1. Mom.
Copy !req
2. Mom.
Copy !req
3. The President kissed me.
Copy !req
4. Let's try this.
Copy !req
5. What does this look like? Huh?
Copy !req
6. Nandor's deprogramming is
taking longer than we thought.
Copy !req
7. Bat. Okay, let's try this.
Who am I?
Copy !req
8. "It's me, Nandor.
The world's greatest vampire."
Copy !req
9. I'm you.
Copy !req
10. Okay, how about this?
Copy !req
11. Well, well, well.
Copy !req
12. Seems like what we have here is
a failure to communicate.
Copy !req
13. The prisoner will be reminded
not to try to bend these bars,
Copy !req
14. - or he might just end up
getting the prod.
Copy !req
15. It's, uh...
it's, uh, getting hot.
Copy !req
16. It got hot.
Copy !req
17. Can I have the—
Thank you, Nandor.
Copy !req
18. So, it has come to this?
Copy !req
19. My own friends imprisoning me
Copy !req
20. on the word of
my own simpleminded familiar.
Copy !req
21. - Bodyguard.
- Familiar.
Nandor,
Copy !req
22. we are just trying to help you.
Copy !req
23. I mean, look at you.
You are clearly brainwashed.
Copy !req
24. I am not brainwashed.
Copy !req
25. For years I have single-handedly
held this house together.
Copy !req
26. - You mock me.
Copy !req
27. You disrespect me,
you contradict me.
Copy !req
28. Uh, no, we don't.
Copy !req
29. Laszlo.
Copy !req
30. You are the laziest vampire
I have ever had
Copy !req
31. the misfortune of meeting.
Copy !req
32. Thank you.
Copy !req
33. Born with a silver dick
in your mouth.
Copy !req
34. - Huh.
- Never even lifted a hand
to help me in this house.
Copy !req
35. - Nope.
- Because they were both
too occupied
Copy !req
36. giving constant self-pleasure.
Copy !req
37. Nadja,
you openly laugh and mock me
Copy !req
38. for my romantic tribulations.
Copy !req
39. - Which are a cause
of great pain for me.
Copy !req
40. And when it comes to matters
of the Vampiric Council,
Copy !req
41. when I say to do A,
Copy !req
42. it is guaranteed
that you will say, "Do B."
Copy !req
43. Uh, do me next.
This is fun.
Copy !req
44. I would not even
remember your name
Copy !req
45. if it was not written
on a piece of paper
Copy !req
46. that I keep in my pocket
at all times.
Copy !req
47. - Shit, Nandor. That's low.
- Yeah.
Copy !req
48. That wasn't as fun
as I thought it might be.
Copy !req
49. And you!
Copy !req
50. I finally find a place
where I am happy.
Copy !req
51. You drag me away from
my new life back into this hell.
Copy !req
52. I'm sorry, Master.
Copy !req
53. I am sick and tired
of being sick and tired,
Copy !req
54. which is why I've decided
there is only one solution.
Copy !req
55. It is time...
Copy !req
56. for me to take a Super Slumber.
Copy !req
57. - No, no, no, no. That's— No.
Oh, it can't be.
Copy !req
58. - That's a terrible idea.
- What's happening?
Copy !req
59. What's happening?
Copy !req
60. A Super Slumber is
an act performed
Copy !req
61. by the most desperate
of vampire.
Copy !req
62. It is basically
a vampire hibernation.
Copy !req
63. It is performed when times are
particularly hard for vampires.
Copy !req
64. A way of sitting out
a bad epoch in history.
Copy !req
65. The Super Slumber consists
of a vampire
Copy !req
66. - sleeping for either
50 years, 100 years,
Copy !req
67. or worst-case scenario,
Copy !req
68. up to 300 years.
Copy !req
69. It is a choice worse than death.
Copy !req
70. Those who enter
Super Slumber fall
Copy !req
71. into a dark,
dreamless existence.
Copy !req
72. When they wake,
they are weak, pathetic, empty,
Copy !req
73. - starved nothings.
- And every human being
they knew is dead,
Copy !req
74. and every vampire they knew is
scattered to the four winds
Copy !req
75. and started a new life
without them.
Copy !req
76. It really is the most desperate
measure for any vampire.
Copy !req
77. And it must be respected.
Copy !req
78. I wish it had not come to this,
but it has.
Copy !req
79. Perhaps we will
see each other again.
Copy !req
80. But probably not.
Copy !req
81. - Nandor, if I may?
- Yes.
Copy !req
82. "Nandor the Relentless,
Copy !req
83. "I have enjoyed
our time together
Copy !req
84. - at the Vampiric Council
where we have achieved so much."
- Mm.
Copy !req
85. Because together we get it done.
Copy !req
86. "May this Super Slumber ease
your pain,
Copy !req
87. "and may you awaken to a world
Copy !req
88. that is kinder to you
than we have been."
Copy !req
89. Thank you, Nadja.
Copy !req
90. - I, too, have written something.
Yes.
Copy !req
91. "Nan."
Copy !req
92. - That's it.
Copy !req
93. Sorry, old chap, I thought I'd
written more, but I haven't.
Copy !req
94. - Thank you for that kind word.
Copy !req
95. There, there, Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
96. Let not my departure upset you.
Copy !req
97. No, it's not that.
It's just...
Copy !req
98. I can't help but think
that you're doing this
Copy !req
99. to get out of coming to
my 100th birthday party tonight.
Copy !req
100. I did not even know that
it was your birthday today.
Copy !req
101. And that's another reason
I'm crying!
Copy !req
102. Okay, well...
Copy !req
103. kind of thought this moment was
gonna be a bit more about me,
Copy !req
104. but, uh, anyway, thank you all.
Copy !req
105. And now,
I bid you all farewell.
Copy !req
106. Oh, farewell.
- Farewell. Farewell.
Copy !req
107. And...
Copy !req
108. Don't film us like this.
Copy !req
109. Colin, come on.
Copy !req
110. - Eat shit.
Copy !req
111. Aye. Thank you.
Copy !req
112. Let go of my hand!
Copy !req
113. I wish you weren't doing this,
Master.
Copy !req
114. My dear Guillermo.
Copy !req
115. You will miss me.
Copy !req
116. Close the lid.
Copy !req
117. Please, guys.
Copy !req
118. Does everything have to be
on camera?
Copy !req
119. Just— can you please
just give me like a minute?
Copy !req
120. Just please.
Copy !req
121. Well...
Copy !req
122. what's done is done.
Copy !req
123. I come bearing news.
Copy !req
124. Why can't you use a fucking door
like anyone else?
Copy !req
125. What's the point of
being able to turn into smoke
Copy !req
126. if you're just going to
go around using doors?
Copy !req
127. - What is your news?
Copy !req
128. "The Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council
Copy !req
129. "has invited you to receive
Copy !req
130. "a delegation
from the Old World...
Copy !req
131. - "... here at your home,
Copy !req
132. "with the intent of inspecting
Copy !req
133. the progress you've made thus
far in running the council."
Copy !req
134. This is a huge honor for us,
Copy !req
135. but like all huge honors,
it's a pain in the nutsack.
Copy !req
136. - But a huge honor all the same.
- Yes.
Copy !req
137. I have always dreamed of meeting
someone important.
Copy !req
138. No one important
ever came to our village.
Copy !req
139. There was one time
that the rubbish man came
Copy !req
140. to collect all the shit,
and he assigned, uh,
Copy !req
141. pieces of rubbish for
the children and autographed it.
Copy !req
142. We danced for
the next three months,
Copy !req
143. so you can imagine
this is just...
Copy !req
144. Wow! Very exciting for me.
Copy !req
145. And when will this
delegation be arriving?
Copy !req
146. Let's see, on the night of...
Copy !req
147. tonight.
Copy !req
148. - What?
- At the hour of 8:30.
Copy !req
149. 8:30 tonight?
Copy !req
150. - Mm-hmm.
This is all very,
very soon.
Copy !req
151. Maybe they could come
tomorrow night,
Copy !req
152. and then we could
really lay on a really...
Copy !req
153. The Supreme Worldwide
Vampiric Council
Copy !req
154. does not shift things around
in their book!
Copy !req
155. All right, all right.
Keep your hair on.
Copy !req
156. I've already arranged for some
local vampires to come round
Copy !req
157. for Colin Robinson's birthday.
Copy !req
158. The more the merrier.
Copy !req
159. - Wait. I-I have to share
my birthday party with a...
Yes!
Copy !req
160. You're lucky to have
a birthday party!
Copy !req
161. It's true. And now,
you and Nandor should prepare
Copy !req
162. some remarks about running
the council together.
Copy !req
163. - They're very intrigued.
Well, the thing is...
Copy !req
164. - 8:30 is perfect, thank you.
Wonderful.
Copy !req
165. Geez Louise.
Copy !req
166. - Ideas?
- I should wake him up?
Copy !req
167. - We'll just wake him up.
I should
wake him up.
Copy !req
168. - Wake him up.
- Okay.
Copy !req
169. Master?
Copy !req
170. Master, I'm sorry.
Copy !req
171. Master?
Copy !req
172. Who is there,
and what is going on?
Copy !req
173. Sorry, it's me, Guillermo.
Sorry.
Copy !req
174. Wow.
Copy !req
175. 800 years really went by
so fast.
Copy !req
176. - Well, that's because
technically...
- Oh.
Copy !req
177. Guillermo, you look awful.
Copy !req
178. - Okay.
- The ravages of time have
not been kind to you
Copy !req
179. and your formerly boyish face.
Copy !req
180. Okay, well, it's because it—
not a lot of time has gone...
Copy !req
181. - Tell me.
- You've been asleep
for 30 minutes.
Copy !req
182. Then why are you waking me up?
Copy !req
183. This is not an emergency at all.
Copy !req
184. But we have told everyone
Copy !req
185. that we are coleaders
of the council.
Copy !req
186. Fine. I hereby
relinquish my control.
Copy !req
187. You are now sole leader.
Copy !req
188. Congratulations,
long live the Queen.
Copy !req
189. - Good night forever.
- But the delegation is going
to think...
Copy !req
190. - Nandor, come back. Come back.
What?
Copy !req
191. Why don't you just delay
your Super Slumber
Copy !req
192. a couple of days?
Copy !req
193. You wouldn't miss
Colin Robinson's birthday.
Copy !req
194. - Why do you have
such a cock up...
- Why would I give
Copy !req
195. - a flying fuck about that?
- ... for Colin Robinson's
birthday?
Copy !req
196. Just inform the delegation
that I was a threat to power,
Copy !req
197. so you killed me.
Copy !req
198. You rule without mercy,
remember?
Copy !req
199. - They love that shit.
- That would be
a humiliating end for you.
Copy !req
200. Who cares? Not me.
Copy !req
201. So, good night, forever.
Copy !req
202. See you in 100 years,
probably not.
Copy !req
203. Master, I really wish
you weren't doing this.
Copy !req
204. Again with the "make me
a vampire" shit?
Copy !req
205. No. No, no, I don't even
care about that anymore.
Copy !req
206. - I just...
I don't want you to go.
Copy !req
207. So just stick around
for the next 100 years,
Copy !req
208. and we'll be together again
when I wake up.
Copy !req
209. I'll be 130 years old, aka dead.
Copy !req
210. You don't know that.
Copy !req
211. So maybe you should spend
the next 100 years
Copy !req
212. practicing to be
less of a pessimist.
Copy !req
213. - I'm closing the lid now,
thank you.
- No, w...
Copy !req
214. Guillermo!
- Sorry.
Copy !req
215. Just boarding your door.
Copy !req
216. Guillermo, what time is it,
and where is Colin Robinson?
Copy !req
217. - 8:28.
Copy !req
218. And he's on his way.
Copy !req
219. Shit, you haven't signed
his card.
Copy !req
220. That's Colin Robinson's
favorite song.
Copy !req
221. - Oh.
- Oh, good.
Copy !req
222. You guys added "The Hamster
Dance" to the playlist.
Copy !req
223. - I-I want to make sure
you gather around me
Copy !req
224. in a circle
when I do the Humpty Hump.
Copy !req
225. You betcha.
Copy !req
226. Oh, they're here!
Everyone line up. Positions.
Copy !req
227. The Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.
Copy !req
228. This is Contessa
Carmilla De Mornay.
Copy !req
229. She's 1,000 years old,
possibly did it with a horse.
Copy !req
230. Contessa,
it is such an honor.
Copy !req
231. The pleasure is mine.
Copy !req
232. Please, if you make
your way upstairs,
Copy !req
233. your blood banquet awaits you.
Copy !req
234. - Oh! Thank you.
Copy !req
235. Dominykas The Dreadful.
Copy !req
236. This is Dominykas The Dreadful.
Copy !req
237. It is said that
he started the fire
Copy !req
238. that burned down
the great Library of Alexandria.
Copy !req
239. - Well, me and another guy.
Copy !req
240. Dominykas The Dreadful's
human lady friend, Coco.
Copy !req
241. What?
What?
Copy !req
242. Okay, uh, so this is...
Copy !req
243. My companion.
Copy !req
244. - Partner.
- Girlfriend.
Copy !req
245. She keeps me young.
Copy !req
246. Yeah, we're engaged
to be engaged.
Copy !req
247. I don't want to put
a label on what we have,
Copy !req
248. - which really is so special.
- Welcome. If you head upstairs,
Copy !req
249. the blood banquet does await.
Copy !req
250. You know he's not going to die.
Copy !req
251. You're not going to get
his money.
Copy !req
252. - I'm gonna do
the Humpty Hump later.
Copy !req
253. This gentleman needs
no introduction.
Copy !req
254. He's very well-known to me.
Copy !req
255. This is Quinn,
the great vampire.
Copy !req
256. Right-hand man of Deacon Frost
of the House Erebus.
Copy !req
257. Just a role I played.
Donal Logue.
Copy !req
258. - So nice to meet you.
- Wait, so Donal Logue is
Copy !req
259. - on the Worldwide
Vampiric Council?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
260. I kind of got jumped in
after Blade came out.
Copy !req
261. But you are a vampire, yes?
Copy !req
262. Yes. Kind of a funny story.
Copy !req
263. I was not a vampire
when I filmed Blade,
Copy !req
264. but it was such a fun shoot
Copy !req
265. and I sort of fell in love
with the lifestyle,
Copy !req
266. so I decided to jump in
and go whole hog.
Copy !req
267. - Donal.
Copy !req
268. Please, head upstairs, everyone.
Copy !req
269. - The blood banquet awaits.
- And it's my birthday.
Copy !req
270. Do you happen to have
any human food for my consort?
Copy !req
271. She doesn't like blood,
Copy !req
272. and she doesn't care much
for grown-up food, either.
Copy !req
273. Uh, Guillermo,
do we have a— Oh.
Copy !req
274. Okay.
Bon appétit.
Your wish is my command.
Copy !req
275. There you go and voilà.
Copy !req
276. - Chicken nuggies
for the young lady
Copy !req
277. with a side of spaghetti
with only butter.
Copy !req
278. - Oh, my gosh. Okay, we need
the name of your chef.
Copy !req
279. Do you have any ranch?
Copy !req
280. Ranch for the human consort!
Copy !req
281. Oh, my God, she's loud.
Copy !req
282. More blood, anyone?
Copy !req
283. - May I?
- Oh, of course.
Copy !req
284. - That is what
they're there for.
- Oh, thank you.
Copy !req
285. Exquisite.
Copy !req
286. You must try him, but just a sip
Copy !req
287. - and pass him along.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
288. Thank you for sharing, Donal.
Copy !req
289. I say,
Copy !req
290. has everyone remembered to sign
Colin Robinson's birthday card?
Copy !req
291. You have all met
my wonderful husband, Laszlo.
Copy !req
292. Fuck off, Laszlo.
Copy !req
293. So, where is your coleader?
Copy !req
294. The famed Nandor The Relentless.
Copy !req
295. Ah, um, good—
The Nandor, yes, um...
Copy !req
296. Nandor was a threat to my power,
Copy !req
297. so, uh, in order to run
the council correctly,
Copy !req
298. I, um...
Copy !req
299. had no choice but to...
Copy !req
300. kill him dead.
Copy !req
301. - You what?
Copy !req
302. Excuse me?
Copy !req
303. - Excellent work, Nadja.
Copy !req
304. - How deliciously cutthroat.
- Huh.
Copy !req
305. You got to do what you
got to do and you did it.
Copy !req
306. I cannot hate on that.
Copy !req
307. - Oh!
Copy !req
308. I killed him.
Copy !req
309. In order to pay our final
respects to a vanquished foe,
Copy !req
310. could we...
Copy !req
311. see his body?
Copy !req
312. - Fix it.
- Okay.
Copy !req
313. Nothing would make me happier
Copy !req
314. than seeing the dead body
of your vanquished foe.
Copy !req
315. Master? Master? Master?
Copy !req
316. - Master?
Copy !req
317. You are kidding, right?
Copy !req
318. I have been in Super Slumber
for, what,
Copy !req
319. 20 minutes? Half an hour?
Copy !req
320. - It's actually been two hours.
- Oh, great.
Copy !req
321. A nice two-hour-long
Super Slumber.
Copy !req
322. I've had orgasms that
have lasted longer than that.
Copy !req
323. - Really?
- Yes!
Copy !req
324. And it's not as pleasant
as it might sound.
Copy !req
325. Well, as you know, the
delegation is here, and...
Copy !req
326. - Get to the good bit.
- Well, you need to pretend
Copy !req
327. to be dead so the delegation
can come see your dead body
Copy !req
328. and make sure that
you're actually dead.
Copy !req
329. Why did you not
just bring them in
Copy !req
330. and show me in Super Slumber?
Copy !req
331. A state that
so closely resembles death
Copy !req
332. no one would ever know
the difference.
Copy !req
333. Well, what if you
accidentally woke up
Copy !req
334. in the middle of
them looking at your body?
Copy !req
335. That's a good point,
Copy !req
336. but I think the point
I'd like to make
Copy !req
337. no one accidentally wakes up
Copy !req
338. - from a Super Slumber!
- Oh.
Copy !req
339. Not unless you come in here
and wake them up.
Copy !req
340. - Okay, well now that's—
that makes— that's clear.
- Is it, though?
Copy !req
341. Because it really seems
like it's not quite sinking in.
Copy !req
342. So... can I...
Copy !req
343. Yes, fine,
just bring these dummies in
Copy !req
344. and show them my dead body
so we can get this over with,
Copy !req
345. and I can finally commence
my long overdue
Copy !req
346. - and this time completely
uninterrupted— Hey!
Guillermo?
Copy !req
347. Yes, a dead body.
Copy !req
348. Guillermo? Is the body
ready for viewing yet?
Copy !req
349. - Yes, Mistress. It is.
Okay.
Copy !req
350. Everybody, come around. Please.
Copy !req
351. We're going to take
a very quick look
Copy !req
352. 'cause it is going to be
very sad.
Copy !req
353. Very quick.
Okay.
Copy !req
354. Front row seat.
- Reveal the corpse.
Copy !req
355. All right.
Copy !req
356. - And there it is
and that's enough.
- And then we...
Copy !req
357. It's just a very great loss
for vampiredom.
Copy !req
358. - Mm-hmm.
- Very sad.
Copy !req
359. He truly was one of the greats.
Copy !req
360. Was he, though? Eh.
Copy !req
361. As a warrior, yes, he was.
Copy !req
362. As a vampire, he was... okay.
Copy !req
363. Pretty good.
Copy !req
364. The jury is still out
on his legacy, I suppose.
Copy !req
365. I don't disagree.
Copy !req
366. Nandor The Relentless,
we hardly knew ye.
Copy !req
367. May he sleep well.
Copy !req
368. - Yes.
- You know,
Copy !req
369. we grow so weary
of eternal life,
Copy !req
370. and yet when we come
face-to-face with eternal death,
Copy !req
371. it really makes you think about
big things, doesn't it?
Copy !req
372. Yes, it does.
Copy !req
373. Speaking of big things,
Copy !req
374. I have heard that
in addition to being
Copy !req
375. a ferocious
and merciless warrior,
Copy !req
376. that Nandor
The Relentless had...
Copy !req
377. Yes!
Copy !req
378. I have heard this as well.
Copy !req
379. Heard what?
Copy !req
380. Oh, how to put this
respectfully?
Copy !req
381. Uh, it is said that he had one
of the most impressive members
Copy !req
382. - in all of vampiredom.
Copy !req
383. Both in length and in girth.
Copy !req
384. - Well, that's true.
Is it?
Copy !req
385. Um, I've heard—
I've also heard it said.
Copy !req
386. - Shall we take a peek?
Copy !req
387. Just for funsies?
Copy !req
388. - Oh.
- No.
- Just for funsies.
Copy !req
389. Oh, I-I think that would be
very disrespectful.
Copy !req
390. Dude is fucking dead.
It's not like he's gonna care.
Copy !req
391. I, too, want to see
this massive dong
Copy !req
392. with my own peepers.
Copy !req
393. Something to tell the grandkids
about when I get home.
Copy !req
394. Familiar, reveal his member.
Copy !req
395. With all due respect, Contessa,
Copy !req
396. - I'm not a familiar.
Copy !req
397. Reveal his member.
Copy !req
398. Of course.
Copy !req
399. Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Copy !req
400. As you wish, Contessa.
Copy !req
401. Here you go.
Copy !req
402. - Step aside.
Copy !req
403. Hmm.
Copy !req
404. Hmm.
Well, there it is.
Copy !req
405. Hmm.
Copy !req
406. Huh. What do we think?
Copy !req
407. It seems pretty average to me.
Copy !req
408. Not substandard but...
Copy !req
409. nothing special, really.
Copy !req
410. - Mm.
I-I also heard
Copy !req
411. that he was more of a grower
than a shower, so...
Copy !req
412. I don't think so.
Copy !req
413. Okay, well,
we-we've done that now, so...
Copy !req
414. Look, I am not saying
it's small.
Copy !req
415. No. No, it's not small.
Copy !req
416. - No.
- Maybe it was
the density of the member
Copy !req
417. that earned such acclaim.
Copy !req
418. Oh, no.
Copy !req
419. Hmm.
Copy !req
420. Anything of note?
Copy !req
421. No, it seems to be
of average weight,
Copy !req
422. and, uh— what's
the word I'm looking for?
Copy !req
423. Pliability?
Copy !req
424. I guess so. It's not...
Copy !req
425. Oh! "Wiggliness."
Copy !req
426. Yeah, just seems like a standard
mid-tier pecker to me.
Copy !req
427. - Hmm.
- Anyway, back to
the blood banquet.
Copy !req
428. - Is it this way?
- Yes! Everybody this way,
very quickly, come.
Copy !req
429. We don't want to...
Copy !req
430. Thank you.
Copy !req
431. - Lovely to see.
Well, that was...
Copy !req
432. much ado about nothing.
Is there a sanitizer?
Copy !req
433. Nandor could've benefited
Copy !req
434. from just a touch
of rigor mortis.
Copy !req
435. Thank you for that, Guillermo.
Copy !req
436. A wonderful send-off.
Copy !req
437. Now close the fucking lid
and get out of here.
Copy !req
438. Yes, Master.
Copy !req
439. So, now let us raise
a glass of blood
Copy !req
440. to our guests and to ourselves.
Copy !req
441. Vampires now
and vampires forever.
Copy !req
442. - Vampires forever!
Copy !req
443. Like we have a choice.
Copy !req
444. Well said, my darling,
well said.
Copy !req
445. You are a tough act to follow.
Copy !req
446. But indeed I must,
for today is an auspicious day
Copy !req
447. for a couple of reasons,
one of which...
Copy !req
448. we are joined
by such esteemed vampires.
Copy !req
449. The other happens to be
the 100th birthday
Copy !req
450. of our housemate, our friend,
Copy !req
451. and the energy vampire,
Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
452. Okay, why not?
Copy !req
453. Yes, uh, let us raise a toast
to Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
454. Cheers.
Copy !req
455. So, if every...
I remember
Copy !req
456. the first time
I met Colin Robinson,
Copy !req
457. I thought to myself, "How can
one man be so fucking dull?"
Copy !req
458. It's true to say,
Copy !req
459. he's left his mark
on Staten Island.
Copy !req
460. It's also true to say,
Copy !req
461. he's left his mark on my heart.
Copy !req
462. This is a wretched world
that we find ourselves in—
Copy !req
463. full of cruel,
disgusting people.
Copy !req
464. His main crime was
that he's dull.
Copy !req
465. I don't even particularly
like the fellow.
Copy !req
466. I mean, I can't stand the man,
Copy !req
467. but I'm proud to call him
my friend.
Copy !req
468. Please be upstanding
for Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
469. - Bravo!
- And again, Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
470. So, if you would like to
make your way to the library,
Copy !req
471. we have laid on
a live fuck show.
Copy !req
472. Yes, that's right.
Ooh!
Copy !req
473. You can take your clothes off
on the way out.
Copy !req
474. Right this way.
Yes.
Copy !req
475. Live fuck show?
Copy !req
476. What the fuck was that?
Copy !req
477. No one even knows
who Colin Robinson is,
Copy !req
478. let alone gives a bloody
piss about his birthday.
Copy !req
479. - Why are you so obsessed
with him at the moment?
- My darling.
Copy !req
480. - Colin Robinson is dying.
- What?
Copy !req
481. What?
Copy !req
482. Colin Robinson will be dead
by sunrise.
Copy !req
483. There's nothing
we can do about it.
Copy !req
484. I've known for months.
Copy !req
485. The very first time
Colin and I were
Copy !req
486. in the Vampiric Council Library,
Copy !req
487. he began searching
for information
Copy !req
488. about energy vampires
Copy !req
489. and how they're made
and where he came from.
Copy !req
490. I knew there was a page or two
on energy vampires
Copy !req
491. in Edmund Wheelwright's
Compendium Vampirium.
Copy !req
492. But what I found shocked me.
Copy !req
493. "Energy vampires," it said,
Copy !req
494. "have a life expectancy
of exactly 100 years."
Copy !req
495. Why are you ripping that page
out of that book?
Copy !req
496. I'll wank my way
and you wank yours.
Copy !req
497. On their 100th birthday
Copy !req
498. they expire.
Copy !req
499. So, does Colin know?
Copy !req
500. He doesn't.
Copy !req
501. I haven't had the heart
to tell him.
Copy !req
502. And eventually, I realized,
Copy !req
503. better for the poor bastard
to not know at all.
Copy !req
504. Better for me
to show him a good time
Copy !req
505. during his last months of life.
Copy !req
506. Just the dudes.
Copy !req
507. And I feel I succeeded,
Copy !req
508. but I also feel this could be
Copy !req
509. - the beginning of...
- Uh...
Copy !req
510. Hey, guys.
Copy !req
511. I think I'm gonna pass on the...
the fuck-and-suck show.
Copy !req
512. I'm feeling
a little funny tummy.
Copy !req
513. I'm gonna 23 skidoo
and lie down, take a nap.
Copy !req
514. Party on, dudes.
Copy !req
515. The dying has begun.
Copy !req
516. Ooh.
Copy !req
517. Hello, Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
518. Hey, buddy.
- Hey, dudes.
Copy !req
519. Sorry I... I'm ruining
my own birthday party.
Copy !req
520. You know what, though?
I feel like I'm rallying.
Copy !req
521. Maybe we can have
some birthday fun after all.
Copy !req
522. Oh, no, no,
don't exert yourself,
Copy !req
523. - dear friend.
Copy !req
524. - No.
Copy !req
525. - Oh, okay.
Oh.
Copy !req
526. That awkward moment.
Copy !req
527. No, it happens to the best
of us, doesn't it, boys?
Copy !req
528. You know? Is there anything
we can get you?
Copy !req
529. Can someone please
fetch me a, uh,
Copy !req
530. diet ginger ale
for my funny tummy?
Copy !req
531. He'll do that,
and in the meantime,
Copy !req
532. I think you should just recall
Copy !req
533. the last 100 years' worth
of fun and friendship.
Copy !req
534. Yeah, actually
I kind of feel like
Copy !req
535. the first 100 years
of my life were wasted, so...
Copy !req
536. - Starting tomorrow,
Copy !req
537. Colin Robinson's motto is
"young, dumb and full of cum."
Copy !req
538. Well, that sounds marvelous,
and, um,
Copy !req
539. if anyone else has
anything to say,
Copy !req
540. I would say
now is the time to say it.
Copy !req
541. Okay, Colin Robinson,
Copy !req
542. I know that sometimes you...
Copy !req
543. Did you fetch him the ginger ale
for his tummy?
Copy !req
544. - Can I speak?
- Well, his stomach's not gonna
repair itself, is it?
Copy !req
545. - Can I just speak please?
- Speak.
Copy !req
546. Colin Robinson...
Copy !req
547. - I know that we're not related,
you and I or anyone.
Copy !req
548. - He farted, not me.
Copy !req
549. - Carry on.
Copy !req
550. - And I was gonna say that
Copy !req
551. we don't treat each other,
sometimes,
Copy !req
552. with the upmost respect
or kindness,
Copy !req
553. but in a weird way
we're still a family.
Copy !req
554. We're like a big family here.
Copy !req
555. I'll be right back.
Copy !req
556. Diet ginger ale.
Copy !req
557. For his tummy.
Copy !req
558. Hello, Guillermo.
Copy !req
559. Did you bring more people
to yank on my pee-pee?
Copy !req
560. No, Master.
Copy !req
561. Colin Robinson is dying,
Copy !req
562. and I figured we should all be
together for that.
Copy !req
563. Oh.
Copy !req
564. You're too late.
He's gone.
Copy !req
565. - He's dead?
Yes.
Copy !req
566. He let out one last quiet fart,
Copy !req
567. a gentle one,
and then he expired.
Copy !req
568. You guys are really incredible,
you know that?
Copy !req
569. This fucking guy is not dead.
Copy !req
570. Nandor, he's dead.
Copy !req
571. Do you not remember
the last time he was dead?
Copy !req
572. When we dug his grave
and we buried him in the ground,
Copy !req
573. and it turned out he was
faking it the whole time
Copy !req
574. just to get attention.
Copy !req
575. And that was like
the fifth time we'd fallen
Copy !req
576. for his,
"Oh, I'm dead" thing.
Copy !req
577. - Yes, well, this time
it is real, Nandor.
- Enough!
Copy !req
578. Wake up, Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
579. Hey! Wakey, wakey!
Copy !req
580. Don't make me tickle you now.
Copy !req
581. Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Copy !req
582. Enough of this shit.
Copy !req
583. Hey!
Copy !req
584. - Oh!
Copy !req
585. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
586. Guess he wasn't faking it.
Copy !req
587. Well, this is very sad.
Copy !req
588. We're not safe here.
Copy !req
589. We don't really
live in this world.
Copy !req
590. We feed off of it.
Copy !req
591. Aliens.
Copy !req
592. Mother of God!
Copy !req
593. How have you
not gone insane?
Copy !req
594. Once you sell your soul,
it's gone.
Copy !req
595. Boom!
Copy !req
596. It's breaking
all the rules.
Copy !req
597. And I'm here for that.
Copy !req
598. My name is B. J. Novak.
I wanna tell you
about this show I made.
Copy !req
599. It's a completely different
episode every time.
Copy !req
600. - Pop culture.
- Sex.
Copy !req
601. Revenge.
Copy !req
602. Here it is. Is that it?
Copy !req
603. That's it.
Copy !req
604. It happened
pretty fast.
Copy !req
605. The world
has changed.
Copy !req
606. His survivor's classified.
Copy !req
607. Nobody can know
about him.
Copy !req
608. People are going
to have to pick sides.
Copy !req
609. I think it's going
to get worse
Copy !req
610. before it gets better.
Copy !req
611. Run!
Copy !req
612. I imagine
that you attract
Copy !req
613. quite a bit
of attention.
Copy !req
614. You know, more than before.
That's for sure.
Copy !req