1. What the...Copy !req
2. Who the hell gave you permissionCopy !req
3. to monkey around
with my precious volumes?Copy !req
4. I have no idea what
you're talking about.Copy !req
5. What has he done now?Copy !req
6. He's been monkeying around
with my precious volumes.Copy !req
7. - No, I haven't been monkey—
I haven't touched your books.
- Oh, really?Copy !req
8. Well, explain this.Copy !req
9. Shit, he's taken it up
a notch.Copy !req
10. That's worse than before.Copy !req
11. Guillermo, why would you
do such a thing?Copy !req
12. I didn't do it. I-I haven't even
been in this room.Copy !req
13. I wasn't even here.Copy !req
14. Well, you're in there now.Copy !req
15. - NADJA: What's going on?
- LASZLO: It's Gizmo.Copy !req
16. He's been causing havoc
in the household.Copy !req
17. Ooh.Copy !req
18. Look. Look.Copy !req
19. "Laszlo sucks," backwards.Copy !req
20. Laszlo doesn't suck.Copy !req
21. And if he did, he certainly
wouldn't do it backwards.Copy !req
22. I didn't write it.Copy !req
23. Hmm.Copy !req
24. We've got ghosts.Copy !req
25. - Bullshit.Copy !req
26. A ghost is the spirit
of a person who has died,Copy !req
27. but still has unfinished
businessCopy !req
28. on this mortal plane.Copy !req
29. There's no such thing
as ghosts.Copy !req
30. Okay, here we go again.Copy !req
31. My wife comes from
the kind of townCopy !req
32. that believes in all this kind
of superstitious nonsense.Copy !req
33. She also thinks
goblins are real.Copy !req
34. Personally, I'm a man
of science.Copy !req
35. All right, then, Dr. Arsehole,
how does your scienceCopy !req
36. - explain what we just saw?
- Now, you see,Copy !req
37. it can be one of two things.Copy !req
38. One, a mercurical zephyr.Copy !req
39. Two, it's a farrago of gasses,Copy !req
40. possibly from a peat bog.Copy !req
41. Now, if you capture these
and add them together,Copy !req
42. - using yellow bile
from a plague victim...Copy !req
43. you've got what
looks like a ghost.Copy !req
44. - But it's science.
- Ooh!Copy !req
45. Ghosts areCopy !req
46. the stuff of fairy tales.Copy !req
47. Stories we tell children
to frighten outCopy !req
48. their excess energy
so that they mightCopy !req
49. - slumber more peacefully.
- GUILLERMO: Huh.Copy !req
50. Did you say something?Copy !req
51. I'm sorry, vampires are real,
but ghosts are not?Copy !req
52. He's heard too many
fairy stories from Nadja.Copy !req
53. No, I actually just want
to make sureCopy !req
54. we're on the same page.Copy !req
55. You know, after years
of working for you,Copy !req
56. a known vampire,
I have seenCopy !req
57. - werewolves, necromancers...Copy !req
58. a zombie
and several Babadooks,Copy !req
59. but a ghost, that's where
we draw the line.Copy !req
60. Several?
You saw one Bababook.Copy !req
61. - Several Ba—
- Don't exaggerate.Copy !req
62. Do I believe in ghosts?
Uh, no.Copy !req
63. Color me skeptical.Copy !req
64. Um, though, maybe it's ghosts
that are always stealingCopy !req
65. that one sock from the dryer.Copy !req
66. I've been experimenting
with, uh, humorCopy !req
67. to drain energy.Copy !req
68. Which reminds me,
does anyone hereCopy !req
69. have any updog?Copy !req
70. Updog?Copy !req
71. If I didn't know
what updog was,Copy !req
72. I would at least ask-ask me.Copy !req
73. Hey, everybody, look at
my enormous crystal balls.Copy !req
74. Maybe these ghosts will
bring with them some updog.Copy !req
75. Guillermo, did you get my joke
about my enormous balls?Copy !req
76. - I did, Master.
- NADJA: Silence!Copy !req
77. The time is nigh.Copy !req
78. Everybody join hands.Copy !req
79. Sorry if my hands are
a little oily.Copy !req
80. It's from my rash cream.Copy !req
81. Troubled spirits,
draw ye near.Copy !req
82. Uncloak yourselves
and reveal to us your formsCopy !req
83. on this terrestrial plane.Copy !req
84. I beseech you,
using the ancient words.Copy !req
85. 'Eye' tis ka layCopy !req
86. ksenikon e patroion,
e pakouston e foraton e keye,Copy !req
87. kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'Copy !req
88. apokatharet-eye.Copy !req
89. Mm...Copy !req
90. - Guillermo, did you make a fart?
- No.Copy !req
91. I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.Copy !req
92. Silence!Copy !req
93. A spirit is struggling
to be heard.Copy !req
94. Is it maybe a spirit
who's struggling with IBS?Copy !req
95. You have ruined
the energy of the séanceCopy !req
96. with your toilet potty
poo-poo-mouth humor!Copy !req
97. And a price will be paid.
You fools!Copy !req
98. Nadja, we were only joking.Copy !req
99. Idiots.Copy !req
100. Oh, yes.Copy !req
101. Jeff... Jesk.Copy !req
102. So you are a ghost now, yes?Copy !req
103. My Nadja.Copy !req
104. For an eternity,
I have longed to hearCopy !req
105. your sweet, angelic voice
say my name again.Copy !req
106. Well, it's only been a few
months since you died,Copy !req
107. but that's...
Thank you, very nice.Copy !req
108. I have missed you so.Copy !req
109. Sorry, can I just stop you?Copy !req
110. It's really weird
with you down there.Copy !req
111. If you could—
Sorry, the head.Copy !req
112. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
113. - Put it back on the neck.
Sorry, it's just...
- Right, right, right, right.Copy !req
114. - Duh. Ew.
- Ugh.Copy !req
115. This is better, huh?Copy !req
116. So much better.Copy !req
117. - Thanks.
- So, Jesk, what can I...Copy !req
118. Um, sorry for not taking you
seriously, my darling.Copy !req
119. And what do you
think about it now?Copy !req
120. What do I think about what?Copy !req
121. Jesk, say something.Copy !req
122. Hey, thanks for
cutting my head off.Copy !req
123. - Again. You dick.
- NADJA: Now, now.Copy !req
124. He was just doing
his husbandly duties.Copy !req
125. Who are you talking to,
my darling?Copy !req
126. Can't you see him?Copy !req
127. There's nobody there, my dear.
Are you okay?Copy !req
128. - He's sitting right there.
- There's no one there.Copy !req
129. - But he's...
- I'll, uh,Copy !req
130. just go back inside
and leave youCopy !req
131. to, uh, talking to the air.Copy !req
132. Shit.Copy !req
133. Nandor!Copy !req
134. - There's a fucking ghost
on the front lawn.
- What?Copy !req
135. - Not you, too.
- I couldn't believe it myself.Copy !req
136. But what mine own eyes have
seen, mine own eyes have seen.Copy !req
137. I pretended I couldn't see it,Copy !req
138. which will give us
the element of surprise.Copy !req
139. - Okay. Okay.
- We must act quickly.Copy !req
140. Take the large one.Copy !req
141. Yes, good idea.Copy !req
142. Yeah, that's better.Copy !req
143. Right, where's this
fucking ghost?Copy !req
144. ghost stuff.Copy !req
145. Aah! Get ready to swallow
my sword!Copy !req
146. But it's... What the fuck?Copy !req
147. Whoa, shit.Copy !req
148. - That's wild.
- Thank you!Copy !req
149. - So, this...
- You need to keep
your voice down, otherwiseCopy !req
150. - that thing will hear us.
- I can hear you.Copy !req
151. Now look what you've done.Copy !req
152. - What is this gloopy shit?
- Huh.Copy !req
153. Looks like ectoplasm.Copy !req
154. - Is that right?
- I guess so.Copy !req
155. - Is there any in my hair?
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
156. Guillermo, tissue, please.Copy !req
157. - COLIN: Quite a bit.
- NANDOR: Fucking guy.Copy !req
158. That thing needs to be gone.Copy !req
159. He's not going to hurt us.Copy !req
160. - You're not going
to hurt them, right?
- No.Copy !req
161. I'm not gonna hurt you guys.Copy !req
162. - I'm just here
to scare you guys.
- LASZLO: Bollocks.Copy !req
163. - Well, we're not scared.
- You should be scared of us.Copy !req
164. - NADJA: Calm down.
- Really?Copy !req
165. How about now?Copy !req
166. - Been there, done that.
- JEFF: How about now?Copy !req
167. Cut it out!Copy !req
168. - Would you stop it!Copy !req
169. Pardon me, ghost.Copy !req
170. Later, man.
It was nice meeting you.Copy !req
171. So here's the situation.Copy !req
172. Every time my human ex-lover
is reincarnated,Copy !req
173. our bodies call to one another.Copy !req
174. But without a body,
he's all Jesk and no Gregor.Copy !req
175. And it stinks.Copy !req
176. My unfinished business,
how it torments me.Copy !req
177. - Please, help me complete it
so I may leave this plane.
- Sure.Copy !req
178. But what, exactly,
do you want me to do?Copy !req
179. Just, like, swear that
you'll help me...Copy !req
180. Do what? No.
I don't have time for this.Copy !req
181. My husband is shitting himself
down the road.Copy !req
182. All right, all right.
I love you.Copy !req
183. - And a little to the left.Copy !req
184. - It sort of looks like updog.Copy !req
185. These ghosts, what are they?Copy !req
186. Humans have bodies.Copy !req
187. And within the body
resides the spirit.Copy !req
188. When the human dies,
the spirit is released.Copy !req
189. And that spirit is a ghost!Copy !req
190. We are all dead, technically.Copy !req
191. You, me and Laszlo.Copy !req
192. Each of us died
when we became vampires.Copy !req
193. Colin Robinson
I'm not so sure about.Copy !req
194. But the three of us.Copy !req
195. Yeah, I'm not positive
what my deal is either,Copy !req
196. so I just sort of
keep on truckin'.Copy !req
197. But what is the point?Copy !req
198. If we are technically dead,
like he says,Copy !req
199. could ghosts of us exist?Copy !req
200. No, but—Copy !req
201. Huh.Copy !req
202. - Hmm.
- Hmm.Copy !req
203. Huh...Copy !req
204. - Not now.
- Shut up.Copy !req
205. Hootorektas e-'pay' k-elasteroCopy !req
206. kath-eye-resthoCopy !req
207. hon-'pear' hootorektasCopy !req
208. e-'pay' k-elastero
apokatharet-eye.Copy !req
209. Ooh, what the blazes?Copy !req
210. - Where am I?
- NADJA: Bloody hell.Copy !req
211. - That looks like me.
- What have you done?Copy !req
212. Get off me.Copy !req
213. Be quiet.Copy !req
214. Laszlo, he's wearing
your old night skirt.Copy !req
215. He is. Got nothing underneath it
by the looks of it.Copy !req
216. It's like looking in the mirror.Copy !req
217. So handsome.Copy !req
218. I didn't even knowCopy !req
219. I had any unfinished business
when I died.Copy !req
220. But, as you can see,Copy !req
221. I have a ghost,Copy !req
222. so there must be something.Copy !req
223. Guillermo, can you help him
with that, please?Copy !req
224. - He seems very agitated
and restless.Copy !req
225. And also, he doesn't seem
to speak any English.Copy !req
226. Excuse me.Copy !req
227. I can't believe
I've completely forgottenCopy !req
228. how to speak
Al Qolnidarese.Copy !req
229. My own language.
So embarrassing.Copy !req
230. Guillermo, what is he saying?Copy !req
231. How-how would I know?Copy !req
232. I do remember how to say
"Good morning," though.Copy !req
233. Aspam...Copy !req
234. Sob bekher.Copy !req
235. Baleh?Copy !req
236. Sob bekher.Copy !req
237. Yeah, no, that's all I've got.Copy !req
238. Aspam oonjahss.Copy !req
239. You could have learned
to play the bouzouki,Copy !req
240. you could have learned
to play the zither,Copy !req
241. you could have warmed six
million flatbreads on hot coals.Copy !req
242. You could have done
one thousand thingsCopy !req
243. a one thousand times,
but what have you done?Copy !req
244. Well, I have some things I've
been planning on getting to.Copy !req
245. Maláka! All you do
is sit around this houseCopy !req
246. with these two dumb men
just talkingCopy !req
247. about their willies
and their arseholes.Copy !req
248. I wouldn't call them dumb.Copy !req
249. - And their farts.
- Whatever.Copy !req
250. Enough about me. What about you?Copy !req
251. How can I help you finish
your unfinished business?Copy !req
252. Oh...Copy !req
253. You are my unfinished business.Copy !req
254. How can I rest
until you do somethingCopy !req
255. with your eternal life?Copy !req
256. Instead of sitting around here
like a bump on a log's ass.Copy !req
257. What? Like, learning
to play the bouzouki?Copy !req
258. - That might be a start! Ugh...
- Oh...Copy !req
259. you are absolutely
impossible.Copy !req
260. - I am like...Copy !req
261. We said exactly the same...Copy !req
262. We did the same with the words.Copy !req
263. Oh, come on.Copy !req
264. Hey. I was, uh, just giving you
an update on my, um...Copy !req
265. unfinished business?Copy !req
266. It remains unfinished.Copy !req
267. - So, if you have...
- All right, not now, Jesk.Copy !req
268. Yeah, okay.Copy !req
269. Who was that pasty
little piece of hummus?Copy !req
270. I'm telling you,
don't even go there, girly.Copy !req
271. Nothing but a pain
and the heartache.Copy !req
272. Sounds like somebody
has gone thereCopy !req
273. - and then come back from there.Copy !req
274. Well, what can I say?Copy !req
275. I'm a ravenous little monster.Copy !req
276. We both are.
We're very, very horny.Copy !req
277. I bagged this chap on a midnight
sojourn to the Lake District.Copy !req
278. - Keswick?
- Grasmere, actually.Copy !req
279. Grasmere, yeah, I used to visit
a duchess in Grasmere.Copy !req
280. - Yes, I remember.
- Yes, of course you do.Copy !req
281. Now I am led to believe that
your presence here indicatesCopy !req
282. some kind of unfinished business
on this terrestrial plane.Copy !req
283. - Indeed so.
- Sorry about that, old chap.Copy !req
284. - Anything I can help with?
- Well, actually, yes.Copy !req
285. I believe you can.Copy !req
286. You remember the night
you officially died, I presume?Copy !req
287. Oh, I remember it well.Copy !req
288. My lovely Nadja came in through
the window, took my life,Copy !req
289. thus making me the vampire
you see before you now.Copy !req
290. A damn handsome one at that,
I might say.Copy !req
291. You're too kind.Copy !req
292. Now, you remember the precise
moment Nadja took our life,Copy !req
293. I was on the verge
of a sexual climax.Copy !req
294. Well, here's the thing. I was
on the verge of fulfillment,Copy !req
295. yet I couldn't quite finish.Copy !req
296. Ah. I see.Copy !req
297. You want to finish
your final human orgasm?Copy !req
298. Yes. I have tried to finish
myself off with these hands,Copy !req
299. but they're ghost hands.Copy !req
300. - They don't have
the necessary stimulus.
- Hmm.Copy !req
301. How irritating.Copy !req
302. Yeah, whereas your meat hands,
I'm convinced,Copy !req
303. would give me the traction
for full sexual release.Copy !req
304. Things are not going so great.Copy !req
305. The language barrier
is insurmountable.Copy !req
306. Een khar asan zabooneh
khodesham yadesh nist.Copy !req
307. Khejahlatam khoob chisiyeh.Copy !req
308. Evah.Copy !req
309. Aspam oonjahss.Copy !req
310. You want to learn how to paint?Copy !req
311. Nah. Aspam.Copy !req
312. Aspam John.Copy !req
313. Yes, my horse John.Copy !req
314. John.Copy !req
315. Yes.Copy !req
316. I get it now.Copy !req
317. Aspam John.Copy !req
318. Areh. Aspam John.Copy !req
319. Aspam means "my horse."Copy !req
320. John.Copy !req
321. John was my closest companion.Copy !req
322. Closer than even members
of my own family.Copy !req
323. House slaves, concubines,Copy !req
324. 37 wives.Copy !req
325. Sometimes I would feed him nuts
and berries from my own mouth.Copy !req
326. He would accompany me
everywhere.Copy !req
327. On the battlefield,Copy !req
328. as I relentlessly slaughtered
thousands of enemies.Copy !req
329. And also, he would be there
when I felt a little sad.Copy !req
330. John.Copy !req
331. We have decided that my ghostCopy !req
332. is going to stick around
for a while.Copy !req
333. Because we're having
a real laugh together.Copy !req
334. A very funny hat situation.Copy !req
335. Two. One and two.Copy !req
336. - You know, it is just so niceCopy !req
337. to have someone smart
to talk to for a change.Copy !req
338. I love Laszlo, I do,
but it's always...Copy !req
339. - Of course.
"Ah, darling, I seemCopy !req
340. "to have got my crotch stuckCopy !req
341. - to the taxidermy fox's mouth
again. Whoopsie."
- So desperate.Copy !req
342. You know?
And Nandor is just like,Copy !req
343. "Oh,
this battle and that battle."Copy !req
344. So much toxic masculinity
in the Ottoman Empire.Copy !req
345. - Serious. Real problem.
- It is a lot meCopy !req
346. sitting there silently,
nodding and smiling politelyCopy !req
347. and not a lot of plain talk.Copy !req
348. Until this one came along.Copy !req
349. Oh. Hang on.Copy !req
350. Ooh.Copy !req
351. - You know,
that could be perfect.
- Do you like?Copy !req
352. - I love.
- Okay, so do we need
to do any sortCopy !req
353. of occult procedure
or ceremony or...Copy !req
354. Ah. It was that easy.Copy !req
355. Oh, yes. Yes,
this will do nicely.Copy !req
356. - Oh, shh. Shh, shh.Copy !req
357. No more talking.
I don't want the boys to knowCopy !req
358. that you have taken a new form.Copy !req
359. I don't think
they would understand.Copy !req
360. - JEFF: Hey, Nadja?Copy !req
361. My unfinished business, please?Copy !req
362. Gregor, please, just fuck off
for real this time.Copy !req
363. Listen, will you at least
hear my tales of woe?Copy !req
364. I want to tell you about them,
I need to tell you about them.Copy !req
365. Jesk, you are very sweet,Copy !req
366. but you're not
my responsibility anymore.Copy !req
367. Jesk, I think you need
to hear this.Copy !req
368. You are just a lovely guy that
I took very strong sex withCopy !req
369. a few hundred thousand times,Copy !req
370. and then my husband
cut your head off. Move on!Copy !req
371. So you have been busy
these past 700 years.Copy !req
372. So you want me to go?Copy !req
373. - Go!
- All right, all right.Copy !req
374. Oh, he's so pathetic.Copy !req
375. I love it.Copy !req
376. Seriously. Call me.Copy !req
377. Jesk!Copy !req
378. - Mm-hmm.
- GHOST NADJA:
See you again soon,Copy !req
379. you tasty little honeypot.Copy !req
380. Tonne a'otonne-troponCopy !req
381. kathi-restao.Copy !req
382. Hon-pear apokatharet-eye.Copy !req
383. Yuck.Copy !req
384. - Aspam John.
- John.Copy !req
385. John?Copy !req
386. I have missed you so.Copy !req
387. I never thought I would
see you again.Copy !req
388. John and I were
inseparable, but, uh,Copy !req
389. eventually, I had to eat him.Copy !req
390. My army and myself found
ourselves strandedCopy !req
391. with no food.Copy !req
392. I ate John.Copy !req
393. I wept the entire meal...Copy !req
394. even though
he tasted delicious.Copy !req
395. Been a good boy, yes?Copy !req
396. John? What is happening?Copy !req
397. - Where are they going?
- COLIN: I think your ghost'sCopy !req
398. unfinished business is thatCopy !req
399. he wanted to be reunited
with your guys's horse.Copy !req
400. - John.
- GHOST NANDOR: John.Copy !req
401. Right. And now that
you've reunited them,Copy !req
402. they can move on from this world
to the afterlife.Copy !req
403. Farewell, John.Copy !req
404. Perhaps we will be
reunited againCopy !req
405. in the hereafter.Copy !req
406. Sob bekher.Copy !req
407. Yes. Good morning to you, too,
my friend.Copy !req
408. Good morning to you both.Copy !req
409. Mm...Copy !req
410. There, there.Copy !req
411. Hug?Copy !req
412. I think
you just need a little updog.Copy !req
413. Can we go get some now?Copy !req
414. Interesting choice
for the walls.Copy !req
415. It's not how I would do it.Copy !req
416. - NADJA: Hello, darling.
- Hello, my darling.Copy !req
417. - What have you got there?
- Oh...Copy !req
418. Nothing, really, just a little
dolly I thought mightCopy !req
419. - cuten up the place.
- What a charming addition.Copy !req
420. So, where is your ghost?Copy !req
421. Oh, he, uh, he's moved on,Copy !req
422. to the next world.Copy !req
423. Did you helped him finish
his unfinished business?Copy !req
424. - Yes.
- Good.Copy !req
425. - I'm gonna show her around.
- Ah, ha, ha.Copy !req
426. - Ugh, what is all this
sticky stuff?Copy !req
427. Oh, it-it's everywhere.Copy !req
428. Is it ghost ectoplasm?Copy !req
429. Yes, my darling.
That's exactly what it is.Copy !req
430. - Ghost ectoplasm.Copy !req
431. Hon-pear hootorektas e-payCopy !req
432. k-elastero apokatharet-eye.Copy !req
433. - Colin.
- Hi, Grandma.Copy !req
434. You are such a big boy now.Copy !req
435. And even more handsome.Copy !req
436. It's probably because I have
so much updog.Copy !req
437. What's updog?Copy !req
438. Nothing much, dog,
what's up with you?Copy !req
439. - Oh, Colin.Copy !req
440. You are such a stitch.Copy !req
441. - All right, then.
- So tell me, how is your life?Copy !req
442. I have missed so much.Copy !req
443. Uh, Grandma, I'm gonna be
honest, I'm pretty busyCopy !req
444. right now, so maybe we can
catch up another time.Copy !req
445. But there's so much
I want to ask you about.Copy !req
446. - Okay, got to go.
- Oh...Copy !req
447. Later.Copy !req
448. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.orgCopy !req