What We Do in the Shadows 1x6

Directed by Jackie van Beek

Bobby Daniels as Staten Island Guy • Torin Arsenault as Love-Up Guy • Mary Gillis as June • Gloria Laino as Baron's Familiar • Alexandra Henrikson as Vasilika the Defiler

The Baron awakens from his slumber and demands to experience the wonders of the New World in a night out on the town.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Guillermo, I want you to go tomorrow,

2. and I want you to get

3. some of those things that humans use for smelling.

4. Rhymes with "hoses."

5. Noses?

6. No. It's a green, spiky stick.

7. You know, with the colors on the top.

8. You got the red. "I love you.

9. - Here's some..." - Roses.

10. Roses, yes.

11. The Baron's attic has got a bit of a dank whiff.

12. Since the Baron arrived,

13. things have been very stressful.

14. - That's our familiar. - NANDOR: He's staying

15. in our attic at the moment, and

16. that's a lot of storage space that we-we can't use.

17. When is he going to leave, anyway?

18. Shh, Nadja!

19. Guillermo.

20. Well, pull it, then.

21. - NADJA: Oh! - Too loud!

22. - He needs to pipe down with that. - Yes.

23. - When will he leave? - NANDOR: Shh!

24. Nadja, you must keep your voice down, my darling.

25. Oh, for goodness' sake, I'm not scared of him.

26. - Aah! - Oh...

27. The Baron has awakened?

28. Sorry, was that a yes?

29. - LASZLO: Was it a nod? - No, I asked and she went...

30. she went and did this.

31. - What's that? - That is a nod, I've seen her do it before.

32. What, this? Like this?

33. - He's awake. - COLIN: He's awake.

34. Oh, he's awake.

35. All right, I-I can feel

36. his energy, it's very dark and angry, and I think

37. it's pointed at you guys.

38. Hate to be you guys.

39. In Europe, a couple of centuries ago,

40. the Baron was a fun guy.

41. And we got up to some very messy business together.

42. - Yes. - Problem is,

43. he's turned up recently

44. with what only can be described as pretty old-fashioned ideas.

45. He's obsessed with the idea of vampires taking over all humans,

46. which, at first, you're like, "Oh, that's a cool idea,"

47. but then, after a while, it's like,

48. "Sorry, why are we doing this?"

49. Yeah.

50. You can bet your balls he's gonna be furious

51. we haven't come up with a conquering plan.

52. Maybe he's not angry.

53. Maybe he's just wanting a chat.

54. Get up with the latest vampire gossip.

55. - That's highly unlucky, Nandor.

56. The man's a fucking psychopath.

57. I think he's going to kill us all.

58. That's more likely.

59. Baron, we are here.

60. But there's really no need for any kind of grand entrance.

61. Or j-just do your bit— that's fine, too.

62. My slumber is...

63. complete.

64. - Oh... - Great. Uh, we weren't sure

65. - We... - that you wanted us to conquer the whole

66. - of North America, or just, - NADJA: Yes. I...

67. - you know, maybe a couple streets. - LASZLO: No, you know...

68. Silence!

69. I have heard so much of the wonders of this New World,

70. yet I have seen of it not but this attic.

71. Uh, would you like us to get you a TV?

72. No.

73. I want to see the sights.

74. I want a night on the town.

75. - A night on the town?

76. Really? I mean, won't that be a bit difficult

77. with your, um...?

78. Oh.

79. You were saying?

80. No, I... I'm sure we can help you fit in.

81. Marvelous.

82. - And relax.

83. This is going to be fun.

84. No.

85. Oh, that's the documentary crew.

86. We are so sorry that...

87. our houseguest ate your sound recordist.

88. This... what is this "conquering America" stuff?

89. He's going to get us killed.

90. Not unless he tries to kill us himself first.

91. - He threw me straight across the room. - Most importantly, we are...

92. that he ate your sound recordist.

93. That was very...

94. Yeah. Wasn't very cool. We'll, uh,

95. we'll make sure we look after you people.

96. And how are we going to do that?

97. I don't know, uh...

98. Of course it's a trap.

99. Why would the Baron want to go on a night out?

100. Because he wants to know how much of America we've conquered.

101. And when he finds out that we've just conquered our street

102. and part of Ashley Street, he's going to kill us.

103. But if we seriously think he's gonna "quack" us...

104. - NADJA: Which we do. - ... then we should "quack" him first.

105. You want us to quack him?

106. If you think he's gonna "whack" us first, yes.

107. Laszlo, be quiet. We will not discuss this any further.

108. It is the greatest violation

109. of the unnatural order by which we live.

110. Also, can he even die?

111. - NADJA: Oh, my... - Aah!

112. You happy now? You just scared

113. the shit out of all three of us?

114. Hmm? You don't knock anymore?

115. Is this the new you? Hmm?

116. Sorry, I just wanted to inform you that the Baron's ready.

117. - Oh. - NADJA: God...

118. He's really terrifying.

119. Yes, okay, well, we all are, we are vampires.

120. Well...

121. - Eh.

122. Get out.

123. We shall call this night Operation...

124. Accidentally Kill the Baron.

125. Absolutely not. At least think of a different name.

126. This conversation never happened.

127. She keeps looking at me.

128. Don't look at her.

129. Bloody hell, he's wearing two ruffs.

130. - Let our grand evening on the town commence.

131. - NADJA: Yes! Very good. - Yes.

132. Yes, uh, this is what you're going to wear?

133. Is it not right?

134. Y-Yes, I mean, you look the... dog's knackers.

135. But, um, where we come from, two ruffs

136. means you're up for anything.

137. Uh, it's best just to kind of blend in like-like we are now.

138. Yes.

139. Yes, I see.

140. I want to walk amongst the commoners unnoticed.

141. - NADJA: Yes. - A prince amongst paupers.

142. - NADJA: Yes, very good. Very good. - Exactly.

143. Two ruffs don't make a right.

144. Colin Robinson.

145. Oh, wow. Uh... hello.

146. You wouldn't happen to have any

147. human-type clothes to lend to the Baron?

148. Uh, yeah, I-I could scrounge something up.

149. What size are you?

150. Mm, this size.

151. And what kind of vibe are-are you going for?

152. Jeans, T-shirt? Are you a jeans and T-shirt type of guy?

153. Probably not shorts.

154. Um, maybe some cords, some w-wale cords.

155. He is not coming along, is he?

156. I will take care of it.

157. Oh, okay. But don't make a big thing out of it.

158. - Mm? - Okay.

159. Vampires have hidden amongst humans

160. for millennia.

161. There are some in the community that believe

162. that vampires should rule the world.

163. One such person

164. is the Baron.

165. And he's become a massive prick.

166. Absolutely agree.

167. Which is ironic, because he doesn't have one.

168. Where is he?

169. He was right behind us.

170. - LASZLO: Ah.

171. He's going to frighten the townspeople.

172. - Oh.

173. - LASZLO: Um, a lot of these buildings - MAN: Holy shit.

174. are, uh, are taverns, or bars, as they call them. - NADJA: Don't mind him.

175. - Did you see that? - Why are these pedestrians

176. making rictus faces at us?

177. Oh, my God.

178. Devils suck, man.

179. We are vampires!

180. Shh! What are you doing?

181. He is literally going around,

182. telling everyone, "Nice to meet you, I am 'wampire.'"

183. And, you know, there's only so many times

184. you can say that he's joking, because look at his face.

185. - Yo, Laz. Nadja. Whoa...

186. I was just, uh, stocking up on some brews for the big game.

187. Who is this guy?

188. No, no, no. This is our neighbor Sean, sire.

189. He brings our trash cans in

190. - when we forget them. - LASZLO: Bring him down. Everyone's looking at us.

191. What the fuck? How did he...

192. Shut up. You won't remember anything

193. from the last five minutes.

194. Yo, Laz, Nadja.

195. I was just going to stock up on some more brews.

196. - Oh, no, no, no, no. - LASZLO: No, no, no, no, bring him down.

197. We will fill this place

198. with the carcasses of the conquered.

199. Some humans will become slaves.

200. The rest, food.

201. Slave.

202. Pharmacy, pick up line three, please.

203. Pharmacy, line three.

204. Food.

205. He's as mad as a wax banana.

206. - He's a fucking liability. - I think it might be

207. better if he dies.

208. How about we just put his coffin on a nice, long ocean journey?

209. Look at this wonderful talisman.

210. - Whoop.

211. Need I haggle with the proprietor?

212. - Just put it in your pocket. - Hmm. It is done.

213. Let us see— what to drink.

214. What to...

215. - LASZLO: Oh, no, no.

216. - NADJA: Take him home, - Oh, shit,

217. - or maybe behind the bin. - I knew he was gonna do that.

218. Oh, give him a nice hug from us.

219. - Is he okay? I... - NADJA: Ha, ha.

220. Whoa, dear. Hi.

221. The Baron is being very loud and obvious

222. and vampirey and reckless.

223. He had a very high alcohol content.

224. Do you think maybe we should move the body?

225. Now he's just gone up to a drunk man

226. and he's drunk the drunk man's blood

227. that has made him drunk.

228. Okay. Just a...

229. Just a little dizzy. Okay.

230. - A little dizzy, little dizzy.

231. I am better.

232. Back in the saddle.

233. The drinking saddle!

234. That was bollocks.

235. You people are as much fun as the plague.

236. Remember the plague? And how much fun it was?

237. That's this.

238. - Let's liven this place up. - Not too lively.

239. It's very important to just blend in and go with the flow.

240. Or we could do shots.

241. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots,

242. shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots,

243. shots, shots, shots, shots.

244. For God's sake.

245. Oh, who wants a shot?

246. We could do shots.

247. Just a minute.

248. - And I said,

249. "No, how do you like your stakes?"

250. And pushed it right through his stupid heart.

251. You know I'm not really a baron.

252. Yes, you are.

253. - You're the Baron.

254. No, I am not. It was a nickname.

255. To tease me.

256. Barren, B-A-R-R-E-N.

257. - Huh. - Because I cannot sire offspring

258. due to my lack of genitals.

259. - Hello... - There it isn't.

260. I like it.

261. All I ever wanted was a child of my own.

262. Well, I don't know, Baron.

263. Maybe we could be your children.

264. - NADJA: Yes. - Yes.

265. - Yes. - Also, maybe

266. you want to pull your pants back up now, or...

267. Hmm? Oh, of course.

268. Aw...

269. Oh...

270. The Baron— he told us

271. very sad story.

272. We might not kill him now,

273. nev... not going to kill him.

274. It's just hard.

275. I used to derive such pleasure from killing,

276. but now... it's just a thing

277. I do because... why?

278. Because I've always done it, I guess?

279. And these dark rages that overtake me—

280. oh, my mind is devouring itself.

281. Aw...

282. We're all going through shit.

283. It's hard doing what we do.

284. You know—

285. and this is going to sound odd, but—

286. I was thinking of killing all of you tonight.

287. Ah.

288. - Yeah, yeah, I was. - Ah.

289. What have I become?

290. Guess what.

291. We were going to kill you tonight, too.

292. We were gonna kill you!

293. It was... it was Laszlo's idea. - Yeah.

294. - Yeah, it was.

295. He had the stake,

296. - the...

297. stake...

298. I beg your pardon?

299. Uh...

300. He was just joking. It was-was...

301. it was just an idea that we were kicking upstream.

302. It was more of a "what if" situation.

303. - Like, "What if?" and then "No." - Shut up.

304. You... "kicked upstream"

305. the idea of killing...

306. me?

307. As a joke. Nothing more.

308. Just a-a laugh.

309. Nothing happened.

310. Oh...

311. - Your faces! - Oh, the Baron...

312. - Oh... - You shithead.

313. Oh, I am proud of you.

314. If I were you, I would have done the same thing.

315. You know what I have always wanted to try?

316. - Coprophilia. - No.

317. Pizza pie.

318. Is it as wonderful as they sa...

319. Coprophilia?

320. Sire, this is an even worse idea

321. than when we tried to invade Vienna.

322. It's certainly going to make you very ill.

323. I'm having pizza pie.

324. Oh, no, no, no.

325. Mmm.

326. Mmm.

327. The garlic burnt a little, but...

328. - Down he goes.

329. He's up again.

330. The Baron has eaten

331. some human food and now his body

332. is being propelled around by his own vomit.

333. - LASZLO: Is he all right? - NANDOR: Now, where's he going?

334. So, that's what's happening

335. right now.

336. Oh...

337. - LASZLO: There he is. - NADJA: Ooh.

338. Uh...

339. Totally worth it.

340. What is next?

341. We drank the blood of some people,

342. but the people were on drugs

343. and now I am a wizard.

344. The Baron is... is very, actually...

345. great man...

346. I drank the drug blood.

347. Yes, I drank some drug blood.

348. We drank... we've done dr... drug blood.

349. That's the Baron I remember.

350. Having a really great time...

351. but it's almost sunup.

352. I think we should leave soon, otherwise we're gonna be fried.

353. Laszlo, can you see if they have

354. "Girl in the Village with the One Small Foot"

355. by Vasilios the Balladeer?

356. - Yep. - Never mind.

357. I'll sing a cappella.

358. - LASZLO: Okay.

359. - It is time to return to our den.

360. - Party's over.

361. I said we are leaving!

362. - NANDOR: We should go. - LASZLO: Yeah, yeah.

363. - NADJA: The sun is coming.

364. The door's stuck again.

365. Everyone, quickly, the sun is coming.

366. - Come on.

367. Just one foot at a time, Baron.

368. Someone sure had a good time, huh?

369. Colin Robinson, we missed you.

370. - BARON: Hi. - What?

371. What-What's wrong with you?

372. We are on drugs.

373. Have you partaken of the pizza pie?

374. I can do this, I can do this.

375. Oh, no, the sunlight.

376. - Laszlo!

377. Careful.

378. Be careful.

379. - Oh... - Oh, man.

380. Look at this... wait.

381. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

382. No, the sunlight.

383. I'm so scared.

384. No, no, no, Baron, don't...

385. - NANDOR: No, too closely. - No, no, no, no!

386. No, no, no, no, go easy. It's dangerous, man.

387. - He's being an idiot. Come on, Baron. - BARON:

388. You're a bunch of pussies... Aah!

389. - LASZLO: Pussies.

390. See what you've done.

391. - Did you see that? - You hurt yourself.

392. - Come on, Baron. - Put your night skirts on

393. - and go to coffin. - BARON: All right, okay,

394. - okay, okay. - Go to coffin, Baron.

395. Thing off, I don't know how to work this.

396. - Oh... Aah!

397. Oh, shit.

398. Baron?

399. Well, that was unexpected.

400. Eh, uh... Oh...

401. Oh.

402. Aw.

403. Hello. Oh.

404. - NADJA: Shit. - NANDOR: Shit.

405. - Is he dead? - Oh, no.

406. Ouchie.

407. Just a little sore.

408. Oh, God... Oh. Oh...

409. lucky I missed these wooden stakes.

410. He's safe.

411. I am okay.

412. What's that smell?

413. Hey, I got the rose...

414. Fuck.

415. Oh...

416. - wow.

417. Oh, shit.