1. Here we are.
(grunts)Copy !req
2. I keep all of my correspondencesCopy !req
3. from the past seven and a half
centuries in this box.Copy !req
4. I used to get so many letters.Copy !req
5. Who's it gonna be?Copy !req
6. From my mom and dadCopy !req
7. when I was away training with
the Al Quolanudarian forces.Copy !req
8. "Dear Nandor,Copy !req
9. we hope that the rocks there
are not too hard."Copy !req
10. At training camp,
we would use rocks as pillows.Copy !req
11. And blankets.Copy !req
12. This one is a letter
from the leader of an armyCopy !req
13. that we defeated
with particular brutality.Copy !req
14. Tens of thousands
were slaughtered.Copy !req
15. I guess I never had
a chance to open it.Copy !req
16. "I resign myself to surrender.Copy !req
17. I plead for a road to peace."Copy !req
18. Oops.Copy !req
19. Oh, this one is good.Copy !req
20. An anonymous friend
sent me a tokenCopy !req
21. for a free scoop
at Baskin and Robbins.Copy !req
22. I can't eat ice cream,
but it meant a lot.Copy !req
23. I have asked GuillermoCopy !req
24. to bring me
his computing machineCopy !req
25. so I can see if I have received
any electronic lettersCopy !req
26. - in the past decade.
- GUILLERMO: Okay.Copy !req
27. - All right.
- Ah, yes.Copy !req
28. Connect this...Copy !req
29. All right, there you go.Copy !req
30. It's connected
to this Ethernet cable.Copy !req
31. Yes, I know how
the ether works, Guillermo.Copy !req
32. - No, Ethernet.
- Give me this.Copy !req
33. Okay. Well, if that's it,Copy !req
34. I'm gonna head out, 'cause I
have a couple of errands to run.Copy !req
35. - Okay, then, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.Copy !req
36. Oh, uh, I got some blood
on my fancy collar,Copy !req
37. so if could you get me
one of those...Copy !req
38. - Tide to go pens?
- ... soapy pensCopy !req
39. - you can use on clothing.
- Tide to go pens.Copy !req
40. The Tide pen.Copy !req
41. - The "to go" variety.
- To go.Copy !req
42. There's money in the dish
on the table in my room.Copy !req
43. The money dish.Copy !req
44. Uh, it's gone black.Copy !req
45. No, no, it's just asleep.Copy !req
46. Arise. Arise!Copy !req
47. What is "arise," again?
Control-alt-seven?Copy !req
48. What if it's a little
old lady vampire?Copy !req
49. - KIDS: Kill.
- What if it's a little
baby vampire?Copy !req
50. - KIDS: Kill.
- Oh, look here.Copy !req
51. Guillermo, you ready
to slay some Suckers?Copy !req
52. Uh... I brought
some wooden stakesCopy !req
53. - that I had at home
so we can practice...
- TONYA: Nice.Copy !req
54. - ... slaying some Suckers.
- CLAUDE: Right on.Copy !req
55. I've decidedCopy !req
56. (whispers):
to infiltrate the groupCopy !req
57. and sabotage
whatever plans they have.Copy !req
58. 'Cause I would never forgive
myself if something happenedCopy !req
59. to Nandor, Nadja or Laszlo.Copy !req
60. But I don't think I have to be
worried too much with this...Copy !req
61. Stab it, stab it like this!
Gotta kill it.Copy !req
62. Glad you brought
your camera crew, too.Copy !req
63. Helps get the word out.Copy !req
64. For too long,
these vampires have gotten awayCopy !req
65. with treating humans
like either dinner or dirt.Copy !req
66. You know, every relationship
has its ebbs and flows.Copy !req
67. Ooh! I'm feeling good.Copy !req
68. - DEREK: Yeah. Yes.
- You feeling good?Copy !req
69. - I feel good.
- Hell yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
70. You guys are pumped
for training.Copy !req
71. Training? Nah. Training's over.Copy !req
72. - What-what's going on?
- Our first official hunt.Copy !req
73. I'm sorry, what?Copy !req
74. Oh, uh— No, I thought
we were just going to,Copy !req
75. - uh, practice today...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
76. We finally have a real target.
Shanice, fill him in.Copy !req
77. You know my roommate
who was turned into a vampire?Copy !req
78. Well, I think I figured outCopy !req
79. where the ones
who turned her live.Copy !req
80. It's a house right here
in Staten Island.Copy !req
81. It's a very
spooky-looking place.Copy !req
82. No one goes in or out
during the day.Copy !req
83. No cars are parked out front.Copy !req
84. And there a lot of bats.Copy !req
85. Plus, there are
these very strangeCopy !req
86. tr— tr—tenopinaries.
Tipperaries?Copy !req
87. - Chilip— Tilopirar...
- Topiary.Copy !req
88. These hedges
out in the front yard.Copy !req
89. Do, uh, any of these hedges
look like...Copy !req
90. vaginas?Copy !req
91. (stifled laugh)
My man.Copy !req
92. I mean, I guessCopy !req
93. some of them
are of the adult nature.Copy !req
94. I think I know what house
you're talking about.Copy !req
95. They're normal human beings.
They're not vampires.Copy !req
96. They're, like, teachers
or social workers, actually.Copy !req
97. - We are going there tonight.
- Yes!Copy !req
98. No! We shouldn't go tonight.Copy !req
99. This is my second meeting.
I thought we were gonna just—Copy !req
100. ha— practice.Copy !req
101. I could go another round
at that crossbow.Copy !req
102. And I know that Derek
mentioned something.Copy !req
103. You could go
another round, right?Copy !req
104. - No, I'm good.
- I'm pretty sure you said it.Copy !req
105. No, we've never
talked outside of this.Copy !req
106. Okay, well, he doesn't remember.Copy !req
107. - Gear up. Let's ride.
- Yes.Copy !req
108. All right, guys.
We have enough for, like,Copy !req
109. two holy waters per person.Copy !req
110. Breathing exercises.
I like it, Guillermo.Copy !req
111. I'm going to check my Hotmail.Copy !req
112. Password?Copy !req
113. Uh... What is my password?Copy !req
114. A secure, alphanumeric one,
I hope.Copy !req
115. People think that just varying
the case and adding a numberCopy !req
116. is enough to keep
would-be hackers at bay,Copy !req
117. but the truth is,Copy !req
118. that's just the floor,
not the ceiling.Copy !req
119. I have a very secure password,
okay, Colin Robinson?Copy !req
120. My password
is an impenetrable fortress.Copy !req
121. That's it.
"Impenetrable fortress."Copy !req
122. I have two e-mail messages.Copy !req
123. "of The Blind Side
and you are invited.Copy !req
124. The screening
is October the 8th, 2009."Copy !req
125. - I...
- Too late.Copy !req
126. - I missed it.
- (laughs): Sandy Bullock.Copy !req
127. She was absolutely
delightful in it.Copy !req
128. She dazzled.
I mean, you've seen Speed,Copy !req
129. Miss Congeniality, Speed 2,
Miss Congeniality 2,Copy !req
130. - and Practical Magic.
- (hisses)Copy !req
131. Well, that, that's just rude.
(chuckles)Copy !req
132. Next message.Copy !req
133. "This is not a joke.Copy !req
134. "You are now cursed.Copy !req
135. "Forward this message
to ten peopleCopy !req
136. "and unforeseen riches
will be yours.Copy !req
137. "If you don't,
you will be killed.Copy !req
138. "Bloody Mary knows who you are
and where you live.Copy !req
139. "She will find you and hang
your corpse for all to see.Copy !req
140. "You have
until sunrise tomorrow.Copy !req
141. "No send-backs.Copy !req
142. This is not a joke."Copy !req
143. Nadja!Copy !req
144. Laszlo!Copy !req
145. "Warning. If you've read
this far, it's too late."Copy !req
146. You stupid bloody donkey.Copy !req
147. - Why did you let me
read this far?
- Well...Copy !req
148. Says here some girl called
Arianna disobeyed Bloody Mary,Copy !req
149. and now she's dead.Copy !req
150. They ripped her guts outCopy !req
151. - and dropped them on the front
doorstep of her parents.
- Oh!Copy !req
152. I'd say we're fucked.Copy !req
153. This light box has cursed us.Copy !req
154. Do you think it could maybe
be somethingCopy !req
155. from the neighborhood imp,Copy !req
156. having a cheeky little joke?Copy !req
157. This is not a joke.Copy !req
158. It says it in many places.Copy !req
159. Here, here, and here.Copy !req
160. Don't look, my sweet darling.
It's too dangerous.Copy !req
161. Curses are very commonCopy !req
162. - and very serious.
- Yes, this is true.Copy !req
163. When I was younger,
I saw so manyCopy !req
164. horrible curses going around.Copy !req
165. There was a man
who was just in the market,Copy !req
166. and he didn't pay the fair
price for the meat of a goat,Copy !req
167. then, poof, you know,
his bollocks are shriveled intoCopy !req
168. two tiny little raisins.Copy !req
169. The man's bollocks.
Not the goat's.Copy !req
170. Oh, yeah. No, sorry.
I thought that was clear.Copy !req
171. - No, it wasn't.
- (chuckles)
- (scream echoing)Copy !req
172. - Curses really hit you
where it hurts.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
173. Well, I definitely,
uh, succeededCopy !req
174. with the infiltrating part
of the plan,Copy !req
175. but I'm having a little trouble
with the sabotageCopy !req
176. in that we're about to drive
a van full of vampire-killingCopy !req
177. weapons to the house.Copy !req
178. I just need to pretend I'm one
of them. Just, just pretend...Copy !req
179. Guillermo!
We gotta move.Copy !req
180. Derek's mom needs the van back
first thing tomorrow morning.Copy !req
181. - Let's ride.
- Yeah.Copy !req
182. Why did you even open
this thin machine?Copy !req
183. I was just checking
my e-mails.Copy !req
184. I didn't know it would be
full of curses.Copy !req
185. All right, calm down.Copy !req
186. All we need to do is
send that to ten friends or foesCopy !req
187. by sunrise, and the curse
will be lifted.Copy !req
188. Where are we going to get
the e-mail addresses,Copy !req
189. the "e-mail address shop"?Copy !req
190. No, I'm guessing that'll be
closed this time of night.Copy !req
191. I do have the e-mail address
for a Count Fandango.Copy !req
192. Well done, Nandor.
Send it to him.Copy !req
193. One step forward
to unforeseen fortunes.Copy !req
194. One step away from getting
our guts ripped out.Copy !req
195. What do you say?Copy !req
196. - (hisses)
- How dare you do that?Copy !req
197. You want to end up
like Arianna?Copy !req
198. - Fine.
- Hold your bleedin' horses.Copy !req
199. Some chap's left
his calling card.Copy !req
200. A "Timothy,"
at Circuit City stores.Copy !req
201. "Happy to help," he says.Copy !req
202. It also has his phone number...Copy !req
203. - and e-mail address.
- (Nadja cackles)Copy !req
204. - (Nandor laughs)
- Looks like Timothy's
going to be gettingCopy !req
205. - a curse in the electronic post.
- NANDOR: Yeah!Copy !req
206. Hi, Timmy!Copy !req
207. - (Claude whoops)
- (loud rock music playing)Copy !req
208. Watch out, mosquitoes! (whoops)Copy !req
209. You know, maybe we could
keep it down a little bit, huh?Copy !req
210. It's actually hard to focus
on, uh, on vampire killingCopy !req
211. when it's so loud, you know?Copy !req
212. - (lowers volume)
- Thank you.Copy !req
213. (whispering):
I feel hot and sweaty.Copy !req
214. I can't stop shaking
since I got here.Copy !req
215. - CLAUDE: You say something,
Guillermo?
- Uh, no.Copy !req
216. I was just saying
that, uh, maybeCopy !req
217. we're getting a late start,
you know.Copy !req
218. We should probably be doing thisCopy !req
219. tomorrow, during the day.Copy !req
220. My mom needs the van tomorrow.Copy !req
221. - She's catering a quinceañera.
- Cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
222. That explains the boxes
of, uh, shrimp...Copy !req
223. Yeah, man, knock yourself out,
you know.Copy !req
224. Okay, yeah, let me...Copy !req
225. let me take a look at...Copy !req
226. This is bad. This is bad.Copy !req
227. - (line ringing)
- Laszlo. Laszlo...Copy !req
228. - (phone ringing)
- Whoa! What clarion call
is that?Copy !req
229. The clagging chimes of doom?Copy !req
230. - (phone continues ringing)
- Shh. Where is it coming from?Copy !req
231. This way.Copy !req
232. - (Nadja crying out)
- NANDOR: I will answer it.Copy !req
233. No, you won't.Copy !req
234. If that curse can travel
through the Internet,Copy !req
235. it'll sure as shit travel
through that telephone.Copy !req
236. We're not in right now,Copy !req
237. but if you'd like to leave
a message for Nandor,Copy !req
238. - Nadja or Laszlo,
- COLIN: And Colin Robinson!Copy !req
239. - please do so at the tone.
- (beep)Copy !req
240. (harsh whisper): You need to get
out of the house right now.Copy !req
241. You need to get out
or you're gonna die.Copy !req
242. - (gasps)
- Get out now!Copy !req
243. You're gonna die.Copy !req
244. This is not a joke.Copy !req
245. - Shit.
- (beeps off)Copy !req
246. How did Bloody Mary get
our bloody phone number?Copy !req
247. Her power knows no bounds.Copy !req
248. Did I tell you about the timeCopy !req
249. when Arianna's guts were
ripped out of...Copy !req
250. - Yes, we just read the e-mail!
- Yeah.Copy !req
251. We need more addresses.Copy !req
252. Well, then, you need
to make one up.Copy !req
253. It is very hard to come up
with namesCopy !req
254. when everyone is shouting.Copy !req
255. What is a good name?Copy !req
256. I know one we could try.
Bloody fucking Mary!Copy !req
257. That little piss snakeCopy !req
258. thinks she can send
a curse to us?Copy !req
259. Well, let's see how she likes it
when I send an e-mail toCopy !req
260. bloodyfuckingmary@aol.com.Copy !req
261. - (computer chimes)
- Did she reply?Copy !req
262. No. It is from "mailer-daemon."Copy !req
263. Demon!Copy !req
264. - Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knocking.
- (door creaking)Copy !req
265. Oh. Hey, guys.
Come on in.Copy !req
266. - No, that's fine.
- Right.Copy !req
267. Oh, hello, Colin Robinson.Copy !req
268. We were just sat around
thinking do you know whatCopy !req
269. would be the best thing
in the world ever?Copy !req
270. - Get Colin Robinson's
e-mail address.
- Why?Copy !req
271. - To give you a discount card.
- To send you a packet of three.Copy !req
272. I'm just really into,
like, computers.Copy !req
273. Uh-huh. But why do you
really want it?Copy !req
274. Because we have a huge
fucking curse on us!Copy !req
275. We need ten e-mail addresses
pronto, Tonto,Copy !req
276. - or it's...
(makes slashing sound)
- COLIN: Huh.Copy !req
277. Who got you? Tommy Knockers?
The Headless Apothecary?Copy !req
278. - Bloody Mary.
- (Nadja sobs)Copy !req
279. Oh. (laughs)
Oh, she's a sneak, that one.Copy !req
280. Sure, I'll give you
my e-mail address.Copy !req
281. - Ha!
- Then I get the curse,Copy !req
282. and I can pass the curse
on to the company directory.Copy !req
283. Send it to Jason first.
He'll send it over to Andrew.Copy !req
284. It'll get to Becky.
When it gets to Becky,Copy !req
285. I'm gonna get a talking-to.Copy !req
286. Don't want to be rude,
Colin Robinson, but could youCopy !req
287. get on with it?
Otherwise it's certain death.Copy !req
288. - Okay. Well,
let me just write it down.
- NANDOR: No, just say it to us.Copy !req
289. - This pen's dead.
I'm gonna try the old Bic.
- Just say it to us.Copy !req
290. - It's gonna take a second.
- You can just say it to us.Copy !req
291. Oh, I wouldn't dare,
not with Internet securityCopy !req
292. being how it is these days.Copy !req
293. A lot
of Fortune 500 companies todayCopy !req
294. suffer from corporate espionage.Copy !req
295. - "travelbug54@aol.com"?
- Dot-com. Right.Copy !req
296. I chose that e-mail addressCopy !req
297. because I enjoy traveling.Copy !req
298. Here we go.Copy !req
299. (laughing):
Yes!Copy !req
300. It's not our house.Copy !req
301. We're fine.
We're gonna be okay.Copy !req
302. - (whoops)
- It's not our house. I mean,Copy !req
303. even the topiary,
it's not even erotic.Copy !req
304. They're just giant balls.Copy !req
305. Ready for your first hunt,
Guillermo?Copy !req
306. - Technically, it's all
our first hunt, but... yeah.
- True, true.Copy !req
307. Destiny is a funny mistress.Copy !req
308. I mean, I highly doubtCopy !req
309. there's any vampires in there.Copy !req
310. Okay, let's do this, I guess.Copy !req
311. Oh, hell yes.Copy !req
312. And let's just be cautious,
guys.Copy !req
313. 'Cause they could just be
regular people.Copy !req
314. And we're, like,
breaking into their house.Copy !req
315. Get your cameras on.
I smell vamps.Copy !req
316. Very clever hiding place.Copy !req
317. Familiars are such idiots.Copy !req
318. They're... they're not idiots.Copy !req
319. (whispers):
See? See, I told you,Copy !req
320. they're just a regular family.
Come on, let's go.Copy !req
321. Are you kidding me? That's
just what they want us to think.Copy !req
322. These are decoy photos.Copy !req
323. All right, let's split up.Copy !req
324. Derek, Tonya, check that way.
I'll check over here.Copy !req
325. Newb, you stick with Shanice.Copy !req
326. Check upstairs.Copy !req
327. Let's eviscerate these vamps.Copy !req
328. No! No, no, no, let's not
eviscerate anyone, okay?Copy !req
329. This is already
breaking and entering.Copy !req
330. Let's just leave
this family aloneCopy !req
331. - before it gets worse.
- I'm just gonna go upstairs.Copy !req
332. - No, Shanice...
- Are you just gonna stay
down here by yourself?Copy !req
333. - And get murdered?
- Shanice!Copy !req
334. We could go to prison for this.
Shanice.Copy !req
335. Did you hear that?Copy !req
336. What is that, a cage?Copy !req
337. Oh, check this out, man.Copy !req
338. A bat cage.Copy !req
339. Who poses for a picture
of themselfCopy !req
340. with themself?Copy !req
341. That's not normal.Copy !req
342. - SHANICE: Oh.
- GUILLERMO: See?Copy !req
343. If there was vampires, wouldn't
they be awake right now?Copy !req
344. That's true.Copy !req
345. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
346. They're just kids.Copy !req
347. You know, I used to have
star stickersCopy !req
348. like that when I was a kid.Copy !req
349. Ursa Major, Ursa Minor.Copy !req
350. Uh, Canis Major, Canis Minor.Copy !req
351. - Shanice, we need to go!
- You know what,
if the police showed up,Copy !req
352. - I think it's—
- We need to go, okay?Copy !req
353. Shanice, we need to go
right now.Copy !req
354. Where are you going?Copy !req
355. Holy...! (whimpers)Copy !req
356. Vampires!Copy !req
357. - We need to get
everybody to the van.
- (laughter)Copy !req
358. - (screams)
- Go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
359. I'm okay, I'm okay!Copy !req
360. Now that you have
my e-mail address,Copy !req
361. I'll get your e-mail addresses
and you'll be signed upCopy !req
362. automatically
for my e-newsletter.Copy !req
363. - (groans)
- It's bi-weeklyCopy !req
364. and-and by bi-weekly,
I mean twice a weekCopy !req
365. - This week I'm taking
a deep dive into...
- I have to go, I have to...Copy !req
366. Whoever finds this,Copy !req
367. you have to warn everyone.Copy !req
368. Derek, let's go!Copy !req
369. No way! Guys?Copy !req
370. "Dancing in the Moonlight"?Copy !req
371. I bet vamps really
love this tune...Copy !req
372. - No, we have to go!
- (screams)Copy !req
373. Oh, my God!
Where's the holy water?Copy !req
374. - (screaming)
- Come on, let's go!Copy !req
375. Guys, we did it!
We actually found a vamp!Copy !req
376. Where are they?Copy !req
377. I have to go back,
I have to go backCopy !req
378. or they're gonna die.Copy !req
379. I have to go back,
I got to go back.Copy !req
380. Get the fuck off of me! Shit!Copy !req
381. (screams)
I shoved a stake in my foot!Copy !req
382. - Go, get out.
- I'm trying.Copy !req
383. - Go!
- It really hurts.Copy !req
384. - I got a hole in my foot!
- (hisses)Copy !req
385. You have to get out
of the house— go, go go!Copy !req
386. A midnight snack?Copy !req
387. (grunts) Sorry.Copy !req
388. Help me!Copy !req
389. Shanice!Copy !req
390. - Somebody, help!
- Shanice!Copy !req
391. Somebody help!Copy !req
392. Are you okay?Copy !req
393. - I'm okay, I'm okay.
- All right.Copy !req
394. I'm okay. (screams)Copy !req
395. Stay back! Get back!Copy !req
396. We have to go!
We have to go, sorry!Copy !req
397. Fuck!Copy !req
398. Where's Derek?
I couldn't find Derek!Copy !req
399. - It's too late for him now.
- Oh. Oh...Copy !req
400. - (snarling nearby)
- (whimpering)Copy !req
401. We still have to get
the van back to Derek's mom.Copy !req
402. Yep.Copy !req
403. Sir... bobCopy !req
404. gel...Copy !req
405. dolph@yahoo.com.Copy !req
406. - There, it is done.
- (grunts)Copy !req
407. That is ten e-mails. (laughs)Copy !req
408. So what do we do,
wait till sunrise?Copy !req
409. How do we know
that Sir Bob GeldolphCopy !req
410. - has that e-mail?
- Uh...Copy !req
411. - (nearby thud)
- Oh...Copy !req
412. Whoa, it's all right.Copy !req
413. Oh, no!Copy !req
414. Don't fear, my darling.Copy !req
415. Laszlo, your forearm is
not curse-proof!Copy !req
416. Please!Copy !req
417. All this is playing
havoc with my guts.Copy !req
418. Talking about guts,
I did tell you about AriannaCopy !req
419. - when her guts were dragged out
on the doorstep?
- Yes, yes!Copy !req
420. No, no, no, please!Copy !req
421. Bloody Mary, have mercy on us!Copy !req
422. Do not rip our guts out!Copy !req
423. Guillermo?Copy !req
424. You scared the shit out of us!Copy !req
425. What was that dilly-dallying
at the door?Copy !req
426. Could you just come in
like a normal person?Copy !req
427. The door's getting stuck again.Copy !req
428. I like tie-dye—
have you been to a concert?Copy !req
429. Yeah. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
430. The Tide to go pens were
on sale, so you got someCopy !req
431. extra cash.Copy !req
432. Unforeseen riches.Copy !req
433. Oh, the curse!Copy !req
434. - It has lifted!
- (laughs)Copy !req
435. (stammers) You don't even know
what this is about.Copy !req
436. Laszlo, now, really?Copy !req
437. Oh, yes.Copy !req
438. You know, while you were
out running your errand,Copy !req
439. we were in very serious danger.Copy !req
440. Because of your machine.Copy !req
441. We could have been
killed tonight.Copy !req
442. Did you know that?Copy !req
443. It was really scary.Copy !req
444. I'm sorry, Master.Copy !req
445. Guillermo?Copy !req
446. Yes?Copy !req
447. Would you mind staying
for a few moments,Copy !req
448. just until I fall asleep?Copy !req
449. Of course.Copy !req
450. Thank you.Copy !req
451. Guillermo?Copy !req
452. Yes, Master?Copy !req
453. I don't wish to be murdered
in my slumber.Copy !req
454. I know it's a little silly,Copy !req
455. because we defeated the curse.Copy !req
456. But with that
and all these storiesCopy !req
457. about vampires being murderedCopy !req
458. lately, I'm feeling a little...Copy !req
459. less fearless than I usually do.Copy !req
460. Just a little.Copy !req
461. - I'll stay, Master.
- Thank you.Copy !req
462. I'm not asleep yet, Guillermo!Copy !req