What We Do in the Shadows 1x9

1. Our home has been selected

2. to host

3. the bi-annual vampire orgy.

4. One time they tried going tri-annual.

5. Which is bloody pointless, 'cause it takes me

6. at least six months to recover from any orgy.

7. Yes, it does.

8. We're gonna have some fun.

9. Vampire sex is like pizza,

10. in that even when it's bad it's good.

11. It's designed to be enjoyed by eight or more people.

12. There's a choice of toppings.

13. And in the morning, you're like,

14. "Aah! Why do I have puncture wounds

15. on my penis?"

16. Vampire sex is a carnival of desires.

17. With pale bodies as far as the eye can see.

18. Fornicating, diddling, widdling, snarling.

19. An amazing experience

20. that can last years.

21. It's fine.

22. - So we need the blood fountain. - Okay, blood fountain.

23. And some real, pure opium. About ten kilos.

24. Where would I find that?

25. We need some sexy paintings for the walls.

26. I was thinking we replace this picture of us

27. with that lovely one where we were naked

28. - and we have cherries in our bums. - Yeah.

29. Can we get some sort of protective spray

30. to put all over the carpet?

31. Because Laszlo will spray all over the carpet.

32. What you don't understand is

33. the stigma attached to throwing a poor orgy.

34. I mean, I've known people who have committed suicide

35. after a poor orgy.

36. I wouldn't go that far.

37. I would kill you, though.

38. And then I'd kill myself.

39. There's no recovery from that humiliation.

40. I don't like to even speak of it, but the notorious orgy

41. - of 1937, well... - No, no, no, no, no, no.

42. Don't even say the year.

43. It was a lot of just very terrible chitchat.

44. I cannot even speak the name of the vampire

45. that organized that monstrosity.

46. I don't give a fuck. His name was Mike.

47. Fucking Mike.

48. Oh, and we need an ancient Burmese lingam and yoni set.

49. To be safe, get six.

50. Nadja, Laszlo, please.

51. Guillermo is my familiar,

52. only I can order him about.

53. Thank you, master.

54. Is there anything you need?

55. All the things they just said.

56. And absorbent towels. Lots of them.

57. I almost forgot.

58. Most important, we must, must, must

59. get a succulent virgin feast.

60. Well, about that— I've been meaning to tell you,

61. I seem to have, uh, overfished that...

62. - Did you write down the towels? - Yes.

63. You need to re-cover that chaise longue.

64. 'Cause I'll ejaculate straight through that.

65. My only concern about the orgy is, uh,

66. that people won't enjoy my room.

67. I've n-I've never had anyone in here.

68. I have a strobe light up.

69. And a couple speakers playing, uh,

70. some acid jazz.

71. What else? I have my, uh,

72. my trusty filing cabinet.

73. I always wanted one of these

74. when I was a child but never got one.

75. It was one of my first purchases.

76. I also stocked up on some Neosporin.

77. I have some paintings, some pictures.

78. I got this one because it shows human food,

79. and if I ever have a human in here,

80. they'll feel at home.

81. Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.

82. I-I'm-I'm really getting into it.

83. Obviously, the orgy standard

84. of having a mirrored ceiling

85. doesn't really work for vampires,

86. so we have developed our own way.

87. I don't... I... I don't know what you want me to say.

88. Just describe what you see.

89. Um...

90. Well, it's a beautiful scene. Someone is seductively riding,

91. uh, a candlestick up and down.

92. Someone's on the couch sucking and getting sucked.

93. - NADJA: Louder! - Sucking and...

94. Oh, geez...

95. No. I will not

96. be participating in the orgy, no.

97. Besides, I-I don't, uh, I don't kiss and tell.

98. But I can tell you,

99. is that, uh...

100. I don't kiss.

101. We need specifics.

102. What am I doing to my ass cheeks?

103. You are, uh, you're licking it...

104. Can you just describe what you see? It's not hard.

105. - Good boy, that's right. - Must be my birthday.

106. - I can't. I'm sorry. I was raised very Catholic.

107. - I need... I need a second. - NADJA: Okay.

108. - En garde, there. - GUILLERMO: It's just a lot of demanding things.

109. I mean, I'm not even, technically, their familiar.

110. They've just been asking me to do all kinds of stuff.

111. It's a pleasure swing, you fucknut, not a sex net.

112. That's the sex net. Get that out of the box

113. - and attach it to the ceiling. - GUILLERMO: "Gizmo,

114. get the dildos."

115. "Gizmo, try out the dildos."

116. "Mmm. How were the dildos?"

117. They're fine.

118. No one is a fucknut, okay?

119. He's trying to finish it, Laszlo.

120. And what about the virgins? Have you got any yet? No.

121. - Of course you haven't. - Um, but I'm just trying...

122. "But, but, but." You're like a nonstop but machine.

123. That reminds me, have you ordered

124. - the nonstop butt machine? - You know what?

125. I'm gonna take five minutes

126. before I say something I'm gonna regret.

127. - Oh! - Easy there.

128. Eh... Slam the door.

129. You gonna let him get away with that?

130. He's gone, he's gotten away with it.

131. And it is unacceptable.

132. I will talk to him.

133. - NANDOR: Knock, knock. - Oh. Good evening, master.

134. - Is there something you need? - No, no.

135. Just coming in for a chat.

136. I noticed that Nadja and Laszlo

137. have been quite pushy with you with all the orgy planning.

138. - Oh, it's okay, it's not a big deal, master. - No, it is a big deal.

139. And they locked you in this closet?

140. This is my room.

141. I pay $1,200 a month.

142. Oh.

143. If I find I am in a situation

144. where an idiot is complaining to me,

145. you can either kill them

146. or you can pretend to listening to them.

147. So what you're saying is that

148. your feelings have been hurt.

149. Well, kinda.

150. Talk about that.

151. Oh, okay. Um... Well,

152. - I just feel that sometimes... - Yes, yes.

153. I feel that I have... People aren't listening to me

154. - when I speak. - Yes, yes, tell me more.

155. And they just tell me "yes," and they don't really listen

156. - to what I'm saying. - Yes. Really speak from the heart.

157. When I speak from the heart, I feel like no one's really...

158. And now that bit is done.

159. Orgy stuff. A few of my favorite things, as they say.

160. The cat o' nine tails.

161. Oliver Cromwell's head.

162. My codpiece. Bat codpiece.

163. 200-year-old peekaboo cape,

164. the idea being you walk into the orgy,

165. you announce yourself...

166. and then do that.

167. Oh!

168. Oh, yes!

169. You wait till my good lady wife sees this.

170. In the late 1800s,

171. a new and exciting medium was invented,

172. and that medium was called "cinema."

173. And then, about a week later,

174. that developed into pornos.

175. Now, the first porno film I ever made

176. was called The Adventures of a Very Randy Vampire.

177. And I played the leading role

178. of the very randy vampire.

179. I was cast because they thought

180. that I looked like a vampire,

181. never once realizing

182. that I was a fucking vampire.

183. I took part in thousands

184. of pornos over the years.

185. If you see them now,

186. they are still very, very erotic.

187. My darling, I have found something

188. that will have our orgy talked about for centuries.

189. Just put it on the pile, Laszlo.

190. All right there, Constantin?

191. Ooh.

192. - Oops. - What is that?

193. I really have no idea.

194. Perhaps we should watch it.

195. You don't like the Christmas section?

196. - Don't say that word. - Sorry.

197. We are still looking for virgins, yes,

198. but my master thought it'd be best to get decorations first,

199. which makes sense, because, uh...

200. Well, it just... It makes sense.

201. So, for this chocolate fountain,

202. you can put other stuff, I'm assuming...

203. - I mean... - ... that's thicker than chocolate?

204. What's thicker than chocolate?

205. Did you ask about the jade buttock eggs?

206. No, I did not.

207. - Butter cakes? - Buttock eggs

208. made from jade that you put inside your butt.

209. I don't think they have them.

210. I'd have to check on that, for sure.

211. - They don't have to be made of jade. - I haven't seen it.

212. They can be made of anything.

213. But not silver,

214. because, you know, otherwise, ouch.

215. - He's joking. - There's a silver egg in my butt.

216. Did you carry them?

217. We do mostly, like, loot bags for kids.

218. I don't think-I don't think they have them.

219. I'm very happy that my master's gonna help me find a virgin,

220. 'cause it is slim pickings

221. out here in these streets.

222. The Christian college chastity club seemed promising until

223. I found out that most of them had a...

224. different definition of "virgin" than the common one.

225. Believe it or not, CrossFit gyms are full of virgins.

226. No one's touched them, and the reason being

227. is because they won't shut up about CrossFit.

228. If you saw a man

229. dressed in this mask,

230. would you think it was a mood killer

231. or would you come?

232. I'm not sure.

233. Wait, wait, wait.

234. Look at that man, Guillermo.

235. He looks delicious.

236. He has to be a virgin.

237. I don't think he's a virgin. We should just probably

238. - keep shopping... - He is a virgin.

239. Guillermo!

240. - Hey! Jeremy!

241. - Is that... I thought it was you. - It was me, yeah.

242. - Yeah. Where have you been lately?

243. We've been having some hella crazy Fortnite sessions.

244. Hasn't been as fun without old GuillermoGoth2000.

245. - Oh, shit. No, my... - Did you-did you change

246. - your gamertag? You can tell me. - No, no.

247. - Work stuff. It's... My boss just keeps, - I'm so sorry.

248. - you know, riding me. - Uh-huh.

249. - You know, it was good talking to you though. - Yeah.

250. So, take care. I'll see you, okay?

251. You having a party or something?

252. No.

253. Yes.

254. Yes, we are having a party,

255. and we'd very much love to extend an invitation.

256. No, I don't think Jeremy and his girlfriend

257. would, uh, want to come to a lame party.

258. - It's just... - I don't...

259. I don't have a girlfriend.

260. Yeah, you do.

261. Oh, you're...

262. - Yeah. - No, that was a catfish.

263. Jeremy is definitely a virgin. I mean, big-time.

264. But, um... he's also my friend.

265. - Yeah. - There was a girl though, right?

266. - Oh. Yeah. - Yeah.

267. Oh, I just started seeing this woman.

268. - There you go. - Yeah.

269. Yeah, I thought so.

270. - So... - It's for my nosebleeds.

271. - Geez, Jeremy. God. - It's not going well.

272. But, you know, once I finally have that under control,

273. - maybe I'll finally meet someone. - Ah.

274. - Oh, boy.

275. - Oh, boy.

276. Okay. Oops.

277. - Yeah, that's a nosebleed. - Yeah.

278. Just gonna go find some more tissues,

279. 'cause this one's gonna be full any second.

280. - Just go. Just get out of here. - Yeah, okay.

281. Nice to meet you. Hey.

282. - Just go, Jeremy. Just go. - Yeah, okay.

283. - GUILLERMO: You know, I like to keep

284. my personal life and my work life separate.

285. I don't want them to cross over.

286. Makes it easier when you find someone

287. that you're gonna sacri...

288. Yeah.

289. Mmm.

290. That is some of the most virginal blood I've ever tasted.

291. We must have him.

292. It's gonna be a tough one.

293. There's a man who enjoys his work.

294. This was banned for 60 years.

295. - FLAPPER: Zounds! I'm indecent!

296. Time to 23 skidoo.

297. Or should I say "69 skidoo"?

298. Let's see State College win their big game

299. without their star quarterback.

300. How can I ever make it up to you?

301. - LASZLO: Oh, yeah.

302. Be-Bop-A-Lube-a, yeah.

303. I'm about to launch a Sputnik.

304. There is nothing more devastating

305. than finding out your husband has made porn

306. and it's so bloody boring.

307. So, how old are you?

308. - 267.

309. I joke.

310. I'm 18.

311. Have you ever been with a man before?

312. And how would you like me to answer that, Philip?

313. No.

314. You'll never guess where this is going.

315. Then the answer's no.

316. The only thing those videos were good for

317. was for putting crying babies to sleep.

318. - And now the 1990s.

319. Could it be any sexier?

320. Where have you been? I paged you over an hour ago.

321. Who are these people who are always paging?

322. And what's the deal with pagers?

323. Shut up and get over here.

324. Mm. Yep.

325. This is exactly what I want to be doing right now.

326. Laszlo, darling, I just think your work,

327. as stimulating as it is,

328. it is not quite right for our orgy.

329. It-It's like erotica for churchgoers.

330. Even Vampire Tricked in Steam Room?

331. That one didn't even make any sense.

332. I mean, how could we see what you were doing

333. but you couldn't?

334. No, no, no, no. You've misunderstood it, my darling.

335. What happens in that is I'm sat there,

336. surrounded, I think, by women.

337. The steam subsides,

338. and I realize I'm actually surrounded by chaps.

339. But I enjoy it.

340. Well, I got that bit.

341. I just think...

342. it's boring.

343. Boring?

344. You think it's all boring?

345. I shall be in our bedchamber.

346. Oh, Laszlo.

347. No, no.

348. She said that my pornos were boring,

349. which is an unbelievable reaction.

350. I showed her a century's worth

351. of my pornos.

352. That's a lot of porn.

353. I don't think she followed the plots.

354. Hey, Jeremy. Sorry I'm calling you so late.

355. Jeremy and I go way back.

356. We've been friends, um, since high school.

357. What are you doing tonight?

358. We were really just attached

359. at the hip. Not by choice,

360. but because they would literally, um, use hot glue.

361. I invited Jeremy to the party.

362. No, just yourself.

363. No, I think they got all the drinks covered.

364. Yeah, I feel bad.

365. You know what, I'm doing whatever it takes

366. to become a vampire.

367. Oh. Sorry.

368. Somebody told me this was a closet.

369. It's going to be an amazing orgy.

370. Over here we have a sculpture which depicts

371. the moment that my parents conceived me.

372. In here, we have the fluffers' chill-out area.

373. Here we have the traditional animal fur laden with rings.

374. Not for your fingers.

375. Electric chair role-play.

376. "What are your last words?"

377. "I want to have sex."

378. - Laszlo, what is going on? - I'm not coming.

379. What are you doing? What is this?

380. Are you role-playing as a depressed man?

381. It's not not working.

382. I'm not coming to the orgy.

383. - I'm not in the mood. - What?

384. Is this because I said your porno was terrible?

385. The pornos were superb.

386. Have you any idea how difficult it is to make a porno?

387. Laszlo, do you want our orgy to fall apart

388. and for our good vampire names to go down in history

389. with he whose name that we never say the name of?

390. - You mean Mike? - Yes, fucking Mike!

391. To be honest with you, I couldn't care less.

392. - Good night. - Laszlo, don't you dare go back in there.

393. No, I'm not coming. Let go of the lid.

394. Yes, I suppose I am a little bit stressed.

395. To throw a bad vampire orgy—

396. I don't know how one would recover.

397. Half the bats you see— they are just vampires

398. that have thrown terrible orgies,

399. and they are too ashamed

400. to regain their vampire form.

401. They just flit around. Shame bats.

402. Bats full of shame.

403. And you know them,

404. 'cause they don't fly as high.

405. - Jiang Shi! - Nadja!

406. - Chinese jumping vampire.

407. - Brought my cousin. - Is he a Babadook?

408. No, actually, I'm a Badabook.

409. You know, like, uh, bada-bing, Badabook.

410. - Hey-oh! Ah!

411. And I don't believe for one minute

412. that the raccoon actually solved the Rubik's Cube

413. that was given in the video because there are clearly cuts

414. in the video, but it was darling.

415. - VAMPIRE: Such a doll. - VAMPIRE 2: Really?

416. Yeah.

417. - No, not when I... - Sorry.

418. Um, and, uh, who are you?

419. Oh. Uh, hi. I'm Jeremy.

420. I brought mochi ice cream.

421. Is there a place that I can put my backpack?

422. Everyone, the virgin is here!

423. Jeremy's here. Just got here,

424. and, uh, all the vampires' eyes just lit up

425. - when he came in.

426. I think I did a good job as a familiar.

427. Yeah.

428. Maybe not so much as a friend.

429. - Guillermo, hey.

430. This is a great party.

431. Everyone's really friendly. Hi.

432. - Yeah, what did you bring? - I brought mochi.

433. I thought maybe people would eat that.

434. - Yeah. Yeah.

435. They're gonna tear him apart.

436. I'm here!

437. The life of the orgy has arrived.

438. Bit stiff.

439. I've done a bad thing.

440. I just brought my friend to a house full of vampires.

441. I brought my virgin friend into a house full of vampires.

442. Is it hot in here?

443. - MR. '50s: Hey.

444. Mr. '50s, you made it.

445. Yeesh.

446. Well, you could argue, though, that all you need

447. - is a cell phone.

448. Listen. Listen, stop talking.

449. - Oh, no. - Listen, my name is Laszlo,

450. and I was not going to come to this orgy this evening

451. - because my heart was in pain. - VAMPIRE: Who cares?

452. Yes! Vampire Tricked in Steam Room!

453. Yes, it is me.

454. - LASZLO: Anyway,

455. I put my heavy heart to one side

456. for the love of my good lady wife Nadja.

457. - VAMPIRE 3: Ugh. - Recently,

458. I was watching all of my porno films,

459. which are sexy and a turn-on.

460. But they lack one thing, and one important thing.

461. - And that one thing is love.

462. - The love I share

463. for my good lady wife Nadja.

464. What say we conduct our own orgy upstairs?

465. - A two-person orgy. - VAMPIRE 4: What?

466. Here's to love and making love!

467. What a boner killer.

468. And I thought Mike threw a bad orgy.

469. - VAMPIRE 5: I think I'm going to take off. - NADJA: N-No, no.

470. Wait, wait. No, wait, everyone. No, no, wait!

471. 'Cause we haven't had the best part yet.

472. I did a terrible thing.

473. I just killed my friend. Oh, God.

474. I brought my v-virgin friend

475. into a house full of vampires.

476. Oh, God, they're gonna rip him apart.

477. Guess what! There is the most gorgeous...

478. I got to help him.

479. nosebleedy, asthma-suffering,

480. - uh, doesn't clean his sheets... - Jeremy!

481. mouth-breathing virgin!

482. Jeremy, you have to leave.

483. - They're all vamp... - JEREMY: Guillermo.

484. This party's awesome!

485. I, uh, I...

486. Is this the way out?

487. Well...

488. looks like, uh, Jeremy's not a virgin anymore.

489. So, sorry about that, gang.

490. This orgy didn't count.

491. Don't tell your friends it was a bad orgy.

492. So, uh...

493. just us three, then?

494. Okay, these are both good.

495. I'm just going to check up on Laszlo.

496. Poor guy.

497. I don't think Nadja will let him forget about this one.

498. - Laszlo.