What We Do in the Shadows 3x1

1. You're probably wondering what we're doing.

2. Short answer, saving the earth.

3. Again.

4. I'm not leaving without you.

5. I need something soft to land on.

6. It is a dark time in Staten Island.

7. A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.

8. Not us, thankfully. We're fine.

9. But are we?

10. I don't think we are.

11. The worst part

12. is that it was our familiar

13. that did the slaughtering.

14. The worst part is it was Nandor's

15. own familiar that did the slaughtering.

16. It was Nandor's employee.

17. Really Nandor's responsibility.

18. - Yep. - Talk to Nandor.

19. It is true that Guillermo—

20. the familiar that all of us share command of

21. and responsibility for— is the one that did the slaughtering.

22. - Aah! But he did it

23. to save our lives from the Vampiric Council.

24. Still, he should not have done so much slaughtering.

25. I frankly couldn't give a cat's knuckle about Gizmo.

26. I mean, he's just kind of this fluttering lickspittle

27. that is always bouncing about, always behind Nandor.

28. - But Nandor likes him. Oh, shut up, Colin Robinson.

29. - You're giving me the pip. - Yes.

30. And we are running out of time here.

31. Well, I guess I should just shut the fuck up then.

32. If you insist.

33. I'm not objecting.

34. You know, we know what we have to do.

35. We have to put Guillermo to death

36. before he puts all of us to death.

37. - But he saved our lives. Okay, so we're saying,

38. "Thank you for saving us, but sorry,

39. you're our mortal enemy— you got to die, babes."

40. But we are still in imminent danger.

41. May I remind you all that we were sentenced

42. to death by the Vampiric Council for killing vampires.

43. - Which he did. - And then more vampires were killed.

44. - By him. - Which means they're gonna send more assassins

45. over here to get us. And perhaps our familiar...

46. - Your familiar, dickhead. - You hired him, you bloody plonker.

47. is the only one that can protect us.

48. But how do you know he's not going to kill us?

49. - It is in his bloods. Ah, yes.

50. Francis Galton's

51. - nature versus nurture... Shut the fuck up.

52. - Speak quiet, Colin Robinson. - Stop it, Colin Robinson.

53. Everybody relax. I have given this

54. a lot of thought, and my vote is...

55. - You don't get a vote. - Hey!

56. - Why not? - Because you are basically

57. just another version of Nadja,

58. and so your vote would be the same as hers,

59. - which is not fair. You don't know that.

60. - Just because... - Oh, sorry, you go.

61. - No, you go. - No, you go.

62. - Okay, I'll go. - Okay, fine.

63. What would your vote be?

64. Death.

65. What a brilliant point she has.

66. I think we should slumber on this.

67. We do not have time to slumber! The Vampiric Council is probably

68. - out there now searching for us and him as we speak.

69. Silence! And hark.

70. That was him.

71. What could he want?

72. Perhaps he is warning us of an imminent danger.

73. Or maybe his poop bucket's full.

74. - We must check. - I hope it's the poop bucket.

75. Oh, and while you're down there...

76. kill him.

77. Make sure that you use the handrail, because

78. - the stairs are very steep.

79. Stupid prick.

80. When was he last fed?

81. What day is it? Sunday, maybe?

82. Really? Gosh, it feels like Saturday.

83. It's just, like, "Where did my weekend go?"

84. Am I right?

85. This is why I said we should have a checklist

86. of when he was fed and who fed him.

87. How long has he been down here?

88. Almost a month. 29 days.

89. A month, and you've not decided his fate yet?

90. Well, I have certainly been trying to.

91. A decision like that, there's a lot of moving parts.

92. Got it.

93. Now remember, do not look him directly in the eyes.

94. We still do not know the depths of his power.

95. I never looked him in the eyes anyway, so I'm certainly

96. not gonna start now. Get the door open.

97. Stand aside.

98. - Hi. - Guillermo, why did you summon us?

99. - Is there a threat of imminent danger? - No.

100. - Stand back! He's lunging at us! Oh! - Not that I know of.

101. - My bathroom bucket's full, needs to be emptied. Eesh.

102. - Okay. Maybe one of you big, strong men... - I'll do it. I'll do it.

103. I-I think it's important that I sift through the scat

104. to see if he's sending out any secret messages.

105. Scat away. Good thinking.

106. Um, so, here are your foods.

107. - Thank you, Nadja.

108. - You can just hand it to me. I'm not... - Stay.

109. - ... not gonna hurt you. Nice job.

110. Yay, more raw chicken.

111. The prisoner will slide his bucket of shame

112. over to the sally port.

113. And the prisoner will be reminded

114. not to make any sudden movements,

115. - lest he get the prod. - I have a name.

116. Just slide your shit bucket over to sally's port.

117. Thank you.

118. Careful.

119. There you go. Come to Mama.

120. This is ridiculous. Can't you just let me out?

121. - You know I wouldn't hurt you. Bullshit. Please remember

122. that this man is a vampire killer.

123. I was protecting you! I saved your lives!

124. Yes, and we have taken that into consideration.

125. But we are still in discussions about

126. what your fate is going to be.

127. Oh, okay. And may I ask how far along you are

128. - in these discussions? Or is it one of those things No.

129. where you just linger and argue with each other

130. 'cause you don't have a Guillermo next to you

131. to solve all of your problems?

132. - This fucking guy. - Insolent! - You need to prod him.

133. Hey, hey, hey! The prisoner will be reminded

134. to treat his captors with respect

135. - and kindness. - Yes.

136. - Or he'll taste the wrath of my... Do it.

137. Don't touch the metal. - Prod. Ow!

138. - Shit! Ay, shit.

139. - You okay? - No! Let's go.

140. We've lingered here long enough.

141. He'll just do his mind magic on us.

142. - What? - That's probably what he's doing with my cattle prod.

143. No, don't touch that end, Colin Rob... - Ow!

144. Ay, fuck. - Shit! That one was on me.

145. - Not giving you credit for that one. I don't want credit.

146. We will make a judgement about your future shortly.

147. And who's gonna protect you, huh?

148. I'm not asking

149. for any kind of special treatment!

150. I'm just want to protect you from yourselves!

151. Laszlo. Laszlo?

152. - No, Laszlo...

153. Ow, Fuck!

154. Okay, so, day 30 of imprisonment.

155. Not bad, actually.

156. I get pretty good Wi-Fi down here, so I've been able

157. to rewatch some of my favorites.

158. Did another round of Gilmore Girls.

159. I can show you around if you want, give you a tour.

160. Here, this is my bed.

161. Here's my mini fridge.

162. And there's the chicken they think I eat raw.

163. And some Yoo-hoos.

164. And that is where I, um... yeah.

165. Without me, the vampires don't know what they're doing.

166. Like, literally they can't do anything without me.

167. They can't even imprison someone.

168. You want to see something cool?

169. Here's a little secret.

170. What I've been doing is I've been

171. sneaking out when they go into slumber.

172. Colin Robinson heads out to work by 9:45,

173. so I'm up by then.

174. I've been coming up here and doing all the things

175. that need to be done to keep the house functioning.

176. Of course they don't notice, because

177. they just think it happens automatically.

178. It doesn't.

179. I do it.

180. Heads up.

181. I mean, I should really just consider

182. escaping,

183. And leaving.

184. And never coming back.

185. Especially 'cause they're considering

186. you know, killing me.

187. - Thank you. - But I just wonder what

188. would happen if I wasn't here to help them out.

189. They're like family.

190. I know—

191. codependent much?

192. Look, I, too have developed

193. a small seed of affection

194. for Guillermo, but the vampire code stands.

195. He killed vampires, therefore he must be killed.

196. What about the warrior's code?

197. A man who saves your life in battle should be owed

198. a debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.

199. Ah, yeah, the, uh, perennial conundrum between

200. - the warrior code and the vampire code...

201. What... Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

202. Oh, you know what, it's probably one of the black birds

203. that's been gathering outside lately.

204. How you holding up?

205. Yeah, comme ci, comme ça.

206. I don't know what that means.

207. So... has there been any updates

208. - on... my fate? - No.

209. It's really looking like we're going to end up killing you.

210. Well...

211. - I'm a soldier. - Yes.

212. Not a great warrior like you, of course, but...

213. - Oh, thank you. - ... a soldier nonetheless.

214. Who saved your life.

215. And would do it again in a heartbeat.

216. 'Cause that's the code I live by.

217. The code of the warrior.

218. Yes.

219. This is what I've been trying to tell them.

220. You are?

221. There's a code amongst warriors.

222. - The warriors code. - Yes.

223. Sadly, I am but a lone voice crying out in the...

224. wilderness.

225. Ow. Fucking splinter in my foot.

226. Which reminds me.

227. I brought you your dinner.

228. - The chicken. - Yes.

229. I let it warm up to room temperature for a few days.

230. Oh... mm.

231. - I'll leave the light on. - Thank you.

232. I put these security cameras everywhere just to make sure

233. the vampires are safe.

234. Usually, the only alerts I get are when raccoons get into

235. the trash cans or Laszlo goes out to the potting shed

236. in the back yard to, uh, whack off.

237. But...

238. What the hell?

239. And you're comfortable slumbering in your coffin

240. knowing that bloody Guillermo's poncing around the house?

241. We could get locks for our coffins— inside locks.

242. Does such a thing even exist?

243. I can't even slumber knowing he's downstairs

244. in that basement, so I've been...

245. busy in my potting shed.

246. Well, I've continued

247. to sift through his stinky pickles

248. from his toilet bucket, and I can confirm

249. he's not smuggling out any secret messages.

250. Good work, Colin Robinson.

251. But I will continue to sift through it

252. on a daily basis in...

253. - The... - What?

254. Stand back!

255. Laszlo, get down!

256. Ooh! What the heck?

257. You hit me with a stake!

258. Stand back! She's trying to kill all of you.

259. See, this is what I'm talking about. He's a good soldier.

260. - He's gonna kill us all! - I'm not trying to kill anyone.

261. - I'm not trying to kill anyone, either... except for you! Great.

262. - Whoa. Good catch.

263. Thank you.

264. Chillax, familiar.

265. you're a vampire-killer,

266. with the stakes and the reflexes and all that— great job.

267. - Yay. Now,

268. - may I speak? You may speak,

269. dark shade, but, remember,

270. no bullshit from thy mouth.

271. But before you speak,

272. how did the prisoner get out of his cage?

273. - I'll tell you later. - Okay, but what about your poop bucket?

274. I mean, is it empty, half-empty, mostly liquid,

275. or are there some Lincoln Logs in there for me?

276. - Okay. Listen, everyone,

277. I didn't mean to alarm you,

278. but we haven't heard from you.

279. We sent 87 ravens to summon you...

280. which is a big deal for our budget.

281. - Oh, that makes sense— all the ravens.

282. Okay. So you did see them,

283. and you did nothing, just like last time?

284. Well, maybe you could try using the telephone?

285. We did try the telephone.

286. It is Guillermo's job to answer the telephone.

287. I'm sorry, but why did you not answer the telephone?

288. Because you had me in a cage in the basement!

289. Always an excuse with this wise guy.

290. All right, on to the business at hand.

291. I come to you with a personal message

292. from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council.

293. - Oh, shit. - Yes, the council that rules

294. over all other councils.

295. Now, do you have a VCR?

296. - A what? - How are you spelling that?

297. V-C-R.

298. - "Visar." - No.

299. - Is this really necessary? Yes, it is. Ah, ah, ah.

300. Vampires all, draw ye near

301. that ye may receive the message

302. from the Supreme Worldwide Vampiric Council.

303. Now press play.

304. That's rewind. That's pause.

305. - I'm pressing it. The Voice is on in a little bit—

306. - can we, uh... Careful. - Ugh.

307. Play.

308. Hi.

309. - Nandor the Relentless, Yes?

310. - Nadja of Antipaxos, Oh!

311. Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth and Colin Rubenstein,

312. I applaud you.

313. Congratulations. With the help of your bloodthirsty minion,

314. you have eliminated almost

315. 70% of the most powerful vampires

316. in the Tri-State area.

317. What? He's here now?

318. - Right when I'm doing this piece? Tell him to go - Is he being sarcastic?

319. - It does sound a little bit... not sarcastic, - to my chambers and wait there.

320. - What's the other word that sort of means "sarcastic"? - Okay, where was I?

321. - Ah, yes. - Begins with "F."

322. Lest you think I'm being facetious,

323. - That's the word. - I can assure you

324. I am not.

325. "Vampire must never kill vampire."

326. Is that not the thing that we say all the time?

327. - We do. Uh... some of us do. - At dinner parties

328. - I do. - and at social gatherings, we come and say,

329. "Hey, how's it going, Jeffrey?

330. Vampire shall not kill vampire,"

331. just to remind ourselves of that big law that we made

332. many, many years ago.

333. But when a vampire kills, like,

334. 37, 38 vampires?

335. Well, these are vampires

336. who know how to get things done.

337. - Oh, isn't he great? - So this is why

338. I am pleased to announce that

339. you four are hereby appointed

340. - to be the leaders - What the fuck?

341. - of the Vampiric Council - Oh!

342. of the Eastern Seaboard of the New World.

343. Wow. That's sort of - Congratulations,

344. - a surprise even to me. - guys. Well done.

345. Very nice! - So, sit upon the throne with pride.

346. - You are in charge now.

347. We will be monitoring your progress.

348. And with that, I bid you adieu.

349. - Adieu to you. - Yeah, yeah. A dude.

350. - FML. - Hell yeah.

351. I love thrones— they're my favorite chair.

352. It is a great honor.

353. But, also, you know, quite a responsibility.

354. Well, I've been on the local

355. Vampiric Council for a few years now.

356. Mainly at an entry-level position.

357. I... Well, what can I say?

358. It's good to be the king.

359. Mel Brooks, Part I.

360. I didn't become a vampire

361. to end up a pen-pushing bureaucrat.

362. I became a vampire to suck blood and to fuck forever.

363. - But you must admit, this is quite an honor. - I couldn't give a fuck.

364. Push the stop button. It is the record button.

365. Should I turn it off? - Who is he talking to?

366. Just turn it off. - The red one.

367. I have done the bidding for countless

368. fearsome and legendary councils.

369. Lords and lady,

370. I have assisted every local

371. Vampiric Council since 1759.

372. The best of the best.

373. I now stand charged with assisting you.

374. - Nice. - All right.

375. And now we have these guys.

376. Which is...

377. whatever, you know, it's above my pay grade.

378. You know, it isn't just an honor.

379. It is also a nine-to-five.

380. You know, full-time working job. I'm a working woman.

381. This is now a documentary about Vampire Council leaders.

382. I will take you upon tomorrow's eve to Vampiric Council

383. headquarters so that you may assume the throne.

384. Once the leader of men.

385. Now a leader of vampires.

386. what to do about Guillermo?

387. - Do you have to chain me? - Uh, no.

388. Then why did you do it?

389. Well, seemed kind of fun.

390. All right, get in there.

391. Kneel before your masters, fool.

392. I will not kneel.

393. All right, then. Shit.

394. Who-who took the batteries out of my proddy?

395. - Just let him stand there, Colin Robinson. - We all agreed

396. - I could prod him one more time. - Yeah, yeah, well, you tried, and nothing happened.

397. We have a lot to get through this evening.

398. Guillermo...

399. de la... eh...

400. What is it again?

401. - Um, Greenberg? - De la Cruz.

402. - Oh. - We have come to a final

403. decision regarding your fate.

404. All those in favor of revealing this decision, say aye!

405. Aye!

406. It's unanimous.

407. In the case of Guillermo Greenberg

408. - de la Cruz - Not my name.

409. in the killing of many, many vampires,

410. we have come to a final decision regarding your fate.

411. We have decided...

412. - Drum roll. - Thank you.

413. not to kill you.

414. At least not right now

415. and not for this particular thing,

416. but my eyes are on you.

417. You were shitting yourself there for a second, weren't you?

418. - Little bit. - In fact, for our own protection,

419. we have decided

420. to make you a fully-fledged member of the team.

421. What?

422. You're gonna make me a vampire.

423. - Course we're fucking not, - What?

424. - you idiot. - Fucking kidding me.

425. No, we're gonna do something

426. much better than that.

427. Do you want to do another drum roll or...

428. - I don't think drum roll's... No. I...

429. - That is it. - We are gonna make you

430. a vampires'...

431. - bodyguard. - Ah!

432. - Hmm. Exciting.

433. Not... not really what "a fully-fledged

434. - member of the group" kind of person... Well, excuse me,

435. it's a big bloody step up from being a familiar,

436. and it's way better than being dead,

437. - so you gonna take it or leave it? - Take it.

438. - Okay. I'll take it. Okay, good.

439. All those in favor of accepting his acceptance, say aye!

440. Aye!

441. Okay. Great. Unanimous... Uh, tut, tut, tut...

442. Before you remove the chains,

443. there's just, uh, another thing that you will have to do

444. for it to be, you know, finalized.

445. This thing, it might, uh...

446. might be a little bit dangerous. For you.

447. Vampiric hypnosis

448. is a very powerful tool,

449. which, if improperly used

450. by the hypnotizer, can really mess up the mind

451. of the hypnotizee.

452. And the twice-as-powerful

453. double hypnosis can lead

454. to weak brain or, even worse,

455. the thoughtless Sallies.

456. And if things go very, very tits-up,

457. you end up with full-blown brain scramblies.

458. As we both know, my darling,

459. from experience, but take that up a notch.

460. to a three-way hypnosis,

461. well, then you might be

462. faced with the purple screaming Henries.

463. Or worse still...

464. half-man, half-madness.

465. But desperate times

466. call for desperate measures.

467. So, a four-way hypnosis?

468. Yes, and we've actually

469. never ever done one of those before, so...

470. Yeah, and the odds against you being normal afterwards

471. - are pretty fucking low. - Do you think I can have a minute to think about it?

472. The prisoner needs a moment to think about it.

473. It's okay. I thought about it.

474. He's thunk about it.

475. Okay. And I agree.

476. - Great. - Yeah, being alone in that cell

477. down there gives you a lot of time.

478. - Mm. - And you guys— you're like my family.

479. It's okay, you don't have to give us your life story.

480. - We get it. Should we, uh... Yeah.

481. Assume the position.

482. What position would that be?

483. I haven't got a fucking clue. What is it?

484. Uh, stand there, we'll come to you.

485. - Yes. - Good idea.

486. Quadruple hypnosis.

487. Guillermo...

488. Greenberg de la Cruz,

489. you will now find yourself

490. in a trance-like state.

491. Between you and I,

492. vampire hypnosis doesn't work on me anymore.

493. I mean, it used to, years ago,

494. when they first started doing it.

495. But I guess after a while, my body just...

496. got immune to it.

497. When you awaken, and for the rest of your natural life,

498. you will in no way harm Nandor...

499. And they used to use it on the stupidest things, too.

500. Things I would've done anyways.

501. Gizmo, stop doing that.

502. Could you do me a small favor?

503. Fetch me the book,

504. which is next to my father's ashes.

505. Do it a bit quicker because

506. you are interrupting my magazine reading.

507. Now go into the basement and fetch my witch's skin hat.

508. Don't you fucking dare.

509. So, yeah.

510. I just let them think they can hypnotize me.

511. Who's gonna know the difference?

512. - Wait, wait, wait. Also...

513. whenever Colin Robinson says your name,

514. you will meow like a kitty cat.

515. The...

516. End.

517. Colin Robinson, why did you have to add that bit?

518. It's for me, all right? For me!

519. Guillermo... awaken.

520. Is your brain fully operational?

521. - Yeah, I'm fine. - He's not fine.

522. He's got that slack jaw, half-wit look.

523. Guillermo, you will now

524. take Colin Robinson's peen and scrotum

525. and crush it in your hand.

526. - What? No. - Good idea.

527. Yeah.

528. He's gonna do it.

529. I'm afraid I can't, Master.

530. As much as I would love to,

531. something compels me not to.

532. - It worked! Yay! - It worked! - Yeah, wait, wait, wait! No, no.

533. Yes! - Hold on, hold on. Guillermo?

534. - Meow.

535. It worked.

536. This building. Eesh!

537. Still sends shivers through my bones.

538. Last time we were here we were sentenced

539. to death by the Vampiric Council.

540. Had we not escaped from this cack house...

541. - I saved them. - We saved them.

542. Had we not escaped from this fluorescent mausoleum,

543. we'd be fucking dead.

544. First... thank you.

545. Does anyone remember how the elevator works?

546. Nandor, just tell it to take us to the dungeon.

547. I think it's P3.

548. Oh. This is my favorite room.

549. This is lovely. Very nice.

550. And I'm sure you'll all remember

551. - the judgement chamber. No.

552. How could we forget?

553. Yes. I remember it well.

554. The last time we were in this very room,

555. we were sentenced to death and Wesley Snipes

556. - was right over there on a laptop. Right.

557. And now you're the ones who will be

558. sentencing other vampires to death.

559. - Yes! - Yes. Which

560. doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.

561. But, whatever, above my pay grade.

562. I am here to serve.

563. Good for you. That's great.

564. Well, it's much bigger and

565. - more impressive than I remember. - Yes.

566. Feel a little bit chilly willies, too.

567. - Oh. It is a little cold.

568. These are the wraiths. - Oh, great,

569. I'm fucking freezing.

570. - Oh! Do not fear them—

571. - they are here to serve us. - Thank you.

572. Thanks a lot.

573. Darling, it's almost as soft as you are.

574. Mm, very nice.

575. Are they gonna come back with another one? 'Cause...

576. Membership has its privileges.

577. Clearly.

578. Now, before we get down to business...

579. - Ooh, nice. Which one of you

580. will assume the Master's Throne?

581. Is there not a throne for all of us?

582. No!

583. I just... I assumed, you know, because there is more

584. than one of us, there will be more than one throne.

585. - This is it. Listen. Oh.

586. You're all on the Vampiric Council,

587. - All of us? - But those... All four of you.

588. But only one of you can be the supreme leader.

589. The one who rules over all vampires.

590. All vampires in the local New York area.

591. And also is the boss over all the other members

592. of the Council— only one.

593. So who will be the supreme leader

594. who rules over all others?

595. - Um... - Fuck no.

596. - I'll do it. - I think I'm probably the best one for it, probably I think...

597. They're idiots.

598. Haven't decided yet, Colin Robinson!

599. - You will not take it! - We've to make a decision together!

600. Go!

601. It's easy to be bad.

602. It's hard to be a warrior with dignity.

603. Mr. President, you have a moment to go over the witness list?

604. Sure.

605. The only one who didn't look familiar was Monica Lewinsky.

606. Does that name sound familiar?

607. Are there other survivors?

608. God, I hope so.

609. Do not more. Do not...

610. Wander? Yes. I know.

611. I'm about to put myself

612. in between you and whatever comes through that door.

613. Crazier things have happened.

614. I mean, half the world died.