I just wanted to give you

163. this CD of some songs that I

164. burned for you. I mean, I-I didn't burn it just for you,

165. 'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic.

166. Well, I had an extra CD, I guess, and so...

167. Thank you, Colin.

168. I will definitely figure out

169. how to listen to this.

170. If you like the songs,

171. maybe we could hang out sometime.

172. And if you don't like the songs, I don't really give a shit.

173. So, either way, it's, you know, whatever.

174. All right, later. Bye.

175. - Speak, bitch. - All right.

176. But you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone.

177. Over the last few decades, I have come across

178. some books in the Vampiric Council library

179. that contain the most forbidden-est

180. of secret knowledges, and I have learned

181. the ancient art form of summoning the dead.

182. - But this is witchcraft.

183. Cut that out.

184. So you can bring any person back from the dead?

185. Only the ones that I own the souls of.

186. One moment.

187. Mr. Barnum, right this way, please.

188. May I present...

189. the second finest collection

190. of human dead souls in these United States.

191. Wow.

192. And who has the finest collection?

193. Some rich computer guy.

194. So, um, how do you turn these souls back into people?

195. Now, sadly,

196. once the souls are reanimated into human form,

197. they only live for about 24 hours

198. and then they dissolve back

199. into the ingredients from whence they came.

200. - Oh. Ooh. - Okay, hand me the soul.

201. Okay. Thank you. And in it goes.

202. Oh, it stinks.

203. That's life, baby. Take it in.

204. Hello?

205. - Ah!

206. It worked.

207. - Scott Joplin, I presume?

208. Happy to make your acquaintance, madam.

209. - And yours. - Uh, and you as well, madam.

210. Look, uh, we all make mistakes.

211. It's no big deal.

212. Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean,

213. 'cause he stole your car.

214. I was gonna bring it back.

215. I beg your pardon?

216. I said I was going to bring it back.

217. Listen, he was just taking it

218. for a little joyride.

219. Colin, maybe you could help us

220. understand what you were thinking.

221. - I don't know. - Your behavior

222. is nothing like the Colin we know.

223. The Colin you know? You don't know me at all.

224. I mean, you can't tell me who my parents are

225. or where I came from

226. or why I have these thoughts in my head

227. about hammering holes

228. - in the wall. - We don't know ourselves!

229. You can't tell me why I grew

230. a foot and a half overnight like a human radish.

231. Listen, you ungrateful fuck, you're giving me the pip.

232. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - We're doing our best here.

233. Oh, well, that makes me feel so much better.

234. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys, guys, guys.

235. All right, you cheeky fuck.

236. Things are getting

237. a little too heated in here.

238. Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it.

239. - He started it. - Okay, listen,

240. my dad and I used to fight

241. like this all the time!

242. And nothing good came from it!

243. - You understand me? - Yes.

244. - Okay. - But my pops and I,

245. we were able to figure out a way to settle our differences.

246. And that's what we're gonna do right now. So, get up.

247. - What? - Get up.

248. Both of youse.

249. Let's do it. You can trust Seanie.

250. All right, face each other.

251. - We are. - Good. Make eye contact.

252. Okay? Good enough.

253. Now, I'm gonna count down from three.

254. When I say go, start swinging.

255. - Wait, what? - First one to tap out,

256. other one's head of the household.

257. - Three, two, one... - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

258. - We're not doing that. - Come on!

259. Wait, it-it's-it's all right. I feel better now.

260. I'm sorry that I disappointed you.

261. Mm.

262. There's got to be a "but."

263. No, no "buts." Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can

264. go find a tow truck and get your

265. - car out of Richmond Creek. - Good man.

266. Come on. I mean, I'd rather take the insurance,

267. but...

268. He's a lot calmer and more pleasant

269. when he's made me angry.

270. - He's feeding on us.

271. - But not by boring us,

272. but by infuriating us.

273. - I think you might be right. - Colin Robinson

274. is and will always be

275. - an energy vampire. - Yeah.

276. Which means I have to tell him.

277. I have to tell him exactly what he is.

278. Why didn't you tell me about this secret wisdom

279. and this collection of souls? I can't believe it.

280. Well, you don't seem very interested

281. when I try to share things about my life.

282. - Hey, what about asking

283. Diamond Jim Brady for some tips about the crowds, huh?

284. He was a noted gourmand and nightlife habitué.

285. No.

286. The reanimated humans themselves

287. will be the show.

288. Imagine the crowds we will get.

289. The greatest minds in all of human history

290. together onstage for one night only

291. - at Nadja's. - Wow.

292. I really should have thought of that.

293. Yeah. It's actually very troubling that you didn't.

294. Ah!

295. So, it's not going so well. I told Nadja

296. she might want to do some homework before the panel,

297. but she said she just wanted to wing it.

298. Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky.

299. Food for bloody thought. Now, um,

300. Lady Murasaki Shikibu,

301. some say your Tales of Genji

302. created the literary form we now call the novel.

303. So, I must ask you,

304. where do you get your ideas from?

305. Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want

306. to jump in anytime, just feel like a normal

307. conversation, where we all cut in each other and...

308. Too true.

309. - An energy vampire? - Yeah.

310. And so there's...

311. like, nothing I can do to-to change it?

312. No. I'm afraid not, my boy.

313. You see, it's genetics. It's beyond our control.

314. If I'd have been told when I was your age

315. that I'd be burdened with rugged good looks,

316. a rapier wit, and a thick cock,

317. I, too, would have protested, but, uh, them's the breaks.

318. Just... an energy vampire,

319. it just, it sounds so awful.

320. Yeah, it's not great.

321. Well, why didn't you do something?

322. You should have ought to done something about it

323. instead of just sitting here.

324. You know the saying, "Man makes plans and...

325. hmm, laughs."

326. Who, God?

327. - Now you're blaming God?

328. Who next, Baby Jesus?

329. - I hate you!

330. Shit, that's painful.

331. I'm doing fine, I guess.

332. You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone

333. and Colin basically all grown up,

334. I feel like there's not much for me to do around here.

335. So, I guess this is what it feels like

336. to be an empty nester.

337. I never thought I'd get bored of this job

338. 'cause there's always

339. something to do, but nothing ever changes,

340. even in my personal life.

341. I found my first boyfriend, and he...

342. left me for himself.

343. It's back to where it all started and the same

344. day in, day out.

345. It's like hamsters in those wheels.

346. I'm a hamster in a...

347. wheel.

348. Knock, knock. Seeing if you need anything.

349. No. All good. Thanks.

350. You're kind of quiet lately.

351. Are you sad because Marwa's gone?

352. There's nothing like the end of a relationship

353. to really make one appreciate being alone.

354. So that's it?

355. - That is what? - It was so important

356. for you to find a wife

357. and have a huge wedding,

358. and now that's all gone, and you're just fine?

359. Pretty much, yeah.

360. Don't you feel like nothing ever changes around here?

361. Like, every day just leads to the next

362. and then the next, and before you know it,

363. years go by?

364. Yes. Isn't it wonderful?

365. Okay.

366. So then what's next?

367. As you may have noticed,

368. I've really got back into reading books,

369. so I think

370. I'm just gonna do this for a while.

371. - Oh, for how long? - Not long.

372. 15 years, maybe 20.

373. As I once said,

374. you can only win over the opponent...

375. We figured out, we don't need to do these

376. in front of a live audience.

377. We can reach a bigger group of people by simply

378. recording it and then broadcasting it electronically.

379. Hello, and welcome to

380. Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos.

381. On tonight's episode...

382. Then we can make money by selling advertising on it.

383. Hatred is the subtlest form of violence...

384. If I could just, uh, quickly interrupt for a moment.

385. Would you be so kind as to read off

386. - this card, Mr. Gandhi? - Mm.

387. "Pan-seared steaks

388. "with hot honey biscuits.

389. "Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas.

390. "And those are just two of the signature dishes

391. - coming from" - Mmm, mmm.

392. "Blue Apron this month."

393. Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma,

394. when was the first time

395. you tried Blue Apron?

396. Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it.

397. Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway.

398. I-I wanted you to do

399. the Casper mattresses one before the next break.

400. So, the money from our sponsorships

401. was dependent on total listeners. We made Guillermo

402. listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents.

403. All that witchcraft for nothing.

404. Turns out the world just isn't ready

405. for electronic audio stories.

406. It also has no use

407. for a vampire nightclub.

408. Enough is enough.

409. I told The Guide to go and sleep at my house

410. for a girls night, and she obviously

411. jumped far too enthusiastically at that chance.

412. Ciao. Au revoir.

413. I told the wraiths that they've been working too hard,

414. so they should go on vacation.

415. Send me a postcard. See you when you're back.

416. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

417. You guys should probably get out of here.

418. It's over.

419. I said get out. Fuck off.

420. Move.

421. This is all my fault. If I had not accepted

422. your kind invitation last night—

423. - thank you again, by the way. - Mm-hmm.

424. I would have been here, and I could have

425. - kept this from happening. - Listen,

426. we can't be everywhere all the time, can we?

427. No, but we did get lucky.

428. Nothing actually got burned. Phew.

429. Nothing got burned?

430. The blood sprinklers went off

431. and extinguished the fire before it could

432. really get going.

433. - The blood sprinklers? - Yes.

434. The blood sprinklers that have never worked

435. any of the times we have tried to make them work?

436. This is making me very hungry.

437. So, your office

438. is the only room that got burned

439. because there are no blood sprinklers in it.

440. Yes.

441. I am so upset right now.

442. So, I was just wondering, um,

443. how much money can we get for this?

444. Depends what kind of insurance you have.

445. What is "insur-suriance,"

446. and, uh, where can we get some?

447. Uh, probably a little late for that at this point.

448. You said you had a floor plan

449. - I can take a look at? - Yes, right this way.

450. Shit.

451. I haven't been making the best decisions recently,

452. thanks to all the delicious liquor blood I've been drinking.

453. My money.

454. She was so fresh and green,

455. and now the faces are all burnt!

456. No. The way it works

457. is you buy the insurance

458. before something bad happens,

459. - and then... - No, I think, my friend,

460. you buy. And did you buy? No.

461. How much money could we get

462. if we set him on fire?

463. - Hey, hey. What's up?

464. How's it hanging?

465. L-O-L. R-O-F-L.

466. Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F.

467. All those acronyms, I love them.

468. Colin Robinson?

469. Is it really you?

470. Well, it's not Don Knotts.

471. - But how the shit have you... - Oh, well,

472. the great thing about keeping a detailed diary is,

473. if you ever forget anything about your life,

474. you can look it up. It's also great

475. for receipts. Now, a lot of people

476. keep receipts, but they forget to write down

477. what they were for, which causes

478. a major headache come tax time.

479. Whether you hire an accountant or

480. you do it online by yourself,

481. you're gonna miss some deductions

482. because you won't be able to reference

483. what they were when Johnny Taxman

484. - comes and... - Colin Robinson, tell me something,

485. a while ago, we went to a lads night at Sean's house,

486. and as we entered his premises,

487. you used some ridiculous childish voice.

488. Meesa Jar Jar Binks.

489. - It's him. - Ah. Well,

490. welcome back, original Colin Robinson. Now,

491. how much money do we have in our bank account?

492. Uh, around $655,415

493. and change.

494. - Oh, yes, very nice.

495. Now, I wanted to roll that

496. into a Roth IRA, not to be confused...

497. What's our bank account PIN code?

498. Oh, our personal identification number

499. is 420, 69, 24, 7.

500. I'll call the contractors in the morning.

501. Actually, if it's to fix up this shithole,

502. I'll do it.

503. If there's anything I enjoy more

504. than managing a project,

505. it's micromanaging a project.

506. And, so, after you replace these pipes,

507. - we're gonna want to put in... - New Sheetrock and...

508. Excuse me, if I may finish.

509. We're gonna want to put on half-inch

510. VOC-absorbing drywall,

511. not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said.

512. Uh, Laszlo, what do you want to do with this race car bed?

513. Do you want to keep it, or can we get rid of it?

514. Well...

515. that's your bed.

516. Well, it was.

517. I-I-I've never seen this bed in my life.

518. All right, well, shitcan the bed.

519. Now let's head downstairs.

520. I want to give you guys a couple quick tips

521. on how to remove old Formica tiling.

522. The asbestos

523. in the adhesive

524. - can become quite a... - Colin?

525. - Yeah. - So, you really don't remember

526. anything from the last year?

527. Uh, no. Not really.

528. I-I remember it was my 100th birthday party,

529. and I had a bit of, uh, tummy trouble,

530. - Right. - and the next thing I remember is,

531. I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah,

532. everything in between's a blank.

533. You don't remember me bringing you up from a small baby?

534. No. No, not at all.

535. Do you remember, um,

536. me playing the piano and you singing and dancing?

537. And then sometimes we'd jump over the fence at the zoo

538. in the middle of the night to look at the baby rhinos?

539. Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell.

540. - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.

541. - You sure? - Yeah.

542. Do-do you smell toast or anything?

543. - I'm-I'm good. - All right.

544. Nothing ever changes in this house.

545. Nothing is ever going to change,

546. unless I change it.

547. So, that's it for me.

548. Oh, and you guys can use my room for storage if you want.

549. I won't need it.

550. Derek?

551. Yeah, in the back.

552. Derek.

553. Yeah, back here.

554. I just got to finish this account. 24 times 18.

555. Okay. What is so urgent?

556. Well, Derek...

557. this...

558. is for you.

559. Whoa.

560. - What did I do to deserve this? - Nothing.

561. It's what you're about to do.

562. Which is?

563. You're gonna make me a vampire.