1. 9-1-1. What's your emergency?Copy !req
2. My dad can't breathe.Copy !req
3. My husband,
his eyes are going back...Copy !req
4. My son...
Oh, my God.Copy !req
5. I'm pretty certainCopy !req
6. it might be this way.Copy !req
7. This is it. The big night.Copy !req
8. Our first
Vampiric Council tribunal.Copy !req
9. Let the Ceremony of Judgment
commence!Copy !req
10. Where we once stood as prisoners
sentenced to death,Copy !req
11. we will now be sitting
as judge and jury.Copy !req
12. - You're gonna die,
and you're gonna...Copy !req
13. Fuck!Copy !req
14. Never sneak up on a vampire
like that, Guillermo.Copy !req
15. How did you
even get down here?
- What do you mean?Copy !req
16. I've been down here
for 20 minutes,Copy !req
17. - waiting for you guys.
- Oh.Copy !req
18. Well, is it this way,
or is it that way?Copy !req
19. I think it's...
It's back this way.Copy !req
20. Fucking Guide.Copy !req
21. I've been standing behind you
for half an hour.Copy !req
22. - What?
- Silently watching you.Copy !req
23. Breathing in your scent.Copy !req
24. Smelling your musk.Copy !req
25. So... is it this way or...?Copy !req
26. Oh, no, no. It's back this way.Copy !req
27. - Oh, good.
- Yes, you missed it.
Come along, everyone.Copy !req
28. Our neighbor Sean
has kindly invited us to hisCopy !req
29. for what he described
as a "boys-only night."Copy !req
30. Now, I gleefully assumedCopy !req
31. that that would be
some kind of circle jerk.Copy !req
32. - Oh, I don't think
that's what he meant.
- No, it isn't.Copy !req
33. Anyway,
I've invited Colin Robinson...Copy !req
34. Ah, mui, mui mesa love you.Copy !req
35. Is that a friend of yours?Copy !req
36. Mesa Jar Jar Binks.Copy !req
37. Ooh. That's a nice voice.Copy !req
38. You don't find
this voice annoying?Copy !req
39. I think it's very funny,
indeed, Colin.Copy !req
40. My Uncle FulvioCopy !req
41. did all the repaneling in here,
so it's looking real nice. Oh!Copy !req
42. - Frankie, Mikey!
Hey!Copy !req
43. You remember my old buddy Laz
and, uh, his friendCopy !req
44. - Robinson Caruso.
- Yo!
- Hey.Copy !req
45. What you dudes watching?
Ah,Copy !req
46. local community college hockey,
you know.Copy !req
47. The purest form of sport isCopy !req
48. community college
because you get 'emCopy !req
49. - right after high school,
and, uh...
- Come on, move. Move.Copy !req
50. - Before they really...
Robbie Robertson.Copy !req
51. You make a better
door than a window, okay?Copy !req
52. I have heard that.
Shut up.Copy !req
53. - They want you to get out
of the way, Colin Robinson.
- Oh. Okay.Copy !req
54. Just have a seat.
Just have a seat.
I brought theseCopy !req
55. especially for the occasion.Copy !req
56. - Oh!Copy !req
57. Look at that.
- Don't ask me
where I got them from.Copy !req
58. I, too,Copy !req
59. - have a little gift.
- Oh.Copy !req
60. You guys are into the whole
Agatha Christie thing,Copy !req
61. right? Murder mystery games?Copy !req
62. "Mrs. Honeychurch
and the HangingCopy !req
63. - at 'Vykrage Valet.'"
- "Hanging at...
Vicarage Valley."Copy !req
64. Yeah.
It'll take a while to play,Copy !req
65. but I think if we start now,
we should be done by dawn.Copy !req
66. Fuck.Copy !req
67. Hmm?Copy !req
68. Eh...Copy !req
69. Yes.Copy !req
70. Okay, okay, don't make
a big deal out of it. Okay, do.Copy !req
71. - Do make a big deal of it.
Come on.
- Yes.Copy !req
72. I feel
like this is my wedding day.Copy !req
73. But I shouldn't be
wearing white.Copy !req
74. Very good.Copy !req
75. - Very good.
- All right. Well,
I will be the one who says that.Copy !req
76. But before we continue,Copy !req
77. there is just one more thing
we have to check off our list.Copy !req
78. - Come on in.
Ooh.
Oh.Copy !req
79. This is a conduct/harassment
training videoCopy !req
80. that our human resources
department put togetherCopy !req
81. as mandatory viewing
for all employees.Copy !req
82. - Okay?
- Okay, fine.
- Okay, let's get it over with.Copy !req
83. All right.Copy !req
84. - So, that's it, then?
Yes.Copy !req
85. So, that just means anything
and everything goes here.Copy !req
86. He smacks me on the ass,
you finger me,Copy !req
87. I stroke him off,
et cetera, et cetera.Copy !req
88. Mm-mm.Copy !req
89. We have found it to be good
for team building.Copy !req
90. So anything and everything goes?Copy !req
91. Yes. We have sort of fallen
into doing it allCopy !req
92. - on a Thursday night
to get it out of the way.
Oh.Copy !req
93. Otherwise,
it can be very exhausting.Copy !req
94. Now, I know you both agreed
to be coleaders,Copy !req
95. only one of youCopy !req
96. can sit on the throne.
Who will it be?Copy !req
97. - Uh, me, thank you.
- Fine, I'll do it.
No.Copy !req
98. Let her have the throne.
Power is wonCopy !req
99. - by those who seem
to least desire it.
But the throneCopy !req
100. - is a big deal,
and I want to sit on it.
- And you will.Copy !req
101. Stop touching me.
- What are you two
whispering about?Copy !req
102. Guys?
It's a one-person throne, okay?Copy !req
103. What is so hard about this?Copy !req
104. I mean, who wields
the ultimate power?Copy !req
105. The one who sits on the throne?Copy !req
106. - Nadja may sit on the throne.Copy !req
107. Or the one who challenges
the throne-sitter?Copy !req
108. - Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes.Copy !req
109. Or perhaps it's the personCopy !req
110. who whispers
into both their ears.Copy !req
111. So, at the time in question,
I was having a brandyCopy !req
112. with Vicar Wilson in the, uh,Copy !req
113. - tack room or some shit.
- Oh.Copy !req
114. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, how-how you guys been, uh,Copy !req
115. - sleeping lately, huh?
Uh, you know,
not too bad.Copy !req
116. - I actually been taking
this melatonin stuff...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that.Copy !req
117. I've been sleeping like shit,
too, you know?Copy !req
118. My neck's been all stiff,
and, uh, my knees,Copy !req
119. - they've been swelling.
It's really bad.
So, hold on.Copy !req
120. - Is Frank dead?
No.Copy !req
121. - Frank? I'm Frank.
Oh, right.Copy !req
122. I'm having a brandy
with the-the vicar.Copy !req
123. - Gotcha.
Am I the vicar?Copy !req
124. - You're the vicar.
My lower back!Copy !req
125. Oh, forget about it.
It was terrible.Copy !req
126. But then I got this new pillow,Copy !req
127. which is not available
in stores,Copy !req
128. - and, uh...
- Well, how did you get it, then?Copy !req
129. Stop asking so many questions.Copy !req
130. Anyway,
it's an incredible product.Copy !req
131. It totally changed my life.Copy !req
132. Okay.
Yeah, cool. Oh, hey,Copy !req
133. - you guys hear, uh,
Kevin got laid off?
- No.Copy !req
134. - Yeah. For real.
- Kevin?Copy !req
135. I've been sleeping
like a baby now.Copy !req
136. Really sleeping like a babyCopy !req
137. thanks to this brand-new,
state-of-the-art pillow.Copy !req
138. What the fuck is its name?Copy !req
139. Hold on. Hold on.
I'll be right back.Copy !req
140. - Hold that thought.
You see
this hockey match?Copy !req
141. We played a game exactly like
that at Eton. Difference is,Copy !req
142. we didn't play with a puck.
We played with a cock.Copy !req
143. - A cock
that had been hardened...
Can we actuallyCopy !req
144. get back to your friend
who was fired?Copy !req
145. Da-da-da-da!
- Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal.Copy !req
146. - He got...
- It's called the Guy Pillow.Copy !req
147. - For the man who sleeps.
Ooh.Copy !req
148. Yeah, yeah, like that guy, uh,
on TV. Mike Lindell, right?Copy !req
149. That's the MyPillow,
and this is the Guy Pillow.Copy !req
150. - They're completely different.
All right.Copy !req
151. Simmer down, Sean.
We can't all be pillow experts.Copy !req
152. Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.Copy !req
153. Can we get back to the game?Copy !req
154. Yeah. I got a card.Copy !req
155. Okay,
stop twisting my arm, guys.Copy !req
156. I'll give you a demo, all right?Copy !req
157. Does the pillow come
with the pillowcase?Copy !req
158. Yeah, I'm glad
you asked that, Laz.Copy !req
159. It's
a hypoallergenic pillowcase,Copy !req
160. and, yeah, the whole shebang
comes for what? $49.99.Copy !req
161. - [spits, chuckles] What?
- What the fuck?
Seanie,Copy !req
162. - 50 bucks for a fucking pillow?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.Copy !req
163. This is a quality pillow
but for a value price.Copy !req
164. But you know what I'm gonna do?
Because you guys are my friends,Copy !req
165. I'm gonna knock ten bucks
off the top.Copy !req
166. - That's $39.99 apiece.
Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
167. - Wait.
You're selling these things?
You kidding me?Copy !req
168. - These things sell themselves.
So, who's in?
- Uh...Copy !req
169. - The Ceremony of JudgmentCopy !req
170. will now commence.Copy !req
171. - Wait, I was gonna...Copy !req
172. Okay, stop!Copy !req
173. - Stop. I'm not ready. No, no.Copy !req
174. So, back to one.
I don't... I'm so sorry.Copy !req
175. - What seems to be the problem?
- Nandor is very tall.Copy !req
176. When he stands,
his face is much higherCopy !req
177. than my face
'cause I am sat on the throne.Copy !req
178. I'll see what I can do.Copy !req
179. Thank you, Guillermo.Copy !req
180. Here's a thought.Copy !req
181. Perhaps we just remove
the throneCopy !req
182. - from the equation.
Here's a thought.Copy !req
183. Can we get this going already?Copy !req
184. Remove the throne!Copy !req
185. Ah, shit.Copy !req
186. - Ooh! Ooh, that's...
- Aah!Copy !req
187. Ay-ay-ay-ay.Copy !req
188. That's-that's plenty.
Thank you, wraiths.Copy !req
189. - That's plenty. Thank you.Copy !req
190. - Gonna be hard to get that out.
Okay, we good?Copy !req
191. - Everyone good?
Yes.
Yes.Copy !req
192. - Great.Copy !req
193. Let the Ceremony of Judgment
commence!Copy !req
194. - Can't I just say it once?Copy !req
195. Okay, stop!Copy !req
196. What now?
- It looks so dumbCopy !req
197. with the throne
just sitting there empty.Copy !req
198. She does make a good point.Copy !req
199. You guys, just take five.
Honestly, don't go far.Copy !req
200. What you really should doCopy !req
201. is stop acting
like a bunch of jabronisCopy !req
202. and get, like,
25 of these things each.Copy !req
203. Well, I don't usually sleep
with 25 pillows.Copy !req
204. News flash. You don't use these.Copy !req
205. You buy extras,Copy !req
206. and then you sell 'em
to your stupid friendsCopy !req
207. for a little do-re-mi
for yourself.Copy !req
208. Laz, come on.Copy !req
209. I don't use a pillow.Copy !req
210. Okay. Well, Mikey.Copy !req
211. Come on.
I mean, we used to sleepCopy !req
212. - in the same bed.
Hey, buddy,Copy !req
213. I don't know what to tell you,
you know?Copy !req
214. All my friends are in this room,
you know?Copy !req
215. - No.
You know what?Copy !req
216. Fine. I mean,
what does it matter?Copy !req
217. Don't buy any, huh?Copy !req
218. You bunch
of fucking backstabbers.Copy !req
219. Who cares about Sean, right?Copy !req
220. - Fuck me, right?
Sean.Copy !req
221. Fuck me? Well, fuck you!Copy !req
222. - Oh!
You are gonna regret it
when you didn't get inCopy !req
223. on the ground floor
of this superior product!Copy !req
224. Fucking Sean.Copy !req
225. You all right, Sean?Copy !req
226. Honestly, Laz?
I'm not doing too good.Copy !req
227. I was hoping you were getting,
like, 25 pillows,Copy !req
228. and I was counting on, uh,
you know, Newman RobinsonCopy !req
229. or whatever the fuck
his name is.Copy !req
230. - Who?
- The guy who looks like a fetus.Copy !req
231. - Oh, right.
- And then Nandor
and his boyfriendCopy !req
232. don't even show up? I mean...Copy !req
233. Well,
I wouldn't take that personally.Copy !req
234. Listen, I know. It's just...Copy !req
235. Nandor looks like he's
a real big sleeper, right?Copy !req
236. I could sell him,
like, 40 large.Copy !req
237. And then, you know,
the little guy,Copy !req
238. listen, get him for ten,
okay? He's poor.Copy !req
239. I mean, he wears
the same cardigan everywhere.Copy !req
240. I sense there's something else
that's bothering you.Copy !req
241. All right. All right.Copy !req
242. You got to promise me
you're not gonna tell a soul.Copy !req
243. - I won't tell a soul.
- Charmaine doesn't even know.Copy !req
244. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
245. - Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.Copy !req
246. All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
247. I got a cousin like that,
but that's not me.Copy !req
248. - Really?
- Yeah, I respect you
and everything...Copy !req
249. Okay.
You won't remember anythingCopy !req
250. about how you attempted
to seduce me just now.Copy !req
251. Continue with your tale.Copy !req
252. I'm in too deep.Copy !req
253. I bought a lot,
a lot of pillows.Copy !req
254. I mean, so many.Copy !req
255. How many pillows?Copy !req
256. Shit.
- Yeah. I haven't sold that many,Copy !req
257. so I can't pay back
the guy who sold them to me.Copy !req
258. And, uh, now he's taking me
to small-claims court.Copy !req
259. So, how many of these
have you actually sold?Copy !req
260. Three.Copy !req
261. - Yeah. Charmaine wanted one,Copy !req
262. but you can't sell them
to women because...Copy !req
263. - it's a men's-only pillow.
- Men's-only pillow.Copy !req
264. Says so on the box.Copy !req
265. Yeah, yeah,
it's legally binding.Copy !req
266. Court date's tomorrow night.
I'm scared, Laz.Copy !req
267. I don't want you to worry
about this one second longer.Copy !req
268. I think I can get you
out of this hole.Copy !req
269. I could kiss you, Laz!Copy !req
270. Maybe we could just putCopy !req
271. a sheet or a cloth over it
or something.Copy !req
272. The throne is a very important
symbol in the ceremony.Copy !req
273. Hmm.Copy !req
274. Well, I have an idea, but...
Forget it.Copy !req
275. I have too many things
to do today.Copy !req
276. - No, go on, Guillermo.
- No, what is it?Copy !req
277. Well...Copy !req
278. I was thinking,Copy !req
279. why don't we put me in the robe,Copy !req
280. and I'll sit on the throne?Copy !req
281. I mean,
I'm obviously not a vampire,Copy !req
282. but they don't know that.Copy !req
283. And I think that, you know,
the symbolism will hold.Copy !req
284. - Worth a shot, I guess.
- Works for me.
- An elegant solution.Copy !req
285. Okay.
I love symbolism, so...Copy !req
286. A little bit higher.Copy !req
287. It's all a big game of chess.Copy !req
288. I just didn't say
who was playing who... m. Whom.Copy !req
289. Go faster!Copy !req
290. Yeah!Copy !req
291. I'm getting dizzy.Copy !req
292. - All right.
Uh, Iorek the Knavish.Copy !req
293. The wraiths
look much more disgustingCopy !req
294. than I remember them looking.Copy !req
295. Oh, yeah. We have them
wear special masksCopy !req
296. for the Ceremonies of Judgment.Copy !req
297. Makes them look much scarier.Copy !req
298. Number Five? Wrong mask! Again!Copy !req
299. Every time with that one.Copy !req
300. Thank you.
So, continuing...Copy !req
301. Iorek the Knavish,Copy !req
302. you stand charged with sellingCopy !req
303. your fellow vampires
a so-called magical herbCopy !req
304. which you claimed
would protect themCopy !req
305. from the ill effects
of sunshine.Copy !req
306. Oh, that would be nice.Copy !req
307. Yes, indeed, it would be.Copy !req
308. If it worked!Copy !req
309. Please watch.Copy !req
310. How did you obtain this footage?Copy !req
311. - The Crow-Cam.Copy !req
312. Ah.
Hello.Copy !req
313. It's gone.Copy !req
314. Nandor, it is clearly vampicide.Copy !req
315. Yes, multiple vampicide.Copy !req
316. Well, then, we should kill him.Copy !req
317. Um, it might not be a bad ideaCopy !req
318. to kick off our reign
with somethingCopy !req
319. that shows a bit more mercy?Copy !req
320. Yeah, hmm?Copy !req
321. Is there a cellCopy !req
322. that he can be cast away inCopy !req
323. for hundreds of years?Copy !req
324. - As you wish.Copy !req
325. For how many years specifically?Copy !req
326. - 500 years!
- A hundred.Copy !req
327. - 150.
- Two years is fine.
Just two is good.Copy !req
328. Our next offender stands accusedCopy !req
329. of breaking
just about every ruleCopy !req
330. by which we vampires
keep our presenceCopy !req
331. on this earth a secret.Copy !req
332. - Ugh. Boo!
Okay, so, hear me out.Copy !req
333. If you tell me the rules,
I'd be down to follow them.Copy !req
334. If I may please continue?Copy !req
335. Yes.
Thank you.Copy !req
336. Derek is a member
of the Mosquito Club.Copy !req
337. It was that, uh,
vigilante vampire-hunting groupCopy !req
338. that I joined accidentally.
Accidentally joined.Copy !req
339. - My man.
And then we wentCopy !req
340. to that weird house
with the vampire family,Copy !req
341. and they attacked us.Copy !req
342. Come on! Let's go!
We did it!Copy !req
343. - We actually found the...Copy !req
344. And he was left behind.
I-I left him behind.Copy !req
345. - Where's Derek?
- It's too late for him now.Copy !req
346. I've had to live with that every
day since that night, so...Copy !req
347. I-I-I thought he was dead.Copy !req
348. Derek,Copy !req
349. you have accruedCopy !req
350. turning into a bat on the subwayCopy !req
351. in an attempt
to scare teenagers,Copy !req
352. stealing IV bagsCopy !req
353. from blood donor centers
across the city...Copy !req
354. Also, what are you wearing?Copy !req
355. You are wearing
bad vampire fashions.Copy !req
356. - That is the most heinous crime!
Well, I mean,Copy !req
357. I didn't know where
to get proper vampire finery,Copy !req
358. but the Hot Topic at the mall
had some really great stuff.Copy !req
359. I mean,
they're fast fashion, but...Copy !req
360. If I may continue?Copy !req
361. Feeding on bystanders
out in the openCopy !req
362. who have fallen asleep
on park benches.Copy !req
363. What's the alternative?Copy !req
364. Owning an unlicensed hellhound.Copy !req
365. - I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen?
- Hey, boy.Copy !req
366. - Nandor, be careful.
- Are you in there?Copy !req
367. Stay back!
Aspen!Copy !req
368. - Sit!
- If I may please continue?Copy !req
369. - Sorry.
We've got a lot to do!Copy !req
370. Sorry, yes.Copy !req
371. Owning an unlicensed hellhound.Copy !req
372. Oh, that was actually it.
Sorry. We're done.Copy !req
373. - Okay.
These crimes
you have committedCopy !req
374. are despicable!Copy !req
375. What do you have to say
for yourself?Copy !req
376. - I don't know. Whoops?Copy !req
377. That was a shit response,Copy !req
378. - wasn't it?
I-I'm sureCopy !req
379. what he meant to say
is that surelyCopy !req
380. there's an explanation somehow,
right?Copy !req
381. I guess
I just do fucked-up shit now.Copy !req
382. That's just who I am.Copy !req
383. A vampire that draws attention
to vampirismCopy !req
384. is a threat
to all vampires everywhere.Copy !req
385. Yes. And, also, I was thinking,Copy !req
386. because we showed
the other man mercy,Copy !req
387. for this one, I think
we just balls to the wall,Copy !req
388. just go fucking crazy.Copy !req
389. I agree completely.Copy !req
390. - Well, I think that...
- Then we are of one brain!Copy !req
391. We sentence youCopy !req
392. - to death!
- Death.Copy !req
393. - I'm sorry, come again?
Derek, you areCopy !req
394. hereby sentenced to be thrown
into the Well of Daylight,Copy !req
395. where you will dieCopy !req
396. - by the rays
of tomorrow's sunrise.Copy !req
397. Derek. Hey.Copy !req
398. - Guillermo. Hey, dude.
Just wantedCopy !req
399. to stop by and say, um...
I'm sorry.Copy !req
400. This is all my fault.
I could've done more.Copy !req
401. It should've been me
that was left behind.Copy !req
402. No, no, no. There's no way
you could've known— Ah!Copy !req
403. - No, Derek, stay away
from the sun.
- Ah!Copy !req
404. I thought that was obvious.Copy !req
405. Well, you know, I sort of wishCopy !req
406. maybe you'd looked me up and,
I don't know,Copy !req
407. given me a rule book
or something.Copy !req
408. Is there even a rule book—
Ah! Goddamn it!Copy !req
409. Get out of the sun, Derek!Copy !req
410. - No! Just followCopy !req
411. the sound of my voice!
This way.Copy !req
412. - Geez.Copy !req
413. - That is gonna scab.Copy !req
414. I thought that would be
common sense to— You know what?Copy !req
415. Here. Put this on and cover
yourself with it, okay?Copy !req
416. Don't move.
I'm gonna get you out of here.Copy !req
417. Thanks, Guillermo.Copy !req
418. Ah, damn it!Copy !req
419. You know, I've been thinking...Copy !req
420. Oh, great.Copy !req
421. I was actually surprised
that you let NadjaCopy !req
422. talk you into killing
that Derek guy.Copy !req
423. I didn't let Nadja talk me
into doing anything.Copy !req
424. Really? And yet you let Nadja
steamroll over you like that...Copy !req
425. - Are you done?
- Yes, but...Copy !req
426. - Good.
- You said...Copy !req
427. I thought
I had mastered the game.Copy !req
428. Just whispering in
people's ears.Copy !req
429. - Between you and I...
- Hmm?Copy !req
430. Calling the shots.Copy !req
431. People have been saying thatCopy !req
432. you just sentenced
that Derek guy to death becauseCopy !req
433. you let Nandor
walk all over you.Copy !req
434. Have a fucking day off,
Guillermo.Copy !req
435. No one said that.
Please do not talk anymore.Copy !req
436. But I think
I really biffed this one.Copy !req
437. Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?Copy !req
438. Present and accounted for,
Your Honor.Copy !req
439. It says here you have
representation?Copy !req
440. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
441. Have no fear.
Here I am.Copy !req
442. Sean has been done an injustice,Copy !req
443. and I won't stand for it.
Luckily for him,Copy !req
444. I am no stranger to the song
and dance of the courtroom,Copy !req
445. for I myself used to be a
barrister on the Queen's Bench.Copy !req
446. Mainly representing myself
for crimesCopy !req
447. such as soliciting
and pornography.Copy !req
448. But I've mainly defended
a lot of hogs.Copy !req
449. And horses.Copy !req
450. What is this,
some kind of Hamilton thing?Copy !req
451. - What?
Your Honor, if I may,Copy !req
452. New York State Statute 82Copy !req
453. clearly states that legal
counsel's attire cannot beCopy !req
454. - discriminated against.
All right, fine.Copy !req
455. Oh, yeah.
I googled that this morningCopy !req
456. when I saw him
in that old lady's wig.Copy !req
457. My only other duty as his
de facto paralegal seems to beCopy !req
458. hauling around
his file boxes, which—Copy !req
459. between you and me—Copy !req
460. mostly contain pornography.Copy !req
461. Now, my lords,
ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
462. I feel a huge injustice
has occurred here today,Copy !req
463. - and it needs addressing.
- And what's that?Copy !req
464. Well, this chap has the hair
of a pedophile.Copy !req
465. I've got to be honest,
I haven't stepped inside a courtCopy !req
466. for about 300 years.Copy !req
467. - Objection!
- This is your fourthCopy !req
468. objection in the last minute,
Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled.Copy !req
469. - Objection.
- What about?Copy !req
470. Objection?Copy !req
471. So, my techniquesCopy !req
472. and my methods might be
a bit old-fashioned.Copy !req
473. May I approach the bitch?Copy !req
474. - What did you say?Copy !req
475. I said,
"May I approach the bench?"Copy !req
476. - Ah.
- What did you think I said?Copy !req
477. Right. I'm ready
to wrap this up.Copy !req
478. The common man— whether he be
Neanderthal, troglodyte—Copy !req
479. they all deserve
their day in court.Copy !req
480. A slice of a fair system,
wouldn't you say?Copy !req
481. I think I've heard enough,
thank you.Copy !req
482. Judgment for the plaintiffCopy !req
483. in the amount of $12,700.Copy !req
484. - What's she talking about?Copy !req
485. We lost.Copy !req
486. What the fuck?Copy !req
487. - I need to see Nadja.
No, no.Copy !req
488. - Nadja?
- No, no, bro.Copy !req
489. She's not there. Come on.
God, you're heavy.Copy !req
490. I think I'm gonna puke.
- What happened?Copy !req
491. Well, he lost a court caseCopy !req
492. and he took it pretty hard,
and we went to a barCopy !req
493. - to... help him unwind.Copy !req
494. - Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer?
Yeah.Copy !req
495. We met some finance guys,
and next thing you know,Copy !req
496. double-fisting drinks.Copy !req
497. They take off,
we lose track of Laz.Copy !req
498. - They must've gone out
barhopping or something.Copy !req
499. Oh, I can't believe
this is the first timeCopy !req
500. I'm inside your guys's place.
You must do a lot of antiquing.Copy !req
501. Nope. Don't touch that.Copy !req
502. Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome,Copy !req
503. we would like to officially
apologize for the distressCopy !req
504. your name has caused you,
and we herebyCopy !req
505. grant you permission to
change your name henceforth.Copy !req
506. Yes.
- As requested, you will be knownCopy !req
507. as Gabby
the Dreadfully Loathsome.Copy !req
508. - Gabby.
- Congratulations, my love.Copy !req
509. Thank you.Copy !req
510. I think we're done, guys.
Excellent day.Copy !req
511. Wait!Copy !req
512. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!Copy !req
513. What is the meaning of
this outburst, Guillermo?Copy !req
514. He's supposed
to be ashes by now.Copy !req
515. The prisoner
was sentenced to death.Copy !req
516. And by some miracle...
escaped.Copy !req
517. - What are you talking about?
You helped me... Oh.
- Shut...Copy !req
518. He escaped!
But a-according toCopy !req
519. Codicil 18 of the Vampiric
Council Code of Conduct...Copy !req
520. I just made that up.Copy !req
521. The prisoner
is entitled to...Copy !req
522. a defense attorney!Copy !req
523. Oh, for fuck's sake...Copy !req
524. - All rise.
The Honorable Laszlo...Copy !req
525. Well, you-you know who he is.Copy !req
526. My lords and ladies of...Copy !req
527. jury.
- Ugh.Copy !req
528. Eh...Copy !req
529. Um...Copy !req
530. Is there any more?
Okay... great.Copy !req
531. He's never been very good
with his blood liquor.Copy !req
532. If I may quote my favorite
comedian, Monty Python,Copy !req
533. "We better get a bucket."Copy !req
534. He's gonna throw up.Copy !req
535. - I think he's gonna puke.Copy !req
536. No! Before that,
I think what he wasCopy !req
537. going to say is that he...Copy !req
538. volunteers to take this
young vampire under his wing.Copy !req
539. Did he say that?
Yes. And, of course,Copy !req
540. make him, you know,
work off his transgressions.Copy !req
541. And also, uh,
vouch for any future,Copy !req
542. uh, uh, behavior of his.
Right? Right, Laszlo?Copy !req
543. - La-Laszlo?Copy !req
544. That's a yes?
- That's a yes.Copy !req
545. I think it would be
so lovely for himCopy !req
546. if you just let him win this
first case, just for Laszlo.Copy !req
547. Please?Copy !req
548. Okay, fine.
I don't even care at this point.Copy !req
549. - Release the prisoner.Copy !req
550. Laszlo has won a case!Copy !req
551. Very good.
Well done, my love!Copy !req
552. - You won your first case ever!
- Well done. Well done, Laszlo.Copy !req
553. Congratulations.Copy !req
554. Guillermo, you, uh,
you saved me.Copy !req
555. Oh, no. Thank your l...
yeah, all right.Copy !req
556. Yeah. I guess it was
kind of me.Copy !req
557. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guillermo, you step awayCopy !req
558. from that crate this instant.Copy !req
559. - Get your hands off that lockCopy !req
560. - immediately!
Guillermo,Copy !req
561. hellhounds are not
to be trifled with.Copy !req
562. Don't do this!Copy !req
563. Did you ever stop and thinkCopy !req
564. that maybe this creature
was just hungry?Copy !req
565. - Or afraid?
- D-Don't. Don't open that door.Copy !req
566. - Or both?
- Don't do it!Copy !req
567. - Hey...!
- There he is.Copy !req
568. He just needed
some love and attention.Copy !req
569. - Away, hellhound.
Who's a good boy?Copy !req
570. - Good boy.
How is he doing that?Copy !req
571. Maybe it's part
of his magical DNA.Copy !req
572. - Lay!Copy !req
573. Good boy.Copy !req
574. And he's got an enchanted
nutsack as well, apparently.Copy !req
575. Yes, good evening, sir.Copy !req
576. Introducing the Guy Pillow.Copy !req
577. For the man that has everything
except...Copy !req
578. Nah. Not interested.Copy !req
579. I... hereby...
command you or whatever...Copy !req
580. to not be a dick
about this right now.Copy !req
581. COLIN ROBINSON READING]Copy !req
582. Mom.Copy !req
583. Mom.Copy !req
584. The President kissed me.Copy !req
585. My name's Archer.Copy !req
586. Uh, I'm an egomaniac
who endangers every mission.Copy !req
587. Also, I'm inebriated
almost 24 hours a day.Copy !req
588. Lose the almost
and then take it againCopy !req
589. Please try to avoid
sudden ships and wait.Copy !req
590. Sorry. Hey!Copy !req
591. My name is B.J. Novak.
I want to tell you
about the show I made.Copy !req
592. Every episode
is completely different.Copy !req
593. Pop-culture. Sex.Copy !req
594. - MAN Revenge.
Guns.Copy !req
595. Must be training
for somethingCopy !req
596. Meaningful issues...Copy !req
597. Celebrity worship is better.Copy !req
598. explored through
meaningless comedy.Copy !req
599. You never forget
a scrotum like that.Copy !req
600. Haunts my dreams.Copy !req
601. That's it.Copy !req