What We Do in the Shadows 3x9

1. Mom.

2. Mom.

3. The President kissed me.

4. Let's try this.

5. What does this look like? Huh?

6. Nandor's deprogramming is taking longer than we thought.

7. Bat. Okay, let's try this. Who am I?

8. "It's me, Nandor. The world's greatest vampire."

9. I'm you.

10. Okay, how about this?

11. Well, well, well.

12. Seems like what we have here is a failure to communicate.

13. The prisoner will be reminded not to try to bend these bars,

14. - or he might just end up getting the prod.

15. It's, uh... it's, uh, getting hot.

16. It got hot.

17. Can I have the— Thank you, Nandor.

18. So, it has come to this?

19. My own friends imprisoning me

20. on the word of my own simpleminded familiar.

21. - Bodyguard. - Familiar. Nandor,

22. we are just trying to help you.

23. I mean, look at you. You are clearly brainwashed.

24. I am not brainwashed.

25. For years I have single-handedly held this house together.

26. - You mock me.

27. You disrespect me, you contradict me.

28. Uh, no, we don't.

29. Laszlo.

30. You are the laziest vampire I have ever had

31. the misfortune of meeting.

32. Thank you.

33. Born with a silver dick in your mouth.

34. - Huh. - Never even lifted a hand to help me in this house.

35. - Nope. - Because they were both too occupied

36. giving constant self-pleasure.

37. Nadja, you openly laugh and mock me

38. for my romantic tribulations.

39. - Which are a cause of great pain for me.

40. And when it comes to matters of the Vampiric Council,

41. when I say to do A,

42. it is guaranteed that you will say, "Do B."

43. Uh, do me next. This is fun.

44. I would not even remember your name

45. if it was not written on a piece of paper

46. that I keep in my pocket at all times.

47. - Shit, Nandor. That's low. - Yeah.

48. That wasn't as fun as I thought it might be.

49. And you!

50. I finally find a place where I am happy.

51. You drag me away from my new life back into this hell.

52. I'm sorry, Master.

53. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired,

54. which is why I've decided there is only one solution.

55. It is time...

56. for me to take a Super Slumber.

57. - No, no, no, no. That's— No. Oh, it can't be.

58. - That's a terrible idea. - What's happening?

59. What's happening?

60. A Super Slumber is an act performed

61. by the most desperate of vampire.

62. It is basically a vampire hibernation.

63. It is performed when times are particularly hard for vampires.

64. A way of sitting out a bad epoch in history.

65. The Super Slumber consists of a vampire

66. - sleeping for either 50 years, 100 years,

67. or worst-case scenario,

68. up to 300 years.

69. It is a choice worse than death.

70. Those who enter Super Slumber fall

71. into a dark, dreamless existence.

72. When they wake, they are weak, pathetic, empty,

73. - starved nothings. - And every human being they knew is dead,

74. and every vampire they knew is scattered to the four winds

75. and started a new life without them.

76. It really is the most desperate measure for any vampire.

77. And it must be respected.

78. I wish it had not come to this, but it has.

79. Perhaps we will see each other again.

80. But probably not.

81. - Nandor, if I may? - Yes.

82. "Nandor the Relentless,

83. "I have enjoyed our time together

84. - at the Vampiric Council where we have achieved so much." - Mm.

85. Because together we get it done.

86. "May this Super Slumber ease your pain,

87. "and may you awaken to a world

88. that is kinder to you than we have been."

89. Thank you, Nadja.

90. - I, too, have written something. Yes.

91. "Nan."

92. - That's it.

93. Sorry, old chap, I thought I'd written more, but I haven't.

94. - Thank you for that kind word.

95. There, there, Colin Robinson.

96. Let not my departure upset you.

97. No, it's not that. It's just...

98. I can't help but think that you're doing this

99. to get out of coming to my 100th birthday party tonight.

100. I did not even know that it was your birthday today.

101. And that's another reason I'm crying!

102. Okay, well...

103. kind of thought this moment was gonna be a bit more about me,

104. but, uh, anyway, thank you all.

105. And now, I bid you all farewell.

106. Oh, farewell. - Farewell. Farewell.

107. And...

108. Don't film us like this.

109. Colin, come on.

110. - Eat shit.

111. Aye. Thank you.

112. Let go of my hand!

113. I wish you weren't doing this, Master.

114. My dear Guillermo.

115. You will miss me.

116. Close the lid.

117. Please, guys.

118. Does everything have to be on camera?

119. Just— can you please just give me like a minute?

120. Just please.

121. Well...

122. what's done is done.

123. I come bearing news.

124. Why can't you use a fucking door like anyone else?

125. What's the point of being able to turn into smoke

126. if you're just going to go around using doors?

127. - What is your news?

128. "The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council

129. "has invited you to receive

130. "a delegation from the Old World...

131. - "... here at your home,

132. "with the intent of inspecting

133. the progress you've made thus far in running the council."

134. This is a huge honor for us,

135. but like all huge honors, it's a pain in the nutsack.

136. - But a huge honor all the same. - Yes.

137. I have always dreamed of meeting someone important.

138. No one important ever came to our village.

139. There was one time that the rubbish man came

140. to collect all the shit, and he assigned, uh,

141. pieces of rubbish for the children and autographed it.

142. We danced for the next three months,

143. so you can imagine this is just...

144. Wow! Very exciting for me.

145. And when will this delegation be arriving?

146. Let's see, on the night of...

147. tonight.

148. - What? - At the hour of 8:30.

149. 8:30 tonight?

150. - Mm-hmm. This is all very, very soon.

151. Maybe they could come tomorrow night,

152. and then we could really lay on a really...

153. The Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council

154. does not shift things around in their book!

155. All right, all right. Keep your hair on.

156. I've already arranged for some local vampires to come round

157. for Colin Robinson's birthday.

158. The more the merrier.

159. - Wait. I-I have to share my birthday party with a... Yes!

160. You're lucky to have a birthday party!

161. It's true. And now, you and Nandor should prepare

162. some remarks about running the council together.

163. - They're very intrigued. Well, the thing is...

164. - 8:30 is perfect, thank you. Wonderful.

165. Geez Louise.

166. - Ideas? - I should wake him up?

167. - We'll just wake him up. I should wake him up.

168. - Wake him up. - Okay.

169. Master?

170. Master, I'm sorry.

171. Master?

172. Who is there, and what is going on?

173. Sorry, it's me, Guillermo. Sorry.

174. Wow.

175. 800 years really went by so fast.

176. - Well, that's because technically... - Oh.

177. Guillermo, you look awful.

178. - Okay. - The ravages of time have not been kind to you

179. and your formerly boyish face.

180. Okay, well, it's because it— not a lot of time has gone...

181. - Tell me. - You've been asleep for 30 minutes.

182. Then why are you waking me up?

183. This is not an emergency at all.

184. But we have told everyone

185. that we are coleaders of the council.

186. Fine. I hereby relinquish my control.

187. You are now sole leader.

188. Congratulations, long live the Queen.

189. - Good night forever. - But the delegation is going to think...

190. - Nandor, come back. Come back. What?

191. Why don't you just delay your Super Slumber

192. a couple of days?

193. You wouldn't miss Colin Robinson's birthday.

194. - Why do you have such a cock up... - Why would I give

195. - a flying fuck about that? - ... for Colin Robinson's birthday?

196. Just inform the delegation that I was a threat to power,

197. so you killed me.

198. You rule without mercy, remember?

199. - They love that shit. - That would be a humiliating end for you.

200. Who cares? Not me.

201. So, good night, forever.

202. See you in 100 years, probably not.

203. Master, I really wish you weren't doing this.

204. Again with the "make me a vampire" shit?

205. No. No, no, I don't even care about that anymore.

206. - I just... I don't want you to go.

207. So just stick around for the next 100 years,

208. and we'll be together again when I wake up.

209. I'll be 130 years old, aka dead.

210. You don't know that.

211. So maybe you should spend the next 100 years

212. practicing to be less of a pessimist.

213. - I'm closing the lid now, thank you. - No, w...

214. Guillermo! - Sorry.

215. Just boarding your door.

216. Guillermo, what time is it, and where is Colin Robinson?

217. - 8:28.

218. And he's on his way.

219. Shit, you haven't signed his card.

220. That's Colin Robinson's favorite song.

221. - Oh. - Oh, good.

222. You guys added "The Hamster Dance" to the playlist.

223. - I-I want to make sure you gather around me

224. in a circle when I do the Humpty Hump.

225. You betcha.

226. Oh, they're here! Everyone line up. Positions.

227. The Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.

228. This is Contessa Carmilla De Mornay.

229. She's 1,000 years old, possibly did it with a horse.

230. Contessa, it is such an honor.

231. The pleasure is mine.

232. Please, if you make your way upstairs,

233. your blood banquet awaits you.

234. - Oh! Thank you.

235. Dominykas The Dreadful.

236. This is Dominykas The Dreadful.

237. It is said that he started the fire

238. that burned down the great Library of Alexandria.

239. - Well, me and another guy.

240. Dominykas The Dreadful's human lady friend, Coco.

241. What? What?

242. Okay, uh, so this is...

243. My companion.

244. - Partner. - Girlfriend.

245. She keeps me young.

246. Yeah, we're engaged to be engaged.

247. I don't want to put a label on what we have,

248. - which really is so special. - Welcome. If you head upstairs,

249. the blood banquet does await.

250. You know he's not going to die.

251. You're not going to get his money.

252. - I'm gonna do the Humpty Hump later.

253. This gentleman needs no introduction.

254. He's very well-known to me.

255. This is Quinn, the great vampire.

256. Right-hand man of Deacon Frost of the House Erebus.

257. Just a role I played. Donal Logue.

258. - So nice to meet you. - Wait, so Donal Logue is

259. - on the Worldwide Vampiric Council? - Yeah.

260. I kind of got jumped in after Blade came out.

261. But you are a vampire, yes?

262. Yes. Kind of a funny story.

263. I was not a vampire when I filmed Blade,

264. but it was such a fun shoot

265. and I sort of fell in love with the lifestyle,

266. so I decided to jump in and go whole hog.

267. - Donal.

268. Please, head upstairs, everyone.

269. - The blood banquet awaits. - And it's my birthday.

270. Do you happen to have any human food for my consort?

271. She doesn't like blood,

272. and she doesn't care much for grown-up food, either.

273. Uh, Guillermo, do we have a— Oh.

274. Okay. Bon appétit. Your wish is my command.

275. There you go and voilà.

276. - Chicken nuggies for the young lady

277. with a side of spaghetti with only butter.

278. - Oh, my gosh. Okay, we need the name of your chef.

279. Do you have any ranch?

280. Ranch for the human consort!

281. Oh, my God, she's loud.

282. More blood, anyone?

283. - May I? - Oh, of course.

284. - That is what they're there for. - Oh, thank you.

285. Exquisite.

286. You must try him, but just a sip

287. - and pass him along. - Oh, yes.

288. Thank you for sharing, Donal.

289. I say,

290. has everyone remembered to sign Colin Robinson's birthday card?

291. You have all met my wonderful husband, Laszlo.

292. Fuck off, Laszlo.

293. So, where is your coleader?

294. The famed Nandor The Relentless.

295. Ah, um, good— The Nandor, yes, um...

296. Nandor was a threat to my power,

297. so, uh, in order to run the council correctly,

298. I, um...

299. had no choice but to...

300. kill him dead.

301. - You what?

302. Excuse me?

303. - Excellent work, Nadja.

304. - How deliciously cutthroat. - Huh.

305. You got to do what you got to do and you did it.

306. I cannot hate on that.

307. - Oh!

308. I killed him.

309. In order to pay our final respects to a vanquished foe,

310. could we...

311. see his body?

312. - Fix it. - Okay.

313. Nothing would make me happier

314. than seeing the dead body of your vanquished foe.

315. Master? Master? Master?

316. - Master?

317. You are kidding, right?

318. I have been in Super Slumber for, what,

319. 20 minutes? Half an hour?

320. - It's actually been two hours. - Oh, great.

321. A nice two-hour-long Super Slumber.

322. I've had orgasms that have lasted longer than that.

323. - Really? - Yes!

324. And it's not as pleasant as it might sound.

325. Well, as you know, the delegation is here, and...

326. - Get to the good bit. - Well, you need to pretend

327. to be dead so the delegation can come see your dead body

328. and make sure that you're actually dead.

329. Why did you not just bring them in

330. and show me in Super Slumber?

331. A state that so closely resembles death

332. no one would ever know the difference.

333. Well, what if you accidentally woke up

334. in the middle of them looking at your body?

335. That's a good point,

336. but I think the point I'd like to make

337. no one accidentally wakes up

338. - from a Super Slumber! - Oh.

339. Not unless you come in here and wake them up.

340. - Okay, well now that's— that makes— that's clear. - Is it, though?

341. Because it really seems like it's not quite sinking in.

342. So... can I...

343. Yes, fine, just bring these dummies in

344. and show them my dead body so we can get this over with,

345. and I can finally commence my long overdue

346. - and this time completely uninterrupted— Hey! Guillermo?

347. Yes, a dead body.

348. Guillermo? Is the body ready for viewing yet?

349. - Yes, Mistress. It is. Okay.

350. Everybody, come around. Please.

351. We're going to take a very quick look

352. 'cause it is going to be very sad.

353. Very quick. Okay.

354. Front row seat. - Reveal the corpse.

355. All right.

356. - And there it is and that's enough. - And then we...

357. It's just a very great loss for vampiredom.

358. - Mm-hmm. - Very sad.

359. He truly was one of the greats.

360. Was he, though? Eh.

361. As a warrior, yes, he was.

362. As a vampire, he was... okay.

363. Pretty good.

364. The jury is still out on his legacy, I suppose.

365. I don't disagree.

366. Nandor The Relentless, we hardly knew ye.

367. May he sleep well.

368. - Yes. - You know,

369. we grow so weary of eternal life,

370. and yet when we come face-to-face with eternal death,

371. it really makes you think about big things, doesn't it?

372. Yes, it does.

373. Speaking of big things,

374. I have heard that in addition to being

375. a ferocious and merciless warrior,

376. that Nandor The Relentless had...

377. Yes!

378. I have heard this as well.

379. Heard what?

380. Oh, how to put this respectfully?

381. Uh, it is said that he had one of the most impressive members

382. - in all of vampiredom.

383. Both in length and in girth.

384. - Well, that's true. Is it?

385. Um, I've heard— I've also heard it said.

386. - Shall we take a peek?

387. Just for funsies?

388. - Oh. - No. - Just for funsies.

389. Oh, I-I think that would be very disrespectful.

390. Dude is fucking dead. It's not like he's gonna care.

391. I, too, want to see this massive dong

392. with my own peepers.

393. Something to tell the grandkids about when I get home.

394. Familiar, reveal his member.

395. With all due respect, Contessa,

396. - I'm not a familiar.

397. Reveal his member.

398. Of course.

399. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

400. As you wish, Contessa.

401. Here you go.

402. - Step aside.

403. Hmm.

404. Hmm. Well, there it is.

405. Hmm.

406. Huh. What do we think?

407. It seems pretty average to me.

408. Not substandard but...

409. nothing special, really.

410. - Mm. I-I also heard

411. that he was more of a grower than a shower, so...

412. I don't think so.

413. Okay, well, we-we've done that now, so...

414. Look, I am not saying it's small.

415. No. No, it's not small.

416. - No. - Maybe it was the density of the member

417. that earned such acclaim.

418. Oh, no.

419. Hmm.

420. Anything of note?

421. No, it seems to be of average weight,

422. and, uh— what's the word I'm looking for?

423. Pliability?

424. I guess so. It's not...

425. Oh! "Wiggliness."

426. Yeah, just seems like a standard mid-tier pecker to me.

427. - Hmm. - Anyway, back to the blood banquet.

428. - Is it this way? - Yes! Everybody this way, very quickly, come.

429. We don't want to...

430. Thank you.

431. - Lovely to see. Well, that was...

432. much ado about nothing. Is there a sanitizer?

433. Nandor could've benefited

434. from just a touch of rigor mortis.

435. Thank you for that, Guillermo.

436. A wonderful send-off.

437. Now close the fucking lid and get out of here.

438. Yes, Master.

439. So, now let us raise a glass of blood

440. to our guests and to ourselves.

441. Vampires now and vampires forever.

442. - Vampires forever!

443. Like we have a choice.

444. Well said, my darling, well said.

445. You are a tough act to follow.

446. But indeed I must, for today is an auspicious day

447. for a couple of reasons, one of which...

448. we are joined by such esteemed vampires.

449. The other happens to be the 100th birthday

450. of our housemate, our friend,

451. and the energy vampire, Colin Robinson.

452. Okay, why not?

453. Yes, uh, let us raise a toast to Colin Robinson.

454. Cheers.

455. So, if every... I remember

456. the first time I met Colin Robinson,

457. I thought to myself, "How can one man be so fucking dull?"

458. It's true to say,

459. he's left his mark on Staten Island.

460. It's also true to say,

461. he's left his mark on my heart.

462. This is a wretched world that we find ourselves in—

463. full of cruel, disgusting people.

464. His main crime was that he's dull.

465. I don't even particularly like the fellow.

466. I mean, I can't stand the man,

467. but I'm proud to call him my friend.

468. Please be upstanding for Colin Robinson.

469. - Bravo! - And again, Colin Robinson.

470. So, if you would like to make your way to the library,

471. we have laid on a live fuck show.

472. Yes, that's right. Ooh!

473. You can take your clothes off on the way out.

474. Right this way. Yes.

475. Live fuck show?

476. What the fuck was that?

477. No one even knows who Colin Robinson is,

478. let alone gives a bloody piss about his birthday.

479. - Why are you so obsessed with him at the moment? - My darling.

480. - Colin Robinson is dying. - What?

481. What?

482. Colin Robinson will be dead by sunrise.

483. There's nothing we can do about it.

484. I've known for months.

485. The very first time Colin and I were

486. in the Vampiric Council Library,

487. he began searching for information

488. about energy vampires

489. and how they're made and where he came from.

490. I knew there was a page or two on energy vampires

491. in Edmund Wheelwright's Compendium Vampirium.

492. But what I found shocked me.

493. "Energy vampires," it said,

494. "have a life expectancy of exactly 100 years."

495. Why are you ripping that page out of that book?

496. I'll wank my way and you wank yours.

497. On their 100th birthday

498. they expire.

499. So, does Colin know?

500. He doesn't.

501. I haven't had the heart to tell him.

502. And eventually, I realized,

503. better for the poor bastard to not know at all.

504. Better for me to show him a good time

505. during his last months of life.

506. Just the dudes.

507. And I feel I succeeded,

508. but I also feel this could be

509. - the beginning of... - Uh...

510. Hey, guys.

511. I think I'm gonna pass on the... the fuck-and-suck show.

512. I'm feeling a little funny tummy.

513. I'm gonna 23 skidoo and lie down, take a nap.

514. Party on, dudes.

515. The dying has begun.

516. Ooh.

517. Hello, Colin Robinson.

518. Hey, buddy. - Hey, dudes.

519. Sorry I... I'm ruining my own birthday party.

520. You know what, though? I feel like I'm rallying.

521. Maybe we can have some birthday fun after all.

522. Oh, no, no, don't exert yourself,

523. - dear friend.

524. - No.

525. - Oh, okay. Oh.

526. That awkward moment.

527. No, it happens to the best of us, doesn't it, boys?

528. You know? Is there anything we can get you?

529. Can someone please fetch me a, uh,

530. diet ginger ale for my funny tummy?

531. He'll do that, and in the meantime,

532. I think you should just recall

533. the last 100 years' worth of fun and friendship.

534. Yeah, actually I kind of feel like

535. the first 100 years of my life were wasted, so...

536. - Starting tomorrow,

537. Colin Robinson's motto is "young, dumb and full of cum."

538. Well, that sounds marvelous, and, um,

539. if anyone else has anything to say,

540. I would say now is the time to say it.

541. Okay, Colin Robinson,

542. I know that sometimes you...

543. Did you fetch him the ginger ale for his tummy?

544. - Can I speak? - Well, his stomach's not gonna repair itself, is it?

545. - Can I just speak please? - Speak.

546. Colin Robinson...

547. - I know that we're not related, you and I or anyone.

548. - He farted, not me.

549. - Carry on.

550. - And I was gonna say that

551. we don't treat each other, sometimes,

552. with the upmost respect or kindness,

553. but in a weird way we're still a family.

554. We're like a big family here.

555. I'll be right back.

556. Diet ginger ale.

557. For his tummy.

558. Hello, Guillermo.

559. Did you bring more people to yank on my pee-pee?

560. No, Master.

561. Colin Robinson is dying,

562. and I figured we should all be together for that.

563. Oh.

564. You're too late. He's gone.

565. - He's dead? Yes.

566. He let out one last quiet fart,

567. a gentle one, and then he expired.

568. You guys are really incredible, you know that?

569. This fucking guy is not dead.

570. Nandor, he's dead.

571. Do you not remember the last time he was dead?

572. When we dug his grave and we buried him in the ground,

573. and it turned out he was faking it the whole time

574. just to get attention.

575. And that was like the fifth time we'd fallen

576. for his, "Oh, I'm dead" thing.

577. - Yes, well, this time it is real, Nandor. - Enough!

578. Wake up, Colin Robinson.

579. Hey! Wakey, wakey!

580. Don't make me tickle you now.

581. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

582. Enough of this shit.

583. Hey!

584. - Oh!

585. Uh-oh.

586. Guess he wasn't faking it.

587. Well, this is very sad.

588. We're not safe here.

589. We don't really live in this world.

590. We feed off of it.

591. Aliens.

592. Mother of God!

593. How have you not gone insane?

594. Once you sell your soul, it's gone.

595. Boom!

596. It's breaking all the rules.

597. And I'm here for that.

598. My name is B. J. Novak. I wanna tell you about this show I made.

599. It's a completely different episode every time.

600. - Pop culture. - Sex.

601. Revenge.

602. Here it is. Is that it?

603. That's it.

604. It happened pretty fast.

605. The world has changed.

606. His survivor's classified.

607. Nobody can know about him.

608. People are going to have to pick sides.

609. I think it's going to get worse

610. before it gets better.

611. Run!

612. I imagine that you attract

613. quite a bit of attention.

614. You know, more than before. That's for sure.