1. House meeting.
Copy !req
2. House meeting, everyone.
Hello?
Copy !req
3. Ah, Nadja.
Uh, the house meeting
Copy !req
4. was supposed to start 15 minutes
ago. Where's Laszlo?
Copy !req
5. He is tending
to his fruit trees.
Copy !req
6. Okay, great. So maybe
you want to fetch him,
Copy !req
7. and we can begin
the house meeting.
Copy !req
8. No, I cannot go and "fetch" him.
That is a job for Guillermo.
Copy !req
9. - Guillermo is on a break
at the moment.
- Sorry, a what?
Copy !req
10. From now on,
Guillermo will receive
Copy !req
11. one day off per week.
Copy !req
12. Plus a 15-minute break
every four hours.
Copy !req
13. This is all my idea, of course,
Copy !req
14. - not Guillermo's idea.
- NADJA: Guillermo,
Copy !req
15. I give you permission to take
a break from your breaking.
Copy !req
16. Guillermo, you will do no such
thing. You will not break...
Copy !req
17. Starting to think my whole life
is a big pile
Copy !req
18. of bullshit.
(chuckles)
Copy !req
19. Sometimes this job seems like
Copy !req
20. a really childish career choice.
Copy !req
21. Like, what am I doing here?
Copy !req
22. I don't know.
Maybe it's time to grow up
Copy !req
23. and get a real job
with real people.
Copy !req
24. Maybe I could start a business?
Copy !req
25. I was using these Tide pens
the other day
Copy !req
26. to take off blood
off my clothes.
Copy !req
27. And I thought,
I don't have to do this. I...
Copy !req
28. I dumped all of this...
Copy !req
29. into this to make this.
Copy !req
30. Isn't that cool?
Copy !req
31. It's a Heavy Duty
Blood Remover.
Copy !req
32. Been watching a lot
of Shark Tank lately.
Copy !req
33. The sky will be the limit.
What do you say?
Copy !req
34. - Can we make a deal today?
- NANDOR:
I am not fetching anyone!
Copy !req
35. When I was a child,
I loved juicy red apples.
Copy !req
36. (sniffs) Now they just smell
like shit and decay.
Copy !req
37. So now what I basically do
is cut them off the tree
Copy !req
38. and throw them on the floor.
Copy !req
39. Laszlo.
Copy !req
40. Did you hear that?
Copy !req
41. Laszlo Cravensworth.
Copy !req
42. Who calls the Cravensworth?
Copy !req
43. You have a lot of nerve
disturbing me,
Copy !req
44. in my garden, pruning.
Copy !req
45. It would be best for everybody
if you show yourself now.
Copy !req
46. A goat.
Copy !req
47. Your shepherd will be wondering
where the hell you are.
Copy !req
48. Laszlo! House meeting time.
Copy !req
49. Yeah, I'll be there momentarily.
Copy !req
50. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- (bleats)
Copy !req
51. What kind
of goat sorcery is this?
Copy !req
52. The ceremony awaits you.
Copy !req
53. Help! Aah!
Copy !req
54. Laszlo, the house meeting!
Copy !req
55. - (bleating)
- Laszlo!
Copy !req
56. I can feel something
terrible has happened.
Copy !req
57. It's witches.
They have taken him!
Copy !req
58. - I can feel it on the inside
of my bones.
- Ah...
Copy !req
59. I'm not saying
that Nadja is hysterical, but
Copy !req
60. she blames everything
on witches.
Copy !req
61. (gasps)
Witches are near.
Copy !req
62. Like every little
Copy !req
63. fucking thing.
Copy !req
64. The witches
Copy !req
65. have been toying with our rugs
again. Please get some
Copy !req
66. witch-proof carpet tape
and tape that rug down.
Copy !req
67. Witches! Aah!
Copy !req
68. - (sighs)
- See? (sniffs)
Copy !req
69. Witch dust. Ugh!
Copy !req
70. - Or dirt.
- It's not... not witch dust.
Copy !req
71. Oh, it stinks.
Copy !req
72. Nobody breathe it in. It's how
they seize control of your mind.
Copy !req
73. (spits)
We're going to have
to burn the garden.
Copy !req
74. - We have to do something!
- I think perhaps the best place
Copy !req
75. to start is to look around here.
Copy !req
76. Let's do that.
Excuse me.
Copy !req
77. Guillermo,
you will join us, too.
Copy !req
78. Nah, that's not
in my job description.
Copy !req
79. - (gasps)
- NANDOR: Laszlo?
Did you fall down a hole again?
Copy !req
80. Nandor.
Copy !req
81. - Did somebody call my name?
- No, no, shit, Nandor, don't!
Copy !req
82. Hey, there's a goat over here.
Copy !req
83. - Hello, Mr. Goat.
- Nandor, it's... No, don't!
Copy !req
84. You're very handsome,
aren't you? Have we met before?
Copy !req
85. The ceremony awaits you.
Copy !req
86. - Hey. Wait. Hey! Whoa!
- (witch cackling)
Copy !req
87. Shit, shit, shit.
Copy !req
88. - Okay. I'll get the keys.
- Yes, you bloody will.
Copy !req
89. (chuckles)
I'll be damned. Witches.
Copy !req
90. Colin, hurry!
Copy !req
91. (groans)
Can you not make
this carriage move faster?
Copy !req
92. You're moving slower
than when my yaya tried
Copy !req
93. to ride a snail
to the next village.
Copy !req
94. If you wanted to go faster,
why didn't you fly?
Copy !req
95. Ooh, it's too dangerous.
Copy !req
96. Look how quickly
and disgustingly they move.
Copy !req
97. They're really hauling ass.
Copy !req
98. Oh, Gizmo, they're getting ready
to land. Ooh!
Copy !req
99. - Ooh.
- Oh.
Copy !req
100. Well, luckily,
that was just Nandor.
Copy !req
101. - Oh! They're moving
toward the right!
- Hey! Take the next exit!
Copy !req
102. - No!
- (tires screeching)
Copy !req
103. Let go of the wheel!
Your driving's gonna kill us!
Copy !req
104. Stop the machine, make it stop.
Copy !req
105. Yes. They are near.
Copy !req
106. The smell of beef and sulfur
is overwhelming.
Copy !req
107. - COLIN: That's just Brooklyn.
- Yes. It's over there.
Copy !req
108. Do you want me to go in
for a quick snoop and poop?
Copy !req
109. No. You cannot go.
They will sense you.
Copy !req
110. No, we need a mortal.
A human. A common schlub.
Copy !req
111. A nobody. Someone who's
personality is like a eunuch's.
Copy !req
112. - You know?
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
I'll go. All right? I'll go.
Copy !req
113. - Oh, really, Guillermo,
I would never have...
- Right, I'll do it.
Copy !req
114. - No. I'll go.
- Thank you, Guillermo.
- I just...
Copy !req
115. - GUILLERMO: Don't worry.
- (car door closes)
Copy !req
116. I have to do everything myself.
Copy !req
117. You guys stay back, okay?
Just stay back here.
Copy !req
118. Anything I can help you find?
Copy !req
119. No. No, I'm just...
Copy !req
120. taking a look at, um...
Copy !req
121. Is this...
is this the only room,
Copy !req
122. or is there another room
with other stuff, or...?
Copy !req
123. You're looking
for something specific?
Copy !req
124. Any allergies?
Copy !req
125. No. I mean, my nose is stuffy,
but I don't know
Copy !req
126. if it's because
of a food allergy
Copy !req
127. - or a seasonal allergy, or...
- Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
128. Oh, no, you don't have
to do that. No, thank you.
Copy !req
129. No. No. I'm not good at...
Copy !req
130. - Mmm...
- Oh, that feels good.
Copy !req
131. Oh, I think she's trying
to squeeze Gizmo's eyeballs out.
Copy !req
132. The consensus on Instagram
is that we underestimate
Copy !req
133. the importance of self-care.
Copy !req
134. - (goat bleating)
- Hang on.
Copy !req
135. Oh, shit.
Copy !req
136. - Oh!
- Fuck.
Copy !req
137. Do you have anything
for rosacea?
Copy !req
138. I think I have
a little flare-up on my chin.
Copy !req
139. Come with me.
Bring the cameras.
Copy !req
140. - There's no...
- This way.
Copy !req
141. Fire.
Copy !req
142. I say, ladies,
perhaps we could come
Copy !req
143. to some kind of arrangement?
Copy !req
144. I mean, you don't need
the two of us, surely. No?
Copy !req
145. Psst, guys.
Copy !req
146. A little help?
Copy !req
147. - Intruders! Intruders!
- NANDOR: Sorry, guys.
Copy !req
148. Fret not, my sisters.
Copy !req
149. Let 'em in.
Copy !req
150. Let the ceremony be documented
Copy !req
151. for the ages.
Copy !req
152. (quietly):
Idiot.
Copy !req
153. This is kind of exciting.
Copy !req
154. Little dark in here, huh?
Copy !req
155. You will remain here
with the others
Copy !req
156. until the ceremony is complete.
Copy !req
157. What cer...? Others, what?
Copy !req
158. Wait!
Copy !req
159. Guillermo, get the lights.
Copy !req
160. - GUILLERMO: I'm looking for it.
- NADJA: It's over there.
Copy !req
161. - GUILLERMO: Over where?
- NADJA: Now he's getting
breaks all the time,
Copy !req
162. so he doesn't want
to turn the lights on!
Copy !req
163. I'm looking...
Copy !req
164. - NADJA: This talking back!
- I'm looking for it!
Copy !req
165. Turn on the damn light!
Copy !req
166. - GUILLERMO: Fuck you guys.
- (Nadja gasps)
Copy !req
167. Aha!
Copy !req
168. Oh, what is this place?
Copy !req
169. Uh, some sort of
storage room, perhaps.
Copy !req
170. Not a storage room.
Copy !req
171. Places, everyone.
Copy !req
172. Everything is secure?
Copy !req
173. Yes.
Copy !req
174. Witches!
Copy !req
175. Hear me now and take note.
Copy !req
176. Release us,
and you will be shown mercy.
Copy !req
177. But... any further hesitation
will ensure
Copy !req
178. your complete
and utter destruction!
Copy !req
179. - That'll do.
- Well done, Nandor.
Copy !req
180. You've certainly
frightened them.
Copy !req
181. - (gasps softly)
- Now let us begin.
Copy !req
182. Start the music.
Copy !req
183. - ♪♪ Doin' your thang ♪♪
- No.
Copy !req
184. Wrong playlist.
Copy !req
185. That's for the hip-hop
kundalini class we offer
Copy !req
186. Tuesday, Thursday evenings.
Copy !req
187. - Sorry.
- It's all right, Tessa.
Copy !req
188. Start the music.
Copy !req
189. - (Nandor groans)
- LASZLO: What the hell
are those?
Copy !req
190. I don't know...
Copy !req
191. I think this is the end.
Copy !req
192. Don't breathe it in.
It's some kind of...
Copy !req
193. - Hey...
- LASZLO: Hello.
Copy !req
194. I must say, I-I'm not sure
Copy !req
195. I fully disapprove
of this abduction.
Copy !req
196. - NANDOR: Relaxing, really.
- Some might say erotic.
Copy !req
197. I don't know about y-you,
old chap, but
Copy !req
198. - I have a raging hard-on.
- Yes.
Copy !req
199. These witches are sly,
but so am I.
Copy !req
200. I think I have 'em figured out.
Copy !req
201. Door on the floor...
we ain't here no more.
Copy !req
202. - (howling wind)
- Aah! Help!
Copy !req
203. - (shouts)
- (pants)
Copy !req
204. That does that thing.
Copy !req
205. Oh, hello. We were wondering
Copy !req
206. - if, um...
- (cracking)
Copy !req
207. - (music playing backwards)
- (woman wheezing)
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208. Ma'am.
Copy !req
209. - This way.
- Ah.
Copy !req
210. - Later, suckers.
- And so when I saw that,
Copy !req
211. I knew it was the right door.
Copy !req
212. - Puta madre.
- How many door rooms
do they have?
Copy !req
213. It's the same one,
Professor Pig Dick!
Copy !req
214. I've done a lot of escape rooms,
Copy !req
215. but I'm usually the one in
the group that is asking about
Copy !req
216. where we're gonna go
for dinner afterwards
Copy !req
217. and how we'll split up the bill.
Copy !req
218. Don't open that, Nadja.
Copy !req
219. I hate this place!
Copy !req
220. Laszlo, my love,
I am coming for you. Be strong.
Copy !req
221. - I'm coming!
- Not now! Um...
Copy !req
222. I mean, um, uh,
in your own time, my darling.
Copy !req
223. - No immediate hurry.
- LILITH: 'Tis time
Copy !req
224. - to begin the extraction.
- The what, now?
Copy !req
225. - Removal of your semen.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
226. Well, I'm quite keen
on that idea, let that be known.
Copy !req
227. Now, the process
Copy !req
228. will be quick...
Copy !req
229. Well, that's slightly insulting
but probably true.
Copy !req
230. Though I can go again.
Copy !req
231. though, I'm afraid,
not entirely painless.
Copy !req
232. - Ah.
- LILITH: Tess? Quinn?
Copy !req
233. Ooh, look out. Marital aids?
Copy !req
234. No. 18th century surgical tools.
Copy !req
235. - Ew.
- LASZLO: Shit.
Copy !req
236. Fast as you can, my dear!
Like, now!
Copy !req
237. They are fully engorged.
Copy !req
238. - LASZLO: True.
- (gasps)
Copy !req
239. Let us revert to our true form.
Copy !req
240. MILFs.
Copy !req
241. - Even better.
- It's a contrast
Copy !req
242. but something
I wouldn't say no to.
Copy !req
243. I'll prepare the cauldron. Bring
me the fluid when the bowls
Copy !req
244. - are filled to the brim.
- What are you doing with those?
Copy !req
245. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hi.
Copy !req
246. I-I don't think that bowl's
going to be big enough.
Copy !req
247. - Nadja!
- Don't think it's going
to fit in there.
Copy !req
248. You really need to get here!
Copy !req
249. Ah. Looks like Epicurus,
Copy !req
250. the Greek philosopher
and father of hedonism.
Copy !req
251. Pleasure is the absence
of suffering.
Copy !req
252. The Greek word
for pleasure is...
Copy !req
253. Found it.
Copy !req
254. Ready?
Copy !req
255. Well, h-h-how'd you find that?
Copy !req
256. "Salida."
Copy !req
257. - "Exit."
- It's in Spanish. I know.
Copy !req
258. - I know that, too.
- I... I've discovered it.
Copy !req
259. - I would've thought of it.
- Guillermo.
Copy !req
260. I told you I'd get us
out of here.
Copy !req
261. - NANDOR:
It's for wine, isn't it?
- No, no, no, no, no.
Copy !req
262. - NANDOR: We just met.
- Where are you going with that?
Copy !req
263. Put those tiny swords down
this instant,
Copy !req
264. or you'll be removing them
from your crusty old tits
Copy !req
265. and dry, old asses.
Copy !req
266. Ooh, my darling,
am I pleased to see you.
Copy !req
267. How did you escape
from our secret room?
Copy !req
268. That would be me, ma'am.
Thank you.
Copy !req
269. I put together all your clues.
Copy !req
270. - Figured it out.
- Actually, it was me.
Copy !req
271. I'm the one who saw...
It's in Spanish.
Copy !req
272. Well, yo soy a bit
of a puzzle head.
Copy !req
273. You're a man
of great intelligence.
Copy !req
274. Yes, Mensa has been trying
to get me to join.
Copy !req
275. You've proven that you are also
worthy of semen extraction.
Copy !req
276. Oh, thank you. I'd like
to tell you you'd be the first
Copy !req
277. to ever say that to me,
but you're not.
Copy !req
278. - (laughs)
- Not with those, though.
Copy !req
279. Yeah, that's your guy
right there.
Copy !req
280. No hablo inglés.
Copy !req
281. Real nice job, Colin Robinson.
Copy !req
282. Well, I know we're all having
the laugh of our lives,
Copy !req
283. but sadly all parties
must come to an end.
Copy !req
284. Guillermo, untie them.
Copy !req
285. Can't you see
you're outnumbered?
Copy !req
286. What are you gonna do—
moisturize us to death?
Copy !req
287. - No.
- (laughs)
- LILITH: Enough.
Copy !req
288. Oh, Lilith, I should have known
this was you.
Copy !req
289. Your stinky old stank
was all over it.
Copy !req
290. Lilith is a witch I befriended
many, many years ago.
Copy !req
291. She used to run a shop that sold
Copy !req
292. all the newest mixtures
of makeups
Copy !req
293. and ladies' clothings
and shirtings
Copy !req
294. and suitings and shoesings.
Copy !req
295. It was all a front, of course.
Copy !req
296. It was a way to distribute
the very best of semens
Copy !req
297. to any witch who needed it.
Copy !req
298. Naturally, we hit it off
straightaway.
Copy !req
299. Very fast friends.
(chuckles softly)
Copy !req
300. That was,
until she did something so evil,
Copy !req
301. so despicable,
so unforgivable that we are now
Copy !req
302. sworn enemies
for the rest of time.
Copy !req
303. Five spits for an enemy, Lilith.
Copy !req
304. - You look so different
to how I remember you.
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
305. I appear to you now
as my natural, aged self.
Copy !req
306. With every passing moment,
Copy !req
307. our anti-aging spells
lose their potency.
Copy !req
308. Well, over my undead body
will your crispy hands
Copy !req
309. get anywhere near
my husband's sperms again.
Copy !req
310. - "Again"?
- Hmm?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
311. Thing is,
Copy !req
312. I had a bit of a knee trembler
with Lilith some time ago,
Copy !req
313. and Nadja found out
and put me on her shit list.
Copy !req
314. Okay...
Copy !req
315. She tricked me
with her witchcraft.
Copy !req
316. Oh, she tricked you, did she?
Come on, Laszlo!
Copy !req
317. - (blows)
- (gasps)
Copy !req
318. - LILITH: He does not lie.
- (hisses)
Copy !req
319. I didn't come to him
in the form you see me now.
Copy !req
320. I took a form that I knew
Copy !req
321. he could never resist.
Copy !req
322. - You.
- (gasps)
Copy !req
323. In bed, she made herself
look just like you.
Copy !req
324. It's true.
Watch me now. Watch me.
Copy !req
325. Watch as I transform
Copy !req
326. to look exactly
Copy !req
327. like... you!
Copy !req
328. Voilà.
Copy !req
329. Is that what you think
I look like?
Copy !req
330. From here,
I-I can't tell the difference.
Copy !req
331. You both look exactly the same.
Copy !req
332. It's a completely
different woman.
Copy !req
333. Sorry, you'll have
to raise your hand.
Copy !req
334. Otherwise, I don't know
who's talking.
Copy !req
335. - Speak for me.
- (with accent): Speak for me.
Copy !req
336. - She... (stammers)
- The same.
Copy !req
337. She's just doing
a generic European accent!
Copy !req
338. "Generic European accent."
Copy !req
339. - Pretty close, my love.
- NADJA: Colin Robinson?
Copy !req
340. - Um...
- Nandor?
Copy !req
341. Uh...
Copy !req
342. Look at us standing
together now. It's-it's me,
Copy !req
343. and it's another woman.
Copy !req
344. How many more women
have you slept with
Copy !req
345. that just have long dark hair?
Copy !req
346. She's got long dark hair.
Have you slept with her?
Copy !req
347. Hello, Judith.
Copy !req
348. Nandor's got long dark hair
and an accent.
Copy !req
349. Have you slept with him?
Copy !req
350. I can't believe...
Copy !req
351. lcome to his semens.
Copy !req
352. - I'm going home.
- Silence!
Copy !req
353. No one is going anywhere now.
Copy !req
354. With the combined semen
Copy !req
355. of these two vampires...
Copy !req
356. What's your name?
Copy !req
357. C-Colin Robinson, Miss.
Copy !req
358. With Colin Robinson's
Copy !req
359. semen, too,
Copy !req
360. we can maintain
our youthful appearances
Copy !req
361. for an even
Copy !req
362. longer amount of time
than before.
Copy !req
363. - Ah.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Copy !req
364. - Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.
Copy !req
365. Also, we use it to make magnets.
Copy !req
366. Witches.
May I ask you a quick question?
Copy !req
367. What would you say if I told you
that I could provide you
Copy !req
368. with all the vampire semen
and more
Copy !req
369. that your little black hearts
desire?
Copy !req
370. Hmm, go on.
Copy !req
371. Sure, you can leave today
with a one-time extraction
Copy !req
372. - from these two well-endowed...
- Three.
Copy !req
373. - Hmm?
- Three well-endowed...
Copy !req
374. - Okay.
- Go on.
Copy !req
375. These three gentlemen.
Copy !req
376. But what happens
when that semen is gone?
Copy !req
377. You're out on the prowl
hunting for more.
Copy !req
378. Yeah, it's true.
Copy !req
379. The search for prospective
donors is a constant headache.
Copy !req
380. Also,
Copy !req
381. last time things...
Copy !req
382. totally went off the rails.
Copy !req
383. - (groans)
- GUILLERMO: Exactly.
Copy !req
384. So what would you say
if I could provide you
Copy !req
385. an unlimited supply
of semen? Yeah.
Copy !req
386. I basically offered them a deal
where, if I could get
Copy !req
387. Nandor and Laszlo's...
Copy !req
388. seed, willingly,
Copy !req
389. then in return,
I would get three percent
Copy !req
390. of the net profit.
Copy !req
391. I call this Memo's Man Milk.
Copy !req
392. Love it.
Copy !req
393. Memo's short for Guillermo.
Copy !req
394. No more kidnappings or surgical
Copy !req
395. extractions,
and it's not like there's
Copy !req
396. not enough to go around.
That stuff is everywhere.
Copy !req
397. I also included Colin Robinson
in the deal,
Copy !req
398. which they replied
and said "No."
Copy !req
399. Yeah, I've always been good
at puzzles.
Copy !req
400. At the 1992
World Puzzle Championship,
Copy !req
401. I told New York Times
puzzle master Will Shortz
Copy !req
402. to "eat my shorts."
Copy !req
403. - (Nadja gasps)
- What the hell?
Copy !req
404. Who the hell has done all this?
Copy !req
405. What the...?
Copy !req
406. - My pillows.
- (thudding)
Copy !req
407. What is that sound?
Copy !req
408. I think it's coming
from down the hall.
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409. - Oh.
- It's the bloody goat.
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410. - (gasping)
- COLIN:
Wait. Does he live here now?
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411. - Oh, no!
- Did you do this?
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412. Get out of here!
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413. - Oh, no!
- LASZLO: Begone!
- NANDOR: Shoo! Naughty goat.
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414. I know where you live, asshole.
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415. - What are you up to?
- Oh, nothing much.
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416. - You?
- Relegated to the coffin
in the basement.
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417. Ah. Tough break.
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418. - You still, uh...
- Terribly.
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419. - You?
- Full blazes.
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420. Look, I was thinking that...
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421. That we should finish each other
off and tell no one?
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422. Well, I'm game if you are.
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423. I saved the day
when no one else could.
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424. - Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey there.
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425. But I will always be
"just a familiar" to them.
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426. I'm just another schlub
driving around Brooklyn
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427. with a bunch of jars full
of semen.
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428. - Another delivery?
- (sighs) Yeah. How about you?
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429. - Guard duty.
- Cool, cool.
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430. It isn't easy for guys like us.
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431. Well, technically,
you're not a guy, so...
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432. I mean, just hanging around for
years doing all the shit work.
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433. Sometimes I wonder
if they'll ever make me a witch.
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434. Yeah.
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435. Anyways, I got to go,
Black Peter, okay?
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436. - I'll see you later.
- Later.
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