1. Colin, can I get you a lozenge
or something?Copy !req
2. No, thank you.Copy !req
3. Colin, Laura would like a word
with you in her office.Copy !req
4. Laura?Copy !req
5. I think what's happened is,Copy !req
6. they finally figured out thatCopy !req
7. I don't even know
what the hell this company does.Copy !req
8. - Just watch,Copy !req
9. I'm gonna be
as cool as a cucumber.Copy !req
10. Hello, Laura.Copy !req
11. I have been assessing
your work...Copy !req
12. No. No.Copy !req
13. You cannot do that.Copy !req
14. It turned out to be
the exact oppositeCopy !req
15. of what I was thinking.Copy !req
16. They actually decided
to give me a damn promotion.Copy !req
17. This is not good.Copy !req
18. It's mainly about my friends,Copy !req
19. uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja.Copy !req
20. I don't want to do anything that
takes away from my roomie time.Copy !req
21. It's like the old adage,
you know?Copy !req
22. Coworkers die.Copy !req
23. Vampire roommates,Copy !req
24. they're forever.Copy !req
25. So, we have decided
to rotate our artworks.Copy !req
26. This was part of a bigger thing
called the Guernica.Copy !req
27. I just cut off the bit
that has got me in it.Copy !req
28. But even the ones I did like,Copy !req
29. I've been looking at them
for 200 years,Copy !req
30. so I hate them now.Copy !req
31. Pablo Picasso.
More like Pablo Pic-asshole.Copy !req
32. Ah! That's my first ship.Copy !req
33. It was a piece of shit.Copy !req
34. Recognize this?Copy !req
35. It's my vulva.Copy !req
36. - It certainly is.Copy !req
37. Nandor!
Who said you could look?Copy !req
38. Well, stop pointing it
at me, then.Copy !req
39. Laszlo, remember this one?Copy !req
40. It's the portrait
in which you claimedCopy !req
41. to have invented
the portrait bomb.Copy !req
42. I did invent the portrait bomb.Copy !req
43. Here I am,
behind the dead chap,Copy !req
44. two fingers in the air,Copy !req
45. doing the rabbit.Copy !req
46. I had to sit there
for about seven hours.Copy !req
47. And they still do it now.
Why? Because it's hilarious.Copy !req
48. - NADJA: No, I hate it...
- My roomies.Copy !req
49. I like it.Copy !req
50. We're not putting the goat up!Copy !req
51. - I hate it!
- COLIN: Hey, hey. What's up?Copy !req
52. - Dilly dilly.
- LASZLO: Oh.Copy !req
53. Colin Robinson,
this does not concern you.Copy !req
54. So please retreat
to your underground bedroom.Copy !req
55. - Thank you.
- Oh, you guys are rearranging
the paintings, huh?Copy !req
56. Well, I'm pretty good
with squaresCopy !req
57. and finding the ideal spots
on walls,Copy !req
58. so if you need my help...Copy !req
59. No, we don't need your help,
Colin Robinson.Copy !req
60. Mm, okay.Copy !req
61. Uh, speaking of news,Copy !req
62. I got a big promotion today
at work.Copy !req
63. But, uh, I'm not sure
if I'm gonna take it.Copy !req
64. It would definitely cut
into our roomie time...Copy !req
65. Colin Robinson, however you
are trying to drain us,Copy !req
66. just stop it!Copy !req
67. Yes, Colin,
please leave us to our sorting.Copy !req
68. And you can take
your self-portrait with you.Copy !req
69. But... it's of all of us.Copy !req
70. I made it on the Texas
Instrument Paint Pro.Copy !req
71. One of the hard thingsCopy !req
72. about being an energy vampire
is that,Copy !req
73. even when you're being sincereCopy !req
74. and maybe looking
for some reassuranceCopy !req
75. or-or support,Copy !req
76. people think you're trying
to drain their life force.Copy !req
77. I wish people would understand
that I don't live to drain.Copy !req
78. I-I drain to live.Copy !req
79. It is draining for them, though.Copy !req
80. Well, I'm the boss.Copy !req
81. I have an assistant.Copy !req
82. Joanna.Copy !req
83. Hello, Joanna.Copy !req
84. Hi, Mr. Robinson.Copy !req
85. Colin Robinson.Copy !req
86. Can you make me a copy, please?Copy !req
87. Sure. Um, of what, sir?Copy !req
88. Um...Copy !req
89. Uh, that.Copy !req
90. I'm watching you.Copy !req
91. Do more work.Copy !req
92. I have to admit,
I'm quite nervousCopy !req
93. about being the boss.Copy !req
94. That said, I finally figured out
what the company does.Copy !req
95. It's playground design
and marketing.Copy !req
96. Or land mine design
and manufacturing.Copy !req
97. It's... one of those.Copy !req
98. I have to give
my first presentation.Copy !req
99. Human. Human, human.Copy !req
100. Hello!Copy !req
101. Even though
there's been a slight uptick,Copy !req
102. we have maintainedCopy !req
103. - a plat...Copy !req
104. Okay. Well, uh,Copy !req
105. I guess the projector decided
to take a bit of a coffee break.Copy !req
106. Ah! Ah! We're back!Copy !req
107. I'm ready for my close-up.Copy !req
108. All right!Copy !req
109. Did you see that?Copy !req
110. They were listening to me,
because I'm the boss.Copy !req
111. They had to listen.Copy !req
112. This whole boss thingCopy !req
113. might work out.Copy !req
114. But the main thing
is that we all give 100%,Copy !req
115. except when it comes
to donating blood.Copy !req
116. - It's entirely possibleCopy !req
117. that what rappers are saying
is true.Copy !req
118. I mean, being boss is dope.Copy !req
119. So, this is
all just kind of a precursorCopy !req
120. to the larger slideshow
that I'm about to start.Copy !req
121. I feel like I have the power
of a thousand cowboysCopy !req
122. running through my veins
right now.Copy !req
123. - Hey, Eric, uh...Copy !req
124. Don't sit on that.Copy !req
125. Dominic and Dan were sitting
on it already and broke it.Copy !req
126. I was worried being
the boss would take me awayCopy !req
127. from my roomies too much, but
they treat me as an inferior.Copy !req
128. - At work, I'm a superior.Copy !req
129. Hi, Dan. Turn to your left.Copy !req
130. Drain on demand.Copy !req
131. Dan, I've called you in
for an impromptuCopy !req
132. - performance review.
- Wh-Why?Copy !req
133. If you were a tree,
what type of tree would you be?Copy !req
134. Uh, I don't know. A maple.Copy !req
135. Okay, that's interesting.Copy !req
136. I want you to go back
to your cubicle and type upCopy !req
137. a 2,000-word essay on why
you chose to become a maple.Copy !req
138. Arnie, stop talking to Joanna.Copy !req
139. She's myassistant.Copy !req
140. Tyler, hey.
Colin Robinson, your boss.Copy !req
141. Get in here.Copy !req
142. That's right, Guillermo.
Careful with my nudie.Copy !req
143. - LASZLO: Whoa!
- What are you doing
with your hand?Copy !req
144. - How dare you?
- Whoa.Copy !req
145. Get your hand off my wife's
ample but firm backside.Copy !req
146. Thank you, darling.Copy !req
147. Right, but are you
at the office, or...?Copy !req
148. How far away
from the office are you?Copy !req
149. - I know you're not
at the office.
- Hello, Colin Robinson.Copy !req
150. How was your first day
being the big boss?Copy !req
151. Like you give a shit.Copy !req
152. How far from the office are you?Copy !req
153. What is going on
with Colin Robinson?Copy !req
154. He has never missed
an opportunityCopy !req
155. to tell us
how boring his day was.Copy !req
156. He's a wild card, that one.Copy !req
157. What are you talking about?
He's not a wild card.Copy !req
158. He's the card you get
on the top of the deckCopy !req
159. that has the instructions on it,
so you throw it away.Copy !req
160. - Uh, can you get to the office?
- Colin Robinson,Copy !req
161. would you like to help pick
a painting to put up?Copy !req
162. There's still a bit of space.Copy !req
163. Hold. Uh, no.Copy !req
164. I have calls to roll?Copy !req
165. But I've always been partial
to this one.Copy !req
166. - NADJA: What?
- LASZLO: Whoa.Copy !req
167. - NANDOR: How's he doing that?
- Can you get to the office?Copy !req
168. What a beautiful landscape.Copy !req
169. Why have I never seen
this painting before?Copy !req
170. Who knows? It doesn't go
with this room, anyway.Copy !req
171. We should get rid of it.Copy !req
172. Donate it to an orphanage
or something, Guillermo.Copy !req
173. It looks just like the village
I grew up in, and it's on fire.Copy !req
174. - It...
- Let me have a closer look.Copy !req
175. I've heard of this invasion
in stories.Copy !req
176. Centuries before I was born,Copy !req
177. it is said that my villageCopy !req
178. was a very special place.Copy !req
179. They say
that the water was like honey.Copy !req
180. Even the urine—
it was like rose waterCopy !req
181. that you could drink,
and when you'd drink it,Copy !req
182. it'd make you want to dance.Copy !req
183. Very special place.
And then it wasCopy !req
184. destroyed by a terrible army.Copy !req
185. They spared
only the softest brainsCopy !req
186. and the stupidest bodies in the
village, and their offspringCopy !req
187. were all wrong.Copy !req
188. We will never forget
that battle.Copy !req
189. It was very windy that day,
and the leader of the army—Copy !req
190. he was on a high cliff face,Copy !req
191. and he went,
"You will never forget my name.Copy !req
192. - It is..."Copy !req
193. We didn't get the name,Copy !req
194. but I know now.Copy !req
195. It is Nandor the Relentless,
my pig shit housemate!Copy !req
196. All this time,
and you never said anything.Copy !req
197. Lives were ruined!
All the men in my villageCopy !req
198. are three-foot-two
because of the malnourishment!Copy !req
199. When he goes there,
he's a bloody giant! So muchCopy !req
200. destruction and misery at my own
vampire housemate's hands!Copy !req
201. You coward!Copy !req
202. We don't know that
that is your exact village.Copy !req
203. That is my village flag on fire
in the painting!Copy !req
204. Well...Copy !req
205. the pillaging could've been done
by anyone.Copy !req
206. We cannot go jumping to
conclusions that I am to blame.Copy !req
207. He is right, my darling. We've
got no evidence that it was him.Copy !req
208. Then what the fuck is Persian
Frank Zappa doing on a horse?Copy !req
209. Yeah, that's him.Copy !req
210. There were so many villages.Copy !req
211. - So many pillages. I didn't...Copy !req
212. What's that?
Guillermo, stop her!Copy !req
213. It begins.Copy !req
214. Nandor, I will kill you!Copy !req
215. I will absolutely kill you!Copy !req
216. I will rip out
every hair of your body!Copy !req
217. I swear I am going
to rip that man into shredsCopy !req
218. and make a dress out of it.Copy !req
219. - Laszlo, let me go!
- No, my darling.Copy !req
220. - You need to calm down.
You're feeling murderous.Copy !req
221. And go to his family's house
and say, "Do you like this?Copy !req
222. This is your son,
and I'm wearing him as a dress!"Copy !req
223. - Laszlo, let me go!
- Guillermo, human shield.Copy !req
224. - You must calm down.
- Thought we talked about this.Copy !req
225. You are supposed to support me
when I want to kill someone!Copy !req
226. - Not in this instance,
my darling.
- Yeah, thank you.Copy !req
227. Let go, Laszlo!Copy !req
228. - Hello? Is anybody there?
- Hi, yeah. It-It's Beth.Copy !req
229. - And Sarah.
- We're calling from the...Copy !req
230. Colin Robinson here,
Staten Island branch.Copy !req
231. - BETH: Hello?
- Did someone just join?Copy !req
232. I-I heard a beep.
Did we all hear the beep?Copy !req
233. Yeah, this is Phil and Paul
at the Hoboken branch. We're...Copy !req
234. We all heard the beep on our end
if anyone's there.Copy !req
235. - PHIL: Yeah, we're here, Colin.
- BETH: Yup, we're here.Copy !req
236. Oh, great, you guys, you're on.
Okay.Copy !req
237. Okay, let me just dive
right in. For the...Copy !req
238. Staten Island branch.
Can you hear me?Copy !req
239. - PHIL: We're here, Colin.
- Okay, great. Go ahead.Copy !req
240. Uh, yeah, for theCopy !req
241. Sigourney/Otis project,
we got...Copy !req
242. How was everyone's weekends?Copy !req
243. It's like the more I feed,
the more I need.Copy !req
244. I've never felt
so alive in my life.Copy !req
245. I'm changing.Copy !req
246. I'm becoming something new,
something stronger.Copy !req
247. I don't even need to talk
someone's ear off anymoreCopy !req
248. to drain them.Copy !req
249. I can drain them
with a single phrase.Copy !req
250. TGIF.Copy !req
251. It's 5:00 somewhere.Copy !req
252. Dan...Copy !req
253. Working hard or hardly working?Copy !req
254. What's up...?Copy !req
255. And I grow more powerful
by the second.Copy !req
256. So, what I'm hearing Nandor say
is that he's sorry.Copy !req
257. Right, Master?Copy !req
258. Well... mm.Copy !req
259. How can you not apologize?Copy !req
260. The tears of my childhoodCopy !req
261. watered the garden of your own
pompous, selfish legend...Copy !req
262. Nadja's very angry at me
for destroying her village.Copy !req
263. But it's, like,Copy !req
264. calm down, Nadja.Copy !req
265. We did those things
200 years before you were born.Copy !req
266. I barely remember what
happened, it was so long ago.Copy !req
267. Also, I was very drunk.Copy !req
268. It was just 200 guys
having some fun.Copy !req
269. Okay. You're right.Copy !req
270. - I'm sorry for doing my job.
- NADJA: Oh, coward!Copy !req
271. The issue here is that I'm an
invader, and I was invading.Copy !req
272. Say something to him!Copy !req
273. It's-it's him.
It's Colin Robinson.Copy !req
274. He's making you turn
on each other,Copy !req
275. and he's feeding off of it.Copy !req
276. I think Gizmo might be
onto something.Copy !req
277. His hair's grown,
and he's draining us.Copy !req
278. He's not only draining us.
This is a mega-drain.Copy !req
279. Although I still have
the best hair in the world.Copy !req
280. How can you say
you have the best hair?Copy !req
281. Look at my hair.Copy !req
282. I forgot something in my room.Copy !req
283. Your hair looks like a dog.Copy !req
284. - NADJA: You have no layers...
- Oh, and, yeah, I can fly now.Copy !req
285. I don't see any layers.Copy !req
286. It's all layered, you prick.Copy !req
287. Colin RobinsonCopy !req
288. has grown too powerful.Copy !req
289. We no longer have enough energy
to feed.Copy !req
290. Where's Laszlo?Copy !req
291. Laszlo's behind you.Copy !req
292. He's in death mode
so as to preserve energy.Copy !req
293. Oh.Copy !req
294. I hate to say this,
but it's an emergency,Copy !req
295. so I'm going to say it.
Let's eat Guillermo.Copy !req
296. Nadja is right.Copy !req
297. It's the only way. Guillermo?Copy !req
298. Guillermo, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.Copy !req
299. No, you have to get up and
do it, 'cause I can't get up.Copy !req
300. Nadja, this is all your fault.Copy !req
301. You were the one
that invited Colin RobinsonCopy !req
302. to come and live with us.Copy !req
303. This is not my fault.
Laszlo invited him.Copy !req
304. Not true.
He came with the house.Copy !req
305. Look at us. We are pathetic.Copy !req
306. Stop filming us like this!Copy !req
307. C-Camera Two, come over here
and put your neck in my mouth.Copy !req
308. Colin Robinson has recentlyCopy !req
309. gained a huge,
horrifying amount of power.Copy !req
310. He just has to walk into
the house, and we have no hope.Copy !req
311. But we have a plan:
distract Colin RobinsonCopy !req
312. and destroy
his office overlordsCopy !req
313. who granted him this power.Copy !req
314. I need to get him
making some lists,Copy !req
315. and then we can escape.Copy !req
316. He loves lists.Copy !req
317. Hello, Colin Robinson.Copy !req
318. - Ugh.
- What do you want? I'm busy.Copy !req
319. Um, where have you been? We've
missed you around the house.Copy !req
320. Yeah, right. Like you care.Copy !req
321. The only people that care are my
real friends, my work friends.Copy !req
322. And they listen
because they have to.Copy !req
323. Well, I would love to know
about your work friends.Copy !req
324. What are all their names?Copy !req
325. Well, there's Dan
and then Arnie.Copy !req
326. And then there's Jamie,
who doesn'tCopy !req
327. actually work at the office.
Come back. I'm not done.Copy !req
328. And then we have Diabetic Dave.Copy !req
329. Ellie, who I call Phoebe
because it annoys her.Copy !req
330. - And then, of course,
you have Ben.Copy !req
331. Another Ben,
and I call him Balsamic Ben,Copy !req
332. because he's a fan
of Martin Balsam, the actor,Copy !req
333. not because he likes
balsamic vinegar.Copy !req
334. And... that bring us, then,Copy !req
335. - to HR...Copy !req
336. What is the plan again?Copy !req
337. Run away.Copy !req
338. Why don't we... walk away?Copy !req
339. I listened to him
for as long as I could,Copy !req
340. but his power
is stronger than...Copy !req
341. - What? What is it?
- NANDOR: Ew.Copy !req
342. Nothing, my sweet darling.Copy !req
343. - Your faces.
- Why don't you comeCopy !req
344. and sit next to me,Copy !req
345. and we can expire together.Copy !req
346. Come and join me here.
That's better.Copy !req
347. Fuck it.Copy !req
348. Well, since we're about to die,Copy !req
349. I guess
I should confess something.Copy !req
350. - Remember when all
those vampires were being mur...
- NANDOR: Guillermo,Copy !req
351. please save your confession
till once I am dead.Copy !req
352. Yes, Master.Copy !req
353. Hey, gang.Copy !req
354. - LASZLO: He can drink
with just his mind?Copy !req
355. Colin Robinson,
why are you doing this to us?Copy !req
356. We are your only friends
in the world.Copy !req
357. Why subject us to this hell?Copy !req
358. Friends?
Do friends ignore their friendsCopy !req
359. when their friend tells them
about a big promotion thatCopy !req
360. they got at work, which they
were considering turning downCopy !req
361. just so they could hang out more
with their friends?Copy !req
362. Do friends accuse their friend
of draining themCopy !req
363. when all their friend
wanted to do was hang out...Copy !req
364. Guillermo, walk away.
Save yourself.Copy !req
365. - Hey, hey, Guillermo.
- No.Copy !req
366. - What's up, Guillermo?
- No.Copy !req
367. - LASZLO: What's this shit?
- NADJA: Oh, no.Copy !req
368. They're multipl...Copy !req
369. - COLIN: Clearly,Copy !req
370. I no longer need
friends like you anymore.Copy !req
371. All I need is myself.Copy !req
372. I'm my own best friend now.Copy !req
373. The Colinator.Copy !req
374. The C-Man.Copy !req
375. Have mercy on us,
Colin Robinsons.Copy !req
376. Mercy? That's rich.Copy !req
377. Did you show me...
H-Hold on.Copy !req
378. Actually, when you say "C-Man,"Copy !req
379. it sounds kind of like "semen."Copy !req
380. - It's short for Colin.
- I'll handle this.Copy !req
381. Does it even matter?Copy !req
382. I mean, it's cool.Copy !req
383. - C-Man.
- Yeah, it matters, and, no,Copy !req
384. - it's not cool.
- Okay, but why does it matter?Copy !req
385. Maybe we needCopy !req
386. to have a sidebar meeting?Copy !req
387. I-I'll check my schedule, but...Copy !req
388. - C-Man's schedule is wide open.
- Don't say "C-Man."Copy !req
389. Uh, what would even be
on the agenda?Copy !req
390. - Our names.
- But actuallyCopy !req
391. I think the term
you're looking forCopy !req
392. - is "nicknames."
- The Colins seem to be draining
each other's energy.Copy !req
393. - No, "moniker."
- Actually, I prefer "handle."Copy !req
394. - "Sobriquet"?
- A-As in the French?Copy !req
395. - Meaning...Copy !req
396. "Nicknames."Copy !req
397. Oh, no.Copy !req
398. They bored themselves to death.Copy !req
399. - NANDOR: Mm, how sad.
- LASZLO: So be it.Copy !req
400. Colin Robinson
multiplied himself by threeCopy !req
401. and then bored himself to death.Copy !req
402. It's very sad.Copy !req
403. We have a number of Colins
we have to buryCopy !req
404. into the ground now.Copy !req
405. It's okay, I've got your hand.Copy !req
406. It's nice down there.Copy !req
407. Very respectfully, Guillermo.Copy !req
408. We have traveled here
tonight from our houseCopy !req
409. to our garden
to lay to rest Colin Robinson,Copy !req
410. Colin Robinson, and... C-ManCopy !req
411. next to this,
his favorite bit of the fence.Copy !req
412. Loved this fence.Copy !req
413. We saw him here
a couple of times.Copy !req
414. Colin Robinson,
when you talked to meCopy !req
415. about 19th century
naval battles,Copy !req
416. I was genuinely interested.Copy !req
417. I didn't let you know that,Copy !req
418. 'cause then you'd have stopped.Copy !req
419. Maybe I didn't want you to stop.Copy !req
420. Colin Robinson died
attempting to achieve powerCopy !req
421. and total domination
of his place of work.Copy !req
422. Thank you, Nandor,
that is beautiful.Copy !req
423. Sometimes after me and Laszlo
would have a lovers' quarrel,Copy !req
424. Colin would stand hovering
at the door,Copy !req
425. and I would say, "Shut up,"Copy !req
426. and then he would actually often
be a very good mute listener.Copy !req
427. We wanted to bury this
with you, Colin Robinson,Copy !req
428. 'cause you loved it
and we hated it.Copy !req
429. Bury him with something he likedCopy !req
430. and get rid
of something we don't.Copy !req
431. - NANDOR: Nicely done.
- Ha!Copy !req
432. - NANDOR: Fucking guy!Copy !req
433. I tricked you. I'm alive.Copy !req
434. I just wanted to hear my eulogy.Copy !req
435. I knew you guys
actually liked me.Copy !req
436. I admit it's a bit of a long way
to go, but it worked,Copy !req
437. - so I'll take it.
- NADJA: What about...Copy !req
438. the other two?Copy !req
439. Come on, guys.Copy !req
440. Come on.Copy !req
441. Oh, I guess they're...
they're dead.Copy !req
442. - Very good.
- I think it's time we celebrate.Copy !req
443. - Guillermo.
- These are
the enjoyable moments.Copy !req
444. Get digging.Copy !req
445. I'm making sure they're dead.Copy !req
446. Hello.Copy !req
447. Hi. Colin Robinson.Copy !req
448. New guy.Copy !req
449. The last placeCopy !req
450. I worked at is now
in financial ruin.Copy !req
451. People were so drained
that nothing was getting done.Copy !req
452. Which is why I'm here,
to find a new place to work.Copy !req
453. New guy alert.
New guy alert.Copy !req
454. Quite the drip going on
over here.Copy !req
455. The "swamp people,"
I'll call you.Copy !req
456. I haven'tCopy !req
457. officially been hired.Copy !req
458. Just trying to locate
my cubicle.Copy !req
459. I can't find it anywhere.Copy !req
460. Guess we're gonna be cellmates.Copy !req
461. Hopefully it won't be
too much like prison.Copy !req
462. Hey, are you a fan
of conservative AM radio?Copy !req
463. I'll find a cubicle that's emptyCopy !req
464. and imbed myselfCopy !req
465. for the next couple years.Copy !req
466. Like a parasitic wasp
amongst allCopy !req
467. the congenital moron
worker bees.Copy !req
468. My husband Laszlo has
dedicated his artistic skillsCopy !req
469. to touch up the painting
and make it in a wayCopy !req
470. that will make us both happy.Copy !req
471. - You fixed the clock tower!
- Yes.Copy !req
472. And there you are, my darling,
on a hay bale.Copy !req
473. - With my boobs out.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
474. - What have you done here?
- I painted you out,Copy !req
475. - put me in.Copy !req
476. And there I am,
galloping towards my wife,Copy !req
477. who I will make love to.Copy !req
478. And where am I?Copy !req
479. You're in there.
Bad luck, old chap.Copy !req
480. - Pretty rude.
- Well, it was pretty rude of youCopy !req
481. to burn down
my family's village.Copy !req
482. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.orgCopy !req