1. I have given a strange girl
the most beautiful gift—Copy !req
2. the gift of becoming a vampiricCopy !req
3. bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.Copy !req
4. Did you see that?Copy !req
5. She has not yet blossomedCopy !req
6. into her full vampiric state,Copy !req
7. but I think she is on her way.Copy !req
8. Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?Copy !req
9. Sorry if I don'tCopy !req
10. seem up to my normal self.
I just...Copy !req
11. I've just been
going through changes.Copy !req
12. Having crazy dreams.Copy !req
13. Like, super weird.Copy !req
14. My friends have noticed.Copy !req
15. Mood swings.
Unusual cravings.Copy !req
16. I'm usually a flexatarian.Copy !req
17. Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.Copy !req
18. - Michelangelo...Copy !req
19. I've developed
an eye sensitivityCopy !req
20. and skin sensitivity.Copy !req
21. - And sometimes...Copy !req
22. sometimes I have this urgeCopy !req
23. to tear my roommate to shreds.Copy !req
24. Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.Copy !req
25. I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victimCopy !req
26. into the house
and then you let them live,Copy !req
27. show them out.Copy !req
28. - Loud and clear.
- Fair enough.Copy !req
29. - It's common courtesy.
- NADJA: All right. Yes.Copy !req
30. - It is.
- It is.
- Also,Copy !req
31. is it possible,
for when you leave the house,Copy !req
32. to blow out the candles?Copy !req
33. Observe.Copy !req
34. Simple as that.
Major catastropheCopy !req
35. - averted.
- LASZLO: What is thatCopy !req
36. disgusting, putrefied smell?Copy !req
37. Like a... snake in heat?Copy !req
38. That may be me.Copy !req
39. I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."Copy !req
40. - NANDOR: Okay, great. I am...
- Aftershave?Copy !req
41. It's a cologne-aftershave mixCopy !req
42. - and I found it
in the bathroom at work.
- NANDOR: Eh, great.Copy !req
43. Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?Copy !req
44. - Why would you use a cologne?
- NANDOR: Shush!Copy !req
45. To annoy you.Copy !req
46. - Touché.
- NANDOR: Please,
I am speaking here!Copy !req
47. And when I was the leader
of my country,Copy !req
48. I would kill anyone
who disrespected meCopy !req
49. when I'm talking about candles.Copy !req
50. You were the leader
of a country?Copy !req
51. Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.Copy !req
52. That sounds like
you just made it up.Copy !req
53. - COLIN: Sounds fake.
- No, I have not just made it up.Copy !req
54. It's a real country.Copy !req
55. It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.Copy !req
56. Al Quolanudar.Copy !req
57. - Bless you.
- NANDOR: Guillermo, go on yourCopy !req
58. intelligent telephone machine
and l-look it up.Copy !req
59. Spell that A...Copy !req
60. - A-L. New word.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
61. - I've got it.
- NANDOR: Oh, great!Copy !req
62. Uh, how-how's it doing?Copy !req
63. Not so hot.
It's dissolved.Copy !req
64. - Wha... When did this happen?
- 1401.Copy !req
65. To find out that your countryCopy !req
66. has not existed since 1401Copy !req
67. is a pretty sudden shock.Copy !req
68. It was my home.Copy !req
69. Yes, I was driven out
for pillagingCopy !req
70. and killing and torturing,Copy !req
71. and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?Copy !req
72. Nowhere is my home.Copy !req
73. Aah!Copy !req
74. It is very disgusting for me to
see this little one like this.Copy !req
75. She is like a disabled,Copy !req
76. very sickly donkeyCopy !req
77. that you want to smash
in the skull because it is justCopy !req
78. too pitiful to look at.Copy !req
79. Eh, I suppose I was notCopy !req
80. much different when I first
became a vampire.Copy !req
81. No one had hadCopy !req
82. "the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.Copy !req
83. I had had no one to guide me.Copy !req
84. This is a bag of soil
from my homelandCopy !req
85. that I take with me
when I travel.Copy !req
86. 'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.Copy !req
87. Al Quolanudar!Copy !req
88. Al Quolanudar... Shit.Copy !req
89. Oh, my God!Copy !req
90. Forget it.Copy !req
91. What?Copy !req
92. You are released.Copy !req
93. I'm not hungry.Copy !req
94. It's just...Copy !req
95. I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymoreCopy !req
96. and I'm really depressed
about it.Copy !req
97. And I've lost my appetite.Copy !req
98. You don't want to hear
about all this.Copy !req
99. - Y-You were running away.
- W...Copy !req
100. Are you okay?Copy !req
101. It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.Copy !req
102. Flee. Flee!Copy !req
103. Master, are you all right?Copy !req
104. I have no country.
I have no home.Copy !req
105. What? No, this is your home.Copy !req
106. And this is your country.Copy !req
107. No, it's not and it's not.Copy !req
108. Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?Copy !req
109. - Is that possible?
- Of course.Copy !req
110. Yes.Copy !req
111. I will make an alliance
with this unholy nationCopy !req
112. and make this place my home!Copy !req
113. There you go.Copy !req
114. I think that's a bus stop there.Copy !req
115. I'll see you back at home.Copy !req
116. Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to meCopy !req
117. - that I'm turning
into a vampire.
- I bit your neck.Copy !req
118. I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?Copy !req
119. I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...Copy !req
120. You are giving me
sarcasm?Copy !req
121. I-I enjoy.Copy !req
122. Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?Copy !req
123. Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.Copy !req
124. You are living
like a little chimney boy.Copy !req
125. If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,Copy !req
126. you just have to complete
your transition.Copy !req
127. - How do I do that?
- Darling, it's nothing. You justCopy !req
128. got to drink
some human blood, baby.Copy !req
129. That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.Copy !req
130. Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,Copy !req
131. - but not kill them?
- Shh.Copy !req
132. - You just shut up now,
my stupid little baby.
- Okay.Copy !req
133. So I promised
to help my masterCopy !req
134. - apply for citizenship.
- NANDOR: Yes?Copy !req
135. Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.Copy !req
136. I called Immigration, andCopy !req
137. you are eligible
for citizenship.Copy !req
138. - You actually
started the process,
- Great.Copy !req
139. but you didn't finish.Copy !req
140. I didn't?Copy !req
141. No. 1992.Copy !req
142. I did apply
for my American citizenshipCopy !req
143. back in 1992.Copy !req
144. For five reasons
and five reasons only:Copy !req
145. Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.Copy !req
146. The starting lineup for the 1992Copy !req
147. U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.Copy !req
148. - The Dream Team, baby.Copy !req
149. I call this my Dunk Zone.Copy !req
150. They were merciless.Copy !req
151. Titans amongst men.Copy !req
152. Conquerors of the court.Copy !req
153. I simply had toCopy !req
154. pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.Copy !req
155. Well, what happened in 1992?Copy !req
156. Why didn't you
complete the process?Copy !req
157. Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.Copy !req
158. So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.Copy !req
159. Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.Copy !req
160. So, we need to work out
what yours is,Copy !req
161. so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.Copy !req
162. I can fold my tongue
like a taco.Copy !req
163. What's that? Oh, no.Copy !req
164. No. Let's try... You seduce me.Copy !req
165. I am just stupid human man.Copy !req
166. Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.Copy !req
167. I'd love to drink beer.Copy !req
168. - Okay.
- Bite your lip seductively.Copy !req
169. - Ow.
- Okay.Copy !req
170. Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.Copy !req
171. Well, what's your power?Copy !req
172. I am an excellent crawler.Copy !req
173. - You can see.
- Oh.Copy !req
174. Oh, she can do everything.Copy !req
175. Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.Copy !req
176. Darling, it's very easy,Copy !req
177. you just scratch up the wall.Copy !req
178. That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...Copy !req
179. - Oh, no, are you okay?Copy !req
180. What the hell is going on?Copy !req
181. What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?Copy !req
182. Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid babyCopy !req
183. vampire how to crawl.Copy !req
184. - Who?
- Jenna.Copy !req
185. - Who's Jenna?
- She's right there.Copy !req
186. Oh, right, I didn't see you.Copy !req
187. She should be in a bloody cage.Copy !req
188. Laszlo.Copy !req
189. - JENNA: That's a horrible
thing to say.Copy !req
190. Ah, see what you've done.
Ruined her confidence.Copy !req
191. - Damn.
- Idiot.Copy !req
192. Okay, just imagine we're at
the Immigration officeCopy !req
193. and I'll be
the government official.Copy !req
194. When and where were you born?Copy !req
195. Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.Copy !req
196. And where is that?Copy !req
197. Southern Iran.Copy !req
198. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
199. Maybe not mention Iran.Copy !req
200. Why did you leave your country?Copy !req
201. Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.Copy !req
202. How many times
have you been married?Copy !req
203. - Just the once.
- Okay.Copy !req
204. To 37 women.Copy !req
205. - NADJA: Jenna,Copy !req
206. Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.Copy !req
207. I say, little vampire,Copy !req
208. I'm very sorry for sayingCopy !req
209. you should be kept in a cage.Copy !req
210. All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilitiesCopy !req
211. will turn you intoCopy !req
212. the most impressive vampire
there is.Copy !req
213. Yes!Copy !req
214. Hello.Copy !req
215. - Really?
- Absolutely.Copy !req
216. Who is George Washington?Copy !req
217. - George Washington?
- Yes.Copy !req
218. America's first gay president.Copy !req
219. I don't think that George
Washington was actually...Copy !req
220. Yes.Copy !req
221. - Hello, Nandor!
- Hello.Copy !req
222. Is that that virgin girl?Copy !req
223. Hi.Copy !req
224. Is she a vampire now?Copy !req
225. Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face—Copy !req
226. it's a pretty major clue.Copy !req
227. Anyway, which one is better:Copy !req
228. alt-right or Antifa?Copy !req
229. I'm trying to decide
which team to join...Copy !req
230. I just, uh, found out
that Nadja has turned someone—Copy !req
231. someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy—Copy !req
232. into a vampire.Copy !req
233. The transformation into a batCopy !req
234. is probably
the most important thingCopy !req
235. - a vampire can do.
- NADJA: Yes.Copy !req
236. Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?Copy !req
237. - No, no, no. Don't do that.
- Wait, what are you doing?Copy !req
238. If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...Copy !req
239. nak...
Where do my clothes go?Copy !req
240. Huh.Copy !req
241. Um...Copy !req
242. let's not get bogged down
in the details.Copy !req
243. - Keep your clothes on for now.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
244. Right.Copy !req
245. When I turn into a bat,Copy !req
246. there's no real skill
to it at all.Copy !req
247. I just shout "bat!"Copy !req
248. Human form!Copy !req
249. - Much like that.
- Oh, wow.Copy !req
250. Your turn.Copy !req
251. Okay.Copy !req
252. Bat!Copy !req
253. - Oh.
- Ooh.Copy !req
254. It's okay. Calm down
and just stop screaming.Copy !req
255. - Terrifying.
- What the heck?Copy !req
256. - What would you even call that?
- I don't know.Copy !req
257. "We, the people..."Copy !req
258. We, the people...Copy !req
259. - "We, the..."Copy !req
260. - JENNA: Ow!
- What was that?Copy !req
261. Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.Copy !req
262. Well, go and investigate.Copy !req
263. Sorry, hi.Copy !req
264. - Yep. Bag of garbage.
- Uh, hi.Copy !req
265. Is there any way
you could let me back in?Copy !req
266. Yeah.Copy !req
267. You can figure it out
on your ownCopy !req
268. since you're
a fucking vampire now.Copy !req
269. Guillermo?Copy !req
270. I can hear you.
Heightened senses.Copy !req
271. I just don't understand.
Turning into a batCopy !req
272. is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.Copy !req
273. I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.Copy !req
274. So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.Copy !req
275. So what?
She's a below-average vampire.Copy !req
276. Either way, I do think
she's very much readyCopy !req
277. for her first human meal.Copy !req
278. I believe in you very much.Copy !req
279. We're going to go to a partyCopy !req
280. full of hot idiots.Copy !req
281. We demand you invite usCopy !req
282. inside your house carnival, now.Copy !req
283. Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."Copy !req
284. Ew.Copy !req
285. We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.Copy !req
286. And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?Copy !req
287. Okay.Copy !req
288. Obviously, I'm just going toCopy !req
289. hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.Copy !req
290. When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?Copy !req
291. Listen to my words.Copy !req
292. You will grant meCopy !req
293. my American citizenship.Copy !req
294. Make me one
with your evil empire.Copy !req
295. Is this a joke to you, sir?Copy !req
296. Um...Copy !req
297. No.Copy !req
298. - Good.
- NANDOR: It seemsCopy !req
299. that, uh, government workersCopy !req
300. are immune to hypnotism.Copy !req
301. It's like their souls are dead
or something.Copy !req
302. Please describe
the right to bear arms.Copy !req
303. If it's a nice day,Copy !req
304. you should have the rightCopy !req
305. to bare your arms.Copy !req
306. All right.
Moving on.Copy !req
307. I don't detectCopy !req
308. any human left in them.Copy !req
309. - NADJA: Right. Who in here looksCopy !req
310. lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?Copy !req
311. Oh, what about him?Copy !req
312. He looks like
a really good laugh.Copy !req
313. He's in my stats class.Copy !req
314. So?Copy !req
315. So, I-I cannot kill himCopy !req
316. because that would be
a very big blow to his family.Copy !req
317. I can't take that on,
emotionally.Copy !req
318. Please, darling, listen to me.Copy !req
319. We are in a room
full of pure asshole.Copy !req
320. You can do no wrong.
Honestly.Copy !req
321. I believe in you, my darling.Copy !req
322. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
323. We elect a president
for how many years?Copy !req
324. A thousand years.Copy !req
325. Okay.Copy !req
326. The idea of self-governmentCopy !req
327. is in the first three words
of the Constitution.Copy !req
328. So, what are these words?Copy !req
329. Hmm?Copy !req
330. "Hey... you guys."Copy !req
331. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
332. What does the Constitution
do for the people?Copy !req
333. - It...
- Oppresses them.Copy !req
334. Try and get his attention,
darling.Copy !req
335. Lovely red face.Copy !req
336. Are you enjoying your drink?Copy !req
337. Are you enjoying your drink?Copy !req
338. - I don't think he hears me.
- No,Copy !req
339. I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.Copy !req
340. Just watch me, okay?Copy !req
341. Oh, hello.Copy !req
342. Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.Copy !req
343. I will punish myself later,Copy !req
344. 'cause I'm such a bad girl.Copy !req
345. Who are your parents?Copy !req
346. They are very badCopy !req
347. for making such a big boy.Copy !req
348. I love you.Copy !req
349. So much.Copy !req
350. See? It's very, very easy.Copy !req
351. Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.Copy !req
352. - I live to be your slave.
- Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,Copy !req
353. put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,Copy !req
354. and flush it seven times.Copy !req
355. I think-I think
that was an abuse of power.Copy !req
356. I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.Copy !req
357. - Oh, my...!Copy !req
358. Hello.Copy !req
359. Hello?Copy !req
360. Okay. No, it's okay.Copy !req
361. - He'll-he'll apologize.
- No.Copy !req
362. You have just spilledCopy !req
363. your tankard of mead
all over my companion.Copy !req
364. What? Who?Copy !req
365. Me.Copy !req
366. This is pointless!Copy !req
367. Nobody sees me!Copy !req
368. Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!Copy !req
369. No, darling, it's not pointless.Copy !req
370. No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.Copy !req
371. - Thank you, I'm sorry.
- But...Copy !req
372. Excuse me! Could you just...Copy !req
373. Can you just get out of my way?Copy !req
374. Get out of my way!Copy !req
375. Why does nobody hear me?Copy !req
376. Wh...Copy !req
377. - Whoa!
- What is that?Copy !req
378. Did you see?Copy !req
379. Did anyone... Really?Copy !req
380. - Jenna?
- Whoa.Copy !req
381. You went invisible.Copy !req
382. The... Didn't you see it?Copy !req
383. You have a very,
very special power.Copy !req
384. You are going to murder so many
human people with this.Copy !req
385. - Yes.Copy !req
386. This is the best
night of my life!Copy !req
387. - Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- NADJA: Where has she gone?Copy !req
388. Dracula's in the house!Copy !req
389. Where's my Jenna?Copy !req
390. There she is!Copy !req
391. - This is amazing!Copy !req
392. I have a cool vampire power.Copy !req
393. Now, I wonder if anyone looksCopy !req
394. a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummyCopy !req
395. for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?Copy !req
396. Pick him up!Copy !req
397. - What the fuck?
- Hi.Copy !req
398. Hey, there.
Um, no, it's okay.Copy !req
399. Aah!Copy !req
400. Ah...Copy !req
401. Hmm.Copy !req
402. Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.Copy !req
403. Okay, s-sorry.
Hold-hold still.Copy !req
404. Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight and...Copy !req
405. on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.Copy !req
406. I've done as you asked,
Mistress.Copy !req
407. Not now, big boy.Copy !req
408. Go and eat some bricks.Copy !req
409. Now,Copy !req
410. to test
your English comprehension,Copy !req
411. I'm going to ask you to reciteCopy !req
412. the Oath of Allegiance.Copy !req
413. Okay.Copy !req
414. "I hereby declare, on oath,Copy !req
415. "that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjureCopy !req
416. "all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign princeCopy !req
417. "and without
any mental reservationCopy !req
418. "or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."Copy !req
419. So help me G...Copy !req
420. So help me G...Copy !req
421. Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?Copy !req
422. So help me Go...Copy !req
423. - Oh...Copy !req
424. Ow. Ow.Copy !req
425. You ready to go?Copy !req
426. I didn't pass.Copy !req
427. Made a fool out of myself.Copy !req
428. I have no country,
I have no home.Copy !req
429. I have no people.Copy !req
430. I'm like a little lost duck,Copy !req
431. floating about
in the middle of the ocean.Copy !req
432. Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?Copy !req
433. - Excuse me?
- You know, I'm tired of it.Copy !req
434. So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.Copy !req
435. You're not
a citizen of anything.Copy !req
436. You're a vampire!Copy !req
437. Okay? You can fly.Copy !req
438. You can transport
anywhere as a bat!Copy !req
439. You are immortal.Copy !req
440. Do you have any idea how muchCopy !req
441. people would pay,
who they would killCopy !req
442. just to be who you are?Copy !req
443. To be in your shoes?Copy !req
444. In your fucking shoes!Copy !req
445. You should be fucking proud
of yourself.Copy !req
446. Proud of who you are.Copy !req
447. Wow.Copy !req
448. Guillermo.Copy !req
449. You are right.Copy !req
450. I am a vampire.Copy !req
451. A cool and powerful vampire.Copy !req
452. Hear my words!Copy !req
453. I am a proud vampire!Copy !req
454. I will not bow downCopy !req
455. to your pathetic bureaucracies.Copy !req
456. It is you
who will bow down to me!Copy !req
457. I don't need your citizenship.Copy !req
458. I will ruleCopy !req
459. this earth for eternityCopy !req
460. as you rotCopy !req
461. and your bones turn to dust!Copy !req
462. Yes!Copy !req
463. Sound the alarms!Copy !req
464. It won't make no difference!Copy !req
465. Guillermo...Copy !req
466. I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.Copy !req
467. Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...Copy !req
468. you were right.Copy !req
469. Thank you.Copy !req
470. You're welcome.Copy !req
471. I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,Copy !req
472. you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...Copy !req
473. Nah, I'm good.Copy !req
474. Oh.Copy !req
475. Hands down,
the best night of my life.Copy !req
476. - I mean, I'm invisible,
- Yes.Copy !req
477. I ate my first dude,Copy !req
478. and I've never
stayed up this late.Copy !req
479. Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?Copy !req
480. - That would be so nice.
- Oh...Copy !req
481. We could cozy up.Copy !req
482. About that— um...Copy !req
483. Funny... very funny story.Copy !req
484. You can never
go in the sun again,Copy !req
485. because if you do, you willCopy !req
486. burst into a boiling ball
of flame.Copy !req
487. Sorry.Copy !req
488. I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to beCopy !req
489. a American citizen.Copy !req
490. I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.Copy !req
491. Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.Copy !req
492. They'll give those to anyone.Copy !req
493. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
494. Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a swordCopy !req
495. without the checking
of your background.Copy !req
496. I got it!Copy !req
497. What? What is it?Copy !req
498. Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.Copy !req
499. Haven't you seen Blade?Copy !req
500. They put the things onCopy !req
501. and then the sun can't hit you.Copy !req
502. - Oh.
- Trust me.Copy !req
503. It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.Copy !req
504. You are now a full,
strong vampire.Copy !req
505. You no longer need me.Copy !req
506. And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.Copy !req
507. - It's so exciting!
- JENNA: It is!Copy !req
508. - NADJA: What the fuck?Copy !req
509. - JENNA: Ow!
- NADJA: Curse!Copy !req
510. Oh, that's very hot!Copy !req
511. - We must go!Copy !req