What We Do in the Shadows 2x5

1. - (phone ringing) - (soft chatter)

2. Colin, can I get you a lozenge or something?

3. No, thank you.

4. Colin, Laura would like a word with you in her office.

5. Laura?

6. I think what's happened is,

7. they finally figured out that

8. I don't even know what the hell this company does.

9. - (clears throat) - Just watch,

10. I'm gonna be as cool as a cucumber.

11. Hello, Laura.

12. I have been assessing your work...

13. (muffled): No. No.

14. You cannot do that.

15. It turned out to be the exact opposite

16. of what I was thinking.

17. They actually decided to give me a damn promotion.

18. This is not good.

19. It's mainly about my friends,

20. uh, Nandor, Laszlo, and Nadja.

21. I don't want to do anything that takes away from my roomie time.

22. It's like the old adage, you know?

23. Coworkers die.

24. Vampire roommates,

25. they're forever.

26. So, we have decided to rotate our artworks.

27. This was part of a bigger thing called the Guernica.

28. I just cut off the bit that has got me in it.

29. But even the ones I did like,

30. I've been looking at them for 200 years,

31. so I hate them now.

32. Pablo Picasso. More like Pablo Pic-asshole.

33. Ah! That's my first ship.

34. It was a piece of shit.

35. Recognize this?

36. It's my vulva.

37. - It certainly is. - (Nadja chuckles)

38. Nandor! Who said you could look?

39. Well, stop pointing it at me, then.

40. Laszlo, remember this one?

41. It's the portrait in which you claimed

42. to have invented the portrait bomb.

43. I did invent the portrait bomb.

44. Here I am, behind the dead chap,

45. two fingers in the air,

46. doing the rabbit.

47. I had to sit there for about seven hours.

48. And they still do it now. Why? Because it's hilarious.

49. - NADJA: No, I hate it... - My roomies.

50. I like it.

51. We're not putting the goat up!

52. - I hate it! - COLIN: Hey, hey. What's up?

53. - Dilly dilly. - LASZLO: Oh.

54. Colin Robinson, this does not concern you.

55. So please retreat to your underground bedroom.

56. - Thank you. - Oh, you guys are rearranging the paintings, huh?

57. Well, I'm pretty good with squares

58. and finding the ideal spots on walls,

59. so if you need my help...

60. No, we don't need your help, Colin Robinson.

61. Mm, okay.

62. Uh, speaking of news,

63. I got a big promotion today at work.

64. But, uh, I'm not sure if I'm gonna take it.

65. It would definitely cut into our roomie time...

66. Colin Robinson, however you are trying to drain us,

67. just stop it!

68. Yes, Colin, please leave us to our sorting.

69. And you can take your self-portrait with you.

70. But... it's of all of us.

71. I made it on the Texas Instrument Paint Pro.

72. One of the hard things

73. about being an energy vampire is that,

74. even when you're being sincere

75. and maybe looking for some reassurance

76. or-or support,

77. people think you're trying to drain their life force.

78. I wish people would understand that I don't live to drain.

79. I-I drain to live.

80. It is draining for them, though.

81. Well, I'm the boss.

82. I have an assistant.

83. Joanna.

84. Hello, Joanna.

85. Hi, Mr. Robinson.

86. Colin Robinson.

87. Can you make me a copy, please?

88. Sure. Um, of what, sir?

89. Um...

90. Uh, that.

91. I'm watching you.

92. Do more work.

93. I have to admit, I'm quite nervous

94. about being the boss.

95. That said, I finally figured out what the company does.

96. It's playground design and marketing.

97. Or land mine design and manufacturing.

98. It's... one of those.

99. I have to give my first presentation.

100. (quietly): Human. Human, human.

101. Hello!

102. (clears throat) Even though there's been a slight uptick,

103. we have maintained

104. - a plat... - (beeping)

105. Okay. Well, uh,

106. I guess the projector decided to take a bit of a coffee break.

107. Ah! Ah! We're back!

108. I'm ready for my close-up.

109. All right!

110. Did you see that?

111. They were listening to me, because I'm the boss.

112. They had to listen.

113. This whole boss thing

114. might work out.

115. But the main thing is that we all give 100%,

116. except when it comes to donating blood.

117. - (all laugh) - It's entirely possible

118. that what rappers are saying is true.

119. I mean, being boss is dope.

120. So, this is all just kind of a precursor

121. to the larger slideshow that I'm about to start.

122. I feel like I have the power of a thousand cowboys

123. running through my veins right now. (laughs)

124. - (door opens) - Hey, Eric, uh...

125. Don't sit on that.

126. Dominic and Dan were sitting on it already and broke it.

127. I was worried being the boss would take me away

128. from my roomies too much, but they treat me as an inferior.

129. - At work, I'm a superior. - (phone rings)

130. Hi, Dan. Turn to your left.

131. Drain on demand.

132. Dan, I've called you in for an impromptu

133. - performance review. - Wh-Why?

134. If you were a tree, what type of tree would you be?

135. Uh, I don't know. A maple.

136. Okay, that's interesting.

137. I want you to go back to your cubicle and type up

138. a 2,000-word essay on why you chose to become a maple.

139. Arnie, stop talking to Joanna.

140. She's myassistant.

141. Tyler, hey. Colin Robinson, your boss.

142. Get in here.

143. That's right, Guillermo. Careful with my nudie.

144. - LASZLO: Whoa! - What are you doing with your hand?

145. - How dare you? - Whoa.

146. Get your hand off my wife's ample but firm backside.

147. Thank you, darling.

148. Right, but are you at the office, or...?

149. How far away from the office are you?

150. - I know you're not at the office. - Hello, Colin Robinson.

151. How was your first day being the big boss?

152. Like you give a shit.

153. How far from the office are you?

154. What is going on with Colin Robinson?

155. He has never missed an opportunity

156. to tell us how boring his day was.

157. He's a wild card, that one.

158. What are you talking about? He's not a wild card.

159. He's the card you get on the top of the deck

160. that has the instructions on it, so you throw it away.

161. - Uh, can you get to the office? - Colin Robinson,

162. would you like to help pick a painting to put up?

163. There's still a bit of space.

164. Hold. Uh, no.

165. I have calls to roll?

166. But I've always been partial to this one.

167. - NADJA: What? - LASZLO: Whoa.

168. - NANDOR: How's he doing that? - Can you get to the office?

169. What a beautiful landscape.

170. Why have I never seen this painting before?

171. Who knows? It doesn't go with this room, anyway.

172. We should get rid of it.

173. Donate it to an orphanage or something, Guillermo.

174. It looks just like the village I grew up in, and it's on fire.

175. - It... - Let me have a closer look.

176. I've heard of this invasion in stories.

177. Centuries before I was born,

178. it is said that my village

179. was a very special place.

180. They say that the water was like honey.

181. Even the urine— it was like rose water

182. that you could drink, and when you'd drink it,

183. it'd make you want to dance.

184. Very special place. And then it was

185. destroyed by a terrible army.

186. They spared only the softest brains

187. and the stupidest bodies in the village, and their offspring

188. were all wrong.

189. We will never forget that battle.

190. It was very windy that day, and the leader of the army—

191. he was on a high cliff face,

192. and he went, "You will never forget my name.

193. - It is..." (muffled speech) - (wind whistling)

194. We didn't get the name,

195. but I know now.

196. It is Nandor the Relentless, my pig shit housemate!

197. All this time, and you never said anything.

198. Lives were ruined! All the men in my village

199. are three-foot-two because of the malnourishment!

200. When he goes there, he's a bloody giant! So much

201. destruction and misery at my own vampire housemate's hands!

202. You coward!

203. We don't know that that is your exact village.

204. That is my village flag on fire in the painting!

205. Well...

206. the pillaging could've been done by anyone.

207. We cannot go jumping to conclusions that I am to blame.

208. He is right, my darling. We've got no evidence that it was him.

209. Then what the fuck is Persian Frank Zappa doing on a horse?

210. Yeah, that's him.

211. There were so many villages.

212. - So many pillages. I didn't... - (hissing)

213. What's that? Guillermo, stop her!

214. It begins.

215. Nandor, I will kill you!

216. I will absolutely kill you!

217. I will rip out every hair of your body!

218. I swear I am going to rip that man into shreds

219. and make a dress out of it.

220. - Laszlo, let me go! - No, my darling.

221. - You need to calm down. You're feeling murderous. - (grunts)

222. And go to his family's house and say, "Do you like this?

223. This is your son, and I'm wearing him as a dress!"

224. - Laszlo, let me go! - Guillermo, human shield.

225. - You must calm down. - Thought we talked about this.

226. You are supposed to support me when I want to kill someone!

227. - Not in this instance, my darling. - Yeah, thank you.

228. Let go, Laszlo!

229. - Hello? Is anybody there? - Hi, yeah. It-It's Beth.

230. - And Sarah. - We're calling from the...

231. Colin Robinson here, Staten Island branch.

232. - (beep) - BETH: Hello? - Did someone just join?

233. I-I heard a beep. Did we all hear the beep?

234. Yeah, this is Phil and Paul at the Hoboken branch. We're...

235. We all heard the beep on our end if anyone's there.

236. - PHIL: Yeah, we're here, Colin. - BETH: Yup, we're here.

237. Oh, great, you guys, you're on. Okay.

238. Okay, let me just dive right in. For the...

239. Staten Island branch. Can you hear me?

240. - PHIL: We're here, Colin. - Okay, great. Go ahead.

241. Uh, yeah, for the

242. Sigourney/Otis project, we got...

243. How was everyone's weekends?

244. It's like the more I feed, the more I need.

245. (chuckles) I've never felt so alive in my life.

246. I'm changing.

247. I'm becoming something new, something stronger.

248. I don't even need to talk someone's ear off anymore

249. to drain them.

250. I can drain them with a single phrase.

251. TGIF.

252. It's 5:00 somewhere.

253. Dan...

254. Working hard or hardly working?

255. What's up...?

256. And I grow more powerful by the second.

257. So, what I'm hearing Nandor say is that he's sorry.

258. Right, Master?

259. Well... mm.

260. How can you not apologize?

261. The tears of my childhood

262. watered the garden of your own pompous, selfish legend...

263. Nadja's very angry at me for destroying her village.

264. But it's, like,

265. calm down, Nadja.

266. We did those things 200 years before you were born.

267. I barely remember what happened, it was so long ago.

268. Also, I was very drunk.

269. It was just 200 guys having some fun.

270. Okay. You're right.

271. - I'm sorry for doing my job. - NADJA: Oh, coward!

272. The issue here is that I'm an invader, and I was invading.

273. Say something to him!

274. It's-it's him. It's Colin Robinson.

275. He's making you turn on each other,

276. and he's feeding off of it.

277. I think Gizmo might be onto something.

278. His hair's grown, and he's draining us.

279. He's not only draining us. This is a mega-drain.

280. Although I still have the best hair in the world.

281. How can you say you have the best hair?

282. Look at my hair.

283. I forgot something in my room.

284. Your hair looks like a dog.

285. - NADJA: You have no layers... - Oh, and, yeah, I can fly now.

286. I don't see any layers.

287. It's all layered, you prick.

288. Colin Robinson

289. has grown too powerful.

290. We no longer have enough energy to feed.

291. Where's Laszlo?

292. Laszlo's behind you.

293. He's in death mode so as to preserve energy.

294. Oh.

295. I hate to say this, but it's an emergency,

296. so I'm going to say it. Let's eat Guillermo.

297. Nadja is right.

298. It's the only way. Guillermo?

299. Guillermo, come over here and put your neck in my mouth.

300. No, you have to get up and do it, 'cause I can't get up.

301. Nadja, this is all your fault.

302. You were the one that invited Colin Robinson

303. to come and live with us.

304. This is not my fault. Laszlo invited him.

305. Not true. He came with the house.

306. Look at us. We are pathetic.

307. Stop filming us like this!

308. C-Camera Two, come over here and put your neck in my mouth.

309. Colin Robinson has recently

310. gained a huge, horrifying amount of power.

311. He just has to walk into the house, and we have no hope.

312. But we have a plan: distract Colin Robinson

313. and destroy his office overlords

314. who granted him this power.

315. (whispering): I need to get him making some lists,

316. and then we can escape.

317. He loves lists.

318. Hello, Colin Robinson.

319. - Ugh. - What do you want? I'm busy.

320. Um, where have you been? We've missed you around the house.

321. Yeah, right. Like you care.

322. The only people that care are my real friends, my work friends.

323. And they listen because they have to.

324. Well, I would love to know about your work friends.

325. What are all their names?

326. Well, there's Dan and then Arnie.

327. And then there's Jamie, who doesn't

328. actually work at the office. Come back. I'm not done.

329. And then we have Diabetic Dave.

330. Ellie, who I call Phoebe because it annoys her.

331. - (groaning) - And then, of course, you have Ben.

332. Another Ben, and I call him Balsamic Ben,

333. because he's a fan of Martin Balsam, the actor,

334. not because he likes balsamic vinegar.

335. And... that bring us, then,

336. - to HR... - (whimpers)

337. What is the plan again?

338. Run away.

339. Why don't we... walk away?

340. I listened to him for as long as I could,

341. but his power is stronger than...

342. - (shrieks) - (Nandor shudders)

343. - What? What is it? - NANDOR: Ew.

344. Nothing, my sweet darling.

345. - Your faces. - Why don't you come

346. and sit next to me,

347. and we can expire together.

348. Come and join me here. That's better.

349. Fuck it.

350. Well, since we're about to die,

351. I guess I should confess something.

352. - Remember when all those vampires were being mur... - NANDOR: Guillermo,

353. please save your confession till once I am dead.

354. Yes, Master.

355. Hey, gang.

356. - (slurping) - LASZLO: He can drink with just his mind?

357. Colin Robinson, why are you doing this to us?

358. We are your only friends in the world.

359. Why subject us to this hell?

360. Friends? Do friends ignore their friends

361. when their friend tells them about a big promotion that

362. they got at work, which they were considering turning down

363. just so they could hang out more with their friends?

364. Do friends accuse their friend of draining them

365. when all their friend wanted to do was hang out...

366. Guillermo, walk away. Save yourself.

367. - Hey, hey, Guillermo. - No.

368. - What's up, Guillermo? - No.

369. - LASZLO: What's this shit? - NADJA: Oh, no.

370. They're multipl...

371. - (frustrated groan) - COLIN: Clearly,

372. I no longer need friends like you anymore.

373. All I need is myself.

374. I'm my own best friend now.

375. The Colinator.

376. The C-Man.

377. Have mercy on us, Colin Robinsons.

378. Mercy? That's rich.

379. Did you show me... H-Hold on.

380. Actually, when you say "C-Man,"

381. it sounds kind of like "semen."

382. - It's short for Colin. - I'll handle this.

383. Does it even matter?

384. I mean, it's cool.

385. - C-Man. - Yeah, it matters, and, no,

386. - it's not cool. - Okay, but why does it matter?

387. Maybe we need

388. to have a sidebar meeting?

389. I-I'll check my schedule, but...

390. - C-Man's schedule is wide open. - Don't say "C-Man."

391. Uh, what would even be on the agenda?

392. - Our names. - But actually

393. I think the term you're looking for

394. - is "nicknames." - The Colins seem to be draining each other's energy.

395. - No, "moniker." - Actually, I prefer "handle."

396. - "Sobriquet"? - A-As in the French?

397. - (exhausted groaning) - Meaning...

398. "Nicknames."

399. Oh, no.

400. They bored themselves to death.

401. - NANDOR: Mm, how sad. - LASZLO: So be it.

402. Colin Robinson multiplied himself by three

403. and then bored himself to death.

404. It's very sad.

405. We have a number of Colins we have to bury

406. into the ground now.

407. It's okay, I've got your hand.

408. It's nice down there.

409. Very respectfully, Guillermo.

410. We have traveled here tonight from our house

411. to our garden to lay to rest Colin Robinson,

412. Colin Robinson, and... C-Man

413. next to this, his favorite bit of the fence.

414. Loved this fence.

415. We saw him here a couple of times.

416. Colin Robinson, when you talked to me

417. about 19th century naval battles,

418. I was genuinely interested.

419. I didn't let you know that,

420. 'cause then you'd have stopped.

421. Maybe I didn't want you to stop.

422. Colin Robinson died attempting to achieve power

423. and total domination of his place of work.

424. Thank you, Nandor, that is beautiful.

425. Sometimes after me and Laszlo would have a lovers' quarrel,

426. Colin would stand hovering at the door,

427. and I would say, "Shut up,"

428. and then he would actually often be a very good mute listener.

429. We wanted to bury this with you, Colin Robinson,

430. 'cause you loved it and we hated it.

431. Bury him with something he liked

432. and get rid of something we don't.

433. - NANDOR: Nicely done. - Ha!

434. - (laughing) - NANDOR: Fucking guy!

435. I tricked you. I'm alive.

436. I just wanted to hear my eulogy.

437. I knew you guys actually liked me.

438. I admit it's a bit of a long way to go, but it worked,

439. - so I'll take it. - NADJA: What about...

440. the other two?

441. Come on, guys.

442. Come on.

443. Oh, I guess they're... they're dead.

444. - Very good. - I think it's time we celebrate.

445. - Guillermo. - These are the enjoyable moments.

446. Get digging.

447. I'm making sure they're dead.

448. Hello.

449. Hi. Colin Robinson.

450. New guy.

451. The last place

452. I worked at is now in financial ruin.

453. People were so drained that nothing was getting done.

454. Which is why I'm here, to find a new place to work.

455. New guy alert. New guy alert.

456. Quite the drip going on over here.

457. The "swamp people," I'll call you.

458. I haven't

459. officially been hired.

460. Just trying to locate my cubicle.

461. I can't find it anywhere. (chuckles)

462. Guess we're gonna be cellmates.

463. Hopefully it won't be too much like prison.

464. Hey, are you a fan of conservative AM radio?

465. I'll find a cubicle that's empty

466. and imbed myself

467. for the next couple years.

468. Like a parasitic wasp amongst all

469. the congenital moron worker bees.

470. My husband Laszlo has dedicated his artistic skills

471. to touch up the painting and make it in a way

472. that will make us both happy.

473. - You fixed the clock tower! - Yes.

474. And there you are, my darling, on a hay bale.

475. - With my boobs out. - Mm-hmm.

476. - What have you done here? - I painted you out,

477. - put me in. - (Nadja gasps)

478. And there I am, galloping towards my wife,

479. who I will make love to.

480. And where am I?

481. You're in there. Bad luck, old chap.

482. - Pretty rude. - Well, it was pretty rude of you

483. to burn down my family's village.