1. My name is B. J. Novak.
I wanna tell you
about this show I made.Copy !req
2. It's a completely different
episode every time.Copy !req
3. - Pop culture.
- Sex.Copy !req
4. Revenge.Copy !req
5. Here it is. Is that it?Copy !req
6. That's it.Copy !req
7. Attention!
The party bus will be leavingCopy !req
8. - in a moment!
- We haveCopy !req
9. a massive backlog
of Vampiric Council business,Copy !req
10. and you all pick now
to go on a trip?Copy !req
11. All work, no play makes
Colin Robinson a dull guy.Copy !req
12. Guillermo,
there are two missing.Copy !req
13. Great.Copy !req
14. Holiday time!Copy !req
15. It has been several decades
since we have takenCopy !req
16. an excursion away from our home.Copy !req
17. But Sean and Charmaine...Copy !req
18. Seanie!Copy !req
19. Yes, exactly. Sean
and Charmaine from next doorCopy !req
20. have organized a group getawayCopy !req
21. to celebrate their anniversary.Copy !req
22. - Yeah.
- And...Copy !req
23. - they've invited us!Copy !req
24. For vampires, traveling awayCopy !req
25. from home can be very difficult.Copy !req
26. It's not the same
as just flashingCopy !req
27. a few papers or wanking off
Morris from steerage.Copy !req
28. There's a lot more to it.Copy !req
29. Most important rule— you mustCopy !req
30. take with you the homeland soil
of your coffin.Copy !req
31. - Without this ancestral earth...
- Thank you.Copy !req
32. you cannot sleep,
you cannot leave,Copy !req
33. - Come.
- ... you cannot hypnotize,Copy !req
34. and your powers goCopy !req
35. to absolute liquid shit.Copy !req
36. Take the soil with me.
All of it.Copy !req
37. - Tie a knot. Very safe.
There we are.Copy !req
38. Ready to travel!Copy !req
39. Some call our destinationCopy !req
40. a mecca of the depraved.Copy !req
41. America's
premier nocturnal playgroundCopy !req
42. of hedonistic debauchery.Copy !req
43. Sin City, U.S. of A., baby!Copy !req
44. Not you, Guillermo.Copy !req
45. - Atlantic City, baby!Copy !req
46. Yeah!Copy !req
47. Here you go, my darling.Copy !req
48. Your home away from home.Copy !req
49. I'll be honest— I'm jealous.Copy !req
50. That cot looks pretty sweet.Copy !req
51. Really? Do you want to trade?Copy !req
52. No, I was just being polite.
It's obviously very shitty.Copy !req
53. Thank you for the tiny bed.Copy !req
54. I hereby present you,
the innkeeper,Copy !req
55. with a feather
from a female crow,Copy !req
56. as is customary
amongst travelers.Copy !req
57. Uh, sir,
sorry, no, this is for you.Copy !req
58. - I'll take that, thank you.
- I'm going to spread my soil.Copy !req
59. Hey, Nadja, Laszlo, you guys
hitting the skins in there?Copy !req
60. Yes, Colin Robinson, we are!Copy !req
61. Oh.Copy !req
62. It smells like shit.
Okay, so 65% off,
Nordstrom Rack.Copy !req
63. No!
- Yes.Copy !req
64. - What are you doing?
- Stop.
- On my mother.Copy !req
65. - Norway? Wow.
- No, well, Nordstrom Rack,
yeah.Copy !req
66. Ding, ding, ding.
Ding, ding, ding.Copy !req
67. Ding, ding, ding!Copy !req
68. Now, anyone who knows meCopy !req
69. knows that I am not much
for speeches.Copy !req
70. - Seanie!
- Hey! There he is!Copy !req
71. But, uh, I just want to say
to my wife...Copy !req
72. That's me.Copy !req
73. that I adore you.Copy !req
74. - Yeah.
I mean, look at us.Copy !req
75. You know? It's 11 friends,Copy !req
76. all together.Copy !req
77. - It's pretty amazing, you know?
- Yeah.Copy !req
78. Holy shit.
It's just like Ocean's Eleven!Copy !req
79. "What,
did you guys get a group rateCopy !req
80. - or something?"
Yes!Copy !req
81. I love this woman!Copy !req
82. Okay, okay.Copy !req
83. I've always been a Twelve man
at heart.Copy !req
84. But, recently,
we rewatched Eleven,Copy !req
85. and I have to say that it's,
uh, not just a prequel.Copy !req
86. It's, uh... it's got
a lot of world-building, too.Copy !req
87. All right,
let's bring it up a little bit.Copy !req
88. Let's give a shout-out
to my best buds.Copy !req
89. - My main man Laz.
- Seanie!Copy !req
90. To my guy. Frankie,
we played peewee together.Copy !req
91. Frankie!
- Yeah, you remember that?Copy !req
92. Hey, Mikey! Wake up! We played
peewee together, too, right?Copy !req
93. - Oh! Holy shit!
- Mikey!Copy !req
94. - What, are you drunk already?
Oh, no.Copy !req
95. - There's glass in all our food.Copy !req
96. - We can't eat it.
- Shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up.Copy !req
97. Gizmo, be a good familiar
and fetch a broom.Copy !req
98. Well, I'm not a familiar
anymore, so...Copy !req
99. Fetch a broom from the hostess
now, Guillermo.Copy !req
100. Ooh, ah.Copy !req
101. Cheeky prick.Copy !req
102. Yeah, the transitionCopy !req
103. from familiar to bodyguard
has been, um...Copy !req
104. not much of a transition,
I guess?Copy !req
105. Guillermo is no longer a familiar.Copy !req
106. So just make him feel
like he's part of the team.Copy !req
107. No, no, Nandor is right. I mean,
at every office I've worked at,Copy !req
108. they always say,
"We're a big family here."Copy !req
109. And it does motivate people
to work harderCopy !req
110. and neglect
their actual familiesCopy !req
111. and put up with all sorts
of degrading shit.Copy !req
112. Okay.Copy !req
113. They are going to bring
a mop and a broom.Copy !req
114. Oh.Copy !req
115. Hmm?Copy !req
116. Um...Copy !req
117. Hello, Guillermo.Copy !req
118. Um, do you have any, um...Copy !req
119. - interests?
That's a great question.Copy !req
120. I was wondering that, too.Copy !req
121. - Do I have any interests?
- Hmm.Copy !req
122. - Yes, of course I...
- Wow!
Very cool.Copy !req
123. He's got interests and he knows
what's... interesting.Copy !req
124. - Yeah. I've got interests, too.
Hmm.Copy !req
125. It's important.Copy !req
126. - Okay.
We are the same.Copy !req
127. - All with interests.
Mm.Copy !req
128. Uh, you've got interests,
don't you,Copy !req
129. - Colin Robinson?
- I like to walk around.Copy !req
130. - I like to stare.
Did I...Copy !req
131. did I miss something?Copy !req
132. We're all a big family here.Copy !req
133. Right.Copy !req
134. These interests that you have,Copy !req
135. - do they involve the fairer sex?Copy !req
136. I'm not gonna do that.Copy !req
137. - I'm not talking...
- Guillermo, do you have yourselfCopy !req
138. a little cutie,
chubby little girlfriend?Copy !req
139. Why does she have to be chub—
You know what...Copy !req
140. - Maybe a boyfriend?
Yes. Have you gotCopy !req
141. a little secret,
you little sick fuck?Copy !req
142. Yeah, come on, you stinky bitch.
The library is open.Copy !req
143. - Definitely not gonna talk
about...Copy !req
144. - Oh, one of each, you dirty dog.
- Ooh, yes, he does.Copy !req
145. No, I... I just— I guess I grew
up in a family where, you know,Copy !req
146. talking about your private lifeCopy !req
147. is... that.Copy !req
148. - It's private.
Oh, please.Copy !req
149. Do you know what the most
beautiful thing in the world is?Copy !req
150. What?Copy !req
151. Fucking.Copy !req
152. The kaleidoscopic entwiningCopy !req
153. of limbs and genitalia.Copy !req
154. Men, women. Women, men.Copy !req
155. Women, women, women,Copy !req
156. women, men, men, men, men.Copy !req
157. Anything gets me hard.Copy !req
158. Sometimes it's a problem.Copy !req
159. Not to me.Copy !req
160. Everyone fucks and sucks,Copy !req
161. - thousands of chaps
and chap-esses...
- Mm.Copy !req
162. before they meet the one.
But if they're lucky,Copy !req
163. they can go off and fuck
millions of others, like we do.Copy !req
164. Don't think that was the case
with my parents.Copy !req
165. Tell us more about that.Copy !req
166. You really want to know?Copy !req
167. - Yeah, yeah.
Yes.
- Mm.Copy !req
168. Uh, well, yeah.Copy !req
169. It is tough. I mean,
I remember being ten or 11Copy !req
170. - when I first realized
that I was...Copy !req
171. Frankie put glass in the piccata
and the restaurant comped us,Copy !req
172. so we got all these chips.
Let's hit the casino.Copy !req
173. - All right.
- Come on, Nadia. Let's go watch
this Rat Pack showCopy !req
174. - with the girls.
- Did you say "the Rat Pack"?Copy !req
175. Yeah, they're good.
- They're here?Copy !req
176. Yeah, yeah, it's the Rat Pack.Copy !req
177. Chips ahoy!Copy !req
178. - Yeah!Copy !req
179. Atlantic City, baby!Copy !req
180. - We're actually seeing
the Rat Pack?
- Yeah!Copy !req
181. I couldn't bloody believe itCopy !req
182. when Charmaine said
we were seeing the Rat Pack.Copy !req
183. I mean, what a coincidence.Copy !req
184. My old mateys, performing here,
tonight!Copy !req
185. Oh, we used to have such fun
together.Copy !req
186. Hanging with the who's who
of the localCopy !req
187. Cosa Nostra in the back room.Copy !req
188. What can I say?Copy !req
189. We were just a bunch
of night cats,Copy !req
190. and nobody was playing
for keeps.Copy !req
191. - I used to scream,Copy !req
192. "Ain't That a Kick in the Head!"Copy !req
193. at every show because it was
my favorite number and also,Copy !req
194. you know,
what a stupid name for a song.Copy !req
195. Frankie used to say that
they should callme the Voice.Copy !req
196. He'd say, uh,Copy !req
197. "Nadja, I don't know
what's more of a problem,Copy !req
198. your voice or my taste
in blondes."Copy !req
199. - Cheers, ladies!
- I love alcohol.Copy !req
200. I have to drink it.
Um, num, num, num.Copy !req
201. - Okay, here they-they are!Copy !req
202. Frankie! Deanie!Copy !req
203. Oh, this is amazing for me!Copy !req
204. It's me, Nadja! Hello!Copy !req
205. Oh, wow. I mean,
they haven't changed at all.Copy !req
206. Nadja from Antipaxos! Hello!Copy !req
207. They did say, uh,
"Ring-a-ding-ding" a lot.Copy !req
208. - Ring-a-ding-ding!
- Which is one
of their catchphrases.Copy !req
209. It's Nadja! Do you remember?Copy !req
210. All right.Copy !req
211. But, you know, croonersCopy !req
212. gonna croon.Copy !req
213. Oh, boy. All right.Copy !req
214. We got some live ones tonight.Copy !req
215. So, who do you guysCopy !req
216. favor for Monday night's fight?Copy !req
217. - I understandCopy !req
218. you're indicating
that you want me to proceed.Copy !req
219. But I'm still assessing
my cards,Copy !req
220. which is within my right.Copy !req
221. Rodriguez, of course,
has that uppercut.Copy !req
222. But Jackson has the reach.
70 inches. That's no slouch.Copy !req
223. - Yes.Copy !req
224. - He hasn't moved for hours.Copy !req
225. I've actually never seen him
like this, to be honest.Copy !req
226. Let's go. Come on.Copy !req
227. I am playing a game calledCopy !req
228. The Big Bang Theory game.Copy !req
229. So hypnotic.Copy !req
230. Really has me in its grips.Copy !req
231. Two Leonards and a Raj.
I need three Rajs!Copy !req
232. Again.Copy !req
233. I won!Copy !req
234. - Bazinga...!Copy !req
235. "Bazinga" is the war cry
of Sheldon,Copy !req
236. their tall leader.Copy !req
237. I haven't seen them
in so long.Copy !req
238. Frankie, Deanie, Sammy,Copy !req
239. my sweet paisans.Copy !req
240. It's me,Copy !req
241. it's your "luck be a lady"!Copy !req
242. - Oh.
- Oh,Copy !req
243. you were the aces of clubs
tonight.Copy !req
244. - Ring-a-ding-ding!Copy !req
245. There it is!Copy !req
246. I don't think it's gonna be
a classic match.Copy !req
247. Anyway, it— Let's see.Copy !req
248. We got a six and a fi—Copy !req
249. I don't really know
how to play this.Copy !req
250. - Come on, Sheldon.
- Yeah, I know
they're still having fun,Copy !req
251. but it's almost sunrise.Copy !req
252. It's very important
for a bodyguardCopy !req
253. to be on top of
when it's time for nap-naps.Copy !req
254. Do it for me, Raj.Copy !req
255. - They get a little aggravatedCopy !req
256. - when they don't get
their night...
- Fucking game!Copy !req
257. See?Copy !req
258. - Time for night-night.
- Come on. Guillermo, not now.Copy !req
259. - Give me more quarters.
I need more quarters.
- No, I think— I think it's timeCopy !req
260. - for night-night.
- No.Copy !req
261. The sun is about to come up.Copy !req
262. - You can't make me.
- Aw. Come on.Copy !req
263. - No, these are my new friends.
- We should go.Copy !req
264. - This way. Over here. This way.
- What does this one do?Copy !req
265. No, it doesn't do anything.Copy !req
266. I still cannot slumber.Copy !req
267. Colin Robinson,
are you slumbering?Copy !req
268. No. And stop asking me.Copy !req
269. Are you slumbering in there?Copy !req
270. We are having a very hard time
trying to slumber!Copy !req
271. Yes, we are also unable
to slumber!Copy !req
272. Guillermo, are you slumbering?Copy !req
273. Guillermo.Copy !req
274. Guillermo, wake up!
I asked you, are you slumbering?Copy !req
275. What is this?Copy !req
276. Oh, shit.Copy !req
277. Shit. No.Copy !req
278. Shit. Shit!Copy !req
279. My ancestral soil!Copy !req
280. It is gone!Copy !req
281. Our ancestral soil is also gone!Copy !req
282. What the piss in hell
is happening?Copy !req
283. You know how it is when you haveCopy !req
284. the binge-watch blinders on.Copy !req
285. I got caught up in a show
that I'm obsessed with,Copy !req
286. and they only air itCopy !req
287. here at the hotel.Copy !req
288. Anyway, housekeeping came in,
and...Copy !req
289. I-I didn't notice
what she was doing.Copy !req
290. - This is very bad.
"Very bad"?Copy !req
291. This is a fucking catastrophe!Copy !req
292. If our ancestral soil is gone,Copy !req
293. then we cannot rest!
If we cannot rest,Copy !req
294. then our powers...Copy !req
295. I can't even say it.Copy !req
296. Our powers are poof! Gone!Copy !req
297. I can feel my powers fading.Copy !req
298. Bat!Copy !req
299. A fucking sparrow.Copy !req
300. - The lamest of all birds.Copy !req
301. There is but one solution.Copy !req
302. Guillermo,Copy !req
303. you must go on a journey,Copy !req
304. a quest.Copy !req
305. How do you feel about that?Copy !req
306. Uh...Copy !req
307. Good. Will the roadsCopy !req
308. - be treacherous? Yes.
- Yes.
- Yes!Copy !req
309. - Maybe I shouldn't...
- Will thereCopy !req
310. be foes at every turn?Copy !req
311. - Most certainly.
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
312. - I have a lot of enemies.
- Don't like that.Copy !req
313. But you are the only one
that can save us.Copy !req
314. Are you man enough?Copy !req
315. Uh...Copy !req
316. Good.Copy !req
317. - He's my best friend.
- Please.Copy !req
318. No, I'm your best friend.Copy !req
319. My hypnosis powers are buggered.Copy !req
320. So I have to look elsewhereCopy !req
321. to secure Gizmo's travel money.Copy !req
322. Could this ruin the greatest
friendship of my life?Copy !req
323. - Seanie!
Hey.Copy !req
324. Hey, Laz. What are you doing?
Get the "D" back!Copy !req
325. I need to borrow your credit
card and not tell you why.Copy !req
326. You can't tell me whyCopy !req
327. you need to borrow
my credit card?Copy !req
328. No explanation necessary.Copy !req
329. - Really?
- You're my best friend.Copy !req
330. Oh, Marone. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
331. Fucking Knicks. They'll break
your heart every time.Copy !req
332. But I can't quit 'em.
You know what I mean?Copy !req
333. Yeah.
- Hey, listen, you're gonna haveCopy !req
334. to pay me back, like,Copy !req
335. right away. ASAP, okay?Copy !req
336. 'Cause the Patrick Ewing
commemorative Discover Card,Copy !req
337. that's for emergencies only.Copy !req
338. Get it back soon.
Listen, I trust you.Copy !req
339. You're my main man.
I'd die for you.Copy !req
340. - Thanks again.Copy !req
341. Yeah, I know that collecting
dirt is shit work, but...Copy !req
342. I've never been to Europe
before, so...Copy !req
343. - Seanie.
- Yeah.Copy !req
344. The past 20 years
have not always been easy.Copy !req
345. We are trapped
in an eternal limboCopy !req
346. at the Monaco Grand Hotel
and Casino facility.Copy !req
347. our roses and our thorns.Copy !req
348. Oh, look at that.Copy !req
349. Oh, she already drank so much.Copy !req
350. Our powers are waning,
and our mindsCopy !req
351. are turning into a thick,
lumpy soup.Copy !req
352. Yes, you have to say you're...Copy !req
353. It is like hot onion water.Copy !req
354. And then you put that in my head
and that's my brain now.Copy !req
355. In the nameCopy !req
356. of Jesus Christ.Copy !req
357. As the pages fall
from the calendar,Copy !req
358. we can do nothing but wait...Copy !req
359. - No!Copy !req
360. amongst the broken tulipsCopy !req
361. in the Garden State.Copy !req
362. Vow renewalCopy !req
363. ceremonies.Copy !req
364. Too long. They're too long.Copy !req
365. And I pronounce you
man and wife.Copy !req
366. Pointless.Copy !req
367. It has been weeks
since any of usCopy !req
368. have had even a moment
of slumber.Copy !req
369. It's actually been only,
like, 14 hours,Copy !req
370. but they get a little punchyCopy !req
371. when they don't get their sleep.Copy !req
372. Three, two, one.Copy !req
373. - Cheese.
- Cheese. Let's do it.Copy !req
374. Cheese!Copy !req
375. Okay, here we are in...
jolly ole England.Copy !req
376. I'm in London, mate.Copy !req
377. Oh, that's not good.Copy !req
378. Just got to get this dirt.Copy !req
379. So I'm gonna put you guys
down here.Copy !req
380. I'm just here for British dirt
for Laszlo.Copy !req
381. All right.Copy !req
382. Back on the plane.Copy !req
383. This Big Bang Theory
is really very good.
- Bazinga.Copy !req
384. Very faithful
to the slot machine.Copy !req
385. - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- For the last time,Copy !req
386. can you turn this TV down?Copy !req
387. Laszlo can be
a real Leonard sometimes,Copy !req
388. - can't he?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
389. Laszlo is feeling very badlyCopy !req
390. for taking $7,539Copy !req
391. from Sean
for the airplane tickets.Copy !req
392. Like a cheap thief.Copy !req
393. - I need to sort this...
- Yeah.Copy !req
394. and I need to sort it now.Copy !req
395. Bazinga!Copy !req
396. Shut up!Copy !req
397. What are you doing, playing
Ping-Pong or basketball?Copy !req
398. - Come on!
- Seanie...Copy !req
399. Yeah. Hey, Laz.Copy !req
400. Good to see you.Copy !req
401. Fuck! Fuck me!Copy !req
402. Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
403. Learn how to use the board!Copy !req
404. Geez...Copy !req
405. - Are you okay?Copy !req
406. Listen, Laz,
can I be honest with you?Copy !req
407. Of course.Copy !req
408. I used to have a...Copy !req
409. big-time gambling problem.Copy !req
410. - Right.
- Like, big-time.
You know, I promised Charmaine,Copy !req
411. you know, I said,
"Hey, listen, we go down to AC,Copy !req
412. - I'll be good this time."
- Right.Copy !req
413. And then I have just blown
all the moneyCopy !req
414. that we were gonna use
for the new deck.Copy !req
415. And we still owe money
for that stupid vow renewal.Copy !req
416. And I've lost all of our money.Copy !req
417. There's no money, Laz.Copy !req
418. I got to make it back.Copy !req
419. Hey, hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
420. She's gonna leave me, Laz.Copy !req
421. She's gonna leave me.Copy !req
422. - Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
423. What good is some soil
from your homelandCopy !req
424. when your best friend
in the whole world is suffering?Copy !req
425. Seanie...!Copy !req
426. And then it hit me.Copy !req
427. I know a few bambinos
who are absolutely rollingCopy !req
428. in the dough-re-mi.Copy !req
429. Surely they won't miss
a few clams.Copy !req
430. Oh, this has been such a scream,Copy !req
431. catching up with you old
so-and-sos.Copy !req
432. Unfortunately,
I cannot hypnotize themCopy !req
433. due to my weakened state. But...Copy !req
434. I can definitely use
my greatest non-vampiric power,Copy !req
435. my irresistible charms.Copy !req
436. How's about you guys give me
all the money you have?Copy !req
437. Hey, boys?Copy !req
438. I don't think so, sugar.Copy !req
439. You don't think so?Copy !req
440. Well, I do think so!Copy !req
441. 'Cause if you don't empty
your motherfucking walletsCopy !req
442. right now, I'm goingCopy !req
443. to empty all of you
of your lives!Copy !req
444. Kill you! Kill you dead!Copy !req
445. That's right.Copy !req
446. Uh...Copy !req
447. Just do it. She's... not well.Copy !req
448. - Yeah.
- Here you go, sugar.
My sweet maraschinoCopy !req
449. - cherry babies.
- Bye.
- Yeah.Copy !req
450. - Laszlo, get the fuck out
of here.
- Yeah, yeah. I say,Copy !req
451. Mr. Sinatra,Copy !req
452. forgive me,
my mind's a little foggy, but...Copy !req
453. last time I looked,Copy !req
454. you weren't Chinese.Copy !req
455. Ring-a-ding-ding.Copy !req
456. I stand corrected.Copy !req
457. You guys work with those people?
I need that dough.Copy !req
458. Here we go.Copy !req
459. Okay.Copy !req
460. $20.Copy !req
461. $100. What?Copy !req
462. This is about $300.Copy !req
463. - Oh, fucking...
- 300 shitting dollars!Copy !req
464. My darling, don't explode,Copy !req
465. but are you quite sure
they're the real Rat PackCopy !req
466. that you met years ago?Copy !req
467. What exactly are you trying
to say?Copy !req
468. Nothing. All good.Copy !req
469. Hello. I'm in Greece.Copy !req
470. Aeropuerto— airport— can
we go to the airport, please?Copy !req
471. Thank you.Copy !req
472. Hey.Copy !req
473. Look at that.Copy !req
474. You got a couple Koothrappalis,Copy !req
475. a Hofstadter,
and four Wolowitzes.Copy !req
476. Oh, and Penny. Not bad.Copy !req
477. Do you know what I have been
wondering, Colin Robinson?Copy !req
478. - What's that?
- Why do they call it
The Big Bang Theory?Copy !req
479. It's about the creation
of the universe.Copy !req
480. The what?Copy !req
481. And inCopy !req
482. a single instant,Copy !req
483. my world was turned upside down.Copy !req
484. hence the Shaminovich-Cohen
conjecture.Copy !req
485. I-I gave him the broad strokes,Copy !req
486. the heliocentric nuts and bolts,Copy !req
487. uh, if you will.Copy !req
488. Has nothing to do with cats,
like you thought.Copy !req
489. But what about
the four elephants?Copy !req
490. For 750 years,Copy !req
491. that the Earth
rested upon the shouldersCopy !req
492. of four mighty elephants...Copy !req
493. Forget about the four elephants.Copy !req
494. who stood on a shell
of a large and noble turtle.Copy !req
495. Look at the turtle.Copy !req
496. - Uh-huh.
- And thenCopy !req
497. - four more elephants.
- ... around whichCopy !req
498. the sun and the moon
and all the stars revolve.Copy !req
499. But now,
thanks to modern science,Copy !req
500. Nandor understands that we're
all just temporary aggregationsCopy !req
501. of dust and fluidCopy !req
502. camping out on a big rockCopy !req
503. that's just one
of an infinite numberCopy !req
504. of equally unspecialCopy !req
505. big rocks that make up partCopy !req
506. of this vast
and uncaring universe.Copy !req
507. This is science.Copy !req
508. - But this is a turtle.
- The worldCopy !req
509. which I have known for
seven and a half centuries...Copy !req
510. is a lie.Copy !req
511. Okay, so we're here
at the border,Copy !req
512. and he's just talking
to the soldier.Copy !req
513. While he's doing that,
I'm gonna go...Copy !req
514. Okay.Copy !req
515. Just gonna get some dirt
right here.Copy !req
516. Just gonna get...Copy !req
517. We got to go.Copy !req
518. Hours pass,Copy !req
519. but the cosmic words
of Colin RobinsonCopy !req
520. are still bouncing around
my slumberless head.Copy !req
521. Really makes you think.Copy !req
522. What's the point of it all?Copy !req
523. What does it mean
to be a vampire?Copy !req
524. I mean,
we have no real families.Copy !req
525. Some of us
don't even have girlfriends.Copy !req
526. Even Sheldon had a girlfriend.Copy !req
527. But me?Copy !req
528. I am all alone,Copy !req
529. floating through the cold,
dark universe like...Copy !req
530. a little grain of furry sand.Copy !req
531. I got 'em.Copy !req
532. One, two, three.Copy !req
533. - I got them al...
- Something to drink?Copy !req
534. No, thank you!Copy !req
535. I'm back! And I brought every—Copy !req
536. What happened... here?Copy !req
537. I have caused
my best human friend SeanCopy !req
538. to be on the brink
of financial ruin and heartache.Copy !req
539. We are just like
my beloved Rat Pack—Copy !req
540. once glorious,
now pathetic peasants.Copy !req
541. And, also, I have never feltCopy !req
542. so small, and what is
the point of anything?Copy !req
543. They won't let me watch
my favorite TV showCopy !req
544. with the sound up.Copy !req
545. [inhales, exhales]:
Okay.Copy !req
546. First things first,
you need to slumber.Copy !req
547. Huh?
- Here you go.
And while you're slumbering,Copy !req
548. - I'll think of a plan.
- But, first,Copy !req
549. scatter the soil
around our insignificant bodies.Copy !req
550. No. First, turn up the sound
on my fancy casino show.Copy !req
551. Before we get started,
should we go around the group,Copy !req
552. see how everyone's energy
is doing?Copy !req
553. - No. Fuck off.
- Okay. Back to normal then.Copy !req
554. So, at 6:47, I'm gonna go down
to the box office.Copy !req
555. I'm gonna buy our tickets
for the fight.Copy !req
556. - Yes, Guillermo, we've got it.
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
557. - Just want to make sure
everyone knows what the plan is.
- Honestly,Copy !req
558. sometimes I just think you love
the sound of your own voice.Copy !req
559. You know what? Let's go.Copy !req
560. Let's-let's do the plan.Copy !req
561. I wasn't really listening, so if
you wouldn't mind repeating it.Copy !req
562. Master, what are you gonna do?Copy !req
563. I am to meet my mark—
Eli Jackson the boxer—Copy !req
564. by the main elevator
at 6:52 in the p.m.'s.Copy !req
565. Shit.Copy !req
566. Going down.Copy !req
567. Into my hypnotic trance.Copy !req
568. Laszlo?
At 6:55,Copy !req
569. I hypnotize "Arturio" Rodriguez.Copy !req
570. Mr. Rodriguez, could I have
a self-portrait photograph?Copy !req
571. Splendid.Copy !req
572. Piece of piss.Copy !req
573. It is 6:59.Copy !req
574. Time to place
a nice, simple bet.Copy !req
575. Hello!Copy !req
576. And in the red corner,Copy !req
577. - heavyweight champion...
And at 8:00 p.m.,
we all take our seatsCopy !req
578. at the fight.Copy !req
579. Ten seconds into round six,Copy !req
580. I trigger the hypnosis
of the twoCopy !req
581. very large warrior menCopy !req
582. by crying out...Copy !req
583. No!Copy !req
584. - It worked!
- Yes!Copy !req
585. Look at that!
Yes!Copy !req
586. And that is why Frankie said
that I should be the Voice.Copy !req
587. 23...Copy !req
588. Benjamin Franklin.Copy !req
589. A lot of people think
he was president.Copy !req
590. They're wrong.
He was an ambassador.Copy !req
591. 24... Stay with me.Copy !req
592. Stay— I—Copy !req
593. Shoot. Now I lost my spot.Copy !req
594. Uh, how does it...?
- You have to step on it.Copy !req
595. - I'm on. I'm on!
- Just...Copy !req
596. - What is happening? Am I flying?
- Just hold on to this.Copy !req
597. - Possessed by witches.
- Nadja, turn around,
turn around.Copy !req
598. - Jump, jump, jump, jump.
Keep moving. Leap.Copy !req
599. There he is. Sean.Copy !req
600. Hey, Laz. What's going on?Copy !req
601. A gentleman's debt,Copy !req
602. repaid in full.Copy !req
603. Oh!Copy !req
604. Oh, my God!Copy !req
605. Laz, you're a lifesaver!Copy !req
606. Thank you. You don't know
what you just did.Copy !req
607. I could kiss you.
And I promise you,Copy !req
608. I'm never, ever,
ever gonna do this again.Copy !req
609. - I promise you guys.
That's it. I'm done.
- Mm.Copy !req
610. - I'm never gambling again.
I'm a new man.
- Good.Copy !req
611. - Good man.
- All right.
You guys are lifesavers.Copy !req
612. - Oh, thank God.
- We just did such
a wonderful thing, my love.Copy !req
613. I think we did.Copy !req
614. Put it all on lucky number 12!Copy !req
615. I didn't want a pine deck,
and now I'm stuckCopy !req
616. with a freakin' pine deck.Copy !req
617. Oh, that's a hell of a beaver.Copy !req
618. - Charmaine...
What the fuck?
You bet the deck?Copy !req
619. You did a very good job,
Guillermo.Copy !req
620. Oh.
Thank you.Copy !req
621. This is from all of us.Copy !req
622. What-what is this?Copy !req
623. Surprise.Copy !req
624. "You are a very good familiar."Copy !req
625. And "familiar" is crossed out
and replaced with "bodyguard."Copy !req
626. You are the bodyguard.
Bodyguard.Copy !req
627. We're all a big family here.Copy !req
628. I did not have sexual
relations with that woman.Copy !req
629. I think this is gonna be
the perfect place to work
without distraction.Copy !req
630. This place inspires us.Copy !req
631. We're not safe here.Copy !req
632. It takes pain
to make beautiful things.Copy !req
633. I'm trying
to keep his family togetherCopy !req
634. under very
difficult circumstancesCopy !req
635. You're probably
wondering what we're doing.Copy !req
636. Short answer,
saving the earth.Copy !req
637. Again.Copy !req
638. I'm not leaving without you.Copy !req
639. I need something soft
to land on.Copy !req
640. We've heard rumors
that some men survived.Copy !req
641. Those people
will jump at anythingCopy !req
642. that has a whiff
of conspiracy.Copy !req
643. So you'd better be sure.Copy !req