1. That's the... C-Come here.
That's the Baron.
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2. - Come on, Barry.
- Come on.
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3. We are so high.
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4. We're on drugblood.
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5. Put the hat on.
Oh, yeah...
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6. - Oh! Ugh, no.
- LASZLO: Shit.
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7. - NADJA: I broke his half off.
- NANDOR: His bodies' half off.
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8. No, no, no, he's just coming
through the floor.
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9. Guillermo?
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10. Help us!
Don't just stand there.
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11. I don't think that's Guillermo.
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12. - Guillermo?
- LASZLO: No.
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13. N-No, Nandor,
that's the StairMaster.
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14. The master of the stairs.
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15. - We fucked up. This is bad.
- Where's Guiller...
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16. Guillermo!
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17. Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. Oh, my God...
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18. We are gathered here
tonight in our backyard
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19. to commemorate
the second death of the Baron.
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20. We are having a ceremony
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21. to commemorate
the Baron's passing.
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22. Problem is, though,
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23. we don't remember how he died,
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24. because we were absolutely
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25. messed up on drugblood.
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26. And as a sign of respect,
we have decided to bury you
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27. betwixt my two favorite vaginas:
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28. that of my wife and my mother.
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29. Baron, such a wonderful,
filthy times
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30. we did have.
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31. - What a way
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32. to live your life after death,
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33. and what a way to die.
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34. Did we murder him?
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35. We, um, we might have
floated the idea
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36. of murdering him,
but we didn't do it.
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37. Did we?
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38. Oh, I think something
awful happened.
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39. Fuck.
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40. Maybe we should
keep this under our hats.
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41. If any vampires
find out about this,
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42. then it...
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43. Give the Baron his last sip.
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44. - Of course.
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45. So just get him in.
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46. - Yep.
- Goodbye, Baron.
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47. Master, there's a raven
looking at us.
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48. It is a bad omen.
It means that
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49. bad luck is approaching.
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50. - Hey, gang.
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51. What's up? Oh!
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52. Oh, my God.
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53. Did-did you guys kill him?
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54. - No! No one murdered him.
- No! What... He was just...
- We found him in there.
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55. I'm just giving you guff.
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56. And, uh, just so you know, I am
feeding on you guys right now.
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57. You can be such a prick, Colin.
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58. I have heard that.
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59. Shit.
The Baron's familiar.
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60. There's more ravens.
They're giving me the shits.
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61. Guillermo, shield us
from the ravens.
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62. The sky is filled with them.
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63. - No, let's just go inside.
- Let's go inside.
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64. Fill the hole.
Keep filling.
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65. But the ravens...
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66. They're everywhere!
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67. There are ravens all over
the front lawn now, too.
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68. They're trying to frighten us.
But it won't work.
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69. - ALL: Aah!
- NADJA: What is going on?
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70. - GUILLERMO: Master.
- ALL: Aah!
- LASZLO: Ay yai yai.
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71. There's a floating woman
on the front porch.
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72. She needs to talk to you.
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73. You have been summoned...
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74. to appear before
the Vampiric Council
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75. at the Temple
of Blood-Devourers.
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76. Could you not have
just telephoned?
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77. We sent ravens.
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78. We sent 500 ravens!
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79. Yes, but we have a telephone.
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80. I'm shocked and appalled
that you didn't raven us back.
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81. We didn't know how.
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82. You just say,
"Raven, we will be there.
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83. Thank you. Fly."
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84. You've been invited.
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85. Couldn't you
just have telephoned?
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86. The Vampiric Council
is a very ancient organization.
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87. Very powerful.
And, apparently,
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88. very scary.
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89. They travel from
all corners of the globe
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90. to administer supreme
and final justice
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91. upon any vampire
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92. who's violated
the Vampiric Code.
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93. Laszlo was very nearly summoned
when he turned a baby
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94. into a vampire,
which is a big no-no.
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95. It's true.
You're not supposed to do that.
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96. But, to be honest, I was bored.
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97. I gave it to an acquaintance
in the Bronx,
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98. where, I believe,
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99. it remains to this day.
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100. That baby would be about
90 years old now.
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101. You really fucked up there.
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102. I certainly did.
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103. Maybe we should visit it.
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104. I'd rather not.
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105. Here it is.
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106. Okay, so, obviously,
we are all on edge.
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107. This could be about anything,
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108. - so we must say nothing
about you-know-what.
- Obviously.
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109. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa...
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110. It is that woman.
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111. I think she wants us
to come inside.
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112. Hello again.
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113. Follow me.
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114. So glad you could make it.
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115. - Oh.
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116. Enter.
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117. How did she do that?
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118. - Oh.
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119. And we're here.
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120. And follow me.
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121. How does she do that?
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122. The Tribunal have gathered
in the Chamber of Judgment,
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123. and there
you'll be put on trial.
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124. Why does this hallway never end?
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125. Well, it's just
a freaky-long hallway.
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126. I thought the Council
was bigger than that.
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127. - Maybe we can battle them.
- Shh!
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128. Enter.
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129. Not the human.
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130. Vampire-only trial, Guillermo.
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131. What will happen to me?
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132. Oh, you'll see.
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133. Sorry, I have a...
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134. little blood bubble
in my throat.
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135. You'll see...
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136. a room at the end of the hallway
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137. for the familiars.
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138. Ludwig will take you
to the familiar lounge.
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139. Ludwig. Ludwig.
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140. Ludwig!
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141. I'll just do it.
Follow me.
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142. Watch your step.
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143. I don't have to, I glide.
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144. Good evening,
Your Excellencies.
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145. This is Vasillika the Defiler.
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146. Hello.
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147. And I am...
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148. Garrett.
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149. Garrett the...
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150. The vampire.
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151. Simple. Nice.
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152. Hi, Garrett the vampire.
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153. Now, what happened
with the Baron?
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154. - He's dead.
- Oh...
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155. - Sorry, everyone.
- It w... We didn't
make him dead.
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156. No, it's true.
It was a misunderstanding.
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157. Um, as a joke, we said,
"Why not kill the Baron?"
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158. And if you were there
at the time,
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159. - you, too, would have laughed.
- NANDOR: Yes.
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160. Now we realize that it was
probably a stupid thing to say,
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161. and we are truly sorry,
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162. and we're taking this
very seriously.
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163. And these are our serious faces.
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164. Serious, serious, serious.
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165. Follow.
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166. What are you doing?
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167. I'm warming my face.
It's so cold in here.
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168. Well, it's an LED light.
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169. - Oh.
- There's no way
we could have fire.
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170. The fire marshals
would have a fit.
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171. I have to say
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172. we are deeply moved
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173. by your story,
and-and maybe it's just me,
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174. but I don't think
you're guilty at all.
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175. - Vasillika?
- Mm, no,
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176. I don't think you sound guilty.
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177. I-I think...
they might let you go.
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178. Sorry, what do you mean
by "they"?
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179. The Vampiric Council.
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180. You're not the Vampiric Council?
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181. - Oh.
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182. No. No, we're...
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183. - we're prisoners here.
- No, we have
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184. - been imprisoned
in this boring room
- Oh...
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185. for... 1,000 years?
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186. - Oh, it's really awful.
- Since 1932.
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187. Mm.
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188. That's not 1,000 years.
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189. What-what year is it?
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190. It's 2019.
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191. We have been here for 90 years.
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192. - GARRETT: Oh, shit.
- What did you do?
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193. Oh, me?
Too much defiling.
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194. They say I turned a baby
into a vampire
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195. and left it in the Bronx.
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196. Who would do such a thing?
If I ever find out who did it,
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197. I will take a dagger
and stab them 5,000 times
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198. with this hand,
switch hands, and stab them
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199. another 5,000 times!
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200. I can fill up this book
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201. with the ways I would
torture that vampire.
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202. Wouldn't want to be him.
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203. - That poor baby.
- Poor, poor baby.
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204. The Vampiric Council
will see you now.
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205. - Doesn't have to be right now.
- I mean, right now...
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206. - Right now. I... They had
a break, but they're ready now.
- They...
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207. Hey.
Are you a familiar, too?
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208. Yes.
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209. Welcome.
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210. This is the chamber
where you will be tried.
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211. You could hang...
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212. - Hang?
- ... here, until
the trial starts.
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213. I think we're ready.
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214. - No...
- NANDOR: We are not ready.
- GUIDE: Yes. We are ready.
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215. No, we're not...
- What? What's going...
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216. The spectacle
of judgment begins.
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217. What the hell is this?
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218. That's very elaborate.
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219. Since this may be
your last night
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220. of existence,
the Vampiric Council
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221. likes to do something
a little bit special.
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222. They rehearsed it for decades.
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223. This is very odd.
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224. - What the blazes is this?
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225. Dark greetings of the night
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226. to all the members
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227. of the Vampiric Council,
from all the continents,
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228. gathered here together on...
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229. Staten Island.
- On St...
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230. O-On Staten Island.
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231. Welcome, vampires
from near and far,
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232. to this here
grand Vampiric Council,
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233. to judge over
these three accused.
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234. Accused of what, you may ask.
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235. - Murder...
- Vampire murder.
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236. - Vampire murder.
- Sor... vampire murder.
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237. So that's why we're here.
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238. I'll now introduce
the leaders of the council,
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239. starting here with Tilda.
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240. Pretty much our leader.
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241. - She's the one who makes
all the big decisions.
- Hello.
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242. Welcome, Tilda.
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243. I am Viago Von Dorna Schmarten
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244. Scheden Heimburg.
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245. This is Deacon Brucke.
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246. - Hello.
- Vladislav the Poker.
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247. We also have
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248. Evan, the Immortal
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249. Princess of the Undead.
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250. You don't have to say my whole
name. You can just say Evan,
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251. it's fine.
- VIAGO: Or just Evan.
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252. Who else do we have?
Danny.
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253. Hey, Danny. With his shirt off,
as usual.
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254. Cool Mexican tattoos
all over his chest.
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255. - Dark greetings, everyone.
- VIAGO: Welcome, Danny.
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256. - We also have Paul.
- Dark greetings, everyone.
Dark greetings.
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257. Great to be here.
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258. - Rob... Wh...
Is Rob here? Is...
- Couldn't make it.
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259. - We couldn't get Rob?
- Uh, no, I-I talked to Rob,
he didn't...
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260. didn't want to come.
Want to... leave it behind.
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261. That's fine. No, he didn't want
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262. - to be here. Kiefer?
- I don't see Kiefer.
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263. Kiefer said that he wanted
to do it, but he couldn't come.
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264. - He was busy?
- Tom and Brad...
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265. - VLADISLAV: Tom, not... No.
- VIAGO: Not interested.
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266. - Tom and Bra... Well...
- VIAGO: Not into it.
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267. They're not committed like us.
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268. It's just an availability thing.
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269. - Well, who is here?
- VIAGO: Calling in via Skype,
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270. we have Wesley over there,
the day-walker.
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271. - TILDA: Wesley!
- VIAGO: Hey, Wesley.
- Is this working?
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272. - VIAGO: Look at him then...
- Oh, God, not this fucking guy.
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273. He is a vampire killer!
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274. Hey, he is half vampire.
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275. His opinion still counts.
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276. - Yeah, well, I'm only listening
to half his opinion.
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277. - DANNY: Look at him
in the sunlight.
- VLADISLAV: Showing off.
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278. - Can you hear me?
- Wesley, can you hear us?
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279. - Hey, can you hear me?
- VLADISLAV: There's a lag.
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280. The Skype seems glitchy.
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281. - Hello?
- Push the mute button.
- TILDA: It looks like
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282. a little microphone,
it's got a-got a ring around it.
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283. - I'm pushing it.
- VIAGO: Can you hear us now?
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284. I can hear you.
Dark greetings.
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285. Okay. Great.
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286. Moving on. As is vampire law,
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287. we also have
a local vampire here
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288. on the council this evening,
Colin Robinson.
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289. Hello.
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290. What the fuck
are you doing here?
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291. Okay, now...
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292. So why are we gathered
on "Statee" Island?
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293. Because one of our brothers
has passed from this world.
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294. Baron Afanas,
also known as The Undying One.
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295. Well, he died.
That's why we're here.
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296. Call the witness.
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297. First witness.
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298. - Oh, good grief.
- Oh, shit.
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299. Where the hell
did she come from?
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300. This is Baron Afanas' familiar.
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301. Witness number one, speak.
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302. It's okay. She doesn't speak.
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303. On the eve of the death
of my master...
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304. Well, she's speaking now.
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305. these three vampires
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306. - took Baron Afanas...
She's speaking.
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307. and they let him partake
of human food.
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308. We cannot eat human food.
It's gross.
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309. The fuck is wrong with you guys?
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310. Earlier,
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311. I overheard them
plotting to murder him.
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312. She speaks the bullshit.
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313. We simply floated the idea.
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314. You floated the idea
of murdering him?
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315. - LASZLO: Yes.
- Not floated, you plotted.
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316. - Floating and plotting
are very similar.
- WESLEY: Wait,
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317. - The Baron is dead?
- VIAGO: Oh, my God, Wesley,
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318. - we're past that now.
- Wesley, catch up,
we're past that.
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319. - Remove the witness.
- VIAGO: Yeah.
- Thanks a lot.
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320. - Bye, bitch.
- WESLEY: Human food?
Like-like-like
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321. - hamburger
or some-something like that?
- VIAGO: Wesley.
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322. We're over the human food thing.
Shut up.
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323. We're not talking
about that, Wesley.
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324. You need better Wi-Fi.
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325. Move the computer
next to your router, homes.
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326. Hey, hey, hey.
It's not my Wi-Fi.
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327. I got the best Wi-Fi. Okay?
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328. I heard about one familiar
who was made into a vampire,
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329. and now he has a big castle
and he is really successful...
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330. My master says I'm gonna be
a vampire in a few days.
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331. It's only been seven decades.
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332. So, have any of you
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333. met a familiar
who's become a vampire?
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334. Not personally,
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335. never met one.
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336. Well, I'll be a vampire soon,
and then you'll know a vampire.
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337. And then you can
become my familiar.
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338. Did anyone really like
The Baron, anyway?
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339. - Well, I... no, I didn't
like him. He was creepy.
- I mean, I didn't...
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340. - He was loco.
- I thought he was pretty rude
and a backstabber.
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341. - He was a bit of an asshole.
- Loco.
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342. He was a psychotic madman.
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343. Aren't we all, though?
A little bit?
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344. He was a whackjob,
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345. he was crazy,
but rules are rules.
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346. - VIAGO: Now what?
- Bring in the other witness.
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347. - VIAGO: Now let us call
the next witness.
- LASZLO: What other witness?
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348. - PAUL: Another witness.
- VIAGO: Witness number
whatever-it-is.
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349. - LASZLO: Oh, my life.
- Guillermo.
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350. Who's this
delicious-looking thing?
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351. What is this?
Is this-is this lunch?
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352. - NADJA: Yes, it's lunch.
- No, it's not lunch.
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353. It's lunch.
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354. This is one of their
familiars, council.
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355. He bears witness.
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356. Did these vampires three
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357. murder The Baron?
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358. No, they did not.
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359. Did they "float" it?
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360. They discussed it,
but they-they were just talking.
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361. They weren't going
to really do it.
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362. So who murdered The Baron?
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363. Um...
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364. They... It was I.
I-I killed him.
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365. - You did it?
- Yes.
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366. It was I.
I did it.
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367. Okay. Unlikely.
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368. Don't take offense,
but you don't seem like someone
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369. who would be capable
of killing a vampire.
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370. - But I did it.
- Uh, hard to believe.
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371. - Well, I did.
- From maybe
a tougher-looking guy,
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372. - I'd believe it, but...
- TILDA: I think you're lying
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373. - to protect your master.
- VIAGO: Of course he is.
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374. This little guy
couldn't kill a vampire.
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375. No, it was, it was me. I opened
the door and it was dawn
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376. and then the sun came in and...
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377. and then it happened.
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378. That sounds very made-up.
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379. I mean, I don't know, guys.
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380. None of us really liked
The Baron,
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381. so maybe we just kill
this cute little guy
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382. and then let
the other three go.
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383. Send his soul to hell.
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384. Does anyone else
feel like having
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385. - a cheeky little snack?
- Sneaky snack?
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386. - VLADISLAV:
What do you think, Wesley?
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387. Who is this motherfucker now?
This glasses motherfucker?
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388. It's lunch, Wesley.
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389. - Lunch.
- Oh, yeah.
- No!
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390. I cannot abide by this.
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391. Oh.
- Get to the point.
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392. - Have you got a point to make?
- Listen to me.
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393. - We're all listening.
- You got...
Everyone's listening.
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394. - Everyone's like...
- Everyone has stopped
what they were doing,
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395. we were all about to chomp down
on this guy,
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396. and then you said,
"Oh, I'm gonna say something."
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397. - Speak.
- It was we...
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398. - NADJA: No.
- who killed The Baron.
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399. We thought that!
That's what we thought.
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400. - We-we...
- We were all discussing that.
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401. You have committed
Copy !req
402. premeditated vampicide.
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403. Pass the judgment, Tilda.
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404. I pronounce these three
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405. guilty.
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406. Raise your fangs, all who agree.
Copy !req
407. The punishment is
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408. they will be killed
in the same manner
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409. that their victim was:
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410. exposed to sunlight.
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411. - Ooh!
- VIAGO: Ow, Chihuahuas.
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412. Man, that's fucking rough.
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413. You gonna help us,
Colin Robinson?
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414. Fuck can I do?
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415. Follow me to your doom.
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416. Don't worry.
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417. I've coordinated
a secret escape plan.
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418. Bat!
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419. Laszlo, you fucking asshole!
How could...
Copy !req
420. - How could...
- Ludwig, get him.
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421. Dan, get her.
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422. Watch the hands, Mr. Hands!
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423. Fucking hell!
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424. Release my blade.
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425. - Ooh.
- Is it welded on there, or...?
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426. Well, it's for
decoration, really.
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427. - Thank you, Ludwig, very good.
- Fuck me.
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428. What is that?
Uh... Hey!
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429. He's a vampire, he couldn't get
an ax off a wall.
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430. Well, you should see it.
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431. It's, like, welded on there
or something.
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432. We have to find a way
out of here.
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433. This is the thing
where we wa... Okay,
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434. I broke this, turned right, and
then we turned left to the...
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435. - Stay back!
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436. Oh...
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437. It was an accident.
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438. It was an accident.
It was an accident.
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439. It was an accident!
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440. So, they're being sent
into a well, and, uh,
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441. the sun's going
to slowly come up,
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442. - and then they'll burn to death.
- It's a very horrible way
to die.
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443. - Very dramatic way to die.
Yes.
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444. That's so macabre.
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445. They could have
at least cleared them up
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446. before putting us in here.
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447. I wish I had made more
of my leadership skills.
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448. I could have ruled
many more countries
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449. - instead of dying in a well
with two perverts.
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450. I was Jack the Ripper.
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451. I've never told
anyone that before.
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452. And I wish I'd made love more.
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453. Well, you did that a lot.
A lot.
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454. - I suppose I did.
- Yeah, a-a lot.
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455. I miss my horse John.
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456. I wish I was better to him.
And to you both.
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457. That's very kind of you, Nandor,
to say that, and, um,
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458. I know we haven't got on
over the years, but, uh...
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459. Nope, that's it.
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460. I hate to say it,
but I think it's gonna hurt.
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461. Oh, no!
- Fucking Colin Robinson.
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462. - Oh, shit.
- No! No!
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463. - Save me! Oh, Gregor,
I love you!
- No! No!
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464. Gregor!
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465. - Oh, my love, my love...
- I'm burning!
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466. - I-It is an eclipse.
- What is that?
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467. Hey, dudes. It's me,
Colin Robinson, your roommate.
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468. Colin Robinson?
- COLIN: Yeah,
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469. Guillermo's here, too. He was
running around, peeing himself.
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470. I didn't pee myself, Master.
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471. - He was freaked out.
- No, I wasn't.
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472. So, anyway, I, uh, I was walking
by this hardware store
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473. and I says to myself,
"Colin, you should go in
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474. and, uh, see if they have
any umbrellas for the well."
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475. Made sure to keep the receipt,
I'm gonna probably take it back.
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476. You can do that
on non-food items.
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477. - Is he zapping our energy?
- He's taking advantage of us.
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478. - Don't do that.
- Shut up.
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479. Do you not want me to stay?
I can... I'll go.
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480. - No, no, no, no, no! No!
- No, don't do that! No!
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481. Just giving you guys guff.
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482. Yeah, I'm gonna save you.
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483. You guys awake?
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484. - Hello?
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485. Oh, no,
a roller coaster for vampires.
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486. - Oh, no, oh, no!
Roller coaster again.
- Stop it, Colin Robinson.
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487. And sorry about the camera crew
at the bottom of the well.
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488. You're gonna want to get them
out sooner than later.
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489. They're in-they're in
grave danger.
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490. - You had a heck
of a day, too, huh?
- Yeah.
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491. - How long have you been with us?
- Ten years.
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492. I guess that's
the whole deal, right?
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493. That, you know,
you work for him,
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494. and he eventually turns you
into a, uh, a vampire?
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495. Yeah.
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496. That's the deal.
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