1. So, yes,
it has been quite a summer.
Copy !req
2. - We finally got a new familiar.
- Yeah.
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3. - But he had an accident
and died.
- Yeah.
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4. - Left a bit. Left a bit more.
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5. It's not even.
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6. Ooh. Shit.
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7. So we found another one
and she had an accident
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8. and she died.
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9. - Oh, fuck.
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10. I had what is known
as a summer of self-discovery.
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11. I was being a vapor
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12. and I got sucked
into an air purifier.
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13. But apart from that,
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14. pretty slow summer.
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15. And then the same thing
happened with the next one.
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16. I spent so much time at the DMV
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17. they finally just
gave me a license.
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18. I did what any young,
handsome man would do,
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19. I went and bought
a classic convertible,
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20. put the top down,
blasted some tunes and, uh,
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21. I blocked the entrance
to the Lincoln Tunnel.
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22. - This is gonna ruin
my day, too, you know.
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23. - And then the next one.
- Yep.
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24. We've been through about six—
no, seven familiars this year.
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25. - Seven?
- Yeah, remember Joey?
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26. No, my dear,
I'm not that familiar.
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27. No, don't you remember?
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28. His intestines came
straight out of his bum.
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29. - Oh, Joey. Yeah, yeah.
- Mm.
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30. Not much new with me.
I've been spending
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31. a lot more time
in the upstairs bathroom.
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32. But besides that, my summer's
been pretty mellow and— Ooh.
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33. - There's this little guy.
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34. Here. I've been trying to make
friends with him all summer.
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35. Don't be afraid. Come on in.
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36. Oh, sh...
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37. That's the tenth vampire
I killed this month.
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38. These vampire assassins
keep trying to kill
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39. Nandor, Nadja and Laszlo
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40. ever since they escaped
from the Vampiric Council.
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41. I'm doing it
to protect my master.
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42. But I can't tell him
I'm a vampire killer,
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43. because then he'd have
to kill me.
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44. Guillermo, what are you doing?
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45. - Dusting.
- Well, can you dust
more quietly please?
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46. - I'm trying to sleep.
- Okay.
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47. I haven't slept in 72 hours.
I've been eating
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48. these chocolate-covered
espresso beans.
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49. They give you enough pep
just to keep going
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50. and just keep going, going,
going and pretend...
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51. - Ah!
- NANDOR: Guillermo?
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52. Someone's in here!
Please don't open the door.
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53. Did you make
a messy toilet again?
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54. I-I did. I-I had an accident.
Whoopsie.
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55. - Well, actually,
I just wanted to...
- No, Master, don't open...
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56. Oh, Guillermo.
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57. You should really
drink more water.
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58. Anyway, that is all in the past,
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59. because we have finally
found us a good one.
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60. Topher, come in here!
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61. - Look at this.
- Tophie!
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62. Your skull polish, madam.
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63. - I'll be right outside.
- There he goes.
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64. Take care of business. Ooh.
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65. Topher is an absolutely
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66. "Bob's your money"
spectacular familiar.
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67. And his résumé
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68. is impeccable.
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69. It is. He is proficient
in Excel.
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70. And went to Lehigh.
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71. Now, my wife and I
have not a whore's notion
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72. what any of that means.
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73. - But we like it.
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74. Need any help with that,
G-Money?
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75. Nah, I got it.
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76. It's like my father used to say.
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77. "Never accept a towel
from an Italian."
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78. - Yeah. Topher.
- Very true, darling.
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79. - Master.
- Watching you stretch
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80. your young body
across that fireplace,
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81. - you know who you remind me of?
- Who, Master?
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82. - Me.
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83. - Bring it in.
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84. - You're the best.
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85. - NANDOR: Guillermo! Guillermo!
- Y-Yes, Master?
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86. Yes?
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87. I dragged my cape through
a street doo-doo again.
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88. I dragged it for three blocks
before I noticed
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89. and I'm embarrassed to say
I dragged it
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90. for another eight blocks
after that.
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91. - Why did you do that, Master?
- Well, I thought it would help,
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92. you know, drag the doo-doo off.
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93. - Anyway, take care of it please.
- TOPHER: Hey, uh,
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94. - you want me to fly in
with the assist?
- NANDOR: No!
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95. That actually
is a-a lot of shit on it.
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96. This is a good solo job
for Guillermo.
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97. But thank you for the hustle,
Topherino!
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98. - TOPHER: Look out.
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99. - Hustle...?
- I don't think so.
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100. - NANDOR:
It looks fantastic in here.
- LASZLO: Doesn't it?
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101. - I could watch him clean
all day.
- NANDOR: Yes.
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102. All right, I'm glad
to hear you say that.
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103. Uh-huh.
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104. All right.
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105. All right! Bye, Bobby.
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106. It's my little side hustle.
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107. I'm a 0.5 percent owner in this
dope new line of hard ciders.
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108. - It's called Doze Apples
Hard Cider.
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109. That's clever, 'cause it—
they're made with apples.
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110. Apple flavoring,
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111. - we have to say.
- Do Laszlo and Nadja
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112. - know about this?
- Eh.
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113. What they don't know
can't hurt them.
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114. - Am I right? High five.
- I...
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115. - Come on, dawg.
Don't leave me hanging.
- I don't know. Just...
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116. - With our job...
- Dawg. Don't leave me
hanging, dawg.
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117. - And we're just...
- Dawg. Don't leave me hang...
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118. - I just think that...
- No, give me a better one, dawg.
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119. - I just think...
- Again, high five!
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120. Oh, yeah. High five.
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121. I feel like there's a way
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122. to be cool— which you are,
you're very cool...
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123. - Thank you.
- ... and also, respectful,
you know?
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124. You need to let them know
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125. that you are worthy of being
turned into a vampire someday.
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126. - Which is why we're here.
- To be honest,
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127. I don't really care
about being a vampire.
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128. I'm sorry, what?
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129. Yeah, yeah,
I was very surprised
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130. that Topher does not
want to be a vampire.
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131. Who doesn't
want to be a vampire?
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132. What are you doing
if you don't...
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133. - What-what do you want to be?
- TOPHER: I don't know.
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134. Maybe a warlock.
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135. - That'd be cool.
- That would be cool.
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136. That's, like, above vampire.
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137. Alla-kazoom!
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138. And it would explode
or something.
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139. He's still learning.
He's still finding himself.
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140. He'll get there.
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141. So, these are like money.
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142. You go to any store that sells
Doze Apples Hard Cider,
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143. pay for the cider
with real money, but then,
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144. you mail in this card to
the address there on the back.
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145. And I can explain
this whole process
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146. as I'm handing these out?
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147. Oh, yeah.
Sometimes more than once.
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148. - You know, if you want,
you can drain me right now.
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149. I'm, like, firing on all
four cylinders, you know?
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150. You can crunch up as much as you
want. I can make some more.
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151. I— Yeah, I want to, Topher,
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152. but I'm having a pickle
of a time draining you.
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153. I know. I'm sorry, Mr. Robinson.
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154. - Like, I know
you're trying to bore me—
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155. - Hang on.
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156. Come on in.
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157. The stuff that you tell me
is just so interesting.
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158. You know?
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159. Sue me.
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160. - Who was at the door?
- I don't know.
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161. Unbelievable. Topher?
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162. Topher, did you happen to let
two vampires into the house?
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163. - Hey, hang on, dawg.
- Look, there's a couple rules
you need to follow.
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164. - I know you're new, okay, but...
- Sorry, just, uh,
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165. conferencing with this guy
I used to intern for,
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166. this dope werewolf—
You might know him, actually.
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167. First of all, werewolves are not
dope, so I wouldn't know him.
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168. - Uh, this guy's pretty dope.
- No.
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169. Look, I don't mean to be hard
on you, but it's important
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170. you follow the rules
for everyone's safety.
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171. Do me a favor and stay away
from the koi pond.
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172. I think there's an electrical
short from the heater, so just
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173. - stay away from it...
- Have you tried turning it
off and back on again?
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174. No, just don't touch it,
Topher, okay?
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175. - The electric guy's
gonna be here on Monday.
- Always works for me.
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176. So just leave it alone...
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177. Yeah. I'm sad that Topher died.
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178. Another familiar dead, you know?
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179. But... that's the business.
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180. I'm used to it.
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181. That's bad, right?
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182. Death comes for us all.
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183. It comes for the bees.
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184. It comes for the trees.
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185. It comes for, uh, basically
anyone from zero on up,
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186. so... one...
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187. Are you kidding?
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188. two, three, four.
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189. Put a cork in it,
Colin Robinson.
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190. - We're weak enough as it is.
- NANDOR: Perhaps there is
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191. - a familiar killer on the loose?
- NADJA: What?
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192. Well, I was just thinking,
you know,
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193. if there are vampire killers,
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194. then why not
familiar killers, also?
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195. There's no such thing as
vampire killers, you knob lord.
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196. - Well...
- What was that, Guillermo?
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197. I'm just saying
that it wouldn't hurt
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198. to be more cautious and alert.
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199. Enough of this!
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200. This is horse piss.
We are vampires.
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201. We can do better
than this for our Topher.
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202. Guillermo, dig him up.
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203. Yes.
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204. Please be respectful of his mud.
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205. A necromancer is someone
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206. who can reanimate the dead.
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207. It's a truly fantastical part
of the dark arts.
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208. And I happen to have
a very good old pal
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209. - Wallace...
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210. who is excellently proficient
in the art of necromancy.
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211. No, he's excellent, at the dark
art of ripping you off.
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212. - These people are shysters.
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213. They're obsessed
with the upsell.
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214. I'm sure his hut
is around here somewhere.
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215. It's a classic necromancer scam.
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216. "Meet me at my hut."
What bloody hut?
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217. There it is. I'm certain of it.
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218. Look at all those pale,
desperate wretches
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219. scurrying around
in the moonlight.
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220. It's a performing arts school.
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221. Hey, a high school production
of Thornton Wilder's
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222. Our Town with a Q and A
afterwards.
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223. - Don't mind if I do. Yum, yum.
- WALLACE: You seek
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224. the necromancer?
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225. What the...?
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226. I am they.
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227. Hello, Wallace!
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228. Come on, everyone!
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229. - WALLACE: I've got a lovely pot
of stew if anyone's hungry.
- LASZLO: No.
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230. - I see you admiring my wares.
Anything tickle your fancy?
- No.
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231. - NADJA: Hush.
- These bracelets
ward off the evil eye.
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232. - NADJA: Ooh. Ooh.
- This one attracts the evil eye.
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233. - And this one increases
sexual stamina. Yeah.
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234. You could do with a leg up.
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235. - And these are key chains
that look like license plates.
- NADJA: Uh-huh.
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236. Look, mister,
we are not interested
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237. in your tricks and trinkets.
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238. This one would make a cute gift
for a man named Steve.
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239. Yes, yes, yes, but, Wallace,
what we are here for
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240. is we were hoping
you could reanimate
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241. our beloved familiar Topher.
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242. Yes, uh, how long
has he been dead?
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243. - Huh?
- Oh, that is Guillermo.
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244. He is not dead, although
sometimes we wish he was.
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245. Just a little joke there,
Guillermo,
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246. I got it.
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247. All right, so, uh,
where's the carcass?
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248. Yes. Guillermo,
fetch the carcass.
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249. - The what?
- The carcass.
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250. - The cadaver, man.
- I'll go get the body.
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251. What was that?
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252. I'll go get the carcass.
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253. Better.
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254. And did you bring a personal
item belonging to the deceased?
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255. Uh, yes, uh, his mini-fridge.
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256. Uh, Guillermo, you did
bring the mini-fridge, yeah?
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257. He absolutely loved
this cold, white little box.
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258. And the foot of a deranged cat,
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259. the night-thistle,
the parcel of wolf's-bane
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260. and the $350 cash?
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261. - Thank you.
- It's all there,
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262. razzle-dazzle man.
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263. Good, good.
I can't stress enough
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264. the $350 cash.
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265. - Yeah, I'll bet you can't.
- Otherwise,
the spells don't work.
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266. Wallace,
do you think we are going to get
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267. - our beloved Topher back?
- Well, he seems well preserved.
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268. Everything seems to want to...
seems to be intact.
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269. He hasn't had that, uh,
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270. intestines out of the asshole,
has he?
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271. - No, no.
- Good,
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272. 'cause that really yucks me out.
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273. Right, then, here we go.
Hold on to your hats.
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274. Yes! You're alive!
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275. You can jive!
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276. Your spirit rise!
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277. - ♪♪ Yah! ♪♪
- Is he scatting?
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278. No, of course not.
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279. - This is bullshit.
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280. Shut up.
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281. - Oh-pah!
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282. - Zombra, zombra, zombra.
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283. Zambra, zombra.
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284. Why is he looking at his phone?
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285. It probably just can't wait.
It's an emergency.
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286. Z-Zombra, zambra,
zombra, zombra, zombra.
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287. Zombarisa...
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288. Hai! Hai! Hai!
Hai, hai, hai!
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289. Ba-boom!
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290. - Oh!
- Ew!
- Get in, you bastard!
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291. The end.
I have achieved reanimation.
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292. Your beloved familiar
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293. will return to you tomorrow.
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294. - Tomorrow?
- Life takes time, my friend.
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295. We are reversing the very power
of nature itself.
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296. But there's
a-a quickening ritual,
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297. if you want
to chivvy things along.
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298. As we're all friends,
I could do it for a hundy.
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299. - No, you bloody won't.
We're not interested.
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300. Thank you so very much, Wallace.
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301. Zappidee-doo.
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302. Everything is back to normal,
because our Topher is back!
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303. It's true.
I've got to admit,
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304. Wallace, as contemptible
a man as he is,
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305. - actually came up trumps.
- Told you so.
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306. You fucking didn't.
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307. Don't tell Guillermo, but...
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308. I'm so happy Topher is back.
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309. All right,
let us begin with the minutes.
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310. I am here.
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311. Guillermo, you are there.
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312. And, um...
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313. To-pher!
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314. Oh, Tophie!
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315. And there is Topher.
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316. Wonderful.
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317. We are all here.
We can begin.
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318. Firstly—
and I'm not naming names—
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319. but I have recently noticed
that the house reeks
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320. of decaying flesh, and there are
dead birds everywhere.
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321. Topher!
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322. As I say, I'm not naming names.
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323. But if we do have an issue,
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324. then it's important
that we all work together
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325. to let Guillermo know,
so that he can fix it.
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326. Doze Apples!
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327. Off he goes.
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328. That chap's tireless, isn't he?
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329. You could learn something
from Topher, no, Guillermo?
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330. I actually have an order
of business I'd like to discuss.
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331. - Oh...
- NANDOR: Okay.
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332. - The floor is yours.
- I'm a little bit concerned
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333. about Topher.
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334. I think there might be
something
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335. - really wrong with him.
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336. - Topher! Aah!
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337. - He waits under my bed
and tries to bite me, for one.
- NANDOR: Yes.
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338. He eats live birds and insects.
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339. I think, I think
he might be a zombie.
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340. That, my boy,
sounds like slander.
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341. Nandor, what are you going to do
about the state of the muck
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342. - pouring out of his mouth?
- Guillermo,
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343. do you have any proof
of this wild accusation?
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344. - Aah!
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345. Well, do you?
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346. He's not well!
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347. - He's freaking out.
- Yes!
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348. He's gonna eat me!
¡Dios mío!
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349. Well, now he's
speaking in tongues.
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350. That is awful of you
to call Topher
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351. those things you just did.
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352. Exactly.
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353. Guillermo, have you
been getting enough sleep?
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354. No. No,
I am not getting anysleep!
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355. I haven't slept
in the last two weeks,
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356. because I have to keep one eye
open to protect you guys!
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357. - Protect us from what?
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358. Nothing.
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359. I just wish you guys knew
how hard I work for you,
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360. and you don't, so that's okay,
never mind, forget it.
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361. Did you see that?
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362. - He was eating
his own dry poops.
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363. The vampire assassins
usually come at night,
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364. so I have to constantly survey
the perimeter.
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365. Topher!
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366. Topher? No, no, no, no, no, no!
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367. I don't wanna die, I don't
wanna die, I don't wanna...
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368. Sorry. Sorry.
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369. Why...?
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370. Sorry, buddy,
but you were trying to kill me.
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371. High five.
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372. I don't know, bud.
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373. - Come on!
- Okay. All right.
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374. - Aw, shit.
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375. - Why?
- Sorry, Toph.
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376. See, that's why
I didn't want to do that.
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377. - Toph.
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378. No, buddy, I don't think it's
gonna go back on there, bud.
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379. High five!
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380. No, I'm not gonna
high-five you anymore.
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381. High five!
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382. Ow, Toph! That really hurt!
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383. - High five!
- Stop it, you...
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384. You're being really rude
right now!
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385. - Stop it! Stop it!
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386. Stop it, Topher.
Stop it, Topher!
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387. - Stop it, Topher!
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388. Aw, fuck no!
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389. No one bites Guillermo!
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390. It was an accident.
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391. All right, dudes,
I'm headed out.
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392. Going up to Albany to catch
a community theater production
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393. of Pippin.
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394. What's going on with,
uh, Toph-Dawg?
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395. I think he's a zombie.
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396. Yeah, could be.
Copy !req
397. - See you guys later.
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398. You goofballs.
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399. No!
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400. Why won't you die?
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401. Stop it! Stop it!
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402. Ow!
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403. Jesus fucking...!
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404. Topher!
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405. Guillermo!
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406. Master...
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407. you saved me.
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408. Thank you.
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409. Your screaming disturbed me
from my slumber.
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410. You shouldn't be putting
your head in there.
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411. It's not hygienic.
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412. If you want to wash yourself,
do it in...
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413. Will you stop that!
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414. - I've had enough of this.
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415. He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
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416. - But what is done is done.
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417. This fuckin' guy.
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418. He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
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419. But what is done is done.
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420. Are you kidding me with this
right now?
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421. Just give him a few jolts.
I'll be fine.
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422. He was a good familiar
and a fine fellow.
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423. Kind of tickles.
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424. You conned us,
you slippery bastard!
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425. Wallace,
how could you do this to us?
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426. Yeah, plus, he was crawling
on the ceiling, which is odd.
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427. - Well, he didn't do that before?
- NADJA: Of course not!
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428. Well, okay, I must have used
the wrong incantation spell.
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429. But you know what?
No extra charge.
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430. - Bullshit! You made it up
as you were going along.
- No, no, no, no,
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431. that was word-for-word verbatim.
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432. No. You were bloody texting
on your phone the whole time!
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433. It was an Amber Alert.
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434. Well, I did think
it was important.
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435. He is damaged goods,
and we demand satisfaction!
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436. - Not cool, Wallace, not cool.
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437. - Fine. Let me have him.
- What, do you think
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438. I'm gonna let him go?
You must be out of your mind.
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439. Come here, boy.
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440. Come on, come on.
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441. That'll do, pig, that'll do.
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442. - Wow.
- All right,
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443. I don't normally do refunds,
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444. but I'll take him
off your hands for you.
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445. And for your trouble,
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446. each of you can grab
a license plate key chain.
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447. For free?
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448. Free. Gratis.
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449. Okay.
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450. Come on!
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451. - Oh. "Ingrid." Oh.
- NANDOR: I got...
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452. "Steve."
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453. So if you're watching, Steve...
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454. waiting for you.
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455. Ah.
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456. I got "Nadia," uh,
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457. which is my name,
but with a less exciting "J."
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458. Completely free.
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459. You don't have "Colin."
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460. We haven't sold any
since 1979, mate.
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461. But you have "Condom."
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462. Very, very popular.
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463. - Can I take one?
- Go for it.
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464. So I got...
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465. "Gigi."
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466. I guess that's better
than "Gizmo."
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467. Being a familiar
isn't for everyone.
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468. You're not always thanked
or praised.
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469. But after my master
saved my life,
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470. he proved to me that...
he really does care about me
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471. and all the things I do for him.
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472. And if one day
he doesn't, well...
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473. Here you go. Down there.
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474. That be slippy there, hang on.
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475. Here you go.
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476. Topher!
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477. Yep.
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478. Just uh, copy what they do,
you'll be fine.
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479. Doze Apples!
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480. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good.
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481. Be back to check on you
next year.
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482. Doze Apples.
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483. Yes, yes.
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484. Gigi.
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485. Condom.
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486. Topher!
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487. Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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