What We Do in the Shadows 3x3

1. There's nothing more addictive than success.

2. You've tasted it.

3. You'll never going to be able to live without it.

4. Nandor!

5. Nandor!

6. Where the fuck is Nandor?

7. Nandor has taken to

8. slipping away from the house at odd times recently.

9. Which is very annoying for me,

10. 'cause, unfortunately,

11. I need his help with

12. updating the Vampiric Council's website.

13. I don't even know what a website is.

14. I thought it was something to do with spiders.

15. Not tonight, huh, guys?

16. Nandor's behavior has been very odd of late.

17. Privacy, please!

18. Nandor. Nandor...

19. But I think I know why.

20. He's been disappearing

21. to the penny pornos.

22. Penny porno is a room in town

23. where men pay a cent to sit next to each other

24. and whack off. Why would he lie about that?

25. I wouldn't care; I'd tell everyone that's where I go.

26. In fact, I've just come back from there.

27. I honestly have no idea where he's been going.

28. Knock, knock. Coming in.

29. I should know where's he at at all times. I'm his bodyguard.

30. Rise and shine,

31. sleepy—

32. And that is not Nandor.

33. I honestly have no idea where he's going.

34. So we've decided to follow him.

35. Me, personally,

36. I couldn't give a shit where he goes.

37. But I don't want the others to think

38. that I'm not down to clown at the drop of a hat.

39. Do you hear that?

40. That's definitely him.

41. Why would he come to a hotel?

42. - Whoa.

43. Sounds like he's in distress.

44. You'd better break the door down.

45. - No, because it sounds—

46. - It could be something else. - Bodyguard, break the door down.

47. Okay. Everyone stand back.

48. Oh, hi, guys!

49. Remember Gail? I am inside her right now.

50. Hi, Gail. Nice to see you again.

51. Hey, Gail. - Hey, guys!

52. Okay. Everyone out. Uh, yeah.

53. The cat's out the bag!

54. Your boy's in love.

55. Gail is coming over tonight and everything has to be perfect.

56. I have not always been

57. so lucky in love.

58. Of course, there were my 37 wives,

59. but they mostly hated me.

60. Anyway, I had a dry spell

61. for about 200 years.

62. And then I met Gail.

63. We have been what you might call off and on

64. over the past 30, 40 years.

65. But I simply cannot keep away.

66. Her hair smells of tropical fruits,

67. her scalp of medication.

68. She lounges in T-shirts

69. bearing the image of musical poet Robert Seger.

70. And her favorite brand of yogurt

71. is strawberry vanilla crunch.

72. Guillermo! Have you still got that mini fridge?

73. Yes, you do!

74. - Great. - My fridge.

75. What's— What do you need that for?

76. - What's all this shit? - That's medicine.

77. I need to keep that refrigerated— It's fine.

78. The doctor said there might be side effects if I don't.

79. - Don't be such a snowflake. - Why do you need my fridge?

80. - Nice. - What is going on?

81. That's a lot of yogurt.

82. - You don't eat yogurt. - It's for Gail.

83. Gail.

84. Of course I'm happy for my master. Why wouldn't I be?

85. But, as his bodyguard, it is my job

86. to personally vet anyone that he spends time with.

87. And that's exactly what I'll do.

88. Nandor, we really need to make a decision on these fonts.

89. I like Helvetica,

90. 'cause it's the name of one of the prostitutes

91. for the donkeys in my village and we were friendly.

92. - What do you think? - About what?

93. The fonts for the Vampiric Council website.

94. I mean, we could do Franklin Gothic,

95. but it's a bit on the nose.

96. Not now, Nadja, please.

97. Gail is coming over tonight.

98. Yes, we are familiar

99. - with Gail. - Now you're taking a risk there,

100. 'cause my wife hates Gail more than anyone in the world.

101. I have no issue with Gail.

102. What I have a problem with

103. is every time her and Nandor get back together,

104. she gets his hopes up

105. that he can turn her into a vampire

106. and they can be together for eternity.

107. And then she always says "no"

108. and then he always gets heartbroken.

109. It's the same thing over and over again

110. for the past 40 years.

111. It really breaks my heart to see him like this.

112. All right, all right, my darling.

113. I mean, we all know you hate the woman.

114. That much is clear.

115. I like her!

116. Ah, I may as well tell you.

117. Oh... for fuck's sake.

118. Is that what I think it is?

119. No, it's not, you little pervert.

120. It's an engagement ring.

121. I'm going to give it to Gail this evening,

122. then I'm going to turn her into a vampire,

123. then we are going to be together for eternity.

124. Mm-hmm.

125. He's been down there for hours,

126. desperately trying to find out what he can

127. about the origin of energy vampires.

128. Between you and I, though,

129. I wouldn't normally spend this much time with him,

130. but I figured the quicker he gets on with it,

131. the quicker he'll shut his mouth.

132. I mean, there's tons of stuff down here

133. about regular vampires,

134. but almost nothing about energy vampires.

135. Ha-Have you found anything?

136. Bat!

137. So what am I looking for, exactly?

138. I'm not sure.

139. - Could take years, though. - What the hell is that?

140. What— What?

141. That book. - Just another book. I...

142. No, no, no, no.

143. This particular book.

144. Cornelius Dong's Adventures

145. - in the Boner Brigade. - Exactly.

146. That never came out in hardback.

147. Which means it's a fake.

148. What the fuck?

149. Shit.

150. My jalopy!

151. - Your— your what? - Here she is.

152. I-I didn't even know you could drive.

153. Well, I can.

154. I-I'm an excellent driver. Rain Man.

155. - You are?

156. Well, that's handy, 'cause I'm not.

157. And I'm banned, which is why it's been impounded.

158. The Vampiric Council confiscated my beloved jalopy

159. to punish me for transporting miners across state lines.

160. I always wondered where they hid it away

161. and it's been right under my nose the entire time.

162. What else do you want to know?

163. One Yoplait here and then two up there.

164. How did you get this ring?

165. I killed some virgins the other night,

166. and one was wearing a promise ring.

167. I guess that's one promise he's going to keep.

168. Ugh.

169. You desecrated a corpse.

170. Oh, who even knows what counts

171. with young people these days?

172. - She's here!

173. You're not gonna get him to focus on anything

174. for the Council, not while Gail's around.

175. And I totally agree.

176. Agree with what? I didn't say anything.

177. Oh, come on. We all know that you kind of think

178. that Gail is a little bit of a big-time bitch.

179. I don't dislike Gail!

180. Why does everyone think I dislike Ga—

181. It's because we're women. That is so...

182. Put your differences aside and just talk to her,

183. - woman to woman. - About what?

184. Look, I just don't want

185. to see Nandor get hurt.

186. What am I sitting on?

187. Oh. I'll take care of that, don't worry.

188. Shame it wasn't his face.

189. Ah. Is this good? Here? Whoa.

190. A fireplace.

191. Romantic.

192. Nandor's an acquired taste, I'd say.

193. Like sardines, maybe.

194. Like, you're not sure that you're gonna like 'em,

195. and then you try 'em

196. and then you eat, like, five, six cans a day

197. for a month straight and then suddenly

198. you're like, "Welp, I think I'm sick of sardines now."

199. But then, a few years go by, and you're like,

200. "How come I never eat sardines anymore?"

201. Sorry, I was

202. just, uh... Didn't mean to, um...

203. Oh, come in, come in.

204. We were just dancing in between rounds of cunnilingus.

205. - Hello, Gail.

206. How have you been?

207. Oh, you know. Fine.

208. My daughter, up in Rochester—

209. - you know, the one in marketing? - So talented.

210. Oh, God.

211. Well, her ex is just taking her to the cleaners.

212. And then this, on top of the rain that we've been having,

213. - it's like, "Ah!" You know? Ah.

214. Too much water.

215. Too much. - You need a yogurt.

216. - I got your favorite. Oh, boy.

217. - A yogurt!

218. You like that? I do like that.

219. Nice, hey? Feel her curves. She's a beaut.

220. Ah, yeah. What's it run on?

221. Petrol and coal.

222. - Hybrid. - You might say.

223. It's called a Stutz Laszlo.

224. They only made four. They gave one to Henry Ford

225. and then he gave his one to his hero, Mussolini.

226. That... seems about right.

227. - Right.

228. - Whoa-ho!

229. - Did you hear that? - Yeah.

230. Come on, man, let's go for a ride.

231. We can go wherever you want.

232. Montenegro, Cote d'Azur.

233. - You name it. - Buffalo?

234. Let's do it.

235. Yeah, all right.

236. - Yes! Now we're talking. - Sounds kind of fun.

237. - A little adventure. - Yeah.

238. Energy vampires love a good road trip.

239. I, myself, always have my mix ready to go.

240. 25 "Hey There Delilahs."

241. Oh, and I have my trail mix.

242. Not to eat, of course,

243. but to shove into the crevices of the seats.

244. Shit. I'm gonna need you to help me get it out of here.

245. Okay, just come back, just a little.

246. What's the problem?

247. Um, there's a block down here. Let me get it.

248. What the hell?

249. - Did I get you? - Did you get— Yeah.

250. I have no reflection in the rearview mirror.

251. You don't, but I do. I reflect.

252. Okay.

253. Don't think the room is big enough.

254. - I don't think we can get it out. - I think they

255. built this around the car.

256. It was built around it?

257. Around the car!

258. - I-I have a crazy idea. - What?

259. - Are you in?

260. - Right. - What?

261. No!

262. Shit. Sorry, man. Did I get you?

263. Back up. - Do what?

264. Back up.

265. I don't know if it can do that.

266. Reverse, you shithead.

267. I wanted to ask Gail something,

268. but I wanted to go and get something

269. that I want to give her when I ask her that something,

270. so maybe if you just stay here and keep her company,

271. I can go and do that

272. and maybe towel off my, uh, face and genitals.

273. Uh... Fine.

274. - Yes? Thank you. Yes.

275. I'll leave you guys to it; I'll be back in a sec.

276. Thank you. Oh, Guillermo!

277. Have you seen my genital towel?

278. - Guillermo. - Ah!

279. We're just— we're just watching Twilight, see?

280. - Where is the ring? - What?

281. The ring in the box! For Gail.

282. - Is this it? - Give me that!

283. And I am borrowing this towel.

284. That's my favorite sweater.

285. It's simple. - Mm? All right.

286. We take the car apart here,

287. move it outside, then reassemble it there.

288. How long did you own this car before it was taken from you?

289. - About ten minutes. - Oh. Then— All right.

290. I haven't spent much time with Colin Robinson

291. in the past, for the main, obvious reason

292. that he's incredibly fucking dull.

293. If you buy a German car,

294. you're basically supporting the Nazi party.

295. I don't know. Maybe

296. I've gone soft in my old age,

297. but I've noticed that he looks a bit lonely.

298. I thought I'd spend some time with him.

299. I mean, you could call it my good deed.

300. You're not masturbating, are you?

301. You know, I've never really

302. spent much time with Laszlo before.

303. With Nadja being away so much with her Council duties,

304. I've decided to take pity on the poor guy.

305. I-I think he just needs a friend.

306. You've got to keep notes as I'm talking,

307. otherwise it'll all go to shit.

308. Well, I'm trying to keep up

309. with all these parts you're making up.

310. - What is this? - I don't know.

311. A wiggabuhbiggle is what you called it.

312. The man knows his cars.

313. Yeah, actually, I used to think

314. that my parents were energy vampires,

315. but I-I don't know anymore.

316. My dad was really dynamic and outgoing,

317. kind of a RuPaul type,

318. but in the '20s.

319. And my mom, I...

320. I don't really remember my mom anymore.

321. Did you mum die when you were young?

322. Nah, she was just boring. Still is.

323. Is this the bonus pile or is that?

324. I'll be honest. At this point,

325. I don't think it really matters.

326. - I had a mother once. - Oh?

327. What-what was she like?

328. No idea. I was raised by my nanny,

329. who used to make me learn Latin in the nude.

330. - Oh. - I quite liked it.

331. - Oh. Are you leaving? - Yeah. It's getting late

332. and I really want to get back to my condo

333. for Grey's Anatomy.

334. I think Nandor is going to ask you something

335. stupid, pathetic, and, uh, get rejected again, as usual.

336. Nandor knows that Thursday nights

337. are for the gals.

338. Meaning me and Meredith Grey.

339. But, uh, tonight is, uh, Saturday.

340. It's what?

341. Tonight is not Thursday, tonight is Saturday.

342. Excuse me, sweetie, you are on my slacks.

343. Oh. I just think Nandor will be down

344. - in just a little, tiny, one little moment... - I gotta go.

345. Gail! Wait! Oh, I want to talk to you about Nandor.

346. We can have a girlie to girlie conversation.

347. - There's not a lot to talk about, really. - Gail!

348. Wait. Wait! There is a bloody plunket of a man upstairs

349. who has feelings, and those feelings are going to get hurt

350. and then we will never choose a font!

351. - Gail! Get away from me!

352. - Gail?

353. Fuckin' hell. Oh!

354. So many nipples.

355. Shoo! Shoo!

356. Oh, Nandor, what have you done?

357. I'll be completely honest with you,

358. I've never done an actual car reassembly before.

359. - Yeah, no shit, my beauty.

360. What the fuck, you two?

361. Do you know what kind of damage you've done

362. to some of our most priceless artifacts

363. with this jackass stunt of yours?

364. A good evening to you, too.

365. - We may have bumped into a few things.

366. You shattered the crystal blood chalice

367. of Vlad the Impaler himself!

368. You left an enormous dent in the sarcophagus of Amon-Ra,

369. - and you tore the Shroud of Urine! Wait, wait.

370. There's a Shroud of Turin in there?

371. No. The Shroud of Urine.

372. It is a completely different thing

373. and even more valuable.

374. And it is ruined!

375. What you're failing to understand

376. is the ball ache that we both had trying to get this

377. from inside there to out here.

378. That would make a lot of sense to me,

379. if there wasn't a giant red button.

380. Ah, the magic of mechanical garage doors.

381. Yeah, okay. But how were we supposed to see

382. the big red button when we were inside?

383. You're right. A couple of idiots inside

384. couldn't see the other red button?

385. That says "push to open"?

386. - Fuck it!

387. Have fun! I've got to go call the insurance people!

388. They're gonna rip me apart.

389. Well, I think I'm gonna head home and do my research

390. - from there for a while. - No, hang on.

391. I can give you a lift, if you like.

392. - Yeah, sure, that sounds fun.

393. You'll have to top her up, though.

394. - Can do.

395. Right.

396. - You ready to roll? - Yeah.

397. - Let's do it.

398. Shit.

399. Just kidding. I'm fine.

400. I'm fine. It's just a little fire.

401. Honestly, of all the things!

402. You have really pissed all over our pips this time, Nandor.

403. Okay, yes. My Gail happens to be a werewolf.

404. - But when we met, she was still human.

405. She's only recently been turned in a werewoman.

406. Which is the proper term for a female werewolf.

407. And you knew this, and you didn't tell us.

408. - Well... - I defended that woman

409. against my wife's jealousy.

410. I don't dislike Gail!

411. But this, me old chap, is a bridge too far.

412. Are you insinuating

413. that I would do it with her while she is in wolf form?

414. Because I did, but I was in bat form.

415. And it was exclusively hand stuff.

416. We are the leaders of the Vampiric Council.

417. How do you think it looks that one of our own

418. is porking our mortal enemy!

419. Guillermo, say something, please!

420. Oh, no, don't get me in the middle of this.

421. I just want whatever makes my master happy.

422. Correct answer, Guillermo.

423. It's not gonna last.

424. Does it not bother you that she's strung you along

425. for 40 years over becoming a vampire

426. and the moment a werewolf shows her his lipstick,

427. she lets him turn her into a werewoman?

428. Being a werewolf is not a crime!

429. The only crime that my Gail is guilty of is stealing.

430. Stealing my heart.

431. Come on, guys. Just...

432. come with me and meet her and her clan

433. and we can mingle together.

434. Come see that werewolves ain't so bad.

435. - I'm in. - Thank you, Colin Robinson.

436. - That's one. Laszlo? Traitor!

437. - Fine. - That's two.

438. - Laszlo! - I make... Nadja...

439. Oh.

440. I know that you have some

441. personal differences with Gail.

442. It's only natural, as a woman...

443. I don't dislike her because she's a woman, okay?

444. Okay, then. Woman, werewoman, whatever.

445. A lot of women these days

446. are leaning into each other.

447. It's like a thing now.

448. This could be you and this could be Gail.

449. I am not going to do trust exercises with a dog.

450. Please?

451. - For me? - Fine.

452. - I'll go. - Yeah!

453. Okay, now, look; we're not here to cause trouble,

454. we're just here to, you know, be nice.

455. And nonconfrontational.

456. - Hi, werewolves!

457. Well, well. If it isn't the Addams Family.

458. Um... greetings.

459. - Car! Car! - Hey...

460. Car.

461. Sorry about making you jump off the Circuit City

462. the last time we were all together.

463. Toby!

464. Oh, what the hell? Well-played.

465. It's a protocol thing. It's not personal.

466. Hello again. Hi.

467. - Nice to— What the...

468. Nadja, you must never approach

469. a werewolf when they are eating. Sorry about that.

470. I'm so sorry.

471. Uh, can we start again?

472. Yes.

473. Uh, I'm Chad.

474. Uh, you remember Ange. Yeah.

475. Dougie. Toby.

476. - Hello again. Hi.

477. - Oh, for fuck's sake!

478. - Michael! - I knew this was a bad idea.

479. No, no, no. It's a very good idea.

480. Please, guys. I haven't even seen Gail yet.

481. Well, is that her over there?

482. With that werewolf?

483. Anton is a guy

484. that I date sometimes who happens to be

485. a werewolf, and he happened to turn me into a werewolf, too.

486. I'm not super serious with Anton.

487. - Guillermo!

488. - Excuse me.

489. - Excuse me!

490. Allow me to introduce myself.

491. My name's Guillermo de la Cruz

492. and I'm the official bodyguard

493. of that vampire right there.

494. Hi.

495. And...?

496. Ay...

497. Not only am I his bodyguard,

498. I am also his heart guard.

499. You just reminded me of something.

500. Guys, did we remember

501. to take our Heartgard this month?

502. - Oh. - You got to remember

503. - to take your Heartgard, or... - I took it. I took it.

504. - ... you're gonna get worms. - We'll get worms.

505. All right?

506. Oh, Jesus.

507. I always knew we couldn't trust your kind.

508. Well, I always knew we couldn't trust your kind.

509. - And I always knew

510. we couldn't trust your kind.

511. - Yes, and I, too, always knew...

512. Okay, enough.

513. We get it. Nobody trusts each other.

514. The only way to resolve this

515. is a free-for-all.

516. To the death.

517. No. Stop. Stop.

518. There's a better way to resolve your differences.

519. Yeah?

520. Twilight style.

521. What's that? The... the movie.

522. Tw-Twilight...

523. You know what I'm saying. Twilight.

524. We should just play kickball.

525. Kick— Everyone knows kickball.

526. I'll kick your balls. - Never heard of it.

527. Come on, Nandor! You can do it!

528. - Nandor!

529. I hope you're not feeling too tired,

530. 'cause I can go all night!

531. Oh, I'm sure Gail's completely satisfied

532. with your tiny little bat dick.

533. I'll give you a bat dick!

534. I mean, proportionally, it is quite normal, but

535. it is slightly teensy and ineffective.

536. I mean, it's a bat dick.

537. You know?

538. Go!

539. Ah! Ah!

540. Come on, Laszlo!

541. Use the weight of your penis, darling.

542. You ready, Dick Jagger?

543. - Go now!

544. Bat!

545. Go, Laszlo! Go!

546. Where did he go?

547. I think he's flown home.

548. Laszlo?

549. No! No!

550. - Animal form is cheating!

551. Come on, werewolves, you're slacking!

552. Give me the ball. Give it to me.

553. Get away from me, dog.

554. - Anton, go! Pretend the ball

555. - is Gail's head! - I don't dislike Gail!

556. That was an accident!

557. - Shit. No, I-I did

558. look out for her! Stop filming!

559. - It was an accident! Gail! My Gail!

560. - Oh... I really like her Please don't film me.

561. I like this woman.

562. You kicked a ball in her head and now she's dead!

563. Accidentally. - My sweet Gail!

564. - Stand aside, werewolf!

565. I know what to do.

566. Ow.

567. Breathe. Yummy.

568. - Mmm...

569. Oh, yummy, yummy. Yes.

570. What happened?

571. She's alive!

572. I didn't kill her.

573. - I didn't kill her. - Where's my pocketbook?

574. Can you stand?

575. - Can you stand? - Of course I can stand.

576. I'm old, but I'm not an invalid.

577. - Oh... - Hey, Gail.

578. Now that you are a vampire,

579. and we can spend the rest of eternity together,

580. there is something that I would like to ask you.

581. Gail Marie you-never-told-me- your-last-name,

582. would you do me the honor

583. of being my vampire bride?

584. Oh, Nandor.

585. Yeah, I was married before

586. and it is just... it's just not for me.

587. - But, hey, you know,

588. maybe in 30 or 40 years

589. down the road, who knows? I mean,

590. we have all eternity

591. to figure this out.

592. - That's ages, though. - Yes. Listen.

593. Will you wait for me?

594. - Yes? - Forever.

595. - Found your pocketbook. - Oh!

596. All right, guys, I have

597. to fly to Buffalo in the morning.

598. My daughter's promotion fell through.

599. - Oh... - And then, with the weather

600. that we've been having...

601. I mean, I really,

602. really need to get to the airport early, okay?

603. Bye, Gail.

604. - Bye. Bye, guys. - We love you. I like her.

605. Bye, Gail.

606. - Oh! - Whoa.

607. Careful of the fence!

608. - Ah...

609. My sweet Gail!

610. Farewell, my Gail.

611. I don't want to click on this.

612. This is my first website,

613. and I think I did a pretty good job.

614. Yeah. Maybe a less exciting font.

615. - I don't like it. - You don't like what?

616. - I...

617. Is that what I think it is?

618. Oh! Fancy a ride?

619. Oh, I'll ride on you anytime, my darling.

620. Come on!

621. How about me? No, thank you.

622. Oh. - Gail...

623. Take my hand. Lovely. I remember this.

624. Okay. You can let go now. - Okay.

625. Is there room for one more? - There certainly is.

626. For two more? - You're going round the back.

627. - Ah... All right, uh, everyone.

628. - Get buckled in.

629. - Close the door.

630. Hold on to your butts!

631. Wow, she can really move!

632. Can you honk the horn?

633. - Wait, wait, wait!

634. Hang on!

635. COLIN ROBINSON READING]

636. I wanna say one thing to the American people.

637. I did not...

638. Have sexual relations with that woman,

639. Miss Lewinsky.

640. My name's Archer.

641. Uh, I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission.

642. Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day.

643. Lose the almost and then take it again

644. There's been an event.

645. The world over.

646. Everywhere, they're gone.

647. I, I just can't...

648. Make sense of it.

649. How did he survive?

650. Why him?