What We Do in the Shadows 2x4

Directed by Liza Johnson

Veronika Slowikowska as Shanice • Abigail Savage as Tonya • Craig Robinson as Claude • Benjamin Luborsky as Twin Vampire #1 • Charlie Luborsky as Twin Vampire #2

While the vampires fear they've been electronically cursed, Guillermo tries to thwart a deadly threat to his masters.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Here we are.

2. I keep all of my correspondences

3. from the past seven and a half centuries in this box.

4. I used to get so many letters.

5. Who's it gonna be?

6. From my mom and dad

7. when I was away training with the Al Quolanudarian forces.

8. "Dear Nandor,

9. we hope that the rocks there are not too hard."

10. At training camp, we would use rocks as pillows.

11. And blankets.

12. This one is a letter from the leader of an army

13. that we defeated with particular brutality.

14. Tens of thousands were slaughtered.

15. I guess I never had a chance to open it.

16. "I resign myself to surrender.

17. I plead for a road to peace."

18. Oops.

19. Oh, this one is good.

20. An anonymous friend sent me a token

21. for a free scoop at Baskin and Robbins.

22. I can't eat ice cream, but it meant a lot.

23. I have asked Guillermo

24. to bring me his computing machine

25. so I can see if I have received any electronic letters

26. - in the past decade. - GUILLERMO: Okay.

27. - All right. - Ah, yes.

28. Connect this...

29. All right, there you go.

30. It's connected to this Ethernet cable.

31. Yes, I know how the ether works, Guillermo.

32. - No, Ethernet. - Give me this.

33. Okay. Well, if that's it,

34. I'm gonna head out, 'cause I have a couple of errands to run.

35. - Okay, then, bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

36. Oh, uh, I got some blood on my fancy collar,

37. so if could you get me one of those...

38. - Tide to go pens? - ... soapy pens

39. - you can use on clothing. - Tide to go pens.

40. The Tide pen.

41. - The "to go" variety. - To go.

42. There's money in the dish on the table in my room.

43. The money dish.

44. Uh, it's gone black.

45. No, no, it's just asleep.

46. Arise. Arise!

47. What is "arise," again? Control-alt-seven?

48. What if it's a little old lady vampire?

49. - KIDS: Kill. - What if it's a little baby vampire?

50. - KIDS: Kill. - Oh, look here.

51. Guillermo, you ready to slay some Suckers?

52. Uh... I brought some wooden stakes

53. - that I had at home so we can practice... - TONYA: Nice.

54. - ... slaying some Suckers. - CLAUDE: Right on.

55. I've decided

56. to infiltrate the group

57. and sabotage whatever plans they have.

58. 'Cause I would never forgive myself if something happened

59. to Nandor, Nadja or Laszlo.

60. But I don't think I have to be worried too much with this...

61. Stab it, stab it like this! Gotta kill it.

62. Glad you brought your camera crew, too.

63. Helps get the word out.

64. For too long, these vampires have gotten away

65. with treating humans like either dinner or dirt.

66. You know, every relationship has its ebbs and flows.

67. Ooh! I'm feeling good.

68. - DEREK: Yeah. Yes. - You feeling good?

69. - I feel good. - Hell yeah. - Yeah.

70. You guys are pumped for training.

71. Training? Nah. Training's over.

72. - What-what's going on? - Our first official hunt.

73. I'm sorry, what?

74. Oh, uh— No, I thought we were just going to,

75. - uh, practice today... - No, no, no.

76. We finally have a real target. Shanice, fill him in.

77. You know my roommate who was turned into a vampire?

78. Well, I think I figured out

79. where the ones who turned her live.

80. It's a house right here in Staten Island.

81. It's a very spooky-looking place.

82. No one goes in or out during the day.

83. No cars are parked out front.

84. And there a lot of bats.

85. Plus, there are these very strange

86. tr— tr—tenopinaries. Tipperaries?

87. - Chilip— Tilopirar... - Topiary.

88. These hedges out in the front yard.

89. Do, uh, any of these hedges look like...

90. vaginas?

91. My man.

92. I mean, I guess

93. some of them are of the adult nature.

94. I think I know what house you're talking about.

95. They're normal human beings. They're not vampires.

96. They're, like, teachers or social workers, actually.

97. - We are going there tonight. - Yes!

98. No! We shouldn't go tonight.

99. This is my second meeting. I thought we were gonna just—

100. ha— practice.

101. I could go another round at that crossbow.

102. And I know that Derek mentioned something.

103. You could go another round, right?

104. - No, I'm good. - I'm pretty sure you said it.

105. No, we've never talked outside of this.

106. Okay, well, he doesn't remember.

107. - Gear up. Let's ride. - Yes.

108. All right, guys. We have enough for, like,

109. two holy waters per person.

110. Breathing exercises. I like it, Guillermo.

111. I'm going to check my Hotmail.

112. Password?

113. Uh... What is my password?

114. A secure, alphanumeric one, I hope.

115. People think that just varying the case and adding a number

116. is enough to keep would-be hackers at bay,

117. but the truth is,

118. that's just the floor, not the ceiling.

119. I have a very secure password, okay, Colin Robinson?

120. My password is an impenetrable fortress.

121. That's it. "Impenetrable fortress."

122. I have two e-mail messages.

123. "Fandango.com presents an advanced screening

124. "of The Blind Side and you are invited.

125. The screening is October the 8th, 2009."

126. - I... - Too late.

127. - I missed it. - Sandy Bullock.

128. She was absolutely delightful in it.

129. She dazzled. I mean, you've seen Speed,

130. Miss Congeniality, Speed 2, Miss Congeniality 2,

131. - and Practical Magic.

132. Well, that, that's just rude.

133. Next message.

134. "This is not a joke.

135. "You are now cursed.

136. "Forward this message to ten people

137. "and unforeseen riches will be yours.

138. "If you don't, you will be killed.

139. "Bloody Mary knows who you are and where you live.

140. "She will find you and hang your corpse for all to see.

141. "You have until sunrise tomorrow.

142. "No send-backs.

143. This is not a joke."

144. Nadja!

145. Laszlo!

146. "Warning. If you've read this far, it's too late."

147. You stupid bloody donkey.

148. - Why did you let me read this far? - Well...

149. Says here some girl called Arianna disobeyed Bloody Mary,

150. and now she's dead.

151. They ripped her guts out

152. - and dropped them on the front doorstep of her parents. - Oh!

153. I'd say we're fucked.

154. This light box has cursed us.

155. Do you think it could maybe be something

156. from the neighborhood imp,

157. having a cheeky little joke?

158. This is not a joke.

159. It says it in many places.

160. Here, here, and here.

161. Don't look, my sweet darling. It's too dangerous.

162. Curses are very common

163. - and very serious. - Yes, this is true.

164. When I was younger, I saw so many

165. horrible curses going around.

166. There was a man who was just in the market,

167. and he didn't pay the fair price for the meat of a goat,

168. then, poof, you know, his bollocks are shriveled into

169. two tiny little raisins.

170. The man's bollocks. Not the goat's.

171. Oh, yeah. No, sorry. I thought that was clear.

172. - No, it wasn't.

173. - Curses really hit you where it hurts. - Mm-hmm.

174. Well, I definitely, uh, succeeded

175. with the infiltrating part of the plan,

176. but I'm having a little trouble with the sabotage

177. in that we're about to drive a van full of vampire-killing

178. weapons to the house.

179. I just need to pretend I'm one of them. Just, just pretend...

180. Guillermo! We gotta move.

181. Derek's mom needs the van back first thing tomorrow morning.

182. - Let's ride. - Yeah.

183. Why did you even open this thin machine?

184. I was just checking my e-mails.

185. I didn't know it would be full of curses.

186. All right, calm down.

187. All we need to do is send that to ten friends or foes

188. by sunrise, and the curse will be lifted.

189. Where are we going to get the e-mail addresses,

190. the "e-mail address shop"?

191. No, I'm guessing that'll be closed this time of night.

192. I do have the e-mail address for a Count Fandango.

193. Well done, Nandor. Send it to him.

194. One step forward to unforeseen fortunes.

195. One step away from getting our guts ripped out.

196. What do you say?

197. - How dare you do that?

198. You want to end up like Arianna?

199. - Fine. - Hold your bleedin' horses.

200. Some chap's left his calling card.

201. A "Timothy," at Circuit City stores.

202. "Happy to help," he says.

203. It also has his phone number...

204. - and e-mail address.

205. - Looks like Timothy's going to be getting

206. - a curse in the electronic post. - NANDOR: Yeah!

207. Hi, Timmy!

208. Watch out, mosquitoes!

209. You know, maybe we could keep it down a little bit, huh?

210. It's actually hard to focus on, uh, on vampire killing

211. when it's so loud, you know?

212. - Thank you.

213. I feel hot and sweaty.

214. I can't stop shaking since I got here.

215. - CLAUDE: You say something, Guillermo? - Uh, no.

216. I was just saying that, uh, maybe

217. we're getting a late start, you know.

218. We should probably be doing this

219. tomorrow, during the day.

220. My mom needs the van tomorrow.

221. - She's catering a quinceañera. - Cool, cool, cool.

222. That explains the boxes of, uh, shrimp...

223. Yeah, man, knock yourself out, you know.

224. Okay, yeah, let me...

225. let me take a look at...

226. This is bad. This is bad.

227. - Laszlo. Laszlo...

228. - Whoa! What clarion call is that?

229. The clagging chimes of doom?

230. - Shh. Where is it coming from?

231. This way.

232. - NANDOR: I will answer it.

233. No, you won't.

234. If that curse can travel through the Internet,

235. it'll sure as shit travel through that telephone.

236. We're not in right now,

237. but if you'd like to leave a message for Nandor,

238. - Nadja or Laszlo, - COLIN: And Colin Robinson!

239. - please do so at the tone.

240. You need to get out of the house right now.

241. You need to get out or you're gonna die.

242. - Get out now!

243. You're gonna die.

244. This is not a joke.

245. - Shit.

246. How did Bloody Mary get our bloody phone number?

247. Her power knows no bounds.

248. Did I tell you about the time

249. when Arianna's guts were ripped out of...

250. - Yes, we just read the e-mail! - Yeah.

251. We need more addresses.

252. Well, then, you need to make one up.

253. It is very hard to come up with names

254. when everyone is shouting.

255. What is a good name?

256. I know one we could try. Bloody fucking Mary!

257. That little piss snake

258. thinks she can send a curse to us?

259. Well, let's see how she likes it when I send an e-mail to

260. bloodyfuckingmary@aol.com.

261. - Did she reply?

262. No. It is from "mailer-daemon."

263. Demon!

264. - Knock, knock, knock, knock, knocking.

265. Oh. Hey, guys. Come on in.

266. - No, that's fine. - Right.

267. Oh, hello, Colin Robinson.

268. We were just sat around thinking do you know what

269. would be the best thing in the world ever?

270. - Get Colin Robinson's e-mail address. - Why?

271. - To give you a discount card. - To send you a packet of three.

272. I'm just really into, like, computers.

273. Uh-huh. But why do you really want it?

274. Because we have a huge fucking curse on us!

275. We need ten e-mail addresses pronto, Tonto,

276. - or it's... - COLIN: Huh.

277. Who got you? Tommy Knockers? The Headless Apothecary?

278. - Bloody Mary.

279. Oh. Oh, she's a sneak, that one.

280. Sure, I'll give you my e-mail address.

281. - Ha! - Then I get the curse,

282. and I can pass the curse on to the company directory.

283. Send it to Jason first. He'll send it over to Andrew.

284. It'll get to Becky. When it gets to Becky,

285. I'm gonna get a talking-to.

286. Don't want to be rude, Colin Robinson, but could you

287. get on with it? Otherwise it's certain death.

288. - Okay. Well, let me just write it down. - NANDOR: No, just say it to us.

289. - This pen's dead. I'm gonna try the old Bic. - Just say it to us.

290. - It's gonna take a second. - You can just say it to us.

291. Oh, I wouldn't dare, not with Internet security

292. being how it is these days.

293. A lot of Fortune 500 companies today

294. suffer from corporate espionage.

295. - "travelbug54@aol.com"? - Dot-com. Right.

296. I chose that e-mail address

297. because I enjoy traveling.

298. Here we go.

299. Yes!

300. It's not our house.

301. We're fine. We're gonna be okay.

302. - It's not our house. I mean,

303. even the topiary, it's not even erotic.

304. They're just giant balls.

305. Ready for your first hunt, Guillermo?

306. - Technically, it's all our first hunt, but... yeah. - True, true.

307. Destiny is a funny mistress.

308. I mean, I highly doubt

309. there's any vampires in there.

310. Okay, let's do this, I guess.

311. Oh, hell yes.

312. And let's just be cautious, guys.

313. 'Cause they could just be regular people.

314. And we're, like, breaking into their house.

315. Get your cameras on. I smell vamps.

316. Very clever hiding place.

317. Familiars are such idiots.

318. They're... they're not idiots.

319. See? See, I told you,

320. they're just a regular family. Come on, let's go.

321. Are you kidding me? That's just what they want us to think.

322. These are decoy photos.

323. All right, let's split up.

324. Derek, Tonya, check that way. I'll check over here.

325. Newb, you stick with Shanice.

326. Check upstairs.

327. Let's eviscerate these vamps.

328. No! No, no, no, let's not eviscerate anyone, okay?

329. This is already breaking and entering.

330. Let's just leave this family alone

331. - before it gets worse. - I'm just gonna go upstairs.

332. - No, Shanice... - Are you just gonna stay down here by yourself?

333. - And get murdered? - Shanice!

334. We could go to prison for this. Shanice.

335. Did you hear that?

336. What is that, a cage?

337. Oh, check this out, man.

338. A bat cage.

339. Who poses for a picture of themself

340. with themself?

341. That's not normal.

342. - SHANICE: Oh. - GUILLERMO: See?

343. If there was vampires, wouldn't they be awake right now?

344. That's true.

345. Come on, let's go.

346. They're just kids.

347. You know, I used to have star stickers

348. like that when I was a kid.

349. Ursa Major, Ursa Minor.

350. Uh, Canis Major, Canis Minor.

351. - Shanice, we need to go! - You know what, if the police showed up,

352. - I think it's— - We need to go, okay?

353. Shanice, we need to go right now.

354. Where are you going?

355. Holy...!

356. Vampires!

357. - We need to get everybody to the van.

358. - Go, go, go, go, go!

359. I'm okay, I'm okay!

360. Now that you have my e-mail address,

361. I'll get your e-mail addresses and you'll be signed up

362. automatically for my e-newsletter.

363. - It's bi-weekly

364. and-and by bi-weekly, I mean twice a week

365. - This week I'm taking a deep dive into... - I have to go, I have to...

366. Whoever finds this,

367. you have to warn everyone.

368. Derek, let's go!

369. No way! Guys?

370. "Dancing in the Moonlight"?

371. I bet vamps really love this tune...

372. - No, we have to go!

373. Oh, my God! Where's the holy water?

374. - Come on, let's go!

375. Guys, we did it! We actually found a vamp!

376. Where are they?

377. I have to go back, I have to go back

378. or they're gonna die.

379. I have to go back, I got to go back.

380. Get the fuck off of me! Shit!

381. I shoved a stake in my foot!

382. - Go, get out. - I'm trying.

383. - Go! - It really hurts.

384. - I got a hole in my foot!

385. You have to get out of the house— go, go go!

386. A midnight snack?

387. Sorry.

388. Help me!

389. Shanice!

390. - Somebody, help! - Shanice!

391. Somebody help!

392. Are you okay?

393. - I'm okay, I'm okay. - All right.

394. I'm okay.

395. Stay back! Get back!

396. We have to go! We have to go, sorry!

397. Fuck!

398. Where's Derek? I couldn't find Derek!

399. - It's too late for him now. - Oh. Oh...

400. We still have to get the van back to Derek's mom.

401. Yep.

402. Sir... bob

403. gel...

404. dolph@yahoo.com.

405. - There, it is done.

406. That is ten e-mails.

407. So what do we do, wait till sunrise?

408. How do we know that Sir Bob Geldolph

409. - has that e-mail? - Uh...

410. - Oh...

411. Whoa, it's all right.

412. Oh, no!

413. Don't fear, my darling.

414. Laszlo, your forearm is not curse-proof!

415. Please!

416. All this is playing havoc with my guts.

417. Talking about guts, I did tell you about Arianna

418. - when her guts were dragged out on the doorstep? - Yes, yes!

419. No, no, no, please!

420. Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!

421. Do not rip our guts out!

422. Guillermo?

423. You scared the shit out of us!

424. What was that dilly-dallying at the door?

425. Could you just come in like a normal person?

426. The door's getting stuck again.

427. I like tie-dye— have you been to a concert?

428. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

429. The Tide to go pens were on sale, so you got some

430. extra cash.

431. Unforeseen riches.

432. Oh, the curse!

433. - It has lifted!

434. You don't even know what this is about.

435. Laszlo, now, really?

436. Oh, yes.

437. You know, while you were out running your errand,

438. we were in very serious danger.

439. Because of your machine.

440. We could have been killed tonight.

441. Did you know that?

442. It was really scary.

443. I'm sorry, Master.

444. Guillermo?

445. Yes?

446. Would you mind staying for a few moments,

447. just until I fall asleep?

448. Of course.

449. Thank you.

450. Guillermo?

451. Yes, Master?

452. I don't wish to be murdered in my slumber.

453. I know it's a little silly,

454. because we defeated the curse.

455. But with that and all these stories

456. about vampires being murdered

457. lately, I'm feeling a little...

458. less fearless than I usually do.

459. Just a little.

460. - I'll stay, Master. - Thank you.

461. I'm not asleep yet, Guillermo!